Lady and gentlemen, football is back!
Before I go through the latest fantasy football and NFL news, notes, and opinions, I would like to highlight one new aspect of these newsletters. For the first time ever, they’re available online! Remember that website I made to give my World Cup of Hate project a place to call home? Well, that website also now has this newsletter, as well as every other one I’ve ever written, dating back to 2017. It took me like a week straight of work to migrate everything over, so please take a look back through league history when you get a chance.
When it comes to fantasy football, there are two major changes to note going into the season. The first concerns one of the issues that has annoyed people in recent years: the waiver wire. At the draft, we all collectively looked at the options Yahoo! allows and picked the one that should allow players to be picked up at any time before their games, even if other games have taken place (AKA the “Protecting Lazy Assholes from Suffering Their Own Consequences Rule”). In addition, each team has been allotted two injured reserve spots, which can only be filled by players who are actually hurt (AKA the “Ruben Dominguez Everyone on Your Team is Dead Rule”).
Another question those who failed to make the draft are probably asking themselves: what is this year’s prize for the top-scoring team? Once again, I took inspiration from one of my trips this year. No, not Antarctica — not this time. This comes from my most recent trip, which saw me split a week of my time in between Denver and St. Louis. Naturally, this was mainly due to my desire to cross two more MLB ballparks off my list and bring my total to 21. Of course, this requires a pair of brief reviews for the latest two ballparks.
COORS FIELD: It’s a damn shame the Colorado Rockies are dogshit (ignore what happened with the Red Sox this year), because a ballpark like this deserves to host the best. Coors Field’s worst aspects can be described as merely “good,” while its best aspects are fantastic. Delicious food, scenic views, plenty of activities, and a shit ton of good beer can be found throughout the venue, as well as the nearby McGregor Square, Union Station, and RiNo District areas. This is a surefire member of the Top 5 now and may just remain there when it’s all said and done.
BUSCH STADIUM: St. Louis Cardinals fans often get shit for the whole “best fans in baseball” thing, but goddamn if Busch Stadium’s quality doesn’t justify a lot of those perceptions. The ballpark represents St. Louis perfectly, showing off the best of the city through some tasty food, nice aesthetic, and tradition seeping through every pore. Ballpark Village might be the best area adjacent to a venue in all of MLB. While not quite reaching the level of “great,” this venue at the very least is at or near the top of the “very good” category, just below the best of the best.
Anyway, I didn’t come back from my trip empty-handed. After all, one of the cities I went to has a major football history that we have to respect, no matter our feelings towards them. The other city is Denver, where all of the Broncos fans can go fuck themselves. I’m talking about St. Louis, which has a former two-time NFL city. It’s also home to another team, this one from the UFL.
The highest-scoring member of the Epic League for the 2024 regular season will receive an XL St. Louis Battlehawks jersey!
I fear for the jersey’s stitching if anyone besides Chriss, Aly, or Emilio win it.
Of course, I was far from the only league member to do some notable stuff in the offseason. Homes were moved into, other trips were made, jobs were changed, and many shenanigans were had. But there were some of us who had their lives changed forever, thanks to making an addition to the family. I am of course talking about adding a championship trophy, which the members of Fire It Up did by winning the Xoso softball championship! Jimmy of course deserves credit as the manager and first baseman (channeling both his inner Art Hose and Scott Hattenberg), while Nick and Chriss were regulars/regular guests. Ewing and I are also awaiting our rings, given that we each played in at least one game. Arik and Aly deserve thanks for helping cheer the team on throughout.
Did I forget anything? Hmm…
….
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…oh yeah three of our league members became parents for the first time!
Nick and Danelle welcomed Dominic into the world, while Ewing and Aly added eventual Epic League champion Ryder to the family! The new dynamic duo joins Mila, Gabby, and myself as children of current league members, while Nick, Ewing and Ali join Emilio and Dad as child-bearers, making it so nearly half the league has had at least one child. Mazel tov!
Because we’re all degenerates, I’m sure at least some of us are wondering who will push that percentage to 50% or above, or if that threshold will be crossed before one of the families becomes even bigger. Therefore…
TOP 10 LEAGUE MEMBERS MOST LIKELY TO HAVE THE NEXT CHILD
I may or may not still be chasing the high from the “Top 10 League Members Most Likely to Get Married” newsletter from a while ago.
Obviously, there’s one league member who pretty much biologically can’t qualify for the list. I will not be getting another sibling unless Dad adopts, which doesn’t count towards the list. But adoption might be the most likely way for the Dominguez family to grow again, considering…
10. RUBEN
Yeah. I mean… yeah. To be fair I actually have an excuse this time. Having a girlfriend would have drained my funds to the point where I couldn’t have gone to Antarctica this year. I also have one more big trip planned for the year, with certain aspects of the trip potentially being awkward if I were dating someone. If you can believe it, I’ve also been regularly going to the gym for the first time in forever and have recently received some effective motivation to finally get in shape. Once I get back from my trip, I will actually try to date. Oh who am I kidding…
9. JIMMY
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely see Jimmy with multiple children in the future. He’s got arguably the biggest “dad without kids” energy I’ve ever seen. But there’s a difference between acting like a father and actually pulling the trigger. To that end, I think Jimmy’s got a hell of a lot more to do in life (traveling, going to sporting events, camping, golfing, drinking while doing all of the above) before he decides to settle down and have children. I mean, Jimmy once said he won’t even propose until the Raiders or A’s win a championship, so that’s gonna be a while.
8. RICHARD
While I can definitely see all of us having kids someday, right now Richard might be the furthest away from being there (though I didn’t rank him last). That’s not meant to be an insult, rather an observation of Richard’s current situation. The key words in this entry are “right now.” Once Richard finally decides to settle down, stop going to LA for food, and start a family, it’ll happen sooner rather than later. Richard will have kids someday, much like (statistically anyway) the Cowboys will eventually win another Super Bowl. But it ain’t gonna happen anytime soon.
7. RIAZ
Riaz may be the ultimate wild card when it comes to this topic in the league. I’ll be honest when I say that out of everyone here, I know the least about Riaz’s personal life. So it kind of puts me between a rock and a hard place here. Riaz could very well be in a worse situation than me (incredibly unlikely, but not impossible). He could also be slaying left and right, laying waste to the female population of Sacramento. He could also have a wife he hasn’t introduced to us yet. In the end, I have confidence in Riaz to do what needs to be done, whenever he’s ready.
6. CHRISS
Chriss has made the first step in the traditional path towards kids: getting a girlfriend. In fact, this and the remaining entries on the list center on those in relationships. But entries 4-6 have one theme in common: they’re probably not ready yet. Not only are Chriss and Taylor not married, but they just moved into a new apartment together. There’s way too much “new” going on to add probably the most impactful “new” you possibly could. I’d make a joke about Chriss being fast and running away from fatherhood, but Taylor also runs and can track him down.
5. KYLE
If I had to make another marriage Top 10 list, Kyle would by default rise to the top. However, this list finds him lower in the rankings. Of course, marriage and kids aren’t mutually exclusive — each can happen with or without the other, as well as before or after. But once Kyle and Alli eventually decide to tie the knot (and have finally gotten that pesky travel bug out of their system for a while), I have a feeling that kids will soon follow, like they did with the Top 3 spots on this list. Just don’t wrap the child in an Arsenal scarf if you want them to win the league.
4. ARIK
After not appearing on the marriage Top 10 list for obvious reasons, Arik finally makes his debut here. A lot of what I had to say about Kyle and Alli also applies to Arik and Patty, with the whole traveling and doing fun shit before settling down. But there are two key differences with the latter pair. First, Arik is actually married, meaning half of those bases have already been covered. Then, Arik is a little bit older than Kyle, meaning the time may be more biologically right to make it happen. Arik’s ready for it — he’s got the most non-Jimmy dad vibes here.
3. ALY/EWING
I’m hedging my bets by putting the four league members who both can have children and have already had kids at the top of my list. Two of those members would have to combine their efforts in this case, which you might think would mean they’d be the favorites. But while I don’t think Ewing and Aly are done just yet, I think there might be a bit more time between Kid 1 and Kid 2 for them than there will be for the rest. I predict a similar difference as there was between Ewing and Marin, unless there’s another pandemic or the Ravens win the Super Bowl or something.
2. NICK
I underestimated Nick when it came to the marriage predictions (even though I also put him in the Top 3 then) and I’m afraid I’m underestimating him by not putting him No. 1 here. Having been to Nick’s house and observed his setup, he’s got the edge when it comes to most of us in the fact that he just has to get up in the morning and he’s already at work. That new neighborhood is only going to grow and playground visits will be common. Also, there’s only so many times Nick can watch Shohei Ohtani hit nukes (as the Dodgers lose) before needing to let off some steam.
1. EMILIO
A surprise pick at No. 1, but there are several reasons I put Emilio up here. Like with Aly, Ewing, and Nick, Emilio’s already become a parent. However, his child is only younger than myself and Gabby when it comes to league member offspring. That means he and his family have had the most time to adjust and recuperate from the birth, which should mean that he’s closer to the next than the rest of the group. There’s also the fact that, as the non-Dad elder of the group, Emilio has the shortest window to increase his family size, meaning he has to get on with it.
For as much fun and games as we like to have in the newsletter, occasionally I have to touch on serious matters. I cannot properly and accurately recap the period of time between the last newsletter and now without mentioning something incredibly serious, something that should encourage everyone to live life to the fullest and not take any friends or family for granted.
Today is Ewing’s 32nd birthday, which by itself is worth celebrating. But it’s that something serious that makes this particular birthday more important than most. Days after welcoming Ryder into the world, Ewing went into the hospital for a lengthy headache and was diagnosed with a central neurocytoma — a rare brain tumor. Fortunately, the tumor was surgically removed within days and Ewing did not need any chemotherapy or radiation in the aftermath. That doesn’t mean Ewing got away scot-free — he had a fucking brain tumor, after all. In addition to having a badass, baseball seam-esque scar on his head, his ability to produce language was impacted. I’m not sure if that part was karmic payback for him (unknowingly) laughing at Matt Hamill all those years ago (I looked up how long ago exactly it was and this was my reaction), but somehow Ewing was still able to out-wit me the first time I talked to him post-surgery. While Ewing will put on a brave smile if asked about it, I imagine the road to recovery has been long and difficult, even in the context of everything working out as best it could. In addition, this meant that Aly had to take care of a newborn child and a husband recovering from brain surgery at the same time. Fortunately, Aly is Wonder Woman and both sides of the family came together to help how they could. As the Ewings continue to deal with all of this, let me speak for the league when I say we love both of you and we’re here for you, whatever you need. We’ll never take you for granted and we’re overjoyed that you’re still here.
So, with us all being thankful for Ewing being alive and today being his birthday, it makes sense for the theme of this newsletter to be all about Ewing. Given that his favorite team is about to lose to the Kansas City Chiefs once again (um, I mean totally get revenge for last season’s AFC Championship game!), how about a black-and-purple salute to the Baltimore Ravens? Nah, that’d be too easy.
That first time I spoke to Ewing after the surgery was when Jimmy and I dropped off a little care package. Seeking inspiration from adversity, we decided to theme every item of the care package on brains: a helmet and hat, gummi grains, a mug giving a one-star review to brain surgery, etc. So let’s put our heads together and do it one more time.
Happy birthday, Ewing! You’re not going anywhere for a long time.
DRAFT RECAP
MEGAMIND “HE DID IT” AWARD
For pretty much as long as the league has existed, Dad has (rightfully or wrongly) been the butt of constant jokes regarding his draft strategy. He’s also the only current league member with multiple Epic Bowl appearances to never win the title. But that could finally change this season. The Yahoo! gods bestowed Dad with an unheard of draft day projection of an undefeated season. Not just first place — Dad is projected to win every single game in the regular season. In the 2010 animated film of the same name, perennial loser and noted brainiac Megamind finally achieves his goal of world domination by “defeating” his arch nemesis, Metro Man. Now, much like Megamind’s “victory” over Mega Man, Yahoo! projections are kinda bogus. But the threat is there.
BRAIN SPAWN “MAKING PEOPLE DUMBER” AWARD
Dad wasn’t the only one who made Yahoo! projection history this year with his A+ grade. On the opposite end of the spectrum is Richard, who received the first F grade in league history, or at least the first one I can remember. What’s even more impressive is that Richard managed to “achieve” this grade despite drafting Pat fucking Mahomes. While I’m not saying I agree with Yahoo!, the historic F grade reminds me of a certain enemy from Futurama: the Brain Spawn. Though they were themselves incredibly intelligent, these brains had a side effect of making people stupid, stupid enough to earn a F grade in fantasy football drafting. If only Richard lacked a delta brain wave, then he could’ve avoided this terrible fate (though we wouldn’t believe it).
PINKY AND THE BRAIN “ANGEL AND DEVIL” AWARD
As for the person who lucked into the first overall pick, Jimmy surprisingly finished in the bottom middle of the pack when it comes to Yahoo!’s draft grades. That may be due to him listening to the devil on his shoulder more than the angel. In this metaphor, those equate to Pinky and the Brain, the cartoon mice from the Animaniacs spinoff Pinky and the Brain. As the absolute banger of a theme song states, one is a genius, while the other is insane. Listening to the Brain, Jimmy wound up with guys like Christian McCaffrey, Deebo Samuel, and Sam LaPorta. But listening to Pinky, who told him to listen to his Silver & Black heart, Jimmy ended up drafting multiple members of the “potent” Raiders offense. We’ll see which side he listens to from now on. Narf.
BRAIN SLUG “SLAVE TO THE PARASITE” AWARD
The second and (sadly) final Futurama reference in this section surrounds Brain Slugs, which are small, green, jelly-like parasites that latch onto people’s heads and take control of their brain. Under control of a brain slug, people do anything possible to spread the brain slug population, even if it’s dumb. This year, Riaz was unable to attend the draft in person due to contracting COVID-19. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t have an impact on those in attendance, who were quite stunned with some of his selections. In fact, Riaz’s lineup genuinely pissed Nick off, so much so that a new league rivalry may have been born. While Yahoo! gave Riaz a solid B+ grade, those projections are (as stated) dubious. Maybe the Yahoo! gods have brain slugs.
HECTOR CON CARNE “EVIL BRAIN IN BEAR BODY” AWARD
In today’s “random cartoons that you grew up watching but totally forgot” section, Evil con Carne was a show about an evil playboy genius, Hector Con Carne, whose body was destroyed in an explosion. His brain (and stomach) survived, being placed in jars and attached to a circus bear named Boskov. The show followed his attempts to rule the world, which are often foiled due to bear-related shenanigans. How can this hyper-specific reference possibly work for our draft? That’s where Kyle comes in. Apparently, Kyle was boarding a plane while the draft was starting and got a buddy of his to draft a team (minus a defense, defensive player, and kicker) for him. I wouldn’t trust anyone to do that for me. Kyle has to hope he has better luck than Hector.
MOTHER BRAIN “DECEPTIVELY TERRIFYING” AWARD
Last year, we all laughed at Aly when she took Josh Allen second overall, drafted Justin Tucker in the 4th round, and overall had a mediocre draft. While she made the playoffs, she was just 7-7 and no one considered her a true threat. Naturally, she went on to win the fucking league. This year, Aly decided to repeat her draft strategy in hope of achieving the same results. Facing Aly reminds me of facing Mother Brain in the Metroid video game series. One of the most iconic villains in the franchise, Mother Brain starts off as just a giant brain, but as you progress in the fight transforms into a giant fucking monster. That’s what it was like competing against Aly last season. Also, the whole “mother” connection was sitting right there. Can you blame me?
BRAINIAC “TECHNOLOGY WIZARD” AWARD
One of Superman’s most iconic villains and one of the most powerful comic villains around, Brainiac is a superintelligent cyborg who creates and masters the greatest machinery to acquire all of the data in the universe. He’s the ultimate master of technology, so the recipient of this award must be just as smart, right? No, I’m awarding this one ironically. It could easily go to Dad, who needed Nick’s assistance with figuring out how to work his iPad and, you know, drafting his team. But I’m gonna go with Chriss, if only because he has a history of being a greater rival with modern technology than anyone else in the league. Filling up the chat with “Well Damn has joined the draft” and “Well Damn has left the draft,” Chriss’ struggles continued once again.
KRANG “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING” AWARD
Although I watched several cartoons about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a kid, I never knew about Krang until trying to come up with ideas for this segment. Krang, one of the turtles’ recurring villains, was stripped of his body and reduced to a brain-like form as punishment for his crimes. As a brain thing, he continues to do evil. But Krang’s appeal, or lack thereof, comes from his disgusting appearance. It’s the same kind of reaction Yahoo! had when looking at Emilio’s roster, which was given the second-lowest grade in the league. While I’m not sure if I necessarily agree, strategies like having Caleb Williams as his only QB are certainly bold. Will this kind of investment pay off in the end, or will Emilio end up regretting his big-brained moves?
BRAIN “MASTERMIND” AWARD
Someone has to give the person who came up with and hosted Trivia Night (as well as the draft), runs the league, and writes up the newsletter a little credit for their brain power. So shall I compare me to summer’s day? Nah. How about a French genius and criminal mastermind whose brain is preserved in a machine with a skull on it, and who falls in love with a trained gorilla who went from animal experiment to personal assistant? Yeah, Brain is a weird character but an incredibly effective villain, one who really got to show off towards the latter half of Teen Titans. Also of note, Yahoo! is apparently rewarding my draft intelligence with an A grade. Remember what I said about Dad’s A+ being kinda bogus? Yeah, I’m gonna implement a double standard.
NO-GIRL “POWER NEGATOR” AWARD
So this is a nerdy ass reference if I’ve ever made one. For those not intimately familiar with the X-Men, No-Girl is a mutant whose ability (along with telepathy) is to negate any other mutant’s powers, and whose brain was removed from her body and kept alive in a capsule. This can apply to Arik and his draft for two reasons. First, Arik’s ability to consume alcohol allegedly led to him being unable to attend the draft in person, failing to collect his Trivia Night victory trophy in the process (for the love of god please come get this thing from me, already). Second, being neutral, like mutants after coming into contact with No-Girl, is how I feel about his team. There are some good and bad picks, but nothing jumps off the board and he’s projected to finish .500. Meh.
RILEY’S EMOTIONS “GODDAMN IT, NICK” AWARD
This award is less about Nick’s drafting and more about my reaction to him changing his team name to Hawk Tua, via the emotions inside Riley’s brain in Inside Out. Joy: thank the lord I don’t have to write “C’mon Charbie Let’s Go Party” in the newsletter anymore. Sadness: oh no I’m gonna have to write “Hawk Tua” in each newsletter this year. Disgust: the fact that Nick changed his team name to reference a viral video of a woman talking about spitting on a penis during oral sex (who has her own goddamn wikipedia page). Fear: as I write this section at work I’m terrified that someone is going to look over my shoulder and call HR. Anger: Hawk Tua may not even be the most innuendo-filled name in the league, thanks to Dad of all people going by Bone 2 Bone.
(THE) BRAIN “INTELLIGENCE” AWARD
Even if this newsletter wasn’t slightly themed after him, I would say Ewing is objectively one of the smartest members of the league, given the whole ambulance driver thing. He’s also made it to at least the semi-finals in each of the past two seasons and was given an A grade by Yahoo! this year, so it seems like he knows what he’s doing. Given that I’m pulling my punches towards Ewing this week, I have to find a brain-themed character that’s actually nice (a surprisingly tough task). Eventually, I remembered the Brain (also known as just “Brain”), the really smart kid from Arthur. Fun fact: his real name is Alan Powers. Anyway, this ends the segment of me once again heaping praise on Ewing’s fantasy football skills and not trying to jynx him or anything like that.
MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT
I’ve got a weird feeling at the start of this season. When the Raiders aren’t complete dogshit, there’s usually a large discrepancy between expectations for Raiders fans (who claim that this year is finally the time for the team to return to glory) and expectations for the rest of the football world (continued mediocrity). This year, I feel like there’s another discrepancy, except the dynamic is completely flipped turned upside-down. Even the most diehard Raiders fans I know have seven wins as the absolute ceiling for this team. But everywhere I look when it comes to “experts,” 7-10 is the floor, with most people picking Las Vegas to finish 9-8 or 10-7 and make the playoffs. Since when are delusional Raiders fans the pessimists here?
Don’t get me wrong, there are quite a few positives looking at this roster. That swagger brought by Antonio Pierce has seemingly been carried over into 2024, which can only be a good thing. For the first time in forever, the Raiders are starting the season with some kind of organizational confidence and continuity. That’s especially important when it comes to the defense, which for the first time I can remember as a Raiders fan is actually good. While I’m still not happy with the progress Tyree Wilson has made, Christian Wilkins should give Maxx Crosby some much-needed support, increasing his production even more. Special teams are as solid as ever and the receiving corps is littered with talent, from the incredible Davante Adams to solid options like Jakobi Meyers and Tre Tucker to a pair of young, promising TEs in Brock Bowers and Michael Mayer. Throw in an improved offensive line and the potentially good Zamir White and why shouldn’t Las Vegas expect to challenge for the playoffs this year?
Well I’ll tell you why. Out of all of those positions I listed, I neglected to talk about one in particular, which just happens to be the most important in football: QB. Last year, the Raiders won at Kansas City despite Aidan O’Connell throwing for 62 yards, all of them in the 1st quarter. Imagine how good this team could be with a good QB under center! Unfortunately, O’Connell seems to have not improved since then. While he made the overall better plays in the preseason, he also made the worst ones and failed to win the starting job. That honor went to Gardner Minshew, who was incredibly mediocre in the preseason. Last year, Minshew was solid if not spectacular as he nearly led the injury-bugged Indianapolis Colts to the playoffs (and would’ve made it had Tyler Goodson had hands). But Minshew has looked like a shell of himself so far, which could be blamed on Luke Getsy’s system (which if true means the situation is even more fuked than we thought). Minshew didn’t win the starting job so much as O’Connell lost it, which isn’t giving many Raiders fans confidence going into a duel with Justin Herbert in Week 1.
The sad part is that it didn’t have to be this way. While I’ve since come around to Bowers falling to No. 13 and am excited about his potential, the fact that the Raiders couldn’t get any of the six big QB prospects is extremely frustrating (especially since one of them went to Denver). While the price to jump into the Top 3 may have been too steep to pay, the fact that we didn’t end up locking down any of the other three shows a surprising lack of balls on management’s part. Sure, no one expected the Falcons to take Michael Penix right after paying Kirk Cousins all of the money. But at least their front office did something instead of waiting for the perfect opportunity to fall in their lap.
I’m going to make a prediction: at this time next year, the Raiders’ starting QB will either be Shedeur Sanders or Dak Prescott.
As for this year, I just can’t see the Raiders doing anything productive or being too competitive. 2024 kind of feels like a filler year — once Las Vegas gets a QB next year, then things will be exciting. But right now, I feel like there’s not enough to be hopeful for. Maybe this team will prove me wrong. But for now, let’s just pray to all things holy that the fucking Chiefs don’t win it all again. At the very least, kick some ass for this man.
Think of all of the legendary players who have donned the Silver & Black over the years — Ken Stabler, Gene Upshaw, Art Shell, Fred Biletnikoff, Ted Hendricks, Dave Casper, Cliff Branch, Willie Brown, Jack Tatum, George Atkinson, Jim Plunkett, Howie Long, Marcus Allen, Bo Jackson, Tim Brown, Charles Woodson, etc. If asked to pick one player who embodies the spirit of the Raiders, the most “Raider” of them all, none of them would be my pick. That honor would go to the original Raider himself, Jim Otto, who passed away in May at the age of 86.
If you can believe it, Otto was almost a Minnesota legend, which may have been more poetic given he was born in Wisconsin. When no NFL team showed interest in the undersized center from Miami, Otto was drafted by the Minneapolis franchise that was to play in the AFL. But when the group switched paths to accept an NFL offer (that would become the Vikings), Otto’s rights defaulted to the next team: the Oakland Raiders. That change of fate would impact the future of football, as Otto would become a legend in the sport and help establish the Raiders as one of the great teams in the pre-merger and immediate post-merger eras.
During most of Otto’s 15-year career (entirely spent in Silver & Black), he wore the rarely seen number of 00. That would be symbolic of the fact that there was no one like him. The original Raider didn’t miss a single game in his career (that lasted 2010 games), being one of just three players (along with George Blanda and Gino Cappelletti) to appear in every single game their teams played in the AFL. It’s no surprise that he was also named the starting center of the AFL All-Time Team (along with the NFL 100th Anniversary All-Time Team). Including his five years in the NFL, Otto played in six AFL/AFC title games, winning in 1967 en route to an appearance in Super Bowl II. Those five losses were to the eventual champions, a fact which helped establish the Raiders as one of football’s elite franchises. Otto retired after the 1974 season, just two years before the Raiders won their first Super Bowl (against Minnesota no less). But Otto’s spirit lived on through two other members of the title-winning offensive line: Gene Upshaw and Art Shell. For several years, the trio of HOFers (Otto was inducted in 1980) formed some of the greatest offensive lines in NFL history. All of those years resulted in an AFL title, dozens of All-AFL, All-Pro, Pro Bowl, and All-Star nods, and exactly one reception (which weirdly enough came during a game against the Pittsburgh Steelers that I will no longer discuss).
However, greatness often comes at a price, which Otto certainly played. A 15-year career as a lineman in the NFL is not good for the body. As a result of the punishment he took, Otto underwent more than 70 operations, including 28 on his knees alone (nine of them during his career), as well as several joint replacements. Those joints became riddled with arthritis, which led to debilitating back and neck pain. At one point, he was without a right knee joint because he had to wait for an infection to heal. Medical procedures were never easy, with Otto having to deal with three life-threatening infections due to joint complications. Eventually, his right leg had to be amputated altogether. Despite all of the pain and suffering in his post-playing life, Otto said he had no regrets and would not change a thing.
Even with all of the wear and tear and injuries and pain, Otto was able to avoid death for more than 86 years. However, death eventually came for him on May 19, taking not just a Raider legend, but the original Silver & Black great and a true NFL icon. As we mourn and remember the greatness of the OG Raider, we can also marvel at Otto’s legacy, which is still being added to. Back in March, Otto’s granddaughter, Amanda, competed in the famous Iditarod dog sled race, finishing 8th as one of a record four women in the Top 10.
RIP, Mr. Otto.
STAT OF THE MONTH
I know this is a football newsletter, but no kind of stats has captured my attention like stats about the 2024 Chicago White Sox. Forget the 2008 Detroit Lions and 2017 Cleveland Browns — this might be the greatest pile of trash pro sports team I’ve ever seen in my lifetime. The White Sox have been putting up some truly abysmal stats this season, including a truly shocking 21-game losing streak. They’re not just losing, either — they’re putting up some hilarious goofs and legendary lowlights. This all has, of course, done well for attendance in the South Side. The White Sox need to win just eight of their final 21 games to avoid breaking the all-time modern era record for worst team, set by the 1962 New York Mets. That’s a .381 win percentage. Chicago currently has a win percentage of .227.
The A’s are in the middle of a lame duck season where their fanbase has shunned them for leaving the city of Oakland, about to play at least three seasons in a AAA ballpark in a city that turns into the surface of the sun in the summer, and is (as of now) set to complete the most botched relocation in sports history for a city that doesn’t even want them. Yet if given the option, I would probably choose to be an A’s fan over a White Sox fan right now.
Of course, this newsletter is coming out the day after the White Sox actually won a game. Perhaps I’ve just reverse-jinxed them into avoiding history? Let’s see who they’re going to play next…
(checks schedule)
#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On September 5, 2002, the NFL kicked off its newest season in a way it never had before, and has done ever since. Before 2002, the NFL traditionally began each season on Sundays, with no specific game selected for the kick-off weekend. However, something pretty major happened in 2001 that greatly impacted the New York and Washington, D.C. areas. As a way to boost the economic recovery in those regions, then-NFL marketing executive John Collins and then-NFL Senior VP of Special Events Jim Steeg came up with the concept of a “Kickoff Game” to be held the Thursday before the Week 1 slate of games. The idea was approved for the next two years — with New York and Washington, D.C. each hosting the marquee matchup, respectively. ESPN was given the right to air the game, given that they owned the rights to Monday Night Football. .In return, ESPN eliminated its traditional late October Thursday night game, which was held the weekend of Games 1 and 2 of the World Series. This kickoff change was one of several taking place going into the 2002 season, which saw the introduction of the Houston Texans and the realignment of the NFL and its divisions as we know it today.
When it came to who would take part in the first kickoff game, New York was given the hosting spot, with the Giants somewhat surprisingly picked over the Jets (who had made the playoffs the previous season). However, the Giants had some star power of their own. Although DC John Fox had just left to coach the Carolina Panthers, Michael Strahan (who had broken the NFL single-season sack record the previous season) was the reigning DPOY. On offense, fans were eager to see what head coach Jim Fassel and OC Sean Payton could do with 1st round draft pick Jeremy Shockey. As for their Week 1 opponents, the San Francisco 49ers were a powerful foe, having made the playoffs with a 12-4 record the previous year (continuing the improvement under head coach Steve Mariucci) and boasting the likes of Jeff Garcia, Terrell Owens, Garrison Hearst, and Bryant Young. This would be the first matchup between the two teams since 1998 and the first ever showdown where the 49ers held the edge in the all-time head-to-head record (15-14).
With the eyes of the nation upon both teams, the offenses proceeded to shit the bed. The 49ers picked off Kerry Collins within the first minute of the game, but only mustered a few yards on their first drive and had their 25-yard FG attempt blocked. Both offenses would do a bit better on their next drive, each putting up a FG. However, shortly after the 2nd quarter began, Collins threw his second INT. But the Giants defense would bail out the offense again, picking off Jeff Garcia on the ensuing play. A couple of big passes by Collins saw the Giants get just outside the red zone, although Tiki Barber was stuffed at the goal line twice (including on 4th down). After a pair of punts, the 49ers once again missed a FG, allowing New York to kick a FG as time expired in the 1st half. The 2nd half didn’t exactly get off to a better start, with four straight punts to start the 3rd quarter. But then, San Francisco finally took advantage of good field position, with Garcia finding Hearst for a TD. New York compounded its problems with Collins’ third INT, which led to another 49ers FG. With their backs against the wall halfway through the 4th quarter, the Giants managed to convert a 3rd and 16, carrying the momentum all the way to a Barber TD with two minutes remaining. But it was Garcia who found Owens for a huge gain, then got San Francisco into the red zone, allowing Jose Cortez to kick a FG with six seconds left, as the 49ers won 16-13.
In a lot of ways, the result would be a sign of what was to come for both teams. Although San Francisco would have six Pro Bowlers, they would have a worse record than in 2001. However, the Greatest Show on Turf coming back down to earth allowed the 49ers to claim the first new-look NFC West title. Meanwhile, New York stumbled to a 3-4 record about halfway through the season. That’s when Fassel relieved Payton of play-calling duties — the Giants finished the season 7-2 and snuck into the playoffs as a 10-6 Wild Card. The first round would feature a rematch from the kickoff game, one that would be much more entertaining and memorable. A dropped TD pass by Shockey meant the Giants had to settle for a FG to take a 38-14 lead in the 3rd quarter. The 49ers would proceed to score the final 25 points of the game to win 39-38, though the Giants’ fuck-up on the final play arguably should have led to a penalty on the 49ers and another shot for the visitors. San Francisco would lose to the eventual Super Bowl champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers in the next round, with Mariucci surprisingly being fired three days later (the result of a power struggle between John York and Terry Donahue). Meanwhile, Payton was let go from New York — he would later rebound as an assistant for the Dallas Cowboys, before becoming head coach of the New Orleans Saints and winning Super Bowl XLIV (with Shockey on his roster). As for the kickoff game concept itself, the following year would see another lackluster 16-13 result, with Washington defeating the visiting Jets. However, the impact was tremendous — NFL increased sponsorship revenue by $1.9B over the initial 14 months and the TV rights of the game would be transferred to ABC (before being acquired by NBC as part of their Sunday Night Football package). In 2004, the NFL had the idea of having the defending Super Bowl champs host the kickoff game, which has (mostly) remained in place since then.
OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:
— 2013: Ewing has a truly terrible 21st birthday, as the Baltimore Ravens get smacked by the Denver Broncos 49-27 behind Peyton Manning’s seven TD passes (tied for an NFL record)
— 1994: Jerry Rice catches two TDs and runs for another score to tally his 127th career TD, breaking the all-time record set by Jim Brown (Rice would increase that record to 208)
— 1906: Saint Louis Univ. QB Bradbury Robinson throws the first forward pass in football history, hitting Jack Schneider for a TD against Carroll College (I know this is CFB, but still)
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 10 MOST IMPACTFUL NFL PRESEASON INJURIES
The NFL’s ongoing preseason problem was put into the spotlight once again this year, when Vikings rookie QB J.J. McCarthy tore his meniscus during a game against the Las Vegas Raiders. On one hand, you can’t just go into the season cold — players (especially rookies and new acquisitions) need reps in order to get used to the system and be ready when the regular season starts. On the other hand, the violent nature of football means that every down players play during the preseason presents an opportunity for them to miss the season by getting hurt in a game that doesn’t count. Now, eternally cursed Minnesota is forced to rely on Sam Darnold and/or Matt Corral for the rest of 2024.
Of course, McCarthy isn’t the first notable player to suffer a major injury during the preseason and the Vikings aren’t the first team forced to change their plans due to that kind of injury. Throughout NFL history, new signings, rookies, Pro Bowlers, and MVP candidates have been lost for the year (or most of it) by getting hurt before the season officially began. Let’s look at the most impactful of those injuries, both in terms of the severity of the injury suffered as well as what happened to the team as a result.
To clarify, we’re restricting this list to players who were hurt during a preseason game, not practice or training camp. That means the likes of Jamal Lewis, LeCharles Bentley, Teddy Bridgewater, Jeremy Maclin, Elvis Dumervil, and Ryan Leaf don’t quite qualify. Maybe that will be the Top 10 list in next year’s Week 1 newsletter…
Before we begin, I have to acknowledge what was unquestionably the most devastating preseason injury in history, even though it technically didn’t take place in the NFL. In 1963, the AFL’s Kansas City Chiefs signed track star Stone Johnson, who had finished fifth in the Men’s 200M dash in the Summer Olympics in Rome three years earlier. During a preseason game against the Houston Oilers on August 31, Johnson was blocking on a kick return when he dove into an Oilers defender, breaking his fifth cervical vertebrae and being left paralyzed. A motionless Johnson was rushed to the hospital, where despite surgical attempts to help him he passed away eight days later. Johnson’s No. 33 was retired by the Chiefs and he remains the most recent AFL/NFL player to die as a direct result of an on-field injury. No potential on-field impacts of any other injury can possibly be more impactful than literal death and I wanted to make sure the tragedy was at least mentioned here. But I didn’t want to end the list on such a somber note and I can technically use the AFL/NFL distinction to get out of it. RIP Mr. Johnson.
HONORABLE MENTION: JASON SEHORN
One of the most personally connected (to me) NFL players in history, Jason Sehorn (a Sacramento native and Mt. Shasta HS alum) was an up-and-coming star going into the 1998 season. Then, the unicorn white CB returned the opening kickoff during a preseason game against the New York Jets, tearing both his ACL and MCL and missing the season. Though he would play another five years in the NFL (and was a member of the 2000 NFC Champion New York Giants), Seahorn’s speed was diminished and he never quite lived up to his potential.
HONORABLE MENTION: OSI UMENYIORA
A decade after a Giants defensive stud was injured in a preseason game against the crosstown rival Jets, the New York Bowl struck again. This time, it was Osi Umenyiora who suffered a torn meniscus in the exhibition game, costing the defending Super Bowl champion Giants a key piece of their tremendous defense. Although New York went 12-4 in Umenyiora’s absence (while he spent time in the TV booth), the Giants were upset in the Divisional round. Umenyiora would return for the following season and win another title with New York a few years later.
HONORABLE MENTION: DUSTIN KELLER
Among the inconsistent offense of the Jets squads that randomly made back-to-back AFC title games in the 2009/10 season, Dustin Keller was a bright prospect, leading New York in yards, catches, and TDs in 2011. Despite being hampered in 2012, Keller signed a nice new deal with the Miami Dolphins the following offseason and was expected to be a weapon for young Ryan Tannehill. But in a preseason game against the Houston Texans, Keller tore his ACL, MCL, and PCL, and also dislocated his knee. The utterly horrific injury ended Keller’s career at age 28.
HONORABLE MENTION: CHRIS SPIELMAN
You may know Chris Spielman as a successful NFL analyst on ESPN and Fox, but he had a decent ten-year playing career, one that ended in devastating fashion. After missing half the 1997 season with a neck injury that required spinal surgery and all of 1998 to assist his wife in her battle with cancer, Spielman was set to make a grand return in 1999. Unfortunately, he suffered another neck injury during the preseason and decided to retire. Fortunately, Spielman has done well for himself in retirement and was inducted into Detroit’s “Pride of the Lions” club.
10. MICHAEL VICK (2003)
After making his NFL debut in 2001, Michael Vick exploded onto the scene in his sophomore season, lighting up the ground and air while leading the Falcons to the playoffs (and earning cover honors for Madden 2004). But just five days after the game was released, Vick broke his fibula during a preseason game against the Baltimore Ravens and would end up missing the first 11 games of the 2003 season. Atlanta was dogshit without Vick (damn I wrote that before realizing the unintended pun… fuck it I’m keeping it in), going 2-10 without him as starter and 3-1 after he returned. While Vick would return to form in 2004 and lead the Falcons to the NFC title game, the losing streak in his absence cost head coach Dan Reeves his job. Had Vick not missed that time, Reeves could have lasted into the following season. Instead, the Falcons passed on interim coach Wade Phillips (who left for the same position with the San Diego Chargers) and hired Jim Mora Jr., a hire that totally worked out for all parties involved.
9. MARK SANCHEZ (2013)
I glossed over this earlier, but remember when the Jets made back-to-back AFC title games with Mark fucking Sanchez at QB? That was random. Well, after those two years, New York came back down to earth, failing to make the playoffs in 2011 and 2012. In the 2013 NFL draft, the Jets threw kerosene on their on-fire QB room by selecting Geno Smith. After months of drama and talking points in the offseason, everything was rendered moot when Sanchez suffered a separated shoulder against the New York Giants (when he shouldn’t have even been in the game), ending his season before it began. Smith would have his moments, but the Jets finished 8-8 and missed the playoffs again. Sanchez would never play for New York again, while Smith took another decade of marinating to reach his full potential. Could Sanchez have saved his career if he played in 2013 and somehow guided New York to the playoffs? With more time to develop, does Smith get better in New York and stop the Jets’ QB carousel a decade earlier?
8. GARY DANIELSON (1979)
1978 was a passing-of-the-torch moment for the Lions at the QB position. Longtime stalwart Greg Landry would leave the team after being supplanted by Gary Danielson, who had a solid performance in the 11 games he started that year. Looking to take the next step in 1979, Danielson instead suffered a season-ending knee injury during a preseason game against the Indianapolis Colts. Without a capable starter for the first time in several years, Detroit went a pathetic 2-14 in 1979. However, that awfulness allowed the Lions to luck into the No. 1 overall pick, which was used to select Heisman Trophy-winning RB Billy Sims. Sims would be the focal point for the Lions on offense for several years and pave the way for another Heisman-winning RB from an Oklahoma school with initials of “B.S.” and the number 20. Meanwhile, Danielson (who would play nearly another decade in the NFL) kept himself busy, appearing on the broadcast for Detroit’s Week 14 game, beginning a legendary TV career calling football games.
7. TONY ROMO (2016)
Going into the 2016 season, Tony Romo was hoping to return to the form he showed in 2014, when he finished tied for third in MVP voting. Unfortunately, it was a lot more like 2015, when a broken collarbone caused him to miss half of the season. Even more unfortunately, Romo didn’t even get to play until Week 17, after suffering a fractured L1 vertebra during a preseason game against the Seattle Seahawks. However, unlike in 2015 (when the Cowboys finished 4-12 due to Romo’s injuries), Dallas finished 2016 with a 13-3 record and the top seed in the NFC. That was thanks to rookie Dak Prescott, who won OROY and brought the Cowboys offense back up to stellar. Prescott has remained Dallas’ starter ever since (though that may change next year), while 2016 was Romo’s last season in the NFL. If Romo doesn’t get injured, how much longer does he keep playing? Does that help or hurt Prescott’s development? Does Dallas go further in the playoffs with Romo instead of Prescott? Probably not. After all, they’re the Cowboys.
6. JOHN FRIESZ (1992)
One of the best QBs in Big Sky Conference history, John Friesz followed a stellar tenure at Idaho by being taken by the Chargers in the sixth round of the 1990 NFL Draft. In 1991, Friesz beat out Billy Joe Tolliver for the starting QB role and became the first San Diego QB to start all 16 games in nearly a decade. Unfortunately for the Chargers, Friesz was subpar, throwing more INTs than TDs as San Diego limped to a 4-12 record. Despite his poor play, Friesz remained the starter and even held out of training camp for a bit to get a better contract. But just 12 days after rejoining the team, Friesz tore knee ligaments during a preseason game against the Phoenix Cardinals, ending his season. After starting the 1992 season 0-4, San Diego traded for Stan Humphries (a backup with Washington). Like magic, Humphries turned around the Chargers, who finished 11-5 and made the playoffs (the first 0-4 team to do so). Two years later, Friesz departed San Diego, while Humphries led the Chargers to their only Super Bowl appearance.
5. SAM BRADFORD (2014)
Sam Bradford was a solid starter who never took the next step, in part due to the fact that he couldn’t stay on the field. One of his worst injuries came against the Cleveland Browns in the 2014 preseason, when he tore his ACL for the second straight season. The injury ended up impacting the future of multiple teams. In the offseason, the St. Louis Rams traded Bradford and a pick to the Philadelphia Eagles for Nick Foles and picks. Bradford couldn’t revive his career in Philly and was traded a year later, leaving the Eagles without a starting QB. Also in that same position was the Rams, with Foles unable to do much in the team’s final season in St. Louis. Both squads traded up to take two top QB prospects on the board in the 2016 NFL Draft, Jared Goff (Rams) and Carson Wentz (Eagles). Wentz (pre-injury) would lead the Eagles to the No. 1 seed in the NFC before Foles won Super Bowl LII for Philly. A year later, Goff would lead the now-LA Rams to Super Bowl LIII and then be the key trade piece for a Super Bowl LVI title.
4. DARRYL STINGLEY (1978)
This entry is difficult to write about and objectively rank, not just because of the devastating nature of the injury, but because it was inflicted by my favorite football player of all-time. During a 1978 preseason game between the Oakland Raiders and New England Patriots, Darryl Stingley, a young up-and-coming WR, was hit by Jack Tatum while stretching for a pass. As a result, Stingley’s spinal cord was compressed, breaking his fourth and fifth cervical vertebrae. Not only was his career over, but he was left a quadriplegic for the rest of his life (he died in 2007). While the hit was technically legal (no helmet-to-helmet contact) and was in line with the style of play at the time, it nevertheless shocked the sports world and became a symbol of the violent nature of football, resulting in the NFL changing its rules. All parties involved called it a regretful, freak accident. Stingley claimed Tatum never apologized for the hit (Tatum claimed Stingley’s family rebuffed his attempts to visit him at the hospital), but he later forgave him.
3. BUBBA SMITH (1972)
When brewing up the movie part of Trivia Night back in January, I almost included Bubba Smith, a stellar DE who would later star as Moses Hightower in the Police Academy franchise. But not only did Smith impact the world of cinema and TV, but he also forced the NFL to change part of its in-game operations. Back in the day, the NFL yard marker used to be a solid steel pole that the referee would stick into the ground to pin the chains down. That would prove to be problematic in 1972, when Smith’s Baltimore Colts faced the Pittsburgh Steelers in a preseason game in Tampa Bay. After Baltimore got an INT, Smith ran back to block and tripped over the chains, with his knee ramming into the steel pole. Smith’s knee was severely damaged and he missed the season. Though he would play again, he wasn’t the same. Smith ended up suing the Tampa Sports Authority, a case that ended in a mistrial six years later. But it did force the NFL to change up the chain gang, replacing the metal pole with a hard but flexible plastic one.
2. KI-JANA CARTER (1995)
Going into the 1995 NFL Draft, the Bengals, who owned the No. 1 overall pick, were excited to select their own version of Emmitt Smith. During his three years at Penn State, Ki-Jana Carter was one of the best RBs in the country, ending his final season second in Heisman Trophy voting and being named a unanimous All-American and All-Big Ten member, as well as the Rose Bowl MVP. Cincinnati took Carter with the top pick and seemed certain to have their bell cow back of the future (especially after signing him to a then-NFL rookie record seven-year, $19.2M deal). Then, just three snaps into the Bengals’ first preseason game against the Indianapolis Colts, Carter tore a ligament in his knee, ending his season before it began. Sadly, this would become a trend for Carter, who suffered several season-ending injuries, each of which sapped him of his ability. The Bengals let him go in 1999 and although he managed to play all the way until 2004, Carter is remembered as one of the biggest busts in NFL history.
1. TRENT GREEN (1999)
Throughout his career, Trent Green proved that he had the talent to be a top tier starting QB in the NFL. However, Green suffered a variety of injuries that hampered his progress. The most famous and impactful of those injuries came after Green had a breakout season in Washington in 1998, leading to him signing a four-year deal with the St. Louis Rams in the 1999 offseason. Expected to be the starter going into the season, Green instead tore both ligaments in his left knee after being hit by Rodney Harrison, leaving him out for the year. The Rams, despite going 4-12 the year before, had playoff ambitions, thanks to the additions of both Green and Marshall Faulk. Suddenly, they were forced to turn to an undrafted QB who went from stocking groceries to playing in the AFL and NFL Europe. That QB was Kurt Warner, who unexpectedly lit the NFL on fire in 1999, winning MVP honors. Leaning on their amazing offense (known as the Greatest Show on Turf), the Rams not only made the playoffs, but went on to win Super Bowl XXXIV.
A FAREWELL TO MY GOAT
When you think of your favorite football players ever, you often first flock to players who played for your favorite team. For me, these would be guys like Jack Tatum, Tim Brown, Charles Woodson, and Maxx Crosby. Sometimes, you also follow a great player that you either have some connection to (school, city, etc.) or are wowed by how great they are. But in unique circumstances, there will be some player who never really achieved mass popularity (either league-wide or even on his own team) but somehow manages to tug at your heartstrings. You’ll occasionally hear about a nice play they made or see a quick, 13-second highlight of them scoring on RedZone, and you’ll think to yourself, “hell yeah.” Then one day their overall unremarkable career comes to an end and you feel sad that the rest of the football fandom didn’t appreciate them like you did.
That happened to me this summer — two weeks after my birthday, to be exact. That’s when free agent RB Kenyan Drake announced he was retiring after eight seasons with various teams. If you’ve been in this league since 2019, I can feel you already rolling your eyes. But Drake is more than just a meme he became after that year’s fantasy playoffs. Given what he did for me, how could I not use this platform to look back on Drake’s career and pay tribute to the man who took just two games to become forever immortalized in the Dominguez household.
After rushing for 1,610 yards and 18 TDs in his senior year of high school (and being named the Gatorade Football Player of the Year for Georgia), Drake decided to attend the University of Alabama. During his four years in Tuscaloosa, Drake was a part of the famous Crimson Tide RB factory. Unfortunately for Drake, this meant that he was never the main guy in the backfield, backing up the likes of Eddie Lacy, T.J. Yeldon, and Derrick Henry. After missing most of his junior year with a broken leg, Drake returned for his senior season, which saw Alabama claim another national championship (the second of his tenure). In the 2016 CFB Playoff title game (the last game of his collegiate career), Drake made arguably the most important play of the night: a 95-yard kickoff return for a TD that gave the Crimson Tide a double-digit lead in the 4th quarter.
Despite his lack of tremendous playing time and injuries that kept him sidelined for a decent chunk of his collegiate career, Drake had enough talent and potential to intrigue NFL scouts. Drake ended up being the third RB taken in the 2016 NFL Draft (behind Henry and Ezekiel Elliott), going to the Miami Dolphins in the 3rd round. Drake played sporadically throughout his rookie year (though he did take the field in all 16 games), finding the end zone twice. After Miami traded away Jay Ajayi and Damien Williams got hurt, Drake finally got a chance to start in Week 13 of 2017, going for 120 yards and a TD in a win over the Denver Broncos. The next week, he totaled 193 yards from scrimmage as the Dolphins upset the New England Patriots.
But it would be in Week 14 of 2018 that Drake’s biggest contribution to Miami. Once again facing the Patriots, the Dolphins found themselves down by five points with seven seconds to go, with the ball at their 31-yard line. After Kenny Stills caught a pass over the middle, he lateraled it to DeVante Parker, who in turn tossed it to Drake. Seeing an opening, Drake scampered the final 52 yards to the end zone, capping off the comeback win with one of the greatest plays in NFL history, one that would become known as the “Miracle in Miami.” However, that would be the peak of Drake’s tenure in Miami. An overall lack of both touches and production, combined with a dismal start to the 2019 season, saw the Dolphins trade Drake to the Arizona Cardinals for a conditional 6th round pick (that later became a 5th rounder) at the deadline. It was in Arizona that Drake would produce his greatest stretch of play and run his way into my heart forever.
At first, it didn’t look like any special trade. Though Drake put up solid numbers in his first few games in Arizona, the Cardinals went on a six-game losing streak. But going into the Week 15 matchup against the Cleveland Browns, Drake would take on a bigger role than expected. That’s because after I had drafted Drake in the 8th round that season and stashed him on my bench, the time had finally come where I required his services. None of my RBs were adequately partnering with Christian McCaffrey and, heading into my semi-final matchup against Kyle, I felt like I needed any potential boost Drake could give me. What I could never have expected was that Drake would have the most productive game of his career, rushing for 137 yards and a whopping four TDs, leading the Cardinals to a 38-24 win and tallying up 38 fantasy points, more than enough to propel me past Kyle and into the Epic Bowl.
Hoping that result wasn’t a fluke, I kept Drake in the lineup in the final against Gee, hoping that my second straight trip to the Epic Bowl wouldn’t end like it had the previous year. Things weren’t looking that good going into the afternoon games. While I had the lead, Gee had several guys going, while I just had one. Gee’s guys ended up playing solidly, if not spectacular. That word was reserved for Drake, who took his first carry of the game 80 yards for a TD, netting me 14 points in one play. As Drake sprinted into the end zone, I screamed so loudly and repetitively that one of my roommates genuinely thought I was having a medical emergency. The only medical issues I had that day was that it didn’t go down for well after four hours after that TD, which wasn’t helped by the fact that Drake had another terrific day, with 166 yards and another TD, the latter clinching the championship victory for me and capping my redemption arc.
To recap: in the two games I called on Drake to save my season, Drake tallied a combined 68 points to lead me to my long-awaited Epic League championship. Needless to say, Drake instantly became my favorite non-Raiders player, so much that I still have an Arizona Cardinals shirt with Drake’s No. 41 on the back. Although you greedy bastards would keep me from having Drake on my team in the years to come, the impact and accomplishment will last forever.
Drake’s 2020 campaign would end up being the most productive of his career, finishing with 955 yards (plus another 137 receiving) and ten TDs, despite only starting 13 games. But even amid that success, the Cardinals tended to lean on the scrambling ability of Kyler Murray and mid-season acquisition DeAndre Hopkins more than the running game. Arizona started 6-3 but collapsed to finish with a 8-8 record. Little did any of us know that it would never get better for Drake, who became my favorite Raiders player when he signed with Las Vegas in 2021. Playing behind Josh Jacobs, Drake never really got a shot at being the guy, playing sporadically and seeing his production decline. That spelled the beginning of the end for Drake, who spent time with the Baltimore Ravens, Indianapolis Colts, Cleveland Browns, and Green Bay Packers, with none of those stints being even remotely productive. After eight seasons and a combined 3,866 rushing yards (plus 1,655 receiving) and 33 TDs (plus eight receiving TDs and a return TD), Drake finally decided to call it a career this past summer.
Ultimately, Drake falls somewhere between average player and memorable star. He was certainly no scrub (his eight seasons in the league are proof enough of that) and definitely showed flashes of brilliance, but he was also never good enough to consistently be the top RB. Both in college at Alabama and all throughout his NFL career, Drake not only had to battle injuries, but also other, more elite RBs for playing time. Drake does not have a collegiate or professional individual accolade and never topped 1,000 yards in a single season on the ground, although his pass catching ability was effective. While undoubtedly talented and productive enough to go beyond being another faceless RB, Drake belongs no higher on the tier list than the likes of C.J. Spiller, Ronnie Brown, Fred Jackson, Ryan Grant, and Joseph Addai — guys who are definitely memorable, but fall well short of even the Hall of Very Good.
However, unlike the rest of those guys, Drake will go down in NFL history forever. Images of him running past an outstretched Rob Gronkowski to complete the Miracle in Miami will be part of highlights until the end of time. He will also be remembered for a two-game stretch in 2019 that compares with the best two-game stretches of any RB. There was no more productive fantasy football player than Drake over those two games, with that production being used to propel me to heights I had only dreamed of. Drake was the perfect storm at the perfect time. For that, he will always hold a special place in my heart.
Congratulations on a tremendous NFL career and thank you for those two games in 2019. I may not have been a champion without them.
2024 DUES TALLY
Ruben: $50
Dad: $50
Ewing: $50
Kyle: $50
Chriss: $50
Emilio: $50
Aly: $50
Nick: $50
Arik: $50
Jimmy: $50
Richard: $50
Riaz: $50
Somehow this process has become almost as difficult as brain surgery…
THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS
QUEEN’S GAMBIT VS. BONE 2 BONE
Last year, Queen’s Gambit shocked the league by winning the whole damn thing in their first season. But Aly’s sophomore season and title defense begins with arguably the toughest test possible: the team predicted to go undefeated in 2024: Bone 2 Bone. Dad has seen another Ewing win the title and has to realize he needs to do his part to keep the Dominguez clan at pace in terms of championships (I can’t be the only one). Both teams are looking to make a huge statement to start the season and both have the offensive firepower to make it happen.
VELVET THUNDER VS. WELL DAMN
On the flip side, Well Damn is looking to do what I did in 2019: take that final step and win their first league title. Chriss came achingly close last year, but his path to redemption will require some help from players wanting something of their own: many bags of money. Dak Prescott and Ja’Marr Chase will be crucial for Chriss’ future. Meanwhile, Velvet Thunder will be looking to improve upon a rare playoff appearance from last year. Emilio’s a bit of a gambler, given that he’s relying on Caleb Williams as his starting QB. That’s one of many bets he’ll need to hit.
THE KRISPY KRITTERS VS. THREE EYED RAVENS
Although the trophy stayed in his household, it technically wasn’t Ewing’s to hold anymore, having been dethroned by his better half. To get back to the throne, Three Eyed Ravens are calling upon a king in Derrick Henry, as well as the QB the real life Ravens eliminated last year in C.J. Stroud. But it’s the QB who eliminated Baltimore who Ewing will have to worry about, this week, for multiple reasons. The Krispy Kritters boast Pat Mahomes, Ewing’s first overall pick from 2023. Will Ewing’s loss be Richard’s gain, or will he have enough to combat the switch?
HOG WILD VS. SONRISE
As for the person who lucked into the top overall pick this year, Jimmy will hope to do what Chriss did last year: ride Christian McCaffrey all the way to the title game. Given that the Wild Hogs also include the likes of Kyler Murray, Davante Adams, Deebo Samuel, and Daniel Carlson, Jimmy will be heavily relying on the “West Coast” offense this year. Meanwhile, it seems Kyle has finally made some moves of his own, such as adding non-offensive players. We’ll see if they can help Sonrise (I assume that’s a nod to Son Heung-min) get the win.
CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS
While Richard and I got the headlines last year in terms of bad luck, if just a couple of things ended differently, Channel 4 News Team would’ve made the playoffs and could’ve gone on a run like the lower seeds did. Now, Arik is looking to return to the postseason on the back of Jordan Love and a young offense. Love’s division rival, Jared Goff, will oppose him on the Footballdamus lineup, as Riaz looks to return to the playoffs after a better-than-average year last season. Both of these guys will look to finally take the next step up this season.
THE ANTARCTICANS VS. HAWK TUA
Let’s just say the Antarcticans have plenty to play for this week. Not only am I hoping to have a season like 2022 (as opposed to 2023), but my journey begins with an attempt to bring some social justice to the league. Yes, I’m still annoyed that Nick decided to name his team Hawk Tua (drafting Tua Tagovailoa to commit to the bit). In the matchup that (according to Yahoo!) is the closest on paper, Nick will hope to march to a meme title, while I will hope my soul was cleansed by a trip to the bottom of the world. Lamar, I need you to beat the Chiefs this time.
ONE LAST THING
Once upon a time, I thought that being forced to hold a literal giant “L” would be enough punishment for finishing last place in the league. But then Riaz decided to hold it for almost two years, letting Richard get away from his earned pain (if I ever finished last I would drive straight to the new lowest finisher the second it got confirmed and throw the trophy at their front door).
But something else happened: there’s been a rise in last place punishments for fantasy football. Of course, this isn’t a new thing — multiple season premieres of The League included someone (usually Andre) doing some kind of punishment. We’ve seen people like the one in the picture above and cars with an “I suck at fantasy football” license plate frame. But over the past few years, they’ve become more popular and more insane. Perhaps the most popular choice is the IHOP 24 hour/pancake challenge. Others include consuming an insane amount of food/drinks, making some kind of horrible artistic creation, performing some difficult athletic feat, making an embarrassment of yourself, or whatever the hell these guys did.
That wave has finally reached the Epic League — years after I initially tried to determine a last place punishment (with little fanfare), you guys are clamouring to have one. As I’ve proven before and will prove again, I am a generous commissioner and a man of the people. Therefore, I hereby decree that this year, whoever finishes in last place will be forced to endure some kind of punishment. Failure to complete the challenge at some point between the end of the 2024 fantasy regular season and the start of the 2025 fantasy regular season will result in the forfeiture of that person’s 1st round draft pick (they will be forced to pick a random player of the other league members’ choosing). There must be documented proof of challenge completion, whether it be photo, video, or livestream.
Of course, the big question now is what exactly the challenge will be. I want there to be a unique challenge each year (meaning no repeats), but I’m willing to see how it plays out this year. I also want that punishment to be the true choice of the league. So from now until the date of the next newsletter (September 26, or three weeks from now), I am accepting submissions from each of you, limit one per person. In the September 26th newsletter, I will list the submitted punishments, which will then be voted on until the following newsletter. For now, let’s worry about the first step. When coming up with a punishment, I want something notable, but not too far. Something more difficult than, say, wearing a t-shirt that says “I suck at fantasy football” but easier than, say, having to name your next child “Dakota Prescott.” I don’t want anything that will result in significant pain that could lead to a serious injury (like getting kicked in the nuts or head by a horse), lead to permanent body mutilation (no tattoos), or involve anything remotely sexual in nature. We want to laugh at others’ expense, not give them scars, trauma, or PTSD. It also has to be something physically, lawfully, and financially possible.
As an example, here is my official punishment submission: the 2-4-6-8 Challenge. In just two hours, the loser must consume either two, four, six, or eight of the following: donuts, slices of pizza, beers, and miles (on a treadmill or track). For instance, if I finish last, I could decide to run two miles, eat four donuts and six slices of pizza, and drink eight beers in that span. The order of consumption doesn’t matter, nor does which number is assigned to what item, as long as two of something, four of something, six of something, and eight of something is done. Think of it like the Beer Mile’s terrifying older brother who just got let out of prison.
Anyway, get your ideas in by either replying to this email or texting me/the group chat. If you don’t get a submission in by the time the next newsletter, tough shit. I know I’m asking a lot by asking someone else in the league to participate in something, but this is what the people want, apparently. You are the people. Don’t let me down.
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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