Ruben's Writings

On October 28, 2018, I sat in the upper deck of Dodger Stadium, nervously anticipating the game I had come to see. I was more anxious than I had ever been for a sporting event, and for good reason. My beloved Boston Red Sox had a chance to win the World Series and thus give me the ultimate sports fan experience — watching your favorite team win a championship in person. Add in the fact that I had taken a massive risk in even attending — I had work later that night… in Sacramento (I was still on the morning show), hadn’t gotten either a day off or a hotel, and had tickets for a plane ride home (but not a lot of time to get to LAX) — and I was a shuddering ball of nerves. While I had a decent record of seeing my favorite sports teams winning in person, I had to find a way to feel more secure, or at least calm myself down. I made a plea to the Sports Gods, saying that I wouldn’t ask for anything else as a sports fan — I could watch my team only lose from now on and still be happy with my memory of Game 5. At the time, I wasn’t sure they had heard my appeal, even though the Red Sox did in fact win that night. As I celebrated into the night (and somehow made my flight), I failed to come to grips with what happened. I thought I was reaching out to the Sports Gods — turns out, I had made a deal with the devil.

In the five years since I got the best feeling a sports fan could possibly have, the sports gods have made it clear that I got that feeling by sacrificing any chance at feeling anything remotely like that ever again. Let’s start with the Red Sox. Since the 2018 World Series, I’ve seen them play nine times in six different cities, either just one or two games in a row. The Red Sox’s combined record in those games is 2-7, with none of those wins coming either time I saw them in Boston and their best record in a single stretch of games being 1-1. In addition, I also ventured to Las Vegas to watch the Raiders get smacked by the Cincinnati Bengals. I wouldn’t be as upset about that (because, you know, Raiders) if that wasn’t the season where Las Vegas made the playoffs. As for the San Jose Sharks, my record at games since 2018 is actually 1-0 (over Ewing and Aly’s Chicago Blackhawks, no less). However, I’ve had to see my favorite hockey team collapse from Stanley Cup contender to literally the worst team in hockey, trade away the best player on the roster to my least favorite hockey team, trade away our beloved captain while seeing both Patrick Marleau and Joe Thornton retire, and start this season 0-10-1. Oh, and the Sharks got their first win over the Philadelphia Flyers, my second-favorite hockey team. 

But the real pain has been reserved for the teams with my hometown in their name. Imagine the best ways you can spend a Friday or weekend night. Wouldn’t “watch a local sporting event” be high among them? Well in my case, I have to take that with the caveat of “but your favorite team can’t win.” Of the approximately dozen Kings games I’ve seen at the Golden 1 Center, Sacramento has won one of them — against a Houston Rockets team that had already clinched the top seed in the West and thus rested their starters for the last game of the season. That also came before Game 5, so I’m winless in in-person Kings games over the past five years. I’ve seen as many in-person Kings wins at the G1C as in-person Kings losses to the 9-49 Brooklyn Nets. Even in Sacramento’s best season in an eternity last year, I went to two games, both double-digit losses. This has made me believe that I’m a jinx to my favorite teams, which is part of the reason I’ve only seen two Sacramento Republic FC games in person during that time. Those two games — the 2022 U.S. Open Cup final in fucking Orlando (a 3-0 loss) and the 2023 USL Western Conference Final earlier this month (a 2-1 loss thanks to one of the dumbest goals I’ve ever seen). Sacramento sports teams are winless when I watch them in person. This is hell.

When I made that desperate plea before Game 5, I imagined any retribution would come in the form of future baseball games. Honestly, I’m okay with the bad Red Sox losing streak (just please let me see a win in Boston for fuck’s sake). But I had no idea it would spread to my entire sports fandom. Now, not only will I never get to experience another championship win in person, but I can’t even buy a single victory with my ticket. I’m not asking for a lot — I just want to see my favorite sports teams win in person. It should pretty much be a 50/50 coin toss, except I keep picking tails and (much like my sex life) I get none. Let me go to a sporting event without my friends giving me the stink eye for jinxing our favorite team! I just want to see the Beam be lit up in person, damn it! 

So it’s come to this. In order to reverse this curse placed upon me by the sports gods, we have to use the old rituals. It’s time for a sports exorcism.

The first thing we have to do is make sure the subject (me) is restrained. Depending on what time you’re reading this, I’m either on my way to work (and thus restrained by my seat belt) or already there (in which case I’ll be glued to my desk for several hours), so we’ve got that covered. I have countless sacred relics (jerseys, shirts, scarves, and even a Kings towel at my desk) at my disposal, as well as an icon (the “Greatest Show on Court” Sports Illustrated cover) on my wall. We can replace holy water with whatever Chriss is making me drink this time and I found a list of Hail Mary’s we can use. Now then, let’s begin.

Sports Gods, have mercy.

All holy angels, spirits, apostles and Saints (especially Derek Carr and except St. Cecilia, obviously), intercede for us.

Oh Sports Gods who are in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Deliver us from evil.

I command you, unclean spirit, be gone from our beloved commissioner! I cast you out, unclean spirit, along with every Satanic power from every rival team, every spectre from hell, and all your fell companions (including Draymond Green)!

(I slowly rise up and hover in the air)

Begone and stay away from this creature, for it is the Sports Gods who command you, who flung you headlong from the heights of championship glory into the depths of the basement! It is the Sports Gods who once stilled the sea and the wind and the storm, causing weather delays and postponing games! Hearken, therefore, and tremble in fear, you enemy of the faith, you foe of all sports fans, you begetter of depression, you robber of titles, you corrupter of justice, you root of all evil and vice, seducer of referees, betrayer of loyal fans, instigator of flopping, font of avarice, fomentor of discord, author of pain and sorrow!

(I start thrashing mid-air)

Why then, do you stand and resist, knowing as you must that the Sports Gods bring your plans to nothing? Fear them, who in Curt Schilling’s ankle was offered in sacrifice, in Nomar Garciaparra was traded to the Cubs, made the paschal lamb for the Red Sox’s 2004 title run, which crucified Alex Rodriguez and triumphed over the powers of hell! 

(I speak in a monotone, demonic voice:

THE KINGS STILL COULD’VE WON GAME 7 IN 2002

MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER WILL NEVER ACCEPT SACRAMENTO

THE RAIDERS SOLD THEIR SOUL TO MOVE TO LAS VEGAS

MOOKIE BETTS IS THE NEW CURSE OF THE BAMBINO

THE SHARKS WILL NEVER WIN THE STANLEY CUP)

Begone, then, in the name of the Sports Gods! The power of sports compels you!

(I unleash blood-curdling screams)

It’s working! But we have to keep going…

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

C’MON CHARBIE LET’S GO PARTY (8-2) DEF. IT MEANS MOORE (8-2)

98.58 – 89.12

I adjure you, ancient serpent, by the judge of the living and the dead, to depart forthwith in fear, along with your savage minions! I adjure you again, not by weakness but by the might of It Means Moore, which somehow keeps winning despite putting up meager point totals. I compel you to tell me how Kyle can keep getting away with this shit! Somehow, C’Mon Charbie Let’s Go Party trembled before the mighty arm of Sam Howell (24 points), Ja’Marr Chase (18 points), and Rachaad White (15 points), because no one else in Kyle’s lineup had a noteworthy day. Make no resistance nor delay in departing from this man, much like Nick’s lineup largely made no resistance nor delay in departing from their winning streak, apart from Jahmry Gibbs (23 points) and Daniel Carlson (14 points). It is the Sports Gods themselves that seemingly made Nick pay for ignoring my trade request and going with Deshaun Watson, who is out for the rest of the season. Talk about someone the Browns wish they could exorcise from their team, huh?

WELL DAMN (7-3) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (3-7)

139.36 – 111.82

Depart then, transgressor! Depart, seducer, full of lies and cunning, for of virtue, persecutor of the innocent! Three Eyed Ravens might be the defending champs, but if they keep playing the way they have been, Ewing may not even make the playoffs. Even when Ewing’s team — David Montgomery (17 points), D’Onta Foreman (15 points), Roquan Smith (17 points) — actually played well, they ran into Well Damn, who cast Ewing forth into the outer darkness, where everlasting ruin awaits him and his abettors. There is no one who’s more brazenly refusing to lose right now than Chriss, who is soaring up the record and scoring standings. While Chriss continues to pour the poisoned cup of death for all of his opponents, Ewing appears to have transgressed the laws of fantasy football when he took Pat Mahomes first overall. For the Sports Gods have already stripped Ewing of his powers and laid waste to his kingdom. There’s nothing Ewing can do to regain his superpowers that won him the title last season, right?

FOOTBALLDAMUS (8-2) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (2-8)

117.72 – 84.52

I adjure you, profligate dragon, in the name of the spotless lamb, who has trodden down the asp and the basilisk, and overcome the lion and the dragon, to depart from this man! Tremble and flee, as Footballdamus, before whom the denizens of Hell cower, is finally back in first place. Behind the duo of Justin Herbert and Keenan Allen (29 points each) — who need to perform their own exorcism to give Brandon Staley the Josh McDaniels treatment (more on that later) — Riaz blew the Krispy Kritters out of the water. That’s not particularly hard to do, given that Richard is currently the worst team in the league. How that title isn’t on me right now is maybe proof that my life hasn’t completely gone to shit. Richard’s lineup has been forced to flee in shameful defeat several times — if that happens four more times, the Jop will be his. As for the person who will soon vacate our last place trophy, Riaz is now back in prime position to go from worst to first. It’s the league’s great Cinderella story: Riaz’s quest to have the rest of us enter into a herd of swine. 

ALREADY INVESTED $$ (6-4) DEF. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (3-7)

130.76 – 98.34

I adjure you to cease your assaults against the creature who the Sports Gods formed from the slime of the earth! Yield to the Sports Gods, who cast you and your malice into the depths of the sea. That’s much like how Already Invested $$ cast Channel 4 News Team into the loss column. Dak Prescott (38 points) drove the Giants back into the everlasting fire, while Jason Myers (28 points), Austin Ekeler (17 points), and Bijan Robinson (16 points) also gave Emilio more than enough offense to get the win. Arik may have possibly found his savior in C.J. Stroud (20 points), but apart from Chris Olave (16 points) and Kenneth Walker (18 points), there were pretty much no faithful servants to his cause, especially the injured Nico Collins and his goose egg. If Arik can’t get it together, an unquenchable fire stands ready for him and his team, should they miss the postseason. Meanwhile, Emilio hasn’t exactly consistently stood among the top teams in the league. However, he’s proven capable of putting up points and may be a dark horse for the title.

SLEEPING GIANTS (5-5) DEF. HOF WILD (4-6)

135.68 – 89.30

Depart then, accursed one; depart, impious one! Depart into the everlasting fire ready for you, prince of accused murders, father of lechery, instigator of sacrileges, model of vileness, promoter of heresies, inventor of every obscenity! Speaking of, Dad has admittedly done well lately. Sleeping Giants have scored more than 350 points in the past three weeks, which is even scarier given the fact that if you take away Week 9, that total only goes down to about 275. Joe Burrow (21 points), Amon-Ra St. Brown (22 points), George Kittle (17 points), DeAndre Hopkins (14 points), the Colts defense (16 points), and Foyesade Oluokun (16 points) all helped produce an everlasting hellfire for Hog Wild. Only Brian Robinson (21 points) and Javonte Williams (17 points) tried to prevent Jimmy and his lineup from being encompassed in flames. Now then, depart with all your deceits! Your place is in solitude, your abode is in the nest of serpents; get down and crawl with them! Begone you foul demon! The power of sports compels you! Amen!

QUEEN’S GAMBIT (3-7) DEF. KIDNEY STONE & WOOD (3-7)

99.98 – 65.16

So, did the exorcism work? Only time will tell. But I will point out that on the day I finished writing the exorcism bit of the newsletter, not only did the Sacramento Kings beat the shit out of the Lakers (suck it, Arik) in Los Angeles (where I will be this weekend for AEW’s Full Gear), but my work villian story came full circle. About six-seven years ago, the sales department surprised us in the newsroom with a Chick-fil-A buffet, complete with chicken, fries, cookies, and more. But I had some stories to write and showtime was approaching, so I put my head down and finished my work. I went to grab some chicken, only to find only fruit left. I protested to my coworkers, who simply told me I was “too slow.” I got punished for doing my job. Well yesterday, sales gave us an unexpected plate of Chick-fil-A, which I eagerly scooped up. We then got a refill in the afternoon, when I grabbed another plate of chicken — the plate I had been denied all those years ago. Oh by the way Aly, in case you’re upset I didn’t talk about you beating me, you can just cry like a baby.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. Footballdamus (8-2)*
2. C’mon Charbie Let’s Go Party (8-2)*
3. It Means Moore (8-2)*
4. Well Damn (7-3)
5. Already Invested $$ (6-4)
6. Sleeping Giants (5-5)
7. Hog Wild (4-6)
8. Three Eyed Ravens (3-7)
9. Channel 4 News Team (3-7)
10. Queen’s Gambit (3-7)
11. Kidney Stone & Wood (3-7)
12. The Krispy Kritters (2-8)

* clinched playoff spot

HUNT FOR THE HELMET:

1. Well Damn (1140.50)
2. Footballdamus (1124.04)
3. Already Invested $$ (1114.90)
4. C’mon Charbie Let’s Go Party (1084.78)
5. Hog Wild (1074.36)
6. Sleeping Giants (1041.26)
7. Three Eyed Ravens (1029.60)
8. Channel 4 News Team (1014.70)
9. Queen’s Gambit (996.70)
10. It Means Moore (961.72)
11. The Krispy Kritters (951.48)
12. Kidney Stone & Wood (818.78)

DRINK PUNISHMENT TRACKER:

1. Jimmy (119.44) –> Aly (55.84) & Ewing (86.14)* [Shot of Fireball]
2. Chriss (146.66) –> Ruben (51.25) [Voodoo Ranger Imperial IPA]
3. Richard (143.68) & Emilio (143.28)** –> Kyle (74.96) [Modelo Especial] and Ruben (74.36) [805]**
4. Richard (124.74) –> Ruben (83.64) & Jimmy (83.18) [Modelo Especial]***
5. Jimmy (180.82) –> Richard (66.34) [Device Brewing Curious Haze]
6. Riaz (138.67) –> Richard (73.32) [Voodoo Ranger Fruit Force IPA]
7. Ewing (135.16) –> Kyle (57.76) [Coors Light]****
8. Chriss (138.16)***** –> Ruben (77.52) [Lagunitas Tiki Fuson Zombie Cocktail-Inspired IPA]******
9. Kyle (133.50) –> Ewing (76.70) [Dominga Mimosa Sour]
10. Chriss (139.36) –> Ruben (65.16) [Stone IPA]*******

* Ewing voluntarily took a shot in shame after losing to Ruben

** Each pair — Richard and Emilio as well as Kyle and Ruben) — was separated by less than a point, so two drink choosers and drinkers were selected. Richard and Emilio each made a selection, while Kyle got to pick which drink to consume

*** Ruben and Jimmy finished within a point of each other, so both had to drink

**** Kyle got to choose the beer, but Ewing requested he shotgun it

***** Dad had a higher score, but he’s not taking part in this side-bet, so the choosing power defaulted to Chriss

****** Ruben drank two of the beers, Stone Cold style, in celebration of Josh McDaniels’ firing

******* Ruben drank two of the beers, because… well… oh shit do I have a problem?

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: You know I’m dealing with demons from Hell when I say this: I have to give this award to… Dad. I know, I’m saying something positive about my father when it comes to fantasy football. Dad’s dropped 140 and 135 points in two of the last three weeks and is a combined seven points away from being on a six-game winning streak. At least one Dominguez is doing well this year.

WORST: About a month after dropping 180 points on Arik, Jimmy appears to be losing steam. Jimmy has lost his last four games, failing to break the 90-point barrier in three of those four occasions. From 4-2 and riding high to 4-6 and trying to fend off a swarm of 3-7 teams gunning for his playoff spot, Jimmy’s poor performances have left him in a tough ending stretch.

TRANSACTION

BEST: Sometimes, the best transactions are the ones we don’t make, or at least the ones that don’t end up going through. I can reveal that a few weeks ago, Emilio offered me Dak Prescott for Aaron Jones straight up. I said no. Jones and the Packers have since been a wet pile of dog shit, while Dak has been stacking up the points. You’re welcome, Emilio, for being dumber than you.

WORST: Given my QB woes this season, I saw Will Levis go off for 26 points against the Falcons and eagerly snatched him up. I thought my troubles were over, but in the two weeks I’ve started him, Levis has gotten me a combined 16 points. I went 1-1 in spite of Levis. Fortunately, I made another QB acquisition that hopefully will actually work out (I probably just jinxed myself. Fuck).

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: Only one person has scored more points than Dad over these past few weeks. That would be Chriss, who’s on a five-game winning streak. This run is thanks in part to decisions like the one he made at QB. In spite of Geno Smith’s horrific day last week, Chriss stuck with him over the solid but consistent Derek Carr. Smith rewarded Chriss with 24 points, while Carr got hurt.

WORST: I saw news of Michael Thomas’ arrest and nearly swapped him out for Jaylen Warren. I also nearly pulled the trigger and put Kyler Murray in for Will Levis. I didn’t do either, which cost me a combined 30 points. Now if you do the math, you’ll realize that’s not enough to reverse the outcome of the matchup. But I wouldn’t have been the lowest scorer and I’m tired of drinking.

LUCK

BEST: Kyle has actually improved his offensive rate. Now, instead of being only ahead of me in terms of total points scored, he’s ahead of both me and Richard… the two worst teams in the league. Oh, and Kyle has won three straight and is one of just three teams to have already clinched a spot in the playoffs. Kyle is the Pittsburgh Steelers of our league (more on that later).

WORST: When we last left Ewing, he had dropped 135 points and was in a playoff position. Now, he’s lost three straight and is barely clinging onto his postseason spot. It’s been a mix of bad play and bad luck during this stretch. It’s like the universe has been heaping on negative karma on Ewing for some reason — maybe there’s an infant chance he’ll get something positive in return.

STATS OF THE MONTH

For us millennials, it seems like Joe Buck and Troy Aikman have been a commentary staple for our entire lives. In a weird sense, they’ve become our version of the Pat Summerall-John Madden duo, which is ironic given that Buck and Aikman have just passed that iconic duo for longest-tenured broadcasting duo in NFL history. While Summerall and Madden were on TV for longer, the two of them were paired up for 21 years. This season marks Buck and Aikman’s 22nd year together. Not all of those years have been as a duo — they debuted together at FOX in 2002 alongside Cris Collinsworth. When Collinsworth left for NBC in 2005, they kept Buck and Aikman together. The two would be the top football commentary team for the network for 20 years, until they were paid multiple Brink’s trucks’ worth of money to move to ESPN. 

Unlike the Summerall-Madden duo, which has become universally beloved (especially in the wake of the passing of both men), Buck and Aikman have largely received a mixed response at best. Buck has been long-criticized for his monotone, “less is more” approach to calling some iconic moments (“caught be Tyree,” anyone?), while Aikam has been described as anywhere from bland to Cowboys homer.” However, especially in recent years, both have begun to receive their due praise. Buck has seemingly mellowed out as the years have gone on, with more of his dry wit and humor shining through. Aikman, meanwhile, has seemingly adopted more of an “IDGAF” persona, which has added some much-needed color to the broadcasts. 

While this may be an indictment of the greater state of NFL broadcasting as a whole, an argument can be made that Buck and Aikman are the best main network commentary duo right now (Kevin Harlan is the current GOAT commentator, but he’s for some reason not on the main team for any network). Jim Nantz is always a gem, but some people are starting to get a little tired of Tony Romo, with his near-universal appeal slowly being eroded. Al Michaels seems like he’s phoning it (which to be fair look at the Thursday night schedule and ask if you can blame him) and Kirk Herbstreit isn’t adding a lot). Collinsworth often takes away from Mike Torico’s solid performance. Kevin Burkhardt and Greg Olsen are probably the future best, but are still working things out). But what may put Buck and Aikman above the rest is the chemistry — you can’t just manufacture two-plus decades’ worth of time together. Even if you don’t think they’re the best, you can’t deny their chemistry definitely sets them apart. Plus, it puts into perspective what’s happening in Houston, given that it’s something neither Buck nor Aikman have seen.

Only one rookie in NFL history — Jim Brown in 1957 — has ever been named MVP. Over the past few weeks, C.J. Stroud has done enough to put himself in the conversation to join that elusive list. Part of that is, admittedly, that pretty much every typical MVP candidate (Pat Mahomes, Josh Allen, Joe Burrow, Jalen Hurts) except for Lamar Jackson is having a down year by their standards and no skill position players outside of maybe Christian McCaffrey are having terrific seasons. However, part of that is also Stroud being fucking incredible by not just rookie QB standards, but by straight up league standards. Stroud has taken the second-worst team in football last season and, without really much of a supporting cast or defense to back him up (hell, a RB has to be Houston’s K for a game), willed the Texans to several impressive victories (including over Burrow’s Cincinnati Bengals). Stroud is simply putting up insane numbers and doing something no one saw coming. 

Now, we still have basically half a season of football remaining. A lot of things have to go right for Stroud to win MVP, which includes the other contenders and their teams taking a step back. Most important is Houston somehow making the playoffs, which isn’t as far-fetched as you’d think. With the AFC North being a thunderdome and likely fighting amongst itself for the Wild Card spots (the Buffalo Bills might have a shot, but they might’ve fucked themselves already), the Texans’ best chance would be through the division. Houston currently sits one game back of the Jaguars in the AFC South and is just ahead of the Colts and Titans. Tennessee is an enigma of sadness and Indianapolis is likely dropping off eventually, meaning Jacksonville is the Texans’ biggest obstacle. Houston killed Jacksonville on the road earlier this year and a rematch will take place in Texas. The Jaguars also have to face the Ravens, Bengals, and Browns, while the Texans’ remaining schedule includes the Arizona Cardinals, Denver Broncos, New York Jets, and two games against the Titans. Houston definitely has a good chance to boost Stroud’s campaign.

Another thing making Stroud’s season more impressive — he’s doing this in a season where rookie QBs are being asked to perform at unprecedented levels. We’re only through Week 10, yet we’ve already seen more rookie QBs start a game this year than any other year in league history. In case you’re wondering, those players are Bryce Young (1st overall pick), C.J. Stroud (2nd), Anthony Richardson (4th), Will Levis (33rd), Aidan O’Connell (135th), Clayton Tune (139th), Dorian Thompson-Robinson (140th), Jaren Hall (164th), Tyson Bagent (undrafted), and Tommy DeVito (undrafted). Given that 14 total QBs were actually selected in the draft, this list could grow. Tanner McKee (Eagles) and Hendon Hooker (Lions) could get a start late in the season if their teams have their playoff position secured, while Jake Haener (Saints) and Sean Clifford (Packers) could get a nod if their teams are dead and buried in the final weeks. The only two rookie QBs I don’t see having a realistic shot at starting (barring injury, of course) are both in Los Angeles. The Chargers will likely be fighting for their lives throughout the rest of the season (and they apparently have an allergic reaction to starting anyone but Justin Herbert), so Max Duggan will likely ride the pine. Meanwhile, Stetson Bennett isn’t even with the Rams right now, having stepped away from the team due to personal reasons. 

There is currently no better story in the NFL than Josh Dobbs. Taken in the 4th round of the 2017 Draft, Dobbs bounced around benches and practice squads for five teams. Arizona became Team No. 6 in the off-season, getting him and a 7th round pick from the Browns in exchange for a 5th round pick. While the Cardinals were expected to be the worst team in the league, they instead were largely competitive in most of their games, including beating the Dallas Cowboys. Dobbs’ unexpectedly solid play (including a three-TD performance against the Ravens in his last game in the desert) was a major reason why. Then Dobbs was traded to Minnesota after the Vikings lost Kirk Cousins. Forced into action due to Jaren Hall’s injury and not even knowing the playbook, Dobbs unexpectedly balled out in Atlanta, leading Minnesota to a comeback in over the Falcons (and becoming the first player with consecutive three-TD games for different teams). Dobbs then helped the Vikings beat the New Orleans Saints and is the reason their playoff hopes are alive.

Because of the spotlight being shown on him, Dobbs has also seen some of his personal life become popularized. In addition to being an NFL QB (and generally a good guy), Dobbs also majored in aerospace engineering, earning the incredible nickname “The Passtronaut.” Dobbs’ work to spread awareness of his condition, alopecia, has also received a greater audience. I’m not sure whether or not Dobbs is more deserving of Comeback POY or Most Improved POY, but Dobbs’ efforts should be awarded in some capacity. His play has definitely been one of the most unexpected developments of the season, which includes the following…

The Steelers have been outgained by everyone they’ve played so far this season, which includes the Las Vegas Raiders, Cleveland Browns, Green Bay Packers, and Tennessee Titans. Pittsburgh is averaging 278.5 yards per game, the franchise’s lowest total since 1990 (Chuck Noll’s second-to-last season). The Steelers have gone 56 consecutive games without surpassing 400 yards of offense, the longest stretch since the 2005-10 Raiders, which are some of the worst football teams I’ve ever seen. The Steelers are 6-3 and sit just one game back of the Ravens in the AFC North standings. Oh baby, I’m sure Ewing loves these stats. Also, holy shit, Reggie White.

As someone with a little sibling, I know T.J. is gonna bring this fact up at every family gathering with J.J. from now until the end of time.

So… let’s talk about the Raiders.

MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT

In the last newsletter, I painted perhaps my most bleak picture ever of the Raiders, one where an awful team was even more awful to watch and the locker room was being divided and held back by an inept, moronic asshole who would remain in place because the nepo-baby owner was content to cling onto the past in his shiny new stadium. Then the Lions game happened and the Raiders officially became the laughing stock of football, showing the NFL world that they were exactly what I thought they were. The following day was Halloween, so I was able to hide my shame beneath my Bob Ross costume and fill the void in my heart with candy. As I was driving home from work later that night (I had to stay later due to Game 4 of the World Series), I got an alert on my phone. At a red light, I pulled up the message and saw the most unexpected, beautiful, uplifting piece of news I’ve read in a long time. 

JOSH MCDANIELS AND DAVE ZIEGLER, GET THE FUCK OUT!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Holy shit, if the newsletter had come out a week later, it would’ve been one of the most legendary things I would’ve ever written. This is our Super Bowl.

A lot has been said about McDaniels’ tenure in Las Vegas, especially by me. But if you want to see just how negatively he impacted the Raiders, just look at how the players are acting now. They’re happy, acting positively in the locker room and on the sidelines. This actually feels like a team. This has got to be the biggest “addition by subtraction” move in NFL history, an example of a tumor being removed to save the organization. Much like cancer, McDaniels has done harm to the organization through gutting the roster and generally putting the Raiders in a worse position than they were when he took over. It was mind-bottling to me that he even got another head coaching gig in the first place and head-scratching that he lasted this long. Ziegler was just a puppet of McDaniels (see the report about signing Jimmy Garoppolo), so he had to go, too. I’ve given Mark Davis plenty of shit for hiring McDaniels and standing by as he destroyed the team. But I also have to give kudos to him for swallowing his pride, admitting he made a mistake, and making the necessary change for the good of the team.

There’s the old saying, “once a Raider, always a Raider.” I motion that we make a rare exception and ignore that saying for McDaniels (and, subsequently, Ziegler). Even considering all of his bullshit and bad decisions, McDaniels could have at least fallen back on trying to restore the Raiders’ winning ways. But as it turns out, the Raiders aren’t exactly McDaniels’ favorite team. During the now-infamous meeting that “broke” McDaniels, he asked an assistant to speak on his behalf. That assistant reportedly brought up the 2007 New York Giants squad that beat the New England Patriots (of which McDaniels was a part of). Although that story was a success, McDaniels told that assistant to never speak ill of the Patriots again. To be so chicken shit as to put another team above your own during a meeting where your leadership has come under fire is absolutely obscene. Fuck Josh McDaniels — may his name forever be shunned from the Silver and Black and used only as an example of how not to have pride for Raider Nation. 

What’s funny is that after kicking McDaniels and Ziegler to the curb, the Raiders essentially pulled the classic “new divorcee” move of changing their attitude and style to a nearly 180-degree. Much of that comes from the man they’ve chosen to (at least temporarily) replace McDaniels, who just happens to be that coach who brought up Super Bowl XLII.

No one will argue that Antonio Pierce can go toe-to-toe in X’s and O’s with the likes of Bill Belichick and Andy Reid (at least not this early into his career). But honestly coaches who are only strong in that aspect often fail at their jobs (just look at McDaniels). Even in this advanced statistical era of football, head coaches still need to be leaders of men. Just look at Dan Campbell — he lets his assistants do the numbers and scheming, while sticking to sheer motivation and personality. Because of this, Detroit has become one of the best teams in the league. Pierce gives me that same vibe of someone hired to change the attitude and culture in a positive direction. Pierce drives a candy apple red ’64 Chevy Impala, hands out victory cigars in the locker room, and blasts N.W.A. at practice (he is, literally, straight outta Compton). The dude just looks and feels like a Raider. McDaniels never even came close to reaching that bar.

(Also, shoutout to the Raiders for making Pierce, Champ Kelly, and Sandra Douglas the first all-black leadership group in the NFL. Never a doubt — the Silver and Black are the most progressive franchise in the league)

What’s important about all of this is the organization is showing its players (current and future) that they care about setting a culture, one that’s not a “Patriot Way” rip-off. What’s also important is that it’s working. The Raiders have changed their brand of football to smash mouth (which makes sense, given Josh Jacobs is on the roster). Rod Farva has taken over the reigns at QB and (while he still holds onto the ball too long sometimes) hasn’t fucked up and is gaining confidence and experience. Even though Davante Adams isn’t as productive as he should be, his mood has improved by 100%, which is a fucking relief. The defense is straight up thriving, with Robert Spillane stepping up and making it not just “Maxx Crosby and ten other dudes.” All of this has produced results — the Raiders are 2-0 since Pierce took over. Granted, Las Vegas has played the Giants and Jets (two of the worst offenses in the NFL), with both games against the New York squads coming at home. But I speak for all Raiders fans when I say McDaniels probably would’ve found a way to lose at least one of those games. After all that’s happened this season, 5-5 after ten games seems pretty good.

Now, does this realistically change my expectations for this season? No way. This is still not a good Raiders team, which the next two games (against the Miami Dolphins and Kansas City Chiefs) will more than likely show. But this the best the Raiders have looked all season and they have a fighting chance, which I couldn’t say earlier because the Raiders had no fight under McDaniels. Honestly, this is the most this franchise has felt like “the Raiders” since even before Jon Gruden returned. While the present day Raiders may not be world beaters yet, the future finally looks bright. That was at the heart of all of my bitching in the previous newsletter. With that somehow being fixed and the spirit of the Raiders finally back, I’ve rarely been as excited to just ride the wave and see where this team goes. 

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 16, 2008, two future playoff opponents would make NFL history in the regular season… history that should not in fact have happened. Going into the 2008 season, both the Pittsburgh Steelers and San Diego Chargers were expected to be playoff contenders in the AFC. Pittsburgh had won Super Bowl XL three years earlier, but hadn’t won a playoff game since. San Diego had finished 14-2 two years earlier and made the AFC Championship Game the following season, but were eliminated by the New England Patriots each time. Both teams also had head coaches in their second season in charge, Mike Tomlin and Norv Turner, respectively. The Steelers came out of the gates hot, as Ben Roethlisberger (who had just signed an eight-year, $102M deal in the off-season) led them to a 5-1 record. However, Pittsburgh then lost two of its next three games, both at home (granted, those defeats came at the hands of the two most recent Super Bowl Champions, the New York Giants and Indianapolis Colts). Looking to bounce back, the Steelers welcomed the Chargers for a Week 11 showdown. Philip Rivers had been playing as well as his Pittsburgh counterpart, but hadn’t seen the same success. San Diego started out 3-5 and, after a bye week, narrowly eked out a home win over a Kansas City Chiefs squad that would finish 2-14. Going into Heinz Field, not many gave the Chargers a chance.

The first sign of things being squirrely was the fact that kickoff on that November day saw snow flurries and wind gusts worthy of the holidays. The weather didn’t let up and neither did the play it caused. Troy Polamalu picked off Rivers four plays into the game, only for the Steelers to miss a FG. The Chargers’ offense kept on rolling, with LaDainian Tomlinson plunging into the end zone from three yards out to open the scoring. Pittsburgh would march down to San Diego’s one-yard line in response, only to be stonewalled on 4th and Goal. But three plays later, Rivers had the ball knocked from his grasp; while a lineman recovered it, the ball was in the end zone, resulting in a safety for the Steelers. Both offenses pretty much died for the rest of the half, with the only offense being a FG that came off another Rivers INT and the score being 7-5 at the break. The second half saw another Steelers FG to go up 8-7. San Diego responded with their own FG attempt, which was missed. But after forcing a punt, the Chargers embarked on a mammoth 17-play drive that resulted in a successful FG with just over six minutes left to play. Pittsburgh then put together a 13-play drive of their own that saw a Willie Parker TD nullified due to holding. However, the Steelers were able to kick a FG with 15 seconds left to take the lead.

After the kickoff, the Chargers were left with one shot — 79 yards away from the end zone. They tried the “multilateral” method, with Rivers hitting Tomlinson, who then lateralled the ball to Chris Chambers. Chambers then tried to lateral it back again, but the ball hawk Polamalu ran in to knock it down, then pick it up and scamper into the end zone to apparently end the game. While it seemed like all that needed to be done for everything to wrap up was for Pittsburgh to kick an extra point, the referees got together and made things unnecessarily complicated. After going to the video review, the officials actually reversed the play, ruling that Chambers threw the ball forward and calling the ball dead after an illegal forward pass. Polamalu, who was not touched down, had his TD taken away. However, after the game the referees looked back at the play again and realized that the TD should have counted, admitting their error but noting that the overall outcome would not have changed. Still, the incorrect call remains significant in NFL history for a statistical reason. Instead of finishing 17-10 or 18-10 (relatively common scores), the final score for the game was 11-10. Not only was this much rarer, but it was the first time in NFL history that a game ended 11-10 (there had been nearly 13,000 NFL games played at the time). The fact that this shouldn’t have been the final score remains one of the great statistical oddities.

After failing to score a TD against a sub-.500 team (yet still winning), Pittsburgh would only lose once more during the regular season, finishing with a 12-4 record and the No. 2 seed in the AFC. Their opponent in the Divisional Round was an unexpected one: San Diego. After scoring a TD and not letting their opponent in the end zone (yet still losing), the Chargers would lose again to fall to 4-8. However, they would win their final four games to finish 8-8. That run, combined with a late collapse by the Denver Broncos, allowed San Diego to win an absolutely terrible AFC West. In the Wild Card Round, the Chargers rallied to force OT against the Colts, then went on to win 23-17 and earn a rematch with the Steelers. In a much better, normal, high-scoring game, the Steelers would make it 2/2 against the Chargers, winning 35-24. That result also kept an unusual streak going — the Chargers franchise was now 0-14 all-time against the Steelers in games in Pittsburgh. That drought would stretch to 0-15 the following season before the Chargers finally got their first win in the Steel City in 2012. Meanwhile, Pittsburgh would keep on winning until the end, topping the Arizona Cardinals to win Super Bowl XLIII and earn their second title in four years. As for the 11-10 oddity, it would remain the only game to finish with that exact score until Week 3 of last year, when the Broncos beat the San Francisco 49ers in a legitimate 11-10 final.

OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:

— 2008: The Cincinnati Bengals miss a FG with seconds left in OT, resulting in a 13-13 tie with the Philadelphia Eagles, much to the now-infamous surprise of QB Donovan McNabb 

— 1997: The Philadelphia Eagles and Baltimore Ravens both miss FGs in OT and end up tying 10-10 — yes, the Eagles have played a tie game twice on the same day on the calendar

— 1982: The NFL and NFLPA announce a settlement to end the 57-day players strike, which didn’t accomplish much (see the 1987 strike) except shorten the regular season to nine games

A PREMATURE DEATH, 20 YEARS LATER

What if I told you the best piece of football fiction wasn’t Remember the Titans or Any Given Sunday or Rudy or Varsity Blues or The Longest Yard or North Dallas Forty or even Friday Night Lights (the show or the movie)? What if I told you it was actually a mid-2000’s show on ESPN that only lasted 11 episodes and was so good, it was canceled after just one season? Yes, you read that correctly. The last of those 11 episodes debuted 20 years ago this past weekend, so what better time to bring up this piece of brilliant football media that’s been just about lost to time, just like the NFL wanted.

Let’s talk about Playmakers.

Playmakers was the first ever drama series created by ESPN. It follows the various members of the Cougars, a fictional pro football team in a fictional league (referred to as “The League”). Stars include LB Eric Olczyk (played by the “cupcake” guy from the new Star Trek films), RBs Demetrius Harris (played by Cuba Gooding Jr.’s little brother, Omar) and Leon Taylor, OT Kelvin James, QB Derek McConnell, WR Thad Guerwicz, and head coach Mike George. I’d call this a colorful cast of characters, but “colorful” just barely describes them. While you might think an ESPN-produced show would be campy and full of typical sports character tropes, this was back when the network had some balls — they went full 2000’s HBO on this series, making the Cougars face a pile of tough, uncomfortable issues that would make the 2021 Raiders blush. 

Olczyk is probably the most likable member of the Cougars — in addition to sleeping with a teammate’s wife and sucker-punching his QB over a different woman, he becomes disillusioned with football after accidentally paralyzing an opposing player. Taylor deals with being an older player and a domestic violence incident while taking PED’s to keep his starting spot from Harris, whose self-inflicted drug, alcohol, and legal woes threaten to derail his young career. James gets sucked into Harris’ bullshit while dealing with diabetes and weight issues. McConnell is a womanizer with a painkiller addiction. Guerwicz is a closeted gay man (keep in mind, this is 20 years ago) who is eventually outed). George bullies team doctors into clearing his players, while hiding his own cancer diagnosis from the team. The Cougars must deal with these and other plot threads (including the team’s extremely unlikable owner, major injuries, a potential affair with a sideline reporter, drug tests, a murder, contract negotiations, and Harris’ brother [played by fucking Snoop Dogg] being shot) while trying to rebound from a tough start to the season and make the playoffs (which leads to, quite frankly, a fucking incredible ending). 

Again, this program was not made by HBO, which was breaking ground with shows like The Sopranos, The Wire, Six Feet Under, and Oz at the time Playmakers aired. This was made by ESPN, which would go on to put out the likes of Dream Job, Knight School, and Stump the Schwab in the immediate years to come. So given the fact that ESPN typically doesn’t do well with fictional drama and the sheer volume of taboo content in the show, you’d probably imagine that Playmakers wouldn’t exactly light up the ratings board or appeal to critics. Turns out, Playmakers was as popular with everyone as the Raiders’ firing of Josh McDaniels was as popular with Raiders fans.

During its run from August 26 to November 11, 2003, Playmakers was ESPN’s highest-rated show outside of Sunday Night Football (which was on the network at the time) and Saturday college football games. The only thing the general public wanted to watch more than fake football was real football. Critics also had an eye for the show, which currently has an 8.4/10 rating on IMDb (which is higher than Loki, The Walking Dead, Ahsoka, Billions, and Frasier). The American Film Institute named Playmakers its Top TV Series of 2003 (beating the HBO shows mentioned above, among others), while GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) gave the show its Media Award for Outstanding Drama Series. Now to be fair, there are more than a few plot threads and scenes that don’t hold up well today. But critically and commercially, Playmakers definitely hit the mark and has the recognition to show it.

So if Playmakers was a ratings bonanza and killing it critically, why did ESPN pull the plug after just one season? As it happens, there was one group that didn’t exactly like the way the show had portrayed football players — the NFL. While the show never mentioned the NFL by name and didn’t base the Cougars on any specific team (although they did use the Detroit Lions’ color scheme), then-commissioner Paul Tagliabue actually complained to Michael Eisner, then-CEO of Walt Disney, which owned ESPN. Essentially, the NFL didn’t like that such a popular show portrayed football players in situations involving things like drugs/alcohol, domestic violence, and other tough subjects. Tagliabue even called it a “gross mischaracterization of our sport.” That’s despite… you know… NFL players actually being involved in things like drugs/alcohol, domestic violence, and other tough subjects before, during, and after the show aired. What Playmakers did was actually tell the truth while giving a compelling (albeit fictionalized) glance at the gritty, behind-the-scenes life of “glamorous” pro athletes. However, money, power, and broadcasting rights won out in the end — in February 2004, ESPN announced Playmakers was canceled. 

To say the decision was unpopular would be to say the Raiders hiring McDaniels in the first place was unpopular with Raiders fans. As the NFL and football in general becomes even more popular, calls for a Playmakers revival keep popping up. However, despite us being in the golden age of TV, given the growing power of the NFL and hopes of streaming future games, it’s unlikely this gem will ever get to shine again. However, if you want to check out Playmakers for yourself, you can do so. You just have to know where to look…

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 CURSES IN SPORTS HISTORY

Congrats are in order for the Texas Rangers, who finally exercised the demons of David Freese, Nelson Cruz, and everyone else who played a significant role in the franchise’s previous 61 years of not winning the World Series. After losing 196 games over the previous two seasons, the Rangers of 2023 lost both Jacob deGrom and Max Scherzer to injury, blew a metric fuck ton of saves, and choked away the AL West title during the final weekend of the season. Naturally, Texas then proceeded to sweep both the Tampa Bay Rays and Baltimore Orioles (the teams with the two best records in the AL), eliminate the defending champion Houston Astros (the beneficiary of the Rangers’ division choke job), and simply overpower the Arizona Diamondbacks to win their first ever World Series, going a record 11-0 on the road in the postseason. Baseball.

Perhaps even crazier was the fact that the aforementioned Diamondbacks made it to the Fall Classic as well. Arizona (who lost 110 games two years ago) barely made the playoffs on the final day of the season before sweeping both the Milwaukee Brewers and the Los Angeles Dodgers, then taking out the Philadelphia Phillies and their fucking crazy crowd. This World Series was contested between two wild card teams that lost 100+ games two years ago, with those teams having the seventh- and third-longest longest odds of any to reach the Fall Classic since 1985.

But perhaps even more insane than what took place during the World Series is what happened in the Japan Series. In a thrilling seven-game affair, the Hanshin Tigers defeated the defending champion Orix Buffaloes to become Japan’s champions of baseball. There are many significant notes about the series, including the fact that their stadiums are just 7.5 miles apart and Hanshin’s manager was not only a former player (who was a part of the Tigers’ previous title-winning team), but had returned to baseball for the first time in 11 years after previously managing Orix of all teams. However, the most significant fact is that this was Hanshin’s second ever title and first since 1985, with the 38-year drought being the second-longest in Japanese baseball (the Hiroshima Toyo Carp last won in 1984). That drought has been blamed on what’s been known as the Curse of the Colonel, with the Tigers’ victory breaking a sports curse involving a statue of Colonel Sanders that spent nearly a quarter of a century at the bottom of a river. (Also, shoutout to the KT Wiz, who won their first Korean Series since 1994!)

So, in the spirit of what I’m trying to accomplish by ending the Curse of Ruben Dominguez Watching His Favorite Teams Lose In Person, this got me thinking about some of sports’ most famous and seemingly effective curses. You’ve probably heard of a few of these curses, namely those involving certain baseball teams. But the sports world is much bigger than that and full of apparently supernatural powers keeping certain teams from winning championships. In fact, there are so many good options that I’ve had to create some rules. For one, I’m not counting curses against specific cities, such as Atlanta, Cleveland, Detroit, Minneapolis, and San Diego. Those are a little too generic and (with the exception of Atlanta) largely can’t be blamed on one event or thing. Plus, I’ve already talked extensively about Atlanta and don’t want to go into it again. Also, so-called “curses” like the Super Bowl hangover, Presidents’ Trophy Curse, and Andretti Curse are simply the effects of certain aspects of sports highlighted in a hyper-specific manner.

For these kinds of curses, I’m looking for overall impact, length, cause, uniqueness, and list of peculiar instances blamed on the curse. Just missing the cut are the Curse of 1940, Curse of Rocky Colavito, Curse of Bela Guttmann, Neverkusen, Curse of Coogan’s Bluff, Curse of Tilcara, Curse of the Black Sox, and of course Lil B’s BasedGod’s Curse. In addition, there are several soccer clubs — Derby County, Birmingham City, Hibernian — that have endured lengthy trophy-less periods after either building their stadiums on gypsy land or generally fucking with gypsies. So if you take anything from this bizarre section, let it be this: don’t fuck with gypsies.

HONORABLE MENTION: BILL BARILKO’S BONES

In 1951, Bill Barilko scored the Stanley Cup-winning goal for the Maple Leafs in OT. A few months later, he and his dentist flew to a small town in Northern Quebec for a fishing trip. Their return flight never made it home and no one knew exactly what happened. Although Toronto had won four of the past five Stanley Cups, they proceeded to suck until 1962, when they won their first championship in 11 years. Less than two months later, a helicopter pilot discovered the lost wreckage from Barilko’s plane crash, officially bringing closure to the tragic incident.

HONORABLE MENTION: BILLY PENN’S PENANCE

In Philadelphia, there was a gentleman’s agreement that no building would be built taller than the William Penn statue atop City Hall. That changed in 1987, when the One Liberty Place skyscraper was completed. For the next 20 years, Philadelphia Sports teams made a combined five championship game appearances, only to lose all of them (in addition to a ton of semi-final round spots). Then in 2007, a William Penn statue was fixed atop the Comcast Center (the new tallest building in the city). The year later, the Phillies won the World Series to break the curse.

HONORABLE MENTION: AARON RAMSEY KILLS CELEBRITIES

Aaron Ramsey is a solid if not slightly overpaid midfielder for Cardiff City. However, he carries with him a long, bizarre curse — whenever Ramsey scores, a celebrity dies just days or even minutes later. Of his nearly 80 career goals, around two dozen of them have been followed by a celebrity death. Notable names who passed away after Ramsey goals include David Bowie, Whitney Houston, Osama bin Laden, Steve Jobs, Muammar Gaddafi, Robin Williams, Richard Attenborough, Alan Rickman, Nancy Reagan, Olivia Newton John, and Steve Harwell. 

HONORABLE MENTION: THE TASTE OF GOLD

South Korea won both the 1956 and 1960 AFC Asian Cups — the most prestigious national soccer tournament in Asia. They hosted the 1960 edition, but when the players went to receive their gold medals, they discovered they were fake (a corrupt official stole the real gold). No one from the Korean FA took responsibility, and South Korea has yet to win another Asian Cup since then (they have made and lost four finals). The Korean FA has tried to undo the curse by giving real gold medals to the surviving players from 1960, though that effort hasn’t been completed. 

HONORABLE MENTION: THE HONEY BEARS

The Bears are one of seven NFL teams that don’t have cheerleaders. If many of their fans are to be believed, that absence is why Chicago has waited nearly 40 years for another title. Back in 1976, George Halas decided to implement a cheerleading squad, dubbed the “Honey Bears.” They quickly grew popular as the team got better, with Chicago winning Super Bowl XX. But right after the game, the Bears pulled the plug on the Honey Bears. Due to the squad’s overall treatment during their existence (and their surprise firing), many believe a curse is in place.

HONORABLE MENTION: PAR THREE, WIN ZERO

The Masters is arguably the most prestigious golf tournament in the world. Each year, Augusta National Golf Club hosts a Par 3 contest before the tournament. However, despite it being largely for fun and in a prestigious place, many players don’t want to take part in the pre-Masters contest. That’s because no one has ever won both the Par 3 contest and the Masters in the same year. Raymond Floyd came the closest in 1990, but blew a four-stroke lead with six holes to play. Only 11 golfers have even won both competitions at any point in their careers. 

10. WON’T BE CAUGHT ON COVERS

This one’s a two-fer, with both parts of this entry being pieces of media where athletes don’t want to be on the cover, or else risk bad things happening to them. Let’s start with Sports Illustrated, which began publication in 1954. The first examples of bad luck befalling athletes date back to 1960, so the curse has been going on for more than 60 years. The curse doesn’t always strike right away, but even then truly terrible things have happened to cover athletes. It doesn’t matter what sport is featured on the cover — the athlete has shockingly often lost, underperformed, been injured, or even worse. While this cover jinx has somewhat faded into obscurity due to the decline of print media, the same can’t be said for the Madden cover jinx. Since NFL players replaced John Madden on the cover of the game, each edition has seemingly always seen players decline, get injured, or worse the following season. Strong performances by Tom Brady and Pat Mahomes have largely put the curse to bed, although John Allen seems to be giving it a strong revival.

9. TERRIFYING TALLADEGA

In the 1960’s, NASCAR CEO Bill France was looking to build a faster and longer track than the Daytona International Speedway. The end result was the Talladega Superspeedway. But that pursuit of speed has come with a cost. Cars (eventually surpassing 200 mph) crashed in some spectacular ways, with Bobby Allison’s famous wreck in 1987 forcing NASCAR to enter the restrictor plate era out of fear of drivers being killed. Even so, the track still remains famous for “The Big One” — a seemingly inevitable huge crash that takes out a big chunk of the field. But beyond the speed shenanigans, the Talladega Curse truly takes form in the sheer number of weird and eerie things that have happened at the speedway (supposedly due to a Native American curse). These range from deaths and other tragic incidents to acts of mechanical sabotage. Perhaps the most famous example is Bobby Isaac, who randomly parked his car during the 1973 race and quit because he reportedly “heard a voice” telling him to do so.

8. I’M TOO UNDERWATER TO TASTE THIS CHICKEN

Come on, you didn’t think I would just drop the Curse of the Colonel on you without explaining what exactly the hell happened, did you? In 1985, the Hanshin Tigers won their first ever Japan Series largely due to the efforts of American slugger Randy Bass. During a riotous celebration, a fan resembling each member of the team was chucked into the Dotonbori River. Lacking a fan that looked like Bass, the crowd grabbed a plastic statue of Colonel Sanders from a nearby KFC and threw it in instead. While that is objectively hilarious, one person who didn’t find this funny was Colonel Sanders himself, reportedly sparking the curse in his anger. What followed was a lot of losing, dotted with three Japan Series appearances (all losses). In 2009, the statue itself was removed from the river by a dive team, although it was missing its glasses and left hand. After some more losing, Hansin finally broke the curse about two weeks ago. During the ensuing celebration, a Tigers fan cosplaying as Colonel Sanders was thrown in the river.

7. A GRUFF RECEPTION

One of at least three entries on this list you’ve heard of before, the Curse of the Billy Goat is one of the most famous curses in sports history. But do you know the full story? While the Chicago Cubs hadn’t won a World Series since 1908, they had won seven pennants afterwards, including in 1945. It seemed like the main title drought would end that year, with the Cubs up 2-1 going into Game 4 at Wrigley Field (where every remaining game would be played). During the game, Billy Sianis — owner of Chicago’s Billy Goat Tavern — was asked to leave because his pet goat, Murphy, was bothering people. An outraged Sianis allegedly declared the Cubs “ain’t gonna win no more.” Chicago would lose three of the last four games to miss out on the title and would not even reach another World Series until winning the title in 2016, on the 46th anniversary of Sianis’ death. During that 71-year stretch (and 108-year overall drought), the Cubs experienced a black cat, Steve Bartman, Daniel Murphy, and plenty of heartbreaking moments (as well as losses).

6. LIONS LOSE LAYNE, WIN NOTHING

In 1957, the Detroit Lions won the NFL title despite losing Bobby Layne — arguably the best QB in the league — to injury late in the season. Instead of counting their blessings, Detroit decided Layne (who had led the Lions to two prior titles) was expendable and shipped him to the Steelers two games into the 1958 season. On his way to Pittsburgh, Layne reportedly said the Lions “would not win for 50 years.” Since the trade, the Lions have only won one playoff game in the following 65 years and have the worst record of any of the 12 teams in the NFL at the time. On the 50th anniversary of the curse (2008), Detroit posted the first 0-16 record in NFL history. That same season, Pittsburgh won the Super Bowl, three years after winning one at Ford Field in Detroit. In 2009, Detroit drafted Matt Stafford, who went to the same high school as Layne. Last year on Peyton’s Places, Peyton Manning and Jeff Daniels attempted to lift the curse — since the episode aired, the Lions are 14-4, sparking hope that the attempt worked. 

5. WORLD CUP WITCH DOCTOR

These next two entries come from the land Down Under, starting with Australia’s national soccer team. In 1970, the Socceroos were trying to qualify for their first FIFA World Cup. Before a qualifying match in Mozambique, some players sought the help of a witch doctor, who placed a curse on their opponents. Australia won, but the players couldn’t come up with the money to pay the witch doctor, who subsequently reversed the curse on them. Australia would fail to make the 1970 edition of the tournament, as well as every edition through 2002 (except 1974, when they failed to even score a single goal). In several of these qualifying attempts, Australia made it to the last round and were even winning, only to fall at the final hurdle. In 2004, an episode of John Safran vs. God saw another Mozambique witch doctor hired to channel the spirit of the first and reverse the curse. This apparently worked — Australia not only qualified for the 2006 World Cup, but made the knockout stages. Australia has also qualified for every single World Cup since.

4. A DEMONIC WAIT

The sport with “Australia” in its name — Australian rules football — also has a few notable curses, with the biggest one surrounding one of the greatest coaches in the sport’s history. Under Norm Smith, Melbourne FC won six premierships in a decade-long stretch from 1955-64. However, among other behind-the-scenes issues, management was concerned that Smith (who also won four titles for the Demons as a player) was becoming bigger than the club. Even so, it came as a seismic shock when Smith was fired during the 1965 season by the defending champs… by mail… the day before a match. Fan outrage was fucking nuclear, so much so that Smith was reinstated in less than a week. However, the damage was done. Smith only lasted until 1967 and Melbourne would not win another title for nearly six decades. During that stretch, Melbourne only made two Grand Finals while finishing last in the league seven times. Finally, in 2021, Melbourne won their first AFL title in 57 years. By the way, Smith was 57 when he died.

3. CURSED CONDIMENT

For the first and only time in newsletter history, it’s time to talk about Gaelic football. The Sam Maguire Cup is awarded to the team that wins the All-Ireland Senior Football Championship — the most prestigious Gaelic football competition. In 1951, the Cup was won by Mayo GAA for the second year in a row. On their way home, Mayo allegedly failed to act with proper respect for a funeral procession. Angered, the presiding priest cursed Mayo to never win another Cup until its entire team was dead. Since then, Mayo has reached the final of the competition 11 times — including six from 2012-21. Not only have they fallen short each time, but in many of those instances Mayo has lost in some of the most freaky, heartbreaking choke jobs imaginable. Even a plea to Pope Benedict XVI by then-Taoiseach (head of Ireland’s government) Enda Kenny in 2012 failed to move the sports gods. This past April, the final living member of Mayo’s 1951 title-winning team, Mick Loftus, passed away. If Mayo wins the 2024 title this rises straight to No. 1.

2. THAT WIMPY DEER

You all know this one. The most famous curse in sports history centers on arguably the greatest baseball player ever, Babe Ruth, who won three World Series with the Boston Red Sox from 1915-18. But despite Ruth’s star being on the rise, in 1920, Red Sox owner, New York native, and noted asshole Harry Frazee sold Ruth to the rival yankees for cash. To say the move was a catastrophic failure would be a gross understatement. In New York, Ruth became a legend and helped the yankees become arguably the most famous in all of sports. Back in Boston, the Curse of the Bambino didn’t become lore until a book by other noted asshole Dan Shaugnessy. But it took effect for nearly nine decades. For the most part, the Red Sox sucked. When they didn’t, Boston came heartbreakingly close to winning it all, only to fall in some of the most famous choke jobs of all time. It took until 2004 (86 years later) and the Red Sox rallying from down 0-3 in the ALCS against the yankees themselves, to finally win the World Series again.

1. SEVEN BLACK CATS

If you read my World Cup of Hate project, you know about this curse. But since I know none of you did, I’ll repeat myself. From 1949-66, Racing Club was one of the best soccer teams in Argentina, winning six titles in that span. The following year, Racing won the Copa Libertadores and Intercontinental Cup. As they were celebrating, fans of rival club Independiente broke into Racing’s stadium and buried the bodies of seven dead cats throughout the grounds. Afterwards, Racing seemingly made suffering an art form, failing to win the league (or really any trophy) while getting relegated and watching Independiente have one of its most successful eras. Eventually, the bodies of six of the cats were discovered and removed, but Racing kept losing (and even declared bankruptcy). Finally in 2001, a comprehensive search of the stadium uncovered the seventh and final cat body. Later that year, Racing finally won its first league championship after 35 years. It’s bizarre, hate-filled, effective, and has a beginning and end, so it gets the top spot.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

IT MEANS MOORE (8-2) VS. WELL DAMN (7-3)

With major reservations about over-glorifying these two teams, this matchup is basically what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. Well Damn has the longest winning streak in the league and is seemingly scoring at will. It Means Moore can’t really score but is still tied for the best record in the league. Something has to give. On paper, Chriss’ lineup should absolutely destroy Kyle’s. But there’s a reason why Kyle has been seemingly unkillable this year. This potential playoff preview could end up deciding some postseason seeding

SLEEPING GIANTS (5-5) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (2-8)

In stark contrast to the matchup above, this one may be a case of the unstoppable force vs. movable object. Sleeping Giants are on a scoring tear, while the Krispy Kritters are on the longest losing streak in the league. Ricahrd’s lineup just hasn’t been able to consistently score together, while Dad’s has been able to score at will in recent weeks. Dad needs this win to improve his record, while Richard needs at least one more win to ensure that he doesn’t finish in last place. Dad, as your son who might have the worst team in the league, I need you to come through here.

C’MON CHARBIE LET’S GO PARTY (8-2) VS. HOG WILD (4-6)

It’s been a minute since C’mon Charbie Let’s Go Party wasn’t in first place. Is this the start of the famous Nick season-ending losing streak, or can he rebound and gain his momentum back? Fortunately for him, he’s getting a seemingly perfect “get right” opponent in Hog Wild, which has begun a lengthy losing streak of its own. Jimmy will be getting his Dolphins back and will likely benefit from plenty of points, at the expense of his Raiders. But should a certain Dolphin — Jaylen Waddle — be thrown the ball instead, it will help Nick get back to his (surprisingly) winning ways.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (8-2) VS. QUEEN’S GAMBIT (3-7)

After successfully dispatching one of the worst teams in the league, Queen’s Gambit now gets to face one of the best. Footballdamus is back in first place and looks to stay there with a win over a team on the opposite half of the standings. Aly’s team usually goes how the Bills go, which really hasn’t been good this year. This week, Buffalo is facing the Jets, who beat them in Week 1. New York could also give Riaz a boost with Breece Hall, while the combination of Justin Herbert and Keenan Allen is facing a bad defense in Green Bay. Aly may have to go back to the crib of losing.

ALREADY INVESTED $$ (6-4) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (3-7)

It’s the battle of the league’s newest father vs. someone who… well… just wait for two more paragraphs. Anyway, Already Invested $$ has been on a tear recently, establishing himself as a potential dark horse for the championship. Three Eyed Ravens are the defending champs, but with the way things are going, Ewing may not get a chance to defend his title in the playoffs. Ewing will need Pat Mahomes, Deebo Samuel, David Montgomgery, and the Jets defense to step up, because Dak Prescott, the 49ers defense, and D.K. Metcalf should feed Emilio points.

KIDNEY STONE & WOOD (3-7) VS. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (3-7)

At this point, I’ve accepted the fact that I will not get to avenge last year’s playoff defeat. Instead, my new goal is for Kidney Stone & Wood to not finish in last place. The humiliation of going first to worst and receiving the Jop would probably be too much to bear. I need at least one and probably two wins to ensure that doesn’t happen. This week is one of my best opportunities, with Channel 4 News Team having the same record as my guys. But I have a sneaking suspicion that Arik’s lineup is gonna put together its best week yet and pile more misery upon my season.

ONE LAST THING

Believe it or not, being commissioner comes with some responsibilities. In addition to having to wrangle $50 out of each of you every year, I have the final say on things like rule changes, league membership, and general personnel, I have to announce major league updates and other news, which fortunately I have some experience with in my day job. In the age of the newsletter, some people have let me make announcements on their behalf. 

Last year, Gee allowed me to announce his departure from the league in a newsletter. That came with mixed feelings. Gee was an original member of the Epic League, not to mention a two-time champion. He’s also, you know, our friend, and I wish him nothing but the best. But for as much as we all like Gee as a person, you can make the argument that he wasn’t a good member of the league, with his constant trading bullshit, desire to take part in the drinking side bet but refusal to adhere to the rules, and the worst shit talking (in terms of quality) the league has ever seen. You can make the argument that while the announcement of Gee’s departure wasn’t good for real life, it was an overall good move from a league perspective.

Well, as I mentioned in the group chat, I have another announcement to make on behalf of a league member or two. But this one is the exact opposite — fantastic for real life purposes, but potentially deadly for the league.

I’d venture to say that over the past two years, Ewing has had the greatest character arc/change out of anyone in the league. For the majority of 2021, his squad was absolutely shit, sitting in last place halfway through the season. Then he did what’s called a “pro gamer move,” proposing to Aly and activating the hidden upgrade. Because Aly wasn’t in the league yet, all of the positive vibes went to Ewing, who proceeded to go on an amazing winning streak. Sadly for him, Ewing had dug himself too deep of a hole and just missed out on the postseason. But Ewing kept the momentum going last year by marrying Aly before the season. As we all know, Ewing went on to win the league, with his voodoo keeping me out of the Epic Bowl, where I would have beaten him. This year, with Aly’s entry into the league, it appears those powers have either been taken away or split between the two. With both of their teams fighting for their playoff lives, Ewing and Aly have decided to do anything to get that positive juju back. With regards to that attempt, they have given me permission to include this photo in the newsletter…

In case the picture isn’t loading (or you haven’t been able to follow the breadcrumb trail of clues I’ve left every time I mentioned Ewing or Aly in this newsletter, let me formally make the announcement: Ewing and Aly are expecting their first child next summer.

First off, immense, full-hearted congratulations to the both of you! I believe I speak for everyone else in the league when I say we are all so incredibly happy for you two and excited for your future happiness. Also, with the amount of league members who’ve been married now being shockingly close to the majority and a lot of them either having children or about to have children, holy shit we’re old and are actually, you know, adults. Soon enough, those of us who are single as fuck will be in the vast minority. Wait a minute… (looks around)… oh shit. But seriously, much like it was the honor of my life to officiate your wedding, it’s an honor to share your announcement to our group of life-long friends.

That being said, this league is doomed — at least this season. This is the ultimate move to get the fantasy football gods to give them their juju back. If you doubt the power of these kinds of moves (despite seeing what’s happened to Ewing over the past two seasons), look at Nick and Emilio. The former got married in the offseason, while the latter just had a child. Both are doing unexpectedly well this year and have a legit shot at winning their first championships. That is, until the Ewings got pregnant. While it remains to be seen whether the juju will go to Aly, Ewing, or both, they’re each well within the playoff race and will now likely make the playoffs. All it takes is one and the trophy will likely stay in the Ewing household. The rest of us are doomed.

Because I do kind of feel bad about not giving Aly her flowers for beating me this past week (in place of me telling my work Chick-fil-A story), I’ll end the celebrations by doing just that. Congratulations for doing two things your husband is physically unable to do: get pregnant and beat me in fantasy football.

(remembers I still have to play Ewing again this season)

Fuck!

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness