Ruben's Writings

We’ll get to the football and funny business in a minute. But first…

Nothing about Tim Wakefield’s career should have worked, yet it did beautifully. Born in Melbourne, FL in 1996, Wakefield rose up the baseball ranks as a power-hitting first baseman at Florida Tech, where he set the single-season and career home run records (and later had his number retired). He became the first ever Florida Tech Panther taken in the MLB Draft, being selected in the eighth round in 1988 by the Pittsburgh Pirates. However, a scout told him that he had neither the skills nor power to get above Double-A. Faced with the prospect of being a career minor leaguer at best, Wakefield instead chose an option out of left field — rather, the mound. He decided to transition to pitching and develop a knuckleball. Incredibly, it worked out, as he began dominating the minors and began 1992 in Triple-A. At the end of July, Wakefield was called up by the Pirates to start against the St. Louis Cardinals. No matter what happened after that, Wakefield’s career was already a success, having gone from an eighth round first baseman to a major league-caliber pitcher. All he did in his MLB debut was throw a 146-pitch complete game (striking out ten batters) to help Pittsburgh to a 3-2 win.

Wakefield went 8-1 with a 2.15 ERA for a Pirates squad that reached the playoffs. In the NCLS, Wakefield won both of his starts (against Tom Glavine, no less), throwing two complete games just four days apart. He might’ve added to the incredible start to his career had Pittsburgh not blown a 2-0 lead in the 9th inning of Game 7 to the Atlanta Braves. Wakefield’s 1993 season did not go well and he spent most of 1994 in Triple-A. The Pirates released him in 1995, though he only had to wait six days to be picked up by the Boston Red Sox. Wakefield went 14-1 in his first 17 starts (six of which were complete games), as Boston won the AL East and he won AL Comeback Player of the Year (and finished third in AL Cy Young voting). Over the next several years, Wakefield would have up-and-down success on the field (including a stretch as the Red Sox’s closer in 1999). But perhaps most importantly became a major locker room presence, winning the respect of everyone by being an incredible teammate and doing whatever was needed for the club to succeed. Wakefield also began his tremendous off-field work in Boston, the full span of which we’ll get to soon.

It was these positive factors that helped Wakefield during arguably the most infamous moment of his career. In Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS, Wakefield gave up an 11th inning walk-off home run to current illustrious yankee manager Aaron Boone, officially ticking Boston’s World Series drought up to 86 years. Not a single one of Wakefield’s teammates placed any blame on the Red Sox’s defeat on Wakefield, who took full responsibility despite retiring the side in order the prior inning and shouldn’t have even been needed had Grady “I make Josh McDaniels look like Vince Lombardi” Little not kept Pedro Martinez in for the 8th inning. One year later, as the Red Sox were getting hammered by their rivals in Game 3 of the ALCS, Wakefield (who was scheduled to start Game 4) asked to be put in the game to save other pitchers for the next game. This proved to be the correct decision, as Boston would win the next four games against the yankees (becoming the first and as of this writing only MLB team to win a seven-game series after losing the first three games) en route to snapping that drought and winning the World Series. Of note, Wakefield threw three shutout extra innings (and got the win) in Game 5 of the ALCS and started Game 1 of the World Series. Without Wakefield, the Red Sox don’t win that title.

For the next seven years, Wakefield continued to be an essential part of the Red Sox locker room, adding another title in 2007 despite being left off the World Series roster due to an injured shoulder. In 2009, Wakefield became an All-Star for the first time, becoming the second-oldest first-time All-Star in MLB history (behind only Satchel Paige). Although his statistics weren’t always the best, the leadership and selfless factors, as well as the fact that knuckleballs put significantly less strain on the arm than other pitches, kept Wakefield in the majors until he was 45. His last season was documented in the 2012 film Knuckleball! (which I highly recommend). Wakefield left the game with 200 career wins, 186 of them with the Red Sox (third-most in franchise history). He remains Boston’s all-time leader in innings pitched (3,006), is one of just two players to record 2,000 strikeouts in Boston, and is the oldest player ever to appear for the Red Sox. He also once struck out four batters in an inning. All of this, by a knuckleball pitcher who was drafted as a first baseman. Like I said, no part of Wakefield’s career makes sense.

Even considering all of that, Wakefield’s tenure in Boston might be remembered more for his off-field activities (and not just because he became a NESN studio analyst, a role which he served through this season). Wakefield was widely known for being one of the most charitable players in MLB during his time. He worked with everyone from the Franciscan Hospital for Children and Pitching In for Kids to the Space Coast Early Intervention Center and the Touch ‘Em All Foundation. In addition to hosting an annual celebrity golf tournament for nearly two decades (raising money for charity along the way), Wakefield also started his own wine, CaberKnuckle, with 100% of the proceeds being donated to charity. It’s no surprise then that Wakefield was nominated by the Red Sox for MLB’s Roberto Clemente Award a whopping eight times, winning it in 2010. In 2013, he was also named an honorary chairman of the Red Sox Foundation. It’s not exactly shocking that Wakefield was also well-liked by pretty much everyone he came across.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t care how good of a person you are. One week ago, it was revealed to the world (without Wakefield’s blessing) that he had brain cancer (and his wife had pancreatic cancer). Just three days later, Wakefield died at the age of 57. After having one of baseball’s longest and most unique careers, one of its best ever human beings was taken far too soon. Just listen to how former teammates and fans alike are remembering him. Wakefield was never one of my favorite Red Sox players, but I and everyone in Boston loved him. While he wasn’t a HOFer, he deserves to have his number retired by the team sometime soon. Wakefield was truly one of the best people to ever put on a Red Sox uniform. 

RIP Tim Wakefield. Fuck cancer and double fuck Curt Schilling.

Anyway, now for fun and football…

Well, when I say “fun,” I’m not exactly sure how much fun I’ve had watching football this season. Over the past five or so years, in addition to the Raiders sucking, I’ve had to endure the rise of the Kansas City Chiefs. As a result of their recent on-field success, the Chiefs have been everywhere in NFL marketing, in particular commercials. The next time you watch a game, pay attention to commercials — I’m willing to bet there are more that include a member of the Chiefs than those that don’t. The vast majority of them feature Pat Mahomes, who in between being the best QB of his generation, getting all of the favorable calls (just ask Jets fans), and getting blown by every talking head in the media has seemingly been unable to turn down a sponsorship or endorsement. That was bad enough (especially when Andy Reid started to get involved). But this past year we’ve seen the rise of Travis Kelce in the media. While I can at least respect Mahomes for being an overall good guy in addition to his talent (and in spite of his brother and wife), I’ve made clear how big of an asshole I believe Kelce is. I genuinely don’t like the guy and I believe he’s a prime example of everyone loving a jock because he’s really good at sports and in spite of the fact that he’s a dick and talks way too much shit. I don’t care if you can back it up — at some point, just shut the fuck up. 

So things were already bad. Then they got worse when Kelce started allegedly dating Taylor fucking Swift of all people. Ever since the two apparently became an item, the NFL and surrounding media have been unable to talk about anything else. The NFL is changing its Instagram bio to “the Chiefs are 2-0 as Swifties.” Every single Chiefs game has become unwatchable, especially since Swift has started attending them. Even Kelce himself has said the coverage has become too much. But of course I’m in the minority, because NFL ratings (especially Chiefs games) have spiked since Swift and Kelce became a reported item. Without getting into the whole discussion of whether or not they actually like each other or if they’re just doing this to improve their brands, there are a lot more eyeballs on the NFL and the league is pouncing on the opportunity to cater to a new audience. While it makes perfect business sense, it’s kind of fucking annoying for NFL fans. It also ensures that Kansas City will win the Super Bowl. Look at how popular the Chiefs are and combine that with the fact that they’re one of the best teams in the league and are the favorite among Swifties and referees. There’s no way that the NFL won’t rig it to put Taylor Swift’s team in the Super Bowl? That will shatter every single viewership record known to mankind. That being said, I still view this as the NFL opening pandora’s box — Swifties are fucking crazy (trust me, I’ve worked with several).

The worst part of all of this is that I can’t escape it. I work for the media and my industry is taking every chance it can to jump on the Swift-Kelce bandwagon. I’m being actively encouraged to run Swift-related stories in my show. I had to explain to my anchors what “seemingly ranch” meant, which I only knew because my Swiftie coworkers explained it to me. What’s worse, my deskmate seated directly in front of me is from Kansas City and is a huge Chiefs fan. She’s also much more into pop culture than I am and is thriving in this current football climate (it doesn’t help that she’s also currently in first place in our FOX40 fantasy football league). I can’t get away from Swift and Kelce at work and I can’t relax and watch sports (football in particular) without some kind of reference. It feels like Hell sometimes.

However, instead of just burning in the heat, I’m fighting back. While I can’t use my favorite football team as leverage, I can use something else I love: puns. You’d be stunned at the amount of newsroom-wide conversations I’ve ended within a few sentences (both accidentally and on purpose) just by cracking a few puns based on the topic being discussed. I’ve created a certain image in the newsroom, both as our best producer and as the best/worst user of puns. Lately, I’ve just Googled “Taylor Swift Songs” and riffed off some puns based on the answers I get. But while this has worked, it’s also filled me with so much useless knowledge and puns. I need an outlet. 

Wait a minute…

I’m genuinely sorry for what I’m about to do. I’m dragging you all to Hell with me. I have to get it all out. Starting with the next sentence, I will attempt to include as many Taylor Swift puns in this newsletter as physically possible. Blame the NFL and my coworkers — every day when I make these puns, I tell them, Look What You Made Me Do. 

Let’s see exactly how many references I can make across this entire newsletter. Knowing me, the answer might just be 1989 (probably not, but I’ll come close).

The question is… are you… Ready For It?

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

C’MON CHARBIE LET’S GO PARTY (4-0) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-1)

119.46 – 107.16

It’s pretty rare for a Top 2 clash to finish with both teams still ranked 1st and 2nd so early into the season. But C’Mon Charbie Let’s Go Party and Footballdamus managed to pull it off. For the second time in as many seasons, Nick is off to a flying start, sitting atop the scoring list as the only unbeaten team left. As a whole, his lineup wasn’t that impressive — Jaylen Waddle, Jerry Jeudy, and Jahmyr Gibbs were unspectacular. But then we have Stefon Diggs (who dropped a 30-burger) and the Cowboys defense (27 points). Throw in a solid effort from Matt Stafford (17 points) and Nick was sitting pretty. But Riaz wasn’t going down without a fight. Justin Herbert (24 points), Derrick Henry (23 points), and the Ravens defense (17 points) put up their own mighty efforts. However, Younghoe Koo and Raheem Mostert were woeful, with the latter seeing a huge drop in production compared to his backup. While it was a solid effort, Riaz lost for the first time. Time will tell if Riaz can Shake it Off and keep his strong start going.

ALREADY INVESTED $$ (2-2) DEF. HOG WILD (2-2)

114.76 – 83.18

As we know All Too Well, Hog Wild is only going as far as the Dolphins go. But Jimmy seemingly cut his dependence on the Dolphins by swapping out Miami’s defense for that of Pittsburgh. Unfortunately for him, the Steelers got smacked to the negative dimension. Also unfortunately, while Tua Tagovailoa and Tyreek Hill had average days, someone else gobbled up Miami’s points. That would be De’Von Achane (24 points), who just happened to be in Already Invested $$’s lineup. Emilio’s roster as a whole was pretty much boom or bust, with Jalen Hurts (24 points) and Puka Nacua (23 points) also doing work but Pat Freiermuth and Elijah Moore each putting up a goose egg. Fortunately for Emilio, there was more boom than bust, which wasn’t the case for Jimmy. While D.J. Moore (19 points) and Jake Elliott (18 points) did their jobs, Javonte Williams went scoreless, while Dallas Goedert and Divine Deablo didn’t do much better. What Jimmy didn’t realize is that while he has a bunch of Dolphins in his lineup, Emilio is actually a Dolphins fan.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (2-2) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (1-3)

124.74 – 114.82

I hope this newsletter doesn’t spark any Bad Blood between Ewing and I, even though if we’re being honest he’s a fucking scrub for losing to me and my IR-packed squad. Anyway, it seems clear that Three Eyed Ravens’ title defense is off to a shaky start, with this latest loss being particularly painful (not as bad as the first one, but still). That’s because the Krispy Kritters were led by Lamar Jackson (28 points), Ewing’s real life QB. Throw in Justin Jefferson (20 points), Brandon Aiyuk (14 points), D’Andre Swift (13 points), and the Buccaneers defense (13 points), and Richard had a formidable lineup. But even so, Ewing was in position to get the victory after David Montgomery (32 points) and Mark Andrews (29 points) went off. However, Pat Mahomes (15 points) had a shockingly pedestrian day and Deebo Samuel put up a surprising goose egg. As Richard continues his quest to make everyone else drink Modelo (he’s already 1/4 of the way there), Ewing’s bad luck continues. So far, his season is starting to get a certain Reputation. 

IT MEANS MOORE (3-1) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (1-3)

107.10 – 92.50

The good news for Sleeping Giants: Josh Jacobs (19 points) had his best game yet and five of their roster spots produced double-digit point totals. The bad news? George Kittle didn’t do shit and the Rams-Colts game existed. Make no mistake, It Means Moore didn’t exactly light up the scoreboard as well. In fact, only two of Kyle’s roster spots reached double-digits. However, those two players were Kyren Williams (24 points) and Anthony Richardson (29 points) who benefited from the first and second halves (respectively) of the Los Angeles-Indianapolis contest. Those two performances carried Kyle to another win in a surprisingly lucky start to the season (more on that later). As for Dad, it’s another example of a consistent struggle to score (so that’s where I get it from!). The only reason Dad’s offensive woes aren’t more talked about is simply because my team is worse. But at least I have the excuse of half of my team being dead. What’s Dad’s excuse? Make no question about it, Dad — You Belong With Me at the bottom of the standings.

QUEEN’S GAMBIT (2-2) DEF. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (1-3)

109.70 – 95.68

Let’s check in on our newest league member! An average record yet still in the playoff hunt? Not bad, but not good, either. A better record than her husband? Excellent! I’d say Don’t Blame Me for that last part, but I did contribute to Ewing’s loss column. As for Queen’s Gambit’s latest result, Ewing has to be hating life right now. If he had taken Pat Mahomes instead of Josh Allen (36 points), he would’ve won and Aly would’ve lost. What’s more, Isiah Pacheco (21 points) was taken right from beneath Ewing’s nose. It’s all for Aly’s gain, as goose eggs from Jordan Addison and Hayden Hurst didn’t matter in the end. That’s also because Channel 4 News Team had a pair of goose eggs of their own (Chris Olave and Luke Musgrave), not to mention a meager effort from T.J. Watt. A.J. Brown (29 points) wasn’t enough to close the gap, although another player on Arik’s bench could have helped with that (more on that later). While Arik’s rough start to the season continues, Aly takes another step forward ahead of an important Week 5 matchup.

KIDNEY STONE & WOOD (1-3) DEF. WELL DAMN (2-2)

114.16 – 83.64

Oh, Well Damn — I Knew You Were Trouble when I saw you on the schedule. Sure, Chriss has a solid team and decidedly beat me. But my feelings were largely based on the fact that the vast majority of Kidney Stone & Wood’s best players have either been dead or held against their will for the start of the season. Cooper Kupp and Jonathan Taylor have been missing in action all year, while Diontae Johnson has been out since Week 1. I did get a solid return from Christian Watson, plus Justin Fields finally played a nice game (it just had to take him facing the second-worst team in the NFL). But Aaron Jones did basically nothing in his own return, leaving me once again bringing a plastic knife to a fight against Chriss, who brought out a machine gun in the form of Christian McCaffrey (41 points). That’s half my point total alone. Throw in two 14-point efforts from Tyler Bass and the Rams defense, and I didn’t have a chance. While Chriss keeps pace by moving to .500, I’m left desperately hoping for Taylor and Kupp to finally make their debuts.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. C’mon Charbie Let’s Go Party  (4-0)
2. Footballdamus (3-1)
3. It Means Moore (3-1)
4. Already Invested $$ (2-2)
5. Well Damn (2-2)
6. The Krispy Kritters (2-2)
7. Hog Wild (2-2)
8. Queen’s Gambit (2-2)
9. Three Eyed Ravens (1-3)
10. Channel 4 News Team (1-3)
11. Sleeping Giants (1-3)
12. Kidney Stone & Wood (1-3)

HUNT FOR THE HELMET:

1. C’mon Charbie Let’s Go Party (483.02)
2. Footballdamus (474.18)
3. Already Invested $$ (460.36)
4. Well Damn (458.88)
5. The Krispy Kritters (448.36)
6. Three Eyed Ravens (413.44)
7. Hog Wild (407.44)
8. Queen’s Gambit (402.42)
9. Channel 4 News Team (386.72)
10. It Means Moore (371.06)
11. Sleeping Giants (352.78)
12. Kidney Stone & Wood (304.58)

DRINK PUNISHMENT TRACKER:

1. Jimmy (119.44) –> Aly (55.84) & Ewing (86.14)* [Shot of Fireball]
2. Chriss (1466.66) –> Ruben (51.25) [Voodoo Ranger Imperial IPA]
3. Richard (143.68) & Emilio (143.28)** –> Kyle (74.96) [Modelo Especial] and Ruben (74.36) [805]**
4. Richard (124.74) –> Ruben (83.64) & Jimmy (83.18) [Modelo Especial]***

* Ewing voluntarily took a shot in shame after losing to Ruben

** Each pair — Richard and Emilio as well as Kyle and Ruben) — was separated by less than a point, so two drink choosers and drinkers were selected. Richard and Emilio each made a selection, while Kyle got to pick which drink to consume

*** Ruben and Jimmy finished within a point of each other, so both had to drink

So far, no Champagne Problems…

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: While Nick sits in first place with his patented Jump Then Fall (by losing ten games in a row) strategy, Riaz is sitting just behind him in second. That’s “Current Holder of the Jop” Riaz. His squad has performed well every week and seems like a genuine contender. If Riaz can pull off a “worst to first” run this season, it will be the greatest success story in league history.

WORST: Dad, Aly, and Kyle have three of the five lowest-scoring teams in the league. Part of the reason is that they each have at least one Bengals offensive star (Joe Burrow, Joe Mixon, Tee Higgins, Ja’Marr Chase). Cincinnati has to be the most disappointing team in the NFL this year, with their shockingly anemic offense. For those managers, at least It’s Nice to Have a Friend?

TRANSACTION

BEST: I don’t care whether you’re Mike McDaniel, Bill Barnwell, Mina Kimes, or Tim McGraw — no one could have foreseen just how well De’Von Achane has done in the past two games (AKA ever since Emilio picked him up). A 47-point outburst in Week 3 was followed by a 24-point effort this past weekend. On a related note, Emilio won his last two games. A 10-3 finish is inevitable.

WORST: While this technically isn’t a transaction, my drafting of Cooper Kupp and Jonathan Taylor will go down in history as a legendarily terrible call. It’s also forced me into a series of transactions in which I try to scrape the bottom of the barrel for starters every week, with few (if any) making a big impact. Looking back on draft day, I Should’ve Said No to Kupp and Taylor.

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: Although the Bills left them in a Lavender Haze this past weekend, the Dolphins have been one of the NFL’s best teams overall this season. That’s good news for Jimmy, who put a lot of his chips into Miami’s success with Tua Tagovailoa and Tyreek Hill (as well as his since-discarded Dolphins defense). Now if only the rest of Jimmy’s lineup could be as consistent.

WORST: When it comes to whether Arik Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve started Nico Collins over Chris Olave, the answers (in order) are no, yes, and definitely yes. While Olave put up a goose egg, Collins put up 28 points, all of which were wasted on Arik’s bench. They would’ve turned a 14-point loss into a 14-point win, if only Arik was gifted with the power of perfect foresight.

LUCK

BEST: There are a few people who can claim to be The Lucky One of the league, but Kyle stands out above the rest. Despite being in the bottom third in terms of points scored, his team is one of just three with a winning record. Two of his wins came against the bottom two teams in the standings, while the third was by fewer than ten points. Let’s see if his good luck can continue.

WORST: Yes, I Did Something Bad in drafting Jonathan Taylor and Cooper Kupp, given their situations. But come the fuck on — not only them, but also Aaron Jones, Christian Watson, and Diontae Johnson out for multiple weeks? That’s my entire starting RB and WR corps missing in action. Although it’s still early, I’ve dug myself a massive hole, one I may not be able to escape.

MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT

I know it’s a little early to bring in the doom and gloom. Las Vegas is 1-3 and games against the Patriots, Bears, Giants, Jets, Vikings, and Broncos remain. A 7-10 season should be the worst case scenario. But I straight up have no faith in this squad. The one win was by one point against the second-worst team in the NFL (who missed an extra point). The losses have been an ass-whooping by an actually good team, a prime time loss where our coach proved he couldn’t count, and that same coach proving he’s slightly worse than a coach who loves terrible 4th down calls like a termite loves a Christmas Tree Farm. Now the Raiders are back on prime time, this time against a young QB with a rested and recovered offense with something to prove. 

Meanwhile, our offense is about as offensive as All of the Girls You Loved Before. Jimmy G has (shockingly) gotten hurt and the great hope that was Aidan “Rod Farva” O’Connell looked like, well, a rookie 4th round QB behind that shitty offensive line and against a pissed off Khalil Mack. But at least AOC managed to rush for a TD before Josh Jacobs did. Where in the holy mother of fuck is the running game that was literally the best in the NFL last year? While the aforementioned o-line isn’t helping, Jacobs is proving he wasn’t worth that big contract he wanted and (unsuccessfully) held out for. But at least Jacobs has seen some sort of action, unlike Hunter Renfrow or any TEs on the roster. No, apart from Davante Adams and Jakobi Meyers, literally no one else has done anything on offense. Perhaps that’s why the Raiders haven’t even cracked 20 points in a single game so far. If the offense can’t score, it’s up to the defense to get it done. When I say defense, I basically mean Maxx Crosby and ten other dudes. Marcus Peters is past his prime yet somehow the Raiders’ best DB (apart from when Nate Hobbs and Trevon Moehrig occasionally do work). Tyree Wilson’s start to his pro career has been slower than his getup. Then of course, one of last year’s defensive leaders has literally gone crazy to the point where he’s been released (I seriously hope Chandler Jones gets the help he needs). Still, at least we’re not the only AFC West team to get rid of a defensive star they paid a lot of money to last year.

While 100% of the blame can’t be placed squarely on the head coach’s shoulders, Josh McDaniels has got to go. At the end of the day, it’s his responsibility to see the team improve. Instead, the Raiders have gotten worse at literally every facet of the game, despite him inheriting a playoff team that added Davante fucking Adams right after he got hired. From questionable offensive play-calling to strategic decisions that would be out of place in Connect 4 to refusing to take blame and instead throwing players under the bus. I Think He Knows how bad he’s doing, but he also knows that Mark Davis isn’t gonna do shit until probably after next season (apart from telling fans to “smarten up,” apparently).

With Castles Crumbling all around, all we can do is watch and wait. And maybe hope for Caleb Williams.

STATS OF THE MONTH

As a Raiders fan, whenever I think things can’t get worse, I look to the Chicago Bears. Not only have they failed to defeat the Denver Broncos, but Elon Musk has yet to see a Bears win being discussed on his platform. Bad coaching, bad defense, bad QB play, and bad management make for an awful team. For a season that began with so much hope, the fact that things have come crashing down so hard before even 25% of games have even been played is simply astonishing. I’d be more mad about the fact that they let the Broncos win, but this keeps Denver further away from Caleb Williams, who I’m pretty sure can’t fix the Bears alone. A lot of people in Chicago want to move away from Justin Fields, but I’m not there yet (and not just because he’s on my fantasy team). Josh Allen was still thought of as bad until his third season and he was with a much more respectable franchise than Fields. I can’t wait for the Bears to continue to suck until they beat the Raiders in Week 7. Tell Me Why you all know it’s gonna happen.

Speaking of the team that gave up 70 points, did you know that the Denver Broncos gave up 70 points to the Miami Dolphins? Apart from the first Raiders game of the season (which also happened to see the Broncos lose) this was my favorite game so far in 2023. Not only do I love seeing the Broncos and that smug motherfucker Sean Payton suffer, but this game was somehow even more lopsided than the game that gave us the famous Darren McFadden meme. This is just the fourth time any NFL team has given up 70 points and the first in nearly 60 years. The fact that every single point Miami scored came from its offense (which set a record for yards gained) makes Denver’s defensive performance the worst ever. Hell, the Dolphins showed mercy and turned down the change to score even more points. How the hell does Vance Joseph still have a job at this point? I wouldn’t Tolerate It if I was in Denver. Strike that — I hope the Broncos give him a lifetime contract. Incredibly though, there’s one fan base that may feel even worse than those in either Chicago or Denver. 

I could’ve chosen several different stats for the Giants, such as the one that shows their loss to the Cowboys combined a horrible season into one game, the fact that New York has been outscored 64-3 at home so far, or the fact that they have the worst point differential (-76) in the NFL (even worse than both winless teams and the team that gave up 70 points in one game). But I picked this one because it’s about Daniel Jones, which is fitting. Jones is neither the sole problem for the Giants nor their biggest, especially considering the absence of an offensive line and defense, as well as Saquon Barkley’s injury issues and general lack of receiving talent. However, when you sign a four-year, $160M contract in the offseason, you get the spotlight put on you when your team doesn’t do well (just ask Joe Burrow). What the Giants need is time to rest up, heal, and get everything together. Good thing their next two games are against the… Bills and Dolphins… on the road. Just wait until Week 9, when New York comes to Las Vegas. I just realized the Raiders play the Giants and Jets back-to-back at home. If they lose any of those games Josh McDaniels needs to be abandoned in the Nevada desert. Throw Mark Davis in there with him — they can be Tied Together with a Smile.

Do my eyes deceive me? Do the Texans have a good QB again? Does Houston have actual hope for the future? You’re Losing Me, here. It’s early, but C.J. Stroud might be the real deal. Even better, Ohio State may finally have the QB that puts them in the All-Time Alumni playoff whenever I eventually revisit that particular pandemic experiment.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 DEVASTATING, DERAILING, IMPACTFUL QB INJURIES

Welcome to New York, Mr. Rodgers! That’ll be four snaps and a ruptured Achilles!

This has to be the most New York Jets thing that has ever happened. A franchise that’s gone more than 50 years without a Super Bowl title and has become a punching bag for the rest of the league has seemingly put almost everything together. The Jets have an amazing defense, a solid head coach, and young studs in offensive skill positions. But they lacked a QB, with their No. 2 overall pick, Zach Wilson, preferring to bang MILFs and throw INTs than develop into a quality player. That position was seemingly the one thing preventing them from greatness. But then, incredibly, they trade for not just a good QB, but a future HOFer in Aaron Rodgers. Suddenly, New York was a championship contender, with Rodgers and other big names flocking to New York to make a run at the Lombardi Trophy. For the first time in over a decade, the Jets were good again. To make things even better, Rodgers would make his Jets debut on September 11, carrying out the American flag as he ran onto the MetLife Stadium field. If This Was a Movie, it would be panned for being too unrealistic.

But just four plays into his Jets career, Rodgers (and the rest of New York), learned that the team had a second weakness: offensive line. Rodgers ruptured his Achilles while being sacked, ending his season much, much earlier than anyone could have predicted. Hell, given his age and the severity of the injury, Rodgers may not ever play again (I bet he does, though). Now, unless Wilson (or Trevor Siemian) suddenly gets much, much better, it appears like the Jets will once again be left with a massive “what if?” and end up a QB short of a competitive team. For Jets fans, all of that hype and hope that came in the preseason must now feel like a Cruel Summer. Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time an NFL team has seen a potential great season ruined by an untimely injury to a QB. Whether it be early in the year or at the end of a promising regular season, these kinds of injuries have broken contenders and left careers in doubt. Let’s look back at the most devastating examples.

There will be some Sad Beautiful Tragic injuries that don’t make the list, such as those of Trent Green and Drew Bledsoe. However, those teams didn’t exactly suffer, because their replacements (Kurt Warner and Tom Brady, respectively) ended up leading them to a Super Bowl win. Speaking of Brady, his 2008 ACL tear doesn’t make the list, even though the Patriots didn’t make the playoffs. That’s because New England went 11-5 and Brady returned to play a few more successful seasons. Carson Wentz’s 2017 ACL tear also doesn’t make it, due to Nick Foles leading the Philadelphia Eagles to a Super Bowl LII victory. Again, this list is just QBs, or else Ki-Jana Carter would have made it. But don’t worry, Cincinnati Bengals players still feature prominently.

HONORABLE MENTION: MATT SCHAUB

The 2011 Texans may be the best team in franchise history. With a rookie J.J. Watt and the offense leaving opponents Breathless, Houston jumped out to a 7-3 record. But Matt Schaub suffered a Lisfranc injury and missed the rest of the season. Though the Texans reached the Divisional Round under T.J. Yates, they narrowly lost to the Baltimore Ravens (who narrowly lost to the New England Patriots, who narrowly lost to the New York Giants). While the Texans went just as far the following year, looking back, 2011 was their best shot at a deep run.

HONORABLE MENTION: DAN MARINO

After reaching the 1992 AFC title game, the Dolphins were favored to return in 1993, if not make the Super Bowl. But in Week 5, Dan Marino ruptured his Achilles’ tendon and was lost for the season. While Marino would play for six more years and make the playoffs five more times, the Dolphins would never get close to the title game. One of Marino’s most underrated abilities was his mobility, which helped him avoid big hits. While his Timeless arm could still lead Miami to the playoffs, Marino had a ceiling due to his now-limited mobility and just wasn’t the same again.

HONORABLE MENTION: TEDDY BRIDGEWATER

While the Vikings weren’t quite Super Bowl contenders in 2016, they were a playoff team and had finally found stability at QB in Teddy Bridgewater, basically Mr. Perfectly Fine. But just before the season, Bridgewater suffered arguably the worst non-contact injury in football history, with his knee explosion sparking fears of his leg needing to be amputated. Bridgewater did make a comeback and is still playing, but not in Minnesota. While the Vikings have still seen playoff success, a healthy Bridgewater likely means no massive contract for Kirk Cousins. 

HONORABLE MENTION: JOE THEISMANN/ALEX SMITH

Although Washington still did okay in 1985 (and won the Super Bowl two years later) and wasn’t a playoff contender in 2018, the devastating injuries suffered by Joe Theismann and Alex Smith 33 years apart cannot be ignored (the fact they happened on the same day seems like a Glitch). Both QBs had their legs snapped in half while being sacked. Theismann’s injury ended his career, forcing Washington to find a new future signal caller (which they did spectacularly well in Doug Williams). Smith’s injury nearly ended his life, but he was able to play again (albeit briefly).

10. VINNY TESTAVERDE

Aaron Rodgers is not the first Jets QB to rupture his Achilles tendon near Coney Island in Week 1. In 1999, New York also had Super Bowl aspirations, having reached the AFC title game the year before thanks in part to arguably the best season of Vinny Testaverde’s eventual 21-year career. But things went terribly wrong to end the 20th century, with Jets owner Leon Hess dying before the start of the season. Then Week 1 happened — Testaverde went down early against the Patriots and missed the rest of the season. While the Jets nearly beat New England in a game that was fucking crazy, they stumbled to a 1-6 start and only a late rally from Ray Lucas kept them at .500 to end the year. Testaverde would return the following year and the Jets were still playoff contenders, but he would later be replaced by Chad Pennington. Interestingly, the 1999 season would end with Bill Parcells stepping down and being replaced by Bill Belichick, only for him to bolt to New England. Would a healthy Testaverde have changed that?

9. CAM NEWTON

After a 2017 season in which the Panthers made the playoffs, Cam Newton was his usual strong self in 2018, leading an explosive offense that carried Carolina to a 6-2 record. But a Week 10 matchup in Pittsburgh changed everything. The Steelers brutalized the Panthers, with T.J. Watt laying a huge (and technically illegal) hit on Newton that saw his helmet ram into his shoulder. That would kick off a seven-game losing streak, with Newton looking progressively worse each week. Newton later revealed that his shoulder had been hurt ever since Week 10 and he eventually needed surgery in the off-season. However, it appeared that most of his explosiveness and shoulder strength was gone, rendering him a shell of himself. After another injury ended his 2019 season early, Newton was released by the Panthers in 2020 and hasn’t played football in nearly two years. The Panthers have yet to return to the playoffs, only finding Newton’s successor as franchise QB in Bryce Young in this past draft (at least they hope so).

8. ANDY DALTON

The first of several Bengals QBs to make the list, Andy Dalton’s case is one often forgotten. Although Cincinnati had failed to win a playoff game in each of the previous four seasons, 2015 looked like it would finally be the breakthrough year. Dalton and the offense were red hot, starting the season 8-0 and putting the Bengals in contention for the best record in the AFC at 10-2. But in the 1st quarter of a Week 14 matchup with the Steelers, Dalton broke the thumb on his throwing hand while tackling Stephon Tuitt following an INT. The injury would keep him out for the rest of the regular season, with Cincinnati finishing 12-4 and narrowly missing out on home field advantage in the AFC to the Denver Broncos, who they nearly lost to in OT in Week 16 with A.J. McCarron at the helm (and who would go on to win the Super Bowl). The Bengals’ season would end as a result of a Crazier game against Pittsburgh in the Wild Card round. Cincinnati wouldn’t return to the playoffs until six years later, with Dalton long gone by then.

7. RANDALL CUNNINGHAM

When most fans are asked to name the best defense in NFL history, the 1991 Eagles aren’t often mentioned. But they should — the apparently late statistics site Football Outsiders ranks Philadelphia’s 1991 squad as the best ever, with only the 2002 Buccaneers better at pass defense and the 2000 Ravens better against the run. Perhaps they would be better known if the offense had done anything. The pieces were there, especially at QB, with the dynamic Randall Cunningham and his Electric Touch. But it was all lost in Week 1 against the Green Bay Packers, when Cunningham was tackled by Bryce Paul and tore his ACL, knocking him out for the rest of the season. Although Philadelphia would finish 10-6 thanks to another QB on this list, it wasn’t good enough to make the playoffs. Cunningham would return the following year, but it was clear much of his speed and athleticism was taken by the injury. The Eagles were never serious contenders again under Cunningham and that 1991 squad remains a major “what if?.”

6. DEREK CARR

Ah fuck. Well… here we go. You know the story — the Raiders had been terrible for 13 years, but saw some promise with a 7-9 finish under second-year QB Derek Carr in 2015. The next year, everything clicked — Carr, Amari Cooper, Michael Crabtree, Latavius Murray, and a phenomenal offensive line lit up the league and Khalil Mack turned in a DOPY performance. Well on their way to a win over the Indianapolis Colts in Week 16 to push their record to 12-3 and become one game away from clinching the AFC West and the No. 2 seed in the playoffs, the Raiders had everything taken away from them when Carr was sacked by Trent Cole, breaking his right fibula. Oakland would lose its last game of the season before falling to the Houston Texans in the Wild Card round under Connor Cook. At minimum, the Raiders would’ve been in the AFC title game and could have made the Super Bowl. Instead, Carr was never the same and the Raiders now suffer from choke jobs and mediocrity. Raiders fans can have no Happiness.

5. JIM MCMAHON

It’s thought of by many as the dirtiest play in NFL history, and it was the End Game to a potential dynasty. Everyone knows how great the 1985 Bears were, but some say Chicago’s defense was even better in 1986. The defending champs were rolling and on their way to a win over the rival Packers, about to improve to 10-2. However, at least two seconds after Jim McMahon threw an INT, Charles Martin picked him up from behind and body slammed him to the turf. McMahon — who was already battling rotator cuff issues going into the game — could no longer throw well and missed the rest of the season. Martin (who’s even more hated than Aaron Rodgers in Chicago) became the first player to be suspended multiple games for an on-field incident in modern NFL history. Although the Bears finished 14-2, without McMahon they lost in the Divisional Round. Neither McMahon or the Bears were the same after that season, with Martin’s dirty hit being the reason many say Chicago was robbed of a second (or even third) championship in the 1980’s.

4. ROBERT GRIFFIN III

Randall Cunningham, Daunte Culpepper, Michael Vick — these were the explosive playmakers Robert Griffin III was compared to coming out of college. Through most of his rookie season, those comparisons were proving correct. Griffin lit the league on fire through the air and on the ground and looked like the QB of the future. Unfortunately, Griffin suffered an LCL sprain in Week 14 against the Baltimore Ravens. Griffin controversially returned after just two weeks (though it was later discovered that Dr. James Andrews did not clear him to play) and ended up ruining his knee during Washington’s Wild Card loss to the Seattle Seahawks. Griffin had surgery on his ACL and LCL and was never the same, with injuries plaguing the rest of his career. Although his style may have made it an eventuality, Griffin was let down by Washington, who not only rushed him back early but had an extremely shitty field that likely had a role in him getting hurt in the playoffs. Washington should never be forgiven for being so Treacherous.

3. ANDREW LUCK

Much like the team that ruined the 2nd overall pick of the 2012 draft, the Colts should be forever shamed for ending the No. 1 pick’s tenure early. Andrew Luck was phenomenal, with his mobility and toughness compensating for Indianapolis’ incredibly shitty offensive line. While Luck had a lot of success and even led the Colts to the 2014 AFC title game, he also picked up a lot of injuries, missing the 2017 season with shoulder issues. Although Luck returned in 2018 and was named CPOY, the overall physical and mental toll caused by his injuries led to him unexpectedly retiring at the age of 29 in the 2019 preseason, a move that truly shocked football fans everywhere. While there wasn’t one particular injury that led to Luck’s retirement, his departure has become the Invisible String of the Colts’ lack of recent playoff success. It seemed that Indianapolis had finally assembled a true contender, one that over the next couple of seasons seemed to be just a QB away from a potential Super Bowl run. That run never came, and it’s not just because of luck.

2. GREG COOK

While Joe Burrow will likely go down as the greatest QB in Bengals history, Greg Cook could (and more accurately should) have earned that title by now. After starring at the University of Cincinnati, Cook was taken by the Bengals with the No.5 overall pick in 1969. Cook had the hype of being a potential all-time great and played like it in his first season, earning the AFL passing title and ROY honors while setting rookie records for yards per attempt and completion, which still stand today. He did all of that despite feeling a pop in his shoulder in the third game, deciding to play on anyway. That “pop” turned out to be a torn rotator cuff and partially detached bicep. Due to the extent/length of the injury and limited medical technology at the time, this was essentially a death sentence for Cook’s career, which was essentially over after just one year. During this time, the Bengals had an assistant coach named Bill Walsh, whose West Coast Offense would’ve fit Cook like a glove. This “what if?” pain is Nothing New for Bengals fans.

1. CARSON PALMER

It was 20 seconds of jubilation, followed by several minutes of dread and nearly 20 years (and counting) of being Haunted by “what if?.” In 2005, the Bengals snapped a 14-year postseason drought by finishing 11-5 and winning the AFC North. Cincinnati’s strength was its offense, led by a career year from Carson Palmer and Chad Johnson. On the Bengals’ second play of their Wild Card Round matchup with the rival Steelers, Palmer connected with Chris Henry for a 66-yard bomb. But as all of Cincinnati celebrated, Palmer crumpled to the ground, having been hit in the left knee by a diving Kimo van Oelhoffen. The hit left Palmer with an ACL and MCL tear, as well as cartilage and meniscus damage and a displaced knee cap. The Bengals were eliminated, their

best chance at a Super Bowl (which was ironically won by Pittsburgh) gone. Palmer would never quite be the same and Cincinnati would reach the playoffs just one more time with Palmer. While this is all awful, it’s not the only reason Palmer gets the top spot. It’s because he did it twice.

No, this isn’t Mirrorball. Nearly a decade after that “what if?” (and after a stint with the Raiders that we’ll never mention again), Palmer found himself in Arizona. In 2014, he was part of arguably the best squad in Cardinals history, with the team running out to a 9-1 record (the only loss being to the defending AFC champs). However, against St. Louis, Palmer re-tore his ACL while trying to escape a sack, cutting the Cardinals’ legs out from under them (did I mention that Palmer signed a three-year, $49.5M extension two days earlier?). Drew Stanton would perform solidly in Palmer’s absence, but his own season-ending injury (in the other game against the Rams, no less) left Arizona with Ryan Lindley, which did not go well. Although the Cardinals would rebound and make the NFC title game the next season, the 2014 team is largely considered better (and no one in the conference was beating the buzzsaw that was the Carolina Panthers that year). With two devastating injuries to the same knee, Palmer has a dual claim to the top spot.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 5, 2014, one of the greatest forgotten comebacks in NFL history took place. Entering the 2014 season, both the Cleveland Browns and Tennessee Titans had new head coaches and were looking to improve upon losing seasons the year before. Cleveland had ended 2013 with Seven straight losses (and ten defeats in their last 11). Part of that slide was due to the absence of Brian Hoyer, who had led the Browns to a 3-2 start before tearing his ACL. Although Hoyer would be ready to start the 2014 campaign, Cleveland drafted who they believed was the QB of the future, selecting Johnny Manziel with the 22nd overall pick. Hoyer was named the starter for the season, which began with three straight games that were decided on a last-second FG. After an early bye week, the Browns entered Tennessee hoping for at least a less crazy game. Meantime, the Titans had finished 2013 7-9 and were looking to snap a notable playoff drought of their own. Although Tennessee scored a Week 1 road win over the Kansas City Chiefs, they lost their next three games in lopsided fashion. Starting QB Jake Locker was injured in Week 3, though backup Charlie Whitehurst couldn’t do much in his place in Week 4. Locker would return for Week 5, as both the 1-3 Titans and 1-2 Browns needed a win to turn their spiraling seasons around.

Most of the first half couldn’t have gone better for the home team. After their first driver resulted in a punt, the Titans’ next three drives resulted in TDs. However, Locker was injured during the last of those drives on a hit by Buster Skrine, sending Whitehurst into the game. Still, Whitehurst found the end zone to finish the drive and then (after another Browns punt) needed one play to get his second score, finding Justin Hunter for a 75-yard TD. This dominant offensive display — combined with the Tennessee defense shutting down an anemic Hoyer and the Cleveland offense — saw the Titans take a Safe and Sound 28-3 lead late in the 2nd quarter. But like the New England Patriots would two seasons later, the Browns refused to give up. A TD pass from Hoyer to Jim Dray with 12 seconds left in the half gave Cleveland some much-needed momentum going into the final 30 minutes. However, after a FG to start the second half, the Browns were stopped on downs two drives in a row, with a loss still looking likely down 28-13 with a couple of minutes gone by in the 4th quarter.

That’s When things got crazy. By this point, the Browns defense had finally started to shut down the Titans offense. After the second turnover on downs (which happened due to a goal-line stand), Cleveland held strong then blocked a punt — the ball rolled into the end zone for a safety and made the score 28-15. On their ensuing drive, the Browns went down the field, with Hoyer finding Travis Benjamin in the end zone to cut the lead to 28-22. But after the defense forced another quick punt, the Titans defense appeared to end Cleveland’s hopes of a comeback with a Michael Griffin INT. Tennessee took about two minutes off the clock, but decided to go for it on 4th and 1 from their own 42-yard line to all but ice the game. Whitehurst was stuffed for no gain and the Browns had life once again. Two passes and a penalty later, Hoyer found Benjamin in the end zone again, giving Cleveland a remarkable 29-28 lead. The Titans tried to drive down the field in the final minute, but ran out of time, with the Browns earning an amazing comeback win — the largest by a road team in NFL history to this day.

The loss pretty much doomed Tennessee’s season. Although they managed to beat the then-winless Jacksonville Jaguars, a defeat to the lowly Washington Redskins kicked off a ten-game losing streak to end the season. That would at least allow them to use the No. 2 overall pick in the 2015 NFL Draft to select Marcus Mariota. As for the Browns, things would be a bit more complicated. The comeback win kicked off a State of Grace — five wins in six games to put them at 6-3 and in sole possession of first place in the AFC North in November. Even after a loss to the Houston Texans, a win over the Atlanta Falcons kept them at 7-4 with five games to play. But then the wheels completely fell off the wagon. Hoyer was ineffective the next game, leading to him being replaced by Manzeil part of the way through (the Browns still lost). Manzeil was later named the starter going into Week 15 against the Cincinnati Bengals, who won 30-0 and became the first team to shut out Cleveland since 2009 and limiting the Browns to just 38 offensive plays. In the end, Cleveland lost its last five games to finish 7-9. Hoyer (along with offensive assistants Kyle Shanahan and Mike McDaniel) would leave in the off-season. Manziel would be largely ineffective and released before the 2016 NFL Draft. Cleveland would have the No. 2 overall pick, one spot behind Tennessee, who also finished 3-13 in 2015. Both teams would trade their picks (to the Los Angeles Rams [Jared Goff] and Philadelphia Eagles [Carson Wentz]) and truly begin to rebuild. But at least they gave us a banger before that long road began.

OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:

— 2014: Peyton Manning throws his 500th TD pass and Wes Welker breaks the NFL record for most catches by an undrafted player as the Denver Broncos topple the Arizona Cardinals 41-20

— 2003: Dante Hall returns a punt for a TD, setting an NFL record for most consecutive games with a return TD (4) and scoring a 24-23 win for the Kansas City Chiefs over the Denver Broncos

— 1998: Rookie Randy Moss catches five passes for 190 yards and two TDs (and has a 75-yard score called back by holding) as the Minnesota Vikings defeat the Green Bay Packers 37-24

A PITCH FOR THE FUTURE

Let’s be honest — this relationship is going to end just like every other one Taylor Swift has entered. She’s going to write a song about him. Travis Kelce will eventually join the likes of Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas, Lucas Till, Joe Alwyn, Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, Harry Styles, Tom Hiddleston, and Calvin Harris as ex-boyfriends of Swift that have made it into song lore (to be honest I don’t know if she’s written a song about every single one of them, but I do not give nearly enough of a fuck to check). It may be in her next album or one down the road, but that song is coming — for her, it will be Better than Revenge.

But why wait? While I’ve never pegged myself as a songwriter, I have written a lot about football, which is Kelce’s forte. This is too good of an idea to pass up. When I have this kind of Blank Space in front of me, I must fill it.

Now then…

Exes and O’s, performed by Taylor Swift and written by Ruben Dominguez

(football tackles, followed by a whistle)

X-O X-O, N-O N-O

X-O X-O, N-O N-O

You took the field and I took a chance

When you did that little touchdown dance

My heart skipped to see you score

And it left me wanting even more

My endzone was wide open

You spiked my heart into the ground

And they didn’t even throw a flag

Because you paid the refs a bag

But you still managed to fumble me

I must’ve had a concussion

Because when Jake and Donna weren’t around

You treated me like a wench

So I’m sending you to the bench

Where not even you can be on TV

The pass got picked off

And now I’m pissed off

You may think you’re quite the catch

But you’re just a little Bearcat

You’re not even the best Kelce

And I’ve got the tight end they want to see

You may think you’re the Chief in town

But I’m the Queen of this Kingdom

Cause I’m always gonna steal the show

While you run your little exes and ohs

(oh… oh oh… oh oh oh oh) exes and ohs

I thought you were falling for me

But you’re just thirsty for more rings

I thought I wanted the same thing

But then I took a look around to see

You team has puts up a lot of points — it’s true

No huddle — you were all hell-bent

But you never once stopped to see

That beneath your broken helmet

I was your real life fantasy

(That’s why I got just 13 seconds out of you)

You may think you’re quite the catch

But you’re just a little Bearcat

You’re not even the best Kelce

And I’ve got the tight end they want to see

You may think you’re the Chief in town

But I’m the Queen of this Kingdom

Cause I’m always gonna steal the show

While you run your little exes and ohs

(oh… oh oh… oh oh oh oh) exes and ohs

Taylor’s way too sweet for you

So go on back to that Benberry juice

Or catch up with Kayla

Or be a hater

Just don’t even think about going for two

So the next time you grab the Lombardi

Just know that you could be holding me

But that’s one game you’ll never win again

You don’t get an explanation

Because I’ve always been

In victory formation

You may think you’re quite the catch

But you’re just a little Bearcat

You’re not even the best Kelce

And I’ve got the tight end they want to see

You may think you’re the Chief in town

But I’m the Queen of this Kingdom

Cause I’m always gonna steal the show

While you run your little exes and ohs

(oh… oh oh… oh oh oh oh) exes and ohs

Fly Travis Fly back to where you roam

Cause there’s no way you’re coming back to Ma-home

You may think you’re quite the catch

But you’re just a little Bearcat

You’re not even the best Kelce

And I’ve got the tight end they want to see

You may think you’re the Chief in town

But I’m the Queen of this Kingdom

Cause I’m always gonna steal the show

While you run your little exes and ohs

(oh… oh oh… oh oh oh oh) exes and ohs

(oh… oh oh… oh oh oh oh) exes and ohs

What can I say? I’m a Mastermind! Taylor, I’ll be waiting for your call.

2023 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $50

Dad: $50

Ewing: $50

Kyle: $50

Chriss: $50

Emilio: $50

Aly: $50

Nick: $50

Arik: $50

Jimmy: $50

Richard: $50

Riaz: $50

Now then, let’s get this done well before August is over next year, shall we?

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

THREE EYED RAVENS (1-2) VS. QUEEN’S GAMBIT (1-2)

Well, we’ve got quite the Love Story here. In the first ever domestic duel in league history, Three Eyed Ravens and Queen’s Gambit face off in a matchup between two teams who (despite lucking into the Top 2 draft picks) aren’t off to the hottest start. While both spouses should find chances to score, Ewing may be in for extra heartbreak. Not only does Aly famously have Justin Tucker, but any points Najee Harris gives him will be at the expense of his beloved Ravens. While we’re not quite at We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together territory, expect drama here.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (2-2) VS. IT MEANS MOORE (3-1)

It Means Moore has been having an Enchanted season so far, compiling a winning record despite being on the shallow end of the scoring pool. Kyle probably can’t get away with not scoring a lot of points this week. The Krispy Kritters have been the highest-scoring team each of the past two weeks, with Richard’s squad looking to make it 3/3. On paper, it’s a solid matchup of explosive QBs (Lamar Jackson and Anthony Richardson) featuring a bunch of playmakers (Justin Jefferson, Ja’Marr Chase, Davante Adams, Kyren Williams). We’ll see if that carries into real life.

KIDNEY STONE & WOOD (1-3) VS. ALREADY INVESTED $$ (2-2)

Kidney Stone & Wood had a rough first four weeks, which I knew would be bad. But finally, Cooper Kupp and Jonathan Taylor have a chance to return! So will they? Well… maybe… as of now. I don’t know. Fuck! Basically, if both continue to be unavailable for me, Already Invested $$ has the easy win. But if either (or preferably both) get back into the lineup, Emilio might just have a battle on his hands. Man, I wish I could go Back to December, when I had the most dominant team in the entire league and didn’t have to worry about injuries or PUP lists.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-1) VS. WELL DAMN (2-2)

While this is the only matchup between Top 5 teams this week, it doesn’t mean it’ll be a Gorgeous game. That’s because Footballdamus is missing some key starters in Justin Herbert and Keenan Allen. Riaz has chosen to go with Josh Dobbs and Rashid Shaheed in their stead. Good luck with that, especially if Well Damn’s biggest weapon gets going. If Christian McCaffrey plays like he did this past weekend, Chriss won’t need much else from the likes of Kirk Cousins, CeeDee Lamb, and Adam Thielen. Travis Kelce, DeVonta Smith, and Raheem Mostert need to step up for Riaz.

C’MON CHARBIE LET’S GO PARTY (4-0) VS. SLEEPING GIANTS (1-3)

Only one unbeaten team remains and C’mon Charbie Let’s Go Party has a good chance of improving to 5-0. Nick has the highest-scoring offense so far, with Matt Stafford, Stefon Diggs, Saquon Barkley, and Jalen Waddle ready to pounce again. But the Sleeping Giants should put up a fight. Dad is navigating the Labyrinth of Joe Burrow’s early season struggles by starting Jared Goff (and Amon-Ra St. Brown) instead. Even so, Josh Jacobs, Tony Pollard, George Kittle, and the Eagles defense will need to step up if Dad has any hopes of pulling an early upset here.

CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (1-3) VS. HOG WILD (2-2)

While Hog Wild has only one London Boy in its lineup this week (Travis Etienne), they will be looking to the ocean for help. As the Dolphins go, so does Jimmy, with Tua Tagovailoa and Tyreek Hill seemingly set for huge days against the woeful Giants. I would include Miami’s defense, but they seem to have taken residency in the Channel 4 News Team lineup. Arik snatched them off waivers to go with the likes of C.J. Stroud, A.J. Brown, C.J. Mosely, and probably others with initials as a name. This one could be down to the defenses this week

.ONE LAST THING

This past weekend, I unexpectedly found myself in possession of a pair of tickets (and a parking pass) to, of all things, Arizona State at Cal. Even though I had seen this exact matchup before (and in fact this was the last FBS matchup I had seen in person), I wasn’t about to say no to free college football. I reached out to Ewing (sorry, everyone else), who accepted my invitation to join. When Saturday rolled around, I drove down to Berkeley, picked up Ewing from the BART station, and found the parking lot (which surprisingly wasn’t in the basement of a church this time). After finding a spot, parking and turning off the car, and downing a pair of Long Drinks and tall boys (I swear that’s not a euphemism), we made our way to the Holy Ground that is California Memorial Stadium. Once inside, we were greeted by something we in no way, shape, or form could have seen coming. Here is what we found:

First off, there’s the mariachi band. While it’s not something I’d expect to find at a football game, we are in Hispanic Heritage Month and I always appreciate some good music. Then there are the two enormous screens behind the band. The screen on the right was just going to commercial break, but it had been showing the USC-Colorado game. That’s perfectly normal and if anything appreciated. But then we have what’s happening on the screen on the left. Your eyes are not deceiving you — that is Super Smash Bros. Ultimate being played at a college football game. I’d call it the most Pac-12 thing I’ve ever seen, but the two schools involved in the game are about to join the Big XII and ACC, respectively. What’s worse, the participants were playing a “Timed” match instead of “Stock” (and had the final smash meter turned on, no less!). I briefly thought about how Kyle and I would probably beat the shit out of everyone playing. Then I realized we would be two 30-somethings competing against college students at video games and understood that kind of gameplay just Hits Different. Eventually, we made it to our seats just after kick-off for what would be without a doubt the dumbest football game I’ve ever seen in person.

Although the first three drives of the game combined for 26 years and zero points, they introduced two of the main characters. It was apparent early that Arizona State would run its offense through Cameron Skattebo, the 5’10” 210 lbs. RB transfer who had spent the past two years tearing it up at Sac State. That offense would almost entirely consist of running Skattebo up the middle or throwing incomplete passes. For Cal, everything would run through Sam Jackson V, an extremely quick and athletic QB who can best be described as “Justin Fields if he couldn’t throw.” That comparison is valid even by current Justin Fields standards. Even so, Jackson led the Golden Bears down the field (thanks in large part due to a fantastic catch by Jeremiah Hunter) and into the end zone to jump out to a 7-0 lead. The Sun Devils responded with a TD drive of their own, though it was more like someone banging their head against a wall until it finally broke. They seemingly made Skattebo rush Fifteen times up the middle, though it turns out it was actually eight times (though he only gained 18 combined yards). But thanks in part to a bullshit DPI call, Skattebo eventually found the end zone just before the end of the 1st quarter.

The 2nd quarter was an exercise in how both teams could be Fearless with their offensive ineptitude. Although Jackson’s legs couldn’t get things going for Cal, Lachlan Wilson pinned Arizona State down at their two-yard line with a phenomenal punt. Three plays (including two Skattebo runs for a combined zero yards) later, the Sun Devils’ own punter couldn’t even get the ball out of their own half. Although the Golden Bears ran close enough to score a FG, Jackson’s poor passing prevented them from finding the end zone. After three plays got them nine yards, Arizona State shockingly went for it on 4th and 1 from their own 34-yard line. They went to Skattebo again, only for him to throw it to QB Trenton Bourguet. Despite an underthrow by Skattebo, the Cal defender somehow got Mossed by a fucking QB and the Sun Devils got a new set of downs. Just three plays (including two Skattebo runs for a combined two yards), they faced 4th and 1 again. Once again they rushed Skattebo up the middle, only for Cal to correctly guess the play Arizona State had run like 20 times up until that point and stop them. Despite getting the ball back in good territory, a bad sack taken by Jackson led to another punt. Although Skattebo actually managed a (gasp) 15-yard run on Arizona State’s ensuing drive, a fumble mercifully led to the end of the first half, with Cal up 10-7.

The 3rd quarter began with a 33-yard run by Jackson being wiped out due to a penalty, forcing Cal to punt. But then five plays later, Arizona State decided to go for it in 4th and 2 from their own 31-yard line. Although Bourguet had completed his last four passes, Skattebo got the ball on this attempt. Much like Brandon Staley’s 4th down calls, this one got stuffed, giving Cal tremendous field position. Not even the Golden Bears could fuck this up, as Hunter made a beautiful catch in the corner of the end zone to increase the lead to 17-7. From there, Cal’s offense turned as Cold as You, punting on its next three drives. Could the Sun Devils capitalize? Well, after an out-of-fucking-nowhere 66-yard catch and run by Skattebo of all people, Arizona State was set up deep in Cal territory. The defense held to make it 4th and 2, only to be called for encroachment and move the ball up a yard. Elijah Badger seemingly scored an easy TD, but after a lengthy review from officials (during which time it was announced Cal had called a timeout before the extra point, then we genuinely had no idea what the hell was happening for about a minute), Arizona State was called for illegal substitution, forcing them to kick a FG. Another one followed on their ensuing drive, though their first possession of the 4th quarter resulted in a three-and-out.

It was the Sun Devils’ second possession of the final frame that put them in serious trouble. One play after Cal’s third punt in as many drives, Bourguet was picked off, giving Cal the ball well into the red zone. Three runs by Jadyn Ott later, the Golden Bears were up 24-13. Naturally, Arizona State responded by turning into the Miami Dolphins, with a nice kick return by Badger leading to a four-play TD drive (and two-point conversion) that cut the deficit to 24-21. When Cal got the ball back, they had seemingly realized that Jackson couldn’t pass the ball and decided to just give it to Ott (and Isaiah Ifanse) over and over again. Incredibly, this worked, with Cal methodically working the ball down the field and draining the clock. However, it wasn’t exactly pleasing to the eye — not only were the Golden Bears running the exact same play, but Arizona State players kept getting hurt, resulting in no fewer than four stoppages in play. It felt like Ewing and I were going to be trapped at Memorial Stadium Evermore. It seemed like a penalty for a block below the waist (caused by a Cal player literally slipping and falling into his opponent’s legs) would end the drive, but then Cal decided to go for it on 4th and 7 at Arizona State’s 25-yard line. In the dumbest play of a dumb game, Jackson nearly fumbled the snap, somehow avoided a sack, and heaved it to a WR, only for the DB to literally jump into his arms as the ball arrived, resulting in a DPI call and a 1st down. Although Cal managed to force Arizona State to use all of its timeouts, the Golden Bears were stopped at the goal line with just under three minutes left. But despite a 20-yard (receiving) gain by Skattebo, Arizona State couldn’t even get to midfield, as Cal held on for the 24-21 win. If you want to watch the “highlights” click here.

Before we Exile this game into the history books, let’s take a look at the stats, which are equally as dumb. Arizona State actually finished with over 100 total yards more than Cal (430 to 326) despite the time of possession being virtually identical. That disparity comes from the passing game, with the Sun Devils throwing for 362 yards compared to Cal’s 130 yards. Jackson went just 12/28 to produce a paltry QBR of 18.3. The game was won (and lost) on the ground, where Cal outgained Arizona State 196 to 68. Ott had a fantastic day with 29 carries for 165 yards. Compare that to Skattebo, who carried the ball just four fewer times (25 total) for only 59 yards (keep in mind that includes one 15-yard gain). The fact that Arizona State kept running him up the middle over and over again was simply mind-blowing. You can’t even call this a bad day at the office for Skattebo, who finished with 98 yards receiving as a guy probably shorter than me. Apart from Arizona State’s terrible play calling and decision making, it was the defense, special teams, and running game (as well as Jeremiah Hunter) that won it for the Golden Bears.

Anyway, let’s tally up those Taylor Swift references! If your guess was 68, congrats! What can I say, I’ve got Style!

Whoops… 69. Nice.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness