I mean… it would’ve been weird for me to not do a newsletter this week, right? After I was so bored I had to do one last week, it would’ve been weird if I skipped this week and just did the season finale next week, right? Honestly I might start doing a newsletter for every week of the playoffs going forward.
But fuck… what am I gonna do for a theme? I’ve got nothing — I genuinely have no idea.
Hmm…..
…..
………
(crickets)
……….
………
……………
….ah, fuck it.
SEMI-FINAL RECAP
1. WELL DAMN DEF. 5. C’MON CHARBIE LET’S GO PARTY
126.34 – 107.96
To beat Well Damn, you have to put up some points. It appeared that C’Mon Charbie Let’s Go Party was definitely going to put up a fight right out of the gate, when Derek Carr (26 points) put Nick into an early lead. If the rest of the lineup could follow suit, Nick could pull off the upset. But while Jahmyr Gibbs (20 points) stepped up and Chigoziem Okonkwo (12 points) actually did something, the rest of the lineup largely failed to follow suit. Stefon Diggs performed one of his disappearing acts, Jaylen Waddle didn’t do a lot, Rashee Rice was hampered by a terrible Chiefs performance (oh there will be much more on that later), and the Packers defense did its best traffic cone impression. While it wasn’t a terrible effort overall by any means, Nick had to hope Chriss’ lineup fell flat. But Mike Evans (20 points), CeeDee Lamb (19 points), and Nick Mullens (20 points) didn’t let that happen. A late effort from Saquon Barkley (16 points) gave Nick a chance, but Christian McCaffrey (20 points) put an end to any hopes of an upset.
6. QUEEN’S GAMBIT DEF. 7. THREE EYED RAVENS
98.78 – 85.50
Much like any good marital dispute, the semi-final showdown between Queen’s Gambit and Three Eyed Ravens was messy, dramatic, sloppy, and often tough to look at. Both Ewing and Aly’s lineups had goose eggs (Dalton Kincaid and Courtland Sutton), with Sutton’s performance being due to a concussion. Isiah Pacheco also had to leave due to a concussion, which was Aly’s second injury after Jordan Addison. It also seemed like Aly was going to be cast in the role of early favorite who blows their lead late. Josh Allen (25 points) and Tee Higgins (20 points) put Aly ahead, but David Montgomery (12 points) and James Conner (17 points) helped Ewing close the gap. With Pat Mahomes, Deebo Samuel, and Ewing’s flock of Ravens seemingly set to put the defending champ back in the title game. Instead, all of them put up disappointing efforts, with Aly twisting the knife further by having her own Ravens, Justin Tucker (16 points) and Patrick Queen, stretch her lead even further. Like most battles between spouses, the wife came out on top.
STANDINGS
DRINK PUNISHMENT TRACKER:
- Jimmy (119.44) –> Aly (55.84) & Ewing (86.14)* [Shot of Fireball]
- Chriss (146.66) –> Ruben (51.25) [Voodoo Ranger Imperial IPA]
- Richard (143.68) & Emilio (143.28)** –> Kyle (74.96) [Modelo Especial] and Ruben (74.36) [805]**
- Richard (124.74) –> Ruben (83.64) & Jimmy (83.18) [Modelo Especial]***
- Jimmy (180.82) –> Richard (66.34) [Device Brewing Curious Haze]
- Riaz (138.67) –> Richard (73.32) [Voodoo Ranger Fruit Force IPA]
- Ewing (135.16) –> Kyle (57.76) [Coors Light]****
- Chriss (138.16)***** –> Ruben (77.52) [Lagunitas Tiki Fuson Zombie Cocktail-Inspired IPA]******
- Kyle (133.50) –> Ewing (76.70) [Dominga Mimosa Sour]
- Chriss (139.36) –> Ruben (65.16) [Stone IPA]*******
- Aly (121.90) –> Arik (75.94) [Choc Tease BuzzBall]
- Chriss (140.46) –> Richard (67.58) [Sierra Nevada Hazy Little Thing IPA]
- Ewing (150.60) –> Richard (50.90) [Tequila Rita BuzzBall]********
- Ewing (114.04) –> Richard (77.58) [Device Brewing Brits in Moscow]*********
- Aly (135.76) –> Emilio (62.16) [Shot of tequila with stale water]**********
- Riaz (146.70) –> Kyle (84.84) [Old Rasputin Imperial Stout] and Ewing (85.50) [Godfather cocktail] ***********
* Ewing voluntarily took a shot in shame after losing to Ruben
** Each pair — Richard and Emilio as well as Kyle and Ruben) — was separated by less than a point, so two drink choosers and drinkers were selected. Richard and Emilio each made a selection, while Kyle got to pick which drink to consume
*** Ruben and Jimmy finished within a point of each other, so both had to drink
**** Kyle got to choose the beer, but Ewing requested he shotgun it
***** Dad had a higher score, but he’s not taking part in this side-bet, so the choosing power defaulted to Chriss
****** Ruben drank two of the beers, Stone Cold style, in celebration of Josh McDaniels’ firing
******* Ruben drank two of the beers, because… well… oh shit do I have a problem?
******** Richard drank two of them for the lols and there was no controversy whatsoever
********* Ewing let Richard choose his drink out of mercy/pity
********** Aly let Emilio choose which alcohol to drink, only insisting he chase with his daughter’s sippy cup
*********** To maximize Ewing’s suffering, Aly was selected to choose Ewing’s drink
BEST & WORST
UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE
BEST: Although he had a great game last week, no one was expecting a repeat performance from Tee Higgins, especially against a tough Steelers defense. Indeed, Pittsburgh nullified the Bengals offense, with only one person on Cincinnati’s sideline doing well. That person was in fact Higgins, whose 20 points proved to be pretty important in helping Aly advance to the Epic Bowl.
WORST: There are quite a few names who could qualify for this section: Stefon Diggs, Deebo Samuel, and the Packers defense to name a few. But we’re instead going to give this to a guy who still put up 17 points. The thing is, Pat Mahomes usually puts up double that amount when playing the Raiders. However, that didn’t exactly happen this time, much to Ewing’s chagrin.
TRANSACTION
BEST: While trying to decide which QB to go with, Chriss briefly added Derek Carr, only to let him go. Chriss’ loss was Nick’s gain, as he swooped in and put Carr in his own lineup. Carr only put up his highest-scoring game of the season, with his 26 points putting Nick into an early lead. While Nick didn’t end up winning, the decision to pick up Carr still proved to be a smart one.
WORST: While Chriss’ eventual choice of QB (Nick Mullens) still put up good numbers, the overall transaction was still dismal. Not only was Carr the higher scorer, but the player Chriss cut to pick up Carr (before dropping him for Mullens) in the first place was Jason Sanders, who made three 50+ yard FGs and put up 22 points. Chriss’ actual K, Tyler Bass, only scored six points.
LINEUP DECISION
BEST: Unlike what some of you may think, I am a man of integrity, one who admits when he is wrong. So this section goes to both Nick and Chriss, whose lineup choices I previously called into question. I questioned Nick’s devotion to Chigoziem Okonkwo, as well as Chriss’ decision to start Nick Mullens over Jake Browning and Geno Smith. Both proved me wrong, so there. Fuck you.
WORST: Gabe Davis has entered the pantheon of most frustrating fantasy football players, along with the likes of Josh Gordon and every Patriots RB in the Tom Brady era. This year, Davis has nearly as many games where he scored zero points (five) than games where he hit double-digits (seven). This past weekend, Davis dropped a season-high 19 points… while on Ewing’s bench.
LUCK
BEST: Chriss’ success this season has a lot to do with smart drafting and shrewd transactions. But like anyone else doing well in fantasy football, Chriss has gotten some good luck. For his lineup to not only keep scoring well over 100 points each week and defeat challengers who haven’t exactly been gun-shy, that’s some good luck. Can Chriss keep it up for one more week?
WORST: Between the Gabe Davis thing, Courtland Sutton’s injury, Pat Mahomes’ unexpectedly shitty performance against the Raiders, and the way that the Ravens-49ers game played out, Ewing’s fantasy football luck was quite poor this past weekend. Oh, and while Ewing was at that game, it was thanks to the person who beat him in the semi-finals, who happens to be his wife.
IN MEMORIAM
7. THREE EYED RAVENS
All eyes were on the Three Eyed Ravens this season, and not just because Ewing was the defending champ. Ewing also shocked the league by turning his luck of getting the top overall pick into drafting Pat Mahomes with that selection. Despite that stunner, Ewing still assembled a solid team on paper, with the likes of Deebo Samuel, Najee Harris, James Conner, Gabe Davis, and Mark Andrews. But a series of injuries and inconsistent play sunk Ewing near the bottom of the standings (hell, he opened with a loss to the eventual lowest-scoring team in the league). A 3-4 start quickly dropped to 3-8, as a four-game losing streak threatened to keep him from the playoffs altogether. But then Ewing went with the nuclear option, getting Aly pregnant in order to gain future parent powers. The gamble worked, with Ewing winning the final three games of the regular season to make the playoffs before pulling off an upset in the quarter-finals. Unfortunately for Ewing, he ran into his wife, who used her own powers to end her husband’s title reign.
5. C’MON CHARBIE LET’S GO PARTY
On paper, if you look at how C’Mon Charbie Let’s Go Party drafted — Daniel Jones, Stefon Diggs, Saquon Barkley, Jaylen Waddle, Mike Williams, Kenneth Walker, Javonte Williams, Jerry Jeudy, Evan Engram — a mid-table finish and a run to the semi-finals isn’t exactly surprising. But Nick’s season was much more eventful than what it looks like on paper. Like last season, Nick straight up exploded out of the gate. While he didn’t quite have another 200-point game, he still stayed on top of the standings for the majority of the season, with an 8-1 record to show for it. But then the patented season-ending losing streak began, with Nick dropping the final five games of the regular season to completely fall out of the top half of the bracket. Incredibly, that season-ending streak didn’t actually end Nick’s season, with him returning to form and putting up 100+ points in each of the first two rounds of the playoffs. Unfortunately for Nick, he ran into the new top team in the league, with his semi-final performance just not being good enough to reach the title game.
STAT OF THE WEEK
The longer a team goes without success, the more landmark events or inventions we can add to the list as having happened or been made since they accomplished a certain goal. For many, the go-to insult is “no one has been able to post on [insert social media platform] that Team X did this.” Well, before this past weekend, you’d have to go back before the invention of the internet to find the last time the Detroit Lions won their division. In fact, the Lions’ last division title had come in 1993 in the NFC Central, with the list of teams that had won the NFC North during that time includes the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who now play in the NFC South. But all of that changed this year, as Dan Campbell, Jared Goff, and a young, hungry for kneecaps Detroit squad shook up the division and finally claimed the NFC North title.
If you’re not rooting for the Lions to do well in the postseason, you have no soul. Remember earlier this year when the Sacramento Kings won the Pacific Division for the first time in 20 years and made the playoffs for the first time in 17 years? Lions fans are one of the few groups of fans who can relate with Kings fans in terms of having to endure years of misery and losing. The first Lions home playoff game in 30 years may even rival how loud the Golden 1 Center was during Game 1. The fact that it could come against either Matt Stafford and the Los Angeles Rams or the hated Green Bay Packers would make it even more amazing. Either way, it’ll be must-see TV.
One of these things is not like the other…
So Damar Hamlin is a shoe-in to win Comeback Player of the Year, given that he came back from almost dying last year. Much like Alex Smith three years earlier, it’s a deserving award, no matter how little Hamlin actually played or how effective he was. But goddamn if Joe Flacco isn’t making a case for being a co-winner at least. The fact that a 38-year-old Flacco was signed off the couch mid-season and has arguably been the best Browns QB since the team returned to the NFL in 1999 is fucking incredible. The fact that Cleveland isn’t just scraping their way to a No. 7 seed, but is still in contention for the No. 1 overall seed with two weeks to play is also amazing. If you had Flacco making the Browns likable again after the Deshaun Watson signing on your 2023 bingo card, you’re a liar. Perhaps the most incredible fact out of all of this: a Browns-Lions Super Bowl is not just possible, but not incredibly unlikely. Bizarre…
I’ll talk more about this next week, but this is definitely shocking. The Raiders famously pulled a similar move with Derek Carr last year, resulting in Jarrett Stidham starting, no less. For now, I’ll just say when you make a move comparable to something Josh McDaniels did, that’s not good.
Goddamn the Carolina Panthers are fucking terrible. I can’t imagine a worse offensive effort…
WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT
Joy to the world, the time has come
The Raiders beat the Chiefs
Let every fan talk massive shit
And the defense scores agan
And the defense scores again
The defense, the defense, scores again
Joy to the Earth, the Raiders won
Without any passing game
White was the one guy who did anything
And yet the Raiders won
And yet the Raiders won
Yet, yet the Raiders won
The defense rules with picks and sacks
And makes Mahomes run off in fright
It was a stunning sight to see
The Chiefs got stopped (and then were in commercials)
The Chiefs got stopped (and then were in commercials)
And the Chiefs, the Chiefs got stopped
Joy to the world, the Raiders won
On Christmas at Arrowhead
Jacobs didn’t play and the Raiders still won
Jones did become a grinch (to that one Chiefs fan)
Jones did become a grinch (to that one Chiefs fan)
And Jones, and Jones, ruined Christmas
For all, and all, and of Kansas and Missouri
Joy to the world, the Chiefs got smacked
Mahomes bitched like a child
Let every Swiftie cry into the night
The Raiders beat the Chiefs (the Raiders beat the Chiefs)
The Raiders beat the Chiefs (the Raiders beat the Chiefs)The Raiders, the Raiders beat the Chiefs
The Raiders, the Raiders beat the Chiefs
A Merry Christmas to us all; fuck the Chiefs!
#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On December 28, 1958, the NFL’s surge to the most popular sport in the country began, thanks to the greatest game ever played (literally). It may be tough to imagine, but the NFL didn’t used to be the pop culture behemoth that it is now. After being notably behind baseball and college football in the ranks of public popularity, pro football finally began to gain steam in the 1950’s. That effort got a big push in 1955, when NBC began airing the NFL Championship Game. The first three years had seen the title games turn into ass-whoopings, with the closest game being a 38-14 win for the Cleveland Browns over the Los Angeles Rams. However, the 1958 title game promised a much closer contest. Despite each having a 9-3 record, both the New York Giants and Baltimore Colts were star-studded, combining to feature 16 future HOFers such as Johnny Unitas, Frank Gifford, Lenny Moore, Sam Huff, Raymond Berry, and Don Maynard — not to mention Giants assistant coaches Vince Lombardi and Tom Landry. The Colts had jumped out in front when the season started, winning their first six games and nine of their first ten, before dropping the final two with the Western Conference already clinched. New York, meanwhile, started 2-2, but won seven of its final nine games, including a 24-21 victory over Baltimore in Week 7 (notably, Unitas did not play). That game was played at arguably the most famous venue in the country — Yankee Stadium — where the rematch would also be held. As the two teams took the field, a nationwide audience tuned in to watch the title contest — what they saw would change the landscape of professional sports in the United States.
However, a lot of what fans saw in the first half would also qualify as sloppy football. Both teams combined for six turnovers (three each) in the first two quarters — there would be eight across the full game. The first two happened on the first two drives, with Huff forcing the ball from Unitas on a sack. Gino Marchetti got the ball back for the Colts by taking it away from Don Heinrich, only for Unitas to be picked off by Lindon Crow. After the Giants were forced to punt, Baltimore drove down to New York’s 19-yard line, only for Huff to block the FG attempt. On the ensuing drive, Heinrich was replaced by Charlie Conerly, who (along with Gifford) moved the ball down to Baltimore’s 30-yard line, where Pat Summerall (yes, that Pat Summerall) made a FG to put the first points on the board. Though the Colts’ next drive produced nothing, Milt Davis (playing with two broken bones in his right foot) got the ball back by poking it away from Gifford, with the ensuing recovery by Ray Krouse setting up a short TD run by Alan Ameche. The Giants again stalled out on their next drive, but got a break when the Colts fumbled the punt. However, Davis forced another fumble from Gifford, with Don Joyce recovering for Baltimore. The Colts then had their best drive of the game, with Unitas finding Berry in the end zone for a 14-3 halftime lead.
Baltimore came one yard away from adding to that lead to start the second half, only for New York to produce a goal line stand on 4th down. The Giants then drove down the field in four plays — one of them was an 86-yard gain that saw Conerly hit Kyle Rote for a big gain, only for Rote to fumble, with Alex Webster recovering the ball and taking it to the Colts’ one-yard line. Mel Triplett punched it in from there, cutting the lead to 14-10. Baltimore’s offense stalled, allowing New York to take a 17-14 lead early in the 4th quarter with a pass from Conerly to Gifford. The Colts finally got back in gear, but couldn’t get any points, missing a FG before failing to capitalize on a fumble recovery. While the Giants also couldn’t move the ball, they had a chance to seal the game with a 4th and inches with just over two minutes remaining. However, New York decided to punt, allowing Unitas to lead the Colts down the field with a two-minute drive (before those were a thing). That drive ended with a FG by Steve Myhra with seven seconds left, sending the NFL title game to OT for the first time in its history. After Maynard muffed the opening kickoff, the Giants went three-and-out to begin the extra frame. On their first possession of OT, the Colts went 80 yards in 13 plays, concluding with a one-yard TD run by Ameche to win the game 23-17.
The play — captured above — has become one of the most celebrated in NFL history, capping off what many football historians have dubbed “the greatest game ever played.” The game has gotten this title despite the incredibly sloppy play and overall mediocre offensive performance, save for the last two drives by the Colts. However, when it comes to big games like this, what really matters often comes down to the finish. The game was a close contest featuring several major players, had a dramatic finish, and was the first of its kind — it would remain the only NFL title game to go into OT until Super Bowl LI. All told, some 45 million people tuned into NBC’s broadcast of the game, showing just how popular the NFL had become. In fact, that popularity would lead to the creation of the NFL’s biggest rival — the American Football League (AFL). Interestingly, all of those viewers nearly missed the ending — with Baltimore on New York’s eight-yard line in OT, NBC’s feed cut out. However, a random person ran out onto the field, causing the game to be delayed. That delay gave NBC enough time to fix the problem and get the game back on air. This sparked a rumor that the person was an NBC employee. However, that was not the case. As for the teams involved, the two would have a rematch in the 1959 NFL title game, with the Colts winning again, this time 31-16. Baltimore head coach Weeb Ewbank would be fired in 1962, landing with the AFL’s New York Jets, who he would lead to a memorable upset win over the Colts in Super Bowl III. Unitas would stay in Baltimore until 1972, having led the Colts to victory in Super Bowl V. That win would come over the Dallas Cowboys, led by Landry, who left the Giants in 1960. His departure was preceded by that of Lombardi one year before. New York would actually score more points after Lombardi left than when he had been in charge of the offense, leading some to speculate they were better without him. They may have been incorrect.
OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:
— 2008: The Detroit Lions fall to the Green Bay Packers 31-21 to end the season with a 0-16 record, becoming the NFL’s first winless team since the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
— 1975: The Dallas Cowboys defeat the Minnesota Vikings 17-14 in the Divisional round thanks to a late TD pass from Roger Staubach to Drew Pearson — the first so-called “Hail Mary”
— 1952: The Detroit Lions defeat the Cleveland Browns 17-7 in the NFL Championship Game — the first of three straight matchups between the two squads — to win their first title in 17 years
— 1947: The Chicago Cardinals defeat the Philadelphia Eagles 28-21 to win their first NFL Championship Game — it remains the franchise’s last title and was the last playoff win until 1999
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 10 BEST BACKUP QBS IN NFL HISTORY
This season, perhaps more than any other in NFL history, has been the year of the backup QB. Of the 32 teams in the NFL, 11 have seen their Week 1 starting QBs miss at least four games this season, with at least three more (the Atlanta Falcons, Los Angeles Chargers, and Pittsburgh Steelers) and maybe another (the Houston Texans) set to be added to that list. That’s nearly half the NFL having to use at least one backup QB for nearly a quarter of the regular season. This, combined with the record number of rookie signal callers being used this season, has put a lot of people who aren’t used to the spotlight at center stage. The total number of different starting QBs so far this season is 61, which incredibly isn’t the all-time record — that was actually set last year, with 66. But while this season could still set the record due to roster strategy in Week 18, what makes 2023 different than 2022 is that a lot of teams having to use at least one backup QB are still in playoff contention, if not likely set to play in the postseason. That means there have been seemingly more games with high stakes that were (and will be) contested with at least one QB used to riding the pine. While some of these QBs — Jake Browning, Tommy DeVito, Will Levis — are spending their first time in the starter’s role, others like Gardner Minshew, Taylor Heinicke, and Joe Flacco have spent at least one season as majority starter before (Flacco, of course, has even won a Super Bowl). All told, it’s never been more important to have a quality backup QB.
This got me thinking — if we’re so focused on having the best backup QB, who are the best of the backups? This isn’t a question to determine who’s the best QB to have ever served as a backup — several HOFers have started their careers as backups. No, we’re talking about the best QBs who have spent the majority of their careers as a backup, third-string, or even practice squad member. Those QBs could even have been a starter for a year or two (or a starter for a majority of their time in other leagues), if their overall time in the NFL was largely spent on the bench. To put an actual number on our qualifications, let’s say these QBs could not have started more than 35% of the games in which they were rostered (about a third of their total time in the league). When it comes to what we’re looking for when we say “best,” we’re talking about what we usually look for in the best QBs in general — statistics, wins, longevity, postseason success, and any contributions to division, conference/league, or Super Bowl titles.
HONORABLE MENTION: ZEKE BRATKOWSKI
Despite finishing with 65 TDs to 122 INTs (holy shit) in his career, Zeke Bratkowski gets a spot here because of his tenure in Green Bay, where he served as Bart Starr’s backup during the Vince Lombardi era. Bratkowski, who missed two seasons serving in the Air Force, came into relief of Starr on several occasions, most notable during a 1965 playoff game against the Baltimore Colts. The Packers won and would go on to win the first of three straight NFL titles that season. More than 15 years after he retired, “Uncle Zekie” was elected to the Packers HOF.
HONORABLE MENTION: VIRGIL CARTER
More than 50 years before Jake Browning stepped in for an injured Joe Burrow in Cincinnati, Virgil Carter became the first Folsom HS alum to relieve the Bengals’ hurt top QB. In 1980, the Bengals traded for Carter after Greg Cook went down with a shoulder injury that would end his career. Incredibly, Carter led Cincinnati to an AFC Central title and its first ever playoff berth. The following season, Carter led the NFL in completion percentage. However, the Bengals stumbled and would later turn to future franchise icon Ken Anderson. Carter retired after the 1976 season.
HONORABLE MENTION: TODD COLLINS
The Buffalo Bills drafted Todd Collins as the heir apparent to Jim Kelly. However, with Collins as the starter in 1997, the Bills missed the playoffs for just the second time in ten years. Despite then being demoted to a backup for the rest of his career, Collins stuck around for another decade-plus. During this time, Collins stepped in for an injured Jason Campbell to lead the Washington Redskins to the 2007 playoffs and appeared in the 2010 NFC title game. Collins also holds the NFL record for longest gap between starts post-merger (ten years, two days).
HONORABLE MENTION: JAMES HARRIS
James Harris is one of the most interesting athletes you’ve never heard of. Nicknamed “Shack” (short for “Meshach”), Harris was the inspiration for the song “Ramblin’ Man From Gramblin.” He was also the first black player to start a season at QB in pro football history. He would later earn that same distinction for the NFL with the Rams. Filling in for the struggling John Hadl, Harris would help lead Los Angeles to the 1974 NFC title game, becoming the first black QB to start and win an NFL playoff game. That would be his career high, as Harris settled into a backup role.
HONORABLE MENTION: MATT MOORE
After a period as a solid but unspectacular starter for the Panthers, Matt Moore was replaced by Cam Newton in Carolina and shipped off to Miami. After another year of decent play, Moore didn’t start for four years before coming in for an injured Ryan Tannehill in 2016. Moore did enough to keep the Dolphins on track for their first playoff appearance since 2008. Moore retired two years later, but returned to be the backup in Kansas City. Filling in for an injured Pat Mahomes, Moore led the Chiefs to a win over the Minnesota Vikings that would be key to their Super Bowl run.
HONORABLE MENTION: NICK MULLENS
Do I think Nick Mullens is among the Top 15 backup QBs ever? No. But I have to mention him for one reason: he’s the Raiders killer. In his first NFL debut, Mullens went 16/22 for 362 yards and three TDs in a 34-3 win over the Silver and Black. The Raiders got revenge in 2021, though it took a last-second FG for a playoff-bound Las Vegas to top Mullens and a COVID-stricken Cleveland. Then there was the hell from a few weeks ago, when the Vikings subbed in Mullens, who led a drive for the only score of the game. I fear Mullens more than I do Pat Mahomes.
10. CHASE DANIEL
Unlike the rest of the QBs on this list, Chase Daniel does not make the cut because of his stats, which are paltry compared to everyone else. Across his 14-year NFL career, Daniel made just five starts and finished with just 186 completions on 273 attempts for 1,746 yards, nine TDs, and seven INTs. So how the hell did Daniel finish in the Top 10… and furthermore how did he spend nearly a decade and a half in the NFL? The answer to both is that he became the perfect backup QB: know the offense like the back of your hand while being a good teammate and not being as good as the starter (but better than the third string). Daniel was decent enough, having a solid completion percentage and even winning a game as a starter for 2018 Chicago Bears. But take another look at those stats and soak in one more — Daniels earned nearly $40M in his career and won a Super Bowl with the New Orleans Saints. Daniels is Alex Moran’s idol, setting the ultimate example of getting the most out of a career that in all likelihood should’ve lasted three years tops.
9. DON STROCK
Managing to spend 17 years in the NFL is an incredible accomplishment, especially for a career backup. Don Strock earns a spot on this list for this alone, spending 15 of those years with the Miami Dolphins. During that stretch, which began the year after Miami’s perfect season, Strock started 22 games and led eight game-winning drives while winning one Super Bowl. Strock also earned a spot on the Dolphins’ Walk of Fame, nearly 20 years after serving as the head coach for the Arena Football League’s Miami Hooters. Seriously, that was the actual name of a team. It has nothing to do with Strock’s career, but I had to include that. Anyway, Strock arguably has the greatest single-game performance out of anyone on this list. With the Dolphins down 24-0 to the San Diego Chargers in the 1981 Divisional Round, Strock replaced David Woodley and threw for 403 yards, three TDs, and an INT. Though Miami lost 41-38 in OT, Strock went toe-to-toe with Dan Fouts in the Epic in Miami, one of the best playoff games in NFL history.
8. GARY DANIELSON
While he’s much more well known for his incredibly annoying color commentary for SEC games on CBS, Gary Danielson had a surprisingly productive career as an NFL QB. That career lasted for 13 years (following two years with the World Football League). Following the WFL ceasing to exist, Danielson joined the Detroit Lions, spending the next nine seasons becoming one of the best QBs in franchise history. Danielson spent the majority of 1978 as Detroit’s starter, throwing for five TDs in a win over the Minnesota Vikings, a single-game franchise record that only Matt Stafford and Jared Goff have matches. Danielson (along with Eric Hipple) also helped the Lions win the NFC Central title in 1983. Until this year, Danielson ranked in the Top 5 for most passing yards and TDs in Lions history (he was passed by Goff in the latter and will be passed by Goff in the former). Although Danielson spent the final four years of his career with the Cleveland Browns, his stretch as a genuine franchise great in Detroit solidly earns him a spot on this list.
7. BUBBY BRISTER
Many careers have peaks and valleys; Bubby Brister’s career arc looks like what happens when centripetal force is applied to water. Early in his career, Brister enjoyed a three-year stretch as the starting QB for the Steelers. Brister was instantly compared to Terry Bradshaw, due to the fact that both were from Louisiana and had thick accents. Brister was solid in Pittsburgh, leading the offense in Chuck Noll’s final postseason run, which saw the Steelers narrowly fall to the eventual AFC champion Denver Broncos. But once Neil O’Donnell came to Pittsburgh, Brister’s time was up. After bouncing around for a few years, Brister landed in Denver of all places, winning two Super Bowls. During the second of those two title-winning years, John Elway had to miss several games. Brister stepped up, going 4-0 in his starts while recording a higher passer rating than Elway and even breaking the Broncos’ then-record for longest rushing TD by a QB. Brister retired before the 2001 season, throwing for nearly 15,000 yards across a nearly 15-year career.
6. BRIAN HOYER
Despite being undrafted in 2009, Brian Hoyer has carved out a 15-year NFL career that’s still alive in Las Vegas. The majority of his tenure has been in New England, where he became arguably the most well-known and successful backup for Tom Brady (perhaps outside of Jimmy Garoppolo). Whenever he got to see the field, Hoyer either did a pretty good job or was utter shit, with little in between. In 2014, Hoyer led the Cleveland Browns to a 6-3 start before a run of three losses in four games caused him to be pulled for the promising QB known as Johnny Manziel. The following season, Hoyer signed with Houston, where he lost the starting job, won it back, led the Texans to the AFC South title, and got killed for the playoffs. Still, his longevity and overall body of work landed him on the list. This year with the Raiders (brought over by the McDaniels regime to help establish the Patriots West), Hoyer took the field for a start with his eighth different team, the second-most in NFL history. True to form, that start did not go well.
5. CHARLIE BATCH
Entering the league in 1999, Charlie Batch got off to a good start to his career, handing the ball to Barry Sanders enough to lead the Lions to the playoffs. But Sanders retired after that season and two years later, Batch would not only find himself out of a starting gig, but out of Detroit as a whole. Fortunately for Batch, he landed in Pittsburgh, where he would spend the final decade-plus of his career. Although he wasn’t even the main backup for a lot of his time with the Steelers, Batch stuck around due to his solid skill, likability, and veteran presence. The latter proved to be essential for Ben Roethlisberger, who was drafted two years after Batch signed with Pittsburgh. There were a few times where Batch had to start in relief of Roethlisberger (and some other backups), notably a 38-13 win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in 2010 and a 23-20 win over the division-leading Ravens in Baltimore in 2012. In total, Batch spent 11 seasons with the Steelers, a length only surpassed by Roethlisberger and Terry Bradshaw in franchise history.
4. FRANK REICH
Known to most NFL fans as the guy who got too much credit for the Philadelphia Eagles’ Super Bowl LII victory and burned out of head coaching jobs with two teams in less than a year, Frank Reich is in the NFL record book, despite being a backup. That wasn’t the original idea, as the Bills drafted Reich two years after Jim Kelly spurned Buffalo in favor of the USFL. But once that league folded in 1986, Kelly was a Bill and Reich was his backup. Still, Reich flourished in that role for a decade, before having stints with the Panthers, New York Jets, and Detroit Lions. But before he retired, he left us with some incredible moments. In 1989, Reich stepped in for an injured Kelly to win two games, which were crucial to help Buffalo make the playoffs. Then there was the 1992 Wild Card game, which saw the Bills go down 35-3. Reich led Buffalo to a then-record comeback win, 41-38 in OT. Another win the following week (Kelly was still hurt) meant Reich is the only QB in NFL history to be unbeaten as a starter in multiple playoff games.
3. DOUG FLUTIE
Despite being a backup for a large part of his career, Doug Flutie is by far the most decorated QB on this list. The 1984 Heisman Trophy winner is arguably the greatest player in CFL history, with three Grey Cup titles and MVPs, as well as six Most Outstanding Player awards. He was also the 1998 NFL Comeback Player of the Year. Flutie was put in that role because when he entered the NFL more than a decade earlier, the consensus was that he was too small (5’10”, 180 lbs.) to be effective in the league. That’s why he had a much shorter leash than other QBs and his time with the Chicago Bears and New England Patriots was compounded with mismanagement. But after becoming Canada’s Joe Montana, Flutie got a shot with the Buffalo Bills, putting up good stats in place of the aforementioned Tom Collins. But despite his success, Flutie was often benched in favor of Rob Johnson, most notably in the 1999 Wild Card game (AKA the Music City Miracle). Flutie also spent time with the San Diego Chargers, mentoring fellow short QB Drew Brees.
2. JOSH MCCOWN
When it comes to being a “journeyman QB,” three names come to mind. Ryan Fitzpatrick started for an NFL record nine teams but started too much to qualify for this list. Josh Johnson has been a member of an NFL record 14 different teams but is not good enough to make this list. Then there’s Josh McCown, who’s pretty much right in the middle. McCown was only ever good enough to start due to injury or being on shitty teams (like the 2007 Oakland Raiders), but he managed to stay in the league for nearly 20 years while collecting checks from 12 different teams. Still, McCown certainly had his moments. In 2013, McCown scored five TDs for the Chicago Bears in a 45-28 win over the Minnesota Vikings, finishing the season with the lowest INT ratio in the NFL and the best passer rating in franchise history. McCown also ended his playing career on a high in 2020, making his first playoff start at age 40 and keeping an awful Philadelphia Eagles team in the game despite tearing his fucking hamstring off the bone.
1. EARL MORRALL
If you look at Earl Morrall’s resume — three Super Bowl titles in four years (plus an NFL title), NFL MVP and CPOY honors, and two 1st-team All-Pro and Pro Bowl nods — and you might think he’s a borderline HOFer and far from being eligible for this list. However, Morrall only started about 35% of his teams’ games during his 21-year run, technically making him a career backup. So how was a QB that talented sitting on the bench that often? He was on the same teams as multiple HOFers. Morrall didn’t see much playing time in the first decade of his career, which was spent with strong teams (he was also the other QB involved in the infamous Bobby Layne trade that I mentioned in my Top 10 Sports Curses list). He eventually found himself in Baltimore, stepping in for an injured Johnny Unitas in 1968 to lead the Colts to a 13-1 record and Super Bowl III (being named NFL MVP). Four years later in Miami, Morrall stepped in for an injured Bob Griese, winning all 11 games he started in what would finish as the only perfect season in NFL history.
EPIC BOWL XIII PREVIEW
1. WELL DAMN VS. 6. QUEEN’S GAMBIT
This weekend, history will be made in the Epic League. For the first time in five years, the Epic Bowl will be contested by two first-time participants, guaranteeing the league’s first brand new champion since I won my first title in 2019. But that’s not the only reason we’re guaranteed to see history no matter who wins. Well Damn is trying to do something that, on paper, doesn’t seem that difficult: win the championship as the top team and highest scorer in the regular season. In the typical nature of fantasy football, this doesn’t always happen, especially in our league (just look at last season, I say while barely containing my rage). Chriss has so far survived two strong upset bids, but has arguably his biggest challenge left in Queen’s Gambit. Aly has the chance to do something our league has never seen since its first season: win the title in her first season. She would also be the first female league champion, mirroring the feat accomplished by her mother-in-law (also as a rookie) more than 15 years ago in the precursor to the Epic League.
Chriss has had the top scoring team all year thanks to a balanced attack led by one hell of an engine. Christian McCaffrey has consistently provided piles of points for Chriss — with the 49ers looking to bounce back against a terrible Commanders defense, McCaffrey should score a bunch of points again. Mike Evans and CeeDee Lamb have also been steady hands on offense, coming through for Chriss in a reliable fashion. One other WR — Michael Pittman — has been steady for Chriss, but he’s dealing with the impact of a concussion. Having all three available would be huge for Chriss, who’s also relying on several unproven players. Nick Mullens looks to once again be the choice at QB. He hasn’t let Chriss down so far, but he’s been a backup for a reason. That includes Kareem Hunt, Evan Engram, and the Broncos defense. All of them are in relatively decent matchups, but they’re also far from a guarantee. Only twice all season has Chriss failed to score at least 100 points. One more such performance could end with him lifting the trophy.
Aly has been far from consistent this year and at times has even been among the worst teams in the league. But she’s peaking at the perfect time, something many fantasy football champions have done in the past. Part of that peak has been relying on a trio of Bills: Josh Allen, James Cook, and Buffalo’s defense. Each should do well again this weekend, though Aly will likely need her third Bill, Dalton Kincaid, to actually do something. Aly’s also dealing with her fair share of injuries, with Jordan Addison nursing a sore ankle and Isiah Pacheco in concussion protocol. She has a few replacements available in Tyler Lockett, Joe Mixon, and Clyde Edwards-Helaire. Her choices could go a long way to deciding this matchup, as could the efforts of guys like Justin “4th Round Pick” Tucker and Ty Chandler. But there’s been one other x-factor for Aly in the playoffs: Tee Higgins. Two of Higgins’ three most productive games all season have happened in the past two weeks. One more such performance could make Higgins Aly’s Kenyan Drake this season.
Chriss and Aly met once earlier this year, back in Week 8. The two put on a goddamn show, combining for over 250 points. Chriss won with one of his better offensive displays, but Aly showed the potential power that’s come forward during these playoffs. Now, two months later, the two meet again, this time as the last two standing in 2023, battling to be the one to hold the trophy to start 2024. Chriss has never been in this position before, with the only other time he’d even been the No. 1 seed resulting in a quarter-final defeat. This time, the best regular season team has indeed made it to the championship game, with Chriss looking for long-term redemption and to ensure that one of the best point-scoring years our league has ever seen doesn’t vanish into history. Aly has also never been in this position, but has married into our family of fantasy football. Her husband won it all last year and both her in-laws are former champs. But completing this scorching run would put Aly in a class of her own. Only one of these endings can come true.
ONE LAST THING
In terms of popularity, there are generally five sports that make up the top tier: football, baseball, basketball, ice hockey, and soccer. Then we have sports that everyone knows and respects, but are just a bit less popular: tennis, MMA, boxing, golf, auto racing, and horse racing. Then there are the sports that everyone recognizes, but are often more popular in specific countries: rugby, sumo wrestling, cricket, lacrosse, cycling. Then there are sports that the general public doesn’t give a shit about unless it’s the Olympics: swimming, track and field, gymnastics, volleyball, water polo, and anything related to extreme sports (skiing, snowboarding, skateboarding, biking). Then we have sports that are barely that and more like exercises, activities, or games being taken more seriously: ultimate, disc golf, pickleball, billiards, table tennis, darts, parkour, and e-sports.
Then we start getting to the bottom tier of what can reasonably be considered a “sport” and more accurately can be described as niche activities that occupy airtime only on ESPN 8: The Ocho. We’re talking about actual dodgeball leagues, slamball, quidditch, chess boxing, arm wrestling, wife carrying, and slap fighting. For years, I’ve considered competitive eating to be the king of these bizarre “sports.” However, there might be a new contender for the throne.
Two days ago, I went to Beach Hut Deli to get some post-work dinner. As I waited for my food, I checked out what was on the three TVs, which always show sports. One was showing a replay of the Dolphins-Cowboys game. Another was showing the Guaranteed Rate Bowl between Kansas and UNLV. The last one was showing something I had never seen before and quite frankly thought I would never see: competitive pillow fighting.
I had to do a double-take to confirm what I was seeing, but ESPN News was indeed airing an event being put on by something called Pillow Fight Championship (PFC). It had everything a big fighting organization would have: a sizable crowd, a boxing ring, announcers, commentators, sponsors, and two competitors wearing athletic gear. They were also each holding a pillow and swinging it at each other. Sometimes they would just try to whack each other. Sometimes they would even do a 360 spin while trying to hit their opponent. It was far from pretty. There were plenty of misses. One guy who “fought” accidentally fell through the ropes at one point. Another guy dyed his hair green and wore face paint to look like the Joker. But for the approximately ten minutes it took for my shark bite to be made, I was captivated by what I was seeing and stunned that I was actually watching pillow fighting on ESPN.
Of course, I had to learn more. After arriving home and devouring my sandwich, I looked up professional pillow fighting for the first time in my life. As it turns out, the PFC is the second major pillow fighting league in history — there was a Toronto-based women’s Pillow Fight League that lasted for five years and folded in 2011. But the PFC appears to be a much more professional and more thought out endeavor. Founded in 2021 by former MMA fighter Steve Williams and his brother, Paul, the PFC was conceived as a way to deal with pandemic PTSD. The two actually did a surprising amount of testing to come up with a rule set and other aspects. Originally meant to be played by your average Joe, it turns out that swinging a pillow around for any longer than a minute or so is genuinely taxing on the body, thus limiting participants to actual athletes.
The PFC is made up of two divisions: men and women. The vast majority of registered competitors are former MMA fighters, boxers, or other martial artists and athletes (the roster includes former UFC fighter Marcus Brimage and two-time muay thai world champ Istela Nunes). Fights are limited to just two fighters competing in three, 90-second rounds. Those rounds are scored on a points system where any shots to the head are worth one point, a head strike off a 360-degree spin are worth two points, and a knockdown is worth three points. Knockouts and TKOs (the latter usually due to exhaustion) are rare, but technically possible (if you get knocked out by a pillow, just retire from life). If there’s a tie, an extra 30-second round is held. As for the first part of the league name, each pillow weighs about two points and has three rounded handles that allow for easy grip. The pillows are stuffed with foam and encased in lightweight nylon sailcloth. Fighters can use their non-pillow hand to block pillow strikes or push (but not grab) their opponent’s off-arm out of the way. Pillow fighting is shockingly regulated and organized, with each division having a world champion with a custom belt and everything.
Incredibly, as insane as competitive pillow fighting sounds, the PFC is not only surviving, but apparently thriving. I guess that’s apparent by the fact that they got airtime on ESPN. Beyond that, there are nationally televised pillow fight competitions in Brazil. The PFC is also reaching out to the youth with PFCKidz and has an agreement with HartBeat Productions (belonging to Kevin Hart) to develop a celebrity comedy pillow fight series.
Beyond the spectacle and sheer bizarre fact that professional pillow fighting is an actual thing, there are legitimate reasons for this “sport” to become more popular. Unlike most other combat sports, where cuts, broken bones, concussions, and other injuries are common, you’d have to try incredibly hard to actually get hurt in pillow fighting, no matter how hard you’re hit in the head. If anything, the biggest danger for competitors is not being in shape. Plus, the PFC began right away with a roster of credible athletes and combat sports veterans, lending a big hand to its somewhat “grasping at straws” effort to prove its legitimacy. .
So what are we to make of all this? Am I inspired or trying to inspire others to become a professional pillow fighter? Am I going to watch like an earnest fan from now on? Honestly, no. But either way it’s weird and fucking hilarious. I might have to sleep on it — who’s got a pillow?
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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