Ruben's Writings

Well… this is unexpected. 

No, I’m not talking about the fact that we saw nearly every higher seed eliminated in the quarter-finals, though that was pretty crazy. I’m actually referring to this newsletter as a whole, the fact that it exists. This is the first set of newsletters I’ve done in back-to-back weeks in nearly two years, after I decided to go to a monthlyish format. So, what gives? What made me decide to go back to the old format (for now, anyway)? Was it due to the nature of the crazy playoffs? Was it because I got a really good idea for a segment or theme? Did something so gobsmacking happen in the NFL (like the Raiders-Chargers game) that it forced my hand? Did the fact that no one except Dad responded to my proposal about trivia night piss me off to the point where I needed to draft an entire newsletter out of spite?

No. The fact of the matter is that over the weekend, I tested positive for COVID-19. Fortunately, it’s a mild case, with my symptoms being largely limited to a fuck ton of coughing and a runny nose. However, because I’m positive, I’ve been confined to my room. I can’t go to work and am limited in what I can even do for work while on my laptop at home. I was even supposed to go to the Kings game on Saturday, but obviously had to stay behind. Instead, Gabby of all people got to witness Keegan Murray’s historic 47-point, 12/13 from three performance, while I had to follow updates online. Those sour grapes aside, being confined to my room for the past several days has left me bored as fuck. There’s only so much internet browsing, Christmas shopping, and video game playing I can do before it all gets old (I did finally play and beat The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask, however). So I decided, screw it, why not spruce up another newsletter?

So yeah… here it is. As for a theme, I genuinely have no good idea. So let me explain what meal I’ve been having at least once per day since I tested positive…

(cue theme music)

Well… except the soda part. I don’t drink soda. Just replace “soda” with “Gatorade” and you get the idea…

QUARTER-FINAL RECAP

1. WELL DAMN DEF. 8. HOG WILD

119.06 – 107.06

We knew shit was going to get crazy after Thursday, when Wild Hog surged out to a shocking lead over Well Damn thanks to a seismic 25-point effort from the Raiders defense. Jimmy kept that strong start going with another 23 points from Sam LaPorta on Saturday and a nice game from Amari Cooper (16 points) early on Sunday. Another good day from Jake Browning (19 points) kept things from turning into a total blowout, but by all accounts Jimmy was leading the charge in a historic, upset-heavy quarter-finals. Alas, it was not to be — Jimmy’s push ran out of steam thanks to poor efforts from Javonte Williams and D.J. Moore, while Chriss continued to prove why he was the top seed going into the playoffs. That was largely because of Christian McCaffrey (36 points) falling to him at pick No. 5, with the real NFL MVP going absolutely gangbusters to keep Chriss’ season alive. Sadly, Marquise Brown provided nothing for Jimmy, while Travis Etienne’s efforts were too little, too late. At least Jimmy can rest easy in defeat.

7. THREE EYED RAVENS DEF. 2. IT MEANS MOORE

120.60 – 78.88

Goddamn it — the Ewings are gonna keep the trophy, aren’t they? The powers Ewing has gotten from his personal life upgrades are like the infinity stones going into Thanos’ gauntlet. How else do you explain a force strong enough to halt the bullshit run of luck Kyle was on all season? Even Kyle knew that It Means Moore was done once Three Eyed Ravens were locked in as a quarter-final opponent. That result was practically etched into stone when the Chargers defense gave up on Brandon Staley and got a second asshole torn into them by the Raiders (oh, you know there will be more on that later). While Kyle would get some help from Rachaad White and Kyren Williams (19 points each), they were by far his most productive players. Sam Howell was found lacking, Ja’Marr Chase was mediocre before getting dinged up, and Bobby Okereke, Garrett Wilson, and Zay Flowers did basically nothing (though the latter may have been a bit of home cooking). The Dolphins defense (24 points) was more than enough to put Ewing over the top.

6. QUEEN’S GAMBIT DEF. 3. FOOTBALLDAMUS

135.76 – 80.56

Continuing the “Ewing as Thanos” analogy, if he does reach a second straight Epic Bowl, it will likely cost him everything. That’s because his semi-final opponent happens to be none other than his wife. Aly is 1/1 in her playoff career, having just taken Riaz’s best season ever and stomping a mudhole in its ass. Put it this way — Dalton Kincaid did not score a point, yet Aly still beat Riaz by 55 points. A good part of that would be down to the other Bills on Queen’s Gambit — James Cook (34 points) and Josh Allen (16 points). Buffalo’s eternal partners in suffering, the Minnesota Vikings, also helped out, with Jordan Addison (23 points) and Ty Chandler (21 points) throwing a lot of money into the “completely bury Riaz” fund. Put it another way — the highest-scoring member of Footballdamus (Joe Flacco [19 points]) was the fifth-highest scorer of the matchup. Apart from Flacco and Raheem Mostert (16 points), Riaz’s lineup fell completely flat, with his best players missing in action (not to mention Justin Herbert and Keenan Allen). Tough, tough break. 

5. C’MON CHARBIE LET’S GO PARTY DEF. 4. ALREADY INVESTED $$

109.42 – 62.16

To complete the trilogy of “disappointing higher seeds getting absolutely smacked in the quarter-finals,” we have Emilio, who gives us hope that maybe the Ewings won’t dominate the league next year. Even though Emilio had the “new parent powers” the two are seeking, he still got “sonned” Nick, who, like Aly and Ewing, are on that “pre-parent” high. While C’mon Charbie Let’s Go Party is named in part after a member of the Seahawks, it was former Mr. Seattle himself, Russell Wilson (17 points), who spearheaded the assault against Already Invested $$. Add in Jahmyr Gibbs (22 points), Jaylen Waddle (20 points), and the Saints defense (14 points), and Nick could have won with just those four. Emilio, like Riaz in his matchup, only had the fifth-highest scorer here, with that being the 49ers defense (12 points). San Francisco and Harrison Butker were the only ones to give Emilio double-digit points, with Dak Prescott, D.K. Metcalf, Puka Nacua, Austin Ekeler, and Bijan Robinson being shells of themselves at the worst time.

STANDINGS

DRINK PUNISHMENT TRACKER:

1. Jimmy (119.44) –> Aly (55.84) & Ewing (86.14)* [Shot of Fireball]
2. Chriss (146.66) –> Ruben (51.25) [Voodoo Ranger Imperial IPA]
3. Richard (143.68) & Emilio (143.28)** –> Kyle (74.96) [Modelo Especial] and Ruben (74.36) [805]**
4. Richard (124.74) –> Ruben (83.64) & Jimmy (83.18) [Modelo Especial]***
5. Jimmy (180.82) –> Richard (66.34) [Device Brewing Curious Haze]
6. Riaz (138.67) –> Richard (73.32) [Voodoo Ranger Fruit Force IPA]
7. Ewing (135.16) –> Kyle (57.76) [Coors Light]****
8. Chriss (138.16)***** –> Ruben (77.52) [Lagunitas Tiki Fuson Zombie Cocktail-Inspired IPA]******
9. Kyle (133.50) –> Ewing (76.70) [Dominga Mimosa Sour]
10. Chriss (139.36) –> Ruben (65.16) [Stone IPA]*******
11. Aly (121.90) –> Arik (75.94) [Choc Tease BuzzBall]
12. Chriss (140.46) –> Richard (67.58) [Sierra Nevada Hazy Little Thing IPA]
13. Ewing (150.60) –> Richard (50.90) [Tequila Rita BuzzBall]********
14. Ewing (114.04) –> Richard (77.58) [Device Brewing Brits in Moscow]*********
15. Aly (135.76) –> Emilio (62.16) [Shot of some alcohol]**********

* Ewing voluntarily took a shot in shame after losing to Ruben

** Each pair — Richard and Emilio as well as Kyle and Ruben) — was separated by less than a point, so two drink choosers and drinkers were selected. Richard and Emilio each made a selection, while Kyle got to pick which drink to consume

*** Ruben and Jimmy finished within a point of each other, so both had to drink

**** Kyle got to choose the beer, but Ewing requested he shotgun it

***** Dad had a higher score, but he’s not taking part in this side-bet, so the choosing power defaulted to Chriss

****** Ruben drank two of the beers, Stone Cold style, in celebration of Josh McDaniels’ firing

******* Ruben drank two of the beers, because… well… oh shit do I have a problem?

******** Richard drank two of them for the lols and there was no controversy whatsoever

********* Ewing let Richard choose his drink out of mercy/pity

********** Aly let Emilio choose which alcohol to drink, only insisting he chase with his daughter’s sippy cup

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: While realistically anyone wearing Silver and Black should get this honor, I’ll instead honor the team that pulled a Raiders and scored the most points this week. Ty Chandler (21 points) and Jordan Addison (23 points) would’ve been enough for the win. But holy fuck, James Cook put up 34 goddamn points, which turned an easy victory for Aly into a major playoff ass-kicking.

WORST: For the first time, there’s a three-way tie for any one of these categories. How else can we properly put the dirt poor showings from Kyle, Riaz, and Emilio in perspective? While Kyle’s lack of scoring has been known (more on that in a minute), Riaz and Emilio have no excuse. Both finished virtually tied for 2nd in scoring this season, only to lay an egg when it really mattered.

TRANSACTION

BEST: While Aly could’ve had like three players missing from her lineup and still won, the fact remains that she made an excellent pickup with Ty Chandler. With Alexander Mattison out hurt, Chandler stepped up and put up 21 points, more than twice his projection. Jimmy also gets props for adding the Raiders defense (25 points), but that doesn’t offset some of his other decisions.

WORST: With Tyreek Hill out, Jimmy needed another player for his FLEX. He dropped Dameon Pierce for Marquise Brown, which was a mistake. While Pierce put up a mere three yards, it was still three more yards than Brown (who didn’t catch a pass before leaving with an injury) put up. Put it this way: I was the one who released Brown. If he couldn’t make it on my team, stay away.

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: For pretty much all season, Gabe Davis has been in Ewing’s lineup. Davis is the definition of a “boom or bust’ player, with him doing a hell of a lot more busting lately (phrasing). After another goose egg, Ewing finally had enough and benched Davis, who sure enough had another zero-point effort. In his place, Keaton Mitchell put up eight points before his unfortunate injury.

WORST: Remember that Marquise Brown decision? Had Jimmy instead used his other pickup — Zamir White — he would still be in the playoffs. With Josh Jacobs out, White was destined to see at least good playing time against a fading Chargers squad. True to expectations, White finished with 14 points, which would’ve beaten Chriss. Instead, they were wasted on Jimmy’s bench.

LUCK

BEST: Not only was Chriss the only higher seed to survive the quarter-finals, but he did so against by far the highest-scoring team that lost. As a whole, Chriss’ lineup wasn’t that good. But it was thanks to the luck way back at the draft — that saw Christian McCaffrey drop to the 5th pick — that Chriss won. 36 points were more than enough to push Chriss past a potential upset.

WORST: This could easily go to Jimmy, who had to deal with Tyreek Hill’s injury. But I’m instead going to give this section to Kyle, because for once his lack of scoring finally came back to bite him on the ass. Winning plenty despite finishing with the third-fewest total points scored, Kyle finally ran out of luck, actually being punished at the worst time: when it actually mattered.

IN MEMORIAM

8. HOG WILD

It’s ironic that Wild Hog was eliminated by Well Damn, which was the one team standing in between them and Christian McCaffrey. However, it was Jimmy’s next pick that set the tone for his season: Tyreek Hill. Throw in Jimmy’s choice of QB, Tua Tagovailoa, and the Dolphins suddenly became his second-favorite team this season. The duo certainly paid off early, with Miami’s high-flying offense — combined with a stupidly productive run from Travis Etienne — putting Hog Wild among the best teams in the league throughout the first half of the season. But it was the second half that gave him some trouble. Hill, Tagovailoa, and Etienne stopped being quite so productive, while 3rd round pick Dameon Pierce fell off the earth. A four-game losing streak put Jimmy in trouble and a split in his final four games had him on the edge. Fortunately, four other teams sucked more than Jimmy, so he got to slide into the playoffs. Still, Jimmy gave the aforementioned Chriss everything he had and can walk away with his head held high.

4. ALREADY INVESTED $$

Emilio has been well known in the league, but this may have been his best season yet. It also happened despite Already Invested $$ getting the last pick. Even so, Emilio quitely built a solid roster with the likes of Austin Ekeler, Bijan Robinson, Jalen Hurts, D.K. Metcalf, and perhaps the steal of the draft in Dak Prescott. In fact, you can make the argument that Emilio keeping both Hurts and Prescott was more of a detriment than aid (though lord knows he tried to trade at least one of them away). Although Emilio started the year 0-2 and then 3-4, he was consistently scoring points. In fact, only once in the regular season did Emilio tally fewer than 90 points, with only four total weeks dipping below 100 points. As the season unfolded, Emilio’s record more properly reflected his lineup’s ability, although some more bad luck pushed him down to the 4 seed. Unfortunately for him, a second sub-90 point performance would follow in the quarter-finals, with Emilio being eliminated after his roster’s overall worst effort of the entire year.

3. FOOTBALLDAMUS

While Footballdamus is familiar with having their season recap posted around this time, the number that usually precedes the name is usually 7 or 8 — last year it was even 12. But this time, it’s 3, which implies both a more successful yet disappointing campaign. Indeed, after becoming the first recipient of the Jop last year, Riaz looked to bounce back in a big way. Despite having the 11th pick, Riaz put together a lineup consisting of Travis Kelce, Derrick Henry, Justin Herbert, DeVonta Smith, Keenan Allen, Breece Hall, and Raheem Mostert. The result was something the league had never seen: Riaz at the top of the standings for pretty much all season. In fact, it took a meteoric rise from Chriss and a dip at the end of the season (three straight losses despite scoring over 100 points each time) for Riaz to not finish at the top of the list when the regular season came to a close. But like the team we just discussed, Riaz’s lineup and all of the points it had put up throughout the season were nowhere to be found come the start of the playoffs.

2. IT MEANS MOORE

After Ewing and Aly shockingly took QBs with the first two picks, Richard and Kyle had the next two shots at landing Christian McCaffrey. While the fantasy gods gave Richard the wrath of a last place finish, they had a more devious plan for Kyle. Despite having an overall solid lineup that consisted of Ja’Marr Chase, Garrett Wilson, Calvin Ridley, J.K. Dobbins, Rachaad White, and Anthony Richardson, injuries, inconsistency, and bad luck on a case-by-case basis kept Kyle’s squad from reaching its full potential… at least when it comes to scoring. That’s because Kyle consistently found himself near or at the top of the standings all year, despite competing for the honor of “lowest scoring lineup” with the likes of Richard and myself. It ended up becoming one of the larger storylines throughout the league, with Kyle coming dangerously close to claiming the top seed. But that hope Kyle had been feeling was part of the gods’ plan. Right when he needed that luck, it abandoned him, with Kyle’s lack of scoring finally biting him in the ass in the playoffs.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Hehehe…

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

… I… I mean…

That was one of the best things I’ve ever seen and may have genuinely been the best game in Raiders history. 

63 points. Four days after getting shut out at home by a mediocre team on its 3rd (and 4th) QB, the Raiders jumped out to a 42-0 halftime lead against one of their three biggest rivals before finishing with a 63-21 win. Less than a week after putting up the worst offensive performance in franchise history, the Raiders put up the largest halftime lead in NFL history (and the most for a team coming off a shutout) and the most points they had ever scored in a game in franchise history. The result was also both the most points given up and largest loss in Los Angeles Chargers history. That last sentence makes me extremely happy, but it doesn’t even begin to help make sense out of what Las Vegas did. The Raiders didn’t just pull a complete 180 — they leapt so far around that they spun completely around before landing in reverse, pulling off a 540.

Seriously, how the fuck do you explain any of this? How is anyone supposed to evaluate this team? How are you supposed to react as a fan? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy as fuck about the win — it’s worth potentially fucking up draft position to drop our nuts on the Chargers’ foreheads (and do them a favor by forcing them to fire Brandon Staley). But seriously, what the fuck?

Whichever Raiders squad shows up in Kansas City — the one that got locked down by the fucking Vikings or the one that kicked the Chargers into a parallel universe — will play a big part in making my Christmas merry or shitty.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On December 21, 2003, one of the greatest miracles the NFL has ever seen was confined to the history books by one of the biggest unforced errors a player can make. Going into the 2003 season, both the New Orleans Saints and Jacksonville Jaguars were looking to get back to franchise highs they had reached just a few years earlier. In 2000, new head coach Jim Haslett led a remarkable turnaround in New Orleans, with his squad finishing 10-6 and winning the NFC West. In their first playoff appearance since 1992, the Saints beat the defending champion St. Louis Rams for their first postseason win in franchise history. But in the following two seasons, New Orleans had played at a combined .500 record. Things appeared to be unfolding in a similar way in 2003, with the Saints going into Week 16 with a 7-7 record. They could make the playoffs, but needed wins in both of their final two games to have a shot. The first of their opponents were the Jaguars, who were in the start of a new era. The year before the Saints broke their playoff drought, Jacksonville had finished an NFL-best 14-2 and reached the AFC title game. However, things had gone downhill from there, with the Jaguars finishing with a losing record in each of the next three seasons. That sparked the first major change — Jacksonville’s first ever head coach, Tom Coughlin, was fired and replaced by Carolina Panthers defensive coordinator Jack Del Rio. Then, in Week 3 in 2003, franchise QB Mark Brunell was benched in favor of Byron Leftwich — the former would never play for the Jaguars again. The first year of the Del Rio-Leftwich era didn’t go well, with Jacksonville at 4-10 and seemingly easy pickings for a desperate Saints squad.

True to form, a Leftwich INT led to a FG from John Carney to get the Saints on the board first. But then things began to get wild — after the Jaguars got their own FG from Seth Marler, the Saints took a gamble by going for it on 4th down while within FG range. They were unsuccessful, with Jacksonville countering with a TD from Leftwich to LaBrandon Toefield. After a New Orleans punt, the Jaguars had a chance to pad their lead. However, another Leftwich INT (this one inside the ten-yard line) led to a TD pass from Aaron Brooks to Boo Williams to tie the game at 10-10. The Jaguars would respond with their own TD drive, with Fred Taylor going into the end zone with 25 seconds left in the half to give Jacksonville a 17-10 lead at halftime. Things definitely slowed down in the second half, as the defenses clamped down. The 3rd quarter only saw two FGs — one each by Carney and Marler — to make it 20-13 going into the final frame. Momentum was definitely on Jacksonville’s side, though they seemingly couldn’t capitalize. A fumble by Deuce McAllister led to a Jaguars drive that ended at New Orleans’ three-yard line. However, Marler’s FG was blocked by Fakhir Brown. Later on, the Saints marched all the way to Jacksonville’s nine-yard line with just over two minutes left, only to turn the ball over on downs. Still, despite being given a first down due to an encroachment penalty, the Jaguars couldn’t put the game away. Still, the ensuing punt pinned New Orleans 75 yards away from the end zone with just 11 seconds left. An incomplete pass meant the Saints had only six seconds to pull off a miracle.

Too far away to go for a straight up Hail Mary, New Orleans instead went for the only strategy possible: pass for a chunk of yardage before hoping you can lateral your way into the end zone. That chunk came from Donte Stallworth, who caught Brooks’ pass at midfield before breaking several tackles. Still just over 30 yards away from paydirt, Stallworth pitched the ball to Michael Lewis, who gained ten yards before pitching it back to McCallister, who pitched to Jerome Pathon after a short gain. But amid the chaos, Pathon had gotten himself open and, thanks to a block by Brooks, managed to run the remaining 24 yards into the end zone to cap off the miraculous TD. Officials took a while to look at replays of the River City Relay, as it would become known, but the play was confirmed, with all of the laterals being legal. Haslett decided against going for a two-point conversion for a potential win, opting instead to have Carney kick the extra point to send the game into OT. It made sense — keep the momentum going while trusting in a K that Haslett had claimed he’d “stake his life on” earlier in the season. Plus, given that this was before 2015 (when extra points became 33-yard attempts) and the kick would be from just 20 yards out, it was statistically less likely that an extra point attempt would be missed than for the Saints to score a TD like they had moments earlier. Sportswriter Jon Bois calculated the odds of both happening back-to-back would be just 0.012%. Why am I mentioning all of this? Because of course, Carney missed the extra point, resulting in a 20-19 Jaguars win, reducing the River City Relay’s impact to nothing, and ending New Orleans’ playoff hopes in one of the most unlikely ways you’ll ever see.

The famous call from Saints play-by-play radio announcer Jim Henderson — “NOOOO!!! He missed the extra point wide right! Oh my God, how could he do that?” — pretty much described how the Saints and their fans felt. To be fair, even if Carney had made the extra point and his team had won in OT, New Orleans would’ve missed the playoffs anyway. The Saints would finish 2003 with a 8-8 record, which they would repeat the following year. A 3-13 finish in 2005 saw the Saints move on from both Haslett and Brooks — their replacements (Sean Payton and Drew Brees, respectively) would do pretty well in New Orleans. As for Jacksonville, a 5-11 finish in 2003 would be followed by a 9-7 record in 2004 and 12-4 finish (and a Wild Card berth) in 2005. With the addition of Maurice Jones Drew and later transition from Leftwich to David Garrard, the Jaguars would be one of the more solid teams in the NFL over the decade (until Del Rio’s firing in 2011), though they could never quite take that next step. In the end, only two things from that fateful day really ended up better than before. The first was the play itself: the River City Relay won the ESPY for Best Play and remained the last mutl-lateral TD in an NFL game until the Miracle in Miami in 2018. The other, funny enough, was Carney. He was one of the best Ks in league history before his epic miss, with the Saints staying with him. Carney ended up being part of some of New Orleans’ most iconic moments, including nailing a game-winning FG in the Saints’ first game after Hurricane Katrina (which earned a Sports Illustrated cover). After a couple of seasons with other teams (including the Jaguars), Carney would return to New Orleans in 2009. It was under Carney’s mentorship that new Saints K Garrett Hartley made several clutch FGs en route to New Orleans winning Super Bowl XLIV. Carney would retire after the 2010 season as one of just two players (along with George Blanda) to play in four different decades. In the end, one of the worst mistakes in NFL history was the setup for a great redemption story.

OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:

— 1997: Barry Sanders rushes for 184 yards against the New York Jets to push his season total to 2,053, becoming the third RB in NFL history to surpass the 2,000-yard rushing mark in a year

— 1969: The Washington Redskins fall to the Dallas Cowboys 20-10 in what would be the final game Vince Lombardi would ever coach (he would die just before the following season)

— 1959: New York Giants defensive coordinator Tom Landry is hired as the first ever head coach of the Dallas Cowboys, a position he would hold for the next 29 seasons (an NFL record)

— 1941: The Chicago Bears become the first team to win back-to-back NFL Championship games, using a late surge to pull away from the New York Giants 37-9

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 MOST UNLIKELY SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONSHIP RUNS

As mentioned earlier, we were so close to seeing greatness in the form of every single Top 4 seed losing in the first round. That would’ve guaranteed an all-low seed Epic Bowl and kept the ultimate dream of a 7 vs. 8 seed championship alive. We can still have something like 5 vs. 6 or 7, but it wouldn’t be the same. However, at the very least it would be many times more statistically unlikely in the NFL, no matter how chaotic this season seems to be. When it comes to low seed vs. low seed, such a matchup has basically never happened in the NFL. College football has seen its fair share of unexpected championship matchups (the entire 2007 season says hi). But the pros have been mostly chalk. 

Since the NFL began seeding for the playoffs (during the 1975-76 season, ending with Super Bowl X), a 1-seed has won the title 27 times (which is more than half of the total of 48), while the two-seed has won it nine times. Between them, there has only been one Super Bowl matchup where neither conference was represented by a No. 1 or No. 2 seed — both the Los Angeles Rams and Cincinnati Bengals were 4-seeds for Super Bowl LVI. Generally, although the phrase “any given Sunday” can apply during the regular season, the best of the best usually get it done in the playoffs. However, that doesn’t mean one team can’t make a run out of nowhere, even if the NFL’s Cinderella is more often than not a division winner that just happened to not win enough games to earn a bye.

It just so happens that there have been exactly ten teams who won the Super Bowl as 4-seeds or lower and two teams who did so as 3-seeds. That’s pretty much perfect for a Top 10 list and a handful of honorable mentions. Because we’re doing this statistically, the order will be 4-seeds, then 5-seeds, then 6-seeds. My decision-making will come down to which of the teams in each category had the more unlikely run. However, just know that, personally, I believe the No. 3 team on this list is the actual most unlikely Super Bowl champion. We’ll get to that soon, but first…

HONORABLE MENTION: 1987 WASHINGTON REDSKINS

The 1987 NFL season was impacted by a players strike, but generally the teams who deserved to make it did so. That includes Washington, the NFC’s 3-seed who finished with a worse record than New Orleans, which earned a Wild Card. While Washington did well in topping the Chicago Bears, Washington had a lot of thanks for the Vikings, who eliminated the Saints and the San Francisco 49ers. After Washington escaped another Minnesota upset in the NFC title game, they thrashed the Denver Broncos in Super Bowl XXII to become the first 3-seed NFL champs.

HONORABLE MENTION: 2006 INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

One year after being upset as the AFC’s No. 1 seed to a team further up on this list, the Colts seemingly took a step back in 2006, making the playoffs, but as the No. 3 seed. Indianapolis managed to oust the Kansas City Chiefs and Baltimore Ravens before facing their nemesis, Tom Brady, whose Patriots had just upset the 14-2 San Diego Chargers. In an incredible game, the Colts finally managed to get past the Patriots after several heartbreaking playoff defeats. A messy and rainy Super Bowl XLI ended in an Indianpolis victory over the Chicago Bears.

HONORABLE MENTION: 1968 NEW YORK JETS

Although they came before playoff seeding (and, you know, the AFL-NFL merger), we can’t ignore the fact that the 1968 Jets might be the most unlikely Super Bowl champion ever. Plus, we’re talking about Super Bowl III, which fits with the other 3-seeds. Anyway, you all know about what happened with that game. No one gave New York a chance to win. Joe Namath made his famous guarantee while sitting poolside, and the Jets defeated the Indianapolis Colts in one of the biggest upsets in sports history, which also legitimized the AFL in the eyes of the public. 

10. 1997 DENVER BRONCOS

1997 was a major year for the Broncos for multiple reasons. To start, Denver unveiled its current uniforms and logo, opting for a darker blue and more “dynamic” scheme. The start of a new era also hoped to change the fortunes of the franchise, which had yet to win a Super Bowl despite the efforts of John Elway, who was in the twilight of his career. The year before, the top-seeded Broncos were upset by the wild card Jaguars. Denver would regress this year… by one whole game. But, 12-4 wasn’t good enough to win the AFC West, as the 13-3 Chiefs relegated the Broncos to the Wild Card round. However, this gave Denver the chance for revenge, as they eliminated Jacksonville to move on. After narrowly edging past Kansas City, the Broncos beat the Pittsburgh Steelers to advance to Super Bowl XXXII, where Elway transformed into a helicopter to beat the Green Bay Packers. The Broncos rank as the highest 4-seed here due to essentially being as good as the year before and finishing just one game back of the NFL’s top record.

9. 2021 LOS ANGELES RAMS

Despite reaching the Super Bowl three years earlier, making the playoffs the year before, and having a winning record for the past four years, the Rams felt like they were a QB away from truly contending for a title. So, Los Angeles shipped the good but not great Jared Goff (and three 1st round picks) to Detroit in exchange for the Lions’ own talented QB, Matt Stafford. The move paid off as expected, with only divisional cannibalism preventing the 12-5 Rams from earning a bye. However, the 4-seed NFC West champs rolled over the collapsed Arizona Cardinals in the Wild Card round, earning a road trip to Tampa Bay. After going up 27-3 on the defending champs, the Buccaneers made an incredible comeback to tie the game late. But then Stafford found Cooper Kupp in FG range and the Rams won 30-27. Los Angeles would take advantage of home field advantage, topping the San Francisco 49ers and Cincinnati Bengals in the NFC title game and Super Bowl LVI, both at Sofi Stadium (keeping the Rams ranked low).

8. 2000 BALTIMORE RAVENS

It’s kind of crazy how easily the 2000 Ravens could have been just another great defense let down by a shitty offense. Halfway through the season, Baltimore was 5-4 and had suffered a three-game losing streak in which their offense would’ve made the 2023 Raiders look like the 2007 Patriots. But then something clicked in Week 10 and the Ravens transformed into a juggernaut, winning their last seven games. However, it wasn’t good enough to win the AFC Central over the Titans, relegating Baltimore to the No. 4 seed. No matter — the Ravens first dominated the Denver Broncos, then trounced Tennessee to advance to the AFC title game. Baltimore k̶n̶o̶c̶k̶e̶d̶ o̶u̶t̶ R̶i̶c̶h̶ G̶a̶n̶n̶o̶n̶ w̶i̶t̶h̶ a̶ d̶i̶r̶t̶y̶ h̶i̶t̶, f̶u̶c̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ t̶h̶e̶ R̶a̶i̶d̶e̶r̶s̶ o̶v̶e̶r̶ would top Oakland to reach Super Bowl XXXV, where they would smash the New York Giants to win the franchise’s first post-merger title. It’s interesting that arguably the greatest defense in NFL history has made most people forget that the team — while still one of the best in the league — was a wild card.

7. 1980 OAKLAND RAIDERS

There were no truly elite teams in the NFL in 1980 — for example, every single AFC playoff team finished with a 11-5 record. That includes the Raiders, who had traded franchise QB Ken Stabler to the Oilers for Dan Pastorini. However, Pastorini struggled and the 2-3 Raiders were forced to turn to Jim Plunkett — a former Heisman Trophy-winner who struggled with the Patriots and 49ers. Plunkett unexpectedly led Oakland to a 9-2 finish to the regular season, the No. 4 seed, and a Wild Card win over Stabler and Houston. However, the Raiders season appeared over the following week when the Browns marched into Oakland territory and appeared set to kick a chip shot game-winning FG. But then Cleveland called the chutzpah once too often, with Mike Davis picking off Brian Sipe in the end zone on the famous “Red Right 88” play. After surviving that death sentence, the Raiders beat the San Diego Chargers in the AFC title game before topping the Philadelphia Eagles in Super Bowl XV to become the NFL’s first ever wild card champion.

6. 2012 BALTIMORE RAVENS

After falling one Billy Cundiff shanked FG shy of a Super Bowl appearance the year before, the 2012 Ravens seemed primed to make another playoff run. While Baltimore jumped out to a 9-2 record, things began to fall apart as the regular season ended, as they finished on a 1-4 run. Although they still won the AFC North, the 4-seed Ravens seemed like they might make an early exit. Then franchise icon Ray Lewis revealed that he would retire after the playoffs, with the announcement hoping to fire up his teammates. Although the Ravens easily dispatched the Indianapolis Colts, they seemed doomed to lose to the top-seeded Broncos. But trailing late, Joe Flacco found Jacoby Jones for the game-tying 70-yard TD with under a minute to play. Baltimore would go on to top Denver in double OT before getting revenge on the New England Patriots for the year before. The Ravens completed the dream farewell for Lewis by defeating the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl XLVII, holding on after a stadium-wide blackout. 

5. 2011 NEW YORK GIANTS

Had Cundiff’s kick been successful and sent the Ravens to the Super Bowl, they would have faced the Giants, who surprised many in making their second title game in five years. In 2011, New York took a step back in terms of record and was actually at .500 with two weeks left in the season. Two more wins gave the Giants the NFC East title and the No. 4 seed, but they had the worst record of any team on the NFC side of the playoffs (and in fact had a negative point differential). Much like four years earlier (more on that later), New York didn’t care, stomping on the Atlanta Falcons in the Wild Card round before going into Lambeau Field and upsetting the 15-1 Green Bay Packers. It looked like the Giants’ run would end against the San Francisco 49ers in the NFC title game, but Kyle Williams was in a giving mood and New York took advantage. In Super Bowl XLVI, the Giants trailed the New England Patriots late. But a late Ahmad Bradshaw TD and subsequent defensive stop gave New York its second championship in five seasons.

4. 2020 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Want an example of how few upsets there are in the NFL playoffs? The 2020 Buccaneers are, according to seeding, tied for the third-most unlikely Super Bowl champs in history. Even though Tampa Bay’s roster contained the likes of Rob Gronkowski, Leonard Fournette, LeSean McCoy, Ndamukong Suh, Antonio “I am a massive cunt” Brown, and… you know… Tom fucking Brady, it took a while for everything to mesh and the 11-5 Buccaneers were relegated to the No. 5 seed by the 12-4 Saints. While Tampa Bay did become one of five teams to win three road games en route to a Super Bowl appearance (the remaining three teams on this list are also among them), one of those road wins came against the 7-9 NFC East-winning Washington Football Team. After that, the Buccaneers got revenge on New Orleans before adding to the Green Bay Packers’ postseason pain in the NFC title game. Although they did kick the Kansas City Chiefs’ ass in Super Bowl LV, Tampa Bay did get to play for the championship at their home stadium.

3. 2007 NEW YORK GIANTS

It pains me to put the previous entry right next to this one, even though both went into the playoffs as the No. 5 seed. But the numbers are what they are. For this entry, the most important number is 0 — that’s the number of losses the Patriots had going into Super Bowl LII. The only thing between New England and joining the 1972 Dolphins in Perfectionland was the 10-6 Giants, whose playoff berth was almost as unlikely as the Patriots’ 18-0 record (which included a win over New York in Week 17). To get to the title game, the Giants had to score a road win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, then record an upset over the No. 1 seed Dallas Cowboys (who had beaten them twice that season), then go into a frigid Lambeau Field and end Brett Favre’s career asa Packer with an OT win over Green Bay. But New York’s masterpiece of unexpected success was saved for the final game, as the Giants defense, Eli Manning, and David Tyree put the “1” in New England’s 18-1 final record, winning the title and keeping a lot of old people in Miami happy.

2. 2010 GREEN BAY PACKERS

Although they finished 10-6 and were the No. 6 seed in the NFC, the Packers were a good team in 2010. Green Bay never lost a game by more than four points (their losses came by a total of 20 points) and they never trailed by more than seven points. Even so, their playoff run was definitely surprising. Up first was a resurgent Michael Vick and the Philadelphia Eagles, who the Packers narrowly beat. There was nothing narrow about Green Bay’s matchup with the Atlanta Falcons, who got absolutely curb stomped. That led to a historic battle in the NFC title game — the first playoff meeting with the rival Bears since 1941. In a frigid Chicago, Green Bay held off a late rally to advance to Super Bowl XLV. Against the Pittsburgh Steelers, the Packers went up big early and stopped a late comeback to complete the journey, become the first NFC 6-seed to win the title, and kick off a series of annoying State Farm commercials. When it comes to the first ever 6-seed to win a Super Bowl, we don’t have to look far to find them.

1. 2005 PITTSBURGH STEELERS

In 2004, a rookie Ben Roethlisberger unexpectedly led the Steelers to a 15-1 record, though they fell in the AFC title game. In 2005, Pittsburgh took a step or two back, falling to 7-5 at one point. However, the Steelers won their last four games to make the playoffs as the AFC’s No. 6 seed. Then they got lucky — really lucky. Early in the Wild Card round, Cincinnati QB Carson Palmer tore his ACL on a tackle by Kimo von Oelhoffen, taking the wind out of the Bengals’ sails. Then, Pittsburgh needed both a shoestring tackle by Roethlisberger and a miss by (at the time) the most accurate K in history to upset the top-seed Indianapolis Colts. In the AFC title game, the Steelers avoided Tom Brady and only had to beat Jake Plummer’s Denver Broncos. Finally, in Super Bowl XL, Pittsburgh was the beneficiary of several questionable calls, taking advantage to defeat the Seattle Seahawks. That’s right, the NFL’s most unexpected Super Bowl champs came from the franchise with more Lombardi trophies than anyone but the New England Patriots.

SEMI-FINAL PREVIEW

1. WELL DAMN VS. 5. C’MON CHARBIE LET’S GO PARTY

No matter what, the Epic Bowl will see one person vying for their first championship. Nick has been there before — long ago — while Chriss has yet to get that far. But before either Well Damn or C’Mon Charbie Let’s Go Party can dream of title game success, they have to get there. One of the reasons Chriss held onto the top seed and was the only higher seed to advance was the unexpectedly stellar play of Jake Browning. But with Geno Smith likely back and facing a Titans squad that’s already eliminated, Chriss’ decision at QB could be crucial to how this matchup will play out, especially with his golden goose (Christian McCaffrey) facing arguably the toughest defense he’s seen all season. Meanwhile, Zack Moss is in doubt, meaning the FLEX position could be one of great interest for Nick. In addition to that (and the uneasy Russell Wilson at QB), TE has been a position of weakness lately. Nick has been keeping Hunter Henry on his bench. Should he give Henry a shot, or will Henry’s run of form finally come to an end this weekend?

6. QUEEN’S GAMBIT VS. 7. THREE EYED RAVENS

We’ve had father-son matchups and best friend bowls throughout league history. But we’re breaking new ground here, with the first ever husband-wife playoff showdown. Given that I was the one who officiated Aly and Ewing’s wedding, it’s fitting that I preview the historic semi-final between Three Eyed Ravens and Queen’s Gambit. I mean, it’s not like there was another choice. Anyway, both Ewing and Aly made waves once the draft began by picking Pat Mahomes and Josh Allen first and second overall. Both QBs — playing opponents they should easily dominate — will be crucial to this matchup. Both lineups also have guys who have continued to stuff the score sheet, such as Deebo Samuel and James Cook. In fact, Aly’s reliance on the Bills has come in handy, as Buffalo’s “freight train from hell” push for the playoffs has coincided with her own battle. Ewing, meanwhile, will need the Dolphins defense to do what Buffalo did to the Cowboys. No matter who wins, we can correctly predict one thing: Ewing will be sleeping on the couch.

ONE LAST THING

So in case you missed the dumbest thing a former title contender (outside of Colby Covington) has said this week, Rashard Mendenhall decided to make himself known for something other than fumbling in Super Bowl XLV.

Monday, Mendenhall randomly tweeted out that he’s sick of “average white guys” commenting on football, adding “Y’all not even good at football.” At first, you might think he’s referring to people in the media or YouTube content creators or other kinds of armchair QBs — which, to be fair, that’s not entirely wrong. But then Mendenhall went on to request that the Pro Bowl be replaced with an “All-Black vs. All-White” bowl. So actually, instead of just being another player/former player angry at the media/social media, Mendenhall just genuinely thinks that, despite the diverse positions, sizes, and responsibilities of football players in general, black people are better at football than white people and it’s not close. Those last four words are punctuated by the fact that Mendenhall (who did not play during the Super Bowl he won and fumbled the ball in the most notable play of the Super Bowl he lost) ended his tweet by saying “I’m better than ur goat.”

Let’s get the obvious out of the way: Rashard Mendenhall is a fucking idiot who’s either intentionally race-baiting or is simply choosing to make his idiotic, racist beliefs public. Football would be worse if it were limited to just one race, whether it be black, white, or another. For the most part, the response to Mendenhall’s tweet has been pretty similar to this, with some claiming CTE has impaired Mendenhall’s judgement (both in joking and serious accusations). 

But something else has happened. In a completely non-racially charged way, people have been putting together their own All-Black and All-White squads to see just how they would stack up. 

You can see where this is going.

Just to make this as black and white as possible and eliminate any grey area, bi-racial players will not be included in either roster. If it’s like 75/25 one way or the other, sure. But 50/50 players are out. That includes Pat Mahomes, Dak Prescott, Christian Kirk, and others. Furthermore, no other races will be included, if only because they would get dominated by Team Black and Team White. While I could work a lot and piece together rosters of Team Hispanic (Fred Warner, Isiah Pacheco), Team Asian (Kyler Murray, Josh Jacobs [seriously]), and Team Polynesian (Tua Tagovailoa, Puka Nacua), for the other two I would essentially have my pick of the litter. It wouldn’t be fair. Also, while we’re limiting ourselves to active players, we’re also assuming everyone is healthy. This will be especially important when we’re picking QBs. 

Let’s start with Team Black, who we will call the Naturally Athletic Class Acts. 

With Mahomes ineligible for QB, the position has to go to either Jalen Hurts or Lamar Jackson. If this were last year, I might give Hurts the nod. However, I think Jackson is the superior player, so he’s the starter and Hurts is the backup. If you want to put in a third stringer, I’d go Geno Smith over Russell Wilson. For RB and WR, we’re spoiled for choice. This may be controversial (which is saying something, given this fucking topic), but give me Nick Chubb and Derrick Henry as my main rushing pair, with Saquon Barkley and Jonathan Taylor behind them. When it comes to the pass catchers, it’s a little more clear. Tyreek Hill, Justin Jefferson, and Davante Adams are my starters, with Ja’Marr Chase as another no-brainer. I’m also going to throw Deebo Samuel in there as well, because why would you not want a weapon like that? TE might be the first notable weakness on the roster, with Darren Waller, Kyle Pitts, and David Njoku being the only three realistic options. Just to try and limit the length of this section somewhat, I won’t go through the linemen (a position group dominated by white guys, except for, weirdly, the most important position: left tackle) and defense in as much detail, but I did want to touch on Special Teams. While Pressley Harvin has the team covered for punting, there are no other active black kickers in the NFL. So we kind of just have to substitute someone else. Let’s go with Younghoe Koo. 

NATURALLY ATHLETIC CLASS ACTS STARTING LINEUP

QB: Lamar Jackson

RB: Nick Chubb, Derrick Henry

WR: Tyreek Hill, Justin Jefferson

TE: David Njoku

OL: Trent Williams, Tyler Smith, Lloyd Cushenberry, Michael Onwenu, Morgan Moses

DL: Myles Garrett, Chris Jones, Aaron Donald, Danielle Hunter

LB: Hasson Reddick, Roquan Smith, Micah Parsons

DB: Sauce Gardner, Antoine Windfield, Derwin James, Pat Surtain

ST: Younghoe Koo, Pressley Harvin

HC: Mike Tomlin

What we have is one of the greatest ever mobile QBs (who’s never really had any dangerous weapons to throw to) with an embarrassment of riches at skill positions (except for TE), an All-Pro level of defense at every position, and an obvious lack of kicking that will force the Naturally Athletic Class Acts to go for two and go for it on 4th down every time. All in all, this roster is definitely a force to be reckoned with.

Now for Team White, who we will call the Scrappy Gym Rats. 

When it comes to QB, I was all set to go with Brock Purdy. Right now, the 49ers are the most dominant team in the league, in large part due to Purdy’s steady hand. However, not only do I think Josh Allen has the higher ceiling, but the Buffalo Bills are the one team I think stands a chance at topping San Francisco. So by a small margin, we’ll go with Allen as starter and Purdy as backup. We’ll throw in Joe Burrow and Kirk Cousins (the ultimate NFL white guy) as well. The rest of the team will be structured a bit differently to play to the strengths of the players. We’ll look to the Bay Area once again for the one starting RB — the best in the NFL — Christian McCaffrey, as well as the backup in Kyle Juszczyk. Cooper Kupp is the obvious pick at WR, while Adam Thielen would’ve been a more exciting puck a few years ago. But then comes the team’s first major advantage: TE. We’ll pair Travis Kelce with George Kittle. because why not. Sam LaPorta gets relegated to the backup role. After a who’s who of offensive linemen, the front seven had a pair of Bosas (Nick and Joey) and Bengals (Trey Hendrickson and Sam Hubbard), as well as Maxx Crosby, T.J. Watt, and Matt Milano. However, the defensive backfield is where we find a huge hole. I was able to scrape together a lineup that includes a former Pro Bowler past his prime, a rookie, a guy who just got called up, and a guy who was technically cut earlier this year and is a free agent. See if you can guess which is which.

SCRAPPY GYM RATS STARTING LINEUP

QB: Josh Allen

RB: Christian McCaffrey

WR: Cooper Kupp, Adam Thielen

TE: Travis Kelce, George Kittle

OL: Kolton Miller, Joel Bitonio, Jason Kelce, Zack Martin, Lane Johnson

DL: Maxx Crosby, Sam Hubbard, Nick Bosa

LB: T.J. Watt, Matt Milano, Trey Hendrickson, Joey Bosa

DB: Ethan Bonner, Harrison Smith, Troy Apke, Riley Moss

ST: Justin Tucker, A.J. Cole

HC: Andy Reid

The Scrappy Gym Rats will basically be like a hybrid of the Chiefs and 49ers’ offenses on steroids. While the pass catchers are nothing to sniff at, the two best TEs in the game will help on that angle while adding their powers to an incredible running game, anchored by the best RB in football behind a god-tier offensive line. The front seven is at All-Pro caliber and will need to pick up the slack from the defensive backs. Then, of course, they have the pick of the litter for special teams, so we’ll just go with the best of the best.

So which team do you think has the edge? Both lineups are stacked, though both have notable weaknesses. They will each have distinct playing styles on both sides of the ball. It would be one hell of an intriguing matchup.

But what kind of pussy ass race war only has two participants? I said any multi-racial players would be ineligible for either the Naturally Talented Class Acts or Scrappy Gym Rats. But what if they banded together to make their own squad. While there are a couple of stretches made and some disbelief may need to be suspended, here are the Biracial Angels.

BIRACIAL ANGELS STARTING LINEUP

QB: Pat Mahomes

RB: Austin Ekeler, Tyler Allgeier

WR: Mike Evans, Christian Kirk

TE: Evan Engram

OL: Tristan Wirfs, Teven Jenkins, Erik McCoy, Juice Scruggs, Rashawn Slater 

DL: Jaelan Phillips, Alex Highsmith, Cameron Heyward, Montez Sweat

LB: Ivan Pace, Eric Kendricks

DB: Trent McDuffie, Minkah Fitzpatrick, Jessie Bates, Justin Simmons, Zyon McCollum

ST: Ka’imi Fairbairn, Corey Bojorquez

HC: Mike McDaniel

Yes, Richard — I’m going with Mahomes over Prescott. While the skill position players are good and solid, if not great, they’re a hell of a lot better as a whole than what Mahomes has to work with today. It’s again all solid on defense, which is going with a rare 4-2, five-DB formation. But maybe the genius of Mike McDaniel can make something out of this. 

Speaking of, what are we supposed to make out of all of this? For one, Rashard Mendenhall is an idiot. But is there another, larger lesson to learn? I guess we don’t have to hurry up and jump to any rushed judgements. After all, it’s not a race.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness