Ruben's Writings

Tomorrow is going to be fucking crazy. Sacramento Republic FC will continue its pursuit of a second USL Championship crown, when it hosts San Antonio FC in the Western Conference semi-finals. The Texas Rangers and Arizona Diamondbacks will face off in Game 1 of the most unlikely World Series matchup of all-time (and one of the few where I genuinely don’t care who wins). But the majority of sports fans will instead have their eyes glued to the Golden 1 Center, where the Sacramento Kings will begin their home schedule against the bitch ass Golden State Warriors.

I’ve already written about how incredible last season was — even if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t need to. All of you know just what a wild and unexpected ride it was, a ride that was tragically cut short by that team from the Bay Area. But now that our young Kings have a taste of the postseason, it’s time for them to take the next step. Although everyone and their mother is projecting Sacramento to take a step back this season, the Kings looked damn good last night in the season opener against the Utah Jazz. But it would be so much sweeter to put the Warriors over our collective knee and give them the ass-whooping they deserve. 

Light the motherfucking beam, boys!

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

KIDNEY STONE & WOOD (2-5) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-2)

88.44 – 85.96

FRED WARNER YOU BEAUTIFUL MOTHERFUCKER!!! Things have not been going well for Kidney Stone & Wood this season and everything seemed to point in the trend continuing against first place Footballdamus. Justin Fields should’ve been the one carving up the Raiders (more on that later), but he was injured. Derek Carr was (shockingly) mediocre. Aaron Jones, Christian Watson, Marquise Brown, and (actually shockingly) Cooper Kupp didn’t do shit. Plus, between Michael Thomas and Diontae Johnson I left ten points on the bench. My only saving graces were Jonathan Taylor (18 points) and the Browns defense (16 points). Meanwhile, Riaz was in prime position thanks to Travis Kelce (23 points) and the Ravens defense (14 points). But then Justin Herbert, DeVonta Smith, and Raheem Mostert were shockingly pedestrian, leaving me within striking distance with Warner left. It came down to the wire, but fighting through injury Warner made one last tackle to put me over the top and cap off the comeback.

WELL DAMN (4-3) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (2-5)

112.06 – 108.58

What a thrilling game, tainted by one utterly fucking baffling decision! Honestly, it’s kind of a good way to describe several games this season. The Krispy Kritters and Well Damn had good days in different ways. Richard’s guys were either hit or miss, although the hits — Lamar Jackson (33 points), Dustin Hopkins (22 points), and Jerome Ford (15 points) — hit pretty damn hard. Chriss’ lineup on the other hand was much more consistent — while none of his guys finished with 20 or more points, five of them finished well into the double-digit mark. The result was a relatively even battle that came down to the last game of the week. While Richard was slightly in the lead and had Brandon Aiyuk going, Chriss once again thanked the fantasy gods that Christian McCaffrey (19 points) fell into his lap and powered him to a close win. Except, McCaffrey’s effort shouldn’t have been enough. Richard’s starting lineup included a Blank Space in the defense spot. The Chiefs defense (which scored ten points) was on his bench. Yep, Richard fucked this one up.

C’MON CHARBIE LET’S GO PARTY (6-1) DEF. QUEEN’S GAMBIT (2-5)

118.04 – 107.50

What was looking like a blowout ended up being much closer than we thought. Admit it, Nick — when Jake Moody missed that FG and Jordan Addison (25 points) caught that second TD, a chill ran down your spine and you thought Aly could actually come back and win. Unfortunately for her, the lead was just a little bit too much to overcome. While no one on C’mon Charbie Let’s Go Party had a monster day, only three starters failed to produce double-digits. Jahmyr Gibbs (18 points) and Saquon Barkley (15 points) led the way and Nick used the classic strategy of “play whoever’s facing the Raiders” to get 17 points from the Bears defense. Sadly, Queen’s Gambit didn’t get nearly as many points from their defense, although the Bills offense did give them plenty of support in Josh Allen (25 points) and James Cook (16 points). The same can’t be said for Kadarius Toney and Tyler Lockett, who failed to keep up in the sprint that this matchup became. In the end, Nick’s unexpectedly good start to the season rolls on without a stop. 

THREE EYED RAVENS (3-4) DEF. HOG WILD (4-3)

135.16 – 89.44

Hog Wild has been one of the top scoring teams in the league this season, while Three Eyed Ravens have generally failed to live up to their potential. So naturally, Jimmy’s squad barely outscores mine and Ewing is the highest scorer of the week. Fantasy football, everyone! What’s crazy about Ewing’s performance is that he topped 130 points despite a goose egg from Gabe Davis and just two points from the Packers defense. That pickup of D’Onta Foreman (30 points) gave Ewing a pair of 30-burgers, to go with Pat Mahomes (34 points). Throw in the likes of Mark Andrews (18 points), Courtland Sutton (13 points), and Najee Harris (12 points) and Ewing was sitting pretty. Contrast that with Jimmy, who saw good days from Travis Etienne (19 points), Dallas Goedert (13 points), and Tyreek Hill (14 points) go to waste thanks to lackluster efforts from Tua Tagovailoa, D.J. Moore, and Amari Cooper. Jimmy’s success goes along with that of the Dolphins, who ran into a brick wall known as the Eagles. There will be better days ahead.

SLEEPING GIANTS (3-4) DEF. ALREADY INVESTED $$ (3-4)

107.16 – 64.96

Well, that was fucking pathetic. Already Invested $$ just straight up did not have a good time, with Emilio’s inability to take an injured D.K. Metcalf out of the lineup being the least of his worries. Metcalf and Bijan Robinson each put up a goose egg, while Luke Musgrave, Austin Ekeler, T.J. Edwards, and the 49ers defense didn’t do much better. Only Jalen Hurts (24 points) and Puka Nacua (16 points) finished with double-digits, though this prevented Emilio from putting up an even more embarrassing result. It still didn’t get the win, though Sleeping Giants had some unforeseen problems as well. Jared Goff was terrible and several of Dad’s skill positions were merely mediocre. But two players stood out — Gus Edwards (20 points) and Foyesade Oluokun (24 points). Although the rest of Dad’s lineup was mid, mid seemed like HOF-caliber compared to what Emilio was able to put up. In most other circumstances, I would launch into a ranting quote of the famous quiz scene from Billy Madison. But then I saw something even more horrifying.

CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (3-4) DEF. IT MEANS MOORE (5-2)

116.56 – 57.76

Kyle… what the fuck was that? While It Means More didn’t put up the lowest single-week point total in league history, they came within striking distance. When Jordan Love, who played poorly and finished 16 points, would’ve been by far the better option at QB, you’ve got a problem. Sam Howell barely finished with double-digit points and was still Kyle’s top scorer. Calvin Ridley, Curtis Samuel, Alexander Mattison, Jonnu Smith, and the (checks notes) Raiders defense were all poor at worst to mediocre at best. Meanwhile, Channel 4 News Team had five players (half of the starting lineup) outscore Kyle’s best player. A.J. Brown (19 points), Alvin Kamara (17 points), and Christian Kirk (13 points) did work, while Trevor Lawrence (18 points) was solid if not spectacular. Fortunately for Arik, 116 points was not only more than enough to get the win, but it was also enough to double Kyle up on the scoreboard. Kyle’s lack of scoring hasn’t really bitten him in the standings so far this season — he’d better hope this result isn’t a sign of bad things to come.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. C’mon Charbie Let’s Go Party  (6-1)
2. Footballdamus (5-2)
3. It Means Moore (5-2)
4. Hog Wild (4-3)
5. Well Damn (4-3)
6. Already Invested $$ (3-4)
7. Three Eyed Ravens (3-4)
8. Channel 4 News Team (3-4)
9. Sleeping Giants (3-4)
10. Queen’s Gambit (2-5)
11. The Krispy Kritters (2-5)
12. Kidney Stone & Wood (2-5)

HUNT FOR THE HELMET:

1. C’mon Charbie Let’s Go Party (796.08)
2. Hog Wild (787.08)
3. Footballdamus (786.56)
4. Already Invested $$ (768.12)
5. Well Damn (752.94)
6. Three Eyed Ravens (752.58)
7. Channel 4 News Team (699.38)
8. Queen’s Gambit (696.74)
9. The Krispy Kritters (696.60)
10. Sleeping Giants (665.12)
11. It Means Moore (639.48)
12. Kidney Stone & Wood (576.32)

DRINK PUNISHMENT TRACKER:

1. Jimmy (119.44) –> Aly (55.84) & Ewing (86.14)* [Shot of Fireball]
2. Chriss (1466.66) –> Ruben (51.25) [Voodoo Ranger Imperial IPA]
3. Richard (143.68) & Emilio (143.28)** –> Kyle (74.96) [Modelo Especial] and Ruben (74.36) [805]**
4. Richard (124.74) –> Ruben (83.64) & Jimmy (83.18) [Modelo Especial]***
5. Jimmy (180.82) –> Richard (66.34) [Device Brewing Curious Haze]
6. Riaz (138.67) –> Richard (73.32) [Voodoo Ranger Fruit Force IPA]
7. Ewing (135.16) –> Kyle (57.76) [Coors Light]****

* Ewing voluntarily took a shot in shame after losing to Ruben

** Each pair — Richard and Emilio as well as Kyle and Ruben) — was separated by less than a point, so two drink choosers and drinkers were selected. Richard and Emilio each made a selection, while Kyle got to pick which drink to consume

*** Ruben and Jimmy finished within a point of each other, so both had to drink

***Kyle got to choose the beer, but Ewing requested he shotgun it

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: When it comes to being “unexpected,” the Raiders and Bears get the nod in bad and good ways, respectively. When it comes to the latter, no one had a better day than D’onta Foreman, who fought through the Raiders’ “tackling” and put up 30 points. That’s good news for Ewing, who picked Foreman up the day before the game and rode his performance to the week’s top score.

WORST: While Kyle hasn’t exactly been known for his scoring this season, having only put up more points than me this season, this most recent performance is absolutely shocking. Just one of his starters scored in the double-digits, with that one player (Sam Howell, his fucking QB) barely getting over the ten-point mark. That’s how you manage to put up just 57 points in a game.

TRANSACTION

BEST: As mentioned earlier, Ewing struck gold when he picked up D’Onta Foreman, whose 30-burger turned a close battle into a rout. But Ewing wasn’t the only one to use the tried and tested fantasy football strategy of “pick up whoever’s playing the Raiders.” Nick picked up the Bears defense, who put up 17 points — another defensive pickup could’ve meant the difference.

WORST: Even though my lineup is finally healthy (minus Justin Fields), I still can’t figure out a solid, consistent starting group. I’ve made plenty of fuck-ups along the way, including letting Kyle Pitts go. Suddenly, he’s actually scoring a decent amount of points, while my TE combo of Tyler Higbee and Michael Mayer hasn’t done shit for me. My loss is Arik’s (and Emilio’s) gain.

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: As a Jonathan Taylor owner, I hate Zack Moss. He’s taking touches away from Taylor and is still being productive. However, Nick decided to bench Moss, anticipating a bigger role for Taylor this past week. This turned out to be a smart decision, as Saquon Barkley and Jahmyr Gibbs not only performed much better, but the point difference might have prevented a loss.

WORST: I mean… it can’t be anything other than Richard’s failure to start a defense, which directly led to his defeat. While Richard says there must be some bug or error that caused the mistake, given this isn’t the first time he’s had a problem with technology, I’m willing to bet that error was more related to the user than he’d like to believe. Just double check, dumbass!

LUCK

BEST: When your QB scores just ten points and several top stars under-perform, you expect to get killed. Well, Dad won by 43 while scoring 100+ points. That win came thanks to Foyesade Oluokun and Gus Edwards, who each put up 20+ points to get Dad a much-needed victory. Of course, there was another factor at play — Dad had to play a terrible opponent to make it happen.

WORST: Emilio had quite the shitty week, didn’t he? He barely scored more points than Kyle and his blunder of leaving an injured D.K. Metcalf in the lineup is only hidden by Richard’s gaffe. Only two of his starters put up double-digits, while his best player went off at the expense of Emilio’s beloved Dolphins. Both Miami and Green Bay lost, with the Packers being shit. Not a good look.

MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT

Mark it down — it’s Week 8 and I no longer give a shit about the Raiders. I’m pretty sure that’s the earliest I’ve felt this way about the Silver and Black.

At least when the Raiders were garbage in the late 2000’s early and 2010’s, there would be the occasional random win over the Super Bowl contending Steelers or a 92-yard TD run from Terrelle Pryor or thrill whenever Sebastian Janikowski trotted out to try and kick the ball half the length of the field. At least when the Raiders were the worst team in the NFL, they were so bad they wrapped around to be entertaining. At least when the Raiders were emulating the many sex workers in Las Vegas and blowing leads left and right, there was the thrill of seeing them score and (mostly false) hope of them actually holding onto the win. 

But these guys? This 2023 Raiders squad? They’re boring and absolutely not at all fun to watch. At QB, the Raiders have a grossly overpaid model who’s good for one INT a game and frequently throws hospital balls whenever he’s not in the hospital, a terribly past his prime journeyman backup, and a 4th round rookie who at this point probably already had career-threatening PTSD. The league-leading rusher from last season has turned into a shell of himself in historic fashion. Arguably the best WR in football (who’s a lifelong Raiders fan) is now actively complaining about how shitty the team is and has become prime trade bait. Jakobi Meyers has been a revelation but he can’t win games by himself. The TE position basically doesn’t exist (along with our young and once-promising slot WR) and the offensive line honestly isn’t worth talking about. All of this combines to form an anemic offense that vanishes in the red zone and has to be carried by the FG unit, which is suddenly not a surefire thing anymore with our K actually missing kicks for once. The Raiders have only scored 20 or more points once so far, which only happened because of a late game safety. Las Vegas is the home of absolutely boring, predictable football, with an offense that’s so bad it’s made the Raiders defense look good in comparison. It’s that defense taking advantage of facing some historically terrible offenses that somehow had the Raiders at .500 going into this past weekend. 

Remember three years ago when the Raiders were 6-4 and went to Atlanta to face a 3-7 Falcons squad, only to get smacked 43-6 (in what would be the home squad’s last win of the year)? This loss to the Bears was worse. Chicago is objectively a Bottom 5 team and was without its starting QB. So naturally, a former D-II rookie QB making his first career start absolutely curbstomps the Raiders. While I’m incredibly disappointed, I can’t say I’m surprised — this is the same Raiders regime that gave Jeff Saturday his only win as an NFL head coach, lost to Baker Mayfield just two days after he joined the Rams, failed to cross midfield until late in the 4th quarter in a shutout loss to the Dennis Allen-led Saints, and employs a head coach that can’t do math. 

I can bitch about Josh McDaniels and his predictably play-calling, terrible adjustments, awful decision-making, and refusal to accept blame all I want — I’d be preaching to the choir. But what’s the point if nothing’s going to change. We’re less than halfway through arguably the ugliest Raiders season I’ve ever seen and it seems like no major changes will be made until the off-season. That’s despite the team being borderline unwatchable, major questions at the most important position in sports, and our best offensive player all but demanding changes be made or him getting the hell out of town. I can’t even look forward to the draft, because the Raiders will somehow win enough to miss out on the most elite talent and inevitably fuck up with whoever they end up selecting (Tyree Wilson looks like just another name on the failed prospect pile).

You know what the fucked up thing about all of this is? The Raiders are being run by the son of one of the greatest NFL owners in history, who’s fallen miles away from the Davis family tree of football intelligence. Yet, this same owner clearly knows how to guide a team to a championship. The photo above is from the Las Vegas Aces’ WNBA title celebration earlier this month. Look at the naked mole rat looking motherfucker holding up the trophy. Yep, that’s Mark Davis. While the Aces were certainly good when Davis took over before the 2021 season, more moves had to be made to take them over the top. Davis has overseen the hiring of team president Nikki Fargas, GM Natalie Williams, and head coach Becky Hammon, not to mention the signing of Chelsea Gray and contract extensions of the likes of A’ja Wilson, Jackie Young, and Kelsey Plum. That last name is notable given Plum likely hates Davis for trading her husband, Darren Waller, to the Giants this past offseason. Regardless, this month the Aces won the 2023 WNBA Finals, becoming the first team to win back-to-back titles since 2002. Unless the New York Liberty or Connecticut Sun have anything to say about it, the Aces are so dominant they have a legit shot at matching the Houston Comets’ record of four straight titles.

Yet when it comes to the Raiders, Davis seems to be fucking clueless. It seems like Davis is trying to recreate the Patriots’ system of dominance, with hiring old New England members as GM and head coach and signing a bunch of former Patriots. Shockingly, it isn’t working, which everyone predicted for multiple reasons, including the fact that trying to recreate New England’s success without Tom Brady has never worked for anyone else. What we have in Las Vegas is an unwatchable team with a roster of disgruntled players being overseen by a coach everyone hates and an ownership group unwilling to make a change. Until that happens, what’s the point, honestly? What’s the point of watching this team unless changes are made and there’s actual hope for the future, or at least an entertaining product. Until Davis smartens up, there is none. 

By the way, I’m warning all of you now — if the Raiders trade Maxx Crosby I will bitch longer, harder, and more fiercely than I did when they shipped off Khalil Mack. 

STATS OF THE MONTH

Yeah, Bill Belichick got his 300th win, Christian McCaffrey has the NFL record for most games in a row with a TD, and a couple of WR corps are shitting on everything the Bears and Titans can do. But for once I actually had a request when it comes to stats, and it all comes from the most famous 4th round pick in league history.

In case you don’t remember, earlier this month, Justin Tucker kicked six FGs and scored 19 points. Despite those points not resulting in a victory, Aly, who shocked the world by taking Tucker with her 4th round pick, nevertheless thought this justified her selection. Kyle then asked if I could look at all of the 4th round picks to see if Tucker was in fact worth it. So let’s dive in!

For reference, our first round picks, in order, were: D.K. Metcalf (Emilio), Keenan Allen (Riaz), Jahmyr Gibbs (Nick), George Kittle (Dad), Kenneth Walker (Arik), Justin Fields (Ruben), Amari Cooper (Jimmy), T.J. Hockenson (Chriss), Calvin Ridley (Kyle), Brandon Aiyuk (Richard), Tucker (Aly), and James Conner (Ewing). Also, given there are 12 people in this league, these picks represent the 37th-48th overall selections.

When talking about value, we can’t just go with who’s scored the most points. When it comes to total points, Fields has by far the most out of our 4th round picks with 111.74. However, QBs are expected to score the most points out of any position on the field, so Fields should be the top scorer here. However, true value lies in the combination of points scored in comparison to other players at his position and how many of those players were available at the time. Sticking with Fields (who was the 5th QB taken overall), his 111.74 point total ranks 13th among QBs (he has missed a game due to injury, but still). Looking back, was it worth using my 4th round pick on the 13th-best producing QB, especially when more than half of those better than him were still available? Absolutely fucking not. Shocking, I know.

So let’s apply this to the other 4th rounders. The two people who by far got the most value from their picks were Arik and Riaz. Walker has 92.70 total points so far, ranking 7th in terms of RB despite being the 18th one taken. Meanwhile, Allen has 87.96 points, the 5th-best for a WR despite being the 17th one selected. Both Walker and Allen just missed out on the Top 10 highest non-QB scorers, which is fantastic value for a 4th round pick. 

On the other side of the spectrum, Metcalf (the 16th WR taken) has only put up 46.70 points, which puts him 41st overall. Cooper (the 18th WR taken) isn’t better, sitting in 44th in terms of production with 45.90 points. Ridley (the 19th WR taken) has 49.80 points (37th-most). None of those are good value. The last WR, Aiyuk (20th taken), is about even with expectations, scoring 63.10 points (good enough for 18th place). As for RBs, Gibbs’ 43.50 points have the 17th selection of his position sitting at 29th in production. Conner has 51.40 points, which is just good enough for 26th place. However, the 19th RB taken has missed multiple games due to injury, so we can’t really shit on this pick.

Then you have the TEs. This position is a little weird because there are really only a handful of players that are worth drafting early. Even then, if those players aren’t Travis Kelce, productivity can waver from 30 points in a game to catchless, depending on circumstances. So the overall value is trickier to gauge. For the two TEs taken in the 4th round, Hockenson has scored 50 points on the dot, while Kittle has 47.60. That makes them the 4th and 5th most productive TEs right now, respectively, despite being the first two taken after Kelce. Also, both Hockenson and Kittle’s point totals have largely come from one hugely productive game.

So with all of that in mind, how does Tucker compare? Well, his point total sits at 58.00, which is in the upper middle of the pack of 4th rounders. However, he’s not only a K, but was the first one taken by a mile. The next K taken (Daniel Carlson) didn’t go until the 8th round. Two more (Tyler Bass and Evan McPherson) went in the 9th, but the rest didn’t start to freely get selected until the 12th round. For some perspective, those other three (who were also made fun of for being taken so high) currently rank 29th, 12th, and 22nd in terms of K production, respectively. Tucker, who again was taken in the 4th round, ranks 13th. Aly spent her 4th round pick on the 13th-most productive K in the NFL, currently. Statistically, she used it on the Justin Fields of Ks, who also happens to be named Justin.

In conclusion, no — no matter if he kicked six FGs one time, it was not a good idea to spend a 4th round draft pick on Justin Tucker. 

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 26, 1980, one the NFL’s biggest injury “what if?”s became the recipient of the largest ass-whooping a QB had ever received at the time. The player in question was Bert Jones. who in 1973 was drafted by the Baltimore Colts as the heir apparent to Johnny Unitas. Through five seasons, Jones appeared to be living up to the hype, putting up monster offensive numbers and being named NFL MVP in 1976. However, Jones suffered a separated shoulder in the final preseason game of the 1978 campaign, beginning a stretch of several notable injuries that would hamper the rest of his career. Jones only played in seven games from 1978-79, which saw the Colts finish with back-to-back 5-11 seasons and head coach Ted Marchibroda lose his job. Going into the 1980 season, Jones appeared to finally be healthy again and Baltimore got off to a 4-2 start. But a 37-21 loss to the New England Patriots left the Colts needing a win to right the ship. The St. Louis Cardinals appeared to be the perfect opponent to rebound against. It had been five years since the Cardinals had made the playoffs and four since they had a winning record. Going into the Week 8 showdown with Baltimore, St. Louis was 2-5 and had just been smacked 23-0 by the Washington Redskins. It seemed like Jones and the Colts would bounce back easily. But would I be writing about this game if that were the case?

To this day, it’s unclear if Baltimore’s offensive line had it out for Jones because he insulted their mothers or if they just decided to cosplay as traffic cones or some other explanation for what happened. But Jones spent more time on the ground than the grass on the field that day. The Cardinals hounded Jones throughout the game, bringing him down with ease. At the end of the day, St. Louis defenders sacked Jones 12 — yes, twelve — times. Although sacks were still two years away from becoming a stat for individual defenders, Curtis Greer led the way with 4.5 takedowns of the QB. Those sacks came with a combined loss of 73 yards. However, In a testament to Jones’ individual talent, the Colts somehow finished with a higher net passing yard total than the Cardinals (177 to 171). Jones went 19/43 for 250 yards (finishing with more completions and passing yards than St. Louis’ Jim Hart) and a TD. That score was part of a late Baltimore rally, as St. Louis’ 17-0 lead turned into a 17-10 contest within the 4th quarter. But the Cardinals’ defense was simply too much, holding on to preserve the Colts’ historic defeat.

While the Cardinals weren’t the first team to record 12 sacks in a game, it was the first time in NFL history that a single QB had taken each of those dozen sacks. Previously, five NFL QBs had taken 11 sacks in a single game, including Greg Landry, who had filled in for and injured Jones (and would continue to do so) in Baltimore. In the nearly 45 years since Jones went down a dozen times, 12 sacks still remains the most taken by a single QB in one NFL game. The mark has since been tied twice, with Warren Moon being dropped behind the line of scrimmage a dozen times by the Dallas Cowboys in 1985 and Donovan McNabb suffering the brunt of 12 sacks by the New York Giants in 2007. Unlike the other two teams that managed to record 12 sacks on the same QB in one game, the 1980 Cardinals failed to make the playoffs or even have a winning record. St. Louis went 5-11 and wouldn’t return to the playoffs until 1982, eventually moving to Arizona six years later. As for the Colts, the impact was much more profound.

1980 would actually be one of Jones’ most productive seasons, as he set career highs in yards, completions, and attempts (as well as INTs). However, thanks in part to a subpar defense, the Colts would finish with a 7-9 record. That would seem like heaven in comparison to what the team was about to go through over the next few years. Despite Jones throwing for virtually identical stats in 1981, Baltimore finished 2-14 thanks to what was at the time considered the worst defense in NFL history. The Colts set records for most points (533) and yards (6,793) in a single season and finished with a -274 point differential (they gave up more than twice the amount of points they scored). The only team Baltimore beat in 1981 was the New England Patriots, who also went 2-14 and got the No. 1 overall pick in the draft. Drafting for need at defense, the Colts passed on guys like Marcus Allen, Mike Munchak, and Jim McMahon in favor of LB Johnie Cooks (over HOFer Andre Tippett). Things didn’t get better in 1982, as Baltimore went 0-8-1 in a strike-shortened season. While they got the top overall pick in the 1983 Draft, the Colts had created such a toxic culture that the top consensus overall pick (John Elway) wanted nothing to do with them and forced a trade to the Denver Broncos. Although the Colts improved to 7-9, 1983 would be their last year in Baltimore — they famously Mayflowered their way to Indianapolis in 1984 and have been there ever since. As for Jones, he was traded to the Los Angeles Rams in 1982, playing just four games before a neck injury forced him to retire at age 31. Due to the overall poor management of the Colts during his tenure, Jones is considered by many to be a major “what if?” in NFL history. Bill Belichick described Jones as the best “pure passer” he’d ever seen and Ernie Accorsi has claimed that if Jones had played under different circumstances, he would’ve been the GOAT. At the very least, he probably wouldn’t have been the first QB in NFL history to be sacked 12 times in a single game.

OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:

— 2014: Rookie John Brown hauls in a 75-yard TD pass with 1:21 left to play as the Arizona Cardinals hold off a last-second effort by the Philadelphia Eagles to secure a 24-20 win

— 2014: Ben Roethlisberger becomes the first ever NFL QB with two 500-yard passing games, throwing for 522 yards and six TDs as the Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Indianapolis Colts 51-34

— 1993: The Carolina Panthers are unanimously approved and officially announced as the NFL’s 29th team, with the expansion franchise eventually beginning play in the 1995 season

USA VS. THE WORLD

The back end of the 2020’s are going to be fucking crazy for sports fans in California. You’ve got the Copa America next year, the World Cup and Super Bowl LX in 2026, maybe the Women’s World Cup in 2027, and only the goddamn Summer Olympics in 2028. That last event made news recently for the inclusion of five new sports — baseball/softball (yay), cricket (oh god that’s gonna take forever), lacrosse (sure), squash (sure), and flag football. That’s right, flag football is going to be an Olympic sport, which is hilarious for multiple reasons. The biggest of those reasons is the fact that there is no way the U.S. won’t absolutely wipe the floor with whoever they face during the competition.

There are some sports where some countries just dominate. The U.S. has basketball. African countries dominate long distance running. Asian countries dominate table tennis and badminton. The Netherlands dominates long-distance speed skating. Canada dominates hockey. But all of that will look like last year’s Super Bowl compared to how badly the U.S. will dominate in flag football. Granted, there are a lot of differences between football and flag football, namely the whole grabbing flags instead of hitting people in helmets and pads. But it’s still football, which above all other sports is truly America’s. When they have actual worldwide football competitions, the U.S. is represented by, like, D-III all-stars and still dominates. 

But then the NFL got involved and said they want players to take part in Olympic flag football competition. That’s right, in a sport where the U.S. Z team dominates the field, the league wants actual NFL players to compete. Holy shit, when the news broke, the internet was filled with memes about Paraguayan truck drivers or Swiss bankers or Kenyan security guards having to cover Justin Jefferson or tackle Derrick Henry. Georgia Tech’s famous 222-0 win over Cumberland may finally be surpassed. It will be like us trying to stop the Miami Dolphins. 

So let’s just say hypothetically the USA Flag Football Team was entirely made up of NFL players. Who would make the lineup? Keep in mind, this isn’t quite the same as assembling an All-Pro roster. Certain skills will be needed more for flag football specifically. Size and toughness may not necessarily be useful compared to speed and agility. Plus, running plays aren’t allowed within five yards of the end zone, so passing is even more emphasized.

According to the official rules, teams will consist of 12 players — five on offense, five on defense, and one sub for each. We don’t need linemen on either side, so the positions will be 1 QB, 1 RB, 3 WRs, 2 LBs, and 3 DBs. So let’s fill out a roster.

QB: Kyler Murray

This may seem like an odd choice, but hear me out. While mobility is a key, QBs aren’t allowed to go beyond the line of scrimmage, meaning it comes down to keeping yourself alive in the pocket. There is no QB more infuriating to try and tackle in the pocket than Kyler Murray, who had another bonus in the fact that he’s short, making it slightly more difficult to grab one of his flags.

RB: Christian McCaffrey

When healthy, there is no better RB in the NFL than Christian McCaffrey. It also just so happens that McCaffrey’s skills — pass catching, speed, agility, elusiveness — perfectly translate to flag football. McCaffrey’s versatility makes him the ultimate weapon and led to him breaking the NFL record with 16 straight games with a TD. Imagine how badly he’d tear up world competition.

WR: Tyreek Hill, Justin Jefferson, Davante Adams

Each of these WRs brings a different deadly skill to the field. Tyreek Hill will simply outrun every Olympian not competing in Athletics. Justin Jefferson will catch literally everything thrown his way. Davante Adams is so great at route-running, he will break the ankles of every poor DB he faces. There’s no way any team can cover one of those guys, let alone all three, with those skills.

LB: Micah Parsons, Fred Warner

Micah Parsons might be the best defensive player in the NFL, with his skills and overall athletic ability translating brilliantly to the world of flag football. Meanwhile, Fred Warner is seemingly everywhere on the field and will have the short plays covered should opponents try and get cute. Between the two of them, the field will be covered, which will give the DBs freedom to roam.

DB: Sauce Gardner, Pat Surtain, Derwin James

Let’s not try and get cute here. Sauce Gardner and Pat Surtain are arguably the two best CBs in the NFL and are known for their shutdown ability. With both sidelines covered, we need someone who can make sure the deep middle is taken care of. Derwin James can do it all at FS and is extremely versatile in general, meaning he can fill in for another defensive position if needed.

SUBS: Aaron Jones, Minkah Fitzpatrick

Given that McCaffrey can slide into the WR corps if needed, we should have a backup RB. Aaron Jones is quick and elusive on the ground and is extremely productive in the passing game. As for the defense, James is our fill-in guy, so we need a safety as backup. Minkah Fitzpatrick is pretty much universally considered the No. 2 safety in the league, so he’ll fit in nicely in the backup role.

If this is the lineup team USA brings out in 2028, they might break four digits, let alone triple.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 FAVORITE SACRAMENTO KINGS PLAYERS

Fun fact: the Sacramento Kings are the oldest franchise in the NBA and are celebrating something no other pro basketball franchise has reached — a 100th anniversary! The franchise was born in 1923 as the Rochester Seagrams. This was more than 20 years before the beginning of the NBA. In 1945, Rochester (now going by the Royals) joined the National Basketball League, winning the title in 1946. The Royals would soon join the NBA and win the 1951 title, which stands as the lone league crown to this day. Since then, the Royals have moved to Cincinnati, then Kansas City/Omaha, where they became the Kings. Then in 1985 they completed the cross-country move and made Sacramento their home.

It’s been nearly 40 years since then and the Kings remain the… kings… of Sacramento sports. There have been plenty of lows and a few highs during that time, but the Kings have never failed to be the talk of the town and at the very least provided compelling characters to root for. Even during the absolute dogshit years, fans have been able to find their favorites. In the interest of sparking some fun discussion in the group thread and beyond, I’ve decided to list my Top 10 favorite Kings players ever. Naturally, all of these players have come during the franchise’s Sacramento era (apologies to Oscar Robertson, Jack Tyman, Jerry Lucas, and “Tiny” Archibald) and suited up for the Kings at some point in my lifetime (apologies to Mitch Richmond, who left just as I became a fan). I’ve seen each of these guys play in person and while some of them weren’t exactly the best, they somehow earned a special spot in my heart. Shoutout to Kevin Martin, Domantas Sabonis, Hedo Turkoglu, Malik Monk, Scot Pollard, Brad Miller, and Jason Williams, who just missed out on making the final cut. Don’t yell at me too much, y’all.

(2024 edit: WHERE THE FUCK IS MALIK MONK?!? WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?)

HONORABLE MENTION: KENNY THOMAS

Kenny Thomas has three things going for him when it comes to my favorites list. First, he wore No. 9, which is my favorite number. Second, I sat almost right next to him while covering UFC 65, so he’s indirectly part of one of my favorite life memories. Finally, Thomas has remained in Sacramento since his retirement and has roots in the community. I’ve actually met and sort of hung out with Thomas a few times lately, given that he’s friends with the booking coordinator at FOX40. I guess that makes it four things, with none of them being his actual basketball ability.

HONORABLE MENTION: FRANCISCO GARCIA

Although this is a favorites list, these next three entries still provide me with pain, which I guess is fitting. Anyway, remember the gold jerseys that were objectively terrible? Well, I for some reason thought they were awesome and wanted one. I chose Francisco Garcia for that jersey because he was Hispanic. But I somehow missed the fact that Francisco Garcia was also the name of my ex-girlfriend’s father. Middle school Ruben was not smart. I guess this is my formal apology to Dad for making him buy me that jersey. Still liked Garcia (the player), though. 

(Side note: how come I always got shit for dating Olivia, but Ewing got off scot-free for dating her just two weeks after we broke up? That’s some bullshit.)

HONORABLE MENTION: JIMMER FREDETTE

Of the few genuinely terrible sports takes I’ve ever had, the Top 5 definitely includes Jimmer Fredette being a franchise-changing player. I was so excited when the Kings drafted him and when I saw a sign saying “Jimmer Gear” at the team store during a preseason game, I soon had a new t-shirt. Had both not been lost to time, that shirt might be worth less than the aforementioned Francisco Garcia jersey. Fredette just couldn’t translate his skills to the pros and flamed out. He’s still a nice guy — I even followed him on Facebook for several years. 

HONORABLE MENTION: TYRESE HALIBURTON

If Francisco Garcia represents pure cringe and Jimmer Fredette represents bad takes, then Tyrese Haliburton represents the pain of what could have been. Haliburton is a promising young player with a goofy personality who happened to fall to the Kings and wanted to stay with the team for years. Sadly, Haliburton was the necessary sacrifice to get Domantas Sabonis to Sacramento. While the trade may go down as the best “win-win” transaction in NBA history, a part of me will always be sad that Haliburton wasn’t part of the squad that turned things around.

HONORABLE MENTION: KEVIN HUERTER

He’s got a silky smooth stroke, he wears No. 9, and he’s ginger. What else does Kevin Huerter need to further endear himself to me? Although Huerter wasn’t exactly himself in the playoffs, he played terrifically in the regular season and if the Kings return to the playoffs he’s got the perfect chance to redeem himself. That being said, Chris Duarte may have something to say about that. I don’t know if that sentence makes sense but fuck it. Anyway, Huerter isn’t the only excellent shooter currently on the Kings to get a mention. But he’s the only one to not make the Top 10.

10. KEEGAN MURRAY

Here’s how to completely win over fans in your first NBA season. First, kick absolute ass in the summer league while being named MVP in Vegas. Then, break the record for most three-pointers made by a rookie in a single season while being named to the NBA All-Rookie First Team. While doing all of this, show flashes of other brilliance by throwing down vicious jams and going off on some stretches of offense, while holding back because you’re a rookie and don’t want to step on any toes (which is also applauded by fans). Finally, make sure you have an incredible personality off the court, one that’s awkward and boring to the point of being meme-able. Congratulations, you’ve successfully become Keegan Murray! Although Murray has only one professional season under his belt, he looks like he’ll be a star and fan favorite for years to come. So much so, he’s already earned a spot on my Top 10 favorite list. Given his incredible potential, it’s more than likely Murray will get even better on the court and rise up even higher on this list in the future.

9. DE’AARON FOX

So here’s a little bit of “inside info.” Back in De’Aaron Fox’s rookie year, we interviewed him as part of “Pink Week” and the effort to raise awareness funds for breast cancer (his mother is a survivor). According to our reporter, Fox came off as somewhat rude and entitled, which soured my opinion of him. I say this as an explanation for why Fox is so low on my Top 10, given how he’s such a general fan favorite today. That being said, I’m willing to bet that Fox has matured over the past six or so years and admit that we shouldn’t judge a teenager who just became a multi-millionaire based on an interaction you weren’t there to witness. Regardless, you cannot ignore the fact that Fox has become the Kings’ modern star (and has seemingly embraced Sacramento) while carrying the team for the majority of the past decade. He’s done so while being a lightning bolt on offense and his game has become even more exciting with the addition of Domantas Sabonis. Plus, Fox is clutch as fuck, which we’ve desperately needed on the court.

8. CHRIS WEBBER

While De’Aaron Fox is the Kings’ current superstar, Chris Webber was the first true superstar for Sacramento during my time as a fan. I remember eagerly waiting for and watching the debut of his Dada C4 commercial. While Webber initially didn’t want to come to Sacramento, he warmed up to the city and eventually became arguably the best player in modern franchise history. Webber was part of the new generation of Kings who helped transform the team from a joke into a contender. While Webber was certainly the top guy, it was his willingness to be unselfish that let the Kings’ offense thrive. Looking back at his style of the play, Webber would thrive in today’s NBA. Hell, he was a legit MVP candidate in 2002-03 and had he not fucked up his knee might’ve led the Kings to the title. Much like his arrival heralded the golden era, his trade to the Philadelphia 76ers signaled the start of the dark ages. Fun fact: I (and Dad) once made the cover of the San Francisco Chronicle’s sports section while holding up a sign about Webber.

7. GERALD WALLACE

Without question, the biggest travesty in Sacramento Kings history was what happened during the 2002 Western Conference Finals. The second-biggest travesty in Kings history was Gerald Wallace being robbed in the 2002 Slam Dunk Contest. He fucking nailed his dunks, while Jason Richardson needed like a thousand attempts to nail his eventual title-winning dunk. Man, the NBA really had it out for the Kings in 2002. Anyway, Wallace’s talents were apparent and he appeared set to be part of the next generation of stars to keep Sacramento in playoff contention for years to come. Then he was taken in the expansion draft by the Charlotte Bobcats, where he wasted his prime by toiling for a terrible franchise (and that’s coming from a Kings fan). Also, I remember my class (I think it was 5th or 6th grade) being invited to sing the national anthem before a game at Arco Arena (or something like that). Wallace was not only cool with the star-struck kids being on the court during warm-ups, but also gave me a high-five. That clinched a spot for him on this list.

6. BOBBY JACKSON

I dare you to find a Kings fan who has something bad to say about Bobby Jackson. I fucking dare you. One of the few universally beloved players in franchise history (there’s another one still to come on this list), Jackson became a fan favorite despite never really cracking the starting lineup. Still, Jackson managed to thrive coming off the bench, bringing an explosive energy with him whenever he came on the court. The one-time NBA Sixth Man of the Year and his iconic headband (and later bald head) were well-known around Sacramento and the greater NBA as a whole. While Jackson never got his proper time on the court, he made the most of that time he was given. Jackson also gets points for not only returning to the Kings for one last season (getting rid of Ron Artest in the process) and staying in the area for over a decade, even taking over the reins for the Stockton Kings. Although Jackson is now with the Philadelphia 76ers, he still represents Sacramento like the home it had been for the past 15 years. 

5. MIKE BIBBY

One of the few players to actually become even more in shape since his retirement, Mike Bibby was simply the fucking man in Sacramento. Bibby had the unenviable task of replacing fan favorite Jason Williams, who (along with Nick Anderson) were traded to the Vancouver Grizzlies for him and Brent Price. All he did was surpass Williams in every way (sorry, Dad) while helping Chris Webber lead the golden generation of Kings in the 2000’s. Of course, anytime we reflect on Bibby’s career, we must include his game-winner in Game 5 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals, putting the Kings as close as they’ve gotten to a return trip to the NBA Finals (he was also elbowed in the face by Kobe Bryant in Game 6, but somehow was called for a foul). I don’t really get star struck, but one of the few exceptions came in the summer before my sophomore year at high school. While at the PACE Sac State program, I randomly saw Bibby unloading supplies for a basketball camp. Despite my nervousness I somehow got an autograph. Thanks, Mike!

4. PEJA STOJAKOVIC

In 2011, the Miami Heat lost the NBA Finals, meaning Mike Bibby fell short of a much-deserved ring. Not many in Sacramento cared, because Peja Stojakovic was a member of the Dallas Mavericks squad that won those Finals. One of the best pure shooters in basketball history absolutely deserved a title, especially after the aforementioned bullshit in 2002. Another former King who no one in Sacramento actively hates, Stojakovic was absolute money from behind the arc for years and is one of the few players to win multiple Three-Point Contests. He was also just an incredibly likable dude who happened to be a fucking sniper from long distance. For all of his brilliant shooting, Stojakovic’s best play of his career might have been this phenomenal behind-the-back pass — one of the greatest assists in the history of basketball. Stojakovic is so beloved in Sacramento, his son, Andrej, is one of the few Jesbians I don’t hate. I forever have a soft spot for Dallas for allowing Stojakovic to retire as a champion, even at Bibby’s expense.

3. BUDDY HIELD

Alright… so this may be controversial. But hear me out! I first started following Buddy Hield during his final year at Oklahoma, during which time he shot the lights out. Although slightly afraid he’d be Jimmer Fredette 2.0, I still hoped the Kings would draft Hield in 2016 (we got Georgios Papagiannis instead). Then, through circumstances I’ll get to in a minute, Hield was a King less than a year later. Much has been said about Hield’s time in Sacramento (especially in light of Vivek Ranadive’s overly positive comments about him), but for my money his tenure was (at least on paper) successful. I mean, Hield broke Peja Stojakovic’s franchise record for most three-pointers made, and by some distance. Hield also won the Three-Point Contest, giving the Kings some rare success. Hield (along with Tyrese Haliburton) was a part of the deal that got Domantas Sabonis to Sacramento, so even his somewhat contentious departure turned out positive. Of course, we can’t forget about how Hield became a King, especially given the following.

2. DEMARCUS COUSINS

I remember exactly what desk I was sitting at during work when Mark Demsky came into the newsroom and told us DeMarcus Cousins had been traded to the New Orleans Pelicans (for a package that included Buddy Hield). I had to leave the room for 15 minutes to compose myself. For the first seven years of the 2010’s, Cousins was the only good thing about the Kings and the only not fucking terrible 1st round pick Sacramento made for over a decade. Boogie was the first All-Star to represent Sacramento in a long time and was the only reason the national media would ever give airtime to the Kings. Yes, Boogie was kind of a hot head and got a lot of technical fouls and complained a lot. But I like a player who wears his heart on his sleeve and isn’t afraid to say how he feels, especially when he plays for my team (and doing so would cause plenty of people to be frustrated). Cousins was always proud to be a King and represent Sacramento, which went a long way to earning points with me and many other Kings fans.

1. DOUG CHRISTIE

When I was a kid, I played a lot of basketball during recess. After realizing I wasn’t good at things like shooting, dribbling, passing, and being tall, I decided to specialize in defense, prioritising hustle, effort, and stealing the ball. I had the perfect player to emulate in Doug Christie. Not just my favorite Kings player ever but my favorite basketball player ever, Christie did the dirty work for the golden generation and was a huge chunk of the heart and soul of some of the best basketball teams I’ve ever seen. Plus, at the height of the Kings-Lakers rivalry, Christie punched Rick Fox in the face during a fucking preseason game. Inject that into my veins. Not only did a screenshot of that serve as my Facebook profile picture for a while, but I own this shirt. One last story: at a Kings game a few years ago, I drunkenly went to go to the bathroom. At the point where I was turning into the bathroom, Christie himself walked right past me. Due to basic male etiquette (we were in the bathroom), I couldn’t talk to him, let alone ask him for a picture. Just my luck…

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

C’MON CHARBIE LET’S GO PARTY (6-1) VS. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (3-4)

Something weird is going on this season — we’re just about to hit the halfway point and Nick hasn’t started his annual massive losing streak left. Instead, C’Mon Charbie Let’s Go Party remains in first place and may be setting up to actually not fuck up for once. However, as of this writing, Channel 4 News Team is actually favored to win this matchup. That’s of course if Chris Olave actually gives Arik more points than time spent in handcuffs. One thing I will say is that both squads have great running games and expensive TEs who haven’t done shit this season.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-2) VS. HOG WILD (4-3)

Speaking of teams with similarities, how about Footballdamus and Hog Wild? Riaz and Jimmy’s QBs (Justin Herbert and Tua Tagovailoa) were taken one pick apart and are paired up with their real life top WRs (Keenan Allen and Tyreek Hill). Both have TEs (Travis Kelce and Dallas Goedert) who played each other in the Super Bowl and young RBs whose first names start with “B” (Breece Hall and Bijan Robinson). What does all of this forecast for their matchup this weekend? I have no fucking clue, but I’d rather have Derrick Henry than Amari Cooper at FLEX.

IT MEANS MOORE (5-2) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (3-4)

Somewhat lost in the family drama and general stupidity of this league is the fact that this weekend features an Epic Bowl rematch, one that I’m still pissed about. Unlike the above matchup, It Means Moore and Three Eyed Ravens could not be more different. Kyle has somehow lucked into a 5-2 record despite scoring the second-most points in the league. Ewing has a losing record despite having the top overall pick (Pat Mahomes). But Kyle’s Qb situation is the opposite of good right now, giving Ewing a prime chance to win and right the universe.

WELL DAMN (4-3) VS. QUEEN’S GAMBIT (2-5)

As a whole, I feel like Queen’s Gambit should be a lot better. Josh Allen, Tyler Lockett, James Cook, Jordan Addison, and of course the legendary 4th round pick Justin Tucker should make a good team. But Aly is just 2-5. Maybe it’s because her lineup has largely been unable to have one consistently good game. Even if that happens, I don’t like her chances this week. Well Damn is favored even though (as if this writing) they have no defense. Chriss also has a resurgent Kirk Cousins, not to mention Christian “Good for at least 1 TD a game” McCaffrey, so there’s that.

ALREADY INVESTED $$ (3-4) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (2-5)

We have the guy who left an injured D.K. Metcalf in his lineup against the guy who forgot to start a defense (and lost as a result). Already Invested $$ and the Krispy Kritters will both be looking to redeem themselves this weekend. On paper, this one should be a shootout. Emilio has Jalen Hurts, Puka Nacua, Austin Ekeler, Bijan Robinson, and the aforementioned Melcalf. Richard has Lamar Jackson, Davante Adams, Brandon Aiyuk, D’Andre Swift, and the Chiefs defense. Given how this season is going, both teams will probably score fewer than 60 points or something.

KIDNEY STONE & WOOD (2-5) VS. SLEEPING GIANTS (3-4)

Well well well… it’s time for the annual Dominguez Bowl! Unlike in other years when at least one of us (usually me) is good, both Dad and I are not doing so well. Kidney Stone & Wood needs to start winning to avoid the dreaded “first to worst” future I seem to be barreling towards. Sleeping Giants need a win to get themselves out of the suddenly giant pack of teams under .500. What makes this even more personal is that Dad has Josh Jacobs, not to mention Jared Goff and Amon-Ra St. Brown (who are facing the Raiders). Monday is gonna be painful, isn’t it?

ONE LAST THING

I didn’t expect to have a game-changing revelation at Apple Hill this past weekend, but it happened.

I hadn’t been to Apple Hill since I was a child — even though I’ve had friends who have gone several times, I never felt a big need to sit in traffic in Placerville so I could eat some apples and spend a shit ton of money. But then a bunch of my former coworkers (a group of friends I hadn’t seen in months) made plans to go and invited me. A combination of wanting to spend time with them, realizing I could enjoy alcoholic beverages I couldn’t as a child, wanting to taste some good cider, and morbid curiosity over what Apple Hill would be like now won me over. 

Overall, I had a great time. We left around 7:30 in the morning (all of those godforsaken early tee times y’all insist on making actually paid off) and went to a few farms, gift shops, and even a winery. I wasn’t sure what I saw more of: apples, pumpkins, or white women wearing either uggs, cowboy boots, flannel, or a combination of the three. I spent way too much money, but the only thing I regretted buying was the worst pulled pork sandwich I ever had. That came from the food truck parked outside Grandpa’s Cellar, a bakery that had a line stretching literally an hour long to get in. But that wait was worth it, for this.

That is a flight of hot chocolate and the source of my revelation. One of the flavors was the “classic” hot chocolate, which was delicious. My favorite flavor was “s’mores,” while “caramel” was my least favorite (but still good). However, it was the fourth flavor that left me stunned. That fourth flavor was “pumpkin.”

As someone who genuinely doesn’t like coffee, I never got on the pumpkin spice trend that has taken over Fall. I know way more things than coffee have since become pumpkin spiced, but I genuinely didn’t care about it. Plus, I’ve never liked the taste of actual pumpkins and found pumpkin carving a little gross because of the smell. But since all of the other flights included some form of coffee, I had to get the one with pumpkin flavor, even though I knew I would hate it. 

Well slap my ass and call me Linus, that pumpkin-flavored hot chocolate was fucking great! Unfortunately, my surprise and joy was soon overcome by a horrific realization: I enjoy pumpkin spice. Fuck, I’m one of them now.

So I ask the rest of you basic bitches, what do I do now? I still don’t like coffee and probably never will, so how do I get more of this? How far is too far? Do I have to start wearing flannel and cowboy boots? Help me out here, I’m in uncharted territory and don’t feel like going back to Apple Hill for a while.

Goddamn it, why did I have to socialize…

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness