(clears throat)
Ahem…
Fantasy football has more than one royal family
(badass guitar noises)
Adrenaline in my soul
Every game out of control
Do it all to win the Epic League
Points are scored, a lot of them
Gettin’ into the endzone again
The game is over, I’ve won the Epic Bowl
WWHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
And my father said, when I beat his team
Go win the whole damn thing (and I did!)
You tried to win the game, I won it anyway
Can’t take my title
Here to kick some ass, a champion once again
I’ve got the trophy
Now you bow to me
You scored some points but not enough
You’ll fall to me at the end
I am my kingdom
The whistle blows, I’m ready now
Set my lineup for the week
Gonna watch some football on TV
See my players take the field
Ready for them to score some points
Ball is thrown, moves are made, touchdown
WWHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
And my father said, when I beat his team
Go win the whole damn thing (and I did!)
You tried to win the game, I won it anyway
Can’t take my title
Here to kick some ass, a champion once again
I’ve got the trophy
Now you bow to me
You scored some points but not enough
You’ll fall to me at the end
I am my kingdom
You tried to tell me I won’t win
(I kept my lineup through thick and thin)
But I’m the only one still left
(And you must say that I’m the best)
Bow! Now!
(I am the king and you’re the clowns)
Now watch me as I take my throne
And rule my kingdom
You tried to win the game, I won it anyway
Can’t take my title
Here to kick some ass, a champion once again
I’ve got the trophy
Now you bow to me
You scored some points but not enough
You’ll fall to me at the end
I am my kingdom
You tried to win the game, I won it anyway (won it anyway)
Can’t take my title
Here to kick some ass, a champion once again (champion once again)
I’ve got the trophy
Now you bow to me
You scored some points but not enough
You’ll fall to me at the end
I am my kingdom
Now you bow to me
Ah, it feels good to be the king once again. Let’s take a look at how I managed to get back on top of the Epic League for a second time.
QUARTER-FINAL RECAP
3. THE ANTARCTICANS DEF. 6. FOOTBALLDAMUS
155.70 – 79.88
Entering the playoffs on a loss and facing the hottest team in the league, I was afraid one of us would be stellar, while the other would shit the bed. Turns out, I was right, but not how I thought. The lowest-scoring member of the Antarcticans still put up seven points, which is how I put up one of the highest totals of my fantasy career. Lamar Jackson (37 points) tore up the Giants as expected, but I did not foresee Mike Evans (27 points) going nuclear. Throw in nice efforts from Tee Higgins (14 points) and a late-season pickup in Zach Charbonnet (12 points) — as well as the last great games from Fred Warner (12 points) and CeeDee Lamb (17 points) — and I was flying high. Meanwhile, whatever momentum Footballdamus had completely vanished. Apart from nice days from the UPS pairing of Chase Brown (23 points) and A.J. Brown (17 points), Riaz’s lineup played like utter dogshit (Brock Purdy and Darnell Mooney in particular). While I was thrilled to be moving on, I knew I was due for a slowdown, which was terrifying given my next opponent.
SEMI-FINAL RECAP
3. THE ANTARCTICANS DEF. 2. MAYBE THIS YEAR
87.38 – 70.14
Two years ago, my high-scoring team had one bad game in the playoffs and was eliminated by Kyle. This year, the Antarcticans (aside from Lamar Jackson and his 21 points) were pretty unimpressive in the semi-finals and probably should have been knocked out by Kyle again. But fantasy football doesn’t always play out as you’d think. We’ll never know for sure if Jalen Hurts’ concussion and early departure from the semi-finals was the true difference between Kyle and I, if only because the rest of Maybe This Year’s lineup (outside of, weirdly for Kyle, the Packers defense and Zack Baun) played like ass. Brian Robinson, Puka Nacua, Rico Dowdle, and T.J. Hockenson were all subpar. DeVonta Smith may have also been impacted by Hurts’ injury, but he did drop a likely wide open TD pass. A 17-point margin of victory is certainly within the power of a healthy Hurts to erase, though it’s not a guarantee. I didn’t want to win like this, but having suffered prior playoff heartbreak while facing Kyle, I wasn’t going to turn down a win here.
EPIC BOWL XIV RECAP
3. THE ANTARCTICANS DEF. 4. WELL DAMN
150.72 – 95.52
All year, the Antarcticans had been the epitome of “boom of bust,” either scoring a shitload of points or falling well short. While the majority of the time things had leaned towards the former, the semi-finals reminded me of just how low below the bar I could fall. My team was the only one that had neither won nor lost more than two games in a row all year. Maybe that’s why I scored so few points in the semi-finals — I was supposed to lose, only for fate to intervene. Now on a two-game winning streak and feeling like the embodiment of the “I shouldn’t be alive” meme, I had to face the most consistent team in the league. Well Damn had topped triple-digits in each of the first two rounds, even topping my quarter-final point total in the semi-finals. Chriss had been at the top of the standings for most of the season and was driven by a year-long quest for redemption, having fallen just short in last year’s Epic Bowl. I had been in his exact position five years ago. Now on the opposite side, I was terrified all of that kamra would get me in the end.
Here’s an underrated side-effect of the NFL’s desire to play on pretty much every day of the holiday season: it prolongs the torture. The first few days are sprinkled with a player or two going for each team, with momentum changing every 24 hours or so. For example, I had to slowly watch (while working on Christmas, no less) as a late TD by Travis Kelce (14 points) put Chriss well ahead in the projections. I then couldn’t celebrate another fantastic effort from Lamar Jackson (29 points) because the Texans didn’t even attempt a FG, rendering Ka-imi Fairbairn useless (DeMeco Ryans will pay for his crimes). With that advantage negated, both Chriss and I had to watch the next day as both Keenan Allen and Zach Charbonnet were largely neglected. As Saturday morning arrived and Rhamondre Stevenson gave me nothing (Jerod Mayo will pay for his crimes), those bad feelings only intensified — I needed someone to step up big time — now. How could I have possibly known that from that point on, I wouldn’t have to worry again?
To be fair, on paper I had plenty of reasons to worry — namely, Ja’Marr Chase. But while Chase did reach double-digits, he wasn’t the Bengals WR who dominated. That honor went to my new playoff king, Tee Higgins (29 points), who balled the fuck out with three TDs and 131 yards. That last TD in OT made me punch the air in the Target jewelry section (I was entertaining Gabby at the time). Then came the late game, which saw the injury gods strike again. While James Conner had to leave the game early due to knee problems, Trey McBride (18 points) took advantage of the increased focus of the Cardinals offense, scoring his first TD of the season and rewarding my season-long faith in him. In the span of a few hours, I had gone from the strong favorite to lose to the strong favorite to the win, a stunning swing that was partially due to Chriss getting screwed by injury luck and a misguided injury call by Arizona (Chriss will make Jonathan Gannon pay for his crimes). But I didn’t let myself feel any sort of hope — I’ve had my heart broken before.
I had to defend myself against a five vs. two situation on Sunday, hoping I could maintain my lead. Bryce Young (16 points), Kaden Elliss (13 points), and the Raiders defense (12 points) did well for Chriss, but poor days from Jerome Ford and Brandon Aubrey prevented a true surge. The latter was partially due to the Eagles defense (19 points), which I had picked up in place of the Steelers (who finished in the negative). Throw in my most consistent non-Lamar Jackson player — Mike Evans (21 points) — having one more heroic effort, and I had essentially kept my lead entirely entact. But even up by 52 points going into Monday, my paranoid ass was fearful of Jahmyr Gibbs pulling an Alvin Kamara and dropping enough points to make the comeback. Fortunately, while Gibbs (22 points) was strong, it was far from enough to close the gap. Throw in two TDs from Jameson Williams (19 points) and a decent day from Fred Warner and I actually increased the margin of victory. All of that worry, having since given way to much joy.
Immediately, Lamar Jackson, Mike Evans, Tee Higgins, and Trey McBride join Kenyan Drake, Christian McCaffrey, and Mark Andrews in the pantheon of “Players Who Helped Me Win A Fantasy Football Championship,” while Jameson Williams (who I didn’t play that much due to inconsistency and having a stacked WR corps) joins George Kittle as an honorable mention. Rhamondre Stevenson misses out, joining D.J. Moore as players who had a solid season for me but did jack shit in the Epic Bowl. CeeDee Lamb and Kenneth Walker were good contributors, but limited by injuries/other factors. The Eagles defense also gets a special spot for its exceptional performance in its one week in the spotlight, taking over for the Steelers defense, which was solid but lost its edge after T.J. Watt got hurt. Fred Warner was solid if not spectacular, while Zach Charbonnet did decently in his few weeks on the roster. Injury and inconsistency limit Ka’imi Fairbairn and Younghoe Koo to mere mentions. All in all, job well done, Antarcticans!
BEST & WORST OF THE PLAYOFFS
UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE
BEST: From barely clinging onto a playoff spot to coming tantalizingly close to both an Epic Bowl appearance and a podium finish, Jimmy surprised everyone in the playoffs. At least his run will forever be known for taking down the defending champion and top team in the regular season. Jimmy probably should’ve gotten more from these past two weeks, but he’ll have to settle for this.
WORST: Speaking of that defending champion turned top regular season team, anything but a podium finish would’ve been disappointing for Aly. The worst part is that she didn’t even play poorly — she just ran into Jimmy when he had one of his best weeks all year. Any other matchup and Aly makes at least the semi-finals. Consider this her “welcome to fantasy football” moment.
TRANSACTION
BEST: While the Steelers defense had done well for me all season, I saw Watt-less Pittsburgh about to face the Chiefs and thought “fuck that.” Gambling on an Eagles defense that had just been destroyed by the Commanders, Philadelphia rebounded against the Cowboys to the tune of 19 points. Given the Steelers finished in the negative, this was a “much-needed” 20-point swing.
WORST: While there wasn’t one transaction that impacted where the trophy ended up, Jimmy could have secured 3rd place by not doing the unconscionable and cutting a Raider in favor of a Chief. By dropping Daniel Carlson for Harrison Butker, Jimmy only got five points from his K instead of 15, a difference big enough to swing the end result. It’s not much, but $50 is $50.
LINEUP DECISION
BAD: Neither Kyle nor Jimmy completely nailed their lineups for their 3rd place showdown. Kyle left DeVonta Smith and his 24 points on the bench, while Jimmy left Adam Thielen and his 23 points behind. Either decision could have swung the matchup either way. But because Jimmy ended up losing, he gets the honor here. But this wasn’t Kyle’s most impactful decision.
WORST: That would be the decision he didn’t know he was making. On paper, starting Jalen Hurts should’ve been a no-brainer. But the presence of Jared Goff — and arguably in a better matchup — made for a realistic alternative. Kyle couldn’t have known what was about to happen, but everything surrounding Hurts’ concussion gets put under a microscope given the end result.
LUCK
BEST: I wonder who this one goes to… let me think. Is there anyone who got multiple rounds of 150+ point scoring with season-best performances from multiple players in the playoffs? Is there anyone who has had multiple opponents be dealt terrible injury luck? Is there anyone whose own injuries actually ended up benefiting them in some way? What do you mean, look in the mirror?
WORST: This one is actually a debate. Should it go to the top team in the league who had a good quarter-final, but lost to someone with an even better week? Should it go to the semi-finalist who only lost to the highest scorer? Should it go to either of the two members of the potential Epic Bowl matchup had a certain QB not gotten hurt? Aly, Jimmy, Kyle, Chriss — this one’s for you.
WHAT COULD’VE BEEN
In these season finale newsletters, I always like to look back on things like projections and ideas of what could’ve been. One of the most interesting things to observe in these situations is the immediate post-draft Yahoo! projections, which are either completely on the nose or so far off the nose they’re not even on the face anymore. As a reminder, here’s what was projected:
Of course, the obvious headline is Dad — who nearly finished dead last and lost the first eight games of the season — projected to go 14-0. Meantime, Kyle — who finished 3rd — was projected to finish tied for last. Other highlights include Riaz going 11-3, Ewing having the reverse of his actual record, and Aly finishing at .500. However, there are quite a few things Yahoo! actually got right. For example, Richard did in fact finish tied for last (losing the tiebreaker on points scored) and I did get the No. 3 seed while ending in the Top 3 in scoring. Chriss was only one game and one seed off his projection, Emilio did miss the playoffs, and Arik, Nick, and Jimmy weren’t too far off from their projections. Sometimes, Yahoo! isn’t completely fucking awful with their projections.
This is also usually the time where I’d re-analyze all of the trades that have taken place, judging them based on their impact on the final standings. But in perhaps the biggest upset of the year, there were no trades this season! So instead, I’ve decided to instead take a look at some “what-ifs” and what would’ve happened if those close calls were reversed. Obviously, there were several close matchups throughout the year and going through all of the potential reversals would be nitpicking just for the sake of it (not to mention tedious). But I’ve decided to look at three different happenings that were either extraordinarily rare, extremely close, happened late in the season, or any combination of the three. First off, let’s address an elephant in the room:
SCENARIO 1: JALEN HURTS DOES NOT SUFFER A CONCUSSION IN WEEK 16
It may have been the most significant injury of the fantasy football season: Jalen Hurts having to leave what would become a shootout between the Eagles and Commanders early with a concussion. It left Kyle without a QB and unable to take advantage of one of my lowest-scoring weeks of the season, with him having to settle for a 3rd place finish. I ended up beating Kyle by 17 points — given that Hurts finished with four points and was projected to score 21, that’s pretty much the difference right there. Surely, if Hurts plays the whole game, he hits that projection and Kyle wins, right? In short, probably, but not for certain.
In the 14 games Hurts played before Week 16, he was projected to score around 20/21 points each time, beating that projection nine times. Interestingly, one of the five times he didn’t was Philadelphia’s other game against Washington. Hurts’ injury came just over five minutes into the game, and he had already tallied four points. If you extrapolate that across the entire game, Hurts was on pace to drop 60 points. That’s obviously unrealistic, but one could assume that Hurts was on his way to a big game, given that both teams scored more than in their previous matchup. You’ve also got to factor in Hurts’ impact on DeVonta Smith, who seems to be a big “boom or bust” prospect with Hurts throwing to him. Smith only got five points in this game, the majority of which came after Hurts left.
Let’s say that Hurts avoids injury, stays in the game, and is enough for Kyle to win in the semi-finals. Surely this means that Kyle wins it all, right? Not exactly. On paper, it seems that Chriss would’ve won the Epic Bowl, given that he finished with 95.52 points and Kyle had 92.02. Swapping Hurts in wouldn’t exactly change that, because Kyle had a capable backup in Jared Goff, who scored 25 points. Hurts would’ve needed to score at least 29 points in order to not only do better than Goff, but close the gap against Chriss. Hurts had only done that three times this season — a three-game stretch against three of the five worst defenses in the league. That being said, in Week 15 Hurts had torched the Steelers for 28 points. You’ve also got to factor in Smith’s impact. Likely because of Hurts’ injury, Kyle benched Smith in favor of Jalen McMillan, who actually did well with 18 points. But in Hurts’ absence, Smith did unexpectedly well with 24 points. If Hurts plays in Week 17, Kyle more than likely keeps Smith in the lineup. But does Smith do as well with Hurts throwing the ball? Those 24 points were not only a season high for Smith, but his previous single-game high was 17 points — less than what McMillan put up. Given that Goff and McMillan’s days weren’t enough for him to surpass Chriss’ point total, Kyle would’ve had to hope for Hurts and Smith to be better than both of them. That’s a tough task, but not impossible. However, for the sake of this scenario, I’m leaning more towards “improbable.”
More than likely, had Jalen Hurts not had to leave Week 16 early with an injury, Kyle would’ve made it to the Epic Bowl, but have lost to Chriss, while I would’ve finished in 3rd. The people on the podium wouldn’t have changed, but our positions would have.
SCENARIO 2: ONE CLOSE LOSS GOES THE OTHER WAY
As I mentioned earlier, switching close wins and losses is not only tedious and overdone, but defeats the purpose of having non-blowouts. That being said, there are two instances that I feel don’t fall into that category. Remember in the last newsletter when I told you all to remember Kyle’s Week 14 victory over Chriss — which was just by three points and came down to Monday night? I wrote, “this game could be the most influential of the entire season?” and it may have been — along with one other result, which I also noted. That game also featured Kyle, this time making a miraculous comeback in Week 11 to defeat Aly by less than .2 points. Given that all three people involved in these two close, late season games finished close to each other at the top of the standings, what would’ve happened had one result been reversed?
Interestingly, either result being changed would essentially have the exact same impact. Aly finished in first place anyway, meaning erasing Kyle’s comeback would only strengthen her position atop the standings. A loss would drop Kyle from 9-5 to 8-6, moving him down in the standings from the No. 2 seed to No. 4. The only difference between the two result switches would be Chriss’ position — an extra win would make him the No. 2 seed (with my staying at No. 3), while the alternative would see me as the No. 2 seed and him at No. 3. Even then, it wouldn’t matter, with both Chriss and I scoring enough to defeat either Riaz or Nick in the quarter-finals. In addition, Aly would still lose to Jimmy and Kyle would have enough firepower to beat Arik. The real difference comes in the semi-finals, with Jimmy playing Kyle and Chriss and I meeting there instead of one round later. This would be bad news for me, as Chriss would take advantage of my bad week to eliminate me (once again forcing me to settle for 3rd) while Jimmy would dispatch a Hurts-less Kyle. Jimmy and Chriss would’ve met in the Epic Bowl, with Chriss narrowly coming out on top and Jimmy ruing not swapping Terry McClaurin for Adam Thielen.
SCENARIO 3: FOUR POINTS SWING TWO RESULTS
We just looked at what would happen if either one of two close, late losses were reversed. But what would’ve happened if both of them happened. Normally, asking for one “what-if” is a bit much — asking for two of them is even more unrealistic. But given the fact that both of those losses came by fewer than four points combined, it’s not as unrealistic as you’d think.
So let’s say Kyle’s miracle comeback not only falls short, but he also gets nipped by Chriss in the season finale. As mentioned earlier, Aly would still be at the top of the seedings, while Chriss would be the No. 2 seed and I would be No. 3. But in a testament to just how close together the standings were throughout the season, a 7-7 Kyle plummets down the rankings. While he would still make the playoffs, Kyle would instead be the No. 7 seed, meaning three new quarter-final matchups in Chriss vs. Kyle, me vs. Nick, and Arik vs. Riaz. Chriss and I would’ve once again met in the semi-finals, meaning Chriss was seemingly destined to at least make the Epic Bowl. Meanwhile, Arik would’ve beaten Riaz and made the semi-finals. However, crucially, Jimmy and Aly’s matchup would have remained unchanged, meaning Jimmy beating Arik in the semi-finals, only to narrowly lose to Chriss in the Epic Bowl.
Let’s say there was a scenario where Aly somehow didn’t play Jimmy in the quarter-finals, and she advanced to the semi-finals. Even then, playing either Arik or Chriss would’ve meant an early exit. A scenario where her semi-final opponent is either Kyle or I would’ve seen her in the Epic Bowl, but even then enough spots would’ve shifted to the point where an Epic Bowl opponent might’ve scored more than her. In the end, these three scenarios highlight three likelihoods: Jimmy probably should’ve at least made the Epic Bowl, another disappointing 3rd place finish was likely for me, and Chriss was going to make the Epic Bowl no matter what, and probably would’ve won it in most scenarios. Thank fucking god we got this reality instead. Reading this is probably enough to drive Chriss to drink.
Anyway, I couldn’t think of anywhere else to put this, so here.
FINAL DRINK PUNISHMENT TRACKER:
- Ruben (132.52) –> Emilio (65.62) [two glasses of Croft Purple Velvet wine]
- Kyle (151.02) –> Richard (68.34) & Riaz (69.08) [two shots of tequila]
- Nick (151.96) –> Ruben (64.68) [two cans of Guinness]
- Jimmy (131.62) –> Aly (73.80)** & Richard (74.50) [Device Curious Haze]*
- Ruben (141.72) –> Jimmy (87.42) [Liquid Gravity Miami Heist Hazy]*** & Arik (87.46) [Voodoo Ranger Atomic Pumpkin]
- Arik (145.32) –> Chriss (54.12) [two BuzzBallz of Chriss’ choosing]****
- Aly (151.22) –> Jimmy (63.04) [two vodka seltzers of Jimmy’s choosing]*****
- Ruben (138.16) –> Ewing (82.40) [Smirnoff Ice]******
- Arik (127.88) –> Chriss (83.62) [Golden Road Brewing Big Hazy Wolf Double IPA] & Richard (84.54) [Figueroa Mountain Lizard’s Mouth Imperial IPA]
- Chriss (145.90) –> Emilio (75.90) [Stone Fear.Movie.Lions Hazy Double IPA]
- Kyle (136.04) –> Richard (74.88) [Eggnog BuzzBallz]
- Richard (133.26) –> Arik (79.86) [Angry Orchard with a shot of Fireball]
- Aly (142.12) –> Ewing (66.98) [two Long Drinks]
- Arik (124.40) –> Emilio (60.32) [BuzzBalls of Emilio’s choice]
- Ruben (155.70) –> Riaz (79.88) [Track 7 Blood Transfusion IPA]
- Chriss (155.98) –> Kyle (70.14) [Bell’s Two Hearted IPA]
- Ruben (150.72) –> Jimmy (91.58) & Kyle (92.02) [Budweiser]
* Aly was given the option to drink a buzz ball, due to not having access to Curious Haze
** Ewing also drank a buzz ball because yolo
*** Jimmy couldn’t find Miami Heist Hazy, so he also drank Atomic Pumpkin
**** Chriss chose Tequila Rita
***** Jimmy chose High Noon
****** Had to be consumed as if Ewing was “iced”
Speaking of drinking…
MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT
You’ve gotta be shitting me.
After all of that losing, all of that pain, the Raiders suddenly decide to win when it doesn’t matter anymore, and when in fact it would actually benefit the team more if they lost? Instead of picking 1st in the draft and potentially selecting our franchise QB, Las Vegas could now pick as high as 10th? Not only did the Raiders get wins over draft rivals, but the latest victory — over the New Orleans Saints — didn’t even give fans the satisfaction of beating Dennis Allen (long since fired) or making Derek Carr (injured) the first starting QB to lose to all 32 NFL franchises?
This fucking team…
… you know what…
I’ve seen people slam Raiders fans for being upset about these past two wins, that it seems sacreligious to root for your team to lose. In most scenarios, I’d probably agree. But honestly, what significant benefit do the Raiders get for being 4-13 (or, god help us, 5-12) instead of 2-15? Either record is terrible and symbolic of one of the worst seasons in franchise history. Once you get to a certain point of terrible, it’s better for the franchise to improve its draft position, if not for selecting better players than for getting a trade haul from other teams that will.
Certainly, the players on the field aren’t happy about losing and aren’t going to go out of their way to tank their stats and chances of playing in the NFL again (you know, making a living doing what they love) just so their team has a better chance of drafting their replacements. However, if these same players deserved to keep their spots, maybe they should’ve done a better job at winning during the first four months of the season and not putting the team in this position in the first place. While admittedly a selfish viewpoint from a fan’s perspective, two or three weeks of competent play that might extend a career or two by a year or two is not worth possibly setting the franchise that I’ll likely spend my entire life rooting for back several years, if not longer.
It’d also be one thing if this were a scenario like when the usually good San Francisco 49ers got abnormally wrecked by injuries (even more so than usual) and sucked enough to draft Nick Bosa. But the Raiders are fucking terrible and haven’t won a playoff game since my little sister was a baby. Just a few years ago, Las Vegas actually made the postseason and then traded for arguably the best WR in the NFL at the time. But a mind-numbingly dumb head coaching hire led to that team being ripped apart, and these are the tattered remains. While there are certainly a few pieces well worth keeping — notably Maxx Crosby and future HOF and TE GOAT Brock Bowers — the rest of the roster is lacking. That’s especially notable at QB, with the Raiders having missed out on the six — SIX — highly-rated prospects in the previous draft. Sure, that led us to getting Bowers. But for as amazing as he seems to be, what’s it worth if he doesn’t have a good QB to throw him the ball. Without a good player at the most important position in sports, at best we’ve got another Tony Gonzalez situation: a generational talent being wasted and having to make chicken soup out of chicken shit from shit QBs.
When it comes to this draft, Cam Ward and Shedeur Sanders aren’t as highly-rated prospects as the likes of Caleb Williams, Drake Maye, and Jayden Daniels were last time. But their potential is at least better than the alternatives. One of those alternatives is signing a QB in free agency, with the “best” options being Kirk Cousins (who was so bad — against the fucking Raiders no less — that he was benched less than a year after signing a four-year, $180M contract), Justin Fields (who would not be in a better scenario than he was in Chicago, where he was running for his life), and Sam Darnold (who’s probably the best option, yet for as good as he’s been this year has also gotten to enjoy the likes of Justin Jefferson and Jordan Addison). The other alternative is sticking to what we have, which is not good. Aidan O’Connell has shown flashes of being good, but those are just that — flashes. Let’s not forget that he failed to beat out the worst version of Gardner Minshew I’ve ever seen in training camp and the fact that these recent series of games (in which he hasn’t looked terrible) have come against some of the worst teams in the NFL. O’Connell is a good backup, nothing more.
You know what’s the most fucked up part of all of this? Even if the Raiders hadn’t tanked their tank and were set to get either Ward or Sanders, I wouldn’t trust the front office to make the right call. Let’s not forget who the Raiders drafted the last time they had the No. 1 pick. No matter which one of them would’ve been taken, they would’ve probably been a bust because Raiders, while the other would’ve gone on to be a HOFer. The Raiders are pretty much physically incapable of making a good 1st round pick, and even then they end up trading away or losing the ones they don’t fuck up (see Khalil Mack, Amari Cooper, and Josh Jacobs).
Barring some kind of trade up back to the top of the draft, there is one possible scenario where even with their current draft position, the Raiders could position themselves well for the future without having to tank (and then inevitably fuck up again) next year. It involves one of the potential free agents I’ve mentioned: Sam Darnold. The Vikings are one of the best teams in the NFL, which is unexpected for several reasons. One of them is the play of Darnold, who wasn’t even expected to play. But after J.J. McCarthy was injured in the preseason (against the Raiders, no less), Darnold took over and has since proven that his early struggles might be to blame on being with the New York Jets and Carolina Panthers. In fact, Darnold has played so well that Minnesota could opt to go with Darnold over McCarthy in the long run. There is some precedent to this — the Philadelphia Eagles went with Nick Foles over Carson Wentz (albeit after a season of subpar play from Wentz) after Foles led them to a Super Bowl title.
Let’s say the Vikings go deep in the playoffs and try to not ruin a good thing, while deciding to get some value for McCarthy and find him a new home. Make that new home be Las Vegas. The Raiders missed out on the chance to draft McCarthy, but could get a second chance by trading for him. Sure, McCarthy arguably had some of the biggest questions of any of the six prospects. But he succeeded in college thanks in part to the support of a good running game. While the Raiders desperately missed Josh Jacobs this season, perhaps the next Josh Jacobs is in the draft after all. Ashton Jeanty is projected to go around where the Raiders are picking. Why not pick the best RB prospect since Adrian Peterson while spending the rest of the draft capital beefing the hell out of the offensive line, both for McCarthy and Jeanty’s sake? If you can, try to snag one of the top free agent WR prospects. If not, Jakobi Meyers is not a bad target and Bowers has proven to be the ultimate safety blanket, especially for a young QB. Build the team around one of the top QB prospects from a loaded class, the best RB prospect in a generation, and literally the best rookie TE ever. Even if there are struggles next year, afterwards you can draft the best WR prospect you can get, or a stud for the defense.
Even though this NFL season saw me win a fantasy football championship, it has not been fun to watch, primarily because my team is dogshit. But there’s a difference between the Raiders of the past several years — probably not good enough to make the playoffs but good enough to give me hope and make games competitive — and this current squad. This team is not good enough to carry a subpar QB to the playoffs, and we all knew going in that neither Minshew nor O’Connell were good enough. That was proven as early as Week 3, when the Raiders were blown out at home by last year’s worst team. There’s a reason these segments have been so short each week: what makes the Raiders terrible is obvious and won’t be fixed this season, so why give a shit? I hate thinking like that, but what have the Raiders done other than prove me right? Now, to make matters worse, too little too late has made it so a potential solution isn’t even within reach. I don’t want to have to go through this shit again next year. I’m tired of this team being a fucking disgrace. But I have no confidence that it’ll stop anytime soon.
Watch this all end with us drafting Jalen Milroe and wasting two or three years in Daniel Jones-esque ineptitude, minus the random playoff appearance.
Well, at least basketball season is in full swing. My Sacramento Kings were already one of the most exciting teams with DeAaron Fox, Domantas Sabonis, and Keegan Murray. Plus, they added DeMar DeRozan in the offseason. Surely, they must be one of the top teams in the Western Conference, if not the NBA, right? Let’s check in to see how things are going…
…… what.
So basically, between the Raiders, Kings, the Boston Red Sox (who decided the best response to the yankees reaching the World Series was to sign Aroldis fucking Chapman of all people), and Manchester United, the team I root for that’s in the most optimistic position is the San Jose Sharks, who are (checks standings) last place in the Pacific Division with the second-fewest points in the NHL? Sounds about right. All hail Macklin Celebrini.
Yeah, with all of that going on, I fucking deserved some happiness with the Epic Bowl win. At least now I can watch football without being stressed out. At least, I thought I could…
CODE REDZONE
It seems there are fewer and fewer things in sports that are truly sacred. Teams leave their longtime homes unless taxpayers cater to billionaires. Ticket prices have risen to absurd levels, making it more difficult for the average, diehard fan to attend games in person. League partners are being chosen not due to their quality, but willingness to pay big bucks. Gambling has become so prevalent that it’s questioning some of the integrity of sports and sports media. Classic rivalries and events are being compromised for the almighty dollar. That’s all not to mention the increased annoyingness of commercials.
One of the few bastions of pure joy and unadulterated sports consumption has been NFL RedZone. I don’t need to explain what RedZone is — you know how offering live NFL action without things like commercials and boring content has revolutionized the way people watch football. Some people find it more difficult to watch during the playoffs, if only because it means they can only watch one game at a time. Since RedZone began in 2009, things like the octo-box, “witching hour,” and TD montage have become beloved parts of watching the NFL. Every Sunday morning, fans eagerly await Scott Hanson’s famous call as kickoff gets underway: “seven hours off commercial-free football start now.”
Except, that last part doesn’t appear to be sacred, either.
During Week 15, well after Hanson said the line, viewers noticed something strange and terrifying: a commercial on RedZone air. Now, due to the nature of cutting from broadcast to broadcast, there have been fractions of commercials that have played during RedZone in the past. But those are always accidental and never last more than a second or two. But this commercial was different — it played for about 15 seconds, uninterrupted, in a 2-box alongside a game. This wasn’t just a one-off, either, with spots for Verizon, Gatorade, Visa, and Lowe’s playing throughout the duration of RedZone.
Fans, shockingly, were pissed. This was not seven hours of commercial-free football, as had always been the case and as Hanson had said at the start of the broadcast. Hanson apologized for the latter and vowed for the show to be more accurate in the future (for the record, Hanson has nothing to apologize for — this is all above his pay grade). As of this writing, there have not been any more ads that have aired on RedZone (intentionally, anyway). However, Hanson’s famous line had changed, with the Week 16 broadcast beginning with Hanson saying, “seven hours of RedZone football.” The change from “commercial-free” to “RedZone” did not go unnoticed, and it was confirmed that the Week 15 ads were a test by the NFL to see what RedZone ads would look like. When the NFL tests something like that, it means that it’s probably coming in full force soon, possibly as early as next year. Sunday’s RedZone broadcast could be the final one without ads, and that is a goddamn shame.
Without trying to sound too radical, what more can these greedy fucks who run our favorite sports teams and leagues take from us? Are record revenue and popularity, mainstream appeal, and all of the other numerous commercials, sponsorships, and gambling partnerships that already dominate every game not enough for them? Clearly not, because they just can’t stand letting the common fan have just one goddamn thing, which already features ads on its graphics. The NFL is not hurting for money, let alone hurting enough to need the money that these ads bring in. They cannot be that valuable that the NFL would risk pissing off fans this much. The NFL is doing this for the same reason that billionaires continue to cut basic services and necessities for its minimum wage employees — because no amount of money will be enough for them, and because they can. This doesn’t even get into the fact that ads should have no place on a premium service that users pay extra for, but that’s a part of a larger discussion about how the benefits of streaming and the very advantages that made it a thing in the first place have been all but completely eroded.
The only hope to prevent RedZone ads is if the fans flip enough shit that the resounding backlash causes the NFL to stop in its tracks. It worked with the European Super League, although that nightmare appears to have risen from the dead. But more often than not, the NFL gets what it wants. That’s why there’s no NFL team in St. Louis and Oakland, why shit teams in New York constantly get shown on primetime, why players have shit benefits and rights (though that’s also on the NFLPA), and why more and more aspects of the game are being sold.
RedZone was created to eliminate two things: boring action and commercials. Now, it seems one of those is about to happen anyway.
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 10 NFL MOMENTS WITH GREG GUMBEL ON COMMENTARY
There are people who you don’t realize had a notable role in your early sports fandom until it’s too late. Greg Gumbel, who passed away last Friday at age 78 after a battle with cancer, was one of those people. Whether it be hosting the NFL on CBS or calling a game or doing various other work, Gumbel was one of those broadcasters who never made it about himself and just kept everything flowing naturally. Gumbel was like everything you’d want a referee to be — get everything right and be so perfect that you don’t really notice them until you pay attention. The consummate official, Gumbel was so good that he became the embodiment of “When you do things right, people won’t be sure you’ve done anything at all.” Hell, when I was growing up I didn’t even realize Bryant Gumbel had a brother until years later. But Greg Gumbel wasn’t just Bryant’s brother — he quietly became one of the best and most important sports broadcasters of our lifetime.
Gumbel didn’t jump into that world right away. After graduating from Loras College (where he also played baseball), he was selling hospital supplies when he got a call from his younger brother one day in 1973. Bryant, who was working as a sportscaster at KNBC in Los Angeles, told Greg that an NBC affiliate in Chicago, WMAQ, was looking for a replacement for their outgoing sportscaster, Dennis Swanson (who went on to become the president of ABC Sports). Greg got the gig and stayed at WMAQ for seven years, later anchoring for SportsCenter on ESPN, doing play-by-play for New York Knicks and yankees games (and hosting studio shows) for the MSG Network, and hosting a radio show on WFAN.
In 1988, Gumbel joined CBS, where he would truly establish his legacy. He started as a free-lance NFL play-by-play commentator alongside analyst Ken Stabler, becoming full-time the following year and hosting CBS’s college football show. Gumbel would also become host of The NFL Today, after Brent Musburger was fired due to a contract dispute. It was as host that Gumbel became the partner of Terry Bradshaw in his first role as studio analyst. Gumbel also had the honor of hosting CBS’ coverage of the 1994 Winter Olympics from Lillehammer, which featured the Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan drama. More than 78M people per broadcast watched the ladies’ singles figure skating coverage, which remains in the Top 10 most-watched TV broadcasts (not counting Super Bowls) in U.S. history. 1994 would also see CBS lose NFL broadcasting rights to Fox in a bidding war. They lost Gumbel as well, as he jumped to NBC to host The NFL on NBC, as well as do play-by-play for baseball and the NBA and host the network’s coverage of the 1996 Summer Olympics in Atlanta.
NBC would lose NFL broadcasting rights to CBS in 1998, with Gumbel returning to his old network, where he would remain for the rest of his life. Gumbel continued to do baseball and basketball work, though mostly at the collegiate ranks. Gumbel called multiple College World Series games and became the host of the network’s Selection Show and general NCAA Tournament coverage. Gumbel also did some college football and NASCAR work (including the Daytona 500). But Gumbel would ultimately be more prominent for his football coverage, becoming CBS’ lead play-by-play man alongside color commentator Phil Simms. It was during this point that Gumbel made history when the network broadcasted Super Bowl XXXV and Super Bowl XXXVIII. As the leading man in the booth, Gumbel became the first African-American announcer to call play-by-play of a major sports championship in the U.S. He was also the third (and to this day one of only four) people to host a Super Bowl pregame show and do play-by-play for a Super Bowl, as well as one of a handful to do both in addition to radio broadcast duties.
In 2004, Jim Nantz took over as the lead announcer for CBS’ NFL coverage, with Gumbel returning to host The NFL Today. Two years later, Gumbel would be replaced in that role by James Brown, who CBS had signed away from Fox. Gumbel would return to calling games, working with a variety of color commentators and analysts including Dan Dierdorf, Trent Green, Bruce Arians, Rich Gannon, and Adam Archuleta. In recent years, Gumbel took more of a step back, with his 2023 contract letting him continue to host college basketball while stepping away from NFL duties. However, Gumbel was absent from 2024’s March Madness coverage (for the first time since 1997) due to what were described as family health issues. Knowing what we know now, it’s tough to think this didn’t have to do with the illness that ultimately took his life. Even in death — much like in life — Gumbel was understated, though major names from across American sports have had nothing but lengthy, positive words to say about Gumbel since his passing.
As a way to highlight and honor Gumbel’s work, let’s take a look at some of the most iconic sports moments that maybe we didn’t even realize Gumbel was there for, his voice providing the backdrop for memories that live rent-free in our hearts and minds. Of course, Gumbel wasn’t just limited to football — arguably his most famous call came on John Stockton’s winning shot in Game 6 of the 1997 Western Conference Finals and he worked extensively in college sports, including being the play-by-play guy for LSU’s walk-off of Stanford to win the 2000 College World Series. But for the purposes of this newsletter, we’re sticking to football. Don’t worry, we have plenty of options to choose from, none of which are admittedly as memorable as when he and Bryant starred in the crime drama Gumbel 2 Gumbel: Beach Justice.
All things considered, there are a few moments which objectively should be on this list, but aren’t for various reasons. One of those reasons is the fact that these moments came at the expense of my favorite team. Namely, the 2000 AFC Championship Game (during which Rich Gannon was purposely injured by Tony Siragusa) and a snowy playoff game the following year that has a name that rhymes with “fuck tool,” which coincindentally is a popular nickname for the referees from that game in Oakland. The other notable omission is from 2018, when Alex Smith suffered one of the most horrific injuries in NFL history. Although Gumbel was on the call and it was one of the most memorable moments in recent NFL history, I didn’t feel good about putting it on the final list. This is meant to be celebratory, and that moment certainly wasn’t. As for ones that not only are celebratory, but are also pro-Raiders, there’s a good one to start with.
HONORABLE MENTION: BRUCE ALMIGHTY
One of the more bizarre facets of the 2000/2010’s Raiders is the fact that they seemed to have the Steelers’ number. Perhaps no game showcased this greater than a 2009 clash in Pittsburgh that saw the Raiders erase not one, not two, but three 4th quarter deficits. Pittsburgh native Bruce Gradkowski was the signal caller for Oakland, throwing for 308 years and three TDs. The last one came with just nine seconds remaining, with Louis Murphy’s TD grab giving the Raiders the 27-24 win. This remains one of the most unexpected moments of my Raiders fandom.
HONORABLE MENTION: FLUTIE FLUMMOXES THE JAGS
The Buffalo Bills began the 1998 season 0-3, then had to resort to backup QB Doug Flutie in place of injured starter Rob Johnson. Flutie won his first two games in charge, but faced a tough task in Week 7 in the form of the 5-0 Jacksonville Jaguars. Jacksonville was up 16-10 with less than 20 seconds remaining, but Buffalo had 4th and Goal from just outside the goal line. With the game on the line, Flutie ran a bootleg to the left and rumbled into the end zone. The ensuing extra point secured the 17-16 Buffalo win and ended the Jaguars’ unbeaten start.
HONORABLE MENTION: RANDY MOSS INSANITY, PART 1
There have been two instances of Gumbel being left gobsmacked on commentary by Randy Moss, which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice. The first came in 2003, when Moss’ Vikings were hosting the Denver Broncos. The game looked like it was heading to halftime tied at 7-7, but Daunte Culpepper threw a Hail Mary from nearly 60 yards out as time ran out. Moss caught the ball around the ten-yard line and was being tackled when he lateralled the ball to Moe Williams, who ran into the endzone for the unbelievable score. Minnesota would win 28-20.
HONORABLE MENTION: RANDY MOSS INSANITY, PART 2
The second instance came four years later, with Moss on the New England Patriots and playing up to his full potential thanks to Tom Brady. With the Patriots already up 21-7 over the Dolphins, Moss made an incredible catch over a pair of defenders to haul in a 35-yard TD, causing Gumbel to repeatedly shout “stop it” on commentary. On the ensuing drive, Brady unleashed another bomb towards Moss, who once again jumped over the defense to haul in a 50-yard TD. Gumbel once again lost his shit, as Moss and New England went on to crush Miami 49-28.
HONORABLE MENTION: OMG OBJ
There is another Ravens-Giants moment involving Gumbel that ranks much higher on this list. But this one from 2016 was also pretty notable, thanks in large part to Odell Beckham Jr. Baltimore had taken a three-point lead just before the two-minute warning, leaving New York little time to get into position for a game-tying FG attempt. Turns out, they needed just 40 seconds for Beckham to catch a pass and do the rest, breaking out for a 66-yard TD that sealed a 27-23 Giants win. The final also gave Beckham a whopping 222 receiving yards on the day.
10. TOOMER THE STREAK BREAKER
To kick off the Top 10, it’s another late receiving TD (and another game that saw an unbeaten team lose for the first time in 1998). In this case, the unbeaten team was the Denver Broncos, who were 13-0, defending Super Bowl champions, and on a 18-game winning streak dating back to the previous season. However, taking on the 5-8 New York Giants, Denver looked mortal, thanks in part to head coach Jim Fassel, who was John Elway’s offensive coordinator at Stanford. The Giants held the Broncos to just six points in the first half, but Denver couldn’t be held down for the whole game, with Terrell Davis’ 27-yard TD run putting the Broncos up 16-13 late. On their final drive, the Giants managed to get the ball to the 37-yard line. That’s where Kent Graham heaved a ball up for Amani Toomer, who appeared to come down with it in the end zone with just 48 seconds remaining. After some debate from the officials, Toomer was ruled to have been in bounds and New York upset Denver 20-16 to break the winning streak.
9. HAIL GREEN
While the Ravens-Steelers rivalry gets the headlines in the AFC North and Bengals-Browns is the natural Ohio pair, Ravens-Bengals is more than often fucking insane. Take, for example, this clash from 2013. At first, it seemed like it would be an easy win for Baltimore, who went into halftime with a 17-0 lead. But Cincinnati wasn’t done, scoring ten points to keep things close. Down to their last chance, the Bengals managed to work the ball to the 51-yard line. Andy Dalton heaved a Hail Mary to the end zone, but it was deflected at the goal line. However, that deflection went right into the arms of A.J. Green, who caught it in the end zone to complete the miracle. One extra point later and the game was shockingly headed to OT. It was there that the Bengals, who had somehow managed to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat, managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Instead of trying a 50ish-yard FG, Cincinnati went for it on 4th down and was stopped, leading to the Ravens to kick their own FG for the 20-17 win.
8. STEEL CITY COMEBACK
From one half of the AFC North to the other, we go back to the 2002 season, when the Steelers and Browns met for a rare playoff matchup. While the former is used to postseason success, the latter made the postseason just once in the first 20ish years since they returned to the NFL. That came in 2002, which saw Cleveland snag the final AFC Wild Card and set up a showdown in Pittsburgh. To everyone’s shock, the Browns absolutely dominated the first two-thirds of the game, jumping out to a 24-7 lead in the 3rd quarter. But the last 20 minutes were wild, with both teams trading scores. Still, it looked like Cleveland would pull off the upset, up 33-21 late. But the Steelers got back into the end zone with three minutes left and the Browns could not run out the clock. The latest Browns playoff choke was completed when Chris Fuamatu-Ma’afala rumbled into the end zone to give Pittsburgh a 36-33 lead with less than a minute left. That would be the final score, as Cleveland had to wait another 18 years for that elusive playoff win.
7. A CRAZY PATH TO REDEMPTION
When it comes to famous Browns chokes, this one often flies under the radar, despite it maybe being the most insane. In 2001, Cleveland visited the Chicago Bears in a rare matchup between those teams when they each had a winning record. The Browns had pretty much shut down Chicago’s offense and were up 21-7 with less than 30 seconds left, victory seemingly in hand. The Bears gott into the end zone to make it 21-14 and went for the onside kick. Incredibly, a good bounce and bad fielding let the Bears recover that kick, giving them another shot. Still, Chicago only managed to reach the 34-yard line with eight seconds remaining, as Shane Matthews heaved up a Hail Mary. The ball got deflected in the air before being caught by James Allen, incredibly sending the game to OT. While the Bears were forced to punt, the Browns were still dedicated to the choke. Tim Couch’s pass was tipped and picked off by Mike Brown (who deflected a pass that went for Cleveland’s last TD), who scored to give Chicago the 27-21 win.
6. HEARSTWHILE RUN
Gumbel was on the mic for several great moments in the 1998 season, but perhaps none was better than his first assignment of the season, which also was the first NFL game on CBS since 1994. The best game of Week 1 was between the San Francisco 49ers and New York Jets, who both came out of the gates swinging. Glenn Foley and Steve Young each threw three TDs, with Foley besting Young’s yardage 415 to 363. Eight times, the score was either tied or the lead was changed. Two of those came in the final 90 seconds, as a J.J. Stokes TD catch that gave San Francisco the lead was followed by a John Hall FG as time expired to send the game to OT tied 30-30. Both teams punted in the extra frame, with New York pinning San Francisco at their own four-yard line. Getting the ball on a play simply meant to get away from the goal line, Garrison Hearst blew through a hole and sprinted 96 yards down the sidelines, issuing a nasty stiff-arm and just making it into the end zone to give the 49ers the 36-30 win to start the season.
5. THE LONGEST PLAY
Antonio Cromartie may literally have more kids than he can remember, but there’s one NFL record that he’ll never forget, mostly because he did it and it technically can’t be beaten. In 2007, Cromartie’s San Diego Chargers were facing the Minnesota Vikings, with both teams tied 7-7 just before halftime. Minnesota attempted a 58-yard FG, but Ryan Longwell’s kick went short. Backed up to the end of the goal line, Cromartie caught the ball and ran it out of the end zone, not stopping until he reached the other end zone 109 yards later. Although Cromartie’s return was measured at 109.88 yards, it technically remains at a mere 109, the maximum amount of yardage allowed to be gained on an 110-yard NFL field. While others have since also had 109-yard plays, Cromartie was the first and mathematically ran the longest. Incredibly, this wasn’t even the most historic thing that happened in that game — this was the same game where Adrian Peterson set the current NFL record for single-game rushing yards, with 296.
4. JUST TUCKED IT IN
Gumbel called several games that saw NFL records set or broken, with either the previous game or this one being the most memorable. This one gets the edge for me due to the drama and situation surrounding the record. Just three years ago, the Baltimore Ravens jumped out to a 13-0 lead over the Detroit Lions, who were still looking for their first win under new head coach Dan Campbell. Showing some of the fight they would become known for years later, the Lions rallied late, scoring ten straight points to take a 17-16 lead with just 1:04 remaining. The Ravens somehow converted a 4th and 19 and got the ball to Detroit’s 48-yard line. There was just enough time for Justin Tucker to attempt what would be a record 66-yard FG, though the actual distance should’ve been 71 yards, due to the referees missing a delay of game penalty on Baltimore. Tucker gave it all the leg he had, with the ball bouncing off the top of the crossbar and through the uprights, giving the Ravens the (somewhat controversial) 19-17 win.
3. HISTORY IN THE BOOTH
As mentioned earlier, arguably the biggest achievement of Gumbel’s legendary career came at Super Bowl XXXV, which saw Gumbel become the first African-American announcer to call play-by-play of a major sports championship in the U.S. The honor also led to him being just the third (and to this day one of only four) people to host a Super Bowl pregame show and do play-by-play for a Super Bowl, as well as one of a handful to do both in addition to radio broadcast duties for the Super Bowl. Such a historic honor should be in the number one spot, if only because it was the goddamn Super Bowl. However, Super Bowl XXXV was absolute dogshit for everyone who either wasn’t a Ravens fan or a Giants hater. Baltimore beat the absolute hell out of New York from the get-go, winning 34-7. Fortunately, Gumbel would get to call another Super Bowl, which would be much better (more on that in a minute). Interestingly, this also wasn’t Gumbel’s most memorable game involving the Baltimore Ravens (more on that right now).
2. A MILE HIGH MIRACLE
Each time the Baltimore Ravens have won the Super Bowl, Gumbel has been behind the mic in some way, shape, or form. While Gumbel was in the booth for the actual Super Bowl the first time, the second time saw him doing play-by-play duties for the game that changed the entire trajectory for every team left in the playoffs leading up to Super Bowl XLVII. That game, of course, was the Divisional Round showdown between the Ravens and Denver Broncos, who were led by a returning Peyton Manning and by far the favorites to win it all. It seemed like the Broncos would take the first step towards doing just that, up 35-28 with less than a minute left and the Ravens far from the end zone. But then Joe Flacco lofted a pass that went over Rahim Moore and right to Jacoby Jones, who tied the game with a 70-yard TD. Baltimore would end up winning 38-35 in 2OT. The game remains the fourth-longest in NFL history, the most recent NFL game to go to double overtime, and arguably the greatest game of the entire 2010s decade.
1. AN UNDERRATED TITLE FIGHT
When it comes to the discussion of “Best Super Bowl Ever,” we get oldies like XIII, XXIII, XXV, and XXXIV, modern classics like XLIII, XIX, LI, and LII, and even the last three games (LVI, LVII, LVIII). But one that doesn’t get proper recognition is Super Bowl XXXVIII, which saw the yet-unhated New England Patriots tango with the Carolina Panthers, who were going for their first ever title. Perhaps a reason this game is underrated is that both the 1st and 3rd quarters were scoreless, with neither team scoring in the first 26 minutes of game time. But consider the fact that in the final 3:05 of the first half, the Patriots and Panthers combined for 24 points. Then we have the 4th quarter, a back-and-forth 15-minute span that saw 37 points, four different ties/lead changes, and three scores in the final three minutes. That last score came after a rare out of bounds kickoff penalty that gave New England prime field position, allowing Adam Vinatieri to kick the game-winning FG and give the Patriots the 32-29 victory. Gumbel was there to call it all.
#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On January 2, 1982, the Miami Dolphins and San Diego Chargers faced off in a playoff matchup that was later dubbed the “Game No One Should Have Lost.” Going into the Divisional Round, Dolphins-Chargers was expected to be a good one. San Diego finished 10-6 and narrowly beat out the Denver Broncos for the AFC West title (and a playoff spot) by virtue of a better divisional record. Behind Dan Fouts (who threw for an NFL-record 4,802 yards and 33 TDs), Chuck Muncie (who led the league with 19 rushing TDs), Charlie Joiner, Wes Chandler, and Kellen Winslow, the Chargers led the league in scoring, passing yards, and total yards. However, San Diego’s defense was hot garbage, ranking near the bottom in points and yards allowed. By contrast, the Dolphins won their final four games of the season to swipe the AFC East title from the New York Jets, thanks in large part to their defense. Known as the “Killer Bees” due to having a lot of players whose last name started with the letter B. Miami ranked fifth in the NFL in fewest points allowed, letting up just 27 points in its final three games. However, the offense was a little shaky, thanks in part to the departure of HOF QB Bob Griese. David Woodley had a mediocre year, having to be replaced by backup Don Strock several times. Fun fact: the 1981 season remains the last time the Dolphins played in a tie game. But their 11-4-1 record was good enough to let them play host for the Divisional Round. This would prove crucial, with temperatures in Miami reaching as high as 88 degrees during the game.
Somehow, the action on the field ended up being even hotter, though only one team could claim that at the start. That would be the Chargers, who marched down the field and got on the board with a 32-yard FG. San Diego’s defense then made a surprising stand to force a three-and-out from Miami. Chandler returned the punt 58 yards for a TD to increase San Diego’s lead to 10-0. On the ensuing kickoff, the Chargers got incredible luck when the ball bounced back towards them on a short kick, allowing them to recover the non-onside onside kick. Muncie punched the ball in a few plays later to make it 17-0. On the Dolphins’ next drive, Woodley was picked off, with the Chargers taking advantage of the short field with a Fouts TD pass to take a seemingly insurmountable 24-0 lead. The deficit seemed like it would grow after Miami’s next drive resulted in two sacks and a recovered fumble. However, after San Diego was forced to punt, Strock was inserted into the game and led the Dolphins down the field for a FG early in the 2nd quarter. Miami’s momentum continued to grow when the defense forced a fumble from Fouts, which the Dolphins recovered. A few plays later, Strock found Joe Rose in the end zone to make it 24-10. San Diego had a chance to extend its lead, but Rolf Benirschke missed a 55-yard FG. Miami tried to move the ball, but were only at the Chargers’ 40-yard line with just six seconds left in the half. Naturally, the Dolphins executed a hook and lateral, with Strock throwing a pass to Duriel Harris, who lateraled it to Tony Nathan, who went untouched for the improbable TD. What seemed like a rout had turned into a 24-17 contest at halftime.
Miami’s good vibes continued to start the second half, with Strock hitting Rose again to tie the game at 24-24. But San Diego finally got itself into gear, with Fouts hitting Winslow for a 25-yard TD pass to retake the lead. Miami came right back, with Strock throwing a 50-yard bomb to Bruce Hardy to tie the score again 31-31. Late in the third quarter, Joiner slipped while running a route, leading to an INT for the Dolphins, who took their first lead of the game on the first play of the fourth quarter with a TD run by Nathan. It would be the Chargers defense who stepped up later in the quarter, forcing a fumble from Andra Franklin and recovering the ball. With just over a minute left to play, San Diego had the ball close to the end zone, but the Dolphins’ pass rush forced a wild throw from Fouts. The ball sailed over Winslow’s head, but was caught by James Brooks (who was actually just supposed to block on the play) in the end zone. With the score tied again, Miami drove down the field and seemed poised to kick a 43-yard, game-winning FG. But, Winslow was able to block the kick and send the game to OT. With both teams exhausted and dehydrated, things got even crazier in the extra frame. San Diego looked like the sure winners with a 27-yard FG attempt, only for a bad snap and poor hold to result in a miss. Miami then had their second shot at a winning kick, but for the second time in a matter of minutes, Uwe von Schamann had his attempt blocked, this time by Leroy Jones. The Chargers drove down the field one more time, settling for a 29-yard FG attempt. This time, the ball actually went through the uprights, giving San Diego the 41-38 win with just over a minute left in OT.
The game — since named the “Epic in Miami” — was instantly hailed as arguably the best game in NFL history and has since remained in rarified air, being regularly ranked among the Top 5 greatest games to this day. The game saw several records, including most combined points (79), total yards (1,036), and passing yards (809) in a playoff game. Both Fouts and Strock threw for over 400 yards and combined for seven TDs, with Strock’s four scores remaining a record for a QB coming off the bench. Perhaps the best effort was by Winslow, who finished with 13 catches for 166 yards and a TD (and a blocked FG) despite suffering a pinched nerve, dehydration, cramps, and a cut on his lower lip that required three stitches. The image of an exhausted Winslow being helped off the field by two teammates endures in NFL lore. Winslow and the Chargers had a week to rest before the AFC Championship Game against the Bengals, but no amount of time could prepare them for what they had to face. In stark contrast to warm Miami, Cincinnati was bone-chilling at -9 degrees, with a wind chill of -59 degrees making it the coldest game in NFL history (for the record, that’s a one-week game temperature difference of well over 100 degrees). Unlike in the previous week, San Diego could not endure this extreme, losing 27-7 in what would become known as the Freezer Bowl. Many experts consider this Chargers squad among the best in NFL history to never win a Super Bowl. But even if San Diego had gotten past Cincinnati, Joe Montana and the San Francisco 49ers were waiting in Super Bowl XVI, so they would’ve had to overcome multiple major hurdles.
Both San Diego and Miami remained strong in the 1982 season, which was unlike most that came before or have come since. A players strike canceled nearly half the season, leading to each team playing a nine-game schedule (and an honest to god K, Mark Moseley, being named NFL MVP). The Chargers and Dolphins each made the playoffs and advanced to the second round, where they would face off in a rematch, right back at the Orange Bowl. But unlike the year before, Woodley played well (continuing his 1982 redemption tour) and Miami easily took care of San Diego 34-13. The Dolphins would defeat the New York Jets in the AFC title game to advance to Super Bowl XVII, which they would lose to Washington. 1982 would mark the end of an era for both Miami and San Diego. The loss to Miami would be the final playoff game for Fouts, Winslow, Joiner, and head coach Don Coryell, while the Chargers wouldn’t return to the playoffs until 1992. 1983 would see the Dolphins move on from Woodley, who lost his starting spot to a rookie named Dan Marino. Under Marino, Miami would return to the Super Bowl in 1984, though the aforementioned Montana and the 49ers proved to be too much. To date, the Dolphins have yet to return to the Super Bowl. Woodley and Strock would end their careers as backups, though the latter remains one of the highest-rates backups of all-time. These two franchises remain forever linked by their epic clash 42 years ago, which (fun fact) was one of the final assignments at NBC Sports for anchor Bryant Gumbel — he would begin co-hosting Today (where he would remain for 15 years) two days after the game.
OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:
— 2023: Buffalo Bills safety Damar Hamlin collapses in cardiac arrest after tackling Tee Higgins, later being revived by CPR, with the incident forcing the cancellation of the rest of the game
— 1983: Ken Anderson completes his final 20 passes to lead the Cincinnati Bengals to a 35-27 win over the Houston Oilers, while finishing the season with a completion rate above 70%
— 1966: The Green Bay Packers defeat the Cleveland Browns 23-12 in the first NFL Championship Game televised in color, and the last before the start of the Super Bowl era
STATS OF THE MONTH
I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a more fun team to watch than the Detroit Lions. They might be too injured on defense to make or win the Super Bowl, but goddamn I’m rooting for them to finally win it all. Also, this might be their last season with Ben Johnson, who’s going to make a truckload of money as a head coach next season.
14 wins for a Wild Card berth. That is insane. At the very least the first playoff game should be against whoever wins the NFC South, so it’s like a bye. Then again, Baker Mayfield has been slingin’ it and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are the only team to beat both the Loins and Philadelphia Eagles this season.
This might be a future newsletter deep dive, but the Indianapolis Colts have been an incredibly underrated franchise in terms of fucking things up. Peyton Manning and that Super Bowl XLI win have done a lot of heavy lifting, and that title is nearly 20 years old at this point.
Perhaps no championship has done more heavy lifting than Super Bowl XX. No wonder why Bears fans revere that 1985 team so much — where the hell would Chicago be without it? Let’s not forget that at one point this season, the Bears were 4-2 and were about to become 5-2 with a last-minute win over the Washington Commanders. Then a Hail Mary changed that win to a loss, now one of ten in a row for Chicago. Caleb Williams has shown signs of talent despite being part of such a mediocre franchise, but his struggles have also been apparent. Even so, Williams did etch himself in Bears history, having tied the all-time record for most seasons starting 16 games at QB… with one. Seriously. Even more incredible: Williams’ season is Top 5 in Bears history when it comes to passing yards. Chicago: where “QB” doesn’t have success unless it’s reversed and has an extra “B” in front of it.
The Bengals have been around since 1968, and this is the first time they’ve scored an OT TD. Insane. What’s even more insane is Joe Burrow’s aforementioned MVP-worthy season probably going to waste. Burrow and his WRs are dragging Cincinnati towards an unbelievable playoff berth, which will probably end when the Denver Broncos take advantage of Pat Mahomes resting this weekend. Given Tee Higgins’ contract status, this might be the last time this Bengals offense gets to show its thing. With the way Burrow is playing, that’s a damn shame. Still, Tee Higgins deserves to get paid, though I might be biased.
🙂
ONE LAST THING
Another fantasy football season has come and gone, and with another ending comes another beginning. We live in 2025 now, which means things like hoverboards, self-driving cars, the Star Wars sequel trilogy, Left Shark, and Jameis Winston’s NFL career are now ten years old. But before we embark on the final 364 days of the year, let’s look back at the 365 days that made up 2024.
For many of us, a lot of shit happened in 2024. Aly, Ewing, and Nick became parents. Ewing had a terrifying medical scare, for which he only got a scar and a gift basket from Jimmy and I. Kyle got engaged. Aly and Ewing moved to SoCal, with Richard announcing plans to follow. Chriss moved into a new apartment. Riaz and Arik did a bunch of traveling. Emilio and Dad got to see their children get bigger, although in Dad’s case that’s not a good thing.
As for me, 2024 was a year of extremes. While for the most part I was personally okay, my family went through some extremely difficult moments, most of which I could do nothing but watch as my loved ones struggled and suffered. The lowest point came this past spring, when my grandfather died. He had been battling medical issues for several years and many family members took solace in the fact that he was no longer in pain. But goddamn does it hurt to not have him around anymore. When it comes to work, I signed a new two-year deal, which has made the various bullshit I’ve dealt with before and since then especially difficult to deal with. I’ve also spent the past month without a car, with the wires inside my previous car essentially corroding so badly that the cost to fix and replace them would be half of what I paid for the car in the first place. So I scrapped it, but finding a replacement has been a bitch. At least my winnings will be able to knock off a few car payments whenever I do get a new ride. There was also an attempt to achieve a big goal of mine that failed, but I’ll go into further detail about that next year, hopefully.
At the same time, 2024 was also the year where I achieved one of my life’s biggest goals: stepping foot on all seven continents. That week or so that I spent in Antarctica and the Drake Passage was one of the happiest time periods of my life, so much so that I actually cried on my flight home due to that period being over. Part of that happiness came from making several new friends during that trip. I would later go on another trip with those friends, enjoying my time with them so much that I actually had a good experience in Morocco. I also got some much-needed redemption when it came to Morocco, as well as Barcelona, while adding Andorra and Portugal to the list of countries I’ve visited. That aforementioned new work contract also came with a promotion and a raise, which will look good on my resume and in my bank account. The latter also got a boost from what we’re going to call an unexpected bonus, one that essentially let me afford that trip to Europe and Morocco. I also took a mid-summer trip to two new destinations in Denver and St. Louis. In both places, I crossed off MLB stadiums and greatly enjoyed myself. I’ve also now visited half of the states, an important milestone in my travel life given my general focus on international travel over the past decade.
As for what 2025 may bring, I’m both scared for some of those personal situations and optimistic that some of them will improve. I’m also eager to finally get a new car, which will aid my efforts to get one more major goal out of the way. Of course, travel will be a big part of my plans for the new year, including new steps towards crossing off the remaining parts of another list. I’ve determined a potential path over the next two years that would let me complete the dream of seeing a game at all 30 MLB stadiums. Again, that’s a plan to go from my current number of 21 to 30 within the next two seasons. That may seem like a lot, because it is. But I’ve got a plan, just trust me. I also have a plan to reunite with my Antarctica travel buddies, this time in the place where my travel began: Japan. South Korea may also be involved.
Of course, I also plan to spend a notable part of 2025 with you fuckers, starting with the second edition of Trivia Night. Again, that will be held on Saturday, January 25 at 1 p.m. at my place in Elk Grove. While I think the previous Trivia Night went well, I’ve learned lessons and plan to make things a bit more streamlined, with things being over by 4 p.m. at the absolute latest. I look forward to seeing as many of you as possible, as we officially bring an end to the fantasy season with the ceremonial crowning of the new champion.
Oh wait, that’s me!
Yeah, this feels pretty damn good to be back on top of the Epic League. Much like 2019’s title made the previous year’s narrow defeat easier to swallow, the 2024 title makes me a little less mad about 2022. Plus, a second championship officially means that the first one was not a fluke — I did it once and now I’ve done it again. This also ties me with Gee, Taylor, and three members of the Ewing family. Technically, I’m the only multiple-time champion whose last name isn’t Ewing and whose first name doesn’t start with a “T.” Having the trophy back in my possession also allows me to make some much-needed adjustments, allowing it to get a second layer on the bottom, complete with room for my name (again), as well as Aly’s.
Quite frankly, I’m not sure why everyone was rooting against me in the Epic Bowl. After all, we had a pretty good time the last time I was champion, right? Let’s see… the last time I won the Epic Bowl, the Kansas City Chiefs won the Super Bowl, a major sports team moved away from the city of Oakland, the Raiders had one of the worst draft classes in NFL history, an orange man did a bunch of stupid shit as president, and the world was shut down by a pandemic that began with a virus that started the year before. Surely that won’t happen again, right?
Right?
…..
…
…..
………..oh god WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?!?!
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
2019 & 2024 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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