Ruben's Writings

There’s now just a single-digit total of rivalries left in the World Cup of Hate and every one of them deserve to be here. These are the elite of the elite of the elite when it comes to hatred, controversy, excitement, fan support, and memorable moments on the soccer field. All of these rivalries have at least a reasonable claim to be the best in the world, so deciding which deserves to hold that title will require some microscopic hair-splitting and nitpicking. It’s like having to decide which Miss Universe finalist I would like to date or (more accurately) which moment of the past 20 years has been most depressing for me as a Las Vegas Raiders fan.

Now then, back to the worldwide version of football.

QUARTER-FINALS

EL CLASICO (SPAIN) VS. URUGUAYAN CLASICO (URUGUAY)

LENGTH

El Clasico’s 1902 start date (and nearly 300 matches played) were always going to be tough to beat in this section. But beaten it is, with the Uruguayan Clasico also being played around 50% more frequently during that time.

WINNER: URUGUAYAN CLASICO

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

Although there was a greater divide between the two clubs when they faced off (Penarol was originally made up of English immigrant railway workers and Nacional was a club for purely native players), the Uruguayan Derby has largely been fueled by hatred bred from proximity and battles for success. Meanwhile, El Clasico’s roots stretch into pretty much all aspects of society, with Barcelona representing the Catalan way of life and Madrid representing the opposite in Spanish culture. That has all been evident even early in the rivalry.

WINNER: EL CLASICO

COMPETITIVENESS

This one is a little complicated. The Uruguayan Clasico has been extremely close over the years, with each result taking up around a third of the total tally. Penarol only has 16 more wins than Nacional, which has four fewer wins than draws. On the other side, when only counting matches that are worth something, Barcelona and Real Madrid are nearly even (the latter having just two more wins) and have twice as many wins as draws. But when we include exhibition games (which we must), Barcelona gets a significant advantage in terms of wins. So the Uruguayans win, right? Well, I said it was a significant winning edge for Barcelona, but it is in fact exactly 16 games — the same amount as Penarol’s advantage. Given that the draw rate is also incredibly smaller than the Uruguayans, El Clasico gets the edge here.

WINNER: EL CLASICO

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

Both Clasicos have seen some tremendous moments in their histories, with key battles and trophies at stake. But this is where the draws kind of bite the Uruguayan Clasico in the ass — the greater win percentage either way in El Clasico ensures a decision one way or the other. That’s more exciting and has resulted in more exciting finishes as a whole. Throw in meetings with more at stake (particularly internationally) and the Spanish rivalry gets the win here.

WINNER: EL CLASICO

SHITHOUSERY

Damn, this is an incredibly tough category to call. Barcelona and Madrid have seen plenty of shithousery in their matchups, from the 11-1 match to the Luis Figo transfer to everything in between and after. Penarol and Nacional have seen everything from mass brawls (including in the preseason) to one team sneaking out of the locker room to several other meme-able moments. In the end, there’s just enough for a call, but maybe not the one you’d expect.

WINNER: URUGUAYAN CLASICO

COMBINED SUCCESS

With Real Madrid reaching 100 trophies this year and Barcelona not far behind, you’d think that El Clasico would have this category down. However, both Nacional and Penarol rank in the Top 5 all-time trophy list for club soccer, with more than 100 each.

WINNER: URUGUAYAN CLASICO

STAR POWER

With all due respect to the stars the Uruguayan Clasico can dish out — Diego Forlan, Luis Suarez, Elias Figueroa, Diego Godin, Cristian Rodriguez, Diego Lugano — El Clasico easily takes this category. It can also name Suarez, as well as the likes of Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo, to include just a few.

WINNER: EL CLASICO

FAN SHENANIGANS

Both (rather, all four) fan bases are at the top of their game here. Barcelona and Real Madrid fans have created some incredible atmospheres, sparked some intense violence, and played their part in some of club soccer’s most recognizable moments. Nacional and Penarol fans have certainly played their part, with their own shocking stretch of violence and even a dick-measuring contest that set multiple world records for world’s largest tifo. It’s a tough call, but I have to go with the one that has overall had the most impact on the rivalry itself.

WINNER: EL CLASICO

THE PEAK

Aside from individual moments of violence and other shenanigans, it’s tough to pick a peak for the Uruguayan Clasico. But even if we go with 1987-88 (when Nacional and Penarol won back-to-back Copa Libertadores titles), Barcelona and Madrid can equal that feat with consecutive UEFA Champions League titles from 2014-15… and 2016… and 2017… and 2018 (it’s mostly Madrid, but still). But not even this is considered the peak when it comes to El Clasico specifically — that was the 18-day stretch in 2011 that saw four Barcelona-Madrid matchups (a league battle, a Copa del Rey Final, and two legs of the Champions League semi-finals).

WINNER: EL CLASICO

CURRENT STATUS

Both of these rivalries are in healthy shape. While Penarol has taken a tiny step back, it hasn’t stopped them from winning trophies, with either them or Nacional winning every league title since 2014 (and having a relatively even record in the last ten matchups). Barcelona is still trying to figure things out in the post-Lionel Messi era, though they’ve since recovered from a shocking third place league finish in the league to win the most recent title. Madrid, meanwhile, cooled off this past season by not winning the UEFA Champions League. The two have also split their last four matchups. One rivalry is entering a new era and the other is in the middle of another stretch of dominance, but there’s realistically nothing to separate them here.

WINNER: EVEN

LEVEL OF HATRED

There is little to separate these two rivalries, as the four teams involved take part in some of the deepest hatred in all of sports. Madrid and Barcelona represent dueling sides of society, so naturally hatred springs forth on multiple levels. Penarol and Nacional have little apart from each other to get in the way of success, so naturally there’s plenty of hatred. In the end, it’s just tough for a rivalry from any other region to match the pure animosity and spite that sparks from South American rivalries — it’s too tough for the Spanish clubs as well.

WINNER: URUGUAYAN CLASICO

TOTAL: EL CLASICO WINS 7-5 

We begin the quarter-finals with a battle of iconic Clasicos. The Uruguayan Clasico proves just how great of a rivalry it is, giving its Spanish counterpart by far the toughest challenge it’s faced in this entire tournament. But in the end, El Clasico stands tall, as one of the World Cup of Hate favorites continues its march by clinching a berth in the semi-finals. 

SUPERCLASICO (ARGENTINA) VS. DERBY DELLA MADONNINA (ITALY)

LENGTH

The Derby della Madonnina gets the narrow victory here, having started just four years before the Superclasico got going and (when including unofficial results) tallying just a few dozen more matches over that stretch of time.

WINNER: DERBY DELLA MADONNINA

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

Both rivalries have a specific instance that caused the split between the two sides. When River moved to the affluent Nunez district of Buenos Aires, they became seen as a club for the rich, with Boca (still in the La Boca district) becoming the club of the people and the divide growing from there. Inter’s very existence (as well as that of the Derby della Madonnina) can be traced to a debate within Milan about signing foreign players, which caused a faction of the club to break away and form their rivals. Because this happened at the very beginning of the rivalry, it gives it the edge over the Superclasico.

WINNER: DERBY DELLA MADONNINA

COMPETITIVENESS

Each of these rivalries is extremely competitive, but one is slightly more difficult to calculate in terms of competitiveness. In official matches, Inter has a ten-win advantage over Milan, which has a ten-win advantage over draws. But in unofficial matches, Milan has a 12-win advantage over Inter, with the combined total giving Milan a mere two-match advantage over Inter (and putting draws in the rearview mirror). All of this contrasts Boca having just six more wins than River, which has just two more wins than draws. Again, we’re getting extremely nitpicky here, but to get the winner we have to be selective. To truly judge how competitive a rivalry is, we should look at the overall record when something’s on the line (points, titles, advancement) other than pride — in games when there’s a degree of pressure. So let’s throw out the unofficial matches, and go for the rivalry that’s more even when there’s more on the line.

WINNER: SUPERCLASICO

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

Both rivalries can fill a book with the amount of memorable moments they have seen. Boca and River and Inter and Milan have clashed many times and produced so many iconic moments, especially in games with something more than pride at stake. But when we line up all of those moments, it seems like the Superclasico has just a bit of an edge on the Derby della Madonnina all around.

WINNER: SUPERCLASICO

SHITHOUSERY

Both rivalries can fill a book with the amount of shithousery they have seen. Boca and River and Inter and Milan have clashed many times and produced so much iconic shithousery, especially in games with something more than pride at stake. But when we line up all of this shithousery, it just seems like the Superclasico has a bit of an edge on the Derby della Madonnina all around. Wait a minute…

WINNER: SUPERCLASICO

COMBINED SUCCESS

There’s no shortage of trophies here. Both Milan and Inter have won nearly 50 pieces of silverware each, with the former having a slight advantage. But both River and Boca are just below the uppermost eschalon when it comes to most trophies in the world — each club can boast having at least 70 (the latter having a few more).

WINNER: SUPERCLASICO

STAR POWER

Oh we’ve got a battle here — welcome to the best of Italy (besides Gianluigi Buffon and Francesco Totti) against the best of Argentina (outside of Lionel Messi and Sergio Aguero). Inter and Milan can bring out Paolo Maldini, Ronaldo, Andrea Pirlo, Javier Zanetti, Kaka, Samuel Eto’o, Ronaldinho, Wesley Sneijder, Marco van Basten, Lothar Matthaus, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, and the Baresi brothers, to name a few. Boca and River can counter with Diego Maradona, Alfredo Di Stefano, Carlos Tevez, Mario Kempes, Juan Roman Riquelme, Gabriel Batistuta, Hernan Crespo, Martin Palermo, Gonzalo Higuain, Hugo Gatti, and Angel Labruna. That is way too much talent for me to even attempt to find a difference.

WINNER: EVEN

FAN SHENANIGANS

Oh lord — no matter how great, passionate, influential, and low key hateful the Derby della Madonnina fans have been in their history, the fans in the Superclasico are even crazier, even more spiteful, even more violent, even louder, and even more impactful on their rivalry.

WINNER: SUPERCLASICO

THE PEAK

The Derby della Madonnina offers several impressive peaks, such as the pair of UEFA Champions League semi-final matchups, the Coppa Italia Final, and the flare game. But none of them can quite reach the peak of the Superclasico — the 2018 Copa Libertadores Finals.

WINNER: SUPERCLASICO

CURRENT STATUS

Both of these rivalries are in fine form right now. Boca and River are dominating their league, while Milan and Inter have won the two most recent titles in their league. The Italian clubs also met in the UEFA Champions League semi-finals this past season. Meanwhile, the most recent match between the Argentinian clubs was another one for the books, with seven combined red cards. This is one instance where I don’t feel the need to get that nitpicky.

WINNER: EVEN

LEVEL OF HATRED

Even if there wasn’t any confusion over the whole hatred amid a lack of fan violence, there was no way the Derby della Madonnina was going to get the points here. The Superclasico is in contention for most spiteful, vitriolic, hate-filled rivalries in all of sports.

WINNER: SUPERCLASICO

TOTAL: SUPERCLASICO WINS 9-4

The Derby della Madonnina is rightfully one of the greatest and most celebrated rivalries in all of sports. However, its run ends here, with the Superclasico walking away with a somewhat surprisingly convincing win and a trip to the semi-finals.

THE OLD FIRM (SCOTLAND) VS. PAULISTA DERBY (BRAZIL)

LENGTH

There have been nearly 400 instances of the Paulista Derby dating back to 1917, when Palmeiras and Corinthians first met. But even those impressive numbers pale in comparison to those of the Old Firm, with Celtic and Rangers facing off nearly 450 times since their first encounter in 1888.

WINNER: THE OLD FIRM

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

The Paulista Derby began with Palmeiras ending Corinthians’ 25-game unbeaten streak, but really got going in their third meeting, after Palmeiras players threw an ox bone at Corinthians players, who responded on the field. When trying to nail down the roots of the Old Firm, you kind of have to nail down everything. Over time, Rangers and Celtic have grown to symbolize opposing sides of seemingly every aspect of life, a process that didn’t begin too long after the two rivals first faced off.

WINNER: THE OLD FIRM

COMPETITIVENESS

Both of these rivalries are so competitive that it’s tough to not award both of them a point. But because this is pure math, someone has to win. Each rivalry has both teams narrowly apart in the win column but notably ahead when it comes to draws. But while Palmeiras needs at least one full set of fingers on one hand to count its win advantage over Corinthians, Rangers have gotten just four more wins than Celtic. It’s a slightly smaller margin over a slightly larger length of time, so it has to get the nod.

WINNER: THE OLD FIRM

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

Throughout the nearly 140-year history of the Old Firm, Celtic and Rangers have met for a variety of trophies and created some amazing moments, even without silverware on the line. The same can be said for Corinthians and Palmeiras, with the Paulista Derby having the most silverware involved out of any rivalry in Brazilian soccer. However, the former just does it a little bit better for a little bit longer.

WINNER: THE OLD FIRM

SHITHOUSERY

For as fantastic of an array of chaos the Paulista Derby is, few (if any) rivalries can hope to compete with the Old Firm in this category. No shame in defeat here.

WINNER: THE OLD FIRM

COMBINED SUCCESS

With Rangers and Celtic each in the Top 5 all-time worldwide when it comes to most trophies won by a soccer club, there were ever two rivalries that had a shot of keeping up with the Old Firm in this category. One of those just got eliminated, while the other is (as of now) still in the competition and can only challenge it in the World Cup of Hate Final. The Paulista Derby is neither the first nor second of those rivalries, although Corinthians and Palmeiras can at least proudly boast at least 50 trophies each.

WINNER: THE OLD FIRM

STAR POWER

Perhaps the only weakness of the Old Firm is this section — while Celtic and Rangers can claim some of the most storied names in Scottish and even British football as a whole, they don’t even have the biggest star power of rivalries from the U.K. by a long shot. Contrast that with the Paulista Derby — Rivellino, Roberto Carlos, Paulinho, Cafu, Socrates, and Rivaldo can all claim to have played for either Corinthians or Palmeiras.

WINNER: PAULISTA DERBY

FAN SHENANIGANS

Palmeiras and Corinthians have some of the best fan bases in South American soccer, known for traveling everywhere for the clubs and their own contributions to the Paulista Derby. But when it comes to fans, the Old Firm is on an entirely different level. Celtic and Rangers fans have not only had an unforgettable (both good and bad) impact on the rivalry, but all of Scottish soccer in general.

WINNER: THE OLD FIRM

THE PEAK

It’s tough to find a peak for the Old Firm — Rangers and Celtic have never faced off in European competition and both are so dominant in Scotland that the two have naturally faced off with a trophy on the line. But individual moments aside (even ones that draw comparisons to Apocalypse Now), when it comes to the ultimate peak of the rivalry, the Paulista Derby at the end of the 20th Century and the beginning of the 21st Century most certainly wins. You’d be hard pressed to beat a massive, bench-clearing brawl between Corinthians and Palmeiras sandwiched between two Copa Libertadores knockout stage matches that went to penalties.

WINNER: PAULISTA DERBY

CURRENT STATUS

As a whole, both rivalries are healthy, if not slightly one-sided. Palmeiras is arguably in its golden era, though Corinthians has gotten a few wins in recent years. Although Rangers won the most recent matchup, Celtic had a notable unbeaten streak before that and has captured the past two league championships. I’ll throw the former two a bone here.

WINNER: EVEN

LEVEL OF HATRED

Oh boy oh boy oh boy — how in the living fuck am I going to separate these two rivalries. The Paulista Derby has a genuine case to be the most hate-fueled rivalry in all of South America, if not the world. The Old Firm is known across the world for its hatred, which has roots across every aspect of life. I honestly hate to add to the pile of “close but not close enough” that the former rivalry has seen, but it has to be done again.

WINNER: THE OLD FIRM

TOTAL: THE OLD FIRM WINS 9-3

Although it lived up to expectations with its quarter-final appearance, the Paulista Derby meets its match here, interestingly losing to the same rivalry that the other Brazilian rivalry lost to by the exact same score. As for the Old Firm, another dominant display has it rightfully in the semi-finals, where an absolutely mouth-watering, earth-shattering battle for a spot in the final awaits.

INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY (TURKEY) VS. CAIRO DERBY (EGYPT)

LENGTH

Starting earlier and being contested way more often, the Intercontinental Derby began in 1909 and has seen nearly 400 matches. That’s compared to the Cairo Derby, eight years younger yet 150 matches less full.

WINNER: INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY

ROOTS OF THE RIVALRY

Turkish clubs can apparently hold a grudge, as a once-friendly relationship between Galatasaray and Fenerbahce (enough that they almost merged at one point) turned into the rivalry we know today when one match in 1934 turned into a riot. The hate hasn’t stopped flowing ever since. On the other hand, the roots of the Cairo Derby were planted pretty much right from the off, with Al Ahly and Zamalek representing opposite sides of society as soon as both clubs were founded.

WINNER: CAIRO DERBY

COMPETITIVENESS

Although Fenerbahce has a sizable advantage in wins over Galatasaray (which does have more wins than draws), the Intercontinental Derby has remained relatively even and competitive throughout the years. The same can’t be said for the Cairo Derby. I’ve explained why Zamalek’s huge deficit to Al Ahly when it comes to wins (and notable gap beneath total draws) aren’t necessarily the worst thing in the world. However, the numbers don’t lie.

WINNER: INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY

MEMORABLE MOMENTS

Given that both rivalries involve the two most successful clubs in their respective countries, each has seen plenty of high-stakes moments, to go along with the fun, batshit crazy ones. While more overall lack of competition in Egypt gives Al Ahly and Zamalek more chances to play for something worthwhile, Fenerbahce and Galatasaray have still combined to produce plenty of magic on the field. However, more moments in international competition (especially one we’ll talk about in a minute) give the Egyptians the win.

WINNER: CAIRO DERBY

SHITHOUSERY

Damn, we’ve got plenty of shithousery to work with here. Both rivalries have seen violence, pettiness, and outright surprising and crazy bullshit throughout their lengthy histories. Ultimately, despite literally taking part in different continents, the Intercontinental Derby hasn’t seen as much political, socio-economic, or other off-field bullshit as the Cairo Derby.

WINNER: CAIRO DERBY

COMBINED SUCCESS

Galatasaray and Fenerbahce are two of the most successful clubs in Eastern Europe, each claiming more than 30 current trophies (nearly 60 when it comes to the former club) and more than 70 trophies if we count defunct competitions. Incredibly, that’s not enough to capture this section. Zamalek alone can boast more than 50 current trophies and more than 75 if defunct titles are allowed. But given that Al Ahly is the most successful soccer club in the world, we don’t even need to count their trophy total to give the points here.

WINNER: CAIRO DERBY

STAR POWER

Apart from the competitive standpoint, this was always going to be the only weakness for the Cairo Derby. With all due respect to the Egyptian/African soccer players involved in that rivalry, the Intercontinental Derby (Didier Drogba, Robin Van Persie, Wesley Sneijder, Diego Lugano, Radamel Falcao, Dirk Kuyt) easily wins here.

WINNER: INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY

FAN SHENANIGANS

Both of these fan bases are molten hot, especially in derby matches. Al Ahly, Zamalek, Galatasaray, and Fenerbahce fans do their part to create intense, fiery, flashy, unforgettable atmospheres that are among the best in all of soccer. Ultimately though, there is one rivalry whose fans have had a larger impact on it as a whole.

WINNER: CAIRO DERBY

THE PEAK

Although the Intercontinental Derby has plenty of memorable moments and many candidates to be the peak, none of them can compare to the Cairo Derby’s ultimate height of the 2020 CAF Champions League Final — an all-Cairo affair.

WINNER: CAIRO DERBY

CURRENT STATUS

Both rivalries have a lot to talk about here. While Zamalek has gotten a few wins (and trophies) in recent years, Al Ahly has definitely had the lion’s share of success, both within the rivalry and beyond. While Galatasaray and Fenerbahce haven’t won as many trophies as the other two (but have still placed high and league play), their matches against each other are more competitive, with the clubs splitting the last four games. Ultimately, that’s what counts the most here.

WINNER: INTERCONTINENTAL DERBY

LEVEL OF HATRED

Holy shit, how the fuck am I supposed to pick a winner here? Seriously? Both of these clubs (and their fans) would rather literally die than see their rivals have success. I can’t do it.

WINNER: EVEN

TOTAL: CAIRO DERBY WINS 7-5

Going into the competition, the Intercontinental Derby was seen as a potential dark horse contender to win the whole thing. It came quite close, narrowly falling in the quarter-finals to a tournament favorite. But in the end, the Cairo Derby carries the non-European/South American flag on its back all the way to the semi-finals.

With that, we’re down to the final four — the four best, most heated sports rivalries on the planet. If you thought we were nitpicky now, we’re going to have to go even further to separate the last handful of remaining rivalries and crown a champion. Just two rounds left — let’s take care of them at once, shall we?

COMING UP IN PART 16: Finally, the end — which rivalry will be crowned the winner of the World Cup of Hate?