Ruben's Writings

Another year has come and another fantasy football season has gone. A lot has changed since the start of 2023. The league as a whole has one more child (with two more on the way) and one more married man. Although it’s technically not a living thing, one of our league members also gave birth to a kidney stone. We’ve also played significantly more golf in 2023 than perhaps in any calendar year before. Streaks have been snapped, records have been broken, and many bets have been won or lost. When it comes to the league, 2023 saw something that’s never

happened before. In stark contrast to the United Kingdom, we are now under the rule of a Queen.

(cue theme music)

EPIC BOWL XIII RECAP

6, QUEEN’S GAMBIT DEF. 1. WELL DAMN

111.16 – 96.60

For a battle between two people in their first Epic Bowl, this was one of the best championship games in our league history. The fact that it was competitive — as well as who actually ended up winning — surprised us all, especially given how it began. The final Thursday Night Football game ended without much of an impact, although Kareem Hunt did a bit better for Well Damn than expected. But come Saturday, it seemed that Chriss had just been handed the title by CeeDee Lamb (28 points), who absolutely went off as the eventual highest-scoring player on either roster. With Chriss already out to a huge lead, he appeared to get another gift, this one courtesy of Queen’s Gambit. Aly had, for some reason, cut Brock Purdy with enough time left for Chriss to pick him up. Losing Nick Mullens and being forced to choose between Tyrod Yaylor, Jake Browning, and Geno Smith, Chriss seemingly got the break of the season. With his one notable weakness seemingly taken care of, Aly had set herself up for the ultimate loss.

But these games aren’t played on paper — once the first round of games on Sunday began, Aly just straight up punched Chriss in the face. As it turned out, Purdy (although he played well) was fool’s gold — both Taylor and Browning would end up putting up more points. Neither could touch Josh Allen (25 points), who was backed up by several other strong Bills. Strangely, James Cook wasn’t one of them, although Ali did get much more support from Dalton Kincaid than usual. Instead, it was Buffalo’s defense (17 points) that truly came through. Defense was the biggest discrepancy on the day, with Chriss opting for the Falcons over the Broncos. That ended up being a ten-point swing against him, which ended up making the final margin of defeat as big as it was. Usually, Chriss can make up one bad roster spot with multiple great efforts from others. But the likes of Mike Evans, Evan Engram, and Michael Pittman were just average, putting Chriss in a rare vulnerable position with just two double-digit performers.

That includes Christian McCaffrey — Chriss’ undisputed ace and the most productive member of his team all season. However, McCaffrey saved his worst for last, finishing with his lowest point total all year. Of course, this wasn’t McCaffrey’s fault — an injury forced him to leave the game early. But that doesn’t make things easier for Chriss to digest. However, Aly didn’t pull away immediately. Despite a dominant performance against the Dolphins, certain Ravens didn’t perform quite up to their potential. Patrick Queen was average and 4th round pick Justin Tucker was reduced to just kicking extra points instead of FGs. Then, Aly’s hero of the first two rounds — Tee Higgins — was largely shut down. Alex Singleton did his best to give Chriss a late push. But Aly had a few more barrels left in the chamber. The first was George Pickens (13 points), who put up a good follow-up to his previous godlike effort. But the player who truly helped Aly to the title was someone who (according to one of us) shouldn’t have been on her roster.

Think back to draft day — no, I’m not talking about the Tucker pick. Two rounds after we had all laughed at Aly for that pick, she made a pick that had (almost all of) us laughing with her. Ewing had identified Isiah Pacheco as his next pick and was talking to Aly about it. Then, when she came up one pick before him, she took Pacheco herself, stealing (whether on accident or on purpose) him right from under Ewing’s nose, forcing her husband to take Gabe Davis instead. While Davis would frustrate Ewing to no end (and end up costing him the semi-final victory over his wife), Pacheco would end up dropping 22 points in the Epic Bowl, allowing Aly to finally pull away from Chriss and decide the championship before Aly’s last player, Ty Chandler, even had a chance to take the field. 24 hours after it first looked like the Epic Bowl would be an ass-whooping, the championship game was, in fact, decided by double-digits. However, the winner was not who we thought it would be, with Aly, not Chriss, entering the champions club after all.

FINAL STANDINGS

DRINK PUNISHMENT TRACKER:

1. Jimmy (119.44) –> Aly (55.84) & Ewing (86.14)* [Shot of Fireball]
2. Chriss (146.66) –> Ruben (51.25) [Voodoo Ranger Imperial IPA]
3. Richard (143.68) & Emilio (143.28)** –> Kyle (74.96) [Modelo Especial] and Ruben (74.36) [805]**
4. Richard (124.74) –> Ruben (83.64) & Jimmy (83.18) [Modelo Especial]***
5. Jimmy (180.82) –> Richard (66.34) [Device Brewing Curious Haze]
6. Riaz (138.67) –> Richard (73.32) [Voodoo Ranger Fruit Force IPA]
7. Ewing (135.16) –> Kyle (57.76) [Coors Light]****
8. Chriss (138.16)***** –> Ruben (77.52) [Lagunitas Tiki Fuson Zombie Cocktail-Inspired IPA]******
9. Kyle (133.50) –> Ewing (76.70) [Dominga Mimosa Sour]
10. Chriss (139.36) –> Ruben (65.16) [Stone IPA]*******
11. Aly (121.90) –> Arik (75.94) [Choc Tease BuzzBall]
12. Chriss (140.46) –> Richard (67.58) [Sierra Nevada Hazy Little Thing IPA]
13. Ewing (150.60) –> Richard (50.90) [Tequila Rita BuzzBall]********
14. Ewing (114.04) –> Richard (77.58) [Device Brewing Brits in Moscow]*********
15. Aly (135.76) –> Emilio (62.16) [Shot of tequila with stale water]**********
16. Riaz (146.70) –> Kyle (84.84) [Old Rasputin Imperial Stout] and Ewing (85.50) [Godfather cocktail] ***********
17. Emilio (129.30) –> Nick (79.48) [Belching Beaver Peanut Butter Milk Stout]

* Ewing voluntarily took a shot in shame after losing to Ruben

** Each pair — Richard and Emilio as well as Kyle and Ruben) — was separated by less than a point, so two drink choosers and drinkers were selected. Richard and Emilio each made a selection, while Kyle got to pick which drink to consume

*** Ruben and Jimmy finished within a point of each other, so both had to drink

**** Kyle got to choose the beer, but Ewing requested he shotgun it

***** Dad had a higher score, but he’s not taking part in this side-bet, so the choosing power defaulted to Chriss

****** Ruben drank two of the beers, Stone Cold style, in celebration of Josh McDaniels’ firing

******* Ruben drank two of the beers, because… well… oh shit do I have a problem?

******** Richard drank two of them for the lols and there was no controversy whatsoever

********* Ewing let Richard choose his drink out of mercy/pity

********** Aly let Emilio choose which alcohol to drink, only insisting he chase with his daughter’s sippy cup

*********** To maximize Ewing’s suffering, Aly was selected to choose Ewing’s drink

IN MEMORIAM

1. WELL DAMN

If you would’ve told Chriss that he would’ve gotten the best offensive player in the NFL with the 5th overall pick, he would’ve been thrilled and expected to be the top seed. While Well Damn did end the regular season at the top of the standings, it took a bit to get there. I didn’t like the rest of Chriss’ draft and maybe he didn’t either — he pulled a Gee and made more moves than anyone else in the league. While it took a while to get things going — Chriss started the season 2-3 and even lost to me for fuck’s sake — when the roster got hot, his squad was unstoppable. Christian McCaffrey, CeeDee Lamb, Mike Evans, and Michael Pittman had incredible years, while Chriss managed to keep finding replacements for Kirk Cousins (who got hurt after arguably his best season) who were actually productive. Nine straight wins put Chriss at the top of the standings and got him within reach of his first ever championship. However, Chriss’ incredible offensive production (minus Lamb) vanished in the title game, causing him to fall at the final hurdle.

IN VICTORY

6. QUEEN’S GAMBIT

When Aly stepped into the league, she had a lot of pressure on her shoulders. Sure, some of that was self-inflicted by some preseason shit talking. But she was also filling the shoes of a two-time champ and OG league member in Gee, while becoming the 4th member of the Ewing clan to take part in fantasy football with the general group. The other three had won championships, with natural comparisons being made to her mother-in-law, who won the title in her first year while not knowing a lot and being laughed at during the draft. True to form, Aly had plenty of laughter directed her way on draft day. Not only did she take Josh Allen second overall and famously take Justin Tucker in the 4th round, but there were other picks that were seen as reaches. However, Aly did exactly what anyone who doesn’t know a lot about football should do: pick based on what you do know. Rather than take after her husband, she drew inspiration from her father-in-law and drafted a lot of Buffalo Bills, the rest of the Queen’s Gambit roster proved to be sneaky good.

While not every draft pick hit, Tee Higgins, Joe Mixon, Tyler Lockett, Isiah Pacheco, and Jordan Addison would all play for teams that would remain in playoff contention throughout the fantasy football playoffs. Each of them would thrive, though it took a while for things to get going. A five-game losing streak dropped Aly to 2-7 and left her looking on the outside looking in. In fact, she basically had to win out to make the playoffs. But right when she needed it, those foundational draft pieces got hot, allowing her to be selective with her pickups (she made the fewest moves out of anyone in the league). Most importantly, the Bills got their heads out of their asses, with their own late playoff push giving Aly the power to achieve her full potential. Err… rather I mean she got pregnant and used her new superpowers to win. Either way, an upset win over Riaz, an emotional dethroning of her husband, and a comeback upset win over the top seed meant that the season ended in the opposite way it began: Aly looking down, laughing at the rest of us.

BEST & WORST OF THE SEASON

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: I mean… this has to go to Aly, right? As a league rookie who made some questionable draft decisions, few expected her to make the playoffs, let alone win the whole damn thing. Little did we know, Aly would make all of the memes come true, turning Super Saiyan (or getting pregnancy powers) just before the playoffs and capturing her first Epic League championship.

WORST: For the first time, we have a three-way tie for one of these sections. This tie goes to Kyle, Riaz, and Emilio: the three higher seeds who completely shat the bed in the quarter-finals. Kyle had been riding a fantastic stretch of luck, while Riaz and Emilio finished joint second in terms of points scored all season. However, all three failed to top 81 points when it mattered.

TRANSACTION

BEST: There was only one trade all season, so I’m just gonna talk about it here. Ewing sent Sam LaPorta to Jimmy in exchange for George Pickens. LaPorta was solid and helped get Jimmy to the playoffs, while Pickens really didn’t do anything, until Ewing cut him. Then Aly picked up Pickens right before the title game, with him making a big contribution to her eventual victory.

WORST: Over the last few weeks, my team played like Epic Bowl champs and turned out to be built for the postseason. The problem? I forgot to build a team to make the postseason. From Cooper Kupp and Jonathan Taylor to all of the injuries to making seemingly every wrong call for transactions, I truly had my finger on the pulse this season. Sadly, the pulse was actually dead.

LINEUP DECISION

WORST: There were two terrible lineup decisions that deserve mention over any good decision made this season. The first came in Week 7, when Richard literally forgot to start a defense, even though he had one on his bench. Had Richard made a simple swap, he would’ve won, with the result making the races for both the top seed and last place even closer than they were.

ALSO WORST: Gabe Davis is the most frustrating player to have on a roster. He’ll either have zero catches or drop 20 points, with no in-between. Ewing had to struggle with this dynamic all season. Unfortunately for him, Davis had one of those gangbusters games in the semi-finals… while on Ewing’s bench. Had he started, Ewing would’ve won back-to-back championships.

LUCK

BEST: This topic has been beaten to death more times than he’s actually racked up a point this season, but Kyle has to take this section. It’d be one thing if he didn’t score a lot of points and still made the playoffs. But to finish with the third-fewest points all year (the only two worse being the bottom two teams) and not just make the playoffs, but nearly get the top seed, is actually insane.

WORST: 2023 was not kind to the Dominguez family in fantasy football. First, my entire roster died, leading to the worst season of my fantasy career. Then, Dad barely missed the playoffs by a few dozen points. Actually, he missed the mark by less than  — that was the margin of Dad’s defeat to Richard in Week 11. If that loss was a win, Dad’s in the postseason instead of Jimmy.

While we’re here, let’s look back at Yahoo!’s projected standings at the start of the season. 

To be fair… this might be the best overall projection I’ve seen from Yahoo! The overall 3rd place finisher and second-highest scorer were ranked in the Top 3, while Aly’s playoff seed was almost dead on and both Richard and I were projected to be terrible. While Chriss was ranked far too low and Riaz and Arik basically switched spots, I’ll give Yahoo! credit for predicting Kyle to finish that low based on his overall low scoring this season. Interestingly, if you click “draft day projections” on the league homepage now, you get different standings. Those are as follows…

While Aly and Ewing’s final finishes were nearly accurate )and Richard’s was dead on), how in the fuck did Yahoo! think I’d finish 10-4? Swap those numbers around and it’s almost accurate. Also, the top two regular season finishers were projected to miss the playoffs. That’s why they play the game, I guess. 

STAT OF THE WEEK

Honestly, I didn’t have a good NFL stat for this week and I don’t care to find one. In addition to this fact above, every other year of the four-team CFP has seen at least one SEC team in the championship game. The only two without one: 2014 and 2024. Mental. I’ll be rooting for Washington, if only because the thought of the Pac-12 walking off into history with the natty is fucking hilarious. Either way, Raiders fans should keep their eyes on both QBs.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Yeah the Raiders got screwed on that one call, but they also had plenty of chances to win in Indianapolis. The Colts were a much better team and deserve to still be in the playoff hunt. It would’ve been nice to make the postseason, but realistically the Raiders weren’t doing shit if they had gotten in. In the end, the best decision is to focus on the future.

When it comes to that future, there are two key questions that need to be answered, and they’re centered on the two most important positions in football: head coach and QB. For that first question, we’re in a remarkably similar situation to this time two years ago. In 2021, Jon Gruden was fired mid-season and Rich Bisaccia somehow led the Raiders to the playoffs. While Bisaccia was far from a tactical genius and had no chance of winning Coach of the Year, he had won over the locker room and was simply a leader of men, which is half the battle. Perhaps no one else could’ve motivated that broken locker room and guided the Silver and Black to the playoffs. However, when it came time to decide whether or not to keep Bisaccia on board or go for a big name. Unfortunately, Mark Davis went for the second option. Even more unfortunately, that big name was Josh McDaniels. Who knows if Bisaccia would’ve led the Raiders to further playoff appearances, but McDaniels was definitely not the answer.

Not even two years later, McDaniels was fired and another interim coach, Antonio Pierce, took his place. Although Pierce did not lead the Raiders to the playoffs, the team was in a much worse position than it was when Bisaccia took over. Pierce has led perhaps an even more incredible turnaround, turning a toxic locker room into a unified force and bringing swagger back to the Raiders for the first time since their move to Las Vegas. Under Pierce, the Raiders definitely have their weaknesses — just look at the offense in non-Chargers games (more on that in a minute). But like Bisaccia, Pierce has become a leader of men — not even Bisaccia’s Raiders would have beaten the Chiefs in Kansas City on Christmas. Plus, Pierce had overseen a transformation of the defense — this is by far the best Raiders defense I’ve ever seen. The question has to be asked: has Pierce done enough to warrant the full time job, or will he (like Bisaccia) be passed over for a bigger name in the off-season?

A few newsletters ago, I was convinced that Pierce didn’t have it. Now, I’m not so sure. Again, in contrast to the phenomenal defense, the offense is disgusting butt trash booty cheeks. But there are ways to work around that. There are also a few key differences between Bisaccia and Pierce. First, Bisaccia, for all his faults, had an overall better roster than Pierce. While he did a great job in keeping the 2021 Raiders on the tracks, Pierce has turned the 2023 Raiders (an objectively worse team) around and improved them. Secondly, Bisaccia was 61 years old when he took over; Pierce had just turned 45. A younger coach has plenty of growth ahead of him, while the older coach is more set in his ways. Plus, Pierce just feels like a fucking Raider.

We also have to look at what names are available outside of the organization. Back in the 2022 offseason, the top candidates included Nathaniel Hackett, Brian Daboll, Todd Bowles, Eric Bieniemy, Mike McDaniel, Matt Eberflus, Kellen Moore, Joe Brady, and (sadly) Josh McDaniels. In hindsight, only one of those guys (McDaniel) is viewed in a positive light, two of them (Daboll and Bieniemy) are in the “maybe” category, while the rest are either bad or in decline. Funny enough, another name floated around was Patrick Graham, who the Raiders now have to work hard to hold onto. This year, the list consists of Ben Johnson, Brian Johnson, Dan Quinn, Lou Anarumo, Bobby Slowik, and Jerod Mayo. Who knows how this list will be looked back on in two more years, but the only name that interests me is Ben Johnson. Of course, there’s one name that was available back then and may be available now: Jim Harbaugh. While his availability may be determined by the outcome of Monday’s national title game, Harbaugh has a proven track record in the NFL and would bring an instant boom to any organization.

Personally, I think the Raiders should make Pierce the full-time coach. While the 2021 Raiders certainly faced more adversity, Pierce has done a better job in turning around this year’s squad than Bisaccia did two years earlier. Back then, the Raiders threw away a chance to keep a guy who had won over the locker room around. I don’t think Davis makes the same mistake twice. Pierce’s youth and overall vibe are two great factors in his favor as well. He reminds me of Dan Campbell, another former player who’s not an x’s and o’s guy, but is someone who could inspire his team to run through a brick wall. That’s the kind of coach Pierce appears to be. Campbell has also been successful because he entrusted the offense to a promising coordinator (Ben Johnson) and focused on the defense and overall squad. Do the same thing with Pierce — hire a smart, young coordinator and let Pierce give him the keys to the offense. Keep Graham and absolutely do not fuck with the defense. Of course, Campbell has also been part of great free agencies and drafts. When it comes to those areas, the Raiders have to answer that second question.

While I’ve changed my mind on Pierce, my opinion on Aidan O’Connell has not wavered. While not a lot was expected of him and he wasn’t exactly thrust into a perfect situation, Rod Farva has sadly proved that he’s not the guy. I don’t care if you’re a rookie or 15-year veteran, you cannot go three full quarters of an NFL game without completing a pass. If O’Connell wasn’t completely terrible at throwing the ball and having pocket presence, the Raiders might still be in playoff contention. Again, he was thrown into an unexpected situation to perform and is still young. Let’s keep him on as the backup and hopefully develop him from there. But when it comes to the starter, the Raiders need a new man. 

There are two ways to accomplish that. The first is through free agency or the trade market. This is the option the Raiders went with last season. Given that we’re right back here a year later, Jimmy Garoppolo didn’t exactly work out (who could’ve seen that coming?). The only free agent QB on the market worth a damn is Kirk Cousins, who will be 36 at the start of the season and is coming off a torn Achilles. Let’s not replace one old, injury-prone QB with another. Truthfully, there’s only one potential option currently in the NFL who intrigues me, and ironically he was partially responsible for my cursed fantasy football season: Justin Fields. With Chicago set to pick 1st overall in the draft and Caleb Williams available, Fields has become expendable. While he hasn’t exactly lit it up consistently, he’s still young and the Bears have historically proven to be as offensive as the fucking Care Bears. Chicago could decide to stick with Fields and use their two 1st round picks on Marvin Harrison Jr. and a defensive stud. But if they decide to put Fields on the market, the Raiders would be fools to not at least give them a call.

Then we have the draft, which has five notable QB prospects: Williams, Drake Maye, Jayden Daniels, Michael Penix Jr., and Bo Nix. Nix seems like the next Mack Jones and is projected to be taken well below his four over horsemen. So the Raiders effectively have to hope only three teams ahead of them in the draft order take a QB. Currently, those teams are the Bears, Patriots, Cardinals, Commanders, Chargers, Titans, Giants, Jets, and Falcons. Even if Chicago decides to stick with Fields, Williams and Maye are as good as gone, with New England and Washington seemingly set to draft a QB. Arizona, Los Angeles, Tennessee, and the New York Jets likely won’t take a signal caller, but the Giants and Falcons could do so. New York does have Daniel Jones just one year into a huge deal, but they will probably move on. Atlanta meanwhile will almost certainly take a QB, but the Raiders could pass them in the order depending on what happens in Week 18. Las Vegas could also be passed by the Minnesota Vikings, Denver Broncos, New Orleans Saints, and more. Regardless, the Raiders could also trade up to get in better position. But either way, I’d rather be in a better position to make magic happen either way. There’s also J.J. McCarthy, but unless he turns into the next Brock Purdy, no thanks.

In the end, I want the Raiders to have one of the three following QBs on the roster: Fields, Daniels, or Penix. With a young, not completely terrible QB at the helm and a young head coach that can motivate a locker room, the Raiders will finally have something to build upon. Will that be the route they end up following? As a Raiders fan, I know it’s far from a certainty. 

When it comes to all of the above, this weekend’s game against the Broncos provides a big decision for Raiders fans: better chances to land the likes of Penix or Daniels, or an eighth straight win over the Broncos? After all, Denver’s also in the market for a new QB…

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 WORST LOSSES OF THE RUSSELL WILSON ERA IN DENVER

As it turns out, the Raiders weren’t the only team that made a fucking terrible decision during the 2022 off-season. Everyone thought the Broncos’ trade with the Seahawks to bring Russell Wilson to Denver was a fleece of the highest order. In fact, it was — in Seattle’s favor. While an inspired Seahawks squad made the playoffs last year and have a chance to return to the postseason this year. Meanwhile, the Broncos have turned from a much-hyped potential threat to one of the league’s biggest jokes, thanks in part to one of the most anemic offenses — led by Wilson. Whether it be with Nathaniel Hackett or Sean Payton as head coach, Denver has largely failed to do anything of note, except disappoint its fans. All of this has caused Payton to pull the plug on Wilson and bench him for Jarrett “If I had a nickel for everytime I’ve become a starting QB after my team controversially benched the main guy, I’d have two nickels, which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice” Stidham. 

While I could go into further detail on the ethics (or lack thereof) of Denver using the various injury-related details and guarantees of his contract, the timing of it all, and how this all shows that the NFLPA is fucking spineless, the overall larger story is that the Wilson era is over. Come the off-season, Wilson will leave the city where he said “let’s ride” more times than he won games and likely be cut or traded. Personally, I’d love to see Wilson in Atlanta, if only to see how Future would react to his former fiancee’s husband leading his favorite football team. It’ll also be nice to root for him again — although he’s the NFL’s version of Carlton Banks and he reportedly hasn’t been the best teammate behind the scenes (see his departure from Seattle), Wilson has publicly said all the right things and been totally professional. Noted dick Payton can’t say that, although now he has the perfect chance to bring in his QB and prove he wasn’t carried by Drew Brees.

Before we say goodbye to the Dangerwich’s time in Denver (and before Sitdham snaps the Broncos’ losing streak to Las Vegas, because that’s naturally going to happen), let’s look back at the legacy he left behind. When you actually look at the past two years, you realize that not only have Broncos fans been forced to endure their team performing well below expectations, but suffer some of the most incredible losses the NFL has seen in a long time. Seriously, if you compare all 32 teams, Denver has had the wildest, most heartbreaking, humiliating collection of losses out of all of them over the past two years. Honestly, every single loss the Broncos have suffered during this time could qualify for this list and narrowing things down was a tough task. But it’s a task that’s been completed, so let’s ride and bask in the schadenfreude. By the way, in each main entry, I’ll include reactions from Brandon Perna (also known as ThatsGoodSports), a Broncos fan and one my favorite YouTubers. His descent into madness and responses to each successive defeat has been well documented on his channel.

HONORABLE MENTION: A TALE OF TWO HALVES

Last year’s Broncos-Chargers showdown in Week 6 was fucking weird. Russell Wilson started the game with ten straight completions, but ended on a 5/18 stretch as the Broncos tallied -9 passing yards in the second half. Denver shot itself in the foot plenty of times with mistakes and penalties, but got objectively fucked over by multiple referee decisions. The most controversial call came on a Los Angeles punt halfway through OT, when a Broncos player was blocked into the returner, who muffed the kick. No foul was called and the Chargers went on to win 19-16. 

HONORABLE MENTION: OFFENSE GROUNDED

After their Week 7 game against the Broncos last year, the Jets were left limping. New York had lost Breece Hall with a season-ending injury and been limited to well under 300 yards of total offense in Denver. Despite all of that, the Jets won 16-9. This was largely due to the offensive ineptitude of the Broncos, who were forced to start Brett Rypien due to Russell Wilson being injured. New York had one good play — a 69-yard TD by Hall pre-injury. It ended up being enough, as Denver couldn’t put together anything and squandered quite a winnable game.

HONORABLE MENTION: THE CHIEFS LOSSES

One thing that Broncos fans have to give Russell Wilson credit for: ending Denver’s 16-game losing streak to the Kansas City Chiefs. Back in October, Wilson became the first Broncos QB to top Kansas City since Peyton Manning in 2015. But there were a few chances to end the streak earlier, particularly last season. Twice within a span of a month, the Broncos put up way better offensive performances than usual, with the second- and third-highest point totals all year. However, both games saw Denver unable to stop the Chiefs, with late rallies falling short.

HONORABLE MENTION: HEARTBREAK IN HOUSTON

For the first time in seemingly forever, the Broncos were above .500 a month ago, riding a five-game winning streak into their trip to Houston. But Denver’s momentum seemingly vanished, struggling on offense and trailing 16-3 in the 3rd quarter. Even when the Broncos finally found the end zone, the Texans responded with a TD off a turnover. Denver battled back to narrow the deficit to 22-17 and had two great chances to score late, finding themselves at Houston’s 8-yard line with 23 seconds left. However, both drives ended with INTs, with the Texans holding on.

HONORABLE MENTION: FEELING THE ROAR

After the above loss, the Broncos bounced back with a win over the Chargers and were 7-6 going into their Week 15 game with the Lions, who were just 1-2 in their previous three games. Needing a win to boost their playoff chances and with seemingly everything in this matchup going in their favor, Denver proceeded to get their living shit kicked in. Detroit went up 21-0 to start the game and never looked back, winning by a final of 42-17. Jared Goff tied a Lions record with five TD passes while throwing for just 45 more yards than Wilson on the night.

10. ROUGH START TO NEW REGIME

After the disaster that was the 2022 season, Denver once again made big waves in the off-season by hiring Sean Payton as head coach. With their shiny new coach seemingly set to bring the offense back up to speed, the Broncos hoped to begin the 2023 season by snapping their six-game losing streak to the Raiders. New Las Vegas QB Jimmy Garoppolo led his team to an opening drive TD, only for Russell Wilson to do the same. However, Wil Lutz missed the extra point, which would prove crucial. Denver took a 13-10 lead just before halftime and tacked on another FG halfway through the 4th quarter (being stopped at Las Vegas’ five-yard line). The Raiders went on a drive that ended with another Meyers TD to go ahead 17-16. After forcing a three-and-out, the Raiders used a penalty and Garoppolo scramble of all things to run out the clock and start the Payton era on a sour note. Wilson had 27 completions for just 177 yards, while Josh McDaniels continued to do the one thing he’s good at: make the Broncos lose.

9. HUNTLEY THE HERO

With the Broncos being terrible and the Ravens needing a win to boost their playoff standing, everyone thought last year’s Denver-Baltimore matchup of Week 13 would be an ass-whooping in favor of the latter. But then Lamar Jackson went down with an injury in the 1st quarter and Tyler Huntley was forced into action. Suddenly, the outcome was in doubt, because now both offenses were terrible. For the next three-plus quarters, the offenses gave way to the defenses and special teams, with both Huntley and Russell Wilson throwing for under 200 yards. The ground game wasn’t exactly lighting the world on fire, either, as neither team finished with a player with more than 50 yards rushing. Instead, it was a battle of the FGs, with Denver up 9-3 late and seemingly about to sneak away with an unexpected win. But the Ravens put together a 16-play, 91-yard drive, capped by a two-yard Huntley TD run, to go up 10-9 with 28 seconds left. The Broncos had one more chance, but a 63-yard FG attempt fell short as time expired.

8. DAVANTE WALKS IT OFF

The Raiders-Broncos matchup from Week 11 of last season is what happens when a stoppable force meets a moveable object. Both teams were shit, but in ways that made things oddly compelling above the normal rivalry game. Hoping to beat the “Las Vegas” Raiders for the first time, Denver opened up a game filled with punts by jumping out to a 10-0 lead. However, a quick strike to Davante Adams cut the lead to 10-7, while Daniel Carlson made the score 10-10 going into the 4th quarter. Both Carlson and Brandon McManus would redeem themselves for earlier misses by lighting up the goal posts in the final frame, with Denver going on top 16-13 with just over three minutes left. Despite forcing a Raiders three-and-out, the Broncos were unable to run out the clock, allowing Las Vegas to tie the game with just 15 seconds left. In OT, the Broncos seemingly forgot Adams existed — three plays into the extra frame, Derek Carr found a wide open Adams for a walk-off, 35-yard TD as the Raiders escaped with a 22-16 win.

7. WILSON’S LAST STAND

As we’ll talk more about later, the holidays have not been kind to the Broncos over the past two years. This Christmas Eve, Denver seemingly had been given the perfect gift to keep their playoff hopes alive: a home game against the awful Patriots. The gift giving continued once the game started, with Bailey Zappe fumbling on New England’s six-yard line on the first play of the game. But the Broncos turned the ball over on downs. In fact, Denver’s first three possessions began in New England territory — they only scored once. Still, with a 7-3 halftime lead, the Broncos appeared to be in control. But then the Patriots dropped 20 points in the 3rd quarter, including a TD off a fumbled kickoff return by Marvin Mims. However, Denver didn’t give up, with Russell Wilson leading two 4th quarter TD drives (with two-point conversions) to tie the game with less than three minutes left. Even so, the Patriots kicked a FG with seven seconds left to win 26-23. After this game, Sean Payton decided to bench Wilson for the rest of the season.

6. AN OFFENSE TO FOOTBALL

Last year, the discourse over how terrible Thursday Night Football had become reached its zenith, thanks to the Colts-Broncos game (as well as Commanders-Bears the following week). This game was pure butt ass booty cheeks — last year, I ranked it tied for 4th (along with Washington-Chicago) in my Top 10 list of worst prime time games in NFL history. The only “offense” in this game came from Brandon McManus and Chase McLaughlin, who combined for seven FGs. Neither team found the end zone all night, with every attempt at either offense doing something good halted by good defense, poor execution, injury, or something stupid. Despite all of this, Denver seemed poised to win the game. But Indianapolis managed to tie the game with five seconds left before kicking a FG to start OT. The Broncos got to the Colts’ five-yard line, but passed up a FG attempt to go for the win on 4th & 1. However, Russell Wilson missed a wide open K.J. Hamler and saw his pass broken up, as the Colts “won” 12-9.

5. SEATTLE’S SUPER BOWL

The Russell Wilson era in Denver began with the football equivalent of bumping into your new partner’s ex, right after they had a bad breakup. The Broncos started last season with a trip to Seattle, where Wilson had spent the previous decade. After a controversial end to his time with the Seahawks, Wilson was traded to the Broncos in what was seen as a steal for Denver But led by Geno Smith, who became the starter after Wilson’s departure, Seattle went toe-to-toe with Denver, taking a 17-13 lead into halftime. Much like the end of Wilson’s time in Seattle, the second half was ugly, with the first three drives ending in fumbles (two were Broncos turnovers at the Seahawks’ one-yard line). Down 17-16 late in the game, Denver drove down to Seattle’s 46-yard line with 20 seconds left. But even with two timeouts left, new head coach Nathaniel Hackett controversially decided to attempt a 64-yard FG. That kick missed, with Seattle getting a cathartic win and Denver slowly realizing that things may not go as well as they’d planned.

4. HACKETT’S REVENGE

If you thought Russell Wilson’s return to Seattle was personal, that had nothing on this year’s Week 5 clash between the Broncos and Jets. After taking over as Denver’s new head coach, Sean Payton called the work that his predecessor, Nathaniel Hackett, did the previous year “one of the worst coaching jobs in the NFL.” Those words pissed off the Jets (Hackett was now New York’s offensive coordinator). Hackett’s return to Denver got off to a sloppy start, with the first half seeing as many safeties as TDs. The Broncos were up 13-8 at halftime, but early in the 3rd quarter, Breece Hall ripped off a 72-yard TD run (mirroring his 69-yard score against Denver the year before) to give the Jets the lead. After some back-and-forth scoring, New York was still up 24-21. Denver tried to rally, but Russell Wilson was strip-sacked, with Bryce Hall returning the fumble to clinch the game 31-21. As Hackett celebrated a win over the team who fired him, Payton had to suffer a loss against a coach he ignited a grudge match against months earlier.

3. HAIL MARY HOPE DASHED

After a poor start on offense to the Sean Payton era in Denver, the Broncos began their Week 2 clash with the Commanders on fire, finding the end zone on each of their first three possessions to take a 21-3 lead. However, a Washington squad that would go on to compete for the title of “worst team in the NFL” rallied to cut the deficit to 21-14 at halftime before tying the game early in the 3rd quarter. While Denver responded with a FG to retake the lead, the Commanders’ roll continued with two TDs by Brian Robinson to cap a 32-3 run and put Washington up 35-24. But the Broncos would not give up, cutting the lead to 35-27 and getting the ball back on their own 13-yard line with 48 seconds left. At midfield as time expired, Russell Wilson heaved the ball to the end zone, where Brandon Johnson somehow came down with the Hail Mary. Needing a two-point play to send the game to OT, Wilson’s pass to Courtland Sutton fell incomplete — though it looked like pass interference had been committed by Washington, no flag was thrown.

2. 70 GODDAMN POINTS

Just one week after getting the ultimate case of blue balls by having a successful Hail Mary attempt be rendered useless due to a missed call, things somehow got worse for the Broncos. In fact, it was much, much worse. To put it mildly, Denver got fucking steamrolled by Miami, with the final score of 70-20 serving as a symbol of historic defensive ineptitude. Not only did the Dolphins become just the fourth team ever to put up 70 points in an NFL game, but the Broncos defense became the first to allow 70 points (all of which were scored by Miami’s offense). All told, it was the worst margin of defeat in Broncos history, with Denver also allowing franchise-worst marks in points (70), yards (726), TDs (ten), and rushing TDs (five). Amazingly, things could’ve been even worse, as the Dolphins had a chance to kick a FG late in the game to make it 73 points. But, in an act of mercy, Miami passed on the opportunity to tie the record for most points ever scored in an NFL game. Somehow, this decision actually made Denver’s humiliation even worse.

1. A CHRISTMAS DAY MEME

What could be worse than getting 70 points dropped on you? Well, how about another ass-whooping, this time on Christmas in front of a national TV audience, that ends with your head coach being fired? Last year, Denver spent the holidays in Los Angeles, where the Rams were not in the Christmas spirit. It took just over ten minutes for the Rams to jump out to a 17-0 lead, thanks to two INTs by Russell Wilson. Things did not get better for the Broncos, as the Rams would increase that lead to 31-6 at halftime. The final score would be a resounding 51-14, with Los Angeles’ final TD being a pick-six off Brett Rypien, who replaced Wilson after a three-INT day of his own. One of those INTs saw the ultimate humiliation thanks to Bill Fagerbakke, who was reprising his role as Patrick Star on Nickelodeon’s broadcast of the game. After the INT, Fagerbakke put the star on top of this terrible tree by exclaiming, “that’s not what he wanted to cook.” It was a HOF-worthy meme that perfectly summarizes Wilson’s time as a Bronco.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On January 4, 2000, arguably the greatest coach in NFL history resigned on the same day he was supposed to be hired. As their 1999 season concluded, the New York Jets were about to enter a new era, and not just because a new millennium was beginning. Longtime team owner Leon Hess had died before the season and brothers Woody and Christopher Johnson were in deep talks to buy the franchise. But one of the big decisions that a new regime could make would seemingly already be made before the takeover. Head coach Bill Parcells had taken over the Jets in 1997 and had the team in the AFC Championship game the following year. But losing starting QB Vinny Testaverde in Week 1 of 1999 took the air out of New York’s sails and saw them begin with a 1-6 record. Although they had a surprising 7-2 turnaround after the bye week (thanks to Parcells swapping out QB Rick Mirer for Ray Lucas), an 8-8 record was not good enough to make a return trip to the playoffs. Shortly after a 19-9 Week 17 win over the Seattle Seahawks to end the season, Parcells announced he would be retiring for the second time in his career. However, it appeared that New York would not need an extensive search for a replacement — Parcells had designated his successor: the Jets’ defensive coordinator, someone who Parcells had a partnership with dating back nearly 20 years.

Bill Belichick began his coaching career in 1975 as an assistant with the Baltimore Colts. After short stints with the Detroit Lions and Denver Broncos, Belichick joined the New York Giants in 1979, beginning a stay that would last 12 seasons. In 1983, Giants head coach Ray Perkins left to succeed Bear Bryant as coach at the University of Alabama and was replaced by the team’s defensive coordinator, who was none other than Parcells. Two years later, Parcells promoted Belichick to his old coordinator position, with great success. During their tenure together, the Giants produced a strong defense that led the team to two Super Bowl victories, including Super Bowl XXI against the Buffalo Bills — it was Belichick’s defensive game plan that spurred New York to the upset win. Following that second title, Parcells decided to retire for the first time. While many expected Belichick to be promoted to head coach, GM George Young decided on RB coach Ray Handley. As a result, Belichick left to become the head coach of the Cleveland Browns, where he would spend the next five years (four of them with Nick Saban of all people as his defensive coordinator). Belichick only won one playoff game before he was dismissed as the Browns moved to Baltimore. Ironically, that came against the New England Patriots, coached by Parcells, who (one year after backing out of becoming the coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers at the last minute) had returned to the coaching ranks in 1993. Belichick would not be out of a job for long, joining Parcells’ staff in New England for the 1996 season, which saw the Patriots reach Super Bowl XXXI. More drama would follow — Parcells wanted to leave the Patriots for the Jets, but his contract prevented it. So while the two teams negotiated a deal to make it happen, New York hired Belichick as an interim head coach. That appointment was temporary — once Parcells officially became a Jet, Belichick was defensive coordinator, with the understanding that he would succeed Parcells when the time came.

That time certainly appeared to be happening. Parcells announced his second retirement on January 3, with all of the details for Belichick to replace him being finalized that day and the official press conference scheduled for January 4. Hours before the conference, Belichick was spotted leaving Jets facilities after a morning workout. When it was time for the announcement, Belichick — looking slightly disheveled and still sweaty in a suit and tie — had one of his own. He scribbled a note that read “I resign as HS of the NYJ” on a napkin and gave it to team officials, before stepping out to face the media. What unfolded was one of the most bizarre media interactions in NFL history — after a 25-minute opening statement and about 25 more minutes of Q&A, Belichick left the Jets organization for good. Many people have since speculated as to the exact reason Belichick did what he did. The official reason he gave was concerns over the team’s ownership situation. Some have also suggested that Belichick was tired of being under Parcells (who had agreed to remain in New York as GM). Others say Belichick was swayed by the advances of another team: the Patriots. New England also changed head coaches after the 1999 season, firing Pete Carroll and pursuing Belichick as his replacement. However, the Jets declined Belichick permission to speak with other teams, like the Patriots had with Parcells three years earlier. Belichick then filed an antitrust lawsuit against the NFL, which was only resolved after Parcells and Patriots owner Robert Kraft agreed to settle their differences. A compensation package was agreed upon and on January 27, Belichick had another press conference. This time, it was for his introduction as New England’s new head coach — he would stay there a lot longer than he did in New York.

Over the next 20+ years, the tale of the Jets, Patriots, and the man who technically coached both of them would reach Shakespearean levels. The Johnsons’ purchase of the Jets was made official just over a week after Belichick’s resignation. New York would promote LB coach Al Groh to be the new leading man, with his first season at the helm finishing 9-7 — better than the 5-11 Patriots during Belichick’s first season. Groh would leave after the season to become head coach at the University of Virginia, being replaced by Herm Edwards. In Week 2 of the 2001 season — Edwards’ first game against Belichick — Patriots QB Drew Bledsoe was hit hard by Jets LB Mo Lewis while running out of bounds. Bledsoe had to be taken to the hospital and replaced by his backup, a 6th round selection from the previous draft named Tom Brady. The rest, as they say, his history. Behind Belichick’s coaching (and strong defense) and Brady’s eventual golden arm, the Patriots would win six Super Bowls, becoming the modern NFL dynasty. Together, Belichick and Brady compiled a 30-8 record against the Jets, who have struggled to find a semblance of sustained success or consistency at either the head coach or QB position. That doesn’t mean New York hasn’t been a thorn in New England’s side at times, most notably during the Spygate scandal and the Jets’ upset Divisional round win in 2011 during the Rex Ryan-Mark Sanchez regime. But for every one of those instances there are several more that have gone against the Jets, most notably the infamous Buttfumble. As of this writing, the Patriots have won 15 straight games against the Jets under Belichick, with potentially the final such matchup scheduled for this weekend. As for Parcells, his second retirement would not be his last. The Dallas Cowboys hired Parcells as head coach in 2003, keeping him there for four years. After a spell as EVP of Football Relations with the Miami Dolphins and a stint as an advisor for the Browns, Parcells finally retired from football for good. Parcells has also since mended his relationship with Belichick, with the two starring in a 30 for 30 film called The Two Bills. Among the highlights is that unforgettable moment that took place 23 years ago.

OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:

— 2014: Andrew Luck leads the Colts on one of the greatest comebacks in NFL history, as Indianapolis rallies from down 38-10 to beat the Kansas City Chiefs 45-44 in the Wild Card round

— 1986: Eric Dickerson sets a NFL playoff record (that still stands) with 248 rushing yards, as the Los Angeles Rams thrash the Dallas Cowboys 20-0 to advance to the NFC Championship Game

— 1976: The Dallas Cowboys become the first Wild Card team to reach the Super Bowl, routing the Los Angeles Rams in the NFC title game to face the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl X

— 1970: The Minnesota Vikings become the first expansion team to win the NFL title, topping the Cleveland Browns 27-7 and advancing to face the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl IV

MY CHALLENGE

Yeah, I’m insisting on this one, especially since several of you have told me that you’d be interested in taking part in a trivia night competition. The problem: only one person (Dad) actually responded to me directly. The rest of you only told me after I pressed you for answers. How am I supposed to know if you guys want to do something or like something I propose if I get no feedback… if you don’t fucking tell me? There’s got to be some help around here, people.

Anyway, now that I know y’all wanna do this, I’ve finalized my proposal. This trivia competition will be solely focused on the NFL — it’s the one thing we all somewhat know (due to us being in the same fantasy football league, obviously). It will be held on either a Friday or Saturday night, preferably before the Super Bowl (even more preferably either the weekend before or weekend of the big game). This will be held online via Zoom, unless we get the people not living in Sacramento to actually come back to the Valley. I will host and Aly will be the scorekeeper. The rest of you (however many of you join, hopefully all ten of you) will compete in eight different rounds of trivia, each based on a popular game/board game/activity. If we get an even number of participants, at least one round will be team-based. All you will need is a notebook and a pen (preferably a thick one like a sharpie) Each round will be an opportunity to earn points, with the winner being the one who gets the most points. Alcohol consumption will not be required, but very much encouraged.

If this actually happens and we have fun, I would like to do something similar again, but with different sports. Basketball would be next, followed by baseball, followed by a mixture of the rest of the more popular sports. But let’s not put the cart before the horse and just focus on the football trivia night. That’s just one thing I’d like to do in 2024.

ONE LAST THING

For the most part, 2023 was a year where a lot of good things happened, but there was at least one bad part of those things that either tainted or ruined the experience. I finally got to go to Australia, but returned with a kidney stone. I reached my ten-year anniversary at FOX40, but had to endure a hell of a lot of bullshit and stress before and after. During that time, I was responsible for one of the most viral and heartwarming moments we’ve ever had on air, but the main person on the receiving end was unceremoniously let go shortly after. The Sacramento Kings finally got good and made the playoffs, but lost to the fucking Golden State Warriors in seven games. I went to my first WrestleMania, but saw my favorite wrestler lose in the main event in one of the most heavily criticized booking decisions in wrestling history. I went to Chase Field, but that was my only new MLB stadium. I started to actually get in shape, only to be derailed by COVID-19 and holiday bullshit. In fact, the only things I can think of that didn’t have any downsides were going to Nick’s bachelor party, meeting Tim Brown, and breaking my losing streak at the Golden 1 Center.

Funny enough, fantasy football kind of had the opposite deal. I had a fucking terrible year and fielded the worst team of my life, but somehow I didn’t finish last. That being said, “not sucking” won’t be the only change I will hopefully implement in 2024. Next season, we will be including two “injured reserve” spots per roster. This was something I’d been thinking of and honestly forgot to do before this season. Sadly, knowing how dead my team would become, I wish I had these roster slots. That will change next year. If you have any other ideas in terms of rule changes, let me hear them. I’d also like to get back to in-person drafts where everyone attends and we can have a unique way to determine the draft order (other than just letting Yahoo! decide). If not, we can just get as many people as we can into one spot, which will be better than The Alley. We also need to get golf going again, whenever temperatures get back above freezing and small lakes’ worth of water stop falling from the sky.

Beyond the fantasy football stuff, I truly hope 2024 will be one of change. I know that so many people go into the new year hoping to turn over a new leaf, but I’m not typically one of them. However, I am making it my mission to accomplish several important goals this year. The first is to finally get back in shape — now that I have a gym membership and am free of COVID-19, I feel confident about this one. Also, that goal will be heavily motivated by another one: finally completing a Spartan Race trifecta. 2024 will mark ten years since my first Spartan Race and I have only two under my belt (both of them sprints). The idea of a trifecta has been in my mind ever since, but I know I need to get in shape to get it done. Jimmy and I have made a drunken pact to do a trifecta together and y’all are welcome to join. I would also like to cross a few more MLB stadiums (preferably 3-5) off the list. One of those will definitely be Coors Field, with the Boston Red Sox visiting in July. I have some other ideas in mind and may even have one done by the time the draft day newsletter is published. In addition, I want to do two overseas trips this year, one in the spring and one in the fall/winter. One of those will hopefully be the South America/Antarctica trip, finally completing my continental journey. Between getting in shape and getting out there, maybe I can also tackle the whole “being single as fuck” problem. But if not, I’ll take solace in my films, as I attempt to once again watch 100 movies I’ve never seen before in a calendar year. I’ve already got one down — I saw The Iron Claw on Tuesday. 8.5/10.

Of course, a decent chunk of 2024 will hopefully be spent hanging out with you all. As I mentioned earlier, we have two little ones on the way and parental powers could impact the league standings. At the very least, we’re on a two-year bachelor party streak — which one of you will try and get marriage powers (looking at you, Kyle, Chriss, and Jimmy). But with life getting even crazier and some of us settling into or preparing for new routines, let’s not forget the help and friendship that we have together. 

Anyway, fuck you all and I’ll see you at trivia night.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness