Ruben's Writings

GROUP STAGE

Over the previous dozen chapters, we’ve whittled down the hundreds of fantastic rivalries in the world down to the best of the best — the 32 (really 33) meticulously detailed, unforgettable hate-filled histories between 64 (really 66) clubs that make up the World Cup of Hate. Now, it’s time to cut that number in half. Much like in the group stage of the FIFA World Cup (or really any major soccer tournament), the 32 finalists have been divided into eight groups of four, with the top two in each moving on to the knockout stage. But instead of the usual formula of having each team play each other in their group once, for brevity’s sake we’ll just have all four go at it at once. We’ll be judging each rivalry in each of the previously mentioned 11 categories, though instead of picking an outright winner we’ll rank each four in order, with the top rivalry getting four points and the bottom one receiving a single point. When the total points are added, the top two will move on — a judgement call will be made in the event of a tie. With that, let’s get started. 

GROUP A:

SYDNEY DERBY (AUSTRALIA), DERBY OF THE ETERNAL ENEMIES (GREECE), OLD INDONESIA DERBY (INDONESIA), EL CLASICO (SPAIN)

LENGTH

Yeah… Sydney and Western Sydney got a pretty tough draw — especially in this section. In fact, the only other rivalry that wasn’t happening a century before the Sydney clashes were Persija and Persib, who first faced off nearly 80 years earlier. As for the elders, Barcelona and Real Madrid have been playing each other since 1902 (though not regularly for another few years), while Olympiacos and Panathinaikos have been regularly dueling since the mid 1920’s.

POINTS: EL CLASICO (4), DERBY OF THE ETERNAL ENEMIES (3), OLD INDONESIA DERBY (2), SYDNEY DERBY (1)

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

The Derby of the Eternal Enemies is regionally-based, with Panathinaikos and Olympiacos representing the capital city/elite and the port city/working class, respectively. In other geographical hatred, the Old Indonesia Derby didn’t really spike until much later, so Persib and Persija fall below the rest. The Sydney Derby began even before Western Sydney’s existence, if only because the idea to “unite” the city by having Sydney play on the western side of the city was halted by meddling corporate bullshit. That is spicy, though admittedly not as spicy as Barcelona and Real Madrid becoming the symbols of opposing sides of a Civil War, dictatorship, and national identity. El Clasico is pretty intense. 

POINTS: EL CLASICO (4), SYDNEY DERBY (3), DERBY OF THE ETERNAL ENEMIES (2), OLD INDONESIA DERBY (1)

COMPETITIVENESS

Although some matches have been lost to time, the Old Indonesia Derby has historically been quite even, with the total number of wins for each club and the number of draws being within ten of each other. However, Persija has dominated the rivalry when it comes to wins in the professional era (1994), with only a recent surge by Persib preventing this from being a complete slaughter. Even the Sydney Derby (which has seen two lengthy unbeaten streaks by Sydney) has seen more even play, especially lately by Western Sydney. Both of them are closer than the Derby of the Eternal Enemies, with Olympiacos having a huge advantage over Panathinaikos statistically. As for El Clasico, it’s been fairly competitive historically. But something interesting happens when you take away the exhibition matches from both totals. For Barcelona and Real Madrid, the win count goes from 124-108 in favor of the former to 102-100 for the latter.

POINTS: EL CLASICO (4), SYDNEY DERBY (3), OLD INDONESIA DERBY (2), DERBY OF THE ETERNAL ENEMIES (1)

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

For a few of these sections, there’s a notable gap between the top two rivalries and the rest. Given that we’re just trying to separate the elite from the rest, I’m not going to compare each individual incredible moment just yet. Just know that El Clasico has seen countless incredible moments and the Derby of the Eternal Enemies can largely say the same. Time is not on the Sydney Derby’s side here, which puts it behind the Old Indonesia Derby.

POINTS: EL CLASICO (4), DERBY OF THE ETERNAL ENEMIES (3), OLD INDONESIA DERBY (2), SYDNEY DERBY (1)

SHITHOUSERY

Once again, El Clasico and the Derby of the Eternal Enemies take the top spots here, with both rivalries combining for countless player fights, red cards, brawls, coach shenanigans, petty bullshit between club officials, and other chaos. But only one of these rivalries can boast having a dictator scare the shit out of one side so badly they lose by ten goals. As for the other two rivalries, the Sydney Derby may be feisty, but I wouldn’t describe the shithousery to be anywhere near the level of the rest just yet. The Old Indonesia Derby meanwhile has enough history to fall back on to not finish last here.

POINTS: EL CLASICO (4), DERBY OF THE ETERNAL ENEMIES (3), OLD INDONESIA DERBY (2), SYDNEY DERBY (1)

COMBINED SUCCESS

Without even getting into the specific details about what they’ve won, Real Madrid and Barcelona rank in the Top 10 when it comes to most trophies won by a soccer club worldwide. Panathinaokos and Olympiacos don’t rank too far lower, though their success has mainly come from domestic competitions. Although the Australian clubs have been around for several scores less than their Indonesian counterparts, the trophy contest is closer than you’d think. Although the domestic titles lean in favor of the latter, Western Sydney’s AFC Champions League win does enough to close the surprisingly narrow gap.

POINTS: EL CLASICO (4), DERBY OF THE ETERNAL ENEMIES (3), SYDNEY DERBY (2), OLD INDONESIA DERBY (1)

STAR POWER

Barcelona and Real Madrid can each list just one famous player from their histories and win this section. How about Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo? Or Johan Cruyff and Alfredo Di Stefano? Or Ronaldino and Raul? Sydney and Western Sydney actually get a boost here thanks to the former’s Alessandro Del Piero. Sorry, Olympiacos, Panathinaikos, Persib, and Persija — you’ll do better elsewhere.

POINTS: EL CLASICO (4), SYDNEY DERBY (3), DERBY OF THE ETERNAL ENEMIES (2), OLD INDONESIA DERBY (1)

FAN SHENANIGANS

Sydney and Western Sydney, thanks for coming — take your last place finish in this section and hold on for a second. El Clasico, the Derby of the Eternal Enemies, and the Old Indonesia Derby are on another level. Each of these three rivalries have seen mass shenanigans when it comes to fans, with supporters even being killed as a result of their allegiances. I don’t want to outright dismiss what Persib and Persija fans have done, because the violence and level of atmosphere is truly competitive with the best in Europe. But there’s still a small divide between them and the rest. Olympiacos and Panathinaikos and Barcelona and Real Madrid supporters combine to create some of the most intense and incredible atmospheres in the world. This is in no way meant to disrespect the supporters of the latter two clubs, but when comparing scenes of ultra violence and immense passion, I have to get nit-picky. While El Clasico has seen the famous Luis Figo pig’s head and literal war, the Derby of the Eternal Enemies always feels like war, with everything being set on fire, matches being abandoned due to chaos, and even players’ cars being fucked up. It’s dividing at the cellular level at this point, but it must be done.

POINTS: DERBY OF THE ETERNAL ENEMIES (4), EL CLASICO (3), OLD INDONESIA DERBY (2), SYDNEY DERBY (1)

THE PEAK

Arguably no rivalry in the history of sports reached the peak El Clasico did during the famous 17-day stretch that saw Barcelona and Real Madrid face off four times, including the Copa del Rey Final and UEFA Champions League Semi-finals. Everyone else in the group is playing for second. More accurately, the Derby of the Eternal Enemies and Sydney Derby are playing for second, because the Indonesia Derby was competitively publicly at its best in the amateur era and its most notable pro moments between Persija and Persib have been more related to fan violence than anything else. While the top scenes in the Sydney Derby were history-making for both Sydney and Western Sydney (as well as Australian soccer as a whole), it’s tough to find a true peak for the Derby of the Eternal Enemies, which is a testament to its competitiveness. In the end, all of the Sydney shenanigans can’t compete with the 1982 first place playoff match and Antonious Nikipolidis.

POINTS: EL CLASICO (4), DERBY OF THE ETERNAL ENEMIES (3), SYDNEY DERBY (2), OLD INDONESIA DERBY (1)

CURRENT STATUS

This may be a hot take, but the presumptive favorite of the group comes last place here. While El Clasico at one point was the hottest and most competitive rivalry on the planet, things haven’t been quite as intense in recent years. Real Madrid have done their part by winning both at home and abroad, even since Cristiano Ronaldo left. But since the departure of Lionel Messi, a heaping pile of problems that he kept hidden have been exposed, with financial issues and an overall downturn in form keeping Barcelona from operating on quite the same level as their rivals — at least for now. Meantime, the Old Indonesia Derby has been much more even in recent years, though Persija still has the edge and Persib is still feeling the negative impacts of the Gelora Bandung Lautan Api stampede. Though this most recent season didn’t see either win the league title, both Olympiacos and Panathinaikos are still competing against each other well. But incredibly the Sydney Derby gets the top spot here — no result (a Sydney win/Western Sydney win/draw) has happened twice in a row in the past nine matches and the last four matchups have seen the away team win. Plus, we just got the first playoff game between the two.

POINTS: SYDNEY DERBY (4), DERBY OF THE ETERNAL ENEMIES (3), OLD INDONESIA DERBY (2), EL CLASICO (1)

LEVEL OF HATRED

Although “hate” would be an accurate word to describe the relationship between Western Sydney and Sydney, their rivalry is facing a trio of competitors which have seen literal life and death. Even then, there’s a significant gap between when Persib and Persija have and what the other pairs have. That’s because “hate” cannot properly describe the animosity between Real Madrid and Barcelona and Panathinaikos and Olympiacos. Both of these rivalries have deep roots of pure malevolent feelings between their competitors, with the worst reactions being brought out from each other. This won’t be the last time I say this, but ranking any one of these two below anyone else seems like a crime. But it has to be done and in the end, while the Spanish clubs have their historic passion fueling their hatred even further, there’s just something about the attitude, atmosphere, and devotion surrounding the more Eastern European clubs that takes things to a whole new level.

POINTS: DERBY OF THE ETERNAL ENEMIES (4), EL CLASICO (3), OLD INDONESIA DERBY (2), SYDNEY DERBY (1)

TOTAL: EL CLASICO (40), DERBY OF THE ETERNAL ENEMIES (31), SYDNEY DERBY (22), OLD INDONESIA DERBY (18)

EL CLASICO & INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY MOVE ON

One of the main tournament favorites did not disappoint, as El Clasico wins the group. The Derby of the Eternal Enemies proved to be quite a fight, finishing a respectable second and proving to be a potential dark horse. As for the Sydney Derby and Old Indonesia Derby, they were simply outclassed and may have done better with an easier draw.

GROUP B:

SUPERCLASICO (ARGENTINA), CASABLANCA DERBY (MOROCCO), CANADIAN CLASSIQUE (CANADA), DERBY DELLA CAPITALE (ITALY)

LENGTH

This one is pretty straightforward. River Plate and Boca Juniors first faced off in 1913 and have played the most total matches (259) among these rivalries. Roma and Lazio began their own duel in 1929 and have since played 196 times. Raja and Wydad began competing in 1957 and have met 152 times. Toronto and Montreal finally entered the competition in 2008 and have just 59 matches against each other.

POINTS: SUPERCLASICO (4), DERBY DELLA CAPITALE (3), CASABLANCA DERBY (2), CANADIAN CLASSIQUE (1)

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

Each of these rivalries has a unique starting point. Boca and River began in the same area of Buenos Aires, only for the latter to move to the more affluent Recoleta district and introduce classism/financial issues to the rivalry. Those same issues are what initially began the animosity between Wydad and Raja, with the former being associated with the monarchy/upper class and the latter being known as the club of the people. Meantime, while Lazio had been in Rome for several years, it was because of their refusal to join with the rest of the city’s clubs to form a “super club” of sorts (with general Giorgio Vaccaro having enough influence on Benito Mussolini to let it happen) that initially sparked the flames. Montreal and Toronto had flames from the first minute, due to the long-standing rivalry between the two cities. It’s a tough call on how to sort these four.

POINTS: DERBY DELLA CAPITALE (4), SUPERCLASICO (3), CANADIAN CLASSIQUE (2), CASABLANCA DERBY (1)

COMPETITIVENESS

This group sees one of the rare rivalries where the amount of draws exceeds each club’s victories — this unique attribute gives the Casablanca Derby an edge here. The Superclasico still finishes strong, with all three results being close to even. The Canadian Classique gets a bonus by not just having its competitors stand six wins apart, but having the one friendly match end in a draw. While the Derby della Capitale isn’t exactly one-sided, it doesn’t help that one club has more draws than wins against the other.

POINTS: CASABLANCA DERBY (4), SUPERCLASICO (3), CANADIAN CLASSIQUE (2), DERBY DELLA CAPITALE (1)

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

Has anyone faced their arch rival in the final of a continental competition? (Boca and River raise their hands) Cool, you get top points automatically without having to even mention the other chaos. Roma-Lazio and Wydad-Raja go back and forth for second here, with the former getting the nod if only due to acquiring more of these moments over more time. As for Toronto and Montreal, while the 2016 MLS Eastern Conference Finals was amazing, the other three rivalries each have like three moments at least as insane.

POINTS: SUPERCLASICO (4), DERBY DELLA CAPITALE (3), CASABLANCA DERBY (2), CANADIAN CLASSIQUE (1)

SHITHOUSERY

Remember when the Canadian Classique’s lack of overall shitousery didn’t come back to bite it in the play-off? Well, it’s time to pay the piper. All three other rivalries reign supreme here. However, I truly feel bad for the Casablanca derby — the clubs involved have seen one team leave the field in protest, a player die during the 100th derby, and over 100 people arrested during a fight and will still not finish first in this section. However, despite the straight up evil shit that has happened during the Derby della Capitale, the bad juju has to be punished in some way. As for the Superclasico, what more can I say about the shit that’s gone down?

POINTS: SUPERCLASICO (4), CASABLANCA DERBY (3), DERBY DELLA CAPITALE (2), CANADIAN CLASSIQUE (1)

COMBINED SUCCESS

There are two battles here — the one for first and the one for third. In the former, both the Superclasico and Casablanca Derby boast tremendous success both domestically and abroad between their clubs. River and Boca have combined for 10 Copa Libertadores titles, 73 league titles, and 31 national cups, while Raja and Wydad have earned a total of six CAF Champions League crowns, 34 league titles, and 21 domestic cups. The Argentine clubs get the nod both due to the total and sustained success. Meantime, both the Derby della Capitale and Canadian Classique are light on silverware (not counting the Canadian Championship, which basically has a 2/3 chance of landing with the latter). Roma and Lazio have combined for a bit more league titles and continental hardware than Toronto and Montreal, though length of time has played a factor.

POINTS: SUPERCLASICO (4), CASABLANCA DERBY (3), DERBY DELLA CAPITALE (2), CANADIAN CLASSIQUE (1)

STAR POWER

The Superclasico can probably just drop Diego Maradona and leave, but that would disregard the likes of Carlos Tevez, Martin Palermo, Juan Riquelme, Alfredo Di Stefano, Hernan Crespo, and Javier Mascherano. Though Toronto and Montreal can boast the likes of Didier Drogba, Sebastian Giovinco, Michael Bradley, and technically Thierry Henry, Roma and Lazio counter with a list of Italian legends like Francesco Totti, Bruno Conti, Daniele De Rossi, Giorgio Chinaglia, and Silvio Piola. Meantime, while Wydad and Raja have seen some of the best African players walk through their doors, they can’t quite compete with the other three.

POINTS: SUPERCLASICO (4), DERBY DELLA CAPITALE (3), CANADIAN CLASSIQUE (2), CASABLANCA DERBY (1)

FAN SHENANIGANS

There is a sizable gap between the Canadian Classique (where fans create a loud and great atmosphere) and the Casablanca Derby (where fans unfurl legendary tifos and set off so many flares and smoke bombs it looks like the stadium is on fire). But even for the latter, which sees furious fan displays and deadly fighting, there’s a bit of a further gap between the other two. The Derby della Capitale is one of the few rivalries whose fan activities and atmosphere I would consider “dangerous,” with actions of violence and even political hatred thrown in. Against 95% of rivalries in this tournament, it would take the top spot. But the shit that fans get into during Superclasico is simply on another level — beyond the Puerta 12 tragedy, they’ve been responsible for multiple matches being postponed due to the chaos they’ve unleashed.

POINTS: SUPERCLASICO (4), DERBY DELLA CAPITALE (3), CASABLANCA DERBY (2), CANADIAN CLASSIQUE (1)

THE PEAK

The Superclasico has achieved something few of these rivalries have done — see both clubs make the final of the same edition of the continental competition. The chaos that ensued when Boca and River met in the 2018 Copa Libertadores Finals was simply unrivaled. Meantime, each of the three other rivalries has a strong case for second place. While Roma and Lazio have only met once in a final, it came in the Coppa Italia, with the latter prevailing by a narrow margin of 1-0. While you can argue the 2006 clash for the league title was the most important matchup between the two, never have things lined up quite like they did during the 2019 Arab Club Champions Cup Round of 16 duel between Wydad and Raja — a 5-5 aggregate affair with enough tifos and flairs to make the stands seem ablaze. There’s no doubt to the peak of the Canadian Classique — the 2016 MLS Eastern Conference Finals, which saw a 7-5 aggregate affair go into extra time with history on the line. It’s a tough call to determine a final order.

POINTS: SUPERCLASICO (4), CANADIAN CLASSIQUE (3), DERBY DELLA CAPITALE (2), CASABLANCA DERBY (1)

CURRENT STATUS

While each of these rivalries is currently solid, there are some cracks starting to form. For example, Montreal has dominated Toronto recently, with the former getting over an image crisis and the latter being dogshit. Meanwhile, while things have been more even recently between Raja and Wydad, the latter has seen more success and the former took a step back this past season. Though both Lazio and Roma have been playing in Europe recently, the former has certainly gotten the better of the former lately. As for Boca and River, both continue to trade wins and are going deep into continental competition.

POINTS: SUPERCLASICO (4), DERBY DELLA CAPITALE (3), CASABLANCA DERBY (2), CANADIAN CLASSIQUE (1)

LEVEL OF HATRED

It feels bad to give any of these rivalries just one point in this section, but it had to be done. Sorry, Montreal and Toronto, but it has to be done — the others are on another level. Also, sorry to Raja and Wydad — the strengths of their rivalry are also those of two of the best in the game. While River and Boca fans will go to war against each other, they can also at least co-exist in daily life. The same probably can’t be said for Roma and Lazio fans, whose attitude towards each other is so “on sight” they might just stab each other on instinct.

POINTS: DERBY DELLA CAPITALE (4), SUPERCLASICO (3), CASABLANCA DERBY (2), CANADIAN CLASSIQUE (1)

TOTAL: SUPERCLASICO (41), DERBY DELLA CAPITALE (30), CASABLANCA DERBY (23), CANADIAN CLASSIQUE (17)

SUPERCLASICO & DERBY DELLA CAPITALE MOVE ON

Another solid start for a tournament favorite, as the Superclasico moves on convincingly in first place. The Derby della Capitale also stays alive despite a strong challenge from the Casablanca Derby, which might’ve gone further had the luck of the draw been a bit kinder. The Canadian Classique may have won a playoff to get here, but in the end it was simply outclassed.

GROUP C:

DE KLASSIEKER (NETHERLANDS), URUGUAYAN CLASICO (URUGUAY), CASCADIA CUP (UNITED STATES), NORTH LONDON DERBY (ENGLAND)

LENGTH

While the current (MLS) version of the Cascadia Cup has only been around since 2011, Portland and Seattle have been facing off since 1975. Though that’s long by American standards, it’s laughable for most of the rest of the world. The loudest laughs are coming from Nacional and Penarol, who have been duking it out in the Uruguayan Clasico since just after the turn of the (20th) century. As for the other two rivalries, while Ajax and Feyenoord have faced off more than Arsenal and Tottenham, the North London Derby has been going on 12 years longer than De Klassieker, so it gets the edge here.

POINTS: URUGUAYAN CLASICO (4), NORTH LONDON DERBY (3), DE KLASSIEKER (2), CASCADIA CUP (1)

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

For as many points as it will earn later on, the Uruguayan Clasico gets just one here. While there’s nothing wrong with success and proximity turning Penarol and Nacional into bitter enemies, it’s my least favorite way for a rivalry to start. Both De Klassieker and the Cascadia Cup have their roots tied to their cities of origin. But while Seattle and Portland have one of the best city feuds in the U.S., Feyenoord and Ajax get the edge due to Amsterdam and Rotterdam having beef since the 13th century. However, the North London Derby’s origins are personal. Not only did Arsenal move into what was considered Tottenham territory, but they also got the original First Division promotion due to fucking them over as well. That’s some good shit.

POINTS: NORTH LONDON DERBY (4), DE KLASSIEKER (3), CASCADIA CUP (2), URUGUAYAN CLASICO (1)

COMPETITIVENESS

Despite there being more Nacional draws against Penarol than wins (plus the whole CURCC thing), I’m not going to ding them as hard due to all three results still being fairly even. Meanwhile, in spite of draws being the least common result, the European rivalries do have a notable imbalance, with Arsenal beating Tottenham 20 more times and Ajax beating Feyenoord 33 more times, which for both is around a quarter/third of the other team’s total. As for the other New World rivalry, you never know who will win between Portland and Seattle, with their overall statistics not giving either club a significant edge.

POINTS: CASCADIA CUP (4), URUGUAYAN CLASICO (3), NORTH LONDON DERBY (2), DE KLASSIEKER (1)

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

While there have been some great on-field moments between Portland and Seattle, not a lot of them have come with history at stake. Feyenoord and Ajax have faced off with the title of “best soccer club in the world” on the line, with other memorable title clashes and the great thrashing of Johan Cruyff thrown in. Perhaps no transfer apart from Luis Figo has shocked the world more than Sol Campbell’s move from Tottenham to Arsenal, and that’s not counting the other great moments with history and titles to play for between the two. Nacional and Penarol seemingly always go for the league title, with clashes between the two often determining the champion.

POINTS: DE KLASSIEKER (4), NORTH LONDON DERBY (3), URUGUAYAN CLASICO (2), CASCADIA CUP (1)

SHITHOUSERY

The Cascadia Cup definitely stands strong here, with the famous “Red Card Wedding” and Portland’s “Soccer City USA” billboard in Seattle. In fact, I may even rank it ahead of the North London Derby, which has its own instances of violence, red cards, and shit talking with fans. That being said, the shit that happened at the start of the First Division that got Arsenal promoted and kept Tottenham below is pure official shithousery. When it comes to the other rivalries, even De Klassieker’s shithousery is more about what happened between the fans and not Ajax and Feyenoord on the field. But no one else compares to the Penarol and Nacional. The Uruguayan Clasico has seen brawls that have resulted in arrests and legal action, one team literally sneaking out of the stadium at halftime, and a goddamn German WW2 boat.

POINTS: URUGUAYAN CLASICO (4), NORTH LONDON DERBY (3), CASCADIA CUP (2), DE KLASSIEKER (1)

COMBINED SUCCESS

Although Arsenal have actually won the Premier League and Tottenham have won two Europa League titles, the overall recent drought of success and lack of a continental title hurt them both greatly here. Hell, even Seattle has won the CONCACAF Champions League (along with several U.S. Open Cup crowns), with them and Portland combining for multiple MLS Cups and Western Conference titles. It’s tough to decide between the other two pairs, which have each won continental competitions and dominated league play. But I’m going to give Nacional and Penarol the top spot here, if only because Ajax carries Feyenoord when it comes to silverware.

POINTS: URUGUAYAN CLASICO (4), DE KLASSIEKER (3), CASCADIA CUP (2), NORTH LONDON DERBY (1)

STAR POWER

When looking through the history of the North London Derby, you see some of the biggest stars ever in European soccer littered throughout. Thierry Henry, Harry Kane, Robin Van Persie, Gareth Bale, Casc Fabregas, Gary Lineker, etc. have all suited up in the rivalry. Though De Klassieker has the name to trump them all in Johan Cruyff, the supporting cast of Sjaak Swart, Marco van Basten, Dirk Kuyt, and Klaas-Jan Huntelaar just aren’t enough to match. Meanwhile, although the Cascadia Cup has more well-known modern era players like Clint Dempsey, Darlington Nagbe, Diego Valeri, and Cristian Roldan, they haven’t accomplished anything close to the Uruguayan Clasico’s stars of old (plus Diego Forlan, Luis Suarez, and Diego Godin can be called upon). Let’s respect the past.

POINTS: NORTH LONDON DERBY (4), DE KLASSIEKER (3), URUGUAYAN CLASICO (2), CASCADIA CUP (1)

FAN SHENANIGANS

Portland and Seattle fans have been known for their incredible tifo work. However, even in this regard, they’re out done by the Uruguayans. In 2011, Penarol fans unveiled the largest flag ever displayed in a stadium. Just two years later, Nacional fans broke that record. Arsenal and Tottenham fans don’t need a big flag to show their dedication — though I must deduct points from the former simply because of reasons. As for Ajax and Feyenoord, even though the on-field product has diminished, fan violence off the field certainly hasn’t.

POINTS: DE KLASSIEKER (4), URUGUAYAN CLASICO (3), NORTH LONDON DERBY (2), CASCADIA CUP (1)

THE PEAK

For about five years in the 1970’s, the best soccer teams in the world played in the Netherlands. After Feyenoord won the 1970 UEFA Champions League, Ajax claimed three in a row, with the former finishing things off with a Europa League win after that. Given that this was the growth period of Total Football, the two rivals put together some of the best soccer ever seen in their matches. While Penarol and Nacional went back-to-back as Copa Libertadores winners from 1987-88, their run wasn’t quite as dominant. In the U.S., either Seattle or Portland represented the Western Conference in the MLS Cup from 2015-21, with both sides combining for three titles (though the two rarely decided those honors). While Arsenal and Tottenham haven’t combined for a stretch like that, they did provide some major headlines with the infamous Sol Campbell transfer and subsequent return to the latter’s stadium, which was pretty intense.

POINTS: DE KLASSIEKER (4), URUGUAYAN CLASICO (3), NORTH LONDON DERBY (2), CASCADIA CUP (1)

CURRENT STATUS

Although the two rivals have been fairly even against each other recently (which is overall what matters), Penarol have taken a bit of a step back, with Nacional succeeding more at home and abroad. Tottenham have also been slacking lately, with the internal struggle likely seeing the end of Harry Kane’s time there. Plus, Arsenal just got their first Premier League win at their rival’s new stadium in January while keeping their own unbeaten league run at Emirates Stadium alive. Seattle and Portland both missed the playoffs last year for the first time in an eternity. While the former appears to be bouncing back, the latter has not lost a rivalry match in over two years. Feyenoord just broke its own league title drought — but let’s be honest, Ajax is still the dominant club and the rivalry hasn’t been near its peak in a long time.

POINTS: URUGUAYAN CLASICO (4), NORTH LONDON DERBY (3), CASCADIA CUP (2), DE KLASSIEKER (1)

LEVEL OF HATRED

While Americans are certainly familiar with hatred, when it comes to sports, outside of maybe college football in the South their hate can’t compete with the hate between rival soccer fans around the world. All three other rivalries are tough to separate here, but the one whose fans fight each other at lower division matches and the one whose teams are so petty they have a dick-measuring contest with flags get the nods.

POINTS: URUGUAYAN CLASICO (4), DE KLASSIEKER (3), NORTH LONDON DERBY (2), CASCADIA CUP (1)

TOTAL: URUGUAYAN CLASICO (34), DE KLASSIEKER (29), NORTH LONDON DERBY (29), CASCADIA CUP (18)

The Uruguayan Clasico fends off two tough challengers to win the group and move on, while the Cascadia Cup put up a respectable fight. However, we have a tie — De Klassieker and the North London Derby could not be separated in the standings. Both are interestingly similar — both have maintained a strong level of hatred despite one club being notably more successful than the latter. While the Netherlands’ top rivalry had undoubtedly the greater on-field peak, England’s entry has been perhaps more consistent, with the greater off-field peak. In the end, I have to go for the rivalry that seems to find new ways to thrive throughout the decades and not the one that was arguably the best in the world — a long time ago.

URUGUAYAN CLASICO & NORTH LONDON DERBY MOVE ON

GROUP D:

ETERNAL DERBY (SERBIA), PERUVIAN CLASICO (PERU), SUPER MATCH (SOUTH KOREA), DERBY DELLA MADONNINA (ITALY)

LENGTH

Although the Eternal Derby is among the most bitter and hate-fueled in this competition, Red Star and Partizan only began playing in 1947. While they’ve nearly met as many times as Milan and Inter, the Derby Della Madonnina gets the full points by beginning in 1909. The Peruvian Clasico comes in second despite Alianza and Universitario having the most matches played, starting in 1928. As for the Super Match, a 1996 beginning between Seoul and Suwon only earns a point here.

POINTS: DERBY DELLA MADONNINA (4), PERUVIAN CLASICO (3), ETERNAL DERBY (2), SUPER MATCH (1)

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

Each of these rivalries have interesting beginnings, standing out from just “success” and “our cities hate each other.” Inter became a thing after members of Milan left due to a dispute over signing international players. Suwon and Seoul’s rivalry was sparked due to transfers on the coach and player level, as well as their parent companies being industrial arch rivals. Universitario and Alianza represented different racial, cultural, and economical sides of Lima during a crucial period in its history (plus they literally fought each other in their first match). Both Partizan and Red Star were founded in political institutions, with the rivalry becoming a reflection of which group was superior and growing as war continued throughout the Balkans.

POINTS: ETERNAL DERBY (4), PERUVIAN CLASICO (3), DERBY DELLA MADONNINA (2), SUPER MATCH (1)

COMPETITIVENESS

While each of these rivalries are competitive, there are some disparities. In particular, Red Star enjoys a large advantage in wins over Partisan, which is much closer to the draw total. Alianza’s advantage over Universitario is a bit smaller, with that gap getting to just ten apart when we talk about Milan and Inter. But incredibly, Seoul and Suwon are the most competitive, with both clubs twice as close to each other in wins than draws.

POINTS: SUPER MATCH (4), DERBY DELLA MADONNINA (3), PERUVIAN CLASICO (2), ETERNAL DERBY (1)

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

Looking at the results, the Super Match has way more exciting results and dramatic matches with trophies on the line than you’d think, especially for its youth. This includes the 2001-02 AFC Champions League Final and the 2016 FA Cup Final, which both went to penalties. While the Derby della Madonnina may not have reached those heights in European competitions, there are much more memorable moments in total, some which nearly reach that peak. There’s little to separate the Eternal Derby and Peruvian Clasico in this regard, but there is a difference.

POINTS: DERBY DELLA MADONNINA (4), SUPER MATCH (3), PERUVIAN CLASICO (2), ETERNAL DERBY (1)

SHITHOUSERY

Suwon and Seoul, take your point and wait for the rest. When it comes to the true shithousery masters though, the Derby della Madonnina has to take a step back itself, even though it has an absolutely iconic moment in the UEFA Champions League semi-final flare match. No, this category must be decided between the Peruvians and the Serbians. Both have seen plenty of insanity, though for as great and plentiful as the chaos surrounding the Eternal Derby presents itself, the diversity of the madness of the Peruvian Classico lets it win out.

POINTS: PERUVIAN CLASICO (4), ETERNAL DERBY (3), DERBY DELLA MADONNINA (2), SUPER MATCH (1)

COMBINED SUCCESS

Does anyone object to me ranking the combined success of Milan and Inter above the other three rivalries? No? Cool. Now then, Seoul and Suwon get the second spot over Partizan and Red Star due to not only more Champions League titles (countering more league/cup wins for the latter pair), but also the fact that the former pair have played in international competition. While that can also be said for Universitario and Alianza, a lack of silverware places them last.

POINTS: DERBY DELLA MADONNINA (4), SUPER MATCH (3), ETERNAL DERBY (2), PERUVIAN CLASICO (1)

STAR POWER

Again, does anyone object to me ranking the combined star power of Milan and Inter above the other three rivalries? No again? Excellent. As for the other three, you’re essentially putting the best of Peru, Serbia, and South Korea against each other. I have no fucking clue who deserves these points, but the only player I recognized before starting this was Claudio Pizarro, so congrats Alianza and Universitario. Red Star, Partizan, Seoul, Suwon, good luck.

POINTS: DERBY DELLA MADONNINA (4), PERUVIAN CLASICO (3), ETERNAL DERBY (2), SUPER MATCH (1)

FAN SHENANIGANS

With all due respect to the Super Match, it needs to take a backseat here, because the other three are on a different level. That being said, this is the most difficult category to sort the Derby della Madonnina. On one hand, the level of violence got so out of hand that both fan groups decided to be chill, creating a safe yet incredible atmosphere. On the other hand, going above and beyond the normal atmosphere, no matter how unsafe it gets, does get some points here, which is why the Eternal Derby claims the top spot (points at, like, fucking everything to support this decision). So when it comes to the Peruvian Clasico, is it better or worse to have the violence ranked higher than the atmosphere? Decisions, decisions.

POINTS: ETERNAL DERBY (4), DERBY DELLA MADONNINA (3), PERUVIAN CLASICO (2), SUPER MATCH (1)

THE PEAK

No greater stakes can be had when playing your rival for your confederation’s top club prize. That was the case when Seoul and Suwon faced off in the 2001-02 AFC Champions League final, with the latter winning on penalties to claim their second title in a row. There’s also the 2016 FA Cup final that saw a dramatic comeback by Seoul, only for Suwon to win on penalties. This all gives the Super Match a technical victory, with the Derby della Madonnina coming second. While Inter and Milan have “only” faced off in the UEFA Champions League semi-finals, they do have the 1977 Coppa Italia Final to their name, among other ties. As for the Peruvian Clasico and Eternal Derby, it’s tough to pinpoint an exact peak of the rivalry. For the former, I’d say the late 1980’s, when Alianza and Universitario were fighting both at home and in the Copa Libertadores. For the latter, I’d say when Red Star won the 1991 UEFA Champions League and then lost to Partizan in the following Yugoslav Cup.

POINTS: SUPER MATCH (4), DERBY DELLA MADONNINA (3), ETERNAL DERBY (2), PERUVIAN CLASICO (1)

CURRENT STATUS

A few years ago, the Derby della Madonnina might’ve ranked much lower in this section. But then Lukaku vs. Zlatan, back-to-back Serie A titles, and meetings in the Coppa Italia and UEFA Champions League semi-finals have Inter and Milan in fantastic shape, despite a current four-game winning streak for the former. Meanwhile, both Red Star and Alianza have a bit of an advantage (both in terms of overall trophies and wins) over Partizan and Universitario, respectively. But while Partizan has still been there in second place most of the time (and earning a draw or two), Universitario has taken a step back. While Seoul has its own slight streak against Suwon, both clubs have struggled overall lately, with Suwon fighting relegation over the two most recent seasons and Seoul not far behind (though they’re doing well this year). Going down in the standings means overall less prestige for the combined rivalry.

POINTS: DERBY DELLA MADONNINA (4), ETERNAL DERBY (3), PERUVIAN CLASICO (2), SUPER MATCH (1)

LEVEL OF HATRED

Few — if any — rivalries can be described by the pure, intense vitriol spat between the opposing fans like the Eternal Derby can. The Peruvian Clasico is its own great level of hatred, but the fear you get from the other one just isn’t there. As for the Derby della Madonnina, going back to the scaled back violence thing, the overall hatred is still surely there, but this is where it bites the rivalry on the ass. Even the Super Match gets a bit of the edge here.

POINTS: ETERNAL DERBY (4), PERUVIAN CLASICO (3), SUPER MATCH (2), DERBY DELLA MADONNINA (1)

TOTAL: DERBY DELLA MADONNINA (34), ETERNAL DERBY (28), PERUVIAN CLASICO (26), SUPER MATCH (22)

DERBY DELLA MADONNINA & ETERNAL DERBY MOVE ON

In a surprisingly competitive group, the Derby della Madonnina relies on its history, prestige, and success to move on, despite going up against two hate-fueled duels. Both the Eternal Derby and Peruvian Clasico had little between them, but the former eked out a close victory. The Super Match can also be proud, scoring more points than any last place finisher so far.

GROUP E:

NORTH WEST DERBY (ENGLAND), KARIAKOO DERBY (TANZANIA), EL SUPER CLASICO (MEXICO), THE OLD FIRM (SCOTLAND)

LENGTH

You’d think that having the first match in 1894 would give the North West Derby the early advantage here. But then the Old Firm comes down and slaps an 1888 start date down and walks away with four points. It would be a few years before the next rivalry — the Kiriakoo Derby — began in the late 1930’s, with El Super Clasico following in 1943.

POINTS: THE OLD FIRM (4), NORTH WEST DERBY (3), KARIAKOO DERBY (2), EL SUPER CLASICO (1)

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

The roots of the Old Firm are basically in every aspect of life (politics, religion, economics), including the sporting area, with Celtic taking advantage of a weakened Rangers to spark the initial hatred. While the economy is a big reason why the cities of Manchester and Liverpool hate each other, proximity and success are the two biggest reasons the North West Derby took off. The Kariakoo Derby began when a group of players and staff left Yanga after poor performances and established Simba out of pure spite. El Super Clasico, meanwhile, began by Chivas kicking America’s ass 7-2 and the latter vowing to have their revenge (though that would come decades later).

POINTS: THE OLD FIRM (4), KARIAKOO DERBY (3), EL SUPER CLASICO (2), NORTH WEST DERBY (1)

COMPETITIVENESS

The Old Firm is as close as can be, with just four wins (and 102 draws) separating Celtic and Rangers. While the stats aren’t as close for Manchester and Liverpool, they’re still relatively even overall. Both El Super Clasico and the Kariakoo Derby have at least one club with fewer wins than draws. But Yanga and Simba’s struggle is notably lesser than Chivas and America’s when it comes to evenness.

POINTS: THE OLD FIRM (4), NORTH WEST DERBY (3), KARIAKOO DERBY (2), EL SUPER CLASICO (1)

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

There have been more memorable moments in the Old Firm than I can count, while the big ones in the North West Derby. El Super Clasico also has some classic title fight moments, but perhaps not as much. The Kariakoo Derby falls a bit behind here.

POINTS: THE OLD FIRM (4), NORTH WEST DERBY (3), EL SUPER CLASICO (2), KARIAKOO DERBY (1)

SHITHOUSERY

There are two battles going on here — the one for first and the one for third. The North West Derby has seen plenty of cards, taunting, fans getting involved, and even an incident of on-field racism. The Kariakoo Derby has seen one team be so scared of getting its ass kicked that it forfeited a match (plus whatever the fuck happened in 2021). But with all due respect to those two rivalries, the other pair is a step above. El Super Clasico can whip out multiple mass brawls and suspensions in a three year span — plus one of the greatest shit-talking quotes by a coach I’ve ever seen. However, the Old Firm had a game end in such a chaotic scene that it got comparisons to Apocalypse Now, as well as several incidents of players getting in trouble for inflammatory religious/cultural gestures.

POINTS: THE OLD FIRM (4), EL SUPER CLASICO (3), NORTH WEST DERBY (2), KARIAKOO DERBY (1)

COMBINED SUCCESS

When you have the two most successful Premier League clubs and two of the top eight UEFA Champions League winners in your rivalry, you’re sitting pretty here. While the North West Derby can claim that, they can’t claim first place — both clubs in the Old Firm rank in the top five clubs worldwide in terms of trophies. The battle for third is closer than you’d think, but ultimately El Super Clasico gets the nod over the Kariakoo Derby.

POINTS: THE OLD FIRM (4), NORTH WEST DERBY (3), EL SUPER CLASICO (2), KARIAKOO DERBY (1)

STAR POWER

Bobby Charlton, Kenny Dalglish, Devid Beckham, Steven Gerrard, Wayne Rooney, Mohammed Salah, Marcus Rashford –these are just some of the illustrious names that have played in the North West Derby. That is clearly the top finisher here, and no disrespect but the Kariakoo Derby is definitely last. So how do we separate the Old Firm and El Super Clasico? Both have illustrious historic rosters, but one is slightly more relevant to world soccer.

POINTS: NORTH WEST DERBY (4), EL SUPER CLASICO (3), THE OLD FIRM (2), KARIAKOO DERBY (1)

FAN SHENANIGANS

Hahahahahahahaha give the Old Firm all of the points here. Meanwhile, the North West Derby and El Super Clasico are both heavily impacted by fan insanity, with the former noted unsightly behavior (though the brawl at an old timers’ game in another country is pretty solid). But I need to shout out the Kariakoo Derby, if only because of the fact that rival neighbors regularly wager nights with each other’s wives on the outcomes of matches is fucking hilarious.

POINTS: THE OLD FIRM (4), EL SUPER CLASICO (3), NORTH WEST DERBY (2), KARIAKOO DERBY (1)

THE PEAK

Given the lengthy local dominance of Celtic and Rangers, it’s tough to determine an exact peak of the Old Firm. You could say the stretch in the late 1960’s to early 1970’s, when Celtic made two UEFA Champions League finals (winning one) and Rangers won the UEFA Europa League. You could also ironically count the time the rivalry arguably “died,” when Rangers went under in 2012. It’s also tough to point to a peak in the North West Derby, though that’s because Manchester and Liverpool are rarely elite at the same time. There are the 1977 and 1983 final matches or the 2016 Europa League encounters. But the Luis Suarez-Patrice Evra incident might be a good one to choose, because it specifically highlighted the rivalry. There’s no doubt as to the peak of El Super Clasico — 1983-86, when Chivas and America combined for two bench-clearing, stadium-emptying brawls and saw their rivalry hit new heights both domestically and internationally. As for the Kariakoo Derby, the period from 2009-13 not only saw Simba and Yanga trade league titles, but a 5-0 win for the former.

POINTS: EL SUPER CLASICO (4), THE OLD FIRM (3), NORTH WEST DERBY (2), KARIAKOO DERBY (1)

CURRENT STATUS

Most of these rivalries are going strong. Rangers and Celtic are back to their dominant ways, finishing first and second in each of the five seasons. America and Chivas met in the semi-finals of this past Clausura, while Yanga and Simba finished first and second, respectively, as well. But for Manchester and Liverpool, each club is going through it a bit, though begrudgingly I must admit results have greatly swung in the former’s favor lately.

POINTS: THE OLD FIRM (4), EL SUPER CLASICO (3), KARIAKOO DERBY (2), NORTH WEST DERBY (1)

LEVEL OF HATRED

I absolutely refuse to give the Old Firm anything but the full points here, in fear of being killed by a Scottish person. As for second place, I’m going to combine the historic passion from El Super Clasico combined with the fact that the North West Derby participants may have their hate divided by other rivals/their own ownership. The Kariakoo Derby also gets a bonus for taking over more than just Tanzania on match day.

POINTS: THE OLD FIRM (4), EL SUPER CLASICO (3), KARIAKOO DERBY (2), NORTH WEST DERBY (1)

TOTAL: THE OLD FIRM (41), EL SUPER CLASICO (28), NORTH WEST DERBY (27), KARIAKOO DERBY (17)

THE OLD FIRM & EL SUPER CLASICO MOVE ON

The Old Firm entered the tournament as one of the favorites and it clearly showed here, winning the group with a dominant performance. As for second, El Super Clasico narrowly edged the North West Derby in a pretty notable upset for many (and ensured North/Central America will be represented in the knockout stage). The Kariakoo Derby’s last place finish means Africa keeps waiting for its own rivalry to move on.

GROUP F:

GRENAL (BRAZIL), TUNIS DERBY (TUNISIA), CALIFORNIA CLASICO (UNITED STATES), INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY (TURKEY)

LENGTH

Once again, the U.S. rivalry draws the short straw here. As for first place, Grenal and the Intercontinental Derby began in 1909, though the former has been played a few dozen more times. Meanwhile, the Tunis Derby takes third place.

POINTS: GRENAL (4), INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY (3), TUNIS DERBY (2), CALIFORNIA CLASICO (1)

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

The Intercontinental Derby (despite being named after a geographical term and being the only one featuring clubs from two different continents) didn’t sprout that way. Instead, after years of relative peace (with the clubs even being in talks to merge at one point — only the start of the Balkan Wars prevented this), Fenerbahce and Galatasaray randomly had riots break out during a 1934 match and it was on sight from there. If only this fight had been during a much earlier match, then the rivalry would rank higher. Grenal began after Gremio absolutely whipped Internacional’s ass in their first matchup. The California Clasico is based on regional rivalry, with San Jose and Los Angeles representing dueling halves of the Golden State. The Tunis Derby originally attracted fans of different economic classes, but that was after the two clubs had started playing.

POINTS: GRENAL (4), INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY (3), CALIFORNIA CLASICO (2), TUNIS DERBY (1)

COMPETITIVENESS

The California Clasico gets a lot of points here, with the total wins for San Jose and Los Angeles being relatively close and draws notably the least common answer. Grenal is pretty competitive, though the stats are a bit skewed in favor of Internacional thanks to a huge advantage in “other tournaments and friendlies” over Gremio. The Intercontinental Derby is pretty much as competitive (Fenerbahce having a notable advantage over Galatasaray). Esperance has way more wins than Africain, putting the Tunis Derby last.

POINTS: CALIFORNIA CLASICO (4), GRENAL (3), INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY (2), TUNIS DERBY (1)

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

Forgive my American/NorCal bias here. The California Clasico probably won’t advance to the next round, so I’m going to give it the full points here — the combination of MLS Cup 2001, the Landon Donovan incident, and every batshit crazy stoppage time comeback need to be highlighted. As for the actual favorites, both Grenal and the Intercontinental Derby have produced many iconic moments. But I’m going to give the nod to the one with the flag. The Tunis Derby just gets outclassed here.

POINTS: CALIFORNIA CLASICO (4), INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY (3), GRENAL (2), TUNIS DERBY (1)

SHITHOUSERY

It’s a battle between the Greeks and the Turks, with Gremio (multiple-red card matches, the fights with fans, the Copa Libertadores brawl, literally creating a match over banner bragging rights) barely getting ahead of the Intercontinental Derby (countless red cards and brawls, the great flag incident, and one team purposely turning the lights out on their celebrating rivals). I’m going to give the California Clasico the edge over the Tunis Derby for third, if only because of the combination of batshit on-field shenanigans and the David Beckham/Q scuffle becoming a meme.

POINTS: GRENAL (4), INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY (3), CALIFORNIA CLASICO (2), TUNIS DERBY (1)

COMBINED SUCCESS

San Jose and Los Angeles have each won several trophies, though they can’t measure up to the other three pairs. That’s especially true for Fenerbache and Galatasaray, which easily take the top spot. Meanwhile, Internacional and Gremio have won more international trophies than Africain and Esperance, though the former pair has more overall domestic titles (thanks in large part due to Esperance). Still, dominating the Gauchao isn’t as impressive.

POINTS: INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY (4), TUNIS DERBY (3), GRENAL (2), CALIFORNIA CLASICO (1)

STAR POWER

Grenal could just name Ronaldinho and probably win, but Diego Forlan, Luis Suarez, and other notable South American legends add to the victory. That’s because the California Clasico can claim the likes of David Beckham, Robbie Keane, Chicharito, and Landon Donovan. While the Intercontinental Derby can’t quite match that level of star power, the likes of Wesley Sneijder, Robin Van Persie, and the many Turkish legends are still notable. Then there’s the Tunis Derby.

POINTS: GRENAL (4), CALIFORNIA CLASICO (3), INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY (2), TUNIS DERBY (1)

FAN SHENANIGANS

If you are a fan of flares and fire everywhere, having matches abandoned due to complete chaos, and even fearing for your life, the Intercontinental Derby is for you. That’s how Gremio — a rivalry that saw a player stabbed by a fan and a player injured by a fan attack on a bus a century later — comes second in this category. The Tunis Derby gets the edge over the California Clasico due to the incredible tifos produced on a seemingly daily basis.

POINTS: INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY (4), GRENAL (3), TUNIS DERBY (2), CALIFORNIA CLASICO (1)

THE PEAK

The California Clasico has two moments that can put it at the top — MLS Cup 2001 and Landon Donovan’s betrayal. While things are a little tougher for the Intercontinental Derby, Graeme Souness and the flag are simply iconic. The Tunis Derby has several tournament finals to its name, as well as some that had to be decided by penalties. Most people will point to 1989’s Grenal of the Century as Grenal’s peak, so I will, too.

POINTS: CALIFORNIA CLASICO (4), INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY (3), TUNIS DERBY (2), GRENAL (1)

CURRENT STATUS

A blip of relegation by Gremio saw a brief pause in league play against Internacional, but things have largely returned to normal. As for the Intercontinental Derby, Galatasaray and Fenderbahce just finished in the top two spots in their league and have split the past four matches. Esperance has been dominating lately, with Africain being threatened by Etoile du Sahel as the second-most successful Tunisian club. But sadly, they’re not doing as bad as San Jose and Los Angeles, who have largely been terrible over the past several years. What’s more, the inclusion of LAFC and the introduction of El Trafico has threatened the California Clasico’s status as the biggest rivalry involving LA.

POINTS: INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY (4), GRENAL (3), TUNIS DERBY (2), CALIFORNIA CLASICO (1)

LEVEL OF HATRED

Few rivalries can match the pure passion and hatred of South American rivalries. But the Intercontinental Derby is one of them, so it edges out Grenal here. Because of the above reasons, the California Clasico finishes dead last (though NorCal and SoCal could play each other in jacks and blow up Twitter/X), with the Tunis Derby taking advantage.

POINTS: INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY (4), GRENAL (3), TUNIS DERBY (2), CALIFORNIA CLASICO (1)

TOTAL: INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY (35), GRENAL (33), CALIFORNIA CLASICO (24), TUNIS DERBY (18) 

INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY & GRENAL MOVE ON

What an absolute battle for first place! The Intercontinental Derby just nudges past Grenal, with both of them moving on. The California Clasico had a respectable showing, while the Tunis Derby just couldn’t get anything going.

GROUP G:

PAULISTA DERBY (BRAZIL), SOWETO DERBY (SOUTH AFRICA), KOLKATA DERBY (INDIA), DERBY DE LISBOA (PORTUGAL)

LENGTH

Although the Derby de Lisboa has only seen the third-most matchups, it’s been going on since 1907 — a decade longer than the next oldest. That would be the Paulista Derby, with the Kolkata Derby coming next. The Soweto Derby, which began in 1970, is easily the youngest.

POINTS: DERBY DE LISBOA (4), PAULISTA DERBY (3), KOLKATA DERBY (2), SOWETO DERBY (1)

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

That being said, the Soweto Derby has perhaps the best origin story of any rivalry in this tournament. For the Orlando Pirates to see their best player ever go to the U.S., only to be shunned by his old team upon his return, inspiring him to start his own team (which he names after himself). The Kaizer Chiefs’ roots and those of the rivalry are the same. A sort of similar thing sparked the Derby de Lisboa, with several Benfica players left for Sporting over poor training conditions. The same thing happened with the Paulista Derby, as several players formed Palmeiras (leaving Corinthians in the process), though it would take a few matches and an ox bone for things to truly get going. The Kolkata Derby (and East Bengal) began when Mohun Bagan’s opponent did not field a particular player in spite of his talent, instantly connecting it to politics/racism/society.

POINTS: SOWETO DERBY (4), KOLKATA DERBY (3), DERBY DE LISBOA (2), PAULISTA DERBY (1)

COMPETITIVENESS

Ordinarily, a 25-win gap between both sides of a rivalry (which sees both competitors have over 100 victories and well under 100 draws) wouldn’t be that hurtful. But the Derby de Lisboa is going up against statistically three of the most competitive rivalries in this tournament. The Paulista Derby has both clubs within four wins of each other, with draws a ways back in third. The Kolkata derby is nearly identical in all three categories, with the two teams’ wins narrowly being put ahead. The Soweto Derby is almost the same, except the draws have an advantage.

POINTS: PAULISTA DERBY (4), KOLKATA DERBY (3), SOWETO DERBY (2), DERBY DE LISBOA (1)

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

All of these rivalries have put together great on-field action and seen their competitors square off for silverware. If anything, the Soweto Derby gets screwed here due to not existing long enough to keep up with the others. The Paulista Derby has always had a bit more at stake more consistently than the Derby de Lisboa, while the Kolkata Derby still finishes solid here.

POINTS: PAULISTA DERBY (4), DERBY DE LISBOA (3), KOLKATA DERBY (2), SOWETO DERBY (1)

SHITHOUSERY

An ox bone. A generational player transfer stopped and then stolen. More than 20 penalties in a preseason charity match. Players refusing to show up or being so scared of their fans that they hide in a boat. Each of these four rivalries bring some of the spiciest shithousery we have in the tournament and it’s a shame to have to rank them.

POINTS: KOLKATA DERBY (4), PAULISTA DERBY (3), DERBY DE LISBOA (2), SOWETO DERBY (1)

COMBINED SUCCESS

Every rivalry here can claim at least one international trophy, with the Paulista Derby leading in that regard. The Kolkata Derby combines for the most total trophies, which includes some domination of minor tournaments (though those are counted by FIFA and the AFC). Only the Soweto Derby doesn’t have both teams with at least 50 honors, though it is younger and the Derby de Lisboa is carried in large part by one team in particular.

POINTS: KOLKATA DERBY (4), DERBY DE LISBOA (3), PAULISTA DERBY (2), SOWETO DERBY (1)

STAR POWER

The battle between the Portuguese and Brazilian clubs for this section is great and close. The Paulista Derby boasts the likes of Socrates, Rivellino, Roberto Carlos, Rivaldo, Cafu, and Paulinho. The Derby de Lisboa counters with the likes of Eusebio, Angel Di Maria, David Luiz, Cristiano Ronaldo, Luis Figo, and Bruno Fernandes. That’s pretty goddamn even. As for the battle for third, the Soweto Derby gets the nod over the Kolkata Derby.

POINTS: DERBY DE LISBOA (4), PAULISTA DERBY (3), SOWETO DERBY (2), KOLKATA DERBY (1)

FAN SHENANIGANS

None of these rivalries deserves to get just one point here, so great and passionate are these fan bases. Unfortunately for the Derby de Lisboa, it’s going up against two rivalries with stadium disasters and a South American rivalry, so it’s behind the ball here. Although the overall level of violence (though admittedly not the insanity) has gone down a bit, the Soweto Derby is ranked high because of the tragedies that came before and the overall wonderful atmospheres that have come since. The Brazilians are no slouches here, largely because both sides of the Paulista Derby are known for traveling extremely well. It takes a lot to beat a South American rivalry in any category, but given the political, social, and economic tensions that fuel the fan shenanigans of the Kolkata Derby, it deservedly gets that honor here.

POINTS: SOWETO DERBY (4), KOLKATA DERBY (3), PAULISTA DERBY (2), DERBY DE LISBOA (1)

THE PEAK

Given the diminished impact of Portuguese soccer clubs as a whole on European soccer (and the relative decline of Sporting in recent years), we have to look back to the early 1960’s for the peak of the Derby de Lisboa. That’s when Benfica won its UEFA Champions League titles, Sporting got its European Cup Winners’ Cup title, and the great Eusebio transfer debate took place. The Kolkata Derby’s peak is a bit tougher to find and we have to look through tragedy. The chaos surrounding the Bagan-Bengal match that would turn into Football Lovers’ Day transformed soccer in India as we know it. A similar incident — the Ellis Park Stadium disaster (the second such disaster involving the Soweto Derby) — happened just after the Pirates and Chiefs created the Vodacom Challenge to help bring the country together. Around the same time, the Paulista Derby was at its peak, with Corinthians and Palmeiras meeting in the knockout stages of the Copa Libertadores in back-to-back seasons (with a melee thrown in between for good measure).

POINTS: PAULISTA DERBY (4), SOWETO DERBY (3), KOLKATA DERBY (2), DERBY DE LISBOA (1)

CURRENT STATUS

Although maybe not doing as well in terms of league championships, the Soweto Derby is still thriving and quite even. Both the Pirates and Chiefs finished in the top five in the league and while Kaizer has an unbeaten streak in league play, Orlando has been victorious in recent cup clashes. As for the Paulista Derby, Palmeiras is arguably in its golden age, having recently won two Copa Libertadores titles. While Corinthians has dipped a bit, they’re still finishing in respectable positions and doing well in tournaments. Benfica has seemingly gone back to form, getting back on top of the league after a three-year stretch out of first place (horrific for them). While Sporting did finally win a title in 2021 and has kept the most recent on-field results even, it doesn’t quite make up for the rest of the decline lately. But they’re doing much better than Bengal, which has paired bad league form with Bagan winning every Kolkata Derby match since the COVID-19 pandemic began.

POINTS: SOWETO DERBY (4), PAULISTA DERBY (3), DERBY DE LISBOA (2), KOLKATA DERBY (1)

LEVEL OF HATRED

It takes a lot to top a South American rivalry in this category as well, but once again the Kolkata Derby gets it done here, edging out the Paulista Derby for the top spot. Although the Soweto Derby is in a much better shape socially and in overall atmosphere than in years past, the change drops it behind the Derby de Lisboa here.

POINTS: KOLKATA DERBY (4), PAULISTA DERBY (3), DERBY DE LISBOA (2), SOWETO DERBY (1)

TOTAL: PAULISTA DERBY (32), KOLKATA DERBY (29), SOWETO DERBY (26), DERBY DE LISBOA (24)

PAULISTA DERBY & KOLKATA DERBY MOVE ON

Every FIFA World Cup has a group of death — this was definitely the case for the World Cup of Hate. Each of these derbies were at least a dark horse contender and all brought their A-games, with the end result being the closest group in terms of points in the entire tournament. The Paulista Derby won out, but one of the overall strongest rivalries finished with fewer than ten points more than the Derby de Lisboa, which may have finished last but is definitely above any kind of disrespect. The Kolkata Derby’s second place finish also means that Asia will be represented in the knockout stage. The Soweto Derby came oh so close, but Africa’s wait continues. However, I don’t think it will have to wait much longer.

GROUP H:

LE CLASSIQUE (FRANCE), CAIRO DERBY (EGYPT), TEHRAN DERBY (IRAN), REVIERDERBY (GERMANY)

LENGTH

Despite beginning just eight years earlier, there have been significantly more Cairo Derby matches than those in the Revierderby. Both are still by far the oldest of these four. As for the other two, while the Tehran Derby has been going on for three years longer, Le Classique has four more matches to its name. It’s a razor-thin decision for third.

POINTS: CAIRO DERBY (4), REVIERDERBY (3), TEHRAN DERBY (2), LE CLASSIQUE (1)

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

While each of these rivalries can lean on continued competition to fuel the hatred, they also have their own unique spin to add. The roots of the Cairo Derby trace back to Egyptian nationalism in the 1910’s and 20’s, as well as the moving around of Hussein Hegazi. Schalke repeatedly kicked Dortmund’s ass at the start of the Revierderby, brewing hatred that truly boiled over once the latter got good. The Tehran Derby owes a lot to Shahin FC, a club that got so popular it was forced to disband by the Iranian FA, with many of its players and coaches (as well as its hatred of Esteghlal) reuniting under the Persepolis banner. The roots of Le Classique were technically planted during the 1974-75 Coupe de France, though many consider the “Butchery of 1992” the true heating point.

POINTS: TEHRAN DERBY (4), CAIRO DERBY (3), LE CLASSIQUE (2), REVIERDERBY (1)

COMPETITIVENESS

Normally, a rivalry having more draws than wins by either club would be a good sign of competitiveness. But draws are so likely to happen in the Tehran Derby that it gets a little predictable and unsatisfying. That’s why the narrow gap between the Revierderby competitors helps give it the edge here. On paper, both Le Classique and the Cairo Derby are lopsided, the latter particularly so. But I will later explain why that shouldn’t hurt it that much.

POINTS: REVIERDERBY (4), TEHRAN DERBY (3), LE CLASSIQUE (2), CAIRO DERBY (1)

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

A CAF Champions League Final, countless league and tournament deciders, and a riot that causes the season to end prematurely. Yeah, the Cairo Derby takes this one. Le Classique has plenty of high-stakes moments and violence, so it scores highly too. The Tehran Derby isn’t too far off, while the Revierderby gets hit big here for not having many stakes outside of bragging rights in most of its matches.

POINTS: CAIRO DERBY (4), LE CLASSIQUE (3), TEHRAN DERBY (2), REVIERDERBY (1)

SHITHOUSERY

If there’s one thing French soccer has consistently provided at a top level compared to the rest of the world, it’s drama. Le Classique not only has a lengthy list of shenanigans despite not even being 50 years old, but the diversity of shit that has been sprinkled across the rivalry is incredibly unique (it’s the only qualifier for the World Cup of hate that includes a porn star). That’s how it gets the edge over the anchor of “administration and media hate the most popular team in the country so they create the country’s most popular rivalry” that the Tehran Derby boasts. The Cairo Derby certainly has its own shithousery, as does the Revierderby, though the latter has such tough competition here.

POINTS: LE CLASSIQUE (4), TEHRAN DERBY (3), CAIRO DERBY (2), REVIERDERBY (1)

COMBINED SUCCESS

Remember when I said I would explain the Cairo Derby’s lopsidedness and why it isn’t necessarily a bad thing? Well, Zamalek has dozens of trophies, is tied for the second-most CAF Championships, and was named by CAF as the second-greatest African soccer club of the 20th century. The problem? Al Ahly isn’t just the one club better than them — they’ve been better by a growing margin. Al Ahly has more than twice as many Champions League trophies and well over 100 put together. In fact, Al Ahly has won more trophies than any other soccer club ever. That’s what Zamalek is going up against here (and still doing fairly well). As for the other three rivalries, Le Classique has more than 70 combined trophies (with PSG contributing much more than Marseille), while the Tehran Derby has the slim advantage over the Revierderby both when it comes to titles won and average rate of winning a trophy.

POINTS: CAIRO DERBY (4), LE CLASSIQUE (3), TEHRAN DERBY (2), REVIERDERBY (1)

STAR POWER

Thanks to PSG (or more accurately, Qatar), Le Classique gets the easy nod here, with the likes of Lionel Messi, Kylian Mbappe, Neymar, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Edinson Cavani, Sergio Ramos, and Thiago Silva. To be fair, Ronaldinho arrived before the oil money and Marseille can throw in the likes of Didier Deschamps, Laurent Blanc, and Franck Ribery. The Revierderby isn’t too far behind, thanks to Dortmund and Schalke boasting players like Marco Reus, Manuel Neuer, Robert Lewandowski, Mezut Ozil, Michael Zorc, Klaas-Jan Huntelaar, and Erling Haaland. As for the Cairo Derby and Tehran Derby, the pickings are a little more slim, with Al Ahly, Zamalek, Esteghlal, and Persepolis lacking in worldwide stardom.

POINTS: LE CLASSIQUE (4), REVIERDERBY (3), CAIRO DERBY (2), TEHRAN DERBY (1)

FAN SHENANIGANS

Fans in the Cairo Derby are so crazy they create terrifying scenes in the stands that sometimes spill outside. Fans in the Tehran Derby have proven to be equally as insane and have had an arguably bigger impact on their specific rivalry. The fan incidents in Le Classique have been violent and consistent despite one side being much more successful (proving each side lives rent free in the other’s mind). The Revierderby has created some of the most incredible match atmospheres in all of soccer.

POINTS: CAIRO DERBY (4), TEHRAN DERBY (3), LE CLASSIQUE (2), REVIERDERBY (1)

THE PEAK

The Cairo Derby has achieved the ultimate peak for a rivalry — meeting in the final of a continental competition. The 2020 CAF Champions League Final saw Al Ahly and Zamalek duke it out for the highest stakes. While they didn’t play each other in European competition, Dortmund and Schalke won the UEFA Champions League and Europa League, respectively, in 1997, turning the following few Revierderby matches into contests to see who was the best team in Europe. From 1992-93, you could argue Le Classique was never better, with Marseille and PSG meeting in the “Butchery of 1992” and the league title decider (just after the former had won the UEFA Champions League. The peak of the Tehran Derby can be viewed as one of several different moments, such as the 1983 non-televised contest that saw a record crowd of 128,000, the 1995 controversy that saw the end of Iranian referees involved in Persepolis-Esteghlal matches, and the 2000 clash that led to a mass brawl and rampage.

POINTS: CAIRO DERBY (4), REVIERDERBY (3), LE CLASSIQUE (2), TEHRAN DERBY (1)

CURRENT STATUS

Three years after the CAF Champions League Final, the Cairo Derby is as hot as ever, with Zamalek getting some new domestic success and Al Ahly unable to not win Champions Leagues. The Tehran Derby, of course, remains largely even, though Persepolis does have a recent advantage over Esteghlal in terms of silverware. Le Classique has been extremely one-sided recently, especially with mass spending by PSG. But given the… let’s call them problems going on in Paris, this may be Marseille’s change to make things even again. Still, at least they can count on playing each other at least twice this season. Schalke has once again been relegated to the 2. Bundesliga, throwing the future of the Revierderby into question (though maybe Dortmund should worry about not bottling the league title again yes I’m still bitter).

POINTS: CAIRO DERBY (4), TEHRAN DERBY (3), LE CLASSIQUE (2), REVIERDERBY (1)

LEVEL OF HATRED

This is always the hardest section to score — if any pair of rivals didn’t hate each other, they wouldn’t have qualified for the World Cup of Hate. This group in particular is difficult to rank. Do I go for hate that requires foreign referees to be used to ensure fairness (and in that case, which one?)? Do I go for the hatred that transcends league-long dominance? Do I go for the one that spans different leagues? It’s a tough call.

POINTS: CAIRO DERBY (4), TEHRAN DERBY (3), LE CLASSIQUE (2), REVIERDERBY (1)

TOTAL: CAIRO DERBY (36), LE CLASSIQUE (27), TEHRAN DERBY (27), REVIERDERBY (20)

Africa waited until the end, but it finally has a knockout stage representative in the Cairo Derby, which has shown that it’s a potential champion in pulling away from such a competitive group. It’s the high-level of quality in these rivalries that caused such a historic and famous rivalry in the Revierderby to finish last. That competitiveness can also be felt in the fact that we have one more tie, with Le Classique and the Tehran Derby even in second place. To the gut pick we go, and it’s not as tough of a decision as you’d think. For as great as Le Classique can be when it’s firing on all cylinders, the factors that have brought it down ( such as overall competitiveness due to obscene spending by PSG) are things that in my opinion are plaguing soccer right now. I can’t in good conscience go with it, especially over such a consistent and great (albeit less well known) rivalry in the Tehran Derby.

CAIRO DERBY AND TEHRAN DERBY MOVE ON

Just like that, the field has been cut in half. We’re down to just 16 rivalries that are now set to go one-on-one until one is left standing. While there are some rivalries that didn’t make the cut which might’ve done better had they been placed in an easier group, there’s no doubt the rivalries still in the competition have earned the right to be here. We’ve got the best of the best left and there’s nothing left to do but see which one’s the best. 

COMING UP IN PART 14: The sweet (and sour) 16.