Ruben's Writings

While 90% of NFL fans have their eyes set on Sunday, this Saturday is pretty important, too. It’s not just because Georgia is playing Alabama in a Top 5 showdown. It’s also because Saturday marks the premiere of the 50th season of Saturday Night Live.

Through all of the ups and downs, golden eras and dark ages, controversy and praise, flops and successes, face palms and applause, SNL has remained a part of the country’s cultural zeitgeist and is undisputedly in the pantheon of greatest TV shows in history. I mean, apart from programs like TV news, sports broadcasts, soap operas, and game shows, SNL is one of the longest-lasting shows on air. It’s also produced some of the greatest comedic actors and actresses of all-time: Will Ferrell, Eddie Murphy, Chris Farley, Adam Sandler, John Belushi, Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd, Andy Samberg, David Spade, Mike Myers, Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, Phil Hartman, Tim Meadows, Billy Crystal, Will Forte, Norm Macdonald, Chris Parnell, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Jane Curtin, Kristen Wiig, Molly Shannon, Maya Rudolph, Kate McKinnon, Sarah Silverman, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus are just some of the various cast members (not to mention writers like Larry David, Conan O’Brien, John Mulaney, Adam McKay, and Bob Odenkirk) who have worked for SNL at some point in their careers, many of them using the show as a launching pad for later success. The amount of classic moments, sketches, and memes created by the show, not to mention franchises like Blues Brothers and Wayne’s World. It also partially led to Tommy Boy being made, which alone justifies its existence.

So as we get ready for the 50th season, let’s honor this show by referencing it while talking about fantasy football, just like Lorne Michaels would want.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

WELL DAMN (3-0) DEF. MAYBE NEXT YEAR (1-2)

129.56 – 81.04

(Justin Timberlake & Andy Samberg voice) Hey Kyle, Chriss’ got something real important to give you. Now you know we’ve been playing fantasy for such a long long time (such a long time), and Well Damn is ready to make it back to the championship game. You know the season’s here and the trophy is on the line (on the line). He’s gonna give you something to know what’s on his mind (what’s on his mind). A gift real special, to show I’m on top (of the standings). Take a look inside, it’s his Dak (Prescott) in a box! It’s his Dak (29 points) in a box. Chriss isn’t gonna get Kyle a diamond ring — but Yahoo!’s AI will make him change his name. Not gonna focus on how well Ja’Marr Chase (23 points) did, right or wrong, though Chris Olave (15 points) and Jahmyr Gibbs (16 points) were also strong. Not gonna get him a W — an L seems right, how about you? Wanna get him something from the heart. Some kind of ass whooping to show it’s real this time. It’s his Dak in a box! His Dak in a box, dude. It’s his Dak in a box! His Dak in a box, Dak in a box…

QUEEN’S GAMBIT (3-0) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-3)

125.72 – 85.08

(Bill Swerski voice) I’m Bill Swerski and these are the Super Fans. Now, despite being the most obvious skit to parody for an SNL-themed fantasy football newsletter, our glorious Chicago Bears (DAAAA BEARS) aren’t doing so well this season. In fact, this is the only matchup featuring any Bears players. Despite our predictions for the big game (Bears 57, Colts -5), Indianapolis won and DJ Moore only tallied seven points for Queen’s Gambit. That’s still more than Da Bears’ (DAAAA BEARS) defense and T.J. Edwards did for the Krispy Kritters, which sounds like a nickname for all of the brats, wings, and other meats we consume on a weekly basis at Ditka’s. Now despite Aaron Jones (20 points), Pat Mahomes (17 points), and Amari Cooper (20 points) killing it for Richard, everyone else on his team sucked. That’s how Aly, thanks to Josh Allen (30 points) and Saquon Barkley (29 points), won without any heart attacks (well, any more than usual). Now then, praise Ditka and let’s go Bears (DAAAA BEARS)!

HAWK TUA (1-2) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (1-2)

150.96 – 115.50

(Wayne & Garth voice) WAYNE’S WORLD! WAYNE’S WORLD! Welcome to Wayne’s World! I’m Wayne Campbell, and with me is Garth Algar. We’ve got a brand new segment called “Fantasy Football Matchup Review” (guitar riff). First let’s check out Hawk Tua. Name? SUCKS! (guitar riff) Jonathan Taylor (25 points)? He was good. Zach Charbonnet (24 points)? He was good. Sam Darnold (23 points)? Excellent! The Packers defense (21 points)? They’ve really stepped up to allow Green Bay to take advantage of an easy slate of games, weather the storm without Jordan Love and emerge as a true contender in the NFC, where the top dogs from last season appear to be on shaky ground. (guitar riff) Now, let’s go to Ewing! Three Eyed Ravens? Barely seen it. Derrick Henry (29 points)? We’re not worthy! The Jets defense (16 points)? It was good. Brandon Aiyuk? Sucked and not worth the money. Jaylen Waddle? Sucked and may be doomed without Nick’s team’s namesake. That’s all from us! (guitar riff) Party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth! 

FOOTBALLDAMUS (1-2) DEF. HOG WILD (2-1)

101.26 – 97.08

(Roseanne Roseannadanna voice) Jimmy from Sacramento writes in, says, “Dear Roseanna Roseannadanna, Hog Wild just lost to Footballdamus and it’s not right! Riaz’s team sucks and I’ve scored the third-most points so far, yet he beat me! What gives?” You know, this reminds me of the time my father taught me how to play fantasy football, and we started watching TV and I saw all of the dirt and sweat and blood on the players’ jerseys — know how some guys sweat so much they soak through the back and other guys slid on the midfield logo so they look like an art pastel and other guys look so clean like they barely touched the field — those are the guys who would love to try to tackle Roseanne Roseannadanna for loss of down if you know what I mean. Anyway, sometimes your opponent just has guys like Kyren Williams (29 points) who go off, while you leave 50 points from Jayden Daniels and Chubba Hubbard on the bench! That last one was some pro-Raiders bias — Roseanne Roseannadanna can tell! Anyway, back to you, Jane.

VELVET THUNDER (1-2) DEF. BONE 2 BONE (0-3)

89.98 – 84.76

(Matt Foley voice) My name is Matt Foley, and I am a motivational speaker. Like Emilio, I’m 35 years old. Like Dad, I’m divorced. Like both of them, I’m living in a van down by the river. Now both of you are probably saying, “I’m gonna go out there, grab the world by the tail, and win the Epic League!” Well I’m here to tell you that you’re gonna go out there and probably not amount to jack squat. Bone 2 Bone will be spending time recovering from knee surgery by eating a steady diet of government cheese, wasting efforts from Joe Burrow (25 points) and James Cook (14 points), getting nothing from their TEs, and living in a van down by the river. Now, Velvet Thunder may be wondering why they’re here — they won, after all. Well LA DEE FRICKIN DAH! Emilio won despite Derek Carr having his worst game (could’ve used him the week before) and leaving Jauan Jennings and his 35 points on the bench. I can’t tell, is that Emilio or Howie Roseman? You’d better get your act together, or you’re going to wind up living in a van down by the river!

CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (3-0) DEF. THE ANTARCTICANS (2-1)

73.72 – 64.68

(Stefon voice) If you’re looking for this week’s worst, stinkiest, most dogshit matchup in which both teams should’ve lost, look no further than Channel 4 News Team vs. The Antarcticans, also known as (fart noise). That place has everything: two undefeated teams playing like ass, fewer combined points than Nick, and nine one-armed midget shit shovelers (that’s players who scored fewer than five points). The worst among the bunch was the Raiders defense, which scored negative two points, fewer than the following: human suitcases, Furbies, screaming babies on Mozart wigs, glass young popes, old popes, and black George Washington. (pauses to put hands over mouth) And what’s amazing is that Arik actually won, despite scoring the second-fewest points in the league that week (fewer points than a burned down Red Lobster). I scored 130 points in each of the first two games, yet couldn’t even reach half of that this time. My lineup might as well have been filled with asbestos, lupus, magazines from Supercuts, Dan Cortese…

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. Well Damn (3-0)
2. Queen’s Gambit (3-0)
3. Channel 4 News Team (3-0)
4. The Antarcticans (2-1)
5. Hog Wild (2-1)
6. Hawk Tua (1-2)
7. Maybe Next Year (1-2)
8. Three Eyed Ravens (1-2)
9. Velvet Thunder (1-2)
10. Footballdamus (1-2)
11. Bone 2 Bone (0-3)
12. The Krispy Kritters (0-3)

JOUST FOR THE JERSEY:

1. Hawk Tua (355.48)
2. The Antarcticans (333.98)
3. Hog Wild (331.50)
4. Well Damn (329.54)
5. Queen’s Gambit (327.36)
6. Maybe Next Year (324.68)
7. Three Eyed Ravens (316.46)
8. Bone 2 Bone (294.12)
9. Velvet Thunder (283.06)
10. Channel 4 News Team (262.12)
11. Footballdamus (257.02)
12. The Krispy Kritters (234.46)

DRINK PUNISHMENT TRACKER:

1. Ruben (132.52) –> Emilio (65.62) [two glasses of Croft Purple Velvet wine]
2. Kyle (151.02) –> Richard (68.34) & Riaz (69.08) [two shots of tequila]
3. Nick (151.96) –> Ruben (64.68) [two cans of Guinness]

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: Maybe we should’ve seen this coming, given that Nick scored the second-most points in Week 1. But not only is a 150-burger surprising normally, it’s even more so due to the makeup of Nick’s lineup (especially post-Tua Tagovailoa injury). Sam Darnold, Zach Charbonnet, David Montgomery, and the Packers defense (post-Jordan Love injury). What a roster, indeed.

WORST: Yeah, I’ve got to hold the L on this one. We’re only three weeks into the season, so maybe my team is more like what happened in Week 3 than Weeks 1/2 (god I hope not). Regardless, to go from dropping 130-point bombs back-to-back to not even reaching half of that total in a week’s span is insane and unexpected. No one was more surprised than me. Trust me.

TRANSACTION

BEST: This one would’ve easily gone to Emilio had Jauan Jennings and his 35 points not been left on the bench. There was also Dad adding Andrei Iosivas, and then not playing him, or Jimmy adding Chubba Hubbard, and not playing him. So, uh, congrats to Chriss for adding the Vikings defense and Arik for adding a couple of players that led to the margin of victory over me. Yay.

WORST: Now I’m immediately going to take that honor away from Arik because he followed a traditional fantasy football strategy, one that went wrong. That strategy is adding whatever defense is playing the worst team in the league. Last week, that was the Raiders, who were playing the Panthers. Yeah, I’m gonna talk about that one in a little bit. God fucking damn it.

LINEUP DECISION

BAD: Just because he won doesn’t mean Emilio has been making all the right choices. There’s going with just Caleb Williams in Week 1, Williams over Derek Carr in Week 2, then switching to Carr just in time for him to come back to Earth in Week 3. Speaking of Week 1, had Emilio made some understandable changes to his lineup, he would’ve won and been 2-1 instead of 1-2.

WORST: On the opposite end of the spectrum, Jimmy should probably be 3-0 right now. Sure, the Zack Moss TD was lucky and made the loss to Riaz closer than it would’ve been. But it’s tough to ignore 28 points from Jayden Daniels and 22 points from Chubba Hubbard on his bench. Kyler Murray over Daniels is reasonable, but Hubbard should’ve been at least in the FLEX.

LUCK

BEST: This is not me being bitter about my loss. This is just a list of facts. Arik has failed to top 100 points in a single game and has only reached the 90-point mark once. In total, Arik has tallied the third-fewest points through the first three weeks. Despite all of this, Arik is 3-0. Given that Arik has usually been on the opposite end of this luck, we can’t really bitch about this, not yet anyway.

WORST: Speaking of opposite luck, Dad always complains about alleged bad luck when it’s just the breaks of the game. However, he might have a point this time. In three weeks of generally lopsided matchups league-wide, Dad has lost twice by fewer than six points. He’s also been significantly better than the only other 0-3 team. He really “knee-ds” to catch a break soon.

MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT

On Sunday, the Las Vegas Raiders were defeated by the Carolina Panthers. 

The Raiders, fresh off a rare early window, East Coast win on the road against the Super Bowl contender Baltimore Ravens, lost in their home opener to what is inarguably the worst team in the NFL. The Raiders didn’t just lose — they got their asses handed to them by a team that led for a combined ten seconds in the prior 19 games. At one point in the 4th quarter, the Panthers were leading 33-7. It took a pair of garbage time TDs to make the score even semi-respectable, and the margin of defeat was still 14 points. The Raiders were held to 55 rushing yards and were out-gained by 100+yards and out-possessed by about 12 minutes. All of this, at home against a team that lost their first two games of the season by a combined 73-13. 

This is, to put it mildly, completely utterly fucking embarassing. This is easily a Top 5 21st century loss in Raiders history, especially coming directly after one of the most unexpected victories in that same timeframe. After stinking out the joint in Week 1, the win over the Ravens (seriously Ewing how in the living fuck did that happen?) seemed to reset everything and inject a sense of optimism back into the season, especially with a winnable stretch of games coming up, starting with the easiest matchup you could possibly have: the Panthers at home. Then the Raiders took that optimism and momentum, ripped it all to shreds, barfed and shat on those shreds, and tried to pick up and run the shreds into the toilet, only to be stuffed for no gain and have a red-haired man in teal shove those shreds up their collective dickholes.

Obviously, there’s one major difference between the Panthers of the first two weeks of the season and the Panthers who walked into Las Vegas and left with a blood-stained W. Bryce Young finally got the hook and was replaced by Andy Dalton, who made Carolina’s offense purr a hell of a lot louder than before. We’ll have to see if the Panthers’ offense continues to improve under Dalton (which would make Young look incredibly bad) or if this was a one-off and Carolina still sucks (which would make the Raiders look even worse). While I think it will ultimately be a bit of both, at the end of the day, if you’re trying to use a 36-year-old Dalton making his first start of the season as a reason why this loss shouldn’t sting as much, you’re reaching a bit.

You know what the worst part of this is? I called it. After the Raiders beat the Ravens (and I had some fun gloating to Ewing about it), I looked at the next game on the schedule, saw that it was the Panthers, and realized the Raiders were going to lose. How did I know? Simple: it was the most Raiders thing that could happen. 

In the last newsletter, I mentioned that this was the least excited about a Raiders season I’ve been since I became a fan. It’s also the most I’ve wanted to be proven wrong. Maybe the offense wouldn’t be complete dogshit. Maybe the defense could be enough to carry this team to the playoffs. Maybe Luke Getsy wasn’t the problem in the Windy City and Antonio Pierce won’t make notable mistakes in his first full season in charge. But sadly, this loss proved all of those fears and concerns to be justified. I was worried this season would be a throwaway. It very much looks like that’s the case.

Maybe all of this is why I’m taking this kind of defeated tone, instead of going on an all-time tirade (ala the 2019 loss in the final game in Oakland) or re-entering Joker mode (born after losing to Jeff Saturday) for the first time in nearly two years. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fucking furious. But in the end, what’s the point? We knew this season didn’t matter, so why get that bothered by a defeat, even one as embarrassing as this? Sure, the Raiders won’t go winless and the victory in Baltimore lets me talk shit to Ewing for at least a year. But unless I’m proven drastically wrong, a feeling of “that’s nice” will be the peak of my fandom this year.

Mark it down: three weeks. That’s how long it took for me to no longer give a shit about the season. It’s just one more dismal record the Raiders will break this year. 

STAT OF THE MONTH

This is, to put it mildly, fucking nuts. It’d be one thing if both pairs were about the same age, but separated by just a few months. But we’re talking about a pair of college kids being five years older than a pair of pros. I’m not sure how much longer CFB will be impacted by the extra year of eligibility from the pandemic. But between that surely expiring in the near future and the overall drop in QBs leaving early to go pro (which I’m predicting because most of them have sucked recently), this might be the last time we see something like this. Also, shoutout to the last two college QBs to be born in the 90’s. We’re getting old, y’all.

(Also yes I know, Cam Rising didn’t play in the game so this stat technically isn’t true. But it was too insane not to include. Utah’s actual starting QB that game was Isaac Wilson, a true freshman who was probably born in (does the math)2006. By the way, he’s Zach Wilson’s younger brother)

In case you’re wondering why this section is so short, know that I had planned bits on how the Saints were killing it, the Ravens were in trouble, and the Panthers suck a fat one. Then New Orleans lost and Baltimore and Carolina won, rendering all of my points moot. So fuck them. But I did manage to find this…

It’s tough to imagine fans of teams that have suffered more than the Raiders, but the Miami Dolphins certainly fit the bill.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On September 26, 1967, we got our first look at what would be the final AFL team (and the NFL’s newest soon-to-be team): the Cincinnati Bengals. But the road to the tiger stripes began several years earlier and was paved by a team that would become their greatest rival: the Cleveland Browns. Founded in 1944 by American football icon Paul Brown, the Browns dominated the All-America Football Conference, winning the title in each of their four seasons in the league. A move to the NFL followed in 1950, with Cleveland adding another title in their inaugural year in the league. In fact, the Browns made the championship game of their respective league in each of the first ten years of their existence, winning two more NFL titles in 1954 and 1955. During this time, Brown served as the team’s head coach, becoming arguably the GOAT coach of the pre-Vince Lombardi era. But the back half of the decade proved to be difficult for Brown and Cleveland, with players and media questioning Brown’s decision-making and autocratic coaching style, while lauding more praise on another Brown: future HOF RB Jim Brown. The RB’s great play led to him being pretty much untouchable in Cleveland, with the two Browns frequently clashing heads and failing to bring home another championship. However, another person would soon enter the equation, one who would change the future of the Browns franchise and inadvertently lead to the creation of the Bengals.

In 1961, Art Modell purchased the Browns, buying Paul Brown’s 15% stake in the team while giving his coach a new eight-year contract. While it initially seemed like the new owner had his coach’s back, the 35-year-old Modell soon grew closer to his players, particularly Jim Brown, and grew to share their opinions of their sideline general. But it was another RB that caused the largest rift between owner and coach. In 1962, Paul Brown traded Bobby Mitchell to Washington (ending the franchise’s streak as the only NFL franchise yet to integrate) for Heisman Trophy-winner Ernie Davis, who had broken all of Jim Brown’s records at Syracuse. But he didn’t tell Modell, who found out from Washington’s owner. Further complicating problems, Davis was diagnosed with leukemia before the 1962 season. He joined the team after the cancer went into remission, but Paul Brown refused to play him, despite Modell wanting to give him a chance to take the field before he passed away. That never happened, with Davis passing away in 1963 and the relationship between owner and head coach unable to be repaired. Four months before Davis’ death and nearly 20 years after he founded the franchise, Paul Brown was fired as head coach and general manager of the Cleveland Browns. The decision received mixed results to say the least, with even the timing of the move being controversial due to a newspaper strike.

In the immediate years after the firing, Cleveland appeared to have made a smart move, winning the 1964 NFL title. But Brown was lurking pissed off in the shadows. Brown wasn’t done with football and wanted to get back into the game. After turning down the head coaching job for the New York Titans and reportedly trying to buy the Philadelphia Eagles, Brown eventually decided to create a new team, focusing on another location in Ohio. He narrowed his options to Cincinnati and Columbus, with the former winning out thanks to a study done by Paul Brown’s son, Mike, as well as a deal being reached with the Cincinnati Reds (who were looking for a new stadium) to build the multi-purpose Riverfront Stadium. That agreement was made in 1966, with the NFL agreeing to award Brown and his ownership group an expansion franchise the following year. By that time, the NFL and AFL had agreed to merge in 1970. While the NFL had an even 16 franchises, the AFL had nine, thanks to the addition of the Miami Dolphins in 1969. So, knowing that all AFL teams would be absorbed by the NFL in a few years, the new Cincinnati franchise became the tenth in the AFL. The announcement of the franchise took place in may, with the name — the Bengals (after a former football team that had called Cincinnati home) — and logo being unveiled four months later.

The Bengals officially took the field in the 1968 season, going just 7-20-1 in their two years in the AFL. The Browns, meanwhile, appeared in both NFL title games during those years, though they lost both (and thus failed to reach the Super Bowl). Once the merger was completed, Cleveland and Cincinnati were placed in the AFC Central. The first matchup between the two teams took place in the preseason, with Cincinnati scoring the victory. The first official win, however, went to Cleveland, though Cincinnati not only won the rematch but won the division by a single game over their Ohio rivals. Both teams split their 20 regular season matchups in the 1970’s, though neither went that far in the playoffs (the Bengals made three appearances to the Browns’ two). During the 1980’s, both the Browns and Bengals turned into title contenders. Cincinnati made two Super Bowls, while Cleveland would’ve made two of their own had it not been for the Drive and the Fumble. That decade also saw two of the rivalry’s most infamous incidents: Pat McInally getting knocked unconscious (and then scoring the game-tying TD) and Sam Wyche reminding Bengals fans they live in Cincinnati, not Cleveland. Just before the start of the 1991 season (with the Bengals holding a 22-19 overall edge against the Browns), Paul Brown passed away due to complications of pneumonia. Cleveland dominated the rivalry for the next several years, until Modell decided to move the team to Baltimore, where the newly-named Ravens won two Super Bowls. The latter came after Modell (who had since sold the team) passed away himself. While the Browns have since been brought back and continued the rivalry with the Bengals, Modell’s decision to fire Brown in Cleveland and the latter’s decision to found a new football team in Cincinnati remain among the most significant causes of cause and effect in NFL history.OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:

— 1998: Prairie View A&M defeats Langston 14-12, snapping their 80-game losing streak (the longest in NCAA football history) and earning the Panthers’ first victory since 1989

— 1977: The Browns participate in their first OT game in franchise history, defeating the New England Patriots 30-27 in Cleveland’s first Monday Night Football game in four seasons

— 1920: The first football game involving a team from the APFA (now known as the NFL) takes place, as the Rock Island Independents easily dispatch the non-league St. Paul Ideals 48-0

THE GREAT FORGOTTEN UPSET

As it turns out, a lot of important, historical stuff happened on September 26th. In addition to the football-specific examples listed above, there are surprisingly significant events (the first circumnavigation of the planet, the first televised U.S. presidential debate, the establishment of the U.S. Federal Trade Commission, the Oktoberfest terror attack, Albert Einstein’s introduction of the theory of relativity, and the time the world almost saw the beginning of nuclear war), births (Olivia Newton-John, Ivan Pavlov, Serena Williams), and deaths (Daniel Boone, Levi Stauss, Paul Newman) to have taken place on September 26. But as I was doing research for the previous segment, I realized that today also marks the anniversary of something few of us (at least from our generation and younger) realize took place. 

Given our love of sports, that’s significant, because what I’m about to talk about is quite possibly the greatest upset in sports history and the end of the longest winning streak any sport has ever seen. It’s an upset on par with the Miracle on Ice and Tyson vs. Buster Douglas, one more shocking than the Undertaker falling to Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania XXX, one so great, I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in a newsletter: talk about sailing.

When it comes to the world of sailing, there is no greater prize than the America’s Cup, the oldest competition in international sports and the fourth-oldest continuous sporting competition of any kind. First held in 1851 as the R.Y.S. £100 Cup, the competition saw sailing yacht clubs race around the Isle of Wight in the United Kingdom. The winning boat was a schooner from the New York Yacht Club named America, which became the namesake of the competition. In 1857, the trophy was donated to the NYYC on the condition that they would regularly defend it from all sorts of challengers. For well over a century, the NYYC did just that, taking on challengers from England, Northern Ireland, Scotland, Canada, and Australia and defeating their competition 24 straight times. The streak grew through multiple world wars, global eras, and several other historic moments. The streak grew to be older than the FIFA World Cup, U.S. Open Cup, MLB’s American League, and the NBA, NHL. and NFL are now.

Throughout their dominance, the NYYC was also able to constantly adapt to the changing technology and rule sets when it came to yacht racing (including what kind of boats were used in the actual race), as well as the America’s Cup itself. Thanks to a growth in the sport and backing from some major sponsors (this is a yacht club race, after all), the competition had gone from a single race to a “best of seven” series, though the last time anyone had even forced a winner-take-all race was back in 1920. Although there is no set timeline for title defenses, they usually take place every three to four years, a precedent that began during the streak. While usually only one challenger would apply each time, multiple clubs did so in 1970. That led to the creation of what’s now known as the Louis Vuitton Cup, where several yacht clubs from around the world compete for the right to challenge the America’s Cup holders. The winner of the first Louis Vuitton Cup in 1983 was the Royal Perth Yacht Club from Australia, which had been the home country of the last five challengers to the NYYC. The RPYC itself had twice attempted to top the NYYC, including the most recent edition in 1980. 

The 1983 America’s Cup received more than the usual amount of coverage. After taking over from the 1977 America’s Cup winning team skippered by Ted Turner (yes, that Ted Turner) as the NYYC representative, the skipper of the 1980 America’s Cup winning crew, Dennis Conner, would be back to make his first defense. Conner had become somewhat of a celebrity in the larger sports world, having been featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated, but his boat wanted to be far from the spotlight. Instead of modifying the 1980 winning boat Freedom, Conner wanted new designs for the 1983 boat. However, the first two designs failed miserably, leaving his team less than a year to put something together. That something ended up being Liberty, which had its final modifications finished just before it won the right to be the NYYC representative. 

But the larger headlines were going to Liberty‘s challenger, which was stirring up controversy. Bankrolled by Alan Bond (who would later play a central role in the largest corporate collapse in Australian history) and skippered by John Bertrand, the Australia II was deemed the biggest threat to the NYYC’s dominance in a long time due to its revolutionary “winged keel.” However, the NYYC claimed Australia II was not within the legal designs of the boat type and the keel itself was designed by Dutch engineers, not Australia’s Ben Lexcen, which would make it in violation of the stipulations of the America’s Cup. Ultimately, officials ruled Australia II to be legal within all grounds, though the issue had sparked a media firestorm not seen for a long time.

When all of those cameras were turned on and the actual competition began, it seemed like all of the hubbub would be for nothing. Sailing off the coast of Newport, Rhode Island, Liberty easily won the first two races by more than a minute, while Australia II was plagued by equipment failures. But just when it seemed like the latest America’s Cup might be another rout, Australia II showed its potential, taking the third race by more than three minutes. Liberty promptly shook off that punch and landed another haymaker, winning race four. Though the margin of victory was less than a minute, it meant that Liberty just had to win one of the next three races to extend the streak. In the face of mounting history and odds and with no margin for error, Australia II dominated the next two races to force a decisive seventh showdown. In easily the closest race of the cup, Liberty fought off an early challenge and took what appeared to be an insurmountable lead with two laps to go. But Conner failed to cover Australia II (meaning blocking access to good wind), allowing the challenger to get back into the race and eventually take the lead. Conner then engaged in a series of “tacks,” trying to break Australia II‘s cover. But Bertrand was able to fight off Liberty‘s attempts and Australia II was able to sail away to complete the comeback and cross the finish line first. For the first time in 132 years, the America’s Cup was no longer the property of the NYYC and the longest streak in sports history was broken.

The reaction was massive. The final race was televised live in Australia and then-Prime Minister Bob Hawke was quoted as saying, “any boss who sacks a worker for not turning up today is a bum.” On the other hand, U.S. sailing entered its greatest period of shame, with Conner taking the loss particularly hard. As for the rest of the world, the NYYC’s defeat represented the beginning of an era of opportunity: the immovable object was no longer there. Interest in sailing sparked all over the globe, thanks to the extensive coverage and the scale of the result. Every country that could build a boat felt like they could bring home the America’s Cup. Unfortunately for them, there was one country more motivated than the rest.

That was the U.S., which wasn’t so eager to part with the America’s Cup after 132 years of ownership. Conner himself was particularly interested in redemption, forming his own syndicate to build a new challenger on behalf of the San Diego Yacht Club. That new boat, Stars & Stripes 87, went on to defeat the other challengers at the 1987 Louis Vuitton Cup (including the NYYC) and earn a place in the 1987 America’s Cup. Meanwhile, Pond’s group was beaten out as the RPYC’s representative by Kevin Parry and the Kookaburra III. Unfortunately for Australia, the Kookaburra III was no match for Stars and Stripes 87, which swept the first four races to bring the America’s Cup back to the U.S. after four long years. The saga of the 1983 and 1987 America’s Cups was portrayed in the 1992 film Wind, which has been hailed as the most accurate portrayal of sailing in all of media. Wind also happened to be a popular film with Dad, who I remember watching it a lot when I was growing up. Perhaps that, along with growing up in the Delta, inspired Dad’s love of boating and purchase of a catamaran.

Despite all of the hubbub and relief, the new U.S. title reign wouldn’t last nearly as long as the country’s previous one. The SDYC defended the America’s Cup twice before falling to a squad from New Zealand. It would be another 15 years before a U.S. yacht club even got another shot at the crown, with the next three America’s Cups being the first three to be completed without an American team. The U.S. no longer has a dominant hold on sailing.

For the most part, that’s been a good thing. More parity equals more interest, with the sport being able to be seen by more eyeballs around the world. This new era has also come at a time when those wealthy sponsors have gotten even money, allowing for better equipment and better sailing. That doesn’t mean the U.S. is no longer a major factor, or that the America’s Cup has failed to provide more exciting moments since then. The most recent American winner was the Golden Gate Yacht Club, which brought the title home in 2010. Their first defense was in 2013 against the Royal New Zealand Yacht Squadron in the Bay Area (I remember being in San Francisco a few weeks beforehand and seeing plenty of advertising for the America’s Cup). In an event that somehow was agreed to be a best-of-17 (first to nine wins), the GGYC fell behind 8-1 before winning the final eight races to complete what is the largest comeback in a sports series I’ve ever seen. 

The RNZYS’s pain would only last four years, claiming the America’s Cup in a rematch with the GGYC in 2017. They still hold the title today, and are set to defend it next month in Barcelona (I might just have to get a ticket for that). As for who will try to take the crown for their own, the Louis Vuitton Cup kicks off today. So if you have a chance to see a bunch of rich but (mostly) underpaid smart people compete to race on the water, give it a watch. You just might like it. Or not. Whatever floats your boat. 

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 PERFORMANCES AS SNL GUEST HOST BY NFL PLAYERS

Throughout the show’s nearly five-decade history, one key factor of each episode has been the guest host. It’s a partnership that sees the show connect with more parts of pop culture by having fans of that host tune in, while giving that host national TV exposure to grow their brand. Starting with the late George Carlin in the very first episode, dozens of actors, comedians, musicians, politicians and other pop culture figures have delivered monologues and acted in sketches, with some of them even performing by themselves or with the musical guest. 

Of course, professional athletes have also taken their swings at hosting SNL. Of the different types of host, athletes are usually given more room for error, due to acting not exactly being in their wheelhouse. That still hasn’t stopped about three dozen athletes/people associated with pro sports from shooting their shot in Studio 8H, though only a handful have been invited to return. Dwayne Johnson is the only athlete with membership in the vaunted “Five-Timers Club” (people who have hosted five or more times), though the majority of his fame has come after his active pro wrestling career wound down. Charles Barkley has hosted four times and will likely join The Rock in the Five-Timers Club this season, given that this is likely his final year on TV and the last year of Inside the NBA (I would be shocked if he doesn’t host). 

When it comes to football, no athlete/figure has been asked to host more than once. However, the NFL has been a part of SNL sketches and lore for decades, with (crucially) more than ten players being asked to host the show. Such hosting gigs stretch from just the second ever season of SNL to the 48th, which wrapped up last year. Some performances were not good. Most were “good” by pro athlete standards. But others were genuinely memorable and funny. Let’s go through them all, from the worst to the best the gridiron had to give to sketch comedy.

HONORABLE MENTION: CARL WEATHERS

As you remember from Trivia Night, Carl Weathers is a former LB for the Oakland Raiders. But that’s not why he’s famous — after retiring, he became an incredibly successful actor, best known as Apollo Creed in the Rocky film franchise. While Weathers did well (as expected) when he hosted the tenth episode of SNL‘s 13th season, I want to focus on hosts who were primarily football players and chosen for their athletic fame. After all, Weathers’ hosting gig was part of the promo tour for Action Jackson (and came on the heels of his famous role in Predator).

DISHONORABLE MENTION: O.J. SIMPSON

O.J. Simpson was the second ever athlete to host SNL, doing so in the 12th episode of the show’s third season. Objectively, his performance was fine — he delivered his monologue with a conehead prosthetic, did well in sketches, and even performed with musical guests Ashford and Simpson. At the time, Simpson was nearing the end of his playing career and was getting into acting/broadcasting. Decades later, it’s difficult to rank Simpson objectively in any aspect for obvious reasons. Here’s a compilation of O.J. Simpson jokes by the late Norm Macdonald.

10. DEION SANDERS (SEASON 20, EPISODE 13)

Sometimes, what seems like a perfect casting on paper flops in real life. For example, Deion Sanders (naturally charismatic and media-savvy) was a multi-sport pro athlete and had just won Super Bowl XXIX with the San Francisco 49ers when he was asked to host the 13th episode of SNL‘s 20th season. He should’ve killed it. However, under the bright lights of Studio 8H, “Prime Time” turned into a pumpkin. The general consensus was that Sanders took himself way too seriously and the comedic timing was off all night. It didn’t help that Sanders performed not one, but two songs from his not-well-received rap album, Prime Time. What makes that part of his hosting performance more unforgivable is that the actual musical guest that night was Bon Jovi. People who know way more about SNL than I do have ranked Sanders among the Top 10 worst hosts in the show’s nearly five-decade history. Hell, Keenan Thompson’s impression of Sanders on “Weekend Update” last season received way more praise than Sanders’ entire hosting gig.

9. ALEX KARRAS (SEASON 10, EPISODE 12)

Although Alex Karras is definitely more famous as an actor than a football player (his hosting opportunity came in the middle of his starring role in the hit sitcom Webster, rather than during his playing career), it’s not like he was just in the NFL for a cup of coffee. Karras is a HOFer for both pro and college football, one who just happened to be a fantastic actor as well. Still, even at the height of his popularity, SNL makes some interesting choices regarding the host of the 12th episode of its tenth season. In the opening sketch, Jim Belushi (as Hulk Hogans) openly wonders who Karras is when he finds out he’s hosting. Then during his monologue, Karras himself says he doesn’t know why he’s hosting, because his wife and friends agree he’s not funny. Not helping any of this is the fact that the musical guest is Tina goddamn Turner, who was not just more famous but also had a much better performance than Karras. In the end, Karras was adequate if not fairly unremarkable during his lone appearance on the show.

8. JOHN MADDEN (SEASON 7, EPISODE 10)

One of the few non-athletes from the sports world to host the show (and just the third football-related person to do so), the late John Madden seemed in his natural element during the tenth episode of SNL‘s seventh season. Madden, who was just a few years removed from his HOF coaching tenure with the Oakland Raiders and a few years into his legendary career in the TV booth, played a famous prank on SNL producer Dick Ebersol during rehearsal. Madden was solid during the show, especially during the memorable “Loser’s Locker Room” sketch (shoutout to Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo) and the recurring “Train Travel” gag with his story about leaving a player behind constantly being cut off. While I initially wanted to limit this list to strictly athletes, I wouldn’t have had enough names for a full Top 10 (thank you, O.J.) and Madden’s performance is definitely worthy of a spot. Plus, Madden’s random story about a player who dropped some money in the toilet might just be the funniest segment of the entire episode.

7. FRAN TARKENTON (SEASON 2, EPISODE 13)

Fran Tarkenton is the surprising answer to a trivia question: who was the first athlete to ever host SNL? Less than three weeks after Tarkenton’s Minnesota Vikings fell to John Madden’s Oakland Raiders in Super Bowl XI, Tarkenton was back in the national spotlight and apparently so nervous, he asked Bill Murray to be his comedy mentor for the week. To Tarkenton’s relief, his team in the cast and crew performed much better than his football team. The 13th episode of the show’s second season starts with “coach” John Belushi giving a locker room speech to Tarkenton and the rest of the cast, with the football theme continuing throughout the rest of the sketches. Tarkenton is subbed off for a “backup QB” in the monologue, Belushi makes some more cameos as the coach, and Tarkenton and Garrett Morris take part in a surprisingly good “Black Perspective sketch.” Tarkenton basically plays himself and is notably nervous at times, but doesn’t get in the way of the humor, being used as a vehicle by the rest of the cast.

6. J.J. WATT (SEASON 45, EPISODE 12)

Season 45 of SNL was cut short due to the pandemic, with the final three episodes being shot remotely. The 12th episode — the fourth-to-last before the pandemic halted everything — saw J.J. Watt break a nearly eight-year drought without NFL players as hosts. Before he began his final season with the Houston Texans, Watt had a chance to show off his comedic chops, having previously appeared in The League, New Girl, and Bad Moms. As a whole, Watt was good, although more critical voices centered on his slightly wooden acting (though the show certainly has seen worse). There are the run-of-the-mill jokes about nerds/jocks and a lot of the humor comes from the juxtaposition of the massive Watt against the rest of the normal-sized cast. The pre-taped Rudy parody, “Robbie,” is definitely the highlight of the episode, with “The Sex Talk,” “Madden 21,” and “Men’s Product” being other memorable sketches. While it’s clear that Watt has a long way to go as an actor, he’s clearly having fun and his enthusiasm is felt throughout.

5. JOE MONTANA/WALTER PAYTON (SEASON 12, EPISODE 9)

In an unusual move, SNL tried to take advantage of Super Bowl XXI being played the following day by having not one, but two football players host the ninth episode of its 12th season. Those two players: Joe Montana and Walter Payton (who had just finished the final season of his career). While the pair are two of the greatest players ever, their acting skills leave a bit to be desired. To be fair, Payton isn’t half bad. But Montana is responsible for three-and-a-half of the five most memorable moments on the night. In both the monologue and “The NFL Today,” Montana pokes fun at himself over being concussed by Jim Burt in that year’s playoffs. Dana Carvey has fun with both hosts in “Church Chat,” with Payton and Montana together for the only time until the goodnights. However, by far the best sketch of the show actually took advantage of Montana’s lack of charisma, with his Sincere Guy Stu making the segment genuinely hilarious (especially that last line, holy shit). I’d be remiss not to mention the sketch about Ks.

4. ELI MANNING (SEASON 37, EPISODE 20)

Five years after his older brother (more on him soon) hosted SNL, it was Eli Manning’s turn to be in the spotlight in Studio 8H. With high expectations, the youngest Manning didn’t let his family down, using his derpy, dorky personality to his advantage throughout the 20th episode of SNL‘s 37th season. Nowhere was that put to better use than having Manning’s character prove he wasn’t guilty of murder by being a dweeb on the stand. Of course, Manning had to take a shot at his older brother’s legendary sketch with his own “Little Brothers” version. Manning isn’t exactly going to win any acting awards, but he lets his personality shine through and acts fairly natural. In addition, several of Manning’s teammates (notably members of his offensive line) joined in on the fun. What helped throughout the episode is that SNL is shot in New York and Manning had just led the hometown Giants to their second Super Bowl win over the New England Patriots in the past five seasons, much to the chagrin of the next host on the list.

3. TOM BRADY (SEASON 30, EPISODE 17)

More proof Deion Sanders did a terrible job hosting SNL: the show didn’t ask another NFL player to host for another decade. Naturally, the one who broke the streak was Tom Brady (to the chagrin of Peyton Manning, Donovan McNabb, and Mrs. McNabb), fresh off a victorious effort in Super Bowl XXXIX. While Brady still really can’t play anyone but himself (and could do so even less back then), he was adaptable enough to make the material work. Fortunately for Brady, the writing staff knew exactly what to do with him. Take, for example, the iconic “Sexual Harassment and You” sketch (be handsome, be attractive, don’t be unattractive). You can tell the 17th episode of SNL‘s 30th season took place before the invention of the TB12 diet, because Brady is willingly holding a funnel cake in the funny “Touchdown at the Carnival” sketch, which sees literally everyone but Brady succeed at throwing a football. I genuinely laughed when I watched this sketch live as a kid. Damn you for being funny, Tom Brady.

2. TRAVIS KELCE (SEASON 48, EPISODE 14)

As much as it pains me to give Tom Brady credit for being funny, it hurts my soul to praise Travis Kelce’s performance as host of the 14th episode of SNL‘s 48th season. The most recent NFL player and overall pro athlete to host the show, Kelce had wanted to host the show for years. A post-show party crashing in 2021 and Kelce’s performance in Super Bowl LVII led to SNL pulling the trigger and inviting him to host. Kelce immediately turned heads with his portrayal of a dandy in the “American Girl Cafe” sketch, while the “Straight Male Friend,” “NFL Gives Back,” and “Abby the Ex-Girlfriend” sketches were also highlights. Unfortunately, Kelce’s well-received hosting job led to him being in literally every other commercial during NFL games. But it was the “Please Don’t Destroy – Self-Defense” sketch that did something even worse. Apparently, Taylor Swift saw that sketch and thought that Kelce was funny, leading to their eventual relationship and the takeover of the NFL and larger sports world by the legions of Swifties. Fuck this sketch.

1. PEYTON MANNING (SEASON 32, EPISODE 16)

Before he hosted the 16th episode of SNL‘s 32nd season, Peyton Manning was known as a great QB who appeared in a fuckload of commercials. Then, fresh off the Indianapolis Colts’ victory in Super Bowl XLI (and on his 31st birthday), Manning gave the world a present in the form of one of the greatest comedic performances by a pro athlete in history. The “Porch Talk,” “Mercedes 550,” and “NCAA Tournament Pool Party” sketches are all good, the “Party Pooper” sketch saw the debut of Kirsten Wiig’s “Penelope” character, and the “Locker Room Motivation” sketch is criminally underrated (and may have genuinely inspired Jason Sudeikis to create the “Ted Lasso” character). But of course, the highlight of the episode is the famous “United Way” sketch, which is genuinely among the pantheon of funniest sketches SNL has ever done (by completely subverting Manning’s public perception). This sketch catapulted Manning into the uppermost tier of funniest pro athletes ever and easily cements him at the top of this list.

A FAREWELL TO THE GOATS

In 2003, the BBC decided to shake up the lineup of the revived car TV show Top Gear by replacing presenter Jason Dawe with motoring journalist James May, who would host the show along with Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond starting in the show’s second season. There’s no way the network could have realized it at the time, but the trio of Clarkson, Hammond, and May would go down in history as arguably the greatest, funniest, most beloved set of hosts in the history of television, which is not an exaggeration. 

From the start of Season 2 through the trio’s departure of Top Gear (under controversial circumstances) and the formation of The Grand Tour on Amazon Prime Video, Clarkson, Hammond, and May have captivated audiences, created countless moments of laughter, and presented some of the most interesting bits of TV, all by acting like three idiot friends screwing round and driving cars. Most of that is because they weren’t acting: these three were (and still are) fierce friends who had lightning-in-a-bottle type on-camera chemistry and a genuine passion for (and impressive knowledge of) automobiles. That unique blend made Top Gear and The Grand Tour not just appealing to car enthusiasts, but the general public. 

It’s how I, someone who is somewhat knowledgeable about cars but never really developed a passion for them outside of playing Hot Wheels as a kid, stumbled upon this clip of Clarkson rolling a Reliant Robin while in college, went down a rabbit hole of Top Gear clips, and ended up religiously watching the trio’s work for nearly half of my life. I’ve already made a newsletter themed around the trio and their shows, so I don’t want to repeat too much of what I already said then. But it speaks volumes that Top Gear and The Grand Tour remained tied for my favorite TV show ever, largely in part due to the trio’s fantastic partnership.

Sadly, after more than two decades of immaculate work, that partnership is over. We knew it couldn’t last forever. We knew all three hosts (especially Clarkson and May) were getting old and couldn’t do the tough schedule they were used to. We knew that each member had started and were actively involved in other passion projects — Clarkson began Clarkson’s Farm (and is hosting the British version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?), Hammond has been hosting Richard Hammond’s Workshop and involved in various online projects, and May has his own side gig in James May: Our Man in… and a strong online presence as well, while also starting up his own pub and gin company. It had already been several years since The Grand Tour has ceased its Top Gear-esque episodic format, presenting only “specials” in which the trio went on road trips all over the world, each in their own specific car. 

But then news broke last year that the trio had finished wrapping up a project in Zimbabwe, one that would be the last they would ever do together. After a year of anticipation, dread, and going through the five stages of grief, it was finally time to watch The Grand Tour‘s final special, “One for the Road,” which was released nearly two weeks ago. 

For a special that had the herculean task of wrapping up a beloved 22-year partnership that had seen its hosts do everything damn near everywhere in the world (including the North Pole), “One for the Road” did a hell of a job. It shows the typical ups and downs of a road trip involving the trio, who are each driving cars they’ve always wanted to own (and May’s car, for once, does not mess up at all). But as they drive through the absolute picturesque scenes in Zimbabwe, they also take time to reflect on their careers and incredible alliance, with everyone knowing going in that this would be last time. With emotions already at the forefront, the trio then throw a sentimental gut punch, revealing that the final destination isn’t in Zimbabwe, but rather the neighboring Botswana, the location of their first ever special for Top Gear as a trio back in 2007. 

I was already on the verge of tears when the crew began their final day of the trip, ready to cross the Makgadikgadi Pan to Kubu Island one more time. But then a certain song started playing (which made me exclaim, “oh, you motherfuckers,” despite it being the absolute perfect choice), footage from the 2007 special was spliced in with that of the new expedition (showing just how long they had been together despite all that’s changed), Clarkson disconnected his mic instead of doing the traditional signoff, the trio drove off in three separate directions, and then I figured someone must’ve planted a goddamn onion field in my room and decided to cut them all at once.

Now we’re in the post-Clarkson/Hammond/May era and I don’t know how to feel. While I still plan to watch the individual work of the trio (who are each great on their own), there’s nothing like the magic they can make together. That magic has now officially run dry. It sounds cliche, but I’m truly trying to keep the saying, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened” in mind. Still, last weekend I finally watched an old Top Gear episode for the first time since “One for the Road,” and I damn near lost it again. It feels like you’re losing three of your best friends, because that’s what they felt like to each other and to the audience. But I do know that I’m incredibly grateful for what they’ve done. 

On the 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% change that anyone affiliated with the trio read this, I’d just like to say thank you for 22 years of laughs, entertainment, and incredible programming. The end of this chapter may hurt, but that’s because it was so great and the trio were the best thing on television. Best of luck in the next chapter for each of you. In the end, you were always ambitious, but never rubbish.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

QUEEN’S GAMBIT (3-0) VS. THE ANTARCTICANS (2-1)

Thanks to earlier victories from both Queen’s Gambit and the Antarcticans, there will either be a Ewing sweep or Dominguez sweep this weekend. It’ll probably be the latter, given that my team is coming off a dogshit week and the only guys who did well for me (namely Lamar Jackson) are in tough matchups this week. Meantime, Aly might genuinely have the best team in the league, led by Josh Allen in Fire God form and Saquon Barkley living up to the hype. The Bills-Ravens game will not only divide the Ewing household, but likely determine if I have a chance here.

WELL DAMN (3-0) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (1-2)

Last year, Well Damn largely dominated the regular season on the way to a berth in the Epic Bowl. This year, we may be on the same road, with Chriss taking advantage of my fuck up to leap into first place. Meanwhile, Three Eyed Ravens have only scored about a dozen fewer points than their opponents, but Ewing is sitting at 1-2 thanks to an early schedule against some high-scoring teams. That scoring looks like it will continue this week and could keep Ewing in stride with Chriss’ expected output. This could be the closest (and most fun) matchup this week.

CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (3-0) VS. HAWK TUA (1-2)

While Aly and Chriss have been here before, Arik seems to be the odd man out in the unbeaten club. But while Channel 4 News Team may seem like the right-most head in the three-headed dragon meme, there’s a reason they still haven’t lost. Speaking of teams that have been underestimated, the apparent death of Hawk Tua has been greatly exaggerated. Much like the Minnesota Vikings, Nick has survived a major injury to his QB thanks to the tremendous play of Sam Darnold. Darnold (Nick) and Jordan Love (Arik) may face off, which should be impactful.

VELVET THUNDER (1-2) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (1-2)

After they dropped their first two games of the season, Velvet Thunder and Footballdamus each got in the win column last week and could get to .500, at the other’s expense. Between injuries and inconsistencies, Emilio’s roster has been as stable as his decisions for starting QB. Will he go with Caleb Williams or Derek Carr? Regardless of who he picks, bet heavily on the other. As for Riaz, despite having some star players in JAred Goff and Kyren Williams, his roster has yet to play one great game together. If they can get it together, it could be bad news for Emilio.

MAYBE NEXT YEAR (1-2) VS. BONE 2 BONE (0-3)

In case you’re wondering what happened to “Sonrise,” Yahoo!’s AI-generated matchup recap basically shat on Kyle and said that he should literally change his team name to “Maybe Next Year.” So that’s exactly what he did. But as for the actual aspect of waiting until next year, Kyle might want to put that off until then, given his opponent. Bone 2 Bone has had some bad luck to start the season and is just one of two teams yet to taste victory. Dad has a strong team despite that record, but can’t take too many losses, or the hole may be too big to get out of.

HOG WILD (2-1) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-3)

How in the hell are you winless despite having Pat Mahomes on your roster? That’s a question only the Krispy Kritters can answer. The pieces of a good team (Mahomes, Aaron Jones, Josh Jacobs) are there for Richard, but they are far away from coming together as a whole. That would be pretty convenient this week, with Richard facing the third-highest scoring team in the league. Hog Wild looks like they will be able to put up another hefty amount of points this week. But that doesn’t mean it’ll happen. Trust me, Jimmy — don’t take any high-scoring for granted.

ONE LAST THING

Being commissioner of this league can sometimes be described as not getting paid to do increasingly more things while getting diminishing returns, especially from the people who are demanding those more things. Everyone demands a newsletter, barely anyone reads it. I get asked to organize something fun to determine draft order, barely half of you commit to showing up. I have multiple nice trophies made to honor both first and last place, those who win them (or don’t have to have them anymore) give so little of a shit that they stay in old hands for years.

Now we’ve got everyone and their mother wanting a last place punishment. At the very least, everyone who attended the draft (there were seven of us) told me they wanted one in person. Others have mentioned their interest to me separately. So, when I announce that we’re finally doing one and ask for everyone to submit suggestions so we can vote on one we all like, guess how many submissions I got?

Four. One of them was an example that I specifically cited as the benchmark of “lame” that I wanted us to surpass. 

You fuckers want to enjoy all of the spoils but don’t want to do any work. I’m the commissioner of a league filled with literal children.

Anyway, here are the official submissions for our last place punishment this year. If you don’t like the options and want something else, too bad. I gave you a deadline and you missed it. Deal with it.

• The 2x4x6x8 Challenge: in two hours, consume either two, four, six, or eight of the following: donuts, slices of pizza, beers, and miles (on a treadmill or track). If you can’t get it done in two hours, you must add one to each uncompleted section and then finish whenever you can (in the same sitting)
• The 24-Hour Road Trip Challenge: you must drive for 24 straight hours, only able to stop (for any non-breakdown reasons) at gas stations. For every new county you enter, you get an hour knocked off your time (each county only counts once). If you have a small child and bring them with you the entire time, you only have to do 20 hours
• The License Plate: for the entire 2025 playoffs and offseason, you must display a license plate frame that says something along the lines of “I suck at fantasy football.” This was the example I mentioned earlier. Horses to water, and all that…
• The Beer Mile: in 20 minutes, you must consume four beers and run four laps around a track. You cannot run and drink at the same time, ideally drinking a beer each time you reach the start/end of a lap. If you cannot go 4/4 in 20 minutes, you must both run another lap and drink another beer before you finish
• The Eggnog Mile: same thing as above, except substituting beer with eggnog and there is no time limit. However, if you throw up, you must run another lap

You had three weeks to submit ideas, and this is what we got. Now, let’s try this again, except cut off a week. I leave the country in a little over two weeks and there will be another newsletter before then. You have until then to let me know which option you prefer. If it comes down to it, I will hunt you down to get your vote. The vote will also be primary/general style. If one option gets the majority of the vote (at least seven votes), then it’s automatically the winner. If not, then the top two options will move on, and we will vote again. 

It’s tough to be more of a shitshow than actual elections, but I’ve got a feeling we’ll top it.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness