Ruben's Writings

I was ready. I had everything set to go. Almost every section of the newsletter was written — I just had to finish a couple of paragraphs and do some picture editing. After some initial struggle, I had even thought of a theme. I hadn’t really gone into depth about my promotion at FOX40 and new job title: senior producer. In addition, while overseas I had made an unfortunate discovery: a second gray hair has taken root on my face. I am now officially in my “gray hairs” era. A theme of “senior” had naturally formed, with plenty of jokes about getting older/gray about to be made. I had even come up with a classic, punny title: “Senioritis.” All I had to do was put on some polish and the latest newsletter would be ready to go.

Then, less than 24 hours before I hit “send” (and therefore less than 24 hours ago), I got a text message from one of you. The message teased something I could not ignore: actual content for the newsletter provided by someone other than me. I could only think of one (maybe two) times someone had ever given me a topic idea. But straight up giving me content? This had never happened. When I asked what that content could be, I was sent a press release (embargoed until today), something that appealed to me personally and professionally. 

So, rather than do what I do at my job and write my own script based on a press release, I’m instead going to copy and paste exactly what was sent to me. 

Behold: the first ever original newsletter content written by someone other than me…

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Kyle Smith and Allison Romero Announce Their Engagement

Campbell, CA – November 21 2024 – Freshly recovered from the jetlag of their most recent trip, Kyle Smith and Allison Romero are thrilled to announce their engagement. After 4.5 years of building a life full of love, laughter, and a whole lot of adventure, the couple finally announced to the public what they’ve both known from the start, that they’re going to spend forever together.

“From the very beginning, there’s never been anyone else for me.” said Kyle. “This doesn’t feel like a ‘next chapter’, it feels like the natural evolution of what we’ve worked to build. We aren’t checking a box on a list of life activities, we’re doing what feels right to us, and we’re excited to celebrate the love we have with others.”

The proposal took place on November 4th at the Fushimi Inari Shrine in Kyoto, Japan. Allison was completely surprised, as Kyle popped the question during a spontaneous photoshoot that Allison and her coworker had suggested. The couple has been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support from friends and family since sharing their news.

Allison added, “5 years ago when we first reconnected I never would’ve guessed this is how it would all play out, but now I wouldn’t want anything else.”

The couple has no date for the wedding as of yet, nor any plans, stating “idk we gotta finish telling everybody first before we can even start thinking about all that”.

For more information or media inquiries, please contact Kyle Smith.

Wow. That feels good — work that I didn’t have to do.

Also, HOLY FUCK! Congrats to Kyle and Alli! Y’all are awesome people and even more awesome together, and it was just a matter of time before you decided to make your inevitable future together official. Excellent choice for a proposal location, by the way — a picture I took from that shrine has been my laptop background for nearly a decade. Let us all know when the date becomes set! Hopefully there will be enough seats for everyone to attend, given that your bird armada will take up plenty of space at the ceremony. Also, I love how the newsletter has become the platform for major life announcements from people in the league. 

Now, this isn’t the first time the completion of a newsletter has been altered by an engagement announcement. If you recall, Ewing and Aly’s engagement inadvertently sprouted what may have been the best newsletter and funniest segment I’ve ever written. Interestingly, Kyle is now on track to follow Ewing and Nick and complete the Top 3 actually getting married. Just FYI, Jimmy and Chriss were next up on that list, so get moving, fellas! 

Anyway, screw senioritis. It’s time to celebrate and revisit that theme from three years ago. You know, I’m remembering what Ewing did after he got engaged…

Oh no. Kyle’s gonna win the league! He’s got the engagement superpowers now! It was both love and strategy! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

MAYBE NEXT YEAR (7-4) DEF. QUEEN’S GAMBIT (6-5)

136.04 – 135.88

Holy shit lol what the fuck did we just see? This might’ve been the matchup of the year, with plenty of twists and turns and arguably the comeback of the year. It also featured two notable  lineup exclusions, with both Maybe Next Year (Jared Goff – 34 points) and Queen’s Gambit (Jerry Jeudy – 20 points) leaving even more points on the board. But those were the only weapons who didn’t get to shine, as Kyle and Aly both emptied their barrels. It didn’t seem that this would be too competitive, with Saquon Barkley (31 points) getting much more for Aly than Jalen Hurts and DeVonta Smith did for Kyle combined. But then the rest of Kyle’s lineup (outside of Ricky Pearsall and T.J. Hockenson) started to go off, with Breece Hall (24 points), Chris Boswell (24 points), and Puca Nacua (18 points) leading the pack. However, a pair of late-game TDs from Josh Allen (24 points) and Jonnu Smith (22 points) gave Aly a seemingly insurmountable lead of just under 19 points going into Monday. The Texans defense got Kyle exactly 19 points. In-fucking-credible.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (6-5) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (5-6)

78.86 – 74.88

If the previous matchup was Katie Taylor vs. Amanda Serrano (who got fucking robbed, by the way), then this one was Jake Paul vs. Mike Tyson (or even more accurately, that shot of Tyson’s ass before the fight). Given that these were the two closest matchups of the week, this is the duality of fantasy football in a nutshell. If it feels like I’m stalling a little bit, it’s because there’s not much to talk about here. Both Footballdamus and Three Eyed Ravens each had just three players surpass the double-digit mark, leaving a lot to be desired. Derek Henry just about reached that mark, unlike guys like A.J. Brown, Calvin Ridley, Darnell Mooney, Jalen Waddle, Kyren Williams, Austin Ekeler, Kyle Pitts, and Mark Andrews. Despite all of this, there was still drama at the end. Ewing just needed C.J. Stroud to meet his projection in order to win, but he couldn’t even get that, meaning Riaz got the win despite failing to break the 80-point plateau. At least Ewing gets the consolation prize of scoring just enough to avoid the drinking punishment.

THE ANTARCTICANS (7-4) DEF. WELL DAMN (8-3)

102.28 – 96.32

The third of three matchups to be decided by fewer than ten points this past week, this one was somehow the most normal, despite everything I’m about to say. Derek Carr (Well Damn) out-performed Lamar Jackson (The Antarcticans). Tee Higgins outscored Ja’Marr Chase despite the latter scoring one more TD than the former. Hunter Henry outscored Travis Kelce, Tyler Lockett, and Jake Ferguson (who to be fair got concussed) combined. Fred Warner was my lowest scorer and I decided at the last minute to replace Jameson Williams (18 points) with Alexander Mattison (much less than that). Is this the kind of thing that’s supposed to happen when the 1st and 2nd place teams face off? Regardless, it came down to Monday, with my chances of making up a notable deficit increased by Chriss being hampered with Ferguson’s injury. That allowed CeeDee Lamb and Ka’imi Fairbairn to do just enough to each finish in double digits, good enough to get me a win that I both should’ve gotten easier yet at the end of the day was lucky to earn. 

VELVET THUNDER (6-5) DEF. WILD HOG (6-5)

113.88 – 99.76

When I saw that Taysom Hill of all people had a career day, I, like many of you, looked up who (if anyone) had him rostered. When I saw he was on Wild Hogs, I thought that guaranteed a win. I then saw the score and thought, “how is Jimmy not winning?” The answer, as it was when De’Aaron Fox dropped 60 points in a recent Sacramento Kings loss, was that no one else on the team did anything. In fact, only Jayden Daniels and Christian McCaffrey even surpassed the double-digit mark. Terry McLaurin, Deebo Samuel, and the Saints defense were particularly disappointing, preventing Jimmy from even cracking the triple-digit mark. Honestly, as a whole, Velvet Thunder’s roster didn’t do much better, with the same amount of double-digit performers as their opponent. But while none of Emilio’s players could match Hill, two of them — Bo Nix (28 points) and Amon-Ra St. Brown (27 points) — got close. They and J.K. Dobbins (17 points) did enough to make Hill’s exceptional day irrelevant and give Emilio a surprisingly decisive win.

BONE 2 BONE (2-9) DEF. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (6-5)

124.04 – 106.60

Do my eyes deceive me — is Bone 2 Bone actually winning games? From multiple games back and seemingly secured into the last place punishment to breathing down the necks of several 30-somethings who thought they didn’t have to run a beer mile, Dad has suddenly made the race to not finish last an exciting one. Dad may not have gotten the services of the top scorer in this matchup — Channel 4 News Team got that luxury with Joe Mixon (33 points) — but he did get six of the next eight, allowing him to easily withstand Mixon’s late rush on Monday. Joe Burrow (29 points) actually got to be part of a winning team (more on that later), while De’Von Achane (16 points), D’Andre Swift (14 points), and James Cook (14 points) provided a potent ground attack. Only John Downs (14 points) and the Broncos defense (13 points) could provide Arik with other firepower, with the likes of Justin Jefferson, Bijan Robinson, and Jake Moody having subpar performances. With Dad winning two out of his last three, 11th place had better watch out.

HAWK TUA (4-7) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-8)

102.54 – 73.75

That 11th place team is the Krispy Kritters, who got thrown down in the standings by Hawk Tua with the same force that Aaron Rodgers throws other people on the Jets under the bus. Richard has a problem — and his team has a major problem scoring. Things haven’t exactly gone well and they’re already getting worse, with Richard finishing with his lowest scoring total of the season so far. Only Josh Jacobs (19 points) and Pat Mahomes (17 points) gave Richard double-digit points, with the likes of Aaron Jones, DeAndre Hopkins, Tony Pollard, and the Chiefs defense putting up just barely more points than the average Cowboy at this point. All of this cleared the way for Nick to pick up a much-needed win, even if Garrett Wilson, Zaire Franklin, and the Falcons defense combined for about two points. Thankfully for Nick, Sam Darnold (23 points) got his head out of his ass, while David Montgomery (21 points), Brock Bowers (18 points), Cameron Dicker (13 points), and Jackson Smith-Njigba (12 points) were able to beat Richard on their own.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. Well Damn (8-3)
2. The Antarcticans (7-4)
3. Maybe Next Year (7-4)
4. Queen’s Gambit (6-5)
5. Channel 4 News Team (6-5)
6. Hog Wild (6-5)
7. Velvet Thunder (6-5)
8. Footballdamus (6-5)
9. Three Eyed Ravens (5-6)
10. Hawk Tua (4-7)
11. The Krispy Kritters (3-8)
12. Bone 2 Bone (2-9)

JOUST FOR THE JERSEY:

1. The Antarcticans (1214.94)
2. Queen’s Gambit (1200.30)
3. Well Damn (1195.18)
4. Maybe Next Year (1161.58)
5. Channel 4 News Team (1149.04)
6. Hog Wild (1142.52)
7. Hawk Tua (1140.70)
8. Velvet Thunder (1119.06)
9. Footballdamus (1116.34)
10. Bone 2 Bone (1111.20)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (1051.82)
12. The Krispy Kritters (947.30)

DRINK PUNISHMENT TRACKER:

1. Ruben (132.52) –> Emilio (65.62) [two glasses of Croft Purple Velvet wine]
2. Kyle (151.02) –> Richard (68.34) & Riaz (69.08) [two shots of tequila]
3. Nick (151.96) –> Ruben (64.68) [two cans of Guinness]
4. Jimmy (131.62) –> Aly (73.80)** & Richard (74.50) [Device Curious Haze]*
5. Ruben (141.72) –> Jimmy (87.42) [Liquid Gravity Miami Heist Hazy]*** & Arik (87.46) [Voodoo Ranger Atomic Pumpkin]
6. Arik (145.32) –> Chriss (54.12) [two BuzzBallz of Chriss’ choosing]****
7. Aly (151.22) –> Jimmy (63.04) [two vodka seltzers of Jimmy’s choosing]*****
8. Ruben (138.16) –> Ewing (82.40) [Smirnoff Ice]******
9. Arik (127.88) –> Chriss (83.62) [Golden Road Brewing Big Hazy Wolf Double IPA] & Richard (84.54) [Figueroa Mountain Lizard’s Mouth Imperial IPA]
10. Chriss (145.90) –> Emilio (75.90) [Stone Fear.Movie.Lions Hazy Double IPA]
11. Kyle (136.04) –> Richard (74.88) [Eggnog BuzzBallz]

* Aly was given the option to drink a buzz ball, due to not having access to Curious Haze

** Ewing also drank a buzz ball because yolo

*** Jimmy couldn’t find Miami Heist Hazy, so he also drank Atomic Pumpkin

**** Chriss chose Tequila Rita

***** Jimmy chose High Noon

****** Had to be consumed as if Ewing was “iced”

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: If we’re talking about individual players, this has to go to Taysom Hill, whose 34 points this past week were nearly as much as the rest of the season combined. If we’re talking about whole teams, this has to go to Dad’s roster. When he needed to win to keep his hopes of not finishing last alive, his guys actually pulled their weight and put up their highest-scoring week of the year.

WORST: While I won’t say that C.J. Stroud is declining and contributing to a highly-talked about trend (more on that later), he’s definitely gotten worse this year. Case in point: only getting 11 points against a dead Cowboys. That wasn’t enough for Ewing to surpass an easily beatable Riaz, instead suffering another loss in a disappointing year and falling outside the playoff hunt.

TRANSACTION

BEST: Both Riaz and Kyle get this honor for, of all things, adding Ks. Riaz added Jake Bates in favor of Ray Davis, with Bates’ 12 points being enough to earn him the narrow win. But Kyle went even further by adding Chris Boswell. Kyle didn’t know it at the time, but he needed the highest-scoring K of the week. That just happened to be Boswell, whose 24 points were entirely needed.

ALSO BEST: Not to completely blow Kyle here, but he did something else that’s worthy of this honor (plus, there wasn’t really a bad “transaction” this week). That move was dropping the Chargers defense in favor of that of the Texans, whose 19 points were just enough to make the Monday night comeback. If it wasn’t possible for Aly to feel worse about that loss, here you go.

LINEUP DECISION

BAD: Arik made two decisions that had a huge impact on his lineup. First, he added the Broncos defense in exchange Diontae Johnson, with Denver getting him 13 points. That was good. But then he added and started Russell Wilson, who failed to crack double-digits. Jordan Love, meanwhile, was left on the bench, his 21 points gone to waste. That was not good — bad, even.

WORST: Even though I got the win, it shouldn’t have been as nail-biting as it was. In the wee hours of Sunday morning, I added Tee Higgins into the lineup, which was good. But I also moved Jameson Williams onto the bench, wasting his 18 points in favor of Alexander Mattison (who scored much less). The 12-point swing might’ve cost me if Chriss hadn’t gotten bad injury luck.

LUCK

BEST: I don’t know — do I give this one to Kyle for scoring the most points of the week (the only way he could’ve won) by pulling a miracle comeback out of his ass, or do I give it to Riaz for securing a much-needed win despite scoring the third-fewest points of the week against an opponent who just needed an average day from the reigning OROY to win? Let’s do both.

WORST: Yeah, no fucking doubt here. A 31-point burger from Saquon Barkley, a career day from Jonnu Smith, and an overall 135-point day results in a nearly 20-point lead where her opponent only has his defense remaining. Somehow, despite all of that, Aly gets handed the L. It’s no wonder she began venting in the group chat the second the final whistle blew on Monday night.

TRADE TIME… WAIT WHAT?

This year’s trade deadline has officially come and gone, which means it’s time to look at all of the mutual transactions and give my initial opinion on them. That opinion, of course, will probably change once I re-review them at the end of the season, once we know their full impact.

Anyway, without further ado, let’s look at our first trade…

………..

……………

……………

………….

……what do you mean, there were no trades this year?

………….

THERE WERE NO TRADES THIS YEAR?!?!?!?!?

For the first time in Epic League history, a fantasy football season has gone by without one single trade between two teams. I never thought I’d see the day…

Do I literally, actually have to remind you all about the trade deadline? Did everyone just straight up forget or be lazy? Was everyone just so confident in their drafting/waiver wire ability that they decided to stick with what they had? That last one is highly unlikely, so which is it? I’m betting on the laziness excuse. You shouldn’t need me to remind you — there’s been a bright red announcement on the top of the league home page for like two weeks. 

Welp… this is a little awkward. I need a distraction. Quick, let’s talk about the Raiders.

MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT

Well, at least Brock Bowers looks to be a generational talent.

(drinks)

I mean, what’s the point of even going through these games in detailed analysis? The Raiders suck, and the reasons for it haven’t changed and won’t until at least the off-season. All we can do is wait for all of this to be over, embrace the tank, and wallow in self-pity as the likely only member of the AFC West to not make the playoffs (while praying the one of the other three don’t win it all). Oh yeah, and drink.

(continues drinking)

You know, as I beg that my favorite football team sucks enough to be able to draft its next franchise QB, there’s a troubling discussion point popping up when it comes to young signal-callers. I guess I can write about that…

IS THERE A YOUNG QB PROBLEM?

QB has undisputedly become the most important position in sports. Except for a handful of instances, you need at worst a good QB in order to win the Super Bowl. While a good QB can’t drag a whole bad team to the big game, it takes a lot more effort and luck to form a good enough team to go to the big game without a good QB. Thus, when it comes to the draft, QB prospects have become more valuable than ever. In the past ten years, four drafts have seen more than three QBs taken in the first round, compared to just two with two or fewer. In theory then, the draft should be a somewhat reliable way for teams to get their new franchise QB.

So what’s the problem? Well, that last part of the previous paragraph is only true if those prospects actually, you know, develop. Like with any other position, QBs don’t have a 100% success rate in the NFL, or else drafting would be incredibly easy. Sometimes, the best QB in the draft isn’t taken until well after the 1st round. Sometimes, there are no NFL-ready QBs at all. While we don’t really know how well these players will do until they take the field, things like their performance in college or physical abilities can give you a better idea. Sometimes, you just know that one guy will absolutely kill it, while one guy will absolutely suck. The thing is, that’s not always how it goes. Sometimes, can’t-miss prospects turn out to be huge busts in the pros, or at least fail to live up to expectations. 

Now, none of this is exactly new or a revelation. However, young QBs have been placed under the microscope even more in recent years, especially since their overall performances haven’t lived up to those from QBs that came before them. QBs drafted early recently have largely stumbled out of the gate or regressed from promising form. This dip in quality comes as the old guard of NFL QBs — Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, Drew Brees, Matt Ryan, Philip Rivers, Eli Manning, Aaron Rodgers, etc. — have either retired or should probably retire. That previous generation brought what many have called the Golden Age of QB play, sparking an offensive revolution that shifted the way the game is played. Perhaps it’s no surprise that as we enter a dip in QB play, we’re also seeing a RB Renaissance of sorts. 

But is this really the case? Do we really have this humongous drop-off in QB play, and if so, what’s causing it? Before we get into the specifics of the problem, we need to know if there is one in the first place. For some perspective, let’s look back at each NFL draft over the past 25 years, as most of those “Golden Age” QBs entered the league, and see how many QBs were taken in the 1st round and whether or not they (or any QB in that draft) did well in the NFL.

Going into the new millennium, it had been quite a while since the last NFL draft where multiple great QBs were taken in the same draft (1983). In fact, over the prior decade, there were exactly four QBs (Brett Favre, Steve McNair, Peyton Manning, Donovan McNabb) that can unanimously be described as “good,” and one of those was drafted in the 3rd round. In fact, the only draft since that legendary 1983 class where more than two QBs were even drafted in the 1st round was 1999, when a whopping five were taken in the first 12 picks. But that didn’t quite signal the start of the QB revolution. Of those five, only one (McNabb) was truly worth it, only one other (Daunte Culpepper) showed true promise, and none brought their teams a Lombardi Trophy. Let’s see how long it takes for things to change.

2000-04

QBs taken in the 1st Round: 13

Chad Pennington (2000-18), Michael Vick (2001-1), David Carr (2002-1), Joey Harrington (2002-3), Patrick Ramsey (2002-32), Carson Palmer (2003-1), Byron Leftwich (2003-7), Kyle Boller (2003-19), Rex Grossman (2003-22), Eli Manning (2004-1), Philip Rivers (2004-4), Ben Roethlisberger (2004-11), J.P. Losman (2004-22)

The first draft of the 2000’s may have seen the current QB GOAT selected, but putting the fate of your franchise in the hands of your 6th round draft pick isn’t exactly sound strategy. Apart from Tom Brady, the only other pre-2004 QBs that got to greatness were Michael Vick and Drew Brees, the latter taken with the first pick of the 2nd round, so he doesn’t count. Carson Palmer was Pro Bowl caliber, but everyone else had a ceiling of “decent,” an average of “dogshit,” and a floor of “who?”. Pre-2004, you can count two, perhaps three hits and six swings and misses. But this time period’s record is saved by 2004, which when it comes to the modern turn to QBs is basically Genesis. Eli Manning, Philip Rivers, and Ben Roethlisberger combined for four Super Bowl titles, 18 Pro Bowls, 1,205 passing TDs, 184,551 passing yards, and (probably) three busts in Canton. Hell, even J.P. Losman (the Darko Milicic of his class) can blame a broken leg and playing for the 2000s Buffalo Bills for his lack of development. So, of the 13 first round QBs, five/six were genuine hits (not counting the guy who was one pick off and the future GOAT), while the vast majority of the rest were quite big misses. It’s about a half/half rate.

2005-09

QBs taken in the 1st Round: 13

Alex Smith (2005-1), Aaron Rodgers (2005-24), Jason Campbell (2005-25), Vince Young (2006-3), Matt Leinart (2006-10), Jay Cutler (2006-11), JaMarcus Russell (2007-1), Brady Quinn (2007-22), Matt Ryan (2008-3), Joe Flacco (2008-18), Matt Stafford (2009-1), Mark Sanchez (2009-5), Josh Freeman (2009-17)

From one draft in 16 years 4+ QBs taken in the 1st round to four in six years. The revolution is in full swing. The success rate? Almost exactly the same as the previous five years. Even then, Alex Smith didn’t have anywhere close to the success he had until Jim Harbaugh arrived in Smith’s SEVENTH season in the NFL. There’s no way in hell any team would be that patient with any prospect. Even the shining prospect of this time period, Aaron Rodgers, sat for a while before getting regular playing time. Can you believe that had Green Bay not taken a risk by drafting him, Rodgers could’ve ended up in Washington? But after 2005, there’s a bit of a drought for the next two years, with the best being Jay Cutler and the worst, being arguably the biggest reason Raiders fans drink. We get a bounce back over the following two years, though Mark Sanchez and Josh Freeman also add to the shit pile. Of the 13 QBs in these five years, five/six were definitely hits (depending on how you feel about Cutler), Jason Campbell was underrated, the rest were awful when not carried by an elite defense, and one in particular can go fuck himself.

2010-14

QBs taken in the 1st Round: 14

Sam Bradford (2010-1), Tim Tebow (2010-25), Cam Newton (2011-1), Jake Locker (2011-8), Blaine Gabbert (2011-10), Christian Ponder (2011-12), Andrew Luck (2012-1), Robert Griffin III (2012-2), Ryan Tannehill (2012-8), Brandon Weeden (2012-22), E.J. Manuel (2013-16), Blake Bortles (2014-3), Johnny Manziel (2014-22), Teddy Bridgewater (2014-32)

So… is the QB revolution already over? After getting at least a hand’s worth of surefire hits/Super Bowl champs in each of the previous time periods, this five-year stretch has exactly the same amount of no-doubters (Cam Newton and Andrew Luck) as QBs who probably should’ve been hits but got injured to death (Robert Griffin III and Teddy Bridgewater) and Browns fuck-ups (Brandon Weeden and Johnny Manziel). There are other names like Sam Bradford, Ryan Tannehill, and Blake Bortles who had some success, but never sustained it for any notable amount of time. In fact, apart from Newton and Luck, the majority of this period’s notable QBs came after pick no. 32 — Andy Dalton, Russell Wilson, Nick Foles, Kirk Cousins, Derek Carr, and even Geno Smith and Jimmy Garoppolo. But none of those names contribute to the top prospect pool, which has now officially had a notable dip in production despite growing.

2015-19

QBs taken in the 1st Round: 16

Jameis Winston (2015-1), Marcus Mariota (2015-2), Jared Goff (2016-1), Carson Wentz (2016-2), Paxton Lynch (2016-26), Mitch Trubisky (2017-2), Pat Mahomes (2017-10), Deshaun Watson (2017-12), Baker Mayfield (2018-1), Sam Darnold (2018-3), Josh Allen (2018-7), Josh Rosen (2018-10), Lamar Jackson (2018-32), Kyler Murray (2019-1), Daniel Jones (2019-6), Dwayne Haskins (2019-15)Ah, there’s the majority of the current NFL elite QBs! Not only does this time period have the most 1st round QBs so far, but only one draft h

ad fewer than three QBs taken in the first 32 picks. That odd year was 2015, which I’m not sure continued the previous trend of underwhelming everyone. Both Jameis Winston and Marcus Mariota played at Pro Bowl/playoff levels, but still never truly hit the ceiling many had projected for them. The same can be said of Carson Wentz, who played an undeniably important role in getting the Philadelphia Eagles their first Super Bowl win. But he sucked after that and fell well behind Jared Goff, who is undergoing a renaissance in Detroit. 2017 starts what I believe to be the current trend when it comes to 1st round QBs — either amazing or shit, with little in-between. For argument’s sake, let’s throw Goff into the group of Pat Mahomes, Lamar Jackson, Josh Allen, Kyler Murray, and (yes) Baker Mayfield as surefire hits. You can add one or two for the combined efforts of Winston, Mariota, 2017 Wents and 2024 Sam Darnold (at least the first half, anyway). RIP Dwayne Haskins.

2020-24

QBs taken in the 1st Round: 19

Joe Burrow (2020-1), Tua Tagovailoa (2020-5), Justin Herbert (2020-6), Jordan Love (2020-26), Trevor Lawrence (2021-1), Zach Wilson (2021-2), Trey Lance (2021-3), Justin Fields (2021-11), Mac Jones (2021-15), Kenny Pickett (2022-20), Bryce Young (2023-1), C.J. Stroud (2023-2), Anthony Richardson (2023-4), Caleb Williams (2024-1), Jayden Daniels (2024-2), Drake Maye (2024-3), Michael Penix (2024-8), J.J. McCarthy (2024-11), Bo Nix (2024-12)

It’s the general rule to wait five years before you can truly judge whether a prospect is a hit or a bust. If that’s the case, only the 2020 draft class is eligible for true judgement, which is a good thing because it’s good. Joe Burrow is the truth, Tua Tagovailoa is good when not concussed, Justin Herbert is Philip Rivers’ true successor in ability and being let down by the Chargers, and Jordan Love is Brett Favre reincarnated (on-field, anyway). That’s four hits (not to mention 2nd rounder Jalen Hurts) right away. As for the rest, it’s early, but it’s murky. Trevor Lawrence has shown the most promise and had the most success of his class, but it’s TBD if his great regression is more due to himself or Doug Pederson. Everyone else is either proven shit or unproven shit. We knew the 2022 class would be dogshit, even though it somehow produced the best QB of the past four years in Mr. Irrelevant Brock Purdy. C.J. Stroud had a good rookie year but has had a bit of a regression, while Anthony Richardson has fallen off a cliff and Bryce Young is already fighting for his life. As for this year’s rookies, only Jayden Daniels and (goddamn it) Bo Nix look like they have the sauce. Caleb Williams and Drake Maye have shown promise, but need to improve more and have the team around them improve. McCarthy looked good before his injury, but did so against the Raiders in the preseason, so take that with a mine of salt. Fuck the Falcons for taking Michael Penix for some reason and not letting him fall to Las Vegas. It’s amid all of this uncertainty that we see the number of 1st round QBs rise to an all-time high, with three drafts having four-plus QBs in the first 32 picks, with 2024 seeing a record six QBs selected (within the first 12 picks no less). 

So, what can we see by looking at the statistics? First off, no matter how many QBs were taken in the first round in any given time period, the success rate appeared to be about the same — just under 50%. Sure, there were differences when we break it down on a per-year basis. But that’s also kind of a given — sometimes there are several good prospects, sometimes not. Sometimes multiple prospects turn out to be good, sometimes none. That’s the same with every position. Another observation can be viewed at the macro level, which shows that many of the patterns surrounding QBs being drafted are cyclical. Before 2003, there was a long period of maybe one or two QBs being drafted early, if any. Then the first of the “Golden Age” QBs arrived over a three-year stretch. Then, there was another gap of five-plus years with only one great QB (at most) being drafted every year or so. Then in 2017, another three/four-year stretch saw the crop of modern day elite QBs be drafted. Going by that cycle, it seems we’re either in the middle or end of another shallow stretch, with another rich talent pool coming soon (hopefully for the Raiders that will be next year).

So, what has changed? Volume, for one. This discussion has only become kind of a thing now because of the recent spike in QBs being drafted early. Even then, some of the QBs who were playing badly enough to warrant this discussion have already begun to turn it around. Perhaps the biggest reason for this increase is the overall change in the game of football, which has become more reliant on QBs than ever. Because of that, or maybe in addition to that, teams have been less and less patient with their prospects. For every Jordan Love that gets to sit a few years and develop, you have four Bryce Youngs or Caleb Williams’ — prospects thrown to the wolves on dogshit teams that have several roster and organizational problems. Granted, a GOAT-level QB can mask those other problems. But here’s something a lot of teams don’t seem to realize: not every QB is the next Tom Brady/Pat Mahomes. Hell, even they sat for a year or so before becoming the successes they are today.

Another aspect that’s been talked about when it comes to this QB “problem” is the lack of development at the college level, with coaches/programs catering to a players’ skill set instead of forcing them to become more well-rounded and develop other aspects of their game. To be honest, I don’t know enough about the inner workings of college football to really get into it. But one observation I will make is that while there may be some credence to that claim, it doesn’t just apply to QBs. Every single position (in particular defense) seems to be getting less disciplined and fundamentally sound. I don’t know — maybe years of Dad complaining that current DBs don’t know how to tackle have finally sunk in.

In the end, how should this impact the way we analyze and expect prospects like Cam Ward, Shedeur Sanders, and Jalen Milroe? Not really. There are two main reasons why. The first is everything I’ve written above in this section. The second is that the Raiders are going to be selecting early, and whichever one of these prospects is unlucky enough to be chosen by the Silver & Black will inevitably fail, because the Raiders suck at drafting in the 1st round and Raiders fans can never have anything nice.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 21, 2016, the NFL returned to the site of its first ever international regular season game. The league had begun to show interest in expanding its international profile three decades earlier, when it had started to hold preseason games overseas. It was a practice that lasted from 1986-2005, when the NFL decided to play its first ever regular season game outside of the U.S. That game (marketed as “Futbol Americano“) was held at Estadio Azteca in Mexico City and resulted in a 31-14 win by the Arizona Cardinals (chosen as hosts due to their poor attendance at Sun Devil Stadium) over the San Francisco 49ers. It was a huge success, drawing in a then-record crowd of 103,467 fans. As a result, the league established the “NFL International” series, which continues to this day. Almost all of these overseas games have taken place in Europe (mainly London), directly influenced by the shutdown of NFL Europe in 2007 (the year of the first London game). For about a decade, they kept returning to the London well, instead of going back to the site of the first international game. That changed in 2016, when the NFL announced that Mexico would become part of its official international series. As for the two teams who would take the field, the “home” team was another franchise struggling with its atual home, while the “visitors” were about as close to Mexico as you could get.

Going into the 2016 season, no one expected anything exciting out of a matchup between the Oakland Raiders and Houston Texans. The Texans were the definition of “mid,” having gone 9-7 in each of the past two seasons, making the playoffs in 2015. Houston boasted arguably the league’s best defense, an impressive feat given that franchise icon J.J. Watt was lost for the season in September. The offense, featuring DeAndre Hopkins but also Brock Osweiler, left something to be desired. Going into the international showdown, the Texans were 6-3 but had barely beaten a Jacksonville Jaguars squad that would finish 3-13. As for the Raiders, you don’t need me to tell you that they had been hot ass for the prior decade-plus, with 2002 being the last time they had finished with a winning record. 2015 had seen Oakland finish 7-9, but the Silver and Black showed promise with young stars like Derek Carr, Amari Cooper, and Khalil Mack. That promise would be met with unexpected fervor in 2016, which saw the offense light up the league and the defense make several opportunistic plays. Incredibly, the Raiders sat at 7-2 going into the Mexico City game, with one more win not only guaranteeing a season of at least .500 ball, but putting Oakland in the No. 1 spot in the AFC.

The game began with the rarest of all things: a controversial call that benefited the Raiders. On the Texans’ first drive, Osweiler found Hopkins for a 60-yard TD. However, Hopkins was (wrongly) ruled to have stepped out of bounds (which the Texans couldn’t challenge), negating the TD and forcing Houston to settle for a FG. After the teams traded three-and-outs, the Raiders got on the board on the first play of the second quarter, when Carr hit Jalen Richard for a 17-yard score. The Texans muffed the ensuing kickoff, giving the Raiders the ball in the red zone. But Oakland only got to the one-yard line and was forced to settle for a FG. Houston responded with a TD of its own, with a Braxton Miller grab tying things up at 10-10. Neither offense did anything for the rest of the half, but things changed when Carr’s first pass of the second half was picked off. A Lamar Miller TD run capped the Texans’ ensuing drive, and both offenses were suddenly awake. After the two teams traded FGs, Carr connected with Jamize Olawale for a 75-yard catch and run to tie things up at 20-20. Controversy reigned on Houston’s next drive, with Miller appearing to get enough to convert a 3rd and 2. The officials ruled him short, though Akeem Hunt appeared to cross the line on the ensuing 4th and 1 call. But once again, the officials ruled the Texans were short of the line to gain. Houston’s challenge was unsuccessful and the Raiders got the ball back on downs with just over six minutes left. It took just five plays to go 85 yards, the last 35 coming on a bomb from Carr to Cooper to give Oakland the lead. The Raiders defense forced a punt, while the offense was able to run out the clock and secure a wild, controversial, eventful 27-20 win in Mexico.

The following week, the Raiders defeated the Carolina Panthers 35-32 to clinch the franchise’s first winning season in 14 years. Carr would play like an MVP candidate and Mack would go on to win DOPY, as Oakland finished 12-4. However, because the Raiders can’t have nice things, Carr broke his right leg on Christmas Eve, losing him for the rest of the season. Oakland lost the regular season finale as a result, meaning that while they made the playoffs for the first time since 2002, the Raiders went from a potential AFC West title and a first round bye to a Wild Card position on a tiebreaker. That playoff game would be against… the Houston Texans, who once again finished 9-7 and won the AFC South. Without Carr, the Raiders had no real shot at winning the rematch, as Houston won 27-14 and ended Oakland’s best season in over a decade in heartbreaking fashion. Things weren’t that much better for the Texans, who were whalloped 34-16 by the eventual Super Bowl champion New England Patriots. Despite winning a playoff game, the Texans decided to move on from Osweiler, drafting a promising prospect named Deshaun Watson 12 overall. Despite a strong first few years, Watson’s time in Houston didn’t exactly have a happy ending. But it was better than what happened to the Raiders, who didn’t fare well in a return to Mexico City the following year (suffering a 33-8 loss to the Patriots). A few years later, the Raiders left Oakland for Las Vegas due to those issues at home. Carr was never really the same player after his injury, only leading the Raiders to the playoffs once more before signing with the New Orleans Saints in 2023. As for the NFL’s international scene, it’s still going strong, although only a handful of games have been played in Mexico since then (including one that was moved back to the U.S. at the last minute) and the NFL hasn’t been there since 2022. Given the focus on Europe, it’s unlikely they return any time soon.

OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:

— 1982: The NFL games officially resume, following a strike by the NFL Players Association that resulted in the cancelation of seven weeks’ worth of the regular season

— 1925: College football legend and future HOFer Red Grange signs with the Chicago Bears, helping establish the legitimacy of professional football in the league’s early days

— 1902: The Philadelphia Football Athletics defeat the Kanaweola Athletic Club 39-0 in the first ever American professional football game to take place at night

STAT OF THE MONTH

Is Kyle Shanahan the most anti-clutch coach in NFL history? That may seem like a clickbait headline, but it’s beginning to be more of a reality. His reputation wasn’t good when the season began, having been the face of 28-3 and losing two other Super Bowls (this time as head coach) despite having a lead late in the 4th quarter. Then the season began and things haven’t exactly improved. Of course, injuries to key players have hampered the 49ers’ potential. But few teams are as stacked as San Francisco, which should have the talent to at least take care of the bad to average teams in the league, especially with the likes of Brock Purdy, Deebo Samuel, and the seemingly never-ending plethora of RBs they have. Hell, they’re certainly talented enough to have a lead in the 4th quarter against every team in their division. But they’re also anti-clutch enough to blow all of those leads, against teams that on paper are worse. Plus, it’s not like the 49ers are the only team with injuries. The Minnesota Vikings beat San Francisco (and are doing much better overall) despite losing their starting QB in the preseason and being forced to start Sam Darnold (the ex-49ers backup, ironically). Hell, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers nearly pulled off a win in Santa Clara despite being without both Mike Evans and Chris Godwin. 

So, what’s going on? First off, the defense has regressed significantly. Dre Greenlaw’s injury alone doesn’t account for that drop-off. I love Fred Warner, but there have been a few weeks where he’s let me down. Maybe firing the DC of an NFC title-winning team and hiring the guy whose Los Angeles Chargers squad lost 63-21 to the Las Vegas Raiders wasn’t a good move. The other issue, as clickbaity as it sounds, is mentality. This squad is coming off the narrowest Super Bowl defeat of all-time, against a team that had also beaten the majority of the core four years earlier. Other seasons have been derailed by injury and heartbreak, so once that started piling up again this season, perhaps the negative emotions got triggered easier. If this happens, it’s up to the team leaders (AKA the head coach) to pick the guys up. But all it seems Shanahan can do is make excuses, throw people under the bus, and be an asshole (like his Dad). 

It seems when the going gets tough, the 49ers get going. Given that this is the same franchise that once employed Joe Montana, it’s a shame. In fact…

If Mike Tomlin were coaching in San Francisco, they would’ve won the Super Bowl at least twice in the past decade. I have no idea how this guy can consistently win despite the utter dogshit offense he’s been forced to deal with. In the past, Tomlin had been mocked for failing to win it all with the likes of Ben Roethlisberger, Le’Veon Bell, and Cuntonio Brown. But given the (ahem) controversies surrounding Steelers players in the past, it’s a miracle Tomlin kept the Pittsburgh locker room together at all. Throw Tomlin in charge of these 49ers and things would change. At least 49ers fans are happy that one thing has stayed the same…

The Cowboys aren’t just bad, they’re historically bad, especially at home. In fact, they have not won a home game since December 30, AKA the infamous “ineligible receiver” game against the Detroit Lions. Including the Wild Card ass-kicking at the hands of the Green Bay Packers and a preseason loss to the Chargers, Dallas has played seven games at home in the calendar year of 2024. Every one of them has been a loss. Here’s a list of those who have won a game/competition at AT&T Stadium in 2024: the Packers, Chargers, Saints, Ravens, Lions, Eagles, Texans, Texas A&M, the U.S. & Canadian men’s national soccer teams, Sage Steele Kimzey & Cassio Dias (PBR), the Eastern Eagles (MLW), and Jake Paul. Given that the Cowboys aren’t gonna make the playoffs, they have four more chances to avoid a winless 2024 at home. By far their easiest remaining home opponent is the New York Giants, who Dallas not only beat earlier this year, but who just made their $160M QB their QB4. If they can’t beat Tommy Cutlets on Thanksgiving, there’s no hope. 

I have thoughts on all three of these losses. First off, fuck the Chiefs. Kansas City’s insufferability gets subdued for a week and I don’t have to worry about them adding an unbeaten season to this run from Hell for everyone else. However, none of this matters unless the Chiefs go down in the postseason. These fuckers aren’t dead until they’re buried six feet underground — even then, make sure to salt the earth on top of their grave. 

Secondly, Baltimore, it’s time. It may seem like heresy, but we’ve reached the point where Justin Tucker is not only not the most accurate K in NFL history, he’s also actively costing the Ravens games. Tucker clearly doesn’t have it anymore and he’s average at best. It may be time to start looking for your future special teams leader, if not outright plan to get rid of Tucker soon. Aside from that, it’s actually kind of alarming how anti-clutch Lamar Jackson is against good teams, especially the Steelers. Speaking of anti-clutch, when do we have the same discussion about Kyle Shanahan about John Harbaugh? Yes, Harbaugh has won a Super Bowl. But that was more than a decade ago (and came against the 49ers, no less). 

Now, as for Joe Burrow…  

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 BEST INDIVIDUAL SEASONS ON NON-PLAYOFF TEAMS

While I’m enjoying the spoils of having Lamar Jackson (except against the Steelers), watching Josh Allen ruin the Chiefs’ unbeaten season, and seeing Jared Goff and the Lions break the NFL, there’s one QB who probably should be leading the NFL MVP race, but isn’t. Joe Burrow is balling the absolute fuck out right now, leading the league with just over 3,000 yards and a TD-INT ratio of 27/4 through the first 11 games of the season. While having Ja’Marr Chase does help, Burrow’s been killing it despite having no clear No. 2 WR, with Tee Higgins missing a lot of time. I’m not just highlighting Burrow to satiate Dad and his complaints of unfairness — I have Burrow in my work league (Bengals-Ravens games have been quite fruitful for me this year). Though maybe pointing out Dad’s record is apt in this analogy, because like him, Cincinnati is under .500 and likely to miss the playoffs in spite of a spectacular year from Burrow. Five of the Bengals’ seven losses have come despite the offense scoring 25+ points, with Cincinnati’s porous defense (Trey Hendrickson aside) and special teams (and a few poor calls) leading to several heartbreaking shootout losses. The frustration is starting to boil over in the Jungle, and with several of the Bengals’ best players due to be paid soon, their Super Bowl window may be smaller than we previously thought, despite Burrow’s amazing output.

As Cincinnati continues to waste generational talent, I got to thinking, what other statistically amazing individual seasons have been wasted on mediocre or terrible teams? Let’s find out.

HONORABLE MENTION: TOBIN ROTE (1956)

Presenting the greatest QB season in NFL history you’ve never heard of: Tobin Rote’s 1956 campaign. Considered the first true dual threat QB in league history, Rote was one of the main parts of the infamous Bobby Layne trade in 1958. Two years earlier, Rote led all QBs in yards, attempts, and TDs (both passing and rushing), as well as completions. He also finished second in the league in rushing TDs. Aside from Rote, the Packers offense combined for just five TDs all season. Unfortunately, that (plus Rote’s 15 INTs) led to Green Bay finishing with a 4-8 record.

HONORABLE MENTION: JOSH GORDON (2013)

Ah, the season that single-handedly led to thousands of fantasy football championships and created an online diety. In 2013, the Cleveland Browns went 4-12 with the likes of Brandon Weeden and Brian Hoyer throwing the football. But despite that (and missing the first two games of the season), Josh Gordon went absolutely nuclear, finishing with 1,646 yards and nine TDs, while becoming the first WR ever with back-to-back 200-yard games. Sadly, injuries and substance abuse problems would prevent Gordon from reaching those heights again.

HONORABLE MENTION: STEVEN JACKSON (2009)/JAMAAL CHARLES (2012)

It’s a tale of two RBs who deserved better. The eternally underrated Steven Jackson was wasted on mediocre Rams squads, with him putting up 1,416 rushing yards (second in the league that year) in 2009, a year that saw St. Louis finish 1-15 and cement itself as one of the worst in league history. Three years later, it was the Chiefs who were dogshit, finishing 2-14 (the last time they had a losing record). Jamaal Charles, coming off a torn ACL, was Kansas City’s best player, finishing with 1,509 yards and averaging 5.3 yards per carry. Another major waste.

HONORABLE MENTION: JOE THOMAS (CAREER)

By the nature of their job, offensive linemen don’t stand out on paper as much as players in other positions, meaning it’s tough to pick out truly standout years and many great players are often consigned to the dustier portions of history books. Perhaps no consistently greater player (regardless of position) was wasted more than Joe Thomas. From his first game in 2007 to his final play in 2017, Thomas never even missed a snap, providing excellent protection for a Cleveland Browns franchise that had just one winning record with him on their roster.

HONORABLE MENTION: SHARING THE BURDEN

While this list is meant for players who were alone in excellence amid awfulness, there have been instances of a pair of teammates having fantastic years for shit teams. There may be no greater example than J.J. Watt (just missing out on a fourth DPOY honor in as many years) and Andre Johnson (1,407 receiving yards) on the 2-14 2013 Houston Texans. Henry Ellard and Ken Harvey had a similar story for Washington’s 3-13 1994 squad, while Rodney Harrison and Junior Seau were diamonds on the 2000 San Diego Chargers squad that went a rough 1-15. 

10. DREW BREES (2012)

2012 was a weird year for the Saints. Head coach Sean Payton was suspended for the entire season due to the Bountygate scandal while his interim replacement had to be replaced for the first six games of the year due to his own suspension. Due in part to these coaching changes, New Orleans’ defense was complete, utter dogshit, becoming the first unit to give up more than 7,000 yards in a single season. The one constant in New Orleans was Drew Brees, who put together one of his greatest campaigns, finishing with 5,177 yards and 43 TDs to just 19 INTs. Those numbers were ever so slightly off from his performance the season before, which saw Brees set career highs en route to OPOY honors. However, while the Saints themselves finished the 2011 campaign with a 13-3 record, New Orleans went just 7-9 in 2012, rendering Brees’ phenomenal year worthless. 2015 is also a wasted Drew Brees year, with New Orleans finishing 7-9 despite Brees breaking the NFL record for most consecutive games with a TD pass.

9. MATT RYAN (2018)

While Drew Brees may have put up one of the best passing seasons that didn’t matter in 2012, one of his biggest rivals might have surpassed him a few years later. In the 2018 offseason, Matt Ryan signed a record five-year, $150M deal to remain with the Falcons. He immediately began proving that he was worth the investment, going absolutely nuclear in the pocket. Ryan threw for 4,924 yards and 35 TDs to just seven INTs. Those numbers were marginally worse than they were two years before, when Ryan was named MVP and led Atlanta to Super Bowl LI. What’s more, throw in three rushing TDs and a receiving score, and you have 39 total TDs — a career high for Ryan. However, the Falcons were ravaged by injuries in 2018, finishing 7-9, which was actually 4-9 before a meaningless three-game winning streak to end the season. Case in point: a Week 3 loss to the New Orleans Saints that saw Ryan throw for 374 yards, five TDs, and no INTs. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it as long as I need to: Matt Ryan is a HOFer.

8. TONY GONZALEZ (2008)

One of the worst parts of the current Chiefs dynasty is Travis Kelce nuthuggers’ erasure of Tony Gonzalez’s legacy in Kansas City. Before Kelce was given a generational QB (and the benefit of some questionable calls) in a pass-happy league, Gonzalez was putting up the best non-Jerry Rice numbers we’ve seen from a pass-catcher, let alone a TE. Gonzalez also did that with a few years of decent Trent Green play as his best QB help. By the time 2008 rolled around, he had to settle for Brodie Croyle, Damon Huard, and Tyler Thigpen, who unsurprisingly led Kansas City to a miserable 2-14 record. But even in that dogshit season, Gonzalez was an absolute beast, totalling 1,058 yards and nearly equaling his career high with ten TDs. This earned him a spot on the NFL All-Pro team. That’s a great season for any TE, let alone one with Tyler Thigpen throwing him the ball for the majority of the season. Gonzalez would be traded to the Atlanta Falcons in the offseason, with Gonzalez missing out on the success the Chiefs would get. 

7. MARSHALL FAULK (1998)

A big reason the 2000 San Diego Chargers sucked was the play of Ryan Leaf and other QBs on the roster. Meanwhile in Indianapolis, the Qb picked ahead of Leaf in 1998 was doing much better. That was good, because his rookie year was awful. Peyton Manning would figure things out and have a HOF career, but his first season was a disaster. Manning struggled mightily, putting up numbers that wouldn’t be replicated until his final year in the NFL, when the Denver Broncos’ defense dragged his corpse to the Super Bowl. The Colts finished 1998 with a 3-13 record, but a future HOFer was the lone bright spot, and I’m not talking about Manning. Marshall Faulk absolutely balled out, rushing for 1,319 yards and six TDs, while adding 908 yards and four TDs through the air to lead the league with scrimmage 2,227 yards (MVP Terrell Davis was second). This would be Faulk’s last in a Colts uniform — he was traded to the St. Louis Rams in the offseason, with Indianapolis replacing him with another future HOFer in Edgerrin James.

6. DICK BUTKUS (1969)

The Chicago Bears of the late 1960’s and early 1970’s had two other players on the “best to never reach the playoffs” list. The first was Gale Sayers, the impossible to tackle RB whose 1965 rookie year was in contention for making it on this list. Then there was Dick Butkus, who sparked fear into everyone he played despite having the most phonetically make-funable name in NFL history. Butkus remains one of the best defensive players the NFL has ever seen and perhaps its most intimidating. That reputation was cemented in 1969, Butkus’ magnum opus. Butkus put together a year of terror for opposing offenses, with his best effort being Week 8, when Butkus recorded 25 tackles and a safety in a 38-7 win over the Pittsburgh Steelers. That would be Chicago’s only win all year, as the Bears limped to a 1-13 record. Despite that, Butkus was named the NEA DPOY (the precursor to the current DPOY award). The only reason Butkus is this low in the list is due to the era when it happened and overall lack of defensive statistics.

5. BARRY SANDERS (1989)

Barry Sanders had better seasons than 1989, and would miss the playoffs on several other occasions with the Lions. But that particular campaign, which saw Detroit finish 7-9, was special for a number of reasons, not the least of which was that Sanders was a rookie. After a slow start to his debut year as a pro, Sanders caught fire and began what would be a yearly tradition of being nearly impossible to tackle, which was often necessary due to the bad offensive line and terrible passing game he had to work with. Despite only starting 13 of a possible 16 games, Sanders finished with 1,470 rushing yards and 14 TDs — the yardage was a franchise record for any RB. What’s more, it could have been even better. Sanders was battling Christian Okoye for the league rushing title. Okoye’s game ended before Sanders’, with the Detroit RB trailing by just ten yards. When asked if he wanted to go back into the game (well on the way to a Lions win), Sanders declined, letting Okoye keep the rushing title. Just another reason Sanders is the man.

4. CALVIN JOHNSON (2008)

From one generational talent wasted by the Lions to another, Calvin Johnson may not have had this list-making season as a rookie (rather, as a sophomore). But 2008 is when Johnson first became Megatron. In fact, Johnson nearly doubled the yardage of his rookie year, while tripling the TD total. Those receiving yards — 1,331 — were good enough for Top 5 in the NFL, while the TDs — 12 — were tied for the league lead. Doing all of that in just his second season would have been impressive enough. But remember what team we’re talking about (Detroit) and what year it was (2008). Yep, Johnson became Megatron the same year the Lions became the first NFL team to go 0-16 in a single season, and just the second winless team in modern league history. The following is the list of QBs to play for Detroit that season: Dan Orlovsky, Daunte Culpepper, Jon Kitna, Drew Stanton, Drew Henson. 2008 made fans salivate at what Johnson could do with an actually good QB throwing him the ball. Matt Stafford was only happy to be that QB.

3. DAN MARINO (1986)

The more we get used to this current era of pass-happy football and inflated offense, the harder it will be for newer NFL fans to appreciate just how insane and ahead of his time Dan Marino was. Marino’s stats wouldn’t look out of place among today’s NFL elite, which is incredible given that his seasons are now turning 40 years old. In 1984, Marino essentially broke the QB position, setting records that wouldn’t be touched for decades while leading the Dolphins to a 14-2 record and a Super Bowl appearance. Just two years later, Marino nearly matched those stats, once again leading the NFL in completions, yards, and TD passes (he’s the first and only QB to do so for three consecutive seasons). Marino finished the 1986 season with 4,746 yards and 44 TDs on 23 INTs. But Miami as a whole took a huge step back, finishing 8-8 and missing the playoffs. Perhaps no game was as symbolic of the season as Week 3, when Marino threw for 448 yards and six TDs (with two INTs), but the Dolphins fell to the New York Jets in OT by a count of 51-45.

2. JARED ALLEN (2011)

While Jared Allen had more than a decade’s worth of fantastic seasons, 2011 was particularly incredible. One of the greatest (and yet most dubious) NFL records is the all-time single-season sack mark of 22.5, set by Michael Strahan in 2001 and tied by T.J. Watt 20 years later. But in 2011, Allen laid a one-man siege on the record, wrecking offensive lines and terrorizing QBs. In the end, Allen finished with 66 tackles (including a safety), three passes deflected, an INT, and four forced fumbles. Oh yeah, and he had 22 sacks, coming up inches short of NFL history. What made this even more incredible is that Allen did all of this as a member of a 3-13 Vikings squad led by Christian Ponder and a hobbled Adrian Peterson. There were other big names on Minnesota’s defensive line, but apart from Allen they were either well before or past their prime. It was Allen against the world in 2011. Even more incredibly, Allen didn’t even get the DPOY award as a consolation prize — that honor (somewhat controversially) went to Terrell Suggs.

1. CORTEZ KENNEDY (1992)

Apart from Cortez Kennedy, I dare you to name any member of the 1992 Seattle Seahawks. Go ahead — you can’t. Hell, I’m looking at the roster as I write this, and I’ve only ever heard of, like, three of them (and one is K John Kasay). Hell, just look at the QB roster: Stan Gelbaugh, Jeff Graham, Kelly Stouffer, and Dan McGwire. With all due respect, who? The point I’m trying to make is, these Seahawks were hot ass booty cheeks. In fact, the 1992 Seahawks may have the statistically worse offense in NFL history, having more punts than points scored through Week 12. The only reason Seattle even won two games was because of their defense, which was one of the best in the league (maybe “most unbalanced teams” is a future Top 10 list). Kennedy was the lynchpin of that defense, finishing with career highs in tackles (92), sacks (14), and forced fumbles (four). That’s how Kennedy was named the 1992 DPOY despite being part of a team that finished a paltry 2-14, cementing his season as the best to have gone to waste.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

QUEEN’S GAMBIT (6-5) VS. BONE 2 BONE (2-9)

We’re now at the point where everyone has played everyone once, meaning the last three matchups of the regular season will be rematches. The first time Queen’s Gambit and Bone 2 Bone squared off, it was billed as a battle between the defending champ and Yahoo!’s projected best team of 2024. Well, 11 weeks later Aly is very much in contention to repeat, but Dad has fallen well short of projections. He needs to win at least one of his last three matchups to have a chance of not finishing last, but the first of those three is against one of the league’s top scorers.

THREE EYED RAVENS (5-6) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-8)

If the season ended today, only one member of the Ewing household would qualify for the postseason. It’s not the team who made the semi-finals last year, with the Three Eyed Ravens looking like Justin Tucker in being a shell of themselves. Given his overall lack of scoring, Ewing desperately needs a win to keep any hopes he has of the playoffs alive. Fortunately for him, he’s playing the only team who’s scored fewer points than him. The Krispy Kritters are in their own battle: to not finish last. A matchup with Richard may be exactly what Ewing needs.

WELL DAMN (8-3) VS. VELVET THUNDER (6-5)

One year after being on top of the standings after one game against everyone, Well Damn is on top of the standings after one game against everyone. Chriss is doing what he can to get back to the Epic Bowl, but the No. 1 seed is far from secured. In fact, Chriss is as many games from locking up the top as he is from 8th place. One of those teams currently in the 6-5 block is Velvet Thunder, which needs another win or two to clinch their own berth, or at least stick out of the pack. Emilio can avoid the tough task of needing to win out by beating the current top dog.

THE ANTARCTICANS (7-4) VS. HAWK TUA (4-7)

The first time the Antarcticans and Hawk Tua faced off this season, they were the top two scorers of the week, as I narrowly took home the win over a pissed off Nick. Turns out, Nick should’ve saved some of those points for later on, as he finds himself essentially needing to win out in order to make the playoffs. Meantime, I have no idea how I’m still the top scorer in the league, given my injuries and a couple of performances while I was overseas. I’m also scared about what kind of potential karma I’m gonna receive after beating Nick like I did last time.

CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (6-5) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (6-5)

Channel 4 News Team and Footballdamus have been card-carrying members of the middle of the pack for pretty much all season, with the two teams having the same record and sitting just 33 points apart in the standings. But Riaz and Arik are far from the only ones with that record, meaning wins have become much more important for them. Both can afford to lose a game, maybe two. But neither want to take chances and burn that lifeline this week. Plus, given how things above them could shape out, a seed in the top half of the playoff table isn’t impossible.

MAYBE NEXT YEAR (7-4) VS. HOG WILD (6-5)

Well, it doesn’t matter what Hog Wild can do this weekend — Jimmy’s gonna lose. Why? Did you see what happened after Ewing proposed to Aly? He went fucking nuclear on the league, turning the worst team into a playoff contender in less than a month. Kyle saw the game plan and is putting his own spin on it, by fielding an actually good team. Maybe Next Year was already looking like one of the top contenders to win the Epic Bowl this year. But now, with the infusion of engagement juju? It’s over, man. Game over! Congrats on the championship, Kyle.

ONE LAST THING

The countdown is now officially on.

Saturday, January 25, 2025. 5 p.m. My place. Trivia Night 2. Come ready, and by that I mean actually read the fucking newsletter for once.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness