Holy shit, the season’s here already?! Where has the time gone? The last thing I can remember is the Raiders drafting Ashton Jeanty. Ever since then I’ve been in my room watching Jeanty’s college highlights, plus that time he sent Deommodore Lenoir to the shadow realm.
That’s not entirely true. I also took a trip this summer to get several more MLB ballparks off my list. I knocked off Atlanta, five years after I first visited, finally crossed the largest U.S. city I had never been to (Chicago) off the list, and added Milwaukee as well. As such, a few quick ballpark reviews are in order.
TRUIST PARK: Flanked by the perhaps more popular Battery Atlanta, Truist Park is an all-around incredibly solid ballpark that has plenty to offer on its own. The home of the Braves is also a representation of Georgia’s capital and largest city — from the delicious food and regional staples to the rapid growth and traffic that comes with it. If you’re going to this venue, make it an event — enjoy yourself at one of the many bars and restaurants outside, before remembering you’re actually there to watch baseball. Whatever you choose, you’ll be in for a good time.
WRIGLEY FIELD: The second-oldest ballpark in MLB definitely feels that way in some areas. However, crucially, Wrigley Field feels like a physical manifestation of baseball itself, in all of the best ways. The home of the Cubs has a vibe/aura around it like few other venues in the world, made up by both the incredible history seeping from every pore and the raucous fans who pack the house on a daily basis. This place has plenty of hype around it — it’s been confirmed that all of that hype is not only warranted, but arguably surpassed by the actual experience.
AMERICAN FAMILY FIELD: Perhaps no other ballpark truly represents its home team, city, or state better than American Family Field. While the Brewers haven’t done a lot of historic winning, the ball club’s home makes up for that deficit in spades. The venue itself — slightly by itself in the greater Milwaukee area — is fantastic and provides arguably the best lighting in MLB. Though nothing stands out concession-wise, there’s still plenty of solid options and (of course) a great beer menu to help get crowds of passionate fans through the pain.
RATE FIELD: Well, they can’t all be winners. Rate Field leaves a lot to be desired, with its basic looks being among its better features. The venue is tough to navigate if you’re not sitting on the first level, has average amenities, offers an overall underwhelming menu, and overall does little to impress visitors — all while not being in the best part of Chicago. The home of the White Sox reminds me of the former home of the A’s, with the club’s passionate fans embracing the roughness of the area as part of their culture. That’s probably the best thing I can say about it.
With these four — plus Daikin Park in Houston from back in April — I’m now up to 26 ballparks. Only four more — Kauffman Stadium (Royals), Target Field (Twins), PNC Park (Pirates), and Great American Ball Park (Reds) — to go, and the goal is to get them all done before the end of next season!
Another funny thing happened this summer — the promotion I had been angling for over the past few years has finally happened! I’m now the Dayside Executive Producer at the station, meaning I oversee the production of the 4, 5, and 6 p.m. newscasts (and sort of the 7 p.m. as well). I’m also a manager now, which is terrifying. This will all probably make it a bit tougher to get time off, though quite frankly I’ve got enough tenure to do what I want if I give them enough time to react. My travels stop for no one, especially over the next couple of months.
I also took a drive to the trophy shop to finally get the trophy upgraded. Having run out of spaces to put new winners, a second base has been added to the bottom, which should keep us going through the 2038 season, when we will mostly be… almost 50.
Anyway, for those who didn’t get to attend the draft, here’s what it looks like.
As for the other major prize this season, I also picked it up from my travels, specifically from the National Bobblehead Hall of Fame and Museum in Milwaukee. Whoever finishes with the most points in the regular season will receive a Pabst Blue Ribbon Cool Blue Football Bobblehead! It’s like we’re back in the Press Club days.
Speaking of throwbacks, I’m addressing the last place punishment here and now. Despite everyone and their mother sending me ideas for last place punishments in the offseason, when it came to actually determining last year’s punishment, it seemed to be easier to pull out everyone’s teeth instead. Then, even after narrowing it down to the beer mile, the actual process of doing the punishment was unsatisfying to say the least. I’m not saying Richard didn’t do it. I am saying Richard half-assed it so poorly that it was more like quarter-assed at best. I’m not happy, and I refuse to let that be the first example of a last place punishment. Before we can move on to do other, more unique punishments, we have to do the first one properly. So we’re going to run it back — once again, the person who finishes last place this season will be tasked with doing a beer mile — documented with photos/video and preferably with other league members in attendance — before the 2026 fantasy draft, lest they forfeit their first round draft pick. To whoever finishes last, don’t bitch out and take the pick forfeit, or blow it off and then become insufferable when asked to do something you said you would.
There will be two exceptions to this year’s punishment eligibility: Richard and Dad. Richard had his chance at the beer mile — if he finishes last this year, he’ll have to buy and put a license plate frame reading “I suck at fantasy football” on his car until the 2026 fantasy draft. I will go to LA and screw the frame on myself if I have to. As for Dad, he’s twice our age, doesn’t drink, and just got knee replacement surgery, meaning he can barely walk. So if he finishes in last place, not only will his car don the license plate frame, but I will run the beer mile in his stead.
I just gave myself a 1/6 chance of running a beer mile next year. That’s how committed I am to adding another fun element to our league. Let’s see if you feel the same.
We also need to get the last place trophy back. Once upon a time, I thought that being forced to hold a literal giant “L” would be enough punishment for finishing last place in the league. But then Riaz decided to hold it for almost two years, letting Richard get away from his earned pain (if I ever finished last I would drive straight to the new lowest finisher the second it got confirmed and throw the trophy at their front door).
Perhaps the only worse position to finish in than last is second, something Chriss only knows all too well. Now, it seems like Chriss is trying to gain every advantage he can to finally take home the trophy. That includes engagement voodoo.
In all seriousness, congrats to Chriss and Taylor on their engagement! Of course, I’d be mistaken to say Chriss is the only one trying to use these special powers to get an advantage. Arik and Patty are expecting, meaning soon literally half the league will be parents. Both engagement and pregnancy voodoo have worked in the past — can Chriss or Arik use either to join the list of Epic League champions?
As for the other parents, Nick, Aly, Ewing, and Emilio probably used the summer to spend time with their children instead of studying for the season, which I guess explains some of their draft decisions. In addition, Emilio — as well as Jimmy — decided to throw some last-minute name changes at me, after I had basically written the whole newsletter. Well screw you guys, I made too many good jokes with the draft recap to change it now.
Of course, I’m simply grateful to begin the season with Dad still by my side. The past year has given me a lot of perspective and has certainly tested Dad physically, spiritually, and mentally. Still, he continues to fight on, determined to one day actually win the Epic League. While I try not to get too heavy here, there were some moments where I was worried that Dad wouldn’t make it to this point. But not only have we reached another season, today is Dad’s 63rd birthday. In his honor, I figured a fatherly theme was in store for this newsletter. Plus, it’s a reminder to all of you that, as your reigning champion, I am your daddy.
DRAFT RECAP
FRANK BUTTERMAN “THE GREATER GOOD” AWARD
In a matter of minutes, calls “rigged” turned into screams of “what?” as the draft began. For the third time in league history, I lucked into the first overall pick. In 2014, I picked Adrian Peterson. Three years later, I picked David Johnson. Both played one game before missing the rest of the season due to suspension/injury. In other words: the first pick is cursed whenever I get it. Having realized this, I knew that I had to be careful whenever I got the top spot again. For years, Pat Mahomes and the Chiefs have ruled the NFL. In order to stop their reign and bring balance back to football, I had to put the curse on Mahomes. Even if it costs the Antarcticans a chance to go back-to-back, it’s like Police Inspector Frank Butterman said in Hot Fuzz — for the greater good.
BILL FINGER/DICK SPRANG “PLENTY OF QUESTIONS” AWARD
Yahoo! really didn’t like most of our drafts. Only three teams were given an A grade and no one got a B. Out of four C’s and five D’s, Arik has the dubious honor of receiving the lowest grade in the league. On the surface, Geno 911’s D- may be surprising. But looking deeper, you can kind of see where the A.I. was coming from. On paper, the likes of CeeDee Lamb, Kyren Williams, David Montgomery, Baker Mayfield, Tyreek Hill, and James Conner seem at worst solid and at best a strong team. But each has some notable questions around them, be it individually or because of their teams. No fictional character is more synonymous with questions than the Riddler, who was created by Bill Finger and Dick Sprang. Look, these can’t all be winners — much like Arik’s draft.
FORREST GUMP “A LOT OF RUNNING” AWARD
Of the three positive grades, the only A+ went to Nick, who Yahoo! thinks will still finish only in third place. It was clear that Nick had a strategy when loading up the Let Me Whisper in Jahmyr lineup: take every RB possible, especially if they currently play or used to play for the Raiders. Four of Nick’s first six picks were RBs — Ashton Jeanty, Josh Jacobs, Kaleb Johnson, and Jordan Mason. But despite investing more time in running than Forrest Gump and not taking anyone other than a RB or WR until the 7th round, Nick still managed to get a solid roster full of players who either get to take advantage of a weak schedule or weak division. Could Nick actually live up to the hype this season, or will that hype make the inevitable collapse even more disappointing?
DAN TAYLOR “NOT A LOT OF RUNNING” AWARD
Crass joke about Forrest Gump’s wheelchair-bound platoon leader (Lt. Dan Taylor) aside, Aly was definitely the Yin to Nick’s Yang when it comes to draft strategy. It didn’t seem that way at first, with Aly taking advantage of me committing to the bit by drafting Derek Henry. But unlike Nick, Aly’s second RB wasn’t selected until the 15th round (168 picks later), when Ray Davis was made the most unlikely starter. On the other hand, after taking Josh Allen (who might as well automatically be put on Queen’s Gambit’s roster each year at this point), six of Aly’s next seven picks were WRs. Such an imbalance of talent cannot be found outside of the difference between the Bengals’ offense and defense. Still, we’ve questioned Aly and been proven wrong before…
BUCKY MCBADBAT “WORST PLAYER” AWARD
Speaking of (allegedly) running a lot, Richard invested early in the running game — three out his first four picks were RBs. But will that strategy be enough to keep the Krispy Kritters from making dubious history? No one in Epic League history has finished in last place in three straight seasons. Richard has gone back-to-back, with an unwanted three-peat potentially cementing him as the worst player the league has ever seen, much like Bucky McBadbat (father of Chester) is the worst player in baseball history (at least in The Fairly OddParents universe). To avoid this fate, Richard must rely on a team was given the third-worst draft rating by Yahoo! Still, at least Richard can take solace in not being the only one hoping to avoid an unfortunate three-peat.
TIM RUSSERT “LIFE CALLED BUFFALO” AWARD
For everybody but Dad (who’s actually heard of him), Tim Russert was a popular TV journalist and longtime political commentator with Meet the Press, The Today Show, and Hardball. But he was also a massive Buffalo Bills fan, know largely for his “Life Called Buffalo” remarks and his unwavering belief that his team would finally win the Super Bowl. When it comes to the Epic League, Chriss is halfway to becoming our Buffalo Bills, having lost the past two Epic Bowls. Chriss is even more invested now, having transformed Well Damn into the well-meaning but technically incorrect Third Time’s A Charm. Here’s some good news for Chriss — the last person to lose back-to-back Epic Bowls in it the following year. Maybe the third time will be THE charm.
ALEX JONES “45 DAYS LATER” AWARD
For reference: noted lunatic Alex Jones once advertised a supplement with this image, which quickly became a meme when everyone with eyes noticed Jones’ physique didn’t change at all. On an unrelated note, Emilio’s team is no longer Velvet Thunder (nor is it Bijan Mustard — a much better name), but Velvet Thunder 2.0. Last year, Emilio squandered what looked to be a solid playoff spot and ended up as the ninth-best team in an eight-team postseason. So what does the “2.0” version of that squad look like? It’s the recipient of the second-worst draft grade from Yahoo! and projected to miss the playoffs again. That’s not entirely encouraging, but Yahoo!’s been wrong before. Still, Emilio seems to have a lot of work in front of him to prove everyone wrong.
BOB SANDERS “GREAT BUT INJURED” AWARD
If Yahoo! is accurate, these next four teams will make up the middle of the pack this season. Riaz is used to being in this fringe playoff position, but he’s looking to take the next step this year. Looking at his roster, the talent is definitely there — at least on paper. However, that paper also includes medical bills. George Kittle, Isiah Pacheco, Mike Evans, J.K. Dobbins, Kyler Murray, and Cooper Kupp have all been incredibly productive at their best. But they’ve also missed major time due to significant injuries in recent years. It reminds me of Bob Sanders (who is a father) — a HOF-worthy player who could never stay healthy. If Riaz’s roster remains intact, Footballbamus could be a dark horse title contender. But if the wheels fall off, it could be another long year.
MICHAEL SCOTT “BUY HIGH” AWARD
Michael Scott is a business enigma — he’s a terrific salesman but a questionable (at best) businessman. He’d probably buy high and sell low, which is what Jimmy seemingly did with his draft. Saquon Barkley, Lamar Jackson, Trey McBride, and Jakobi Meyers all had career years last year and should be good for Hog Wild this year. But, they’re all surely due for a decline of some kind, which could set Jimmy’s fortunes back. Like Scott in the famous episode of The Office that bears his last name, Jimmy also apparently likes to invest in the future, taking young players like RJ Harvey, Matthew Golden, Ricky Pearsall, Dylan Sampson, and Drake Maye. It’s been a long time since Scott’s been relevant, like it’s been a long time since Jimmy won the league title.
BATMAN/JOKER “DESTINED TO DO THIS FOREVER” AWARD
As Kyle and I prepare to face off this weekend, I’m reminded of the famous quote from The Dark Knight, about Batman and the Joker (both fathers in the comics) being “destined” to face each other forever. I draft Pat Mahomes to complete the joke, Kyle takes Travis Kelce. I take one of his players from last year (Puka Nakua), he takes the QB from my favorite team (Geno Smith). We’re also set to play each other twice this year, meaning even more stress. It’s also worth mentioning that Don’t Draft and Drive (telling on yourself?) also didn’t do one more thing starting this the letter “D” — draft defense. It seems Kyle is destined to do that — along with leaning towards young unproven talent and taking at least one QB/WR combo from the same team — forever as well.
JERRY SMITH “SEEMINGLY BLAND” AWARD
Last year could not have gone worse for Ewing — I beat him twice, he missed the playoffs, and I won the league. In trying to turn the tide back in his favor, Ewing has assembled a roster that, at least on paper, I have the least to talk about. I mean, Jalen Hurts could have a Super Bowl hangover, Jonathan Taylor could get a huge boost from a lack of a Colts passing game, and Malik Nabers may break out with Daniel Jones no longer on his team. But honestly, the Three Eyed Ravens roster is kind of bland. At least, it seems that way. It’s like Jerry Smith seems like the bland dad in Rick & Morty, only for some of the most insane episodes to center around his arc as a character. Maybe that’ll be the same with Ewing. Maybe I’ll put belt to ass again. Who knows?
DUSTY RHODES “HARD TIMES” AWARD
As mentioned above, Dad has gone through some hard times this year. But perhaps no greater challenge sits in front of him than finally winning the Epic League. One fellow father who knew a lot about hard times and coming up just short of the ultimate prize was Dusty Rhodes. Despite never having quite the look and being forced to overcome unfair obstacles, The American Dream became one of the greatest and most beloved wrestlers of all-time, though he sadly never won the WWE title. Can Dad do what Dusty never did, or will Bone 2 Bone fall short of expectations once again this year? One other reason Dad gets the Dusty comparison: he, like Rhodes, sired the reigning champion. That’s right, Cody finally got his title back, baby! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!
MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT
Geno Smith didn’t even wait until kickoff to endear himself to Raiders fans.
Flash back to this point last year. The Raiders had missed out on the six (SIX) top QB prospects in the draft and were entering the season after a washed up Gardner Minshew had “won” a dreadful preseason battle with Aidan O’Connell. Josh Jacobs had just left a massive hole in the backfield and Davante Adams was all but begging to be traded to the New York Jets. The defense — which shone brightly towards the end of the year — was expected to at least keep Las Vegas in games, thanks in part to the work of Antonio Pierce, who was getting the reins for the first time. I had little to feel excited about regarding my favorite football team and made it known that it felt like they were just punting away the season. Then, after the season somehow went worse than expected, the Raiders still didn’t do bad enough to be guaranteed a shot at the most solid QB prospect in the upcoming draft. Seemingly, 2025 was going to be another year that would be punted in the hopes of salvaging something for the future.
Instead, I’m having a tough time suppressing that dreaded “O” word — I mean I still am, due to my pessimism training as a Raiders fan. But the difference between 2024 and 2025 is night and day. Instead of a rookie, Las Vegas has a Super Bowl champion and proven good coach in Pete Carroll, arguably (depending on how you feel about 2016 Derek Carr) the best QB the franchise has seen since Rich Gannon in Geno Smith, and the most exciting RB prospect since probably Adrian Peterson in Ashton Jeanty. While the defense definitely still needs some work, the Raiders will actually be watchable this season, with a much-improved offense potentially taking advantage of a weak schedule, at least compared to the rest of the AFC West.
For those thinking of the Raiders sneaking into the playoffs, consider this: the AFC is pretty crowded. Getting enough wins from the division will be tough on its own, given the Chiefs are the Chiefs and both the Chargers and Broncos made the playoffs last year and will likely improve this season. While the Bills will almost certainly rule the AFC East, the Dolphins will probably do enough to remain in playoff contention. The Ravens are probably a lock for the AFC North, but the Steelers and Bengals will be tough outs. Someone from the AFC South has to make it, but another team could fuck around and make things interesting. Assuming they don’t and we get one AFC South playoff team — not to mention there being no other surprises like the Jets or Patriots suddenly improving — that’s still nine teams at least in contention for the postseason, meaning the Raiders will have to beat out at least three of them. Some of that may come down to scheduling, but there are way too many new pieces for me to feel confident about Las Vegas’ chances against them.
Still, there’s still plenty of reasons for op… (clears throat) opti… optim… (come on Ruben, you can do this)… optimism for the Raiders. If the Silver & Black click on offense, Jeanty gives the NFL its “welcome to me” moment, and the defense does enough to seal wins, and the Raiders actually make the playoffs, it’s all obviously a win. But even if the Raiders don’t make it to the promised land, they’re practically guaranteed to be better than last year and a better draft pick will do wonders going into a much more loaded draft class, where they will (presumably) select Smith’s eventual successor. Plus, it would also give more time to address the WR and defensive weaknesses and for Jeanty to shake off his rookieness.
Yeah, I’d say the Raiders had a pretty good offseason. Nothing bad happened at all. Nope…
… nothing at all.
Oddly, I’m going into this season the same way I was at this point last year — with one eye already on next season. But I’m looking at the same destination in a different light. At least, I’m actually looking forward to watching the Raiders play this season. Although if Smith sucks and Jeanty looks like a bust I will be going back into my Joker phase.
Wait, what do you mean Jakobi Meyers requested a trade? WE’RE ABOUT TO START THE REGULAR SEASON?!?
Wait, what do you mean Amari Cooper is back?!? And we signed Kenny Pickett?!? I just finished this goddamn section!
WHY CAN’T WE HAVE A NORMAL OFFSEASON FOR ONCE?!?!?!?!?!!?!?
Surely, this has to be the craziest thing that happened right before the season…
STAT OF THE MONTH
News of the Micah Parsons trade broke at 2 p.m. on Thursday, August 28. I happen to follow a group of sports (specifically football) YouTubers — which include Cowboys fan Scooter Magruder and Packers fan Tom Grossi — who stream together on Thursdays at 2:05 p.m. Needless to say, they found out right before they went on air and their reactions were captured at the start of the stream. I can’t help but imagine Richard in Scooter’s position and Emilio in Tom’s position. Scooter wearing a Parsons jersey was icing on the cake.
This is both the most shocking and potentially consequential trade involving a defensive player since one seven years ago that will not be named. The fact that this happened literally a week ago (and therefore a week before the start of the season) is even more insane. Not since Andrew Luck’s retirement has an announcement rocked the NFL landscape this much this close to the regular season. Considering both aspects, this move may be truly unprecedented.
There are some legitimate concerns about Parsons, mainly regarding his back injury and if he’ll maintain his insane production while adjusting to a new roster/system. Regardless, Parsons elevates Green Bay up a tier from dark horse options to legitimate Super Bowl contenders. The Packers’ defense was already a solid unit. While the loss of Kenny Clark is notable, Parson is arguably an upgrade against the run and unquestionably an upgrade against the pass. Plus, Green Bay didn’t have to give up any of Rashan Gary, Quay Walker, or Lukas Van Ness. That defense is now in the top tier of the NFL and could be the kind of defense that can carry a team with a QB below Jordan Love’s skill level to a deep playoff run. The pressure is now on the offense, with Love looking to progress even further thanks to the addition of Matthew Golden and another year working with Josh Jacobs.
There are five teams in the NFC that could stop the Packers from making that step immediately. The Philadelphia Eagles are the favorite to reach the Super Bowl until proven otherwise at this point. Then we have the San Francisco 49ers, who — even when injured — are seemingly Green Bay’s kryptonite. Of course, the Packers play in arguably the toughest division in the NFL, with the Detroit Lions and Minnesota Vikings likely being contenders again this season. Finally, the last team is the Packers themselves. In many of their biggest losses in recent years — including the playoffs — unforced errors have led to their downfall, especially in close games. That mental battle will probably be the biggest, even with Parsons on the roster.
Notice how I didn’t mention the Bears, even with Ben Johnson at the helm. Let’s just say Chicago is still figuring a few things out first.
When it comes to the Cowboys, this trade makes no goddamn sense. I’m far from the only person with this scorching take, but it bears repeating that Dallas has a ceiling on its potential as long as Jerry Jones remains in charge of football operations. The fact that this wasn’t the first time Jones had prolonged talks with players, so much so that the market gets reset thanks to other teams getting deals done, costing him more money in the process, should be enough proof that Jones’ old school business tactics are out of touch in today’s NFL. It’s tough to believe everything about closed-door discussions that come out after the fact, with the truth usually somewhere in between. But it’s tougher to believe Jones when he constantly contradicts himself in press conferences and interviews, so much so that even the yes men he’s surrounded himself with can’t do enough damage control. If I was a Cowboys fan hearing that press conference, I would’ve torn my hair out. Then, Jones went ahead days later and gave DaRon Bland nearly $100M. People are comparing Jones to late-life Al Davis — that’s how bad things are in Dallas. Hell, people are actively debating which Dallas sports GM made the worse trade, Jones or Nico Harrison. At least Harrison got bailed out by getting Cooper Flagg with the totally not rigged No. 1 overall pick. The two picks the Cowboys got from Green Bay will likely be in the 20’s at best. If everything works out to the most ideal level, those picks could turn out to be as good as the player they already had, a fact that Jones stated without a hint of irony.
That includes their on-field success. Last year, Dallas’ defense wasn’t exactly top tier, only ranking among the NFL’s best when it comes to sacks. A huge part of that is now gone with the departure of Parsons. Clark — who, again, is a good player — is nevertheless a downgrade from Parsons in every aspect. This move makes the Cowboys worse, which isn’t an ideal result given that both Dak Prescott and CeeDee Lamb were both recently paid handsomely. While Dallas has gotten unlucky with injuries in the past few seasons, they were also a Wild Card/Divisional Round squad at best before Parsons was traded. Throw in the other strong squads in the NFC — along with the aforementioned Eagles and the suddenly revamped Washington Commanders in their own division — and barring amazing performances on offense (which lacks a proven RB) I don’t see any way Dallas makes the playoffs. That could be the case for the next few years, with those contracts — both given and not given — looking worse each season.
Despite the turmoil, as long as the Cowboys remain a strong brand and continue to rake in the cash, nothing will change at the top. Sometimes, it’s best to know when to step down before you get too old and the game passes you by. Speaking of…
BTW he would’ve actually been 56 when she was seven.
#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On September 4, 1988, the Grand Canyon State officially entered the NFL history books for the first time. While the Cardinals (founded in 1898) are the oldest continuously run pro football franchise in the country and (along with the Chicago Bears) one of just two NFL charter members still active, they haven’t always played in their current home of Arizona. In fact, they’ve played the majority of their lives in Chicago, before moving to St. Louis in 1960. This was due to both the dominance of the Bears in Chicago and the fact that team owner Violet Bidwill (who had inherited the Cardinals from her late husband, Charles) had remarried a businessman from St. Louis. The Cardinals were granted permission from MLB’s St. Louis Cardinals to keep using the name, the only time this has happened between two franchises in the same city. Shortly after the move, both Cardinals teams moved into Busch Stadium II — a cookie cutter facility of its time. However, nearly 20 years later, the stadium had already become old and antiquated. This, combined with the football Cardinals’ mediocrity during that era, caused attendance to plummet. Generally unhappy with the situation, team owner Bill Bidwill (son of Violet) sought a new home. The three options were Baltimore (which had recently lost the Colts to Indianapolis), Jacksonville, or Phoenix. The latter had been a long-desired location for the NFL, with the Philadelphia Eagles of all teams being rumored to relocate there as recently as 1984. But it would be a different bird team that would make its nest in the desert. In March of 1988, NFL owners approved the move to Arizona for the upcoming season.
Now dubbed the Phoenix Cardinals (although their home venue was Sun Devil Stadium in Tempe), Arizona’s new team wasn’t bad, per se. In fact, had they won their final game the previous season, the Cardinals would’ve snuck into the playoffs. Still, the Cardinals seemed to be forever just outside the ranks of contenders, having made just one postseason appearance since 1975 and none at all since 1982. Still, there was talent. Neil Lomax was coming off a Pro Bowl season, one where he led the NFL in passing yards. Complimented by a solid defense and other offensive weapons like Roy Green, J.T. Smith, Rob Owalt, Jay Novacek, and Ernie Jones, the Cardinals were rarely an easy out for anyone. That would be put to the test immediately, as Arizona would open up the season on the road in conditions pretty opposite to what they would be in their new home. Going into 1988, it was unclear what to make of the Cincinnati Bengals. Having gone 10-6 in 1986, Cincinnati’s record plummeted to 4-11 in 1987 as QB Boomer Esiason and head coach Sam Wyche openld feuded during the season. However, the QB and coach apparently worked out their differences in the offseason, with many predicting a bounce back in 1988. That would begin with a contest against the Cardinals, as the NFL’s first ever Arizona-based team took the field at Riverfront Stadium.
Defense would be the name of the game early, as the 1st quarter — highlighted by a goal line stand by Cincinnati on Phoenix’s first drive. But in the 2nd quarter, the Cardinals would secure the first ever lead by a team from Arizona in NFL history, with Lomax finding Stump Mitchell for a four-yard score. However, the Bengals would respond before halftime, with Esiason hitting James Brooks for a 25-yard strike that made it 7-7 at the break. The Cardinals offense stayed hot to start the second half, with Lomax connecting with Green for a 29-yard TD. But the Bengals quickly responded, with Esiason throwing a 61-yard bomb to Eddie Brown to tie the game 14-14. Cincinnati took its first lead just a few minutes into the 4th quarter with a 15-yard pass from Esiason to Mike Martin that made it 21-14. In the end, Phoenix got the ball back at its own 20-yard line with less than four minutes remaining. Lomax engineered a drive all the way to the Bengals’ one-yard line with 1:15 to go and OT seemingly looming. But then Cincinnati’s defense turned it up a notch, with Mitchell being dropped for a loss, Lomax having a pass tipped away, and Carl Zander being tackled for another loss. On 4th down, as time expired, Lomax dropped back and looked towards the end zone, only for Jason Buck to burst through the offensive line, drag Lomax to the ground, and preserve a 21-14 Bengals victory.
No one could’ve imagined it at the time, but one of these teams would reach the Super Bowl. That would be the Bengals, with the Cardinals being the first victim in an unbeaten home campaign for Cincinnati. Behind NFL MVP Esiason, Brown, and a dancing rookie RB named Ickey Woods, the Bengals won their first six games en route to a 12-4 record, the AFC Central title, and the top playoff spot in the AFC. Cincinnati would take out the Seattle Seahawks and Buffalo Bills en route to Super Bowl XXIII, where the San Francisco 49ers would cause the clock to strike midnight on the Bengals’ Cinderella season thanks to a last-minute TD pass from Joe Montana to John Taylor. Meanwhile, fans in Arizona would get used to being disappointed in Week 2, when the Cardinals lost the first ever NFL game in Phoenix to a Dallas Cowboys team that would finish 3-13. However, four straight wins and seven victories in nine games had everyone in Phoenix thinking playoffs. But the Cardinals would lose their final five games to finish 7-9. Incredibly, that would be pretty much as good as things would get during the team’s first decade in the desert, which saw just as many seasons at .500 or better as the team had name changes from “Phoenix” to “Arizona.” Ten years after they first arrived in Arizona, the Cardinals would finally reach the playoffs in 1998, defeating the defending Super Bowl champion Cowboys in the Wild Card round. That would be the only playoff win (and appearance) for Arizona for another ten years, which saw the franchise move to their current home of State Farm Stadium in Glendale. Naturally, in just their second playoff appearance in 21 years in Arizona (and second in 26 years), the Cardinals reached Super Bowl XLIII.
OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:
— 1995: Emmitt Smith puts up one of the best efforts of his career (163 yards and four TDs) as the Dallas Cowboys record a dominant 35-0 win over the New York Giants
— 1994: Tom Tupa scores the first two-point conversion in NFL history, running in a conversion for the Cleveland Browns in a 28-20 victory over the Cincinnati Bengals
— 1994: Dan Marino breaks the NFL record for games with four or more TD passes, tossing five scores as the Miami Dolphins edge out the New England Patriots 39-35
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 10 MOST INCREDIBLE PRESEASON ACHIEVEMENTS (SINCE 2000)
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that the preseason doesn’t matter, regardless of sport. The results don’t matter, so the best players generally don’t participate. At best, an unlikely player or two rises up to make the roster and the rest of the squad is warmed up and in-sync. At worst, players get hurt (sometimes for the entire season) in games that don’t count. The fact that these games don’t have an impact on the standings also means that good or bad performances often come with an asterisk (it happened in the preseason), and great efforts are often forgotten in the history books.
Given all of this, it’s rare that we get to see something extraordinary in the preseason, especially since the best players — capable of doing the extraordinary — are either not playing or not trying their hardest. So it makes it even more amazing when something spectacular does happen, and infuriating that it won’t count. Take, for example, what happened last month, when Jacksonville Jaguars K Cam Little successfully made a 70-yard FG. Not only was Little’s mark a whopping four yards longer than the official NFL record of 66 yards set by Justin Tucker in 2021 (which would be the largest jump in the record since 1970), but breaking the 70-yard barrier is something many people didn’t think was physically possible. Still, because it’s the preseason, Tucker remains the official record holder and Little can at best hope for another shot at 70 in the regular season.
This got me thinking — what kind of amazing, incredible, or potentially record-breaking marks have we seen in the preseason, that have since been relegated to history because, you know, they happened in the preseason? That’s what I have compiled below. Full disclosure: this list only covers events that have happened since 2000. This is largely because data and records from the preseason is surprisingly hard to find. Going back to eras which already have issues with true historical accuracy in documentation due to technology at the time and trying to find statistics from games that don’t count is often a fool’s errand. For example, when looking up information about the No. 4 spot on the list, I stumbled upon a claim that in 1998, Terrell Owens had a preseason game with three TDs. Try as a I might, I could find no information about that game (which probably deserves a spot) anywhere besides that one line from that one source. In addition, the No. 10 person’s game apparently had the second-most of a statistic in a preseason game since 1992. However, I couldn’t find anything about that supposed better game, or what might’ve happened in 1992 to make it the mark.
To summarize, this is one of those times where I admit that the list may not entirely be properly researched and accurate, but also challenge anyone who takes issue with it to do better themselves. Simply put, I did what I could — shut up and enjoy the content.
HONORABLE MENTION: BRANDON AUBREY
Spoiler alert: there will be three Ks on this list, including Brandon Aubrey. But despite having the second-best effort of the three, Aubrey is the only one who doesn’t make the Top 10. Aubrey nailed a 66-yard FG in Dallas’ 2023 preseason win against the Las Vegas Raiders. However, despite no one making a longer FG in NFL history, it only tied the record, set by Justin Tucker two years earlier. Aubrey nearly made another 66-yarder in the regular season, but it was negated by a delay of game penalty on the Cowboys. His official longest is a “mere” 65-yarder.
HONORABLE MENTION: TONY ROMO
From one Dallas Cowboy to another, Tony Romo gets a mention for throwing for more yards in a single preseason game than any other QB I could find. That performance came in the finale of the 2006 preseason, which saw Romo torch the Minnesota Vikings for 349 yards on 30/45 passing. However, that effort gets relegated from the Top 10 for a few reasons. First off, Romo only threw one TD (and two INTs). Then, Romo recorded 99 of those yards in OT (which was still 15 minutes long). Finally, the game ended in a tie, making it even more meaningless.
HONORABLE MENTION: MACK BROWN
No, not the college football coach. This Mack Brown was a RB who led the 2016 preseason with 227 yards rushing. 149 of those came in Washington’s win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, with Brown also tacking on a 60-yard TD. Despite that strong performance, Brown only made the practice squad for Washington. However, he was later called up to the main roster and repeated part of his excellent preseason, dashing for a 61-yard TD in Washington’s 41-21 Week 16 win over the Chicago Bears. That scamper proved to be the only TD of Brown’s career.
HONORABLE MENTION: RAHEEM MOSTERT
This season will mark Raheem Mostert’s 11th in the NFL, which is impressive given he bounced around a lot in his early career (seven different rosters in his first two years). That sporadic situation is surprising given his strong performance in his first preseason in 2015, when Mostert led the league in yards from scrimmage. His best game came against the New York Jets, which saw Mostert finish with 162 yards combined (69 rushing and 93 receiving). Throw in 77 yards in kick returns and Mostert made nearly 240 yards of impact for the Philadelphia Eagles that day.
10. DANNY WOODHEAD
Six years before Mostert’s excellent showing, the Philadelphia Eagles were on the receiving end of another great offensive performance. Before he hit his peak with the New England Patriots, Danny Woodhead first burst onto the scene with the rival New York Jets. After going undrafted in 2008, Woodhead signed with the Jets, only to spend his entire rookie year on injured reserve. Woodhead had to wait until 2009 to get going, which he did in the Jets’ final preseason game of that year. Woodhead absolutely torched the aforementioned eagles, rushing for two TDs and 158 yards — at the time the second-most since 1992. Despite putting forth that performance and surviving initial cuts, Woodhead was waived before the season began. He later signed with the Jets’ practice squad and eventually made the main roster. However, he was moved to WR and only made it due to injuries to others. Woodhead was eventually released by the Jets, only to get his revenge several times over as a member of the rival Patriots for several years.
9. STEPHEN MCGEE
Although he’s known to most as Dallas’ third-string QB for the early part of the 2010’s, Stephen McGee has an argument for a spot on the Top 10 greatest preseason QBs ever list. He’ll have to settle for this Top 10 list, which is almost entirely made up for single-game efforts. McGee is the first of three exceptions, though the nature of his performances give him a stat unique to most QBs. The first of those games came in the 2010 preseason finale, when McGee finished with 304 passing yards and a TD in the Cowboys’ 27-25 win over the Miami Dolphins. One year later, the Denver Broncos limited McGee to just 208 yards in the preseason opener, only for him to toss three TDs in a 24-23 Cowboys victory. There are a surprisingly few amount of players who have either thrown for 300 yards or three TDs in a single preseason game. McGee, as far as my research has found, is the only one to do both. While those marks didn’t come in the same game, McGee’s all-around effort (in close wins, no less) earns him a spot on this list.
8. BRETT HUNDLEY
In 2015, it seemed like the Green Bay Packers had found their next great QB named Brett. Though drafted much later than Brett Favre, Brett Hundley had a much better showing in his first few looks behind center. In the Packers’ third game of the preseason, Hundley threw for 315 yards and two TDs (and one INT) in a 39-26 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. But it was in Green Bay’s next game where Hundley truly went off. Down 10-0 against the New Orleans Saints, Hundley flipped a switch, throwing for 236 yards and four TDs (to my knowledge tied for the most by any QB in a single preseason game) as the Packers won 38-10. Sadly, Green Bay would have to wait a few more years for Aaron Rodgers’ successor, as Hundley threw for more TDs in that 2015 finale than the total number of wins he would achieve as a starting QB in the NFL (three). At least, thanks to that fourth score, Hundley surpassed Stephen McGee as the best QB with a 300-yard game and a three-TD game in the preseason on this Top 10 list.
7. TYLER HUNTLEY
Now, what if I told you Brett Hundley doesn’t have the best preseason game by a QB on the 2022 Baltimore Ravens whose seven-letter last name starts with “Hun” and ends with “ley”? That honor goes to Tyler Huntley, who absolutely torched the Washington Football Team in the final game of the 2021 preseason. Though Huntley came just short of reaching 300 yards in the air — finishing with “merely” 285 yards — he more than made up for it on the scoreboard, tossing four TDs in Baltimore’s 37-3 win over Washington. In addition to having more yards in the air than Hundley did in his 2015 performance, Huntley began his big day with a ten-yard rushing score, meaning he tallied five total TDs — more than any QB in a preseason game that I could find. Unfortunately for Huntley, his performance was, at best, the third-most important story coming out of that game. The first was J.K. Dobbins suffering a torn ACL. The second was the Ravens as a whole achieving a record of… well, we’ll come back to this in a bit.
6. DAVID CLOWNEY
For the third entry in a row, we begin with a QB named Brett. In the 2008 preseason opener, Brett Ratliff threw for two TDs of 70 yards as the New York Jets topped the Cleveland Browns 24-21. But this entry isn’t about him — it’s about David Clowney, the WR on the receiving end of both of those bombs. A 71-yard TD pass in the 2nd quarter was followed by a 70-yard score in the 4th, as Clowney finished with four catches for 163 yards (an absurd 41.75 YPC) and two TDs. In NFL history, only a handful of players have ever tallied two scores of at least 70 yards in a single game, including Barry Sanders, Saquon Barkley, Frank Gore, Maurice Jones-Drew, and Lenny Moore. The fact that Clowney achieved that same feat (albeit in the preseason) is shocking, given that you didn’t know who he was until now. Clowney didn’t do a lot in games that counted, which was partially due to suffering a broken collarbone the following week. Completing the circle, Clowney did return to catch a TD pass that counted from Brett Favre.
5. COREY WASHINGTON
Corey Washington was the definition of a journeyman player, making just five receptions across four seasons spent with eight different teams (though only once making the 53-man roster). That team was the New York Giants, for which Washington may have made history (or at the least did something incredibly unlikely) during the 2014 preseason. Washington made just one catch in that year’s Hall of Fame game, though it was a 73-yard bomb that put New York up for good in a 17-13 win over the Buffalo Bills. Those catches were followed by a three-yard TD with about three minutes left in a 20-16 win over the Pittsburgh Steelers and a four-yard TD with under a minute to play in a 27-26 win over the Indianapolis Colts. That’s three weeks in a row in which the same player scored what ended up being the game-winning TD. That’s the first time I’ve seen something like that before. What’s more, Washington (who led the Giants in receiving that preseason) also scored a 31-yard TD that put a 35-24 win over the New York Jets to bed.
4. VICTOR CRUZ
The Corey Washington saga wasn’t the first time a WR with a single-digit jersey number became a preseason hero for New York. In 2010, the Giants and Jets met in the first week of the preseason for the first ever football game hosted at the New Meadowlands Stadium. The Giants were a few years removed from winning the Super Bowl and the Jets had eyes on winning one of their own (even more eyes thanks to their appearance on Hard Knocks that offseason). But at the end of the game — a 31-16 Giants win — only one name was on the lips of football fans: Victor Cruz. An undrafted WR, Cruz came out of absolutely nowhere to torch the Jets for 145 yards and three TDs on just six catches. Despite suffering an injury later on, Cruz never looked back. Just a few years later, Cruz would be a Super Bowl champion, Pro Bowler, eight-figures rich, and the owner of one of the most popular celebrations in sports. All of that started with this game — the one that all of you could’ve predicted would’ve made this list.
3. OLA KIMRIN
From a player everyone has heard of to one I guarantee no one reading this had ever heard of before, I’d be stunned if your first two questions after seeing Ola Kimrin’s name weren’t “Who?” and “What is he doing so high on this list?”. In short, Kimrin may have the most looked-over achievement in NFL history. The Swede first broke out in 2002 with the Frankfurt Galaxy, with which he led NFL Europe in scoring for Ks during the 2002 season. He was signed by the Denver Broncos and given a shot during the preseason. Against the Seattle Seahawks, Kimrin was brought out to attempt a 65-yard FG — longer than the record of 63 yards held by Tom Dempsey and Jason Elam. To the shock of everyone, he nailed it. Even more shockingly, Kimrin didn’t make the Broncos’ final roster (Elam was also on it). Although it didn’t count in the record book, Kimrin’s kick would stand as the longest successful FG on an NFL field until 2021, only bested by Justin Tucker (66 yards), Brandon Aubrey (66 — preseason), and one other man.
2. CAM LITTLE
That man is Cam Little, whose achievement sparked this list to begin with. Perhaps we should’ve expected big things out of Little, who was ranked as the No. 1 overall kicking prospect coming out of high school, broke the Arkansas record for FG percentage, finished his entire three-year college career without missing an extra point, and became the youngest K ever drafted into the NFL. Still, no one could’ve possibly expected Little to do something some thought wasn’t physically possible. Back in 1976, Abilene Christian K Ove Johansson (another Swede) booted a 69-yard FG during a game against East Texas State. That — beyond the marks set by Justin Tucker, Brandon Aubrey, and Ola Kirmin — stood for nearly 50 years as the longest successful FG on record in any football capacity. Throw in the fact that Little is the first K to break the 70-yard mark (seeing these kind of barriers broken is a rare sight in sports), and Little’s boot can only be described as the most impressive individual effort in preseason history.
1. THE BALTIMORE RAVENS
When it comes to the preseason, everyone knows that it doesn’t matter who wins or loses — just ask the winless 2008 Detroit Lions, who went 4-0 in the preseason that year. However, don’t tell that to the Baltimore Ravens, owners of the NFL record for most preseason victories in a row with 24 — three more than the official NFL record of 21 (held by the New England Patriots) for the regular/postseason. That streak began in 2016 (a 22-19 win over the Carolina Panthers) and lasted all the way until 2023 (a 20-19 win over the Philadelphia Eagles). That record was officially earned in 2021 during the aforementioned Tyler Huntley/J.K. Dobbins game in 2021 and the streak would be broken two years later in a last-second 29-28 loss to the Washington Commanders. So, how does seven straight years (2020’s edition was canceled) without a loss in the preseason translate to games that count? A regular season record of 70-44, two AFC North titles, four playoff appearances, and one playoff win. Again, the preseason doesn’t matter!
NOTHING IS SACRED
Remember the newsletter section that was too long for email and I put just on the website? The one all of you definitely read anyway? The one about RedZone having a few ads last year? Well, the situation has gotten much worse.
Yesterday on the Pat McAfee Show, RedZone host officially confirmed what we all feared: RedZone will, in fact, have commercials this season. They will appear in double boxes along with game footage, with the audio being from the commercial. According to Hanson, there will be no interference with viewers’ ability to watch every TD as it happens. McAfee even went as far as to say that fans won’t mind having commercials in their RedZone.
I won’t go as in-depth into why this is a catastrophically awful move as I should, given that I already did so in the above-mentioned article. But let me just say this: putting advertisements in a paid subscription service alone is maliciously evil bullshit. The fact that the service in question is a universally beloved aspect of television that has revolutionized sports broadcasting makes it even more of a travesty.
I feared this decision would come as soon as the news broke that ESPN was buying the NFL Network. The fact that it came literally day before the season started (likely in attempt to bury any backlash with the excitement of the season) is shady as hell, but honestly are we surprised? I could probably make a compelling Top 10 list of things that ESPN has ruined upon purchasing. This is only going to get worse, with MLB.tv going into the hands of the mothership as well.
If you ever needed an example of why monopolies are bad, here it is. I will also add that the NFL itself is not free of blame — far from it, in fact. Their greed along with ESPN’s has led to this.
If there’s going to be any hope of a change from ESPN and the NFL regarding these ads, football fans have to the seemingly impossible: boycott RedZone. I’m serious. Do you honestly think this will stop with the double boxed ads? They were testing the waters last season and seemed to get away with it. If they can also get away with straight up having ads in a subscription service, nothing is off limits. Hell, the iconic slogan of RedZone — seven hours of commercial-free football — is now just “seven hours of RedZone football.” If fans let this stand, things will get worse and ads will continue to the point where it’ll be no different than a normal broadcast.
Of course, asking fans to boycott RedZone just before Week 1 is a tough ask, which is exactly why this change was announced when it was. But don’t let your excitement for football block out the bigger picture. If the backlash isn’t big enough, nothing will change. It’s the only way to make our voices heard these days. Any apathy they see from fans is a green light for them to keep fucking over the consumer.
Never forget what they took from us. Instead of paying for things that should be free, make them pay for trying to fuck us over further.
2025 DUES TALLY
Ruben: $50
Dad: $50
Ewing: $50
Aly: $50
Nick: $50
Arik: $50
Kyle: $50
Emilio: $50
Jimmy: $50
Chriss: $50
Riaz: $50
Richard: N/A
THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS
THE ANTARCTICANS VS. DON’T DRAFT AND DRIVE
We truly seemed destined to do this forever, don’t we, Kyle? Two out of the past three years, we’ve met in the semi-finals and taken rings off each other’s fingers. Now, the fantasy gods can’t even wait for the playoffs, with the Antarcticans and Don’t Draft and Drive kicking off the season. What’s more, each of us are starting the TE (Sam LaPorta/Travis Kelce) of the QB we’re going against (Jared Goff/Pat Mahomes), as well as one of the Eagles’ starting WRs (A.J. Brown and DeVonta Smith). Since I won the last matchup, I’m bracing for retribution this time.
GENO 911! VS. THIRD TIME’S A CHARM
Speaking of history repeating itself, the last time someone lost back-to-back Epic Bowls, they returned to the title game and made the third time count? Will Third Time’s a Charm be true once again for Chriss? But in a battle featuring the likes of Brock Purdy, Baker Mayfield, CeeDee Lamb, James Cook, Brock Bowers, Tyreek Hill, Kyren Williams, and Omarion Hampton, there will be far more questions than answers until kickoff. Here’s another: can Arik finally reach his first Epic Bowl, or will Geno 911! join the list of those who came up short?
FOOTBALLDAMUS VS. QUEEN’S GAMBIT
Speaking of people trying to redeem themselves, Aly has already achieved total fantasy football success, albeit not in the same season. After winning the Epic Bowl two years ago, Queen’s Gambit finished as the top seed in last year’s playoffs. But her run ended before it began, with Aly’s early exit driving her to make some interesting draft choices this year (which to be fair have worked before). Footballdamus also exited in the first round last year, and Riaz is hoping to finally step into true contender status. He’ll be relying on a lot of red or orange teams.
BONE 2 BONE VS. SPIDER 2 Y BANANA
Speaking of Aly’s first round exit, the person who defeated her is looking to go even further this year. It’s been 14 years since Jimmy last won the Epic League — the longest title drought for those who’ve won it before. Spider 2 Y Banana looks ready to end that streak, taking the two players who should’ve won MVP last season (Saquon Barkley and Lamar Jackson). As for Dad, he’s got the straight up longest title drought, and is hoping to end it by relying on two players who’ve let him down in the past (Joe Burrow and Christian McCaffrey). Bold from Bone 2 Bone.
LET ME WHISPER IN JAHMYR VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS
Speaking of teams who finished at the bottom of the standings last year, holy shit did this matchup suddenly get spicy! I know our group chat can often get so toxic that I turn my phone on silent, but what happened between Richard and Nick after I broke the Micah Parsons news was on another level. Fortunately for us, this means an otherwise ordinary matchup between Let Me Whisper in Jahmyr and the Krispy Kritters might’ve become the showdown of the week. I can only imagine the shit talking that will go on, along with me muting my notifications again.
THREE EYED RAVENS VS. THE LAST GAMBLE
Speaking of trying to keep this gimmick going, the closest matchup of the week (at least according to Yahoo!’s projections) is this one. Both Three Eyed Ravens and The last gamble will be trying to get back to the playoffs after disappointing seasons last year. For Ewing, he’s hoping Jalen Hurts avoids a Super Bowl hangover and Mark Andrews doesn’t have PTSD from his two-point conversion drop in January. For Emilio, a late name change after I had already written the draft recap has me wondering — is this an announcement of a pending retirement?
ONE LAST THING
As we age, we continue to see new limits of our physicality. We can no longer get up or sit down without making a noise. We complain about our backs and knees at an increasing rate. We actually mean it when we say the music is too loud. All of this has been harder to handle for those who played a lot of sports growing up. When I was in my late teens, I could run six miles without getting too tired and often went from track and field practice straight to a full soccer practice. Nearly double that age now, I recently popped my back while sneezing at work.
For those who want to stay active, we’re drifting towards sports we never really played growing up, but are much easier on our bodies. That includes golf, pickleball, tennis, softball, and straight up running. For those who want to keep playing sports like basketball, hockey, soccer, volleyball, or baseball, rules often have to be adjusted for physical limitations or everyone just generally agrees to not play defense. One thing that generally happens, however, is that physically demanding sports like football are a thing of the past. At least, for most of us.
In recent weeks, clips of adults playing in recreational football leagues have gone viral on social media. These players are taking part in 37U (age 37 and up) and 40U (age 40 and up) leagues during the weekend. Now, you might wonder how you can adjust football to make it less physically challenging for these middle aged men, who aren’t exactly Tom Brady. The answer is simple: they don’t.
Various clips, which can be found here, show just how seriously these guys (who unironically can be described as uncs or even grandpas) take the sport, hitting the shit out of each other and generally playing like it’s the Super Bowl, all while the refs pretty much swallow their whistles. Some of these hits and plays are genuinely fierce and reckless, all given and taken by people who are only doing this for the alleged love of the game. One player — allegedly in his 60’s — is caught on camera apparently tearing his ACL during a play. The effort to go over the top while trying to relive their glory days doesn’t just apply to on-field play — these guys have elaborate uniforms (shown off during over-the-top media day sessions), fancy TD celebrations, emotional speeches/interviews, and heated sideline arguments. One clip shows a player wearing a Saints jersey and Ravens pants talking mad shit from the bench, while another shows the wife of a player getting involved in his game day routine. I had no idea these kinds of leagues existed and am kind of terrified they do.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that while we may go a little too hard for our current physical conditions, at least we’re not as delusional as these guys. Then again, I kind of want to see Ewing take part in one of these leagues. Sure, he’s lost like half his muscle mass since his playing days and underwent literal brain surgery last year. But these guys probably wouldn’t let that stop them. At least Ewing wouldn’t have the worst hairline in those leagues…
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
2019 & 2024 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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