RIP Andre Braugher, one of the most underrated actors of our time. Braugher, who suddenly passed away days ago at 61, made his bones as a Shakespearean actor while scoring notable roles in movies like Glory and shows like Homicide: Life on the Street. But it took until his role as Captain Raymond Holt in Brooklyn Nine-Nine that he achieved true national acclaim and recognition. Braugher played the strict, robotic, formal, gay commanding officer of the 99th Precinct to absolutely hilarious perfection. I’ve made no secret that I love Brooklyn Nine-Nine, centering a newsletter theme around it a couple of years ago. Captain Holt was my favorite character, so Braugher’s death hits even harder. Thank you for the laughs and great moments.
Now then, let’s get to the funny stuff, centered around something that’s better than your favorite thing: wrestling.
Oh come on, you knew this had to happen eventually. I’ve thrown bits of wrestling into these newsletters and given how many events I’ve attended since becoming a fan, having a wrestling themed newsletter was an eventuality. So why not have it be during the big pre-playoff one, where the competition has turned into a tournament format, which has a big role in wrestling history? Think about the playoffs as an eight-person battle royale — last one standing wins.
First question: what the hell music am I going to pick? There are so many iconic and objectively great theme songs throughout wrestling history. So whose theme am I gonna go with? Will it be a classic like “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, The Rock, or Triple H’s? Will I go old school and choose someone like Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, or Randy Savage’s theme? Will I stay with the modern hit themes like Chris Jericho, Shinsuke Nakamura, C.M. Punk, Adam Copeland, or even John Cena? Will I go for an underrated one like the themes of Baron Corbin, Asuka, or Rhea Ripley? Will I go full homer and just play “Kingdom”?
The answer is: none of them. I’m not choosing a wrestling theme. Instead, I’m going with a song that’s still deeply tied to wrestling history (in particular, fighting for a championship), but may not be instantly recognizable to some. But if you know, you know…
Ring the fucking bell.
RECAP OF LAST WEEK
WELL DAMN (11-3) DEF. ALREADY INVESTED $$ (8-6)
110.20 – 107.54
Think back to the second newsletter of the year — it was Week 5 and Well Damn had just lost to fall to 2-3. Just a few weeks later, Chriss would also lose his QB, Kirk Cousins. Would anyone have predicted that Chriss was about to embark on the run of runs, ending the regular season on a nine-game winning streak as both the top seed and top scorer? Hell no. Perhaps the most impressive thing about this most recent win was the fact that Chriss’ new starter, Geno Smith, was on a bye. But Jake Browning (24 points) more than made up for his absence, as did the likes of Christian McCaffrey (16 points), CeeDee Lamb (13 points), and Alex Singleton (16 points). But it was far from a rout — not only did Mike Evans’ goose egg keep the door open, but Already Invested $$ took advantage, with Dak Prescott (17 points), Austin Ekeler (17 points), Bijan Robinson (15 points), Jayden Reed (12 points), and D.K. Metcalf (12 points) nearly snatching the win for Emilio. But the streak lives on and Chriss has the big target on his back.
FOOTBALLDAMUS (9-5) DEF. IT MEANS MOORE (10-4)
103.44 – 90.82
While Chriss had been piling on points to get on top of the standings, Kyle was living on the edge, somehow keeping pace despite putting up much lower scores. With the battle for the top seed going down to the wire, it felt like It Means Moore would eke out another close win. Not only did Kyle get great contributions from Rachaad White (19 points) and the Vikings defense (20 points), but Footballdamus was hampered with the season-ending injury to Justin Herbert. Breece Hall (18 points) kept things close, although it seemed like Kyle was on his way to victory. However, Jordan Love laid an egg and Bobby Okereke didn’t do any better. On the other hand, Raheem Mostert (22 points) and Derrick Henry (17 points) not only cut into the deficit, but erased it outright and thrust Riaz towards an improvable double-digit victory. Although Kyle was going to be the No. 2 seed with Chriss’ win regardless, Riaz’s victory puts him into third place, swapping sides of the playoff bracket and setting up a heaping pile of “what ifs” to cook for a few weeks.
THREE EYED RAVENS (6-8) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (6-8)
114.04 – 86.14
Perhaps this year was meant to unfold the way it did, because what are the odds that the four teams fighting for the final three playoff spots would play each other in the final week of the regular season? Out of those four, the one team that absolutely needed to win was Three Eyed Ravens, with a loss guaranteeing the defending champion would not repeat. However, Ewing would end the weekend standing, though in kind of an unusual way. Not only did Ewing leave an inactive Taysom Hill in the lineup, but Gabe Davis also gave him a goose egg. But it mattered little, with Deebo Samuel (27 points) and Brandon Aubrey (22 points) providing the beef of his offense. It also didn’t hurt that Sleeping Giants were caught, well, sleeping on the job. Jared Goff, Amon-Ra St. Brown, Josh Jacobs, and Gus Edwards were all mediocre, with DeAndre Hopkins (18 points) and George Kittle (13 points) being the only members of the roster to do well. With the loss, Dad needed Jimmy to defeat Aly, or else the playoffs would be held without a Dominguez.
QUEEN’S GAMBIT (7-7) DEF. HOG WILD (6-8)
103.12 – 92.20
That result would not happen, though it took until the final minutes on Monday for it to become reality. Queen’s Gambit had to make their move early, with Aly’s season-long reliance on the Bills paying off. Josh Allen (21 points) and James Cook (20 points) combined with Joe Mixon (18 points) to give Aly what would end up being a much-needed boost. That’s because the likes of Jordan Addison, Dalton Kincaid, the Patriots defense, and Patrick Queen were mediocre at best, reducing what should’ve been a huge output to just barely above the three-digit mark. Hog Wild wasn’t perfect, either — Brandon Cooks, Sam LaPorta, Jake Moody, and the Steelers defense were far from their best. But good days from D.J. Moore (20 points), Travis Etienne (13 points), Javonte Williams (15 points), and Robert Spillane (13 points) set up Jimmy with a likely win, should Tua Tagovailoa and Tyreek Hill perform as expected. But they didn’t, which halted Jimmy’s comeback and allowed Aly (and Jimmy) to sneak into the playoffs, at the expense of Dad.
KIDNEY STONE & WOOD (5-9) DEF. C’MON CHARBIE LET’S GO PARTY (8-6)
104.82 – 103.76
I want to make it known — Nick started talking shit during the FIRST QUARTER of Thursday night’s game. To be fair, the playoff-bound C’Mon Charbie Let’s Go Party was a heavy favorite against Kidney Stone & Wood. But Nick failed to realize that I was in my own battle, one to avoid the ultimate humiliation: going from first place to last in a single season. Although neither of our Ks apparently got the memo that they were supposed to score, both Nick and I put up plenty of points, with my roster scoring 100+ points for just the second time all year (and the second time in as many weeks). Justin Fields (24 points), Cooper Kupp (17 points), and Diontae Johnson (11 points) finally lived up to their hype at the same time, while my late pickup on Odell Beckham Jr. (15 points) allowed me to feel good about an acquisition for once. Nick nearly made a comeback thanks to the Saints defense (21 points), Jahmyr Gibbs (14 points), and Saquon Barkley (20 points). But, I held on to avoid ending up at the bottom. That was bad news for one of us.
CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (5-9) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-11)
108.14 – 77.58
You know who else was 2-3 in Week 5? Richard. However, unlike Chriss, Richard would go on to lose all but one of his remaining nine games. That win came by less than half a point, although given that it was against Dad, at least the Krispy Kritters can say they had an impact on keeping a team out of the playoffs. As far as the race for last place, Richard needed me to lose to have a chance. But while I didn’t let it get that close, Richard’s lineup let him down one last time anyway. Apart from new acquisition Desmond Ridder (26 points), as well as Brandon Aiyuk (11 points), the roster was average at best and awful at worst. But even Ridder’s production came with a curse from a monkey’s paw. Richard had dropped Lamar Jackson out of frustration, only to see him be picked up by Channel 4 News Team and drop 32 points on his former team. Arik didn’t need Jackson to beat Richard, thanks to David Njoku (22 points) standing out in an alright lineup. But it was the final nail in the coffin for a trophy-winning season — but not the award Richard wanted.
STANDINGS
LEAGUE STANDINGS:
- Well Damn (11-3)*
- It Means Moore (10-4)*
- Footballdamus (9-5)*
- Already Invested $$ (8-6)*
- C’mon Charbie Let’s Go Party (8-6)*
- Queen’s Gambit (7-7)*
- Three Eyed Ravens (6-8)*
- Hog Wild (6-8)*
- Sleeping Giants (6-8)e
- Channel 4 News Team (5-9)e
- Kidney Stone & Wood (5-9)e
- The Krispy Kritters (3-11)e
* clinched playoff spot
e = eliminated
HUNT FOR THE HELMET:
- Well Damn (1619.02)
- Already Invested $$ (1558.60)
- Footballdamus (1558.24)
- Three Eyed Ravens (1498.84)
- Hog Wild (1497.08)
- C’mon Charbie Let’s Go Party (1457.70)
- Sleeping Giants (1460.54)
- Channel 4 News Team (1444.20)
- Queen’s Gambit (1442.14)
- It Means Moore (1377.88)
- The Krispy Kritters (1258.90)
- Kidney Stone & Wood (1192.10)
Congrats to Chriss, who gets both the free beer for finishing in first place, but also the Wrestlemania 39 helmet for scoring the most points as well! Given that it’s now been three times in three years that the same person has won both prizes, I’m going to add a stipulation that if this happens, I’ll choose someone else to receive free beer in recognition of their ability to keep scoring despite bad luck. In this case, I pick someone who managed to finish Top 5 in scoring, yet got bogged down in the standings by having more points scored against him than anyone else in the league. That would be… Jimmy! I swear this isn’t because it was Jimmy who invited me to the Sacramento Kings game where I finally broke my winless streak (I just remembered all of the food we ate afterwards at MidiCi — that cheese board was phenomenal). Anyway, Chriss and Jimmy, let me know which beer each of you would like!
DRINK PUNISHMENT TRACKER:
- Jimmy (119.44) –> Aly (55.84) & Ewing (86.14)* [Shot of Fireball]
- Chriss (146.66) –> Ruben (51.25) [Voodoo Ranger Imperial IPA]
- Richard (143.68) & Emilio (143.28)** –> Kyle (74.96) [Modelo Especial] and Ruben (74.36) [805]**
- Richard (124.74) –> Ruben (83.64) & Jimmy (83.18) [Modelo Especial]***
- Jimmy (180.82) –> Richard (66.34) [Device Brewing Curious Haze]
- Riaz (138.67) –> Richard (73.32) [Voodoo Ranger Fruit Force IPA]
- Ewing (135.16) –> Kyle (57.76) [Coors Light]****
- Chriss (138.16)***** –> Ruben (77.52) [Lagunitas Tiki Fuson Zombie Cocktail-Inspired IPA]******
- Kyle (133.50) –> Ewing (76.70) [Dominga Mimosa Sour]
- Chriss (139.36) –> Ruben (65.16) [Stone IPA]*******
- Aly (121.90) –> Arik (75.94) [Choc Tease BuzzBall]
- Chriss (140.46) –> Richard (67.58) [Sierra Nevada Hazy Little Thing IPA]
- Ewing (150.60) –> Richard (50.90) [Tequila Rita BuzzBall]********
- Ewing (114.04) –> Richard (77.58) [Device Brewing Brits in Moscow]*********
* Ewing voluntarily took a shot in shame after losing to Ruben
** Each pair — Richard and Emilio as well as Kyle and Ruben) — was separated by less than a point, so two drink choosers and drinkers were selected. Richard and Emilio each made a selection, while Kyle got to pick which drink to consume
*** Ruben and Jimmy finished within a point of each other, so both had to drink
**** Kyle got to choose the beer, but Ewing requested he shotgun it
***** Dad had a higher score, but he’s not taking part in this side-bet, so the choosing power defaulted to Chriss
****** Ruben drank two of the beers, Stone Cold style, in celebration of Josh McDaniels’ firing
******* Ruben drank two of the beers, because… well… oh shit do I have a problem?
******** Richard drank two of them for the lols and there was no controversy whatsoever
********* Ewing let Richard choose his drink out of mercy/pity
BEST & WORST
UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE
BEST: Even if he had been facing Lamar Jackson instead of having him in his lineup, Arik still would have prevailed over Richard, in spite of an overall below-average lineup. That’s because David Njoku has by far his most productive outing of the season, scoring nearly as many points as he had in his previous five games combined. Thanks for helping me not finish last!
WORST: There are plenty of good choices here, but I’m going to go with the two that ended up being the most impactful. Jimmy’s Dolphins duo of Tua Tagovailoa and Tyreek Hill were either injured or underwhelming, preventing him from making a comeback against Aly. Not only did that mean Aly got the win, but Dad failed to make the playoffs as a result. It’s all Miami’s fault.
TRANSACTION
BEST: After a season of bad draft picks and free agent pickups, zigging when I should have zagged, allow me to celebrate the one time I got it right. Hours before kickoff, I realized I needed to replace an injured Christian Watson. Out of a list of possible replacements, Odell Beckham Jr. was, for once, the right choice, scoring just enough points to allow me to get a rare victory.
WORST: Although it wouldn’t have impacted the overall outcome of the matchup, the fact that Richard released Lamar Jackson over alleged inconsistency, only for him to be picked up by the person he’s facing and then drop 32 points on his former owner is simply hilarious. Not even the surprise production from Desmond Ridder could take this cherry off Richard’s shit sundae.
LINEUP DECISION
BEST: This can also qualify for Best Transaction, but I wanted the spotlight. Even so, I needed to point out that Chriss not only had to put in the waiver claim for Jake Browning, but wait for him to clear every other team in order to add him as a Geno Smith replacement. The fact that Browning went on to produce much higher-than-predicted numbers only adds to this fantastic move.
WORST: While I’m not sure I would’ve made a different call, the only lineup swap this week that not only had an impact on the outcome, but was also realistic was Nick putting Chigoziem Okonkwo in for Hunter Henry. On paper, both were shit options. But Henry ended up being far more productive. Even so, it wouldn’t have changed any playoff matchups (just seedings).
LUCK
BEST: Ewing needed a win to get into the playoffs and apparently the fantasy gods were set on getting him there, come hell or highwater. How else would you explain him easily getting the win, despite not one, but two goose eggs in this lineup, on top of a mediocre day from Pat Mahomes. Not only did Ewing still win, but he did so by nearly 30 points. Future parent powers are real.
WORST: From the previously mentioned great luck his opponent got to Jimmy’s Dolphins duo failing on prime time to even the loss to Richard by less than half-a-point, if you look at what had to happen for Dad to not make the playoffs, it’s pretty crazy. Dad always bitches about having terrible fantasy football luck — for once, it seems like he actually has a point for that argument.
EIGHT ENTER, ONE LEAVES
1. WELL DAMN
If you would’ve polled the league halfway through the season, Well Damn would not have been among the title favorites. Then Chriss decided to end the season on a nine-game winning streak and claim the first overall seed (and scoring title). Despite some issues as QB, Geno Smith has been fairly solid for Chriss, who has greatly benefited from Christian McCaffrey somehow falling to the fifth overall pick. A solid lineup filled with the likes of Mike Evans, CeeDee Lamb, Michael Pittman, and Rhamondre Stevenson (though we have to watch his recent injury) has also helped make Chriss the favorite to win the title. Chriss’ rise mirrors that of Swerve Strickland, who appeared to be set for big things in WWE. But due to various factors, Swerve was released in 2021, much like Chriss’ lone No. 1 seed finish in 2018 ended with a first round loss. However, Strickland has since transformed himself into a star in AEW and appears likely to win the world title at some point next year. Chriss will hope to achieve the same thing in fantasy football.
2. IT MEANS MOORE
Before the season, Kyle seemed determined to claim the title of “league heel” abandoned by Gee upon his departure. As it turns out, he succeeded, but not in the way he intended. It Means Moore has one of the best records in the league and is one of the favorites to win the title, despite being one of the lowest-scoring teams (outscoring only the two teams at the bottom of the standings). So how the hell has Kyle won this much? As we all know, fantasy football success is largely due to luck, but Kyle is truly proving that this year. Having the second-fewest total points scored against him in the whole league, Kyle has constantly gotten away with poor performances due to facing someone having a worse day than him. Even more annoyingly, Kyle actually has some good players in Ja’Marr Chase, Calvin Ridley, Rachaad White, and Kyren Williams. But though the roster has been inconsistent, Kyle wins. Hmm… a heel who keeps winning through bullshit reasons despite largely being out-played? Roman Reigns and the Bloodline say hello.
3. FOOTBALLDAMUS
What a turnaround for Riaz! At this time last year, he was about to be the first recipient of the Jop. This year, Riaz is a genuine title contender, having hung around the top of the standings for pretty much the whole season. However, an end-of-season slump has taken the shine out of his run. Perhaps this past weekend’s comeback win can provide a momentum swing back in his favor. We’ve seen Footballdamus in the playoffs before, but nothing beyond a quarter-final exit has been seen. But maybe this is finally the year. In a way, Riaz’s run is similar to that of Eddie Kingston. An older wrestler who doesn’t exactly look like a world beater, Kingston has finally gotten his spotlight with AEW, becoming one of the most beloved wrestlers in the company thanks to his ability to cut incredible promos and passionate, hard-hitting style. Put it this way: despite Kingston being a yankees fan, I’m rooting for him to win the AEW title one day. With the likes of Travis Kelce, Derrick Henry, and Raheem Mostert, maybe Riaz can win the big one, too.
4. ALREADY INVESTED $$
Even Emilio would admit that historically, he hasn’t been the strongest member of the league. But this year, not only has Already Invested $$ finished in the top half of the playoff bracket, but his roster has scored the second-most points in the entire league. Credit for this can go to several factors, including quick pickups of Puka Nacua and De’Von Achane, drafting the likes of Bijan Robinson and D.K. Metcalf, and me turning down a trade for Dak Prescott. But of course, the main reason for his rise up the standings is that he has an extra person helping him out: his daughter. Emilio has clearly been boosted by his new dad powers, much like one of WWE’s most prominent prospects: Johnny Gargano. “Johnny Wrestling” cut his teeth on the indies and in NXT, where he was part of one of the greatest rivalries in wrestling history (with Tommaso Ciampa). Like Emilio, Gargano left for a while, but is back and better than ever, with a bright future. He’s also a father, just four years older than Emilio. But future parents must be considered, too…
5. C’MON CHARBIE LET’S GO PARTY
Although they go by a different name this year, it seems like C’mon Charbie Let’s Go Party has the same curse that infected Dixie Normous for so long. Every year, we joke about how Nick will go on an inevitable lengthy losing streak to slip out of the playoffs. But this year, Nick started strong and remained in first place for a large part of the season. However, the losing began, with Nick’s offense being a shell of its former self and sending him into the postseason having lost five straight games, including one to me (which is just plain embarrassing). Russell Wilson, Jaylen Waddle, Jahmyr Gibbs, Stefon Diggs, Saquon Barkley, and Jakobi Meyers are either declining in production or wildly inconsistent, leaving Nick vulnerable. In a way, Nick’s rise and (so far) fall mirrors that of Miro, a huge, terrifying, and talented wrestler who on paper has all he needs to be a major champion. But first in WWE and now in AEW, he’s gotten big pushes,only for everything to fall short at the end. Miro deserves better, and perhaps Nick does as well. We’ll have to see.
6. QUEEN’S GAMBIT
There was plenty of pressure on Aly this year — not because she’s the first female member in league history, but because she talked a lot of shit in the off-season. So how did Queen’s Gambit due in Year 1? Well… average. A 7-7 finish left her in the middle of the standings. For the most part, Aly’s success can be blamed on a combination of her drafting skill/luck (she was the only one of us who made fewer than ten moves in free agency) and several other teams sucking too much to catch her. Although Aly’s lineup — Josh Allen, Joe Mixon, James Cook, Isiah Pacheco, Tyler Lockett — was solid, it was largely inconsistent. But taking matters into her own hands, she got pregnant and has enjoyed her own future parent boost, ending the regular season on a five-game winning streak. Still, Aly hasn’t done a whole lot, much like former AEW beast Jade Cargill hasn’t done anything since her move to WWE. Cargill is still training and will likely kick ass in the future. But the future is uncertain. In the present, Aly looks to make more history in the playoffs.
7. THREE EYED RAVENS
Of course, Aly had a more-than-willing co-conspirator in her plan to get future parent powers in time for the playoffs. Ewing knows a thing or two about late-season boosts — he nearly made the playoffs after a post-engagement rally, then ended up winning the league last year. However, the defending champion Three Eyed Ravens haven’t looked like the world-beaters that someone with the No. 1 overall pick should construct. Pat Mahomes has looked pedestrian all year, while Najee Harris, Courtland Sutton, Gabe Davis, and Deebo Samuel (for the most part) haven’t been their usual selves. Plus, let’s not forget, Ewing lost to me in Week 1. That being said, Ewing ended the regular season on his own three-game streak behind a resurgent Samuel, while Mahomes has an easy schedule to end the year. Ewing may be a limping champion — much like AEW’s own MJF, who might just be about to see his fantastic, record-setting reign come to an end. But maybe there’s some extra life left, and Ewing can avoid his own Worlds End with a repeat victory.
8. HOG WILD
As soon as the draft ended, it became apparent that Hog Wild would only go as far as its two Dolphins — Tua Tagovailoa and Tyreek Hill — go themselves. Early on, it seemed that might lead Jimmy to the top seed, as Miami tore it up. However, there have been quite a few slip-ups, with Jimmy dropping further in the standings. Although he managed to score enough and not suck as much as the four guys below him, Jimmy finds himself against the top seed while the Dolphins deal with their biggest weakness: December. There are some other solid pieces in his lineup, like D.J. Moore, Travis Etienne, and Sam LaPorta (acquired in the only trade in the league this year what the fuck). But Jimmy will need his dynamic duo to do the heavy lifting. Much like Miami, it’s been a while since Jimmy last won the league. It’s also like Sheamus, a former WWE champ who had largely been forgotten. While he had a resurgence this year with his own two friends in the Brawling Brutes, Sheamus has lost a lot of his luster again. Can Jimmy avoid the same fate?
IN MEMORIAM
9. SLEEPING GIANTS
Although he’s no longer the only parent in the league, Dad still stands out among the rest of the members. For starters, he’s not in the group chat. Then, he’s also, you know, twice as old as the rest of us. Perhaps he can relate to someone else in his 60’s who’s not only still mixing it up with people half his age, but also his own sons. Billy Gunn first rose to prominence during the 1990’s in WWE, notably as a member of D-Generation X. But he never won a world title as a solo star (much like Dad), most famously getting his push destroyed by that promo by the Rock. Much like Gunn, Dad just couldn’t put it all together this year. The Sleeping Giants began badly and never got going, whether it be Joe Burrow’s struggle and injury or George Kittle’s inconsistency or the RB problem. Though he still had a chance to make the playoffs at the end, Dad came up short. Gunn himself recently came up short in the AEW trios title race, leaving his boots in the ring. He and the Acclaimed later came back and won. Let’s see if Dad can also do that… next year.
10. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM
Although two other teams stole the spotlight of terribleness, Channel 4 News Team flew under the radar of bad teams all year. Not once did Arik have a winning record, losing five out of six to drop out of contention in the second half of the season. Nothing went right, from Nick Chubb’s season-ending injury to Chris Olave and Alvin Kamara being limited by the Saints’ putrid offense to Darren Waller being absolute ass to Trevor Lawrence being mid for a lot of the year. Interestingly, two of Arik’s losses came at the hands of the two teams he finished above — wins would’ve gotten him in the playoffs instead. This is a rare poor campaign from Arik, who’s usually been a playoff contender since he entered the league. Arik came into our fantasy football lives like a wrecking ball, much like Keith Lee burst onto the scene in NXT. Incredibly agile for such a large man, Lee seemed like a future world champion. Now with AEW, it seems unlikely that he’ll ever be a major champion, despite having it all. Hopefully one day Lee proves us all wrong. Maybe Arik will, too.
11. KIDNEY STONE & WOOD
During the draft, I took two big risks, selecting a hurt Cooper Kupp and a suspended Jonathan Taylor with my first two picks in the hope they would be back quickly. They were not, but it turns out they were far from my only two problems. Much like the inspiration for the name Kidney Stone & Wood, injuries (and under-performances) pained me all season. Justin Fields, Aaron Jones, Christian Watson, Diontae Johnson, and more were among the significant players that missed time for me this year. I couldn’t even make a lot of roster adjustments, because injured players took up so many of my roster spots. In the end, this was the worst team I’ve ever fielded — as a former champ, this is a new low. In case you’re wondering who’s the worst WWE champ of all-time, the answer is likely Jinder Mahal, a jobber elevated to the role due to the company wanting to market to the Indian market. While I know how Mahal won the title, I don’t know how I won five games this season. Fortunately, it was enough for me to avoid the ultimate humiliation.
12. THE KRISPY KRITTERS
Going into Week 5, the Krispy Kritters sat at 2-2 and had scored nearly 270 points in their past two games combined. Who would’ve thought that Richard would win just one more game, with that one win being by less than half a point? Indeed, Richard’s collapse will be remembered in league history, with this putrid performance being the only reason I didn’t finish last. How did this happen? Justin Jefferson got hurt, Davante Adams stopped having a competent QB throw him the ball, Brandon Aiyuk and Lamar Jackson were inconsistent as all hell (to the point Richard even dropped the latter in favor of Desmond Ridder before last weekend), and pretty much every other player fell off a fucking cliff. In the end, between the losing and drinking, Richard’s roster became the laughing stock of the league, much like R-Truth is the funniest member of the WWE roster by far. Once a legit contender, R-Truth is so far removed from that, all anyone remembers about him is his current comedic run. Unlike R-Truth, Richard has won something: the Jop.
STATS OF THE MONTH
This is a hell of a year for backup QBs, who have been forced into action in record numbers due to injuries to starters. This has put several players in a spotlight they never expected to be under, with some of them getting national attention. In the last newsletter, I talked about Josh Dobbs and his sudden rise to prominence, though the Passtronaut has since gone through an equally dramatic fall from grace. This time, another backup is in the limelight, one who I sincerely hope keeps winning. It’s not just because he has a good story, but because that story begins in a rarely-talked-about portion of the country when it comes to football: right here in Sacramento.
Here’s how far back this story goes: I remember covering Jake Browning during my first year at FOX40. I have now been at the station for over a decade. During that time, Browning has gone from record-setter to incredible prospect to nearly out of football to the recipient of a shocking second chance.
Browning first rose to football prominence by becoming arguably the greatest high school QB in California history. In 46 games for Folsom High School, Browning completed 1,191 of his 1,708 attempts (69.7%) for 16,775 yards and 229 TDs — all state records. The latter mark also broke the national high school TD record held by Maty Mauk. In 2013 (his junior year), Browning broke the state’s single-season passing record and was named Gatorade Football POY, leading the Bulldogs to a section title. In 2014 (his senior year), Browning broke his year-old record with 5,790 yards and broke the national record with 91 TD passes (plus another Gatorade POY honor), as Folsom won both the state title and the CIF Division I state title, finishing 4th in the nation overall. To put it simply: Browning was the god of high school football.
Browning spent the next four years at the University of Washington, where he became the second ever true freshman QB to start a game (and the first since Marques Tuiasosopo in 1997). After a decent freshman year that saw the Huskies go bowling, Browning exploded during his sophomore season. Washington finished 12-2, won the Pac-12 (RIP) for the first time since 2000, and reached the College Football Playoff (losing to Alabama in the Peach Bowl). Browning finished sixth in Heisman Trophy voting with an absurd 43 TDs to just nine INTs (with four more scores on the ground) on a 62.1% completion rate. However, Browning’s performance notably dipped as the season went on, which is likely explained by a shoulder injury that needed surgery after the Peach Bowl. That injury also seemed to take a bit off his arm strength, with Browning never putting up those kinds of numbers again. Although Browning was still a very good QB and led Washington to a 20-7 combined record in his final two years (with trips to the Fiesta and Rose Bowls), his pro prospects had diminished, going undrafted in 2019.
Over the next four years, Browning just managed to stay alive in the pros. The Minnesota Vikings signed him as an undrafted free agent, keeping him on their practice squad for two seasons. He was cut just before the 2021 season, only to be picked up by the Cincinnati Bengals a week later. I don’t know how much this had to do with it, but as pointed out in this video (which does a good job of summarizing Browning’s career to this point), the Bengals’ first opponent that season was the Vikings, so maybe they wanted some late inside info. Browning once again lived on the practice squad for two seasons, but finally managed to make an actual NFL roster this season, beating out Trevor Siemian for the backup gig to Joe Burrow. Five years into his pro career, Browning took the first regular-season snap of his life during the Bengals’ 24-3 loss to the Cleveland Browns. But what seemed like a pipe dream just a few months ago became reality when Burrow suffered a season-ending injury against the Baltimore Ravens. Now forced into the starting role, Browning came up just short, 16-10, in his debut against the Pittsburgh Steelers.
But ten days ago, everything changed. On Monday Night Football, on the road against a Jacksonville Jaguars squad fighting for the top seed in the AFC, Browning was lethally efficient, going 32/37 for 354 yards and a TD (plus arguably the worst rushing TD by a QB ever) as the Bengals pulled off a dramatic 34-31 win in OT. Browning’s 86.5% completion rate (the highest ever for a QB in his first or second career start) was crucial to victory, proving that while he may not have the biggest arm, he can take care of the ball and keep his team in the game. Browning proved it wasn’t a fluke this past weekend, putting up the above stats in a 34-14 win over the Indianapolis Colts. In just ten days, Browning went from a nobody to one of the most intriguing players in the NFL (and a hot commodity in fantasy).
Of course, the question remains: what happens now? Browning now has a lot of tape on him out there and defensive coordinators will react properly. Whether or not Browning can make the necessary adjustments will be crucial to his future. At the very least, he’s bought himself another year or two in the NFL as a backup QB (especially given the nature of the position this year) and kept Cincinnati’s playoff chances (once thought dead) alive. While the Bengals must go on the road to Kansas City in a couple of weeks, their schedule does include the potentially Kenny Pickett-less Steelers, the “I have no idea how they will play” Browns, and, funnily enough, the Vikings. There’s a real chance the Bengals could sneak into the playoffs, especially in the wild AFC, which (as we’re about to see) is going to be crazy over the next month.
You are not reading that wrong. The No. 3 and No. 11 seeds in the AFC are separated by one game. There are four weeks left in the season. More than one-third of all AFC teams have a record of 7-6. As I said above, this is gonna be crazy.
Two divisions — the North and South — have three teams fighting for playoff spots. In the former, the 8-5 Browns may be on their fourth QB in Joe “No, Seriously” Flacco, but may have the easiest schedule in the Bears, Texans, Jets, and aforementioned Bengals. In addition to having major QB and overall offensive issues, the Steelers have two crucial games up next in the Colts and Bengals, before ending the season on the road against the Seahawks and Ravens. As for Indianapolis, they have to face (in addition to Pittsburgh), Atlanta, Las Vegas, and Houston. The latter may have just gotten surprisingly killed by the Jets, but the Texans still get to battle the Browns, Colts, and Titans (twice). That could be important in a potential division title, as the limping 8-5 Jaguars have to face the Ravens (although the Titans, Panthers, and Buccaneers are also on the slate). As for the other two teams, one of them has come under nowhere — the Broncos are just one game back in the AFC West and have the Patriots, Chargers, and Raiders on their schedule (they also have the Lions, but I’ll talk about them later). The other, meanwhile, looks out of place, having the fifth-highest point differential in the NFL despite being 7-6. The Bills also have a massive game against the Cowboys coming up this week, not to mention a season finale against the Dolphins. But if Buffalo can win at least one of those games (plus both contests against the Chargers and Patriots), they’ve got as good of a shot as anyone.
Of course, there’s one more team in this equation, one not used to being stuck among the rest of the herd. They just lost to the Bills, which not only gave Buffalo hope for the playoffs, but also gave the NFL world plenty to talk about afterwards.
The past five seasons have been, for the lack of a better term, frustrating as a Raiders fan, largely because of the rise of the Pat Mahomes-led Kansas City Chiefs. As the Chiefs have found success after success, they’ve become more and more unbearable (admittedly, if the Raiders were as good as the Chiefs, I’d be insufferable as well). Kansas City has seemingly gotten the lion’s share of the calls, in particular the ticky-tacky holding call that clinched Super Bowl LVII back in February. During this time, Travis Kelce has become an annoying douche that’s parlayed his success into dating Taylor fucking Swift. He, Andy Reid, and Mahomes have also begun to dominate the airwaves, appearing in seemingly every other commercial during NFL broadcasts. Other people in Kansas City — like Mahomes’ wife and brother — have also drawn public ire.
But funny enough, the one person who I couldn’t bring myself to personally hate was Mahomes. Sure, he seemingly always won, was everywhere on TV, bitched at the refs after every incompletion (while doing that annoying tiptoe on the sidelines thing that draws flags like Draymond Green draws technical fouls). Still, I objectively had to chalk it all up to him being genuinely great at football, taking advantage of his fame (like most of us would), and doing something pretty much every elite QB does (albeit more than most), respectively. I don’t like Mahomes, but I begrudgingly respected him.
That ended on Sunday, when a seemingly game-winning TD (that saw Kelce lateral the ball to Kadarius Toney for the score) was called back due to Toney lining up offside. An offensive player being called for offside is rare, but it does happen, especially when someone lines up so blatantly offside as Toney did. The Chiefs would go on to lose to the Bills, prompting Mahomes to absolutely lose his shit, screaming at the officials on the sidelines and even bitching about it to a bemused Josh Allen during the post-game handshake (which honestly, above all, is the ultimate bitch thing Mahomes did during this entire episode). Then, during the post-game press conference, Mahomes went full Donald Trump, saying the call was “taking away from greatness,” complaining that everyone is talking about the refs after the game, and claiming that the call even impacted Kelce’s HOF career.
Bruh… COME OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!
First off, this is clearly Mahomes’ temper finally bursting, after months of frustration over his WRs (notably Toney) letting him down and costing the Chiefs games, which to be fair he had done a good job of keeping in check. So even though the call was objectively correct, the nature and success of the play that got called back (plus the circumstances of the game) led to things getting heated. But if we’re gonna hold other QBs to that kind of standard, Mahomes has to be justly criticized. In addition, this is simply just a weird hill to die on — the call was absolutely right and Mahomes is absolutely taking it out on the wrong people. Even Reid got in on the bitching, saying they usually get warnings about such calls before they happen. As Gene Steratore explained, the rarity of the call and lack of warning can be blamed on Toney, who was stupid enough to line up not just offside, but so blatantly offside that he was blocking the officials’ view of the ball. They didn’t throw the flag once Toney went into the endzone — they did so right after the play began. Hell, look at me — I’m defending officials, including “Mr. Index Card” Steratore. That’s how objectively correct the call was. There’s no “conspiracy” or anything — Toney was simply such a dumbass that he caused a rare event to occur.
Furthermore, for Mahomes to suggest that he and the Chiefs are getting hosed by officials is comical. As mentioned before and confirmed by watching most games involving Kansas City, the Chiefs have gotten more than their fair and unfair share of calls over the past five years. Sure, it’s definitely not 100% in their favor — just look at the week before and the non-defensive PI call involving Marquez Valdes-Scantling. But even when citing that example, we also have to remember the fact that Mahomes was given a penalty for being hit late, despite being hit in bounds (again, he pulls that sideline bullshit all the time). Even if we don’t, the fact that Chiefs are bitching up this much of a storm, despite near-unanimous support from pretty much everyone else for the officials, you know, making the correct call, is quite frankly insane. It makes them look like babies for not getting calls in their favor for once. Mahomes is especially guilty here, since he’s not only the beneficiary of previous calls, but also had previously (wisely) been above this. Yes. Mahomes did apologize afterwards and admitted the call was correct. But maybe he should’ve actually looked at the replay before making himself look like a dumbass. He was no better than someone spewing bullshit on the internet without actually looking up the facts.
Instead of pulling a Jameis Winston and eating the (admittedly tough) L, Mahomes and the Chiefs confirmed everything fans of other AFC West teams have been saying about them for years. The Kansas City Chiefs and their general fanbase are a bunch of spoiled, entitled bitches who get all the calls in their favor (even though they’re talented enough to win without them) and whine to heaven and hell the rare times they don’t. That’s on top of the other assholish, annoying, and even at times cancelable behavior they’ve displayed since they finally started winning. Fans of non-divisional rivals thought we were just jealous, but now this clown behavior is on display for the rest of the league to see. I can’t wait for this crop of players to leave so the Chiefs can go another 50 years without winning a Super Bowl. The franchise and fanbase deserve it.
When it comes to the NFC, things are a little more spread out in the sense that there’s intrigue throughout the playoff race. The battle for the top seed is coming down to three teams with the same record, with the San Francisco 49ers (who are now back to looking unstoppable) in the driver’s seat right now. Dominant wins over the Seahawks (twice), Cowboys, and Eagles have most of the NFL scared of San Francisco, especially with games against the Cardinals, Rams, and Commanders left. But in a potential Super Bowl preview, the Ravens are coming to the Bay Area on Christmas. Should the 49ers win, the top seed will be theirs. However, any tripping up will result in the NFC East getting back into it. Just two weeks ago, Philadelphia was the front-runner. But back-to-back bad losses have them looking up at their rivals. Plus, a tough matchup in Seattle awaits this week. Should the Eagles get through them, a paper thin schedule (Giants twice and Cardinals) should see them win the division and get the No. 2 seed. Perhaps the most interesting team is the Cowboys, who have the toughest schedule left in the top three. The Bills, Dolphins, and Lions (as well as the Commanders) remain. But should Dallas somehow get through and claim the top seed, they would force the rest of the conference to come to Texas, with the Cowboys on a historic roll at home. Personally, I’m rooting for the 49ers to get the No.2 seed, beat the Eagles in the Divisional round (in another chippy game, so we have another official rivalry on our hands), then face the No. 1 seed Cowboys in the NFC title game.
I would include the Lions in this, but honestly they’re starting to falter and have a Divisional round loss (at best) in their future. Somehow, neither the Vikings or Packers are dead, with the Rams, Seahawks, and even the goddamn Bears still technically in contention. Minnesota is the key to all of this, with two games against Detroit and one against Green Bay remaining. In addition to the Cowboys, the Vikings also have to face Denver. Meanwhile, in addition to the Vikings, the Packers have to face the Bears, Buccaneers, and Panthers. Don’t look now, but Green Bay is likely to make the playoffs and is very much a threat to win the division. Los Angeles may have to end the season at San Francisco, but the schedule also includes the Commanders, Saints, and Giants, so they could go on a run. Things are a bit tougher for Seattle, who has Philadelphia and Pittsburgh left, as well as trips to Tennessee and Arizona. Chicago pretty much needs to win out, which despite games against the Cardinals and Falcons is a tough task, given matchups with the Browns and Packers.
There’s one other division we have yet to talk about, but it’s not important, seeing as whoever “wins” the NFC South is all but guaranteed to be smacked by either the Eagles or Cowboys in the Wild Card round. Every team is major, massive booty cheeks, with a three-way tie in place going into the final month of the regular season. The Buccaneers would be scary if every player was four years younger. The Falcons would be the most talented team with the least talented QB if the Jets didn’t exist. The Saints on paper have the more talented roster, but injuries and coaching (and Derek Carr) are ruining their chances. It’s a shame that one of these teams will make the playoffs, especially with such a crowded field of Wild Card contenders.
Of course, the NFC South also includes the smelliest piece of ass in the whole league: the Panthers, one of just two teams to have fired their head coach. They’re also one of just two teams to have officially been eliminated from playoff contention. Can you guess the other?
The demise of the New England Patriots has been wonderful to see. With few exceptions (like last week’s game against the Steelers), the once-dominant evil empire of the NFL has become the league’s easily movable object, putting up putrid offensive performances that have their fans begging for Caleb Williams. The Patriots are so bad, rumors are swirling that Bill Belichick might be looking for a home outside of New England after the season, which just seems crazy to think about. While it’s still too early to really argue whether Belichick or Tom Brady was largely responsible for the Patriots’ immense success over the past 20+ years, it seems the same trends that have been in New England for Belichick’s entire tenure (great defense, bad decision-making when it comes to offensive personnel) are still there. The only difference — the QB GOAT isn’t helping mask those offensive liabilities.
The way things are shaping up, it seems likely that the current longest-tenured NFL head coach will be out of a job in the offseason. The Patriots need to clean house and rebuild. Whether he’s allowed to resign or will simply be fired is to be determined. What’s obvious is that if he wants to continue coaching, he’ll quickly land on his feet. Belichick is within striking distance of Don Shula’s all-time head coach wins record (it will probably take him at least four more seasons) and I think he wants that mark before he retires. The big question: where will he go? Belichick has not been successful outside of New England (or without Brady), but he is arguably the greatest coach in NFL history. There are plenty of Chargers fans who would welcome Belichick to Los Angeles in a heartbeat.
What about a place like Las Vegas? I don’t know — Belichick couldn’t even beat Josh McDaniels. After all, what kind of scrubs can’t beat the Raiders?
… I make jokes to mask the pain.
MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT
That was one of the worst things I’ve ever seen and may have genuinely been the worst game in Raiders history.
202 total yards — 56 of them on the ground. Eight 1st downs — one more than the number of sacks allowed (four) and turnovers (three) combined. 3/14 on 3rd down (yet somehow 2/2 on 4th down). Zero points. Coming off a bye. With Davante Adams, Josh Jacobs, Hunter Renfrow, and Jakobi Meyers. Against a team that’s middle of the pack in pretty much every defensive category and on their third-string QB.
To make things worse, this wasn’t an ass-whooping, despite the pathetic offensive stats. The Raiders defense wreaked havoc on Minnesota’s defense, single-handedly destroying all of the goodwill Josh Dobbs had built up this season (the hospital ball to Justin Jefferson didn’t help, either). Yet with zero offensive help, the defense eventually bent when the Vikings swapped in Nick Mullens (whose sole existence is apparently just to fuck the Raiders over), giving up the game-winning FG after 58 actual minutes of scoreless football.
For some perspective, this is the first game to end 3-0 since the Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Miami Dolphins with a late FG in 2007. That game was essentially played in a swamp after a storm made Heinz Field virtually unplayable. This game was at Allegiant Stadium, which is a dome. This is the lowest-scoring indoor game in NFL history. It’s one of the worst games in NFL history and has a legitimate argument to be the worst in the Super Bowl era. Honestly, I’d prefer to just move on and pretend this game never happened.
At this point, it’s clear that this isn’t like 2021 and Antonio Pierce is not Rich Bisaccia. Pierce is better than Josh McDaniels (not a high bar, but still), though he needs much more seasoning to be a proper head coach. It’s also clear that much like Rod Farva is destined to be handcuffed to the radio dispatch desk for his career, Aidan O’Connell is nothing more than a backup QB at best. Next year will be one of big changes for the Raiders, with head coach and QB at the top of the list. At this point, maybe beat the Chargers and Broncos for pride, but cool it when it comes to bumping down the draft board. Las Vegas is likely already out on Caleb Williams, but let’s not lose out on the other better prospects. Early gut feeling: I’m unsure about Drake Maye and Bo Nix. J.J. McCarthy needs some time to develop, which he won’t get in Sin City. Give me either Jayden Daniels or Michael Penix Jr. At the very least, the Raiders would either have the reigning Heisman Trophy winner or a QB who will let us make all of the dick jokes we want.
#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On December 14, 1980, one of the NFL’s most miraculous (yet forgotten) finishes to a game took place. Going into the 1980 season, both the Browns and Vikings were in the early years of a new era, having each just missed the playoffs the year before. Cleveland had been involved in several close games in 1979, earning them the nickname “Kardiac Kids.” They truly lived up to that moniker in 1980, with several more nail-biters, including (spoiler alert) the one I’m about to detail. But the Browns weren’t just lucky — they proved they were good, going into a Week 15 trip to Minnesota with a 10-4 record, having won eight of their past nine games behind the stellar play of QB Brian Sipe. In addition, a win would clinch Cleveland’s first playoff berth since 1972. The home team would also have something to play for, with the Vikings able to clinch the NFC Central with a victory. This was somewhat of a surprise, with a team in transition taking advantage of a weak division. Within the past two years, Minnesota had seen the departures of HOFers and franchise icons Fran Tarkenton, Jim Marshall, and Paul Krause. After an uneasy first year with new QB Tommy Kramer under center, the Vikings had overcome an up-and-down season that had a majority of ups to take 8-6 record into their showdown with Cleveland. Given the uncertain nature of both of these teams, it should’ve been no surprise that they would combine for a doozy.
However, the first half of the game was extremely pedestrian, if not a little boring. The Browns defense held the Vikings in check for the first 30 minutes, while Sipe found Calvin Hill in the end zone to put Cleveland up 7-0. A TD run from Sipe was followed by a missed extra point, though the Browns would still be on top 13-0 at halftime. Minnesota finally began to wake up in the 3rd quarter, with Kramer cutting loose and hitting Joe Senser with a bomb to put the home team on the board. However, the Vikings would also miss the extra point. After each missing an extra point, both Ks would proceed to make a FG in the 3rd quarter, with the score at 16-9 heading into the final frame. Early in the 4th quarter, Cleo Miller punched in a short TD to extend Cleveland’s lead to 23-9. Kramer led the Vikings down the field in response, finding Ted Brown in the end zone with just over five minutes remaining. But another missed extra point seemingly spelled doom for Minnesota — although the score was 23-15, the two-point conversion rule had not been adopted by the NFL (and wouldn’t until 1994), meaning the Vikings still trailed by two scores. The Browns began running out the clock, with successful handoffs to Mike Pruitt nearly putting the game out of reach, setting his team up at 2nd & 8 with 2:18 left to play.
That’s when things began to get crazy. Browns head coach Sam Rutigliano unexpectedly called a pass play, hoping to pick up the 1st down then and there. However, Sipe’s pass was picked off by Bobby Bryant, giving Minnesota a lifeline. Kramer quickly drove the Vikings down the field, hitting Ahmad Rashad (yes, that Ahmad Rashad) for a TD just 37 second after the drive began. Still down by one point, Minnesota had to try an onside kick, which was unsuccessful. But the Browns’ attempt to run out the clock was hampered by an illegal motion penalty, with the extra yardage being too much for Pruitt to pick up. Thus, Cleveland had to punt, although Minnesota only had 14 seconds left to get into FG range. The Vikings had to go for broke and did just that, running a hook-and-ladder play for a 39-yard gain. However, still too far away for a FG and with only five seconds left on the clock, the Vikings instead had to go for a Hail Mary. Minnesota head coach Bud Grant called “Squadron Right” and all three WRs lined up on the right side, sprinting to the end zone as Kramer heaved it up for a hopeful miracle. Against all past, present, and future Vikings karma, a miracle did in fact happen. Browns DB Thom Darden got a hand on the ball at the five-yard line, but it bounced into the arms of Rashad, who made an incredibly acrobatic one-handed catch and strode into the end zone, giving Minnesota the 28-23 win as time expired.
In the win, Kramer finished with four TDs and 456 passing yards, becoming the first Vikings QB to surpass 450 yards in a single game (he would do so again in 1986, throwing for 490 yards in a win over the Washington Redskins. Unfortunately for Minnesota, that offense wasn’t available over the next two games. After closing out the regular season with a loss to the Houston Oilers, the Vikings got out to a 14-0 lead in the Divisional round, only to fall 31-16 to the eventual NFC Champion Philadelphia Eagles. As for the Browns, the Kardiac Kids would keep living up to their name. A week after the Miracle at the Met, Cleveland clinched a playoff spot (and the AFC Central title) with a dramatic win over the Cincinnati Bengals. In the Divisional round, the Browns were trailing 14-12 to the Oakland Raiders late in the game, but were deep in the visitors’ half of the field and poised to kick the game-winning FG. However, like he did against Minnesota, Rutigliano called an unexpected pass play: Red Right 88. Sipe, who won NFL MVP that season, was picked off by Mike Davis, allowing Oakland to escape with their lives and bringing Cleveland’s dramatic season to an end. The Raiders, by the way, would go on to defeat the Eagles in Super Bowl XV. One more interesting note about this game: it’s not even the biggest or most dramatic comeback at home during Week 15 in Vikings history. That honor goes to last year’s contest against the Indianapolis Colts, which saw Minnesota rally back from down 33-0 at halftime to win 39-36 in OT behind “Kardiac” Kirk Cousins.
OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:
— 2020: Lamar Jackson definitely doesn’t take a shit in the locker room, as he returns to lead the Baltimore Ravens to a wild come-from-behind 47-42 win over the Cleveland Browns
— 1980: The 0-14 New Orleans Saints defeat the New York Jets 21-20, scoring their first win in nearly a full calendar year and snapping the longest losing streak (14 games) in franchise history
— 1941: The Chicago Bears use a strong 2nd quarter to thrash the rival Green Bay Packers 33-14 in the NFL’s first ever divisional/conference playoff game, before going on to win the NFL title
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 10 FOOTBALL PLAYERS TURNED WRESTLERS
Pro wrestlers come from all sorts of backgrounds, although some are more common than others. Many of them start at a young age, either from joining their families in the business or becoming a fan as a child. Some start out as actors or other personalities (shoutout to The Miz, who turned a spot on The Real World into a HOF, double-Grand Slam WWE career). But many more turn to wrestling after flaming out or reaching the top in other athletic endeavors. That includes everything from amateur and Olympic wrestling (some winning gold medals with broken freaking necks) to cheerleading, basketball, weight lifting, and bodybuilding. Of course, a lot of wrestlers have a background in football, either taking the Ewing route and playing football and wrestling in high school or competing at the collegiate or pro level and switching careers once their playing days are over. It’s that last category that we’re after here. There are a surprising amount of former college or pro football players littered throughout wrestling history. Let’s look at the best of the best, ranking them based on their wrestling careers.
To make this list, these wrestlers will have had to at least played college football or gotten a tryout at the professional level, meaning high school stars don’t cut it (sorry MJF). This also means that former WWE champion Brock Lesnar, who had a pre-season tryout with the Minnesota Vikings (that might’ve worked had Lesnar not been injured in a car crash) after Wrestlemania XX, doesn’t make the list, because his prior football experience was limited to high school (seriously). Other notable names that just don’t make the cut include the Undertaker, Lex Luger, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, Kane, and Monty Brown — the latter played in Super Bowl XXVIII with the Buffalo Bills, but doesn’t quite have the wrestling credentials. I’m also not going to include Bron Breakker, a former Kennesaw State RB who got a shot with the Baltimore Ravens in 2020. Despite being a former NXT champion and likely future WWE champion, he hasn’t gotten those titles just yet.
HONORABLE MENTION: LAWRENCE TAYLOR/STEVE MCMICHAEL
There are a few former football players who, after a legendary n-fioeld career, wrestled basically as themselves. Perhaps the best example is Lawrence Taylor, arguably the greatest defensive player of all time, who actually main evented WrestleMania XI, defeating Bam Bam Bigelow (a result of an argument between the two at the 1995 Royal Rumble). Among those in Taylor’s corner that night was Steve McMichael, a member of the ’85 Bears. McMichael later joined WCW and became a U.S. Champion and member of the legendary Four Horsemen stable.
HONORABLE MENTION: BRONKO NAGURSKI/LEO NOMELLINI
There were other former players who took to the ring during their football careers, back in the glory days of the territories. HOFer Bronko Nagurski wrestled while with the Chicago Bears, at one point winning the NWA world title by beating wrestling icon Lou Thesz. About a decade later, Leo Nomellini became the San Francisco 49ers’ first ever draft pick. During the off-season, the future pro and college football HOFer became a ten-time NWA tag team champ, while also defeating Thesz in a two-out-of-three falls match (though he didn’t win the title).
HONORABLE MENTION: VERNE GAGNE
One of the most decorated wrestlers to never grace a WWE ring, Verne Gagne was a star of the territory days, particularly with the AWA (which he owned). After making the All-Big Ten team with Minnesota (where he also won two NCAA wrestling titles), Gange turned his attention to wrestling, winning 11 world titles across his career. Ten of those came in the AWA, adding up to the longest combined reign of any world champion in North American wrestling history. Gange is one of just seven men inducted in the WWE, WCW, and Professional Wrestling halls of fame.
HONORABLE MENTION: DICK THE BRUISER
Another star of the territories, William Afflis first found success with the Green Bay Packers, appearing in all games the team played from 1951-54. However, he suffered an injury to his larynx while playing for the Packers, ending his football career. However, he then turned to wrestling, becoming known as “Dick the Bruiser.” For the next 30+ years, he terrorized the territories as a heel, winning championships and getting into feuds with several notable stars of the day. His larynx injury also left him with a gravelly voice, which became his trademark.
HONORABLE MENTION: BRIAN PILLMAN
One of the great wrestling “what-ifs,” Brian Pillman first starred in football, setting the school record for tackles for loss at Miami University (Ohio), where he was roommates with John Harbaugh. The second-team D1 All-American later played for the Cincinnati Bengals and Calgary Stampeders. It was in Calgary where Pillman met the famous Hart family, going under their tutelage in the squared circle. Pillman worked several notable angles with the likes of Ric Flair, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, and Jushin “Thunder” Liger before his untimely death in 1997.
10. RON SIMMONS
Even if Ron Simmons never stepped foot in a squared circle, he’d still have a fantastic legacy in football. After a great tenure as a DT at Florida State (who honored his No. 50 jersey), the two-time All-American and Top 10 Heisman Trophy finisher was drafted by the Cleveland Browns. Simmons later played for the Tampa Bay bandits, where he teamed with fellow future wrestler Lex Luger. After retiring from football, Simmons became a wrestler, first achieving success as part of the Doom tag team in the NWA and WCW. It was in the latter where he defeated another member of this list to become the first African American WCW World Heavyweight Champion (and just the second black man to win a wrestling world heavyweight title). After stints with ECW and New Japan Pro-Wrestling, Simmons joined the WWF, becoming Faarooq and forming the Nation of Domination (eventually recruiting another member of the list). Simmons would later team with John “Bradshaw” Layfield to form the Acolytes, which later became the “APA.”
9. WAHOO MCDANIEL
Although his gimmick certainly wouldn’t get over today, Edward McDaniel was legitimately of indigenous descent and even wore a custom jersey with the name “Wahoo” sewn onto the back during his career. That career began at Oklahoma (where he set the school record for longest punt — 91 yards) and thrived in the AFL. After winning the inaugural AFL title with the Houston Oilers, McDaniel played with the Denver Broncos, New York Jets, and Miami Dolphins until 1968. During this time, McDaniel’s wrestling career began, with his “Chief” Wahoo McDaniel moniker being given by Vincent J. McMahon in the then-WWWF. After his football career ended, McDaniel’s wrestling career took off, with two of his feuds becoming some of the best in territory era history. The first was against “Superstar” Billy Graham, with whom McDaniel went to war with in the AWA. Then McDaniel came up against Johnny Valentine, putting on some of the hardest-hitting matches of all-time. McDaniel also faced Ric Flair during the Valentine feud.
8. ERNIE LADD
One of the largest players in pro football history, Ernie Ladd excelled no matter what athletic avenue he went down. After starring at Grambling State, Ladd spent the majority of his football career with the San Diego Chargers, winning the AFL title in 1963, becoming a three-time first-team All-AFL and four-time AFL All-Star, and being inducted into the team’s HOF. During the off-season, Ladd (nicknamed “Big Cat”) started to pick up wrestling, turning full-time after a knee injury ended his football career (which also saw stints with the Houston Oilers and Kansas City Chiefs). As one of the first African American heels in wrestling history, Ladd was put into feuds with the likes of Wahoo McDaniel, Bobo Brazil, Paul Orndorff, and even Andre the Giant. Ladd even got two cracks at the WWWF title, losing to Bruno Sammartino and Bob Backlund. After future knee problems led to his in-ring retirement, Ladd became a color commentator, calling a match at Wrestlemania 2. He later became the first inductee in both the WWE and WCW HOF.
7. BIG E
One of only two active wrestlers on this list (although he’s sadly been sidelined since March 2022 due to a broken neck), Ettore Ewen is one of the most universally loved figures in the wrestling business today. He first proved his athletic prowess by contributing as a DL for Iowa, though he was limited by injury to just one full season of production. After college, he turned to powerlifting, becoming a USA Powerlifting champion. He also began training with WWE, where he started on the NXT brand, winning the championship as “Big E Langston.” He was soon called up to the main roster. After teaming with Dolph Ziggler and AJ Lee, he would go on to win the Intercontinental title and (in 2021) the Money in the Bank, which he would cash in to win the WWE title. But Big E is most famous for teaming with Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods to form The New Day, arguably the greatest tag team in WWE history. The trio have won a combined eight tag team titles and sold a trillion dollars’ worth of merchandise, and birthed many memes.
6. BIG VAN VADER
One of the greatest wrestlers to never win the WWE title (you can thank Shawn Michaels), Leon White started out as a football star. He was a nationally-ranked center who was recruited by 40 colleges, eventually choosing Colorado, where he became a second-team All-American OG. He was drafted by the Los Angeles Rams, where he played two years (the second seeing the Rams go to Super Bowl XIV). White was hampered by injuries and eventually retired due to a ruptured patella. Then, while working out, he was spotted by a man who suggested he look into wrestling. A super-heavyweight monster with shocking agility, he debuted in New Japan Pro-Wrestling as Big Van Vader, famously defeating the iconic Antonio Inoki, which caused a riot that caused NJPW to be banned from its home arena for two years. Vader would have a fantastic run as one of the biggest, baddest heels on the planet, winning the IWGP and WCW Heavyweight titles and generally wrecking shit. He was inducted into the WWE HOF last year.
5. GOLDBERG
Probably the most legitimately terrifying person on this list (in both football and kayfabe), Bill Goldberg is one of wrestling’s most badass characters. Goldberg’s football career saw him play DT at Georgia, being drafted by the Los Angeles Rams. His tenure in the NFL also saw him suit up for the Atlanta Falcons and become the first player ever cut by the Carolina Panthers. He also spent time here in the Capitol City with the Sacramento Surge (where he won World Bowl II) and Sacramento Gold Miners. After injuries ended his football career, Goldberg was spotted by Lex Luger and Sting, who convinced him to start wrestling. He signed with WCW and was built as an unbeatable machine, amassing an alleged unbeaten record of 137-0 en route to winning the WCW World Heavyweight title. After the streak was broken in one of the dumbest wrestling decisions ever, Goldberg spent a few years in WWE before he retired. 12 years later, Goldberg returned and (somewhat controversially) won the Universal Championship twice.
4. ROMAN REIGNS
Born into the legendary Anoa’i wrestling family, Leati Joseph Anoa’i seemed destined to achieve success no matter what he did. The first part of that success came on the football field, where he was a first-team All-ACC DT with Georgia Tech (and teammates with Calvin Johnson). His NFL career was impacted by the first of unfortunately multiple diagnoses of leukemia, only playing for the Minnesota Vikings and Jacksonville Jaguars during the 2007 off-season. After one season with the Edmonton Eskimos, Anoa’i decided to turn to the family business. Now known as Roman Reigns, he made his main WWE debut as a member of The Shield, which became one of the most popular tag teams in wrestling history. Once they broke up (thanks, Seth Rollins), Reigns would be pushed heavily as a singles star, though title wins didn’t negate fan backlash to that push. It was only after turning heel as the Tribal Chief in 2020 that he finally achieved his full potential, though he still should’ve lost to Cody Rhodes (yes I’m still mad).
3. JOHN CENA
Unlike most of the people on this list, John Cena did not play Division I football. While Cena only reached Division III with Springfield College, he did become an All-American C. Don’t worry — Cena would have much more prominent success as a wrestler. After moving across the country to become a bodybuilder, Cena was convinced to try wrestling, where he debuted in WWE as “The Prototype.” This character was getting nowhere and Cena was on the verge of getting cut, when a chance conversation with Vince McMahon’s daughter, Stephanie, led him to try out a rapper gimmick. The “Doctor of Thuganomics” shot Cena’s popularity through the roof, leading to him becoming the top star in WWE. When the company turned PG, Cena was turned into the colorful shirt-wearing, “never give up” Super Cena character you know him as today, though a lot of people turned on him as a result (it didn’t stop him from tying Ric Flair’s world title record). Cena has also broken the record for most wishes ever granted for Make-A-Wish.
2. THE ROCK
Do… do I really have to explain who The Rock is? Well, before he became one of the highest-paid actors and most famous people in the world, Dwayne Johnson tried to make a name for himself on the football field. Although he was a member of Miami’s 1991 national championship team as a DT, Johnson struggled for playing time, being stuck behind the likes of Warren Sapp on the depth chart. After a short stint with the Calgary Stampeders, Johnson did what many in the Anoa’i family did — turn to wrestling. Breaking into the WWE as Rocky Maivia, Johnson’s clean-cut character was loathed by fans. Needing a refresh, he turned heel by joining the Nation of Domination, eventually overthrowing Farooq as its leader. It was during this time that he began to let some of his natural charisma flow, slowly becoming The Rock. You know what happened next — The Rock is regarded as one of the greatest wrestlers of all-time and arguably the best ever on the microphone. In fact, many say The Rock is only surpassed on the GOAT list by one man.
1. “STONE COLD” STEVE AUSTIN
Steve Anderson was born in the small town of Edna, TX. Like most small towns in the Lone Star State, Edna loved football. So did Anderson — his play led to him receiving a full scholarship from North Texas, where he switched from LB to DE due to a knee injury. But after his playing days were over, he turned to his first love — wrestling. Rebranded as Steve Austin, he worked his way up to WCW, where he got the nickname “Stunning” and earned praise for his strong work in both the singles and tag divisions. While rehabbing an injury in 1995, Austin was fired by WCW, who infamously didn’t see him as a marketable wrestler. After a stint in ECW, Austin joined WWE, where he was first billed as “The Ringmaster.” But he would later shave his head and switch to a more badass gimmick, becoming known as “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. The new character was perfect for the Attitude Era, with Austin (thanks to his feud with Vince McMahon) leading the WWE’s boom period and becoming arguably the most popular wrestler ever.
CHOOSE YOUR WRESTLER
In Part 1 of this newsletter, I compared each of the playoff teams to current pro wrestlers. But the opportunity to compare us dozen delinquents to people who travel across the country and do flippy shit/fake fight/bleed with each other is too good to limit to just one segment. I am one of two people in this league who actually pays attention to wrestling (and one of three who has ever done so), so there’s a chance to make some connections and open some eyes. But instead of comparing your teams to wrestlers, I’m gonna see how well I know each of you by suggesting a wrestler for each of you, one who could be your favorite/one of your favorites. Maybe you end up looking up each wrestler and following their careers, getting into wrestling in the process. Maybe you just skim this section like you do every part of every newsletter. Who knows? Anyway, this will be based on a mix of personality, history between you and I, and other factors. Because there’s more than just one major wrestling company out there, I’m also going to include a second option, trying to not have both be from the same place. Let’s start with the easy ones.
With all due respect to the likes of Sami Zayn, Jon Moxley, Randy Orton, Adam Copeland, Drew McIntyre, Keith Lee, Kevin Owens, Konosuke Takeshita, Sheamus, Swerve Strickland, Finn Balor, Powerhouse Hobbs, Jey Uso, Jay White, Gunther, the Acclaimed, the New Day, Bryan Danielson, Chad Gable, Eddie Kingston, Solo Sikoa, Bayley, Toni Storm, Liv Morgan, Hikaru Shida, Chelsea Green, the Dark Order, Hiroshi Tanahashi, and of course R-Truth…
RUBEN: CODY RHODES (HM: KENNY OMEGA)
If you also skimmed over my lengthy bit about wrestling in the draft newsletter, you missed how my journey into the wild world of wrestling was sparked by Cody Rhodes’ landmark return to WWE, years after he founded their biggest competition in AEW. He also ended up becoming my favorite wrestler due to his real life journey, badass presentation, wrestling ability, and connection with the fans. He also main evented the first wrestling PPV I ever watched (taking part in Hell in a Cell with a torn fucking peck), so it’s just destiny at this point. I will never stop bitching about the ending to Wrestlemania 39 and may have to go to Philadelphia in April to make things right. There are other wrestlers that have caught my attention, most of all Kenny Omega. The former AEW & NJPW champ may be the greatest in-ring wrestler of all-time and regularly balls the fuck out. He also happens to be a massive nerd, whose ring gear and entrances often contain video game references. Also, shoutout to Asuka and Kris Statlander, my favorite women’s wrestlers.
CHRISS: REY MYSTERIO (HM: MALAKAI BLACK)
I am fully confident I got Chriss’ favorite wrestler right… because I asked him. Chriss is the only other actual wrestling fan in the league, so I knew I actually had to put the correct answer. Rey Mysterio was Chriss’ choice, which makes a lot of sense. Arguably the greatest luchador of all-time, Mysterio has been tearing it up for WWE for the better part of the past 20 years, captivating fans with his high-flying offense and colorful gear. The fact that Mysterio has never turned heel in his career is also impressive, although he’s sired arguably the biggest heel in WWE in his son, Dominik. But while I did ask Chriss who his favorite wrestler is, I didn’t ask about his second-favorite. Even if I get this one wrong, at least I won’t fuck up the main guess. While I could use Chriss’ favorite wrestler of all-time in “Stone Cold” Steve Austin as inspiration, I’m instead going to take a guess, and an outside one at that. Let’s go with Malakai Black, the leader of the spooky House of Black who’s badass, has some incredible skill, and boasts one of the best finishers.
DAD: SANTOS ESCOBAR (HM: RICKY STARKS)
Believe it or not, Dad actually has decades of wrestling fandom on us, having attended the 1993 Royal Rumble at ARCO Arena (the tickets were, I shit you not, an early Valentine’s Day gift from my mom). Anyway, Dad’s two favorite wrestlers growing up were “Soul Man” Rocky Johnson and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. But I only know adult Dad, who has an affinity for Hispanic MMA fighters and boxers. Therefore, I suggest one of the biggest rising Hispanic wrestling stars: Santos Escobar. The former lucha star recently turned heel on lucha GOAT Rey Mysterio and the Latino World Order. Escobar killed it on NXT as a heel and should do well in the near future on the main roster. If Escobar doesn’t work, might I suggest someone who’s been positively compared to the son of the “Soul Man”? Ricky Starks is an up and coming star in AEW and one half of the current tag team champs. Starks is incredible in the ring and quite the talker, with his presentation and promo ability drawing parallels with The Rock. Starks could “Absolutely” be a world champ.
JIMMY: “HANGMAN” ADAM PAGE (HM: KEVIN OWENS)
When he’s not at work, Jimmy likes to do two things: drink and scream “Yeehaw!”. Those are also two things “Hangman” Adam Page likes to do. Page is one of the most popular faces in AEW, redefining what it means to be a face with his “anxious millennial cowboy” persona. Page’s run to the AEW World title in 2021 was one of the greatest characterarcs in wrestling history and probably the best story AEW has ever produced. Although he’s no longer champion, Page is still one of AEW’s top guys, with tremendous ability to go in the ring and on the mic, as well as a killer catchphrase (“Cowboy shit”). Just look at his match last month at Full Gear (I saw it in person), where he fucking drank “Swerve” Strickland’s blood. If “Cowboy shit” isn’t up Jimmy’s alley, how about a prizefighter? Kevin Owens is a big wrestler with a dad bod who just beats the shit out of people. In addition to being an extremely versatile and safe worker (being trusted to wrestle a 57-year-old “Stone Cold” Steve Austin), Owens is also one of the funniest men in the business.
NICK: LA KNIGHT (HM: KAZUCHIKA OKADA)
This is just going for the low-hanging fruit. Nick is a massive Dodgers fan and LA Knight literally has “L.A.” in his name. I mean, even his titantron is blue and white. But there are plenty of other reasons for Nick (and others) to like LA Knight. First off, he finally got his big break this year at the age of 41 — he honed his craft for years in the independent circuit and NXT, while grinding in the acting world by appearing in commercials for everything from Aldi and the Jewelry Exchange as well as Animal Planet and Brooklyn Nine-Nine. But he broke through, thanks to his charisma, throwback gimmick that’s a combination of “Stone Cold” Steve Austin and The Rock, and electric promo ability. Just look at his contract signing against Roman Reigns and tell me this man isn’t a megastar, with everybody saying L-A Knight (yeah!). Speaking of electric, Kazuchika Okada may be the greatest wrestler of all-time, with his famous “Rainmaker” gimmick putting him in legend territory. I can honestly see Nick unironically buring one of Okada’s famous Rainmaker robes.
ARIK: ROMAN REIGNS (HM: SAMOA JOE)
While he’s a Raiders fan like every good red-blooded human, Arik is also a lakers fan, so let’s give him the wrestling equivalent of the team the Kings smacked last month. As mentioned earlier, Roman Reigns comes from wrestling royalty, being a part of the legendary Anoa’i family. However, aside from his time with the Shield, Reigns was largely derided by fans for the majority of his career, with the WWE force-feeding him to the masses as a blue-eyed babyface in a tone-deaf manner (even by company standards). But his current spell as the Tribal Chief has finally seen him realize his potential as the biggest star in wrestling, embarking on a record-long title reign that should’ve ended at Wrestlemania 39 and hopefully will end at Wrestlemania XL. If we want to get rid of Reigns but keep the badass Samoan part, what better alternative than Samoa Joe? He’s been an incredibly menacing, underrated worker who’s been denied a run as a champion in a major organization. Fortunately for him, that’s likely to change soon over in AEW.
RIAZ: ORANGE CASSIDY (HM: SETH ROLLINS)
This year, Riaz has the chance to do something historic — go from last place to champion in the span of a single season. It’s a rise that mirrors the popularity of Orange Cassidy on the larger wrestling stage. Cassidy might have the best gimmick in wrestling, one in which he seemingly doesn’t give a shit, lazily moving in and out of the ring and often leaving his hands in his pockets. But what makes the gimmick work is that Cassidy is actually excellent in the ring, and shows it off whenever he’s pushed or pissed off. Cassidy has gone from meme to AEW International champ, becoming (ironically) arguably the hardest worker and most popular wrestler in the company. Plus, his overall character and presentation are hilarious. The polar opposite of Cassidy, in terms of giving a shit about his presentation, is Seth Rollins. The current WWE Heavyweight champ is one of the most flamboyant and extra wrestlers out there, but backs it up in the ring as one of the best, most consistent workers in the company. Plus, his theme song gets a major crowd reaction.
RICHARD: MATT RIDDLE (HM: MJF)
Apart from Kazuchika Okada, Matt Riddle is the only non-WWE/AEW wrestler to make the list. Riddle — a former UFC fighter and legitimate tough guy — was with WWE less than three months ago. However, Riddle left amid the latest in a series of… let’s call them “controversies.” But I still have Riddle as the potential favorite for Richard for two reasons. First, as a Cowboys fan, he should be familiar with dealing with controversies (and losing to people from the Bay Area). Then, most importantly, we have Riddle’s gimmick — he’s a massive stoner (he was released by the UFC for multiple positive marijuana tests) and half of his presentation involves the word “bro.” If you know Richard, you know why I had to keep that connection. But to give him someone to root for on the big stage, how about the current (for now) AEW champ and a potential future wrestling GOAT? Maxwell Jacob Friedman (MJF) is incredible on the mic and in the ring, captivating fans as a despicable heel and semi-face. I can see Richard wearing one of his burberry scarves.
EMILIO: JOHNNY GARGANO (HM: CHRISTIAN CAGE)
Although he has yet to make it big on the main roster, Johnny Gargano is beloved by fans for his run on WWE’s developmental brand, NXT. It was in NXT that Gargano became one of the most beloved babyfaces (and eventually one of its best heels) while putting on banger after banger seemingly every week. Although he’s had to battle stereotypes — such as not being the biggest or strongest — Gargano (known as “Johnny Wrestling”) can out-wrestle anyone and has shown incredible character work during his legendary feud with Tomasso Ciampa (one of the best in wrestling history). Plus, Gargano himself is a father of a young child, so Emilio should relate there. But arguably the “best” father in wrestling right now is Christian Cage. The current AEW TNT champ is in the middle of a career renaissance, parlaying a feud in which he made fun of Beverly Hills, 90210 actor Luke Perry being dead into becoming perhaps the biggest heel in the company and the leader of a stable called “The Patriarchy.” Trust me, it makes sense in context.
ALY: RHEA RIPLEY/BECKY LYNCH (HM: KRIS STATLANDER)
I genuinely could not leave either Rhea Ripley or Becky Lynch off Aly’s list. Both are perfect. The female version of “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, Lynch is one of the greatest women’s wrestlers of all-time, with her natural badassery and promo ability turning her into a mega star. Meanwhile, Ripley is currently the biggest star in the women’s game today. Drawing comparisons to WWE HOFer Chyna, Ripley is the reigning WWE Women’s World Champion and the de-facto leader of The Judgement Day, the biggest heel faction in the company. Ripley has even squared up with male wrestlers at times, while Lynch has become known as “The Man.” There’s a good chance Ripley will defend her title against Lynch at Wrestlemania XL, so maybe Aly could follow that build and pick a winner. I do want to include an “honorable mention,” so let’s go with Kris Statlander. Badass and hilarious, Statlander may have just lost her AEW TBS title (without being pinned, mind you). But she appears to be ready to move up and go for the AEW Women’s World title.
EWING: BRON BREAKKER (HM: WARDLOW)
By far the best actual wrestler in the league, Ewing took part in the sport in high school. He also played football in college, which (along with wrestling) is something he has in common with Bron Breakker. The son of Rick Steiner (who, along with his brother, Scott, is a WWE HOFer as part of the Steiner Brothers tag team), Breakker is one of the brightest prospects in wrestling. While he’s still in NXT, Breakker is projected to be a future Wrestlemania main-eventer and right now may have the best “spear” finisher in the business. But here’s why I link Breaker with Ewing — before starting his wrestling career, the former Kennesaw State RB was signed by the Baltimore Ravens as an undrafted free agent in 2020 (he was released months later). But yeah, former Raven = sign Ewing up. Sticking with the “wrestling” angle, Ewing can also go with Wardlow, a massive human being who slams people into the ground until they stop moving. Although he was in a bit of a lull, Wardlow is getting more TV time and is part of the biggest story in AEW right now.
KYLE: WILL OSPREAY (HM: CM PUNK)
Kyle likes a lot of things from England, particularly London. Will Ospreay is from London… and he also may be the best wrestler in the world right now. Veteran wrestling journalist Dave Meltzer famously rates all major wrestling matches on a five-star scale (which has created absolutely no controversy at all). This year alone, Ospreay has taken part in eight “five-star” or higher matches, breaking the all-time record with 32 such matches in his career (the next three best have 25). Ospreay can do it all — wrestle, cut a promo (with liberal use of the word “bruv”), and entertain the masses. Given that the 30-year-old NJPW star has just signed with AEW and is in the prime of his career, there should be plenty more incredible matches to look forward to (including at least one more showdown with Kenny Omega, because their first two were fucking incredible). As for the honorable mention, let’s go with one that gives Kyle hope that Arsenal can finally win the Premier League again. Because if CM Punk can return to WWE, truly anything can happen.
QUARTER-FINAL PREVIEW
1. WELL DAMN VS. 8. HOG WILD
On paper, this should be the most lopsided quarter-final matchup. We have the unquestioned best team in the regular season on a nine-game winning streak, facing a team that stumbled ass backwards into the playoffs. However, there are big questions for both Well Damn and Hog Wild. Perhaps the most consequential one might actually fall to Chriss, and it’s about the QB position. Geno Smith is the proven vet in a potentially worse matchup, while Browning is the unproven fill-in that has a better matchup and is playing quite well. Who should he start? Still, it might not matter, given that Chriss has such a stacked lineup. As for Jimmy, the spotlight is once again on Tua Tagovailoa and Tyreek Hill. Both are coming off bad nights and are facing a great Jets defense that limited the Dolphins the last time they played them. If it comes down to the rest of the lineup, Jimmy just might not have the firepower to go toe-to-toe with Chriss’ scorching squad. Side note: these may be the shortest combined team names of any playoff matchup ever.
4. ALREADY INVESTED $$ VS. 5. C’MON CHARBIE LET’S GO PARTY
If recent trends are to be believed, what seeding wise should be the closest matchup actually may end up being the easiest to call. What trends are we talking about? Mostly, the patented Nick season-ending losing streak. C’Mon Charbie Let’s Go Party has dropped their last five games and is facing the second-highest scoring team in Already Invested $$. What’s more, Emilio’s lineup looks like it will be dropping plenty of points. While Dak Prescott, De’Von Achane, and D.K. Metcalf have tough matchups, they should still be productive. But Puka Nacua, Austin Ekeler, Bijan Robinson, Harrison Butker, and the 49ers defense should all go gangbusters this weekend. Meanwhile, Nick has a dilemma with Saquon Barkley going up against the Saints defense, while Stefon Diggs and Jaylen Waddle have been inconsistent lately. If neither of them can get past their own tough matchups, Nick will have to rely on Russell Wilson against a desperate Lions squad and Zach Moss against the tough Steelers defense. Will the losing streak continue?
2. IT MEANS MOORE VS. 7. THREE EYED RAVENS
The one opponent Kyle was hoping to avoid is in fact the one he faces in the quarter-finals. After a season of winning despite largely failing to score a lot of points, Kyle now has to face the guy who beat him in last year’s Epic Bowl. Ewing may have barely made the playoffs, but with future parent juju and recent history on his side, Kyle has to be scared. When it comes to the actual football being played, both It Means Moore and Three Eyed Ravens are full of talented players having inconsistent seasons. That’s apart from RBs, with Rachaad White, Kyren Williams, and David Montgomery likely to keep thriving. Who would’ve thought we would have a legitimate question of who would be more productive: Pat Mahomes or Sam Howell? Despite the matchups for both QBs, that question is legitimate this season. But this matchup could come down to arguably the hottest player in either lineup: Deebo Samuel. Samuel has been feasting lately. Should San Francisco continue to give him the rock, it could give Ewing a major advantage.
3. FOOTBALLDAMUS VS. 6. QUEEN’S GAMBIT
In perhaps the most intriguing matchup of this round, a veteran with arguably his best shot at a title faces a rookie trying to do something not achieved since her husband did it in the first year of the Epic League. Aly is not only being fueled by future parent powers, but also the desperation of the Bills. Josh Allen, James Cook, and Dalton Kincaid have largely been killing it against tough competition, with another tough test against Dallas. That being said, the rest of Queen’s Gambit are either facing tough matchups as well or being potentially hampered by backup QBs. That position is the biggest question Footballdamus is facing this week, thanks to Justin Herbert’s season-ending injury. As of this writing, Riaz has yet to make a decision, though it will likely be between Tommy DeVito and Joe Flacco. Fantasy football, everyone! What’s more, Herbert’s absence could hurt Keenan Allen’s production. Riaz may need Travis Kelce, Derrick Henry, Raheem Mostert, and DeVonta Smith to step up to make up for any lack of production.
ONE LAST THING
More than a few times, I’ve used this section to suggest an activity for us to take part in and enjoy. Whether it be attending various sporting events to other trips or adventures, whatever I suggest in this section has historically come to pass approximately zero percent of the time. Honestly, why even bother? Well, no one has ever claimed that I’m not stubborn. This time, I’m back with a proposal that’s not only the most realistic and would take the least overall effort, but may end up being the most fun.
Here’s a truth about us: we’re sports junkies who could not only entertain ourselves by just naming random athletes, but have actually done so on multiple occasions. We also love bits of trivia which challenge our knowledge of sports — it’s one of the best ways to prove you’re a fan of the games you live. Here’s a truth about me: I love putting shows on and entertaining people is one of my favorite creative outlets, as evident by this newsletter you’re reading. I’ve also been following this YouTube channel that plays a lot of board games and themed quizzes, adjusted to be themed around wrestling. So why not combine all of this? Well, except for the wrestling bit — I’m not going to force you guys to play wrestling trivia.
Here’s what I mean: I propose we have a sports trivia game night, one where we play several themed games/quizzes and whoever has the most points at the end wins. I volunteer to host and act as the game master, which means I won’t play. Not only will this level the playing field (let’s be honest, I would fucking smoke you all in general sports trivia), but I’m already used to having to manage you psychopaths. Here’s how it would work: we would play about 6-8 games that take about 15/20 minutes, with varying mechanics, scoring systems, and overall structure. Some would be every man for themselves, some would be team vs. team, some would be a mix. This would be much more than just something like, “who is the current NFL MVP?” and a little less obscure than, “which offensive lineman gave up the fewest sacks on the 1987 St. Louis Cardinals?”. I’d ask the questions and make sure the rest of you are playing correctly. Oh yeah, and drinking is not only allowed, but encouraged. That’s Rule No. 1.
A few parameters would have to be established by group opinion before I can even begin to plan this, apart from things like “date,” “time,” and “number of participants.” While I would prefer that we did this in person, I know that would require a lot of coordination, which we’re not good at. So if an in-person game night can’t work, we can do it on Zoom — I can adjust the format and which games we would play. Then, we would have to determine what kind of trivia we would compete over. Given that we’re all in a fantasy football league, we could make this a football-only trivia contest. We could also expand it to the three sports all (well, most) of generally know best: football, baseball, and basketball. Either way, we could also limit the trivia to the professional ranks or include the college level. Once we get those specifics established (and choose a date and time), I’ll begin to craft a contest for you all to have fun and prove you’re better than the rest of us. Because as a whole, that’s what we want to prove when we flex our trivia knowledge: that we know more than everyone else.
Anyway, let me know what you all think. I think that a sports trivia competition involving alcohol sounds like a fucking blast, but I’m just me.
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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