Ruben's Writings

Have you guys seen this meme about things popular to children? Well, when it comes to which house I was sorted into, I chose the secret fifth option. That being said, I did have a preference for one of the main four, but not exactly as you’d expect.

While I wasn’t into trucks per se, I was into cars… sort of. I never had posters of cars on my wall growing up or collected diecast models of actual cars. I still don’t know much more than the basics about cars today and became a fan of Top Gear not for the cars, but because of the hosts. I enjoyed (and still enjoy) racing video games, though strictly for the gameplay and not for any of the car customization features (I have never put even as much as a bumper sticker or more than like one license plate frame). I still don’t have any allegiance to any particular car manufacturer or racing team. But goddamn did I love Hot Wheels. I collected those cars more than I did trains, foregoing the common-looking models for the more unique, fantastic-looking vehicles. On weekends and days I’d stay home, I’d often stage races and grand prix that lasted for hours and stretched across the house, much to the annoyance of my parents, who had to work to not step on the toy cars on the stairs and floors. I still have a lot of those cars, which I plan to give to my children and cringe when they inevitably drop one.

For the most part, my love of Hot Wheels just centered on toys, which was largely what the company produced. There were a few video games and an old TV show, but the vast majority of Hot Wheels’ reach/appeal came from toys. But at the start of the millennium, Mattel (the parent company of Hot Wheels) wanted to change that. They worked with Mainframe Entertainment (creator of ReBoot, one of the first made-for-TV CGI series) to create an animated movie to mark the 35th anniversary of Hot Wheels. The film, dubbed Hot Wheels Highway 35 — World Race, was divided into five episodes, which were released from July 12-August 2, 2003 on Cartoon Network and later as one whole movie, along with copious amounts of merch.

World Race follows 16-year-old “Vert” Wheeler, who after receiving his driver’s license is somehow invited to compete in the titular event, which is billed simply as a contest to find the fastest driver in the world. But as it turns out, Wheeler and the other drivers have been given highly advanced cars that allow them to travel through a portal to another dimension created by ancient aliens (called Accelerons) who were obsessed with speed and racing (talk about going from zero to 100, am I right?). The other dimension contains massive tracks that span great natural and pre-built obstacles and environments. The organizer of the race, Dr. Peter Tezla, secretly hopes to obtain a zero-point energy source called the Wheel of Power, located at the end of the final track. But he’s not the only one — a mysterious woman named Gelorum and a saboteur driver are also trying to get their hands on the Wheel.

With a setting of such a fantastical universe, visuals like a comic book come to life, and a banging soundtrack, World Race was well-received by critics and fans alike, including an 11-year-old me, who definitely got his hands on some of the diecast models of cars from that movie. It’s still looked back fondly today as an excellent albeit goofy kids movie and is pure nostalgia bait for those who were kids during that era. Mattel had been successful in its attempt to branch out Hot Wheels. But could they reach that bar and find that success again?

The answer was no — they blew that bar out of the fucking water. 

If World Race could be called “peak,” Hot Wheels: AcceleRacers is Olympus Mons — the tallest discovered mountain in the Solar System. Instead of one film divided into several episodes, AcceleRacers was its own series of four full-length movies, each released on Cartoon Network across the span of 2005. While World Race had let to a new Hot Wheels animated world, AcceleRacers vastly expanded upon it and created something extraordinary.

Set two years after World Race, AcceleRacers returns to the Highway 35 universe, after Wheeler had won the race, retrieved the Wheel of Power (which was determined to be too powerful to be controlled), and returned it to Hot Wheels City (at the end of Highway 35), while defeating Gelorum (who was a cyborg) in the process. However, Gelorum has since been rebuilt and allied with the Racing Drones, an army of robot drivers created by the Accelerons to test more advanced tracks. Gelorum and the drones, hellbent on taking over the world and finding the Accelerons, have captured the Wheel of Power (and Hot Wheels City) and greatly injured Dr. Tezla. In desperation, Tezla recruits several World Race veterans (including Wheeler) who have each joined one of two rival street racing teams: the Teku and the Metal Maniacs. Inside a new headquarters, Tezla reveals to the drivers that he has created a hologram copy of the Wheel of Power, which has many symbols on its exterior. Those symbols represent a Racing Realm — inter-dimensional worlds that have tracks that go through a specific element in the toughest way possible. The Wheel randomly decides to open these Realms for only an hour — the first driver to make it through to the end receives an AcceleCharger, technology that gives a car a special ability pertaining to that Realm. If the drones (who have been entering and winning several realms) obtain enough AcceleChargers, they can achieve their evil goals. The Teku and Metal Maniac drivers must also enter the Realms to defeat the drones and stop their plan. But they must also deal with grudges against each other, personal demons, and a new unknown foe, while uncovering the secret of the Realms

The plot — on top of being exclusively geared towards preteen/teenage boys — is admittedly slightly convoluted and only truly understandable if you’ve watched World Race. You can also definitely tell when they added vehicles just to sell toys. Plus, the character animation is notably worse than World Race — look what they did to my boy, Taro Kitano. But AcceleRacers does so much right — the Realms are stunning and creative, the plot is surprisingly complex, the music is amazing, and it expands on and improves most aspects of World Race. It’s a bunch of cool cars doing good shit It blew my 12-year-old (and 13-year-old) mind the first time I saw it and it will always hold a special place in my heart. 

AcceleRacers was also unlike most cartoons I’d seen in that it flipped your expectations upside-down. Where I’d been used to the good guys always winning in the end, the racers spend most of the first movie, Ignition, getting their asses kicked. Most of them barely survive the first Realm they enter (which they lose to the drones), while my favorite character from World Race, Brian Kadeem, doesn’t even escape in time, later being captured and turned into a drone (you got done dirty, Brian). When they get a win, it’s almost always by the skin of their teeth. The main characters are entertaining and even during the non-racing bits, their dynamic is interesting to witness. In addition to being visually and philosophically opposed when it comes to cars and driving, the two teams are divided by hatred between the two leaders — Nolo Pasaro (Teku) and Tork Maddox (Metal Maniacs) — after a race between Maddox and Pasaro’s brother, Tone, ended with the latter’s death. Putting petty differences aside for the greater good, coping with the death of a loved one, dealing with survivor’s guilt, overcoming PTSD, phobias, and self-doubt, the consequences of cockiness, strained sibling relationships, not judging a book by its cover, and what it means to be a leader — all of those themes and lessons are explored throughout each of the four movies. Most importantly, the racing and action are top notch and the cars look fucking badass (some more than others).

Speaking of the cars, you can bet there was plenty of merch, including diecast cars — nine each per team (including drones and the aforementioned unknown foe). I don’t think I managed to collect them all, but I got damn close. There were also larger vehicles and other kinds of toys, along with a full-fledged card game and an online min-series that served to bridge the gap between movies. With AcceleRacers, Mattel had built a mini-empire in the toy realm, like what Lego had done with Bionicle, and it was growing more popular. That’s what makes what happened next even more perplexing.

The fourth and final part of AcceleRacers, The Ultimate Race, was released on October 1, 2005 — 20 years ago yesterday. It was another excellent entry, but didn’t provide a satisfying conclusion. Instead, it ended on a massive, world-shattering cliffhanger and clearly set up a fifth movie, if not a follow-up series for a proposed trilogy following World Race and AcceleRacers. However, none of that came to pass, with the past 20 years introducing little new to the AcceleRacers world apart from some Q&A sessions with the creators and a few new toys. Mattel completely dropped AcceleRacers, not making another Hot Wheels movie until Team Hot Wheels in 2014 and not introducing a new series until Battle Force 5. Neither was related at all to AcceleRacers, even though the latter had Wheeler as a main character. 

20 years later, it remains a mystery as to why AcceleRacers ended the way it did, and why Mattel refused to do anything more with a white hot franchise. The more years pass, the less likely it appears that fans of AcceleRacers will ever get an answer, or a satisfying conclusion to the beloved series. But we (nor our parents’ wallets) will never forget the incredible world we got swept into in 2003 with World Race, and the incredible sequel that was AcceleRacers. It was kind of dumb, but it was also way better than it had any right to be.

Plus, at the very least it provides an incredibly convenient theme for this week’s newsletter. 

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

THE ANTARCTICANS (4-0) DEF. THE INJURED RESERVES (2-2)

101.40 – 69.06

There are two ways you can approach the 4-0 start by the Antarcticans — the defending Epic League champions. You could look at my total points scored and points scored against and say that I’ve been the beneficiary of one of the most insane stretches of good luck in fantasy football history. Or, if you’re not bitter, you can say that my draft grade was underrated and I was due some good fortune. Just look at this week — I got screwed over by Jaylen Warren’s late scratch and A.J. Brown second goose egg of the season. However, it was my first two picks — Pat Mahomes (27 points) and Puka Nacua (23 points) — along with faith in my FLEX player — George Pickens (25 points) that got me the win. Sure, Arik’s lineup is so injured (minus CeeDee Lamb, James Conner, and now Tyreek Hill) that he had to change his name to the Injured Reserves to reflect it, and this couldn’t put up a fair fight (plus he is a father now — CONGRATS! — so who gives a shit?). But it’s right that the reigning champ is the last unbeaten in the league. 

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-1) DEF. SPIDER 2 Y BANANA (3-1)

125.76 – 102.28

After all, one of my four wins against one of the best teams in the league — the… Krispy Kritters? Wait a minute, when did Richard get good? Already just one victory away from matching last season’s win total, Richard has become our league’s version of the Colts — a franchise thought to be long dead suddenly becoming a potential contender. This latest triumph came courtesy of Richard’s real life QB, Dak Prescott (30 points) and Bijan Robinson (24 points). But the likes of Brandon McManus, Kenneth Walker, Tyler Warren, and Zach Baun also provided complimentary performances. You could also make the argument that the noted absence of Lamar Jackson for half the game tanked Spider 2 Y Banana’s odds of remaining among the unbeatens. However, Jackson was struggling all game and not even the likes of Javonte Williams (16 points) or Saquon Barkley (13 points) could pull Jimmy out of the rut. Jackson’s potentially multi-week absence could also dampen Jimmy’s own strong start.

QUEEN’S GAMBIT (2-2) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (2-2)

94.26 – 82.50

On top of the league daddy (me) continuing to show who’s boss and Arik becoming an actual daddy for the first time, we had one of the league’s resident daddy’s get his ass kicked. Fittingly, it was how Ewing usually takes Ls these days: marriage disputes. Queen’s Gambit desperately needed the win, following two losses (including one to me). As per usual, Josh Allen (25 points) came to Aly’s side. But even her tank in Derrick Henry wasn’t as effective as usual. Still, a solid effort from Patrick Queen (16 points) really twisted the knife (especially given that Roquan Smith didn’t do anything productive for Ewing), all while giving her enough breathing room to outlast her husband. To be fair, Three Eyed Ravens didn’t exactly bring their A game to this one. Only three people in Ewing’s lineup even broke double-digits, while none of them topped the 20-point mark. If Ewing keeps playing like this, he’ll soon be like his beloved Ravens: in a big hole early. At least his QB, Jalen Hurts (19 points), is on a bird team that can actually beat the Chiefs.

DON’T DRAFT AND DRIVE (2-2) DEF. THE LAST GAMBLE (2-2)

111.42 – 105.28

Speaking of the Chiefs, Don’t Drink and Drive seems to be our league’s version of the team that got belt to assed in this past Super Bowl. Typically a contender and longtime occupier of the top half of the standings, Kyle shockingly found himself at 0-3 and could’ve lost a fourth in a row to start the season had it not been for a late surge from De’Von Achane (16 points). That had to especially hurt for The last gamble (stylize your goddamn name properly already), as Emilio saw his own real life RB put him in the loss column. To be fair, Emilio made plenty of gambles that backfired, notably starting Geno Smith and leaving two guys with a combined 41 points (DK Metcalf and Woody Marks) on the bench. To be fair, Kyle made some miscalculations of his own, although to be fair no one could’ve seen the Drake May explosion happening ahead of time. At least Kyle finally got lucky by banking in Amon-Ra St. Brown (19 points) in the ongoing battle to have a member of the Lions besides Jahmyr Gibbs (15 points) score consistently on offense.

LET ME WHISPER IN JAHMYR (2-2) DEF. THIRD TIME’S A CHARM (2-2)

132.84 – 99.32

Chirss’ chase for redemption is hitting a bumpy road. Usually at or near the top of the standings in the regular season, Third Time’s A Charm finds themselves right in the middle of the pack. To be fair, Chriss gave it a fair shot this week. Omarion Hampton (22 points) finally did something, while Garrett Wilson (14 points) and James Cook (19 points) provided some nice support. The problem lies with two of Chriss’ top picks — Ja’Marr Chase and Brock Bowers — who continue to be limited by the QBs throwing them the ball. Still, Chriss probably should’ve gotten the win, had Nick not transformed into the actual Jahmyr Gibbs and laid people out like they were people not on the Packers. Let Me Whisper in Jahmyr had easily their best week of the season, with three players — Ashton Jeanty (31 points), Josh Jacobs (27 points), and Bo Nix (26 points) scoring more than Chriss’ top player. After staring into the abyss over the first two weeks, Nick has suddenly started to turn things around. Don’t give him hope — that’s usually when the pain starts.

BONE 2 BONE (1-3) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (0-4)

132.48 – 87.70

As for the person currently staring into the abyss, that dubious distinction goes to Riaz, who may have already given up on the season despite scoring just ten fewer points than the guy in first place. Not much has gone right for Footballdamus this season — Mike Evans is out for a while, Bucky Irving may be joining him, and the rest of the roster has battled both terrible luck and inconsistent play. But I must ask — about Evans, did Riaz not realize that he was still in his starting lineup this past weekend, or did he just not give a shit? Either way, Riaz has taken a big step towards taking back the last place trophy from Richard and is the early favorite for the beer mile. That being said, he’s not far behind Bone 2 Bone, who had by far its best week of the season. Christian McCaffrey (21 points), Drake London (18 points), Quinshon Judkins (17 points), and the Lions defense (19 points) all helped Dad get his first win. Most importantly, they helped reduce my chances of having to run the beer mile in Dad’s place, at least for now.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. The Antarcticans (4-0)
2. Spider 2 Y Banana (3-1)
3. The Krispy Kritters (3-1)
4. Three Eyed Ravens (2-2)
5. The last gamble (2-2)
6. Third Time’s A Charm (2-2)
7. Let Me Whisper in Jahmyr (2-2)
8.  Queen’s Gambit (2-2)
9. The Injured Reserves (2-2)
10. Don’t Draft and Drive (1-3)
11. Bone 2 Bone (1-3)
12. Footballdamus (0-4)

BATTLE FOR THE BOBBLEHEAD:

1. Three Eyed Ravens (444.36)
2. Spider 2 Y Banana (436.26)
3. The last gamble (422.18)
4. The Krispy Kritters (417.56)
5. Don’t Draft and Drive (417.10)
6. Bone 2 Bone (400.56)
7. Third Time’s A Charm (396.48)
8. Let Me Whisper in Jahmyr (394.84)
9. The Antarcticans (383.86)
10. Footballdamus (373.28)
11. Queen’s Gambit (372.26)
12. The Injured Reserves (368.96)

DRINK PUNISHMENT TRACKER:

1. Aly (125.16) –> Nick (68.34) [Buzzballz of Nick’s choice]*
2. Emilio (128.00) –> Aly (68.32) [Southern Tier Pumpking Imperial Pumpkin Ale]**
3. Ewing (155.94) –> Richard (81.44) [Boilermaker]***
4. Nick (132.84) –> Arik (69.06) [Happy Dad Seltzer]

* Nick chose Watermelon Splash — two of them for some reason

** Aly was offered a choice between that and Altamont Maui Waui IPA

*** Richard consumed a shot of tequila and a glass of beer separately, despite a Boilermaker being a shot of whiskey dropped into a glass of beer and chugged. However, Ewing accepted the alternative, so Richard’s punishment was considered fulfilled

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: It seems the old guard is rising up. Ewing and Jimmy won the league’s first two titles and through four weeks are the two highest scorers. Despite a tough loss this past week, Jimmy has started off on a roll, though he must battle any potential issues with Lamar Jackson. Ewing, on the other hand, must’ve seen me win another title and decided that he should step it up.

WORST: On the flip side, it’s bizarre to see Kyle out of a playoff position at any point in the season, let alone after four whole weeks. While that first week was one to forget, the other three results — two losses and a narrow win — have come due to some bad luck (more on that later) and untimely play. Even for Kyle, it could be tough to overcome this slow start to the season.

TRANSACTION

BEST: There’s been a lot of early moves, most of them ranging from non-impactful to bad. But perhaps the transaction (that I can remember) that had the largest swing in the positive direction was Dad dropping Jake Browning in favor of the Lions defense. That will only continue to pay dividends, especially this weekend, when Detroit buries the Bengals six feet underground.

WORST: So, this one is obvious, even though it wasn’t bad on paper. But giving TreVeyon Henderson to Emilio in exchange for less than a game of Malik Nabers with two intact ACLs. That also doesn’t say anything about the trade between Jimmy and Aly, which is getting worse each week. I’m just surprised Emilio and Aly haven’t organized a trade with each other yet.

LINEUP DECISION

WORST: Even though Woody Marks would’ve prevented Kyle from making a comeback against Emilio, that’s not a reasonable move I’d expect anyone to have made. That being said, swapping DK Metcalf for Zay Flowers would have done just that. Then again, Kyle starting Drake Maye over Jared Goff would’ve made that moot. But also, who the hell would have done that?

ALSO WORST: The Jaylen Warren injury set the table for me to be screwed out of a win, but Arik could’ve taken full advantage. Kenneth Gainwell — the main beneficiary of Warren’s situation — could’ve helped bridge the gap between us. Throw in Matthew Stafford (reasonably) over Baker Mayfield and Arik could have actually beaten me this past weekend. Bad luck, I guess?

LUCK

BEST: So, I wonder who this award is going to. It’s not like there’s a team that’s scored the 4th-fewest points out of everyone (just ten more points than the winless last place team), yet is 4-0 and in 1st place thanks to having by far the fewest points scored against them. Yeah, if this unbelievable trend continues, I may actually start to get death threats from some of you.

WORST: Conversely, two of Kyle’s three losses have come despite him finishing in the Top 4 in scoring that week, while he sits with a 1-3 record despite being tied for the 4th-highest scoring team. But he still has to share this award with Arik. After all, if someone suffers so many major injuries that they have to change their team name to reflect it, they’re definitely unlucky.

MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT

Well, looks like I have to hate blocked kicks now.

It may be early in the season, but it appears those predictions of the Raiders being a sneaky dark horse playoff contender can safely be put to bed. Shockingly, the sixth-worst team in the NFL from last season is still bad. That Week 1 comeback against the New England Patriots did put plenty of smoke up some asses. Plus, I think were also riding the copium of the Kansas City Chiefs’ 0-2 start to the season. This may seem a bit too filled with doom and gloom (even for me), but I’m honestly not that upset about how things have started.

We are not even a quarter of the way through Year 1 with a new coach, new QB, and several other new pieces. Those kind of things take a while to gel together. There are also several positives. Ashton Jeanty looks like the real deal — putting up some stupid stats behind a piss-poor offensive line (now without Kolton Miller for a while). Tre Tucker looks like he’s building on his first two years to become a potential star. Geno Smith hasn’t been nearly as bad as Gardner Minshew, Aidan O’Connell, or Jimmy Garoppolo. That’s pretty much the end of the list.

Smith — while solid — has put up empty calories in volumes not seen since the heyday of Derek Carr. He’s due for one terrible throw a game and more often than not doesn’t have time to settle behind the offensive line. Pete Carroll sees this — as well as his new Bugatti Veyron in Jeanty — and has largely kept leaning on Smith to carry the offense. That’s with some exception for last week, and look what happened — Jeanty had by far his best game as a pro. But the defense (which aside from Maxx Crosby I still can’t trust) let Las Vegas down again. Man, it would be nice to have a great partner for Crosby on the defensive line, someone who isn’t injury prone and doesn’t kiss his teammates or whatever the hell happened. Hell, I can’t even rely on the special teams anymore, which is not only one of the few areas of the game I can count on the Raiders doing well in, but also something the Seattle Seahawks thrived at under Carroll.

But like I said, I’m too worried. Anyone truly expecting a playoff push this season was only kidding themselves. This team needs more time to fix its issues, with another Top 10 draft pick or two to truly get things going (especially at QB). While it’s still early in the season, the schedule isn’t getting easier. While the Tennessee Titans are, in the words of their own QB, ass, two teams many thought would be easy to defeat — the Indianapolis Colts and Jacksonville Jaguars — might actually be playoff-bound. Throw in trips to both Arrowhead and Mile High over the next month or so and I don’t see many chances for wins in the immediate future. 

Prove me wrong, boys. 

STAT OF THE MONTH

Last year, I wrote an impassioned plea as to why Joe Burrow should’ve been MVP. This year — with Burrow benched for months with a turf toe — might be an even better argument. While Jake Browning was more than serviceable in relief of Burrow last season, this year the Bengals have fallen off a cliff — despite starting 2-0. While Browning hasn’t been good, he’s also been far from the only problem. This has deep roots — look at this “blocking scheme” from the game against the Denver Broncos. Burrow would’ve been cut in half. Speaking of…

I’m now officially worried for Burrow’s future in the NFL. Also, keep in mind a lot of Andrew Luck’s contact came from him being mobile. Burrow — while slippery in his own right — was not on Luck’s level and is still being punished comparatively.

As for the Bengals, things aren’t getting any better. Up next is no other than the goddamn Detroit Lions, who might actually break the regular season scoring record against Cincinnati.

So are we gonna address that outside of one quarter Carson Wentz is looking much better as a record-breaking veteran QB than J.J. McCarthy is right now? Sure, injuries are a thing. But (gestures above) it can be a sign of things to come.

I think enough time has passed for Ewing to recover and us to talk about this game, because holy fucking shit that was incredible. Can we also look at that list and see 2008 Drew Brees with a 30-yard gap ahead of second place? That 4th quarter alone was more than the six AFC East QBs who took the field during Week 2. That’s right, six.

That’s not even the worst New York Football-related stat.

So maybe I don’t hate all kicking stats after all…

.#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 2, 1994, family became the focus of a football game like never before. Don’t get me wrong, family was and still is a notable part of the game. Manning, Matthews, Griese, Long, Kelce, McCaffrey, Surtain, Samuel, Edmunds, Watt, Dorsett, Heyward, Ingram, Hasselbeck, Klecko, Slater, Hannah, Winslow, Simms, Bosa, Harrison, Alt, Sanders — these are just some of the names shared by fathers, sons, brothers, uncles, nephews, and cousins who have each stepped onto the NFL field. Many NFL teams have remained within the same family since their inception (or close to it), like the Steelers (Rooney), Giants (Mara, and of course the Raiders (Davis). This also applies to coaches — most notably when John (Ravens) and Jim (49ers) Harbaugh faced off in Super Bowl XLVII. But there’s nothing like the relationship between father and son. To have both a father and son reach the coaching ranks needs a combination of luck, skill, and nepotism. More often than not, the father has to be good enough and have enough longevity to remain in the game until his son gets old enough to coach himself. If the father is good enough, the last name can do wonders with speeding up that process, regardless of how ready or good the son is. Notable father-son head coaching duos include Mike and Kyle Shanahan, Jim and Jim Mora Jr., Marty and Brian Schottenheimer, Bill and Brian Callahan, Bum and Wade Phillips, and Buddy and Rex Ryan. But only one family can claim the honor of having a father and son not only become head coaches, but coach against each other.

When it comes to the father, that longevity and skill was apparent in spades. The late Don Shula needs no introduction, but deserves one. One of the greatest coaches in football history, Shula was a two-time Super Bowl champion with the Miami Dolphins, one-time NFL champion with the Baltimore Colts, four-time AP NFL Coach of the Year, and coach of the only unbeaten team in NFL history. But going into the 1994 season, it seemed Shula was finally nearing the end of his run, having been leading the Dolphins since 1970. There was little left for him to achieve, having surpassed George Halas for most wins as an NFL head coach (a record he still holds) the prior season. While Miami remained competitive, 1993 had also seen star QB Dan Marino rupture his Achilles tendon, causing them to miss the playoffs. Before the 1994 season, ownership of the Dolphins was transferred from the Robbie family to Wayne Huizenga. With these unknowns in the air, Shula’s future was uncertain. Perhaps he saw the Dolphins’ Week 5 opponent — the Cincinnati Bengals — and decided to stick around a while. The Bengals happened to be coached by Dave Shula, who had been hired as the team’s WR coach in 1991. That would be the final season with Sam Wyche in charge, as new Bengals owner Mike Brown (son of the team’s late founder, Paul Brown) made a fellow son of a coaching legend his replacement. Though Cincinnati was just a few years removed from a Super Bowl appearance, things were on the downturn going into 1994. Stalwarts like Anthony Munoz and Boomer Esiason had left, while Dave Klingler (taken sixth overall in the 1992 NFL draft) was doing a subpar job as the latter’s replacement. The Bengals had a record of just 8-24 in the younger Shula’s first two seasons in charge, and everyone was hoping things would turn around in 1994.

It was under these circumstances that history was made at Riverfront Stadium, when the Bengals hosted the Dolphins in what was dubbed the “Shula Bowl” — the first ever father-son coaching matchup in the NFL (and major pro U.S. sports). The home team had not gotten off to a strong start to the 1994 season, sporting a record of 0-4 and watching the Klingler experiment drive towards a cliff. The visitors were expected to continue that struggle, with Marino coming back strong from the Achilles injury and leading his team to a 3-1 record, the lone loss being a shootout against the Minnesota Vikings. Despite all of that, it was the Bengals who struck first, hitting Darnay Scott for a 51-yard TD to take a 7-0 lead early. After Cincinnati forced a Miami punt, the offense drove down the field again. But Doug Pelfrey missed a 47-yard FG, which seemed to signal a switch in the momentum. Marino promptly led the Dolphins down the field, though the Bengals held them to a Pete Stoyanovich FG. After a few drives went nowhere, Marino found Keith Byars in the endzone just before halftime to give Miami a 10-7 lead. Marino began the second half with another TD pass, this one to another member of the NFL’s father-son family, Mark Ingram. The Bengals then began to fall apart, turning the ball over five times in the second half — four of them (three INTs and a fumble) from Klingler. Though Cincinnati’s defense limited Miami to just two more FGs, the offense could not mount a comeback. The father had defeated the son, with Don Shula’s Dolphins beating Dave Shula’s Bengals 23-7.

The Dolphins would keep the offense going throughout the season, finishing 10-6 and winning the AFC East, while Marino was named the NFL Comeback Player of the Year. But Shula’s quest for another title would fall short once again. After defeating the Kansas City Chiefs in the Wild Card round (in what coincidentally was the final game of Joe Montana’s career), Miami narrowly fell to San Diego on a missed FG after a Chargers TD with 35 seconds left. Don Shula would remain in Miami for the 1995 season, which saw the Dolphins finish 9-7 and make the playoffs, but lost to the Buffalo Bills in the Wild Card round. That would end up being the final game in Shula’s legendary career, as he announced his retirement after the season. His last year as head coach also saw him get another win over his eldest son, with Miami beating Cincinnati 20 years ago yesterday 26-23 in a much more competitive Shula Bowl II (which remains the last father-son head coaching matchup in U.S. major pro sports). Dave didn’t last much longer than his father. The 1994 Bengals started 0-8 and finished 3-13. Klingler was sent to the shadow realm in favor of Jeff Blake, who led Cincinnati to a 7-9 record in 1995 despite the loss of No. 1 overall pick Ki-Jana Carter to injury. But after stumbling to a 1-6 record to start the 1996 season, Shula was let go in Cincinnati with the dubious distinction of being the fastest NFL head coach to 50 career losses. Still, he arguably fared better than his younger brother. Mike Shula had some success in his four years as Alabama head coach, though most of it was taken away due to NCAA sanctions and his legacy was being replaced by another former Dolphins head coach, Nick Saban. Still, the Shula family is going strong, with Chris Shula (Don’s grandson and Dave’s son) the current defensive coordinator of the Rams. With more years of success and given that anyone who breathes near Sean McVay gets a coaching gig, the Shula’s could be the NFL’s first three-generation head coaching family in the near future.

OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:
— 2011: The Dallas Cowboys blow the largest lead in franchise history, falling to the Detroit Lions 34-30 despite being ahead 27-3 with 10:30 remaining in the 3rd quarter

— 2005: Inside Mexico City’s Estadio Azteca, the San Francisco 49ers defeat the Arizona Cardinals 31-14 in the first ever NFL regular season game held outside the U.S.

— 1983: The Green Bay Packers score an NFL-record 49 points in the first half (including 35 points in the 2nd quarter alone) in a 55-14 win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers

— 1950: Bob Shaw breaks the NFL record by catching five TDs (only since matched by Jerry Rice and Kellen Winslow) in a 55-13 win for the Chicago Cardinals over the Baltimore Colts

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 INDIVIDUAL PERFORMANCES IN REVENGE GAMES AGAINST OLD TEAMS

This past Sunday, the whole football world watched as Micah Parsons and the Green Bay Packers took on Parsons’ old team, the Dallas Cowboys. Even though Parsons has been a Packer for more than a month, it’s still shocking that he’s not in Dallas anymore. As soon as Jerry Jones signed off on the trade that sent arguably the Cowboys’ best player to a team that beat the living hell out of them in the playoffs two years ago, the football world lost its collective mind. Then, after the shock wore off, they realized Parsons would soon get a chance at payback in a revenge game against his old team on prime time. Granted, Parsons battled injury and had a minimal impact on the game, which ended up being completely batshit insane for other reasons.

Now, the term “revenge game” can mean a few different things. But generally it’s used to describe a game in which one side is trying to get revenge on the other due to past results, transgressions, off-field incidents, etc. A revenge game can be as simple as the Kansas City Chiefs trying (and failing) to defeat the Philadelphia Eagles a few weeks ago in revenge for the curb stomping they got in Super Bowl LIX. It can be how last year’s game between the Lions and Cowboys played out, with Detroit beating the crap out of Dallas in revenge for the controversial way they had lost to them the previous season. 

But perhaps the most common form of a revenge game is that of the individual variety. Every time a player leaves one team for another, it’s not exactly amicable. Maybe the player had felt insulted or cheated out of a deal by one team, so signed with another out of spite. Maybe one team traded a player who was demanding to leave, or who wanted to remain but various issues made that impossible. The revenge game takes place when that player and his new team face off against that player’s old team for the first time. 

The Packers-Cowboys game was the latest example of this kind of revenge game. There have been plenty of high-profile revenge games in the past, no matter how amicable the split between player and old team. When Tom Brady returned to New England to face the Patriots as a member of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and when Terrell Owens faced the Eagles for the first time since signing with the Cowboys, both matchups garnered plenty of media attention. However, neither game nor individual performance (Brady didn’t throw a TD in a mediocre win and Owens struggled in a double-digit loss) lived up to that hype. 

But that’s not the case every time, as some players have released every ounce of pure pent up rage in a gigantic fireball of fury, scorching their former teams in the form of a metaphoric middle finger. These are the most notable moments when teams started to have second thoughts about moving on from the player who just kicked their asses. The player’s statistics, overall score, and spiciness of the beef between the two sides will be taken into consideration.

Of course, it’s not just players who are eligible for revenge games. Coaches have gone up against their old teams plenty of times. There was the time Paul Brown — former head coach, founder, and namesake of the Cleveland Browns) — faced his old team while in the same positions with his new team, the Cincinnati Bengals. It can also apply to assistants — remember when Nathaniel Hackett returned to Denver as the offensive coordinator of the Jets and New York upset the Broncos, who had canned Hackett after less than a season the year prior? That being said, we’re not going to include coaches in this list for two reasons. First, because it’s tougher to judge the objective impact of the coach over his players happening to perform well. Second, because if we did, then the objective top choice would have to be Jon Gruden and the Buccaneers beating the hell out of the Oakland Raiders in Super Bowl XXXVII. Screw that. 

HONORABLE MENTION: IN BETTER HANDS

The Cleveland Browns may be terrible, but they’ve achieved more in the past decade than other teams have with more. That includes the Miami Dolphins, with one of the bright spots being Jarvis Landry. One of the more underrated WRs of the past decade, Landry was a solid and productive weapon who Miami gave permission to seek a trade. Landry was eventually dealt to Cleveland in 2018, though he didn’t get to face his old team until a year later. Landry torched the Dolphins for 148 yards and two TDs as the Browns easily took care of business 41-24.

HONORABLE MENTION: ADAMS GROUNDS THE JETS

As the world was battling covid in early 2020, Jamal Adams was fighting the Jets. Adams demanded a contract extension and later a trade, which New York eventually made with Seattle. Going into Week 14, Adams was one sack away from the NFL single-season record by a DB. It just so happened that Seattle’s opponent that week was the Jets. Adams responded in kind, sacking Sam Darnold to break the record and finishing with five tackles as the Seahawks walloped the Jets 40-3. Adams would get his sought-after huge contract in the offseason.

HONORABLE MENTION: THE BUTLER (& DION) DID IT

It remains a mystery why Super Bowl XLIX hero Malcolm Butler was benched throughout the Patriots’ Super Bowl LII loss. But Butler spurned New England in the offseason, signing with the Titans instead. In Week 10 of his first season in Tennessee, Butler welcomed his old squad to Nashville with a major beatdown. Butler helped stymie New England’s offense and Tennessee rolled 34-10 to its first win against the Patriots since 2002. Also happy with the result: Titans RB Dion Lewis, who also left New England in the offseason and finished with 68 total yards.

HONORABLE MENTION: WHAT CAN’T BROWN DO FOR YOU?

It also remains a mystery as to why the Titans traded A.J. Brown to the Eagles during the 2022 NFL draft. All of Tennessee’s WRs since have failed to compare favorably to Brown, who has since appeared in two Super Bowls in Philadelphia. Before either of those games, Brown faced his old team in Week 13 of 2022. Brown torched the Titans for 119 yards and two TDs (more than Tennessee as a team) as the Eagles handily won 35-10. You know what else remains a mystery? Where that kind of production has been this season. What the hell, A.J.?!?!?!

10. HARRINGTON’S LAST HURRAH

Joey Harrington was supposed to be the savior of the Lions. Instead, Harrington sucked behind center in Detroit, struggling for the majority of four seasons. While many have since blamed the Lions for failing to develop Harrington and surround him with talent (Matt Millen was GM at the time), the poor performances nevertheless led to Detroit trading him to the Dolphins in 2006. Harrington was slotted as the backup in Miami, but was forced into action after starter Dante Culpepper injured his shoulder before Week 5. The Dolphins lost Harrington’s first three starts before unexpectedly beating the previously unbeaten Chicago Bears as part of a four-game winning streak. The fourth win came against his old team, as Harrington torched the Lions for 213 yards and three TDs in a 27-10 win in Detroit — on Thanksgiving Day, no less. Despite Detroit playing on Thanksgiving every year, that game saw Harrington’s first win and TD pass on the holiday. That would be pretty much the last great performance of Harrington’s career.

9. A STRONG BREES OVERSEAS

How long can beef simmer before it gets spoiled? Is three years enough, especially if the British do the cooking? In the final game of the 2005 season, Chargers QB Drew Brees tore his right labrum. Unsure of Brees’ future and with Philip Rivers waiting in the wings, San Diego low-balled Brees in offseason contract talks. Brees spoke with other teams and, after a potential offer from the Dolphins never materialized (a decision that led to Nick Saban leaving Miami for Alabama), ended up signing with the Saints. Three years and a conference title game for both teams later, Brees finally matched up against his old team. Brees absolutely went off, throwing for 339 yards and three TDs. While impressive, the effort gets marked down for two reasons. The first is that Rivers (341 yards, three TDs and one INT) and the Chargers showed up as well, nearly rallying as the Saints held on to win 37-32. Second, the game took place in London, which didn’t seem like the proper setting for a revenge game of this magnitude. .

8. BENSON BATTERS BEARS

In the 2005 NFL Draft, the Bears selected the late Cedric Benson with the fourth overall pick. They then spent the next several years regretting it. While Benson had his moments in Chicago, he was plagued by injuries and fumbles. He also didn’t get along with teammates and, most notably, was arrested on DUI charges multiple times in 2008. That would be his last year with the Bears, who unceremoniously dumped Benson in the offseason. Benson signed with the Bengals, who just so happened to host the Bears in Week 7 of the 2009 season. Although Benson said revenge wasn’t on his mind, his running said otherwise, as he set a career high with 189 rushing yards and tacked on a TD. Carson Palmer added five TDs through the air, as Cincinnati tore Chicago to shreds in a 45-10 win. Benson was productive in Cincinnati, though the 2009 season would be marred by tragedy when WR Chris Henry died during a domestic dispute that December. Benson and a passenger would die in a motorcycle crash in 2019.

7. NOT JOEVER YET

Tom Brady was not the first QB GOAT to end his tenure with a different team than the one he led to great success. Neither was Joe Montana, but his case is probably the most interesting. Montana missed most of the 1991-92 seasons with an injury, allowing backup Steve Young to establish himself as the starter. When Montana came back healthy, a QB controversy soon emerged. It ended with the previously unthinkable: the 49ers traded Montana to the Chiefs. While both teams ended up one game away from playing each other in Super Bowl XXVIII, the following season saw Montana and Young collide when San Francisco visited Kansas City in Week 2 of 1994. Montana struck early, then rallied his new team in the second half, throwing for 203 yards and two TDs in a 24-17 Chiefs win. While Montana’s stats weren’t as good on paper as other efforts on this list, keep in mind that this ended up being his final season, and that this effort came against a San Francisco squad that would eventually win Super Bowl XXXIX.

6. SANDERS SWINGS AND STEPS

Just five weeks later, the San Francisco 49ers were involved in another high profile revenge game, this time fielding the player facing his old team. In his five years in Atlanta, Deion Sanders emerged as one of the most electrifying, entertaining, and controversial players in the NFL as a standout DB and kick returner. Falcons fans (and some players) felt betrayed when Sanders took his talents to San Francisco in the offseason. So when Sanders and his new team visited Atlanta in Week 7, it was feisty from the get go. Early in the game, Sanders and Andre Rison — former teammates and close friends — got into a fight during a running play, though somehow Sanders only received a 15-yard penalty and neither were ejected. Atlanta probably wished they both had been kicked out, as just before halftime Sanders picked off a Jeff George pass and returned it 93 yards for a TD, high-stepping and staring down the Falcons sideline along the way. That would be the backbreaker, as the 49ers rolled to a 42-3 ass-whooping.

5. OWENS OWNS OLD TEAM

The third straight and final entry featuring the 49ers also includes one of the few players who outdoes even Deion Sanders when it comes to controversy. Terrell Owens spent the first eight years of his career in San Francisco, though that tenure became contentious towards the end. In fact, a dispute over the end of Owens’ contract ended with the NFL and three different teams in court. The end result was Owens signing with the Philadelphia Eagles in 2004, helping propel his new squad to Super Bowl XXXIX. The following offseason saw a metric shit ton of issues between Owens and the Eagles (in particular Donovan McNabb), though the two appeared to be in sync when Owens’ old team came to town in Week 2. On the Eagles’ first series, a broken play left Owens wide open for a 68-yard TD. The offense would remain prolific all game, which ended in a 42-3 Philadelphia steamrolling. Owens finished with 143 yards and two TDs, though things with the Eagles would later end so poorly that another revenge game would be in order.

4. ICED UP, SON

Steve Smith is arguably the most important player in Carolina Panthers history. Even in his mid-30’s, he was still the team’s best WR. However, after the 2013 season, Carolina just sort of let Smith go, feeling they didn’t need him anymore. Smith — already an emotional player — used the disrespect as fuel after signing with the Baltimore Ravens in the offseason. As it happened, Smith would only have to wait until Week 4 before Baltimore welcomed the Panthers to town. Smith, who had promised “blood and guts everywhere” if he faced Carolina, lived up to it, slicing up the Panthers for a 61-yard TD to open the scoring and tacking on a 21-yard TD later. All told, Smith led both teams with seven catches for 139 yards (more than double the Panthers WRs combined) and two TDs as the Ravens won 38-10. The icing on the cake came after the game, when Smith looked at a camera and told his old team to “take your ass back to Carolina,” before adding: “Make sure you mow my lawn too while you’re out there. Keep it clean for me.”

3. AARON GROUNDS THE JETS

This may be a bit of an overreaction and a bit of recency bias. But look at the stats and just how unexpected it was, and I think this belongs here. After more than a decade in Green Bay, Aaron Rodgers was traded by the Packers to the Jets. Things didn’t go well in Rodgers’ two seasons in New York, the first of which saw him tear his Achilles and the second seeing mediocre play. As a result, the Jets parted ways with Rodgers, who (after a protracted period) signed with the Steelers this past offseason. As fate would have it, Pittsburgh’s season opener would be on the road against the Jets. Rodgers shocked everyone by turning the clock, throwing for 244 yards and four TDs. But this was also a revenge game for Jets QB (and former Steelers QB) Justin Fields, who kept New York in the game. In the end, Fields’ efforts wouldn’t be enough, as the Steelers held on for a 34-32 win. Of course, Rodgers, who said he was “happy to beat everybody associated with the Jets,” wasn’t the first longtime Packers QB to play for New York.

2. FAVRE FIRES BACK (TWICE)

Of course, the first to do that was Aaron Rodgers’ predecessor, Brett Favre, who put on a master performance of flipping and flopping about retiring in the 2008 offseason. In the end, Favre went to the Jets, where he played just one season. But the following year, Favre made it known that the departure from Green Bay was personal by signing with the rival Vikings in 2009. Naturally, the first Minnesota-Green Bay showdown was scheduled for Monday Night Football, as the 3-0 Vikings hosted the 2-1 Packers in Week 4. While Rodgers was solid if not spectacular against his mentor, Favre was his vintage self, throwing for 271 yards and three TDs as the Vikings held on to win 30-23. With the victory, Favre became the first QB in NFL history to defeat all 32 current franchises. Both teams faced off four weeks later, with Favre making his long-awaited return to Lambeau Field. As boos rained down upon him, Favre threw for 244 yards and four TDs in a 38-26 Minnesota win. Still, neither is the best revenge game in NFL history — or even Vikings history.

1. A HOLIDAY MOSSING

That honor goes to Randy Moss, who had a different kind of revenge game. Moss grew up a Cowboys fan and wanted to play for the team. But despite his talent and Jerry Jones himself telling Moss he would be selected by them, Dallas ultimated passed on him in the 1998 NFL Draft. Moss ended up falling to Minnesota, who gave him the chance to enact some revenge during a Thanksgiving trip to Dallas that season. While the Cowboys “held” Moss to only three catches, all of them were 50+ yard scoring plays, as he finished with an astonishing 163 yards and three TDs. He also caught a two-point conversion and drew a 50-yard pass interference penalty. Again, Moss was a rookie playing on the road against the eventual NFC East champs on national TV on a major holiday. In the end, the Vikings prevailed 46-36 as Moss got revenge (though he would still hate the Cowboys for the rest of his career). While not a traditional revenge game, it’s still fitting that a performance spurned by Jerry Jones screwing up takes the top spot.

THE COLOR OF BLOOD MONEY

Even if I win the Epic League every year for the rest of my life, I will never know what it’s like to be rich enough to never have to worry about money again. But I’m not sure I even want to anymore, because it seems like no matter how rich people are or how secure their legacy in their specific field is, they always want more. Maybe it’s a side effect of whatever diabolical gene that drove the likes of Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods to success via obsession. But at some point, enough has to be enough, right? Apparently not, because it seems no matter how much these people have, they’re always suffering from the disease of more — or rather, even more.

Take, for example, Tom Brady. Widely considered the greatest QB in NFL history and with more Super Bowl rings than every team in the league, Brady hasn’t just rested on his laurels. He’s not only become a broadcaster with Fox Sports, but also entered the realm of ownership with the Las Vegas Raiders (those two jobs totally don’t create any conflict of interest whatsoever). Still, even with his legacy secure, work that’s about as cushy as broadcasting can get, and millions (and millions) of dollars in his bank account, not even the likes of Brady can apparently turn down an opportunity for even more, at least when the Saudis start writing checks.

About two weeks ago, Brady announced that he will be competing in the Fanatics Flag Football Classic, a first-of-its-kind round-robin flag football tournament that will take place in March in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Brady won’t be the only prominent name taking part in the competition — the likes of Saquon Barkley, Christian McCaffrey, Myles Garrett, CeeDee Lamb, Tyreek Hill, and Rob Gronkowski will also be participating.

While more specific details of the event have yet to be released, the fact that active NFL players will be participating in a flag football competition seems exciting, at least on paper. After all, flag football will be a sport in the 2028 Summer Olympics and this event could serve as an interesting precursor. But look a bit more closely and one question pushes itself to the forefront: how are NFL owners okay with this? Some players are contractually forbidden from taking part in non-football related athletics, even if it’s as simple as shooting hoops with friends. Even if flag football is relatively non-contact, athletes have sustained serious injuries doing much more menial tasks (just ask pretty much every baseball player ever). So how are some of the best, most valuable players in football allowed to take part in a competition like this on the other side of the planet?

Because Saudi Arabia is paying them an absolutely unholy amount of money.

It’s unclear exactly how much Brady (the biggest name in the competition) is getting paid for his participation. It was reported last month that it was a whopping $75M — a figure Brady himself has disputed. Given that the report came from Dave Portnoy (my own thoughts on him could be written in just one sentence or take up an entire essay, depending on my mood), take it with a grain of salt. But Portnoy himself claims that he turned down a $10M from Saudi Arabia just to attend a boxing match in the country. While both figures may seem more than a bit inflated, it’s reasonable to assume they’re not too far from the truth, meaning other players are making a pretty penny as well. While it may be an assumption, it’s rooted in some pretty alarming facts.

You might have noticed Saudi Arabia popping up more in the wider world of sports. LIV Golf — the newly-created rival turned partner of the PGA Tour that damn near sparked a golf civil war — is based in Saudi Arabia. Chief among the recent additions of F1 races in non-traditional venues: the Saudi Arabian Grand Prix. In the past few years, an influx of major soccer players — including Cristiano Ronaldo, Karim Benzema, Sadio Mane, Jordan Henderson, N’Golo Kante, and Riyad Mahrez — has flocked to the Saudi Pro League. This was followed by the announcement that Saudi Arabia would host the 2034 FIFA World Cup. In addition, one of the larger clubs in the Premier League, Newcastle United, is now effectively owned by Saudi Arabia. Several major boxing championship bouts — featuring fighters like Oleksandyr Usyk, Tyson Fury, Anthony Joshua, and Francis Ngannou — have been held in Saudi Arabia, not to mention some of whatever the hell Jake Paul’s doing.

All of this is being funded by and done at the will of the Public Investment Fund, the sovereign wealth fund of Saudi Arabia, which is worth nearly an estimated trillion dollars. That’s largely funded by oil production, with Saudi Arabia being by far in the Top 3 oil-producing countries in the world (along with the U.S. and Russia). However, due to various factors, Saudi Arabia has made it a major goal over the past decade-plus to greatly diversify its economy, through a project called Saudi Vision 2030. While a majority of these efforts have remained internal, a notable chunk has gone towards foreign investments. 

That includes sports, which has resulted in the above changes in various sports. Why are all of those soccer players choosing to play in Saudi Arabia? Because they’re being offered deals worth in excess of $20M per year, with Ronaldo’s deal in particular worth over $200M. Even players who aren’t in the Saudi Pro League are being paid to just promote tourism to the country, like the estimated $25M deal Lionel Messi received. LIV Golf cost an estimated $2B to create. That’s not even 5% of the total worth of the PIF, which also dwarfs the costs to host F1 races and high-caliber boxing events, not to mention the $300M cost of the Newcastle takeover. According to The Guardian, Saudi Arabia has spent in excess of $6B total in sports-related investments since 2021. That article was from 2023, so the figure is likely now over $10B.

It would be one thing if Saudi Arabia were simply just another economic player entering the world of sports. But it’s quite more complicated — and darker — than that. You see, the country’s investment in sports is also being done with two particular side effects in mind. The first is for Saudi Arabia to be seen as a global power. Sport is a global phenomenon that brings countries together, and control over sport brings a lot of soft power in that regard. Sport also has a great hold over people in general — the more control, the more power. But with the greater spotlight comes greater exposure to both positives and negatives. Saudi Arabia has a lot of negatives, and the second effect (they’re hoping) is to brush those negatives under the rug. The term for this is “sportswashing,” and I’ve already gone into detail on it when I did my preview of the 2022 World Cup in Qatar. But while Saudi Arabia isn’t working foreign de-facto slaves to death to build new soccer stadiums (they’re instead building a massive city in the shape of a line on land forcefully taken from natives), there are plenty of other atrocities taking place.

Saudi Arabia has one of the worst human rights records in the world. The total picture is probably even worse than we know, but the country actively works to repress any form of transparency or accountability, as well as anyone who dares criticize the regime. That includes journalist and dissident Jamal Khashoggi, who was killed and dismembered inside the Saudi consulate in Istanbul in October 2018. It was later determined that Khashoggi’s execution came under the direction of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, the country’s de facto ruler. He is also the chairman of the Saudi Public Investment Fund and has brushed off accusations of sportswashing, saying he will keep doing what he’s been doing.

This in a nutshell is why many people are pissed about anyone who works with or takes money from Saudi Arabia. A prime example is one of those soccer players, Jordan Henderson, who famously was a major LGBTQ+ advocate and subsequently criticized for his hypocrisy in playing for a Saudi club. Saudi Arabia seems to be proving the old adage that “everyone has a price” true, and now the NFL is the latest sports league to accept the swaths of so-called blood money.

Now, Saudi Arabia is far from the only country that’s been accused of sportswashing. When it comes to soccer, the likes of Russia and Qatar have already laid down the roadmap for hosting the World Cup, Abu Dhabi owns the City Football Group, and Chinese clubs famously went on an ill-fated spending spree of their own last decade in the hopes of increasing their country’s league’s presence. F1 races are also held in Qatar, Azerbaijan, Bahrain, Singapore, and the UAE. Money has also unfortunately become a much greater force in the world of sports, both in the public and behind closed doors. Just look at the state of college athletics, or (for international comparison) how much a place has to go through to host the Olympics and how negatively those efforts can impact it for years afterwards. I’d also be neglectful to not mention my own country, its growing influence on the international sports scene, and the amount of funds fueled into its most popular sports. But for my money (heh), Saudi Arabia has been the largest and most effective example of both, and poses the biggest threat to the sanctity of sports in the near future. 

Oh, and it doesn’t help that the Raiders have their fingerprints all over this. In addition to Brady (now a minority owner of the team), Maxx Crosby and Brock Bowers will be competing, while Pete Carroll will coach one of the teams. Plus, the actual announcement of Brady’s participation (as well as the greater announcement of the competition as a whole) took place just outside one of the endzones at Allegiant Stadium. The fact that my favorite team is involved in any way in the aforementioned sports-washing scheme is sickening. Sadly, it’s a feeling I’ve felt before.

When listing the various examples of Saudi Arabia getting involved in sports, I neglected to include one major piece: professional wrestling. Back in 2018, WWE began a ten-year partnership with the Saudi Ministry of Sport. This has resulted in a series of PPV events that have taken place in Saudi Arabia — specifically Riyadh and Jeddah. The second event in the country — Crown Jewel — took place a month after Khashoggi’s assassination. Female talent were originally not allowed to perform at the events, and only do so now while wearing significantly more conservative attire (while men can continue to perform shirtless and in revealing trunks). Various other criticisms common with Saudi sports have also been levied at these events. 

But there’s another major criticism fans have levied towards these Saudi PPVs: they suck, and are often nonsensical. While this can certainly be true of events anywhere in the world, Saudi shows seem to be in their own world where nothing really matters. The headline match of the first event, the Greatest Royal Rumble, is considered a one-off and included sumo wrestler Hiroki Sumi, who was a stand-in for WWE HOFer Yokozuna. Saudi officials reportedly pushed for Yokozuna’s inclusion, despite him being dead for nearly 20 years. In 2019, a plane carrying some 200 WWE staff and wrestlers was stuck on the runway for many hours due to either mechanical issues or disputes over payments (depending on who you believe). Saudi cards have also been populated by “big name” wrestlers who have either been retired or are well past their prime. Those matches — featuring the likes of Shawn Michaels, the Undertaker, Triple H, and Goldberg — have mostly been disasters. Even matches with current stars and champions have mostly ranged from mediocre to terrible due to booking or other issues. Some wrestlers have also refused to participate in Saudi events due to the various issues listed above. Still, in a way, these events could be tolerated due to the shows being booked like special one-offs.

However, things have recently gotten worse. In January, it was revealed that the 2026 edition of the Royal Rumble — one of WWE’s most historic events and one of the biggest wrestling shows of the year — would be held in Riyadh. While many fans were upset about the news, the big one was set to come. Last month — the day after September 11th, specifically — WWE announced that WrestleMania 43 would take place in Riyadh in 2027. Wrestlemania is undisputedly the biggest annual wrestling show in the world and has been for decades. It’s the Super Bowl of wrestling, and getting to host one is a big deal. Every edition through Wrestlemania 42 (set for next year in Las Vegas) has been held in the U.S. But there are other countries with huge wrestling followings, and in recent years there has been a growing push to have a Wrestlemania overseas. Many figured the first such show would be in London, with the U.K. a major hotbed for European wrestling. Incredible crowds at shows in France, Italy, and Australia have thrown their names in the hat. Some even considered Tokyo — home of New Japan-Pro Wrestling. Instead, WWE went with the money and sent the showcase of the immortals to Saudi Arabia.

To say that the vast majority of wrestling fans were pissed would be like saying the majority of NFL fans weren’t happy about the Kansas City Chiefs reaching three straight Super Bowls. The actual announcement — which included wrestlers who looked like they were being held hostage — was made without press in attendance. It was streamed on YouTube, but the live chat was disabled midway through due to commenters spamming things like “You sold out” and “AEW.” Virtually every prominent figure outside of WWE has criticized the decision, with many fans saying they plan to do the unthinkable: boycott Wrestlemania. At the very least, they’re pushing AEW to counterprogram by running an event that same weekend. Either way, this definitely feels like a turning point with WWE’s partnership with Saudi Arabia, a line that’s been crossed purely for money. At this point, it’s too early to tell exactly what will happen, but it’s definitely worth continuing to monitor. It’s also part of the reason why I have decided to not attend any WWE events, pay for their streaming services, or buy their merch for the foreseeable future.

Of course, sport is just one area of foreign investment. If I went through all of the various economic contributions, agreements, investments, etc. Saudi Arabia has made in many countries (including the U.S.), it would take up the entire newsletter. There are also much more pressing and overall important areas where these funds are going that should be generating much more concern than sportswashing. But then maybe that’s proof of concept — sport has so much soft power that it’s taking up the headlines and discussion time instead of those other issues.

For the record, let me say that when it comes to the many criticisms of these sports events being held in Saudi Arabia, I and most others bear no ill will towards the people of Saudi Arabia. They are just trying to live their lives in a country with one of the worst human rights abuse records on the planet and should be excited about these events coming to where they live. This has often been the sole silver lining when it comes to these events taking place. But for me, it’s not enough to look the other way.

So in the next six months, as this contrived flag football competition gets closer and the NFL, its teams and players, and major sports media (especially Fox Sports) bring it up more and more, don’t buy into the hype. It may just be a simple flag football game, but underneath the surface it’s a hell of a lot deeper, darker, and bloodier than that. Plus, it’s just the first drop in the bucket — like the ads on RedZone. Maybe I need to revise my predictions on the next international market the NFL will visit for a regular season game, because it seems like Saudi Arabia is rising up the rankings. If/when that happens — or maybe even the next time you fire up the console for a game of Madden — just remember what it took and what it represents.

Every sport and every league and every country’s sports system has a dark side, and more often than not we’re better off not thinking about it. But I can’t in good conscience do that this time. I’m not sure what my price would be, but it’s a hell of a lot more than nothing.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

THE ANTARCTICANS (4-0) VS. SPIDER 2 Y BANANA (3-1)

Well, my effort to prove the Antarcticans haven’t been the beneficiary of copious amounts of bullshit isn’t going to be helped by the fact that Spider 2 Y Banana could be without Lamar Jackson (my own star player from last season) this week. Now, Justin Fields should still shred the Cowboys and Jimmy overall should have a good game, so I don’t want to hear any excuses. All four of our eyes will be looking at Philadelphia, with both A.J. Brown and Saquon Barkley — not to mention the Eagles defense — taking the field for this top-of-the-standings clash.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-1) VS. THE LAST GAMBLE (2-2)

Who would’ve predicted that an early season clash between Richard and Emilio would not only be exciting, but also a potential provider of an edge towards the playoffs? The Krispy Kritters will not be at full strength though, with both Bijan Robinson and D.J. Moore out this week. Dak Prescott, Kenneth Walker, and Jameson Williams will have to carry the offense. Meantime, The last gamble is thrilled to have Jayden Daniels back (though Deebo Samuel still has issues). Emilio will need Jahmyr Gibbs to step up again (and for Prescott to target Jake Ferguson).

DON’T DRAFT AND DRIVE (1-3) VS. THIRD TIME’S A CHARM (2-2)

Don’t Draft and Drive seems eager to shake off the bad start and climb up the standings. Kyle seems to be in a great position to win — Jared Goff and Amon-Ra St. Brown should torch the Bengals, Emeka Egbuka should keep tearing it up, De’Von Achane has a good matchup, and Quentin Johnston could negate some of the damage Justin Herbert could do for Third Time’s A Charm. Still, Chriss has plenty of potential as well with the likes of James Cook, Omarion Hampton, Garrett Wilson, and Brock Bowers. Ja’Marr Chase showing up would be nice, too.

THE INJURED RESERVES (2-2) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (2-2)

Already walking wounded, the Injured Reserves also have a matchup problem this week. Baker Mayfield and Chris Godwin are up against the Seahawks defense, which is also in Arik’s lineup. All things considered, Arik should probably just hope for a high-scoring game (the defense is easily the most expendable of the bunch). He should also hope the Broncos can slow down Jalen Hurts and Jake Elliott. But Three Eyed Ravens has plenty of other options, like Jonathan Taylor and Xavier Worthy. Ewing might get lucky here with what could be an easy victory.

BONE 2 BONE (1-3) VS. QUEEN’S GAMBIT (2-2)

Josh Allen being the Fire God aside, Queen’s Gambit might be in trouble this week. Derrick Henry could be without Lamar Jackson, Brian Thomas Jr. is facing a tough defense, and the 49ers defense must compensate for a lineup more injured than Arik’s. Meantime, Bone 2 Bone is coming off a win and has both Daniel Jones and the Lions defense in fantastic matchups. Still, Christian McCaffrey is facing the same issues as Henry, and we’ve counted Aly out before to poor results. Both will be looking to London to see Justin Jefferson and Jordan Addison.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (0-4) VS. LET ME WHISPER IN JAHMYR (2-2)

Will this be the week Footballdamus gets into the win column? Not if Riaz’s lineup (which still includes an injured Mike Evans) has anything to say about it. That being said, there are some matchup troubles that could leave Let Me Whisper in Jahmyr wide open. Bo Nix is facing the Eagles, Josh Jacobs is out, and Ashton Jeanty is facing a tougher defense. Still, Nick does have the Bills defense ready to go and Jaxon Smith-Njigba should have a big day. Riaz has to overcome some tough matches of his own and hope Bucky Irving’s injury isn’t that bad.

ONE LAST THING

Some football fans bitch and moan about having to run a beer mile after finishing last place in their fantasy football leagues two years in a row. Then, there’s Chase Bandolik, who decided to challenge himself this football season. Unfortunately, it might actually kill him.

Bandolik — a former college football player and a current gym owner and ultra runner — made it a goal to run a mile for each point his favorite NFL team loses by each week. It started during last season and he’s committed to doing it for the entirety of this season. That included the preseason, although his team went unbeaten this year so he didn’t have to take a single step. However, he’s more than made up for it so far in the regular season.

You see, Bandolik is a Chicago Bears fan. That alone would be enough to garner plenty of sympathy. But throw in this challenge and you might want to start planning his funeral, or at least get him to file a lawsuit against the franchise.

It started innocently enough, with the 27-24 defeat to the Minnesota Vikings in Week 1 meaning a meager three-mile trot. I’m pretty sure I could do that — in a day, but still. But things quickly got out of control in Week 2, with the Detroit Lions curb stomping the Bears 52-21 — a 31-point beatdown. That meant poor Bandolik had to run 31 miles — equating to a 50K and technically qualifying as an ultramarathon. Bandolik documented the grueling experience on TikTok, which blew up and even caused the Lions to get in on the act.

But then a funny thing happened — the Bears started winning. An ass-whooping of the Dallas Cowboys and the aforementioned contribution to my descent into sadness have given Chicago a winning streak, and things could continue to get better. The Bears’ next five games are against a Washington Commanders squad that could still be missing Jayden Daniels, the New Orleans Saints, a Baltimore Ravens squad that could still be missing Lamar Jackson, the Joe Burrow-less Cincinnati Bengals, and the New York Giants. 

It’s not unreasonable to think Chicago could follow up forcing a fan to run a literal ultramarathon with winning seven games in a row. Spreading those 31 miles out over a similar seven-week span, you get a pretty good workout of just over four miles a week. That’s a far cry from the torture everyone predicted after the Lions game. Funny enough, the wins also mean Bandolik doesn’t even get to post another video of him running a lot of miles, meaning fewer pieces of notable content and fewer chances of getting more followers. Even when his team wins, Bandolik’s professional life takes a hit.

So, will the Bears’ good fortune continue, or will they give Bandolik more miles to run (and more content to post)? Only time will tell. We, like Bandolik himself, must take it one step at a time. 

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 & 2024 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness