Ruben's Writings

Calling this round of the World Cup of Hate the “Sweet 16” doesn’t sound right, though just “Round of 16” is kind of boring. “Sour 16”? Eh…

“Salty 16”? Fuck it…

ROUND OF 16

EL CLASICO (SPAIN) VS. DERBY DELLA CAPITALE (ITALY)

LENGTH

Barcelona and Real Madrid first played in 1902, while Roma didn’t even exist until 1927 and didn’t start playing Lazio until 1929. But while the Derby della Capitale started with a bit of spice, it took things a bit to get going when it comes to El Clasico. However, there have also been significantly more El Clasico matches than those in the Derby della Capitale.

WINNER: EL CLASICO

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

Both rivalries have roots in dictatorships. El Clasico is rooted in Barcelona being a symbol of Catalan identity (in direct opposition to Madrid’s central tendencies), which was heavily suppressed during Francisco Franco’s regime. Several years earlier, Benito Mussolini ordered all Roman clubs to unite and form a “super club” to challenge the dominant clubs in Northern Italy. Only Lazio refused and (thanks to general Giorgio Vaccaro) was able to remain separate from that new club, Roma. I’ll give a slight edge to the Derby della Capitale, if only because the reason for the rivalry was more immediately impactful at the start.

WINNER: DERBY DELLA CAPITALE

COMPETITIVENESS

Although El Clasico is statistically much more competitive if you take away exhibition matches, Madrid and Barcelona have always played each other relatively evenly. On the other hand, friendly matches technically make the Derby della Capitale more competitive, though Roma wins (and draws) have a notable edge over Lazio wins.

WINNER: EL CLASICO

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

Barcelona and Madrid have met many times and created nearly as many magical moments. Even if we take away matches with silverware on the line, there are still countless memories between the two rivals. While Roma and Lazio have their own great moments, they just can’t compete with their opponents.

WINNER: EL CLASICO

SHITHOUSERY

Oh boy, both of these rivalries shine brightly here. What’s more, both the Derby della Capitale and El Clasico can throw politics into these acts of chaos. In the end though, a close contest goes to the one with shithousery caused by a dictator in favor of one team over the other.

WINNER: EL CLASICO

COMBINED SUCCESS

With northern clubs dominating Italian soccer historically, Roma and Lazio have still managed to carve out 15 domestic trophies and 17 total titles each. Madrid’s UEFA Champions League title haul alone can nearly match that — throw in the rest of its successes (as well as those of Barcelona) and this section is no contest.

WINNER: EL CLASICO

STAR POWER

El Clasico is going to be essentially impossible to beat in this category. While Roma and Lazio can throw out the likes of Francesco Totti, Daniele De Rossi, Dino da Costa, Silvio Piola, and Ciro Immobile, the Derby della Capitale just can’t compete with an all-time list of either Madrid or Barcelona stars, let alone a combined list.

WINNER: EL CLASICO

FAN SHENANIGANS

Fans have played a big role in El Clasico, particularly with Barcelona, which has become the symbol of Catalan identity. The Final of the Bottles and the reaction to the Luis Figo transfer have seen those fans in the spotlight. Madrid fans have also played a role, notably applauding for legendary Barcelona performances. But when it comes to the Derby della Capitale, the fans play such a larger, more important role. Roma and Lazio fans (the latter in particular) may not have done the most socially acceptable or even morally correct things. But when it comes to creating a fantastic atmosphere and even impacting the rivalry itself, they do incredibly well.

WINNER: DERBY DELLA CAPITALE

THE PEAK

The peak of the Derby della Capitale is probably either the stretch from 2000-01 when Lazio and Roma went back-to-back as Serie A champs or the 2013 Coppa Italia Final (the only time the two have met with silverware on the line). Neither can touch the 18-day stretch in 2011 when Barcelona and Real Madrid faced off four times, with El Clasico seeing a Copa Del Rey final, La Liga action, and the UEFA Champions League semi-finals in less than three weeks.

WINNER: EL CLASICO

CURRENT STATUS

After years of Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, Xavi, Sergio Ramos, Andres Iniesta, Karim Benzema, Gerard Pique, Marcelo, Sergio Busquets, Gareth Bale, and Jordi Alba on their rosters, Barcelona and Madrid are in a new era, with only a handful of players left over from the the past decade of greatness. But that doesn’t mean the success has declined, with Madrid recently earning another UEFA Champions League title and Barcelona getting back on top of La Liga. Roma and Lazio are doing well also, with the former appearing in back-to-back European finals (winning the inaugural UEFA Conference League) and the latter finishing second in Serie A. Both rivalries are healthy, but one is a little healthier.

WINNER: EL CLASICO

LEVEL OF HATRED

Very few rivalries can compete with El Clasico in this category, as the level of hate between Barcelona and Madrid stretches well beyond the soccer field. But incredibly, the Derby della Capitale is one of those rivalries, with inner-city proximity and an overall inability to consistently chase championships leading to bragging rights against each other being what drives Roma and Lazio. It’s one of the few rivalries I’d hesitate to see in person, due to the sheer level of danger caused by that hatred.

WINNER: DERBY DELLA CAPITALE

TOTAL: EL CLASICO WINS 8-3

It takes a strong rivalry to record such a dominant win, let alone over a rivalry like the Derby della Capitale. El Clasico is one of those rivalries and continues its run into the quarter-finals. 

SUPERCLASICO (ARGENTINA) VS. DERBY OF THE ETERNAL ENEMIES (GREECE)

LENGTH

Boca and River have been playing official matches against each other since 1913, though it was in 1925 that the latter’s move to Nunez added another level to the rivalry. While it was around that same time that Olympiacos and Panathinaikos first began play (and with roots of hatred already established), the Superclasico still has significantly more matches than the Derby of the Eternal Enemies.

WINNER: SUPERCLASICO

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

As mentioned above, the roots of each of these rivalries are based on their respective regions. River and Boca are both based in Buenos Aires and were originally seen as working class clubs. But River’s move to the affluent Nunez district changed that dynamic and helped grow the divide between the two clubs. Panathinaikos is based in Athens, while Olympiacos calls Piraeus home. The economic, social, and political differences between the two cities create a natural rivalry, which the clubs took advantage of immediately.

WINNER: DERBY OF THE ETERNAL ENEMIES

COMPETITIVENESS

Yeah… the Derby of the Eternal Enemies wasn’t going to be competitive in this section, with Olympiacos holding a major edge in wins over Panathinaikos. Contrast that with the Superclasico, which has all three results within single digits of each other (and fewer draws than either Boca or River wins).

WINNER: SUPERCLASICO

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

For as great as the Derby of the Eternal Enemies has been at times — and the moments that have come with them — the Superclasico just has way too many more (with some incredibly high stakes at play) to ever be seriously threatened here.

WINNER: SUPERCLASICO

SHITHOUSERY

Oh boy, where the hell do we begin here? Both of these rivalries come out swinging, with plenty of bullshit, fire, danger, and pettiness to be worthy of the points here. In the end, I have to pick some tiny nits and go with the Superclasico, which gets the edge over the Derby of the Eternal Enemies due to having the shithousery impact higher-stakes matches.

WINNER: SUPERCLASICO

COMBINED SUCCESS

Olympiacos and Panathinaikos combine for more than 120 trophies (mostly due to the former), though the vast majority of them come from domestic competition. But it’s not enough — River and Boca each have more than 70 pieces of silverware (over 140 total), with a healthy amount of them from international competitions.

WINNER: SUPERCLASICO

STAR POWER

With all due respect to the great Greek players of the past and present, the Derby of the Eternal Enemies, the rivalry was always going to struggle here. All the Superclasico has to do is throw out Diego Maradona to easily take the points here.

WINNER: SUPERCLASICO

FAN SHENANIGANS

I feel bad for the Derby of the Eternal Enemies — in terms of shithousery and shenanigans, it should be nearly impossible to top. But it just happened to run into the Superclasico — one of the few that can top it — so early in the knockout stage. I’m going to give it this section out of pity, though you can make an argument that it legitimately deserves the points here.

WINNER: DERBY OF THE ETERNAL ENEMIES

THE PEAK

It’s tough to point out a specific peak for the Derby of the Eternal Enemies, though honestly it doesn’t matter. The Superclasico has arguably the greatest peak out of any rivalry in the World Cup of Hate: the utter chaos and madness that was the 2018 Copa Libertadores Final.

WINNER: SUPERCLASICO

CURRENT STATUS

Both of these rivalries are in a healthy spot, with the Derby of the Eternal Enemies and the Superclasico seeing even results lately. When it comes to league play, Olympiacos’ recent streak of titles was snapped this past season, though Panathinaikos could take advantage, failing to win its first league championship since 2010. Meanwhile, Boca and River have combined to win eight of the past ten league titles (and their last match saw seven players get sent off after a mass brawl).

WINNER: SUPERCLASICO

LEVEL OF HATRED

Trying to separate these two rivalries in this section is like trying to ask people to identify which is Coca-Cola and which is Pepsi in a blind taste test — most people can’t do it (don’t lie and say you can). The Derby of the Eternal Enemies carries a level of hate worthy of competing among the best South American rivalries. But this isn’t just any South American rivalry — it’s the Superclasico, which takes the points here.

WINNER: SUPERCLASICO

TOTAL: SUPERCLASICO WINS 9-2

Damn — the Derby of the Eternal Enemies is not one to be messed with, especially off the field. But the Superclasico showed why it’s a tournament favorite, easily taking the win here.

URUGUAYAN CLASICO (URUGUAY) VS. ETERNAL DERBY (SERBIA)

LENGTH

Here’s some perspective — Serbia gained independence in 2006, having been a part of Serbia and Montenegro since 1992 and part of Yugoslavia since 1918. By the time Yugoslavia was formed, Nacional and Penarol had been playing for nearly 20 years and would continue to face off for another three decades before Partizan and Red Star first met.

WINNER: URUGUAYAN CLASICO

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

While there have been some economic, social, and political roots in the Uruguayan Clasico, the largest contributors have been proximity and mutual success between Penarol and Nacional. While the latter two factors have helped the Eternal Derby grow, the former trio of elements are right at the root of the founding of both Red Star and Partizan. as well as their rivalry.

WINNER: ETERNAL DERBY

COMPETITIVENESS

Both rivalries have one club with fewer wins than draws against the other. But the gap between the two in the Uruguayan Clasico is not only much closer than in the Eternal Derby, but also has proven to be much more even over a much longer length of time.

WINNER: URUGUAYAN CLASICO

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

Whenever Partizan and Red Star — and Nacional and Penarol — meet, it’s usually for a league title or cup at stake. Naturally, this means a lot of their meetings have plenty at stake and produce plenty of good memories. The Uruguayans get the slight edge due to having nearly five decades longer to make suck memories.

WINNER: URUGUAYAN CLASICO

SHITHOUSERY

Pure intensity and hatred have caused plenty of shithousery across the Eternal Derby, with fans parachuting onto the ground, ripping up chairs, and causing plenty of fights and fires. But when it comes to the on-field shithousery, the clubs don’t bring as much as the fans. That’s not the case in the Uruguayan Clasico, which has seen arrests and legal action, a doomed German WW2 boat in the background, and one team literally sneak out of the locker room at halftime.

WINNER: URUGUAYAN CLASICO

COMBINED SUCCESS

Both Red Star and Partizan have earned a respectable amount of trophies, combining for over 110 honours. However, both Nacional and Penarol have more than 100 pieces of silverware each, with only two rivalries in all of soccer even able to compete with them.

WINNER: URUGUAYAN CLASICO

STAR POWER

Big names are not what either of these rivalries are known for. But the Uruguayan Clasico definitely gets the edge over the Eternal Derby thanks to the likes of Diego Forlan, Diego Godin, Luis Suarez, and Maxi Rodriguez.

WINNER: URUGUAYAN CLASICO

FAN SHENANIGANS

The Uruguayan Clasico has seen its fair share of fan shenanigans, which range from violence to a dick-measuring contest involving record-sized tifos. But the Eternal Derby is on a level few (if any) can match. When you have multiple riots and fires, fans literally ripping dozens of seats from the stadium, and even an unexpected landing, you win this section.

WINNER: ETERNAL DERBY

THE PEAK

Given the lengthy stretch of dominance of the Montevideo clubs, it’s tough to establish one specific peak for the Uruguayan Clasico. But let’s go with the time when Penarol and Nacional went back-to-back as Copa Libertadores winners from 1987-88. As for the Eternal Derby, we could go with when Red Star won the 1991 UEFA Champions League and then lost to Partizan in the following Yugoslav Cup, or any particularly violent/fiery stretch of fan shenanigans. But in the end, the Uruguayans shine a bit more.

WINNER: URUGUAYAN CLASICO

CURRENT STATUS

Both of these rivalries have been somewhat one-sided lately, with Nacional and Red Star taking a bigger edge both at home and abroad. But Penarol’s slide isn’t as bad as Partizan’s, with the latter going winless in the past ten matchups with their rivals.

WINNER: URUGUAYAN CLASICO

LEVEL OF HATRED

Few rivalries can challenge the likes of South American clashes. But the Eternal Derby is one of those rivalries, with just pure, unadulterated animosity between its competitors. While the Uruguayan Clasico isn’t exactly devoid of hatred, it faces a rare opponent that has even more vitriol between its clubs and supporters.

WINNER: ETERNAL DERBY

TOTAL: URUGUAYAN CLASICO WINS 8-3

The Eternal Derby ranks among the greatest rivalries in world soccer due to its ferocity and fan involvement. But that can only get you so far, as the Uruguayan Clasico outclasses it in many other key areas. You can’t just hate to win the World Cup of Hate, or else this experiment would’ve been over long ago.

DERBY DELLA MADONNINA (ITALY) VS. NORTH LONDON DERBY (ENGLAND)

LENGTH

Both the Derby della Madonnina and North London Derby began in 1909, though the first match of the former happened at the start of the year and the latter’s inaugural encounter taking place at the end of the year. But even if we discount “unofficial” matches, Inter and Milan have faced  off dozens more times than Arsenal and Tottenham have done.

WINNER: DERBY DELLA MADONNINA

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

Once the Derby della Madonnina was born, Inter and Milan were already rivals, with the former being formed by a split at the latter due to a dispute over the signing of foreign players. While the North London Derby wasn’t heated at the start, two incidents — Arsenal’s move to Highbury and the shenanigans that kept Tottenham from initially being promoted to the First Division — truly sparked the rivalry and are more interesting.

WINNER: NORTH LONDON DERBY

COMPETITIVENESS

Both rivalries are competitive, especially on paper, where each club has more wins than draws against their respective rivals. However, Inter has just ten more wins than Milan, which has just ten more wins than total draws. That makes the Derby della Madonnina extremely even and a result historically up in the air. In comparison, the North London Derby isn’t quite as even, with the gap between Arsenal wins and Tottenham wins being twice as large as that between Spurs wins and draws.

WINNER: DERBY DELLA MADONNINA

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

We are about to enter a stretch of extremely close categories. For this one, both the North London Derby and Derby della Madonnina have seen several meaningful contests, spectacular goals, and iconic moments. But at the end of the day, I’m giving this to the rivalry where, historically, more has been at stake in these meetings.

WINNER: DERBY DELLA MADONNINA

SHITHOUSERY

It wouldn’t be Italian soccer without a bit of shithousery. From lemons to flares, the Derby della Madonnina has seen plenty of shenanigans on and off the field. So has the North London Derby, but the fact that the rivalry was founded upon shithousery (even involving the English FA) puts it over the top.

WINNER: NORTH LONDON DERBY

COMBINED SUCCESS

Three clubs in this matchup are bringing their A game in this section. Both Milan and Inter have won more than 30 domestic trophies, with international honors stretching their totals to 49 and 44, respectively. Arsenal have 46 domestic titles alone, with a pair of international trophies to their name as well. But then we have Tottenham — while many clubs would kill to have 24 total trophies (21 domestic), Spurs shockingly come up short when it counts.

WINNER: DERBY DELLA MADONNINA

STAR POWER

Wow — this category is worthy of the World Cup of Hate Final in this matchup. Milan and Inter can count Paolo Maldini, Ronaldo, Andrea Pirlo, Javier Zanetti, Kaka, Samuel Eto’o, Ronaldinho, Wesley Sneijder, Marco van Basten, Lothar Matthaus, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, and the Baresi brothers among their alumni. Arsenal and Tottenham counter with Thierry Henry, Harry Kane, Patrick Vieira, Gareth Bale, Dennis Bergkamp, Paul Gascoigne, Ian Wright, Robbie Keane, Robin van Persie, Luka Modric, Cesc Fabregas, Rafael van der Vaart, Ashley Cole, Gary Lineker, and Sol Campbell. I… I can’t make a pick here.

WINNER: EVEN

FAN SHENANIGANS

While the Derby della Madonnina’s history and current atmosphere have plenty to do with the incredible fan support, fans have made more of a direct impact on the North London Derby (see Sol Campbell’s first match back at white hart lane and the Theo Walcott 2-0 incident).

WINNER: NORTH LONDON DERBY

THE PEAK

This comes down to on-field vs. off-field. The Derby della Madonnina certainly has the on-field peak, with multiple matchups between Milan and Inter in the UEFA Champions League semi-finals (including the fiery affair 20 years ago), as well as the 1977 Coppa Italia Final. But off the field, the North London Derby can boast arguably the most controversial transfer of all-time, when Sol Campbell made his move from Tottenham to Arsenal. To separate the two, I have to look at just how impactful each peak has been. The 2003 semi-final was later overshadowed by the all-Italian final, while the Campbell saga put the rivalry at the center of the soccer world.

WINNER: NORTH LONDON DERBY

CURRENT STATUS

Once again, Spurs fuck it up here. While Arsenal has risen back to the ranks of Premier League title contenders (and taken their rivals’ place as bottlers), Tottenham is facing an uncertain future with the departure of club icon Harry Kane and constant managerial changes. It’s all a big change from just a few years ago, when the Derby della Madonnina would’ve probably lost this category. However, Milan and Inter are the two most recent Serie A winners and just met in this past season’s UEFA Champions League semi-finals, proving their rivalry is as hot as ever.

WINNER: DERBY DELLA MADONNINA

LEVEL OF HATRED

Again, due to the overall scaling back of violence (which, again, is a good thing in real life), the Derby della Madonnina gets bitten on the ass here. There are no such concerns about the North London Derby.

WINNER: NORTH LONDON DERBY

TOTAL: 6-6 TIE

Both of these rivalries came to play and are incredibly evenly-matched. Ultimately, I have to make a tough judgement call here — that call favors the Derby della Madonnina for three reasons. First, the moments and statistics are much more evenly spread between Inter and Milan, while Arsenal has been more one-sided in success in the North London Derby (Tottenham just kind of gets played). Second, I think I’ve been giving the Derby della Madonnina too much shit for its less-violent atmosphere, which honestly is the way the game should be enjoyed (even though this is the World Cup of Hate). Finally, if I had to pick a winner in the one category I called even (Star Power), I would give the slightest of edges to the Derby della Madonnina, slim enough to not change the past result but make it count here. The North London Derby has absolutely nothing to be ashamed about, but its journey does end here.

DERBY DELLA MADONNINA MOVES ON

THE OLD FIRM (SCOTLAND) VS. GRENAL (BRAZIL)

LENGTH

Gremio and Internacional have been playing since 1909, a date that would win this category most of the time. But that’s nearly 20 years after Celtic and Rangers first shared the pitch in 1888 (though to be fair Grenal has been played three more times than the Old Firm).

WINNER: THE OLD FIRM

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

Grenal’s rivalry roots can be traced to the inaugural matchup, which left Internacional eager for revenge after a 10-0 ass-whooping by Gremio. As far as the Old Firm, the roots can be traced towards pretty much all aspects of society, with Rangers and Celtic each becoming symbols for quite opposite ways of life.

WINNER: THE OLD FIRM

COMPETITIVENESS

There are just a handful of wins separating Celtic and Rangers historically, with the total amount of draws far behind. Conversely, the only close gap is the one between Gremio wins and draws, with Internacional wins notably ahead (though that can be blamed on other tournament/friendly matches, which make up over 40% of the total matchups).

WINNER: THE OLD FIRM

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

Both Grenal and the Old Firm have seen plenty of memorable moments, though in general Rangers and Celtic have squared off for higher stakes (and with more drastic results) than have Internacional and Gremio.

WINNER: THE OLD FIRM

SHITHOUSERY

The Old Firm is going to be tough to beat in this category — while Grenal puts up quite a fight, it just comes up short (which is kind of a theme for this matchup).

WINNER: THE OLD FIRM

COMBINED SUCCESS

Both Gremio and Internacional have won double-digit national/international competitions, as well as more than 40 state titles, giving them nearly 50 trophies apiece. While that’s both impressive and pretty much even, Celtic and Rangers are just too much, with both clubs winning more than 100 pieces of silverware each.

WINNER: THE OLD FIRM

STAR POWER

This is the one area where the Old Firm has struggled, with few names that garner much response outside of Britain. Grenal doesn’t exactly stack up star power either, though I can just name Ronaldinho and it’s pretty much a wrap.

WINNER: GRENAL

FAN SHENANIGANS

When Grenal was less than a decade old, a Gremio fan stabbed an Internacional player. More than a century full of incidents and controversy later, a Grenal match had to be canceled due to Internacional fans throwing rocks and pipes at Gremio’s bus. Yet, Grenal must take second place in this category in the latest example of “Grenal is great, but the Old Firm is just a little better.” Mass brawls that draw comparisons to Apocalypse Now, multiple deaths, a referee being injured, and all the other bullshit that happens when Rangers and Celtic fans get together are enough to give the Old Firm a slight edge here.

WINNER: THE OLD FIRM

THE PEAK

Celtic and Rangers have been so dominant, it’s tough to mark a peak in the rivalry, though perhaps the late 1960’s/early 1970’s when the Old Firm contained arguably the best teams in Europe can be just that. The 1980’s seem to be a good time to be called Grenal’s peak, with both the Battle of the Banners and Grenal of the Century taking place for this time. Honestly, I kind of feel bad for Gremio and Internacional, so I’ll give them the edge out of sympathy.

WINNER: GRENAL

CURRENT STATUS

Rangers and Celtic are in the middle of another dominant period, having finished either first or second in each of the last five Scottish Premiership seasons. While things have pretty much gotten back to normal in Brazil (especially for Internacional), Gremio’s brief relegation period is a notable black eye. However, given the chaos surrounding their most recent Copa Libertadores clashes and the first ever canceled Grenal, it earns a tie with the Old Firm.

WINNER: EVEN

LEVEL OF HATRED

It takes a lot to top a South American rivalry in this category, especially one with the history and passion of Grenal. But the Old Firm is more than up to the challenge — I defy you to find one thing opposing fans in Glasgow hate more than their rival teams.

WINNER: THE OLD FIRM

TOTAL: THE OLD FIRM WINS 9-3

Grenal has to feel robbed of a place in either the quarter-finals or semi-finals, given the high-quality rivalry that’s going home. But it just happened to come up against one of the tournament favorites, with the Old Firm flexing its muscle and showing just how strong it can be.

INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY (TURKEY) VS. EL SUPER CLASICO (MEXICO)

LENGTH

Several aspects of a rivalry are in El Super Clasico’s favor, but time is not one of them. Chivas and America have met 249 times, but only began playing each other in 1943. In comparison, the Intercontinental Derby has been going on since 1909, with Galatasaray and Fenerbahce nearing 400 battles against each other.

WINNER: INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

The Intercontinental Derby sort of began out of nowhere — Fenerbahce and Galatasaray were so close that at one point the two clubs came close to merging. However, a 1934 friendly turned into a riot and it’s been on sight ever since. Nine years later, Guadalajara kicked America’s ass so badly that America vowed revenge, which eventually came paired with some incredible shit talking by the former’s manager.

WINNER: EL SUPER CLASICO

COMPETITIVENESS

Each of these rivalries have one club (Fenerbahce and America) with a notable advantage in the win column. But while Galatasaray has more wins than draws (unlike Guadalajara), the overall gap between each total is significantly smaller. That’s enough to get the win here.

WINNER: EL SUPER CLASICO

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

Galatasaray and Fenerbahce have combined to produce some incredible moments on the field, though the Intercontinental Derby is more known for its fan violence and shithousery. As for El Super Clasico, the shithousery (and a lot of fan violence) are sewn into the major moments, with playoff battles and other trophy fights seeing plenty of hateful activity.

WINNER: EL SUPER CLASICO

SHITHOUSERY

Don’t get me wrong — El Clasico is full of shithousery, from the shit-talking that started it to the mass brawls just a few years apart. But when compared to the Intercontinental Derby — flag-planting, some brawls of its own, and one team being forced to celebrate in the dark — it’s just a few steps behind.

WINNER: INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY

COMBINED SUCCESS

America has a unique distinction — it and another club still in this tournament are the only two in the world to be the outright record winner of its national league, cup competition, and confederation tournaments. As such, it has around three dozen trophies. Chivas actually has more than 40 of its own, although a significant percentage of that comes from regional titles not competed for in 70 years. But even if we take away defunct championships (more than 20 for each club), Fenerbahce still has as many titles as America and Galatasaray easily clears both Mexican clubs.

WINNER: INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY

STAR POWER

El Super Clasico does pretty well here, with some of the best names in Mexican soccer — Guillermo Ochoa, Javier Hernandez, Cuauhtemoc Blanco, Marco Fabian, Hugo Sanchez, Omar Bravo — taking part in matches. You can also make the argument that as a whole, it has the more well-known collection of stars. But I can’t look at names like Wesley Sneijder, Robin van Persie, Radamel Falcao, Dirk Kuyt, Didier Drogba, and Roberto Carlos and not give this category to the Intercontinental Derby. Oh and speaking of those first two names — Mexican fans, era penal.

WINNER: INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY

FAN SHENANIGANS

If a major brawl breaks out between fans at a match between America and Chivas old timers, then can you imagine the shit that goes on for actual first team Super Clasico matchups? Yet somehow, fans of Fenerbahce and Galatasaray have somehow outdone that level of insanity, with absolutely surreal atmospheres at every Intercontinental Derby. They even have an impact when they’re not there — a flare somehow made it inside the stadium during a match that was played behind closed doors.

WINNER: INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY

THE PEAK

Although the Intercontinental Derby as a whole is filled with more memorable moments, El Super Clasico has the highest overall peak — the pair of mass brawls in playoff matchups in the mid-1980’s. That’s one of the best peaks for any rivalry in the World Cup of Hate.

WINNER: EL SUPER CLASICO

CURRENT STATUS

Both rivalries are in a good place right now. After a brief dip in league form, Fenerbahce and Galatasaray finished first and second this past season and have split the past four matchups. Chivas and America have bounced back as well, with the two meeting in the most recent Clausura semi-final. I see little (if anything) to separate these two.

WINNER: EVEN

LEVEL OF HATRED

Latin American hate is tough to beat and El Super Clasico obviously is filled with hate. But I feel a deeper sense of hate coming from the Intercontinental Derby — do not fuck with Turkish fans.

WINNER: INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY

TOTAL: INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY WINS 7-5

El Super Clasico put up a hell of a fight, but it ultimately came up just short. The Intercontinental Derby was seen as a dark horse contender and it now sits one round away from the semi-finals.

PAULISTA DERBY (BRAZIL) VS. TEHRAN DERBY (IRAN)

LENGTH

Though the Paulista Derby’s 1917 start can be considered “late” by other rivalries, it’s still got more than five decades on the Tehran Derby, which only began in 1968. Even if we count Shahin’s tenure, the rivalry could only date back to the 1940’s.

WINNER: PAULISTA DERBY

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

Speaking of Shahin, the Tehran Derby’s roots — Iran’s most popular club being forcefully shut down by the FA and media, only for its spiritual successor to clash with its rival in the country’s eventual greatest competition — are far more interesting than most in the World Cup of Hate. While the Paulista Derby was sparked by players leaving one club to start another, the new club beating the dominant old club, and shit-talking involving an ox bone, it can’t compete with that.

WINNER: TEHRAN DERBY

COMPETITIVENESS

Both of these rivalries are incredibly competitive. Historically, Palmeiras has just four more wins than Corinthians, with draws a distant third in terms of results. But draws actually have the sizable advantage between Persepolis and Esteghlal, which themselves are separated by just one victory. However, that big gap actually makes the Tehran Derby slightly less competitive (and overall satisfying from a statistical standpoint) than the Paulista Derby.

WINNER: PAULISTA DERBY

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

Both derbies have seen plenty of iconic and memorable moments. However, not only has age given the Paulista Derby more of these moments, but they’re often for higher stakes.

WINNER: PAULISTA DERBY

SHITHOUSERY

The shithousery in the Paulista Derby began with an ox bone in just the third match and has grown to include a fantastic array of chaos. But even with just over half the time to catch up, the Tehran Derby has equalized if not surpassed that level of tomfoolery.

WINNER: TEHRAN DERBY

COMBINED SUCCESS

While Persepolis brings many more domestic titles to the Tehran Derby, Esteghlal has had more continental success, bringing its trophy haul up to 19 compared to 27 for their rivals. While Corinthians and Palmeiras each have more than 50 trophies, more than half of that total haul is due to Paulista Championships. Still, I’m giving the Paulista Derby the win due to its clubs having more continental success, putting up respectable numbers of Brazilian titles (a much more competitive league), and the Paulista crowns having to be fought for against the likes of legendary clubs Santos and Sao Paulo.

WINNER: PAULISTA DERBY

STAR POWER

This one is no contest. With all due respect to those who have taken part in the Tehran Derby, the Paulista Derby has seen legends like Rivaldo, Socrates, Roberto Carlos, Paulinho, Cafu, Rivellino, and more suit up for its clubs.

WINNER: PAULISTA DERBY

FAN SHENANIGANS

Corinthians and Palmeiras are both known for having tremendous traveling support and for their rivalry to be the subject of literal cinema. But not only are Esteghlal and Persepolis fans as crazy (if not crazier) than their Brazilian counterparts, they’ve arguably had a bigger impact on the rivalry as a whole. I’m making that argument, anyway.

WINNER: TEHRAN DERBY

THE PEAK

While it’s tough to nail down a peak for the Tehran Derby, there are several good options, including the record crowd of 1983, the 1995 controversy, and the 2000 brawl. But the Paulista Derby’s peak is much easier to identify — the period of 1999-2000, which saw a mass brawl sandwiched between Copa Libertadores knockout stage meetings that needed penalties.

WINNER: PAULISTA DERBY

CURRENT STATUS

Both of these rivalries have become fairly one-sided in recent years, with Palmeiras entering a new golden era and Persepolis going on a nice run of its own. While Esteghlal did win a league title in 2022, it’s been five years since they’ve recorded a win in the Tehran Derby, while Corinthians has won multiple Paulista Derbies during that time.

WINNER: PAULISTA DERBY

LEVEL OF HATRED

As I’ve said multiple times, it takes a lot to outdo a South American rivalry in terms of hatred, especially one with the history of the Paulista Derby. But as I also said several chapters ago, North African soccer fans are fucking crazy, with the Tehran Derby having enough hatred to narrowly get the points here.

WINNER: TEHRAN DERBY

TOTAL: PAULISTA DERBY WINS 7-4

The Tehran Derby put up an admiral fight against arguably the best rivalry in Brazil. But quality wins out in the end, with the Paulista Derby’s experience giving it the edge.

CAIRO DERBY (EGYPT) VS. KOLKATA DERBY (INDIA)

LENGTH

Although the Cairo Derby has been going on four years longer than the unofficial start of the Kolkata Derby (and eight years before the official start), Bagan and Bengal have faced each other more than 100 more times than Al Ahly and Zamalek have (and nearly 150 times if you count unofficial matchups). I’ll take 100 more derbies over eight years of existence.

WINNER: KOLKATA DERBY

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

All four clubs in this matchup have grown to become symbols of different sides in politics, economics, society, and other aspects of life. Al Ahly represents the common people of Cairo and Egypt as a whole, while Zamalek was seen from the start as a club of the foreigner and outsider (and was literally named after the country’s controversial ruler at the time). Bagan was set up as a way for those in Kolkata to compete against the British and made up of Indian communities (though primarily Ghotis). Bengal was literally created out of pure Bengalese pride and would become a place for immigrants and refugees. In both rivalries, the two teams were going to clash on and off the field eventually. Because we have to split hairs at this stage, the Cairo Derby gets the slightest edge over the Kolkata Derby. The Cairo clubs were immediate ideological enemies, while it took until some political, real world happenings a couple of decades later for the Kairo clubs to be more directly in opposition (the British were seen as the main enemy of Bagan [and kind of Bengal] at the time).

WINNER: CAIRO DERBY

COMPETITIVENESS

While I’ve explained why Al Ahly’s large win disparity over Zamalek isn’t as bad as you’d think, it does leave the Cairo Derby open against a more even rivalry in this category. Although Bengal has a notable lead over Bagan in the win column (especially if you only count competitive matches), the latter has more wins than draws (barely, but still). I can’t in good faith not give this category to the Kolkata Derby.

WINNER: KOLKATA DERBY

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

Both rivalries have seen plenty of big moments, amazing comebacks, goalkfests, and battles for silverware. However, the Cairo Derby gets the slight edge over the Kolkata Derby due to having higher stakes and more pressure in its matchups.

WINNER: CAIRO DERBY

SHITHOUSERY

There have been many moments of shithousery, with matches abandoned, countless red cards being issued, several brawls, some no-shows, and other instances of controversy taking place. In the end, in a repeat of the section above, the Kolkata Derby narrowly loses out to the Cairo Derby in this section as well.

WINNER: CAIRO DERBY

COMBINED SUCCESS

Throwing in a ton of local trophies (Bengal and Bagan don’t have that much national success and even fewer international titles), both Kolkata Derby clubs have collected more than 100 trophies each. In any other matchup, that would likely be enough to win, especially when you consider that Zamalek can only contribute 76 trophies. But then we have Al Ahly, which according to Wikipedia boasts an astonishing 149 honours, more than any other soccer club in the world. The combined Cairo Derby total actually takes the cake here.

WINNER: CAIRO DERBY

STAR POWER

This is the best of Egypt vs. the best of India — with all due respect to those countries and their terrific players, there’s not a lot of star power to go around here. I can’t give an edge here.

WINNER: EVEN

FAN SHENANIGANS

Both fan bases have done plenty to earn a point in this section. The Kolkata Derby has seen more than its fair share of fan violence and otherwise shenanigans. But somehow the Cairo Derby goes even further, with legendary atmospheres and a sense of danger before and after kickoff, regardless of rooting interest.

WINNER: CAIRO DERBY

THE PEAK

While both rivalries have seen major stadium incidents/disasters and title fights, only one has seen their clubs directly compete to be the best in the continent. Zamalek and Al Ahly met in the “African Game of the Century” — the 2020 CAF Champions League Final. While Bengal and Bagan have met several times with high stakes, they can’t compete with that.

WINNER: CAIRO DERBY

CURRENT STATUS

While both rivalries have been a little one-sided recently, Zamalek have at least scored a few wins (and trophies) to help them deal with Al Ahly’s victories (and CAF Champions League titles). Bengal, meanwhile, has not beaten Bagan in several years (and is winless in the Indian Super League) and has fallen behind in the league standings as well.

WINNER: CAIRO DERBY

LEVEL OF HATRED

Talk about splitting hairs! The primary reason both of these rivalries are considered to be the best and most ferocious in their entire continents are the insane atmospheres and hatred between the clubs and fan bases. To have to choose between these two is extremely difficult, but I put myself in this position and have to deal with it. While the Kolkata Derby has shown great and powerful animosity, there’s just something deeper and purer about the hatred sprouted by the Cairo Derby.

WINNER: CAIRO DERBY

TOTAL: CAIRO DERBY WINS 9-3

The Afro-Asia battle was much closer than the score indicates, with the fierce and excellent Kolkata Derby narrowly falling short in several spots. But it just goes to show how strong the Cairo Derby is, as it moves on in the knockout stages.

One knockout round down and we’re halfway through the elimination matches. Don’t let some of these lopsided score lines fool you — these are some of the best of the best sports rivalries on the planet. But it just goes to show you what it takes to go far in the World Cup of Hate. Plus, I have a feeling these scores are about to get a lot closer.

COMING UP IN PART 15: Eight down, eight more to go — the fight for the semi-finals.