Every year, we wait more than half a year for the NFL to return. Yet every year, it seems the regular season goes by even more quickly. Just like that, there are only four games left in the regular season. Pretty soon, we’ll be gathering to watch Super Bowl LX. But until then, we have our own Super Bowl to play for. The fantasy football regular season is over — now it’s win or go home, for the right to hold the trophy that’s currently sitting next to my TV.
As each year passes and the passage of time gets even more extreme, we continue to adjust ourselves and our habits. Take the holiday we recently celebrated: Thanksgiving. For more than half of our lives at this point, this general friend group has gathered virtually every Thanksgiving to take part in some kind of sport. For the longest time, it was naturally football, which provided countless memorable moments (including the time Jimmy almost broke my nose by landing on my face during a tackle). But as the years passed, we got older. Like NFL players have a tougher time keeping up with the grind of the season, so too do we have a tougher time going out in the freezing cold and tackling each other. It was one thing when we were all active and playing sports. Now, we’ve been worn down by time and a concentration on work and family to keep our bodies hardened for athleticism and contact (besides Ewing and Chriss, obviously, who have actually managed to stay in shape). So to keep Thanksgiving tradition alive, we’ve had to adjust tradition by switching to different, lower-contact sports. For example: golf.
10-15 years ago, if you would’ve told most of us (again, except Ewing, who got into golf while recovering from surgery as a teen) that we’d care about the seemingly boring sport of golf a lot in the near future, we would’ve called you crazy. Then again, if you would’ve told me I’d actually be excited about getting underwear and socks for Christmas one day, I wouldn’t have believed you, either. But the league as a whole has taken a much greater liking to golf in recent years, with every member not currently eligible for AARP taking part in at least one round every few months or so. We’ve met up for golf to celebrate holidays (more on that later), traveled to play new courses, and even played golf (as well as “golf”) at bachelor parties. As a recent golf convert and participant myself, I think this change is a good one — it gives us an excuse to hang out and drink while still technically being active and playing sports. Plus, given that most of us didn’t really play it growing up, we don’t have that hardcore competitiveness built in like we do with other sports. If we lose or we suck, it’s no big deal. We celebrate each other’s success. We’re happy for each other (except for Ewing when I beat him that one round we played on Christmas). As a whole, golf has oddly made us more wholesome towards each other.
So to honor the game that’s brought us closer together, I’ve made golf the theme for this special double-sized newsletter for fantasy football, which brings out the absolute most toxic traits within all of us. Grab your clubs and find your carts — let’s tee off.
RECAP OF LAST WEEK
BONE 2 BONE (8-6) DEF. THIRD TIME’S A CHARM (7-7)
107.96 – 106.96
It’s a testament to how insane this past weekend was that the closest matchup wasn’t even impacted by the shitshow on Monday night. Though Bone 2 Bone was seemingly locked into the playoffs, Third Time’s A Charm certainly wasn’t. Dad jumped out to an early lead thanks to Brandon Aubrey (24 points), but failed to build upon it, with the likes of Justin Jefferson, Brenton Strange, and Darnell Mooney having terrible days. That allowed Chriss (who had Jack Campbell [14 points] to help him out) to climb back into the matchup, with Sam Darnold (23 points) and Christian Watson (20 points). Still, Joe Burrow (25 points) and Travis Etienne (20 points) kept Dad in the lead until Sunday night. While the likes of Ja’Marr Chase should’ve put Chriss in a better position, he still had Kareem Hunt and Rashee Rice to make up about 13 points. But then Texans-Chiefs turned into a defensive battle, leaving the result up to the final drive of the game. Chriss ended up just one point behind Dad, putting him at risk of missing the playoffs entirely.
SPIDER 2 Y BANANA (9-5) DEF. DON’T DRAFT AND DRIVE (7-7)
118.26 – 115.36
While Spider 2 Y Banana had already clinched a playoff spot and Don’t Draft and Drive had tallied enough points to already have one foot in the door, the outcome of this matchup was set to have a major impact on the final standings either way. Both Jimmy and Kyle’s lineups decided to go completely hit or miss in this crucial clash, with the majority being hits. Those include Lamar Jackson (22 points), Michael Wilson (27 points), Chase Brown (15 points), and Nico Collins (12 points), not to mention Jared Goff, RJ Harvey, De’Von Achane, Jake Bates, and the Broncos defense — all of which scored 16 points each. As Sunday turned to Monday, Kyle stood with a healthy lead over Jimmy, with both having a member of the Eagles going to end the week. Unfortunately for Kyle, DeVonta Smith was a victim of Jalen Hurts’ war crime of a game. Also unfortunately for Kyle, Jimmy had Saquon Barkley (18 points), who did just well enough to squeak out the win and clinch the second seed in the playoffs and drop Kyle in the standings.
THE ANTARCTICANS (10-4) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (7-7)
84.90 – 80.44
So after back-to-back weeks of being the week’s top scorer, the Antarcticans choose the week before the playoffs to come back to earth with a heavy thud. Three players — THREE — in my lineup managed to crack double-digits. Yet somehow, I managed to win. Well, not somehow — I know exactly how I won. First, Puka Nacua (28 points) put in some friggin work. Then, the Krispy Kritters somehow crapped the bed worse than me. It didn’t seem like it would start that way, with Dak Prescott (21 points) and Jameson Williams getting Richard off to a good start. But then the rest of his lineup went to work, with his team and mine battling to see who could whiff at the most pitches. At the end of Sunday, I had what seemed to be a solid lead, despite Pat Mahomes’ best efforts. A.J. Brown had seemingly done enough to counteract Jake Elliott (17 points), but then Eagles-Chargers went into OT. As I braced myself for a final FG to sink me for good, Hurts threw another INT and I managed to escape, while Richard’s fate suddenly became much murkier.
BIJAN MUSTARD (8-6) DEF. LET ME WHISPER IN JAHMYR (7-7)
107.74 – 85.78
Out of everyone in the league, perhaps no one benefited from this past weekend’s results than Bijan Mustard. From sitting precariously in the final playoff spot to jumping up to the top half of the playoff bracket, Emilio made massive gains. What’s more, he managed to do that despite Tyrod Taylor missing most of the game with an injury (and finishing with negative points), and despite starting multiple members of the Titans. Let’s give credit to Devin Neal (15 points), Jaylen Waddle (13 points), Cedric Gray (12 points), and Zay Flowers (12 points). But the real reason Emilio ran away with this is because Jahmyr Gibbs (30 points) once again went god mode. Ironically, this performance came against the team named after him. Let Me Whisper in Jahmyr didn’t get off to a good start, despite the best efforts of Jaxson Smith-Njigba (21 points) and Josh Jacobs (15 points). Nick could never get anything going and ultimately dropped to the bottom of the playoff standings, needing things to go this way to remain in the postseason chase.
THE INJURED RESERVES (6-7) DEF. QUEEN’S GAMBIT (4-9)
134.54 – 99.14
The most impactful matchup of the entire week ended up being the most boring, with the Injured Reserves using a bunch of Rams and Seahawks players to easily dispatch Queen’s Gambit, despite Josh Allen (37 points) once again turning into a fire god. But the effects of this result are incredibly widespread. While Arik was basically guaranteed to clinch a playoff spot with a win, the sheer amount of points he scored not only made that a reality, but moved him several spots up the standings. In addition, Arik’s win immediately put Richard, Nick, and Chriss in danger of missing out entirely. Ultimately, by only a handful of points, Chriss was the odd man out. A combined six points from both winning this week and making it into the playoffs on points anyway, Chirss instead is on the outside looking in. But of course, this matchup impacted the bottom of the standings as well. Aly’s loss left the door open for a chance for the collapse to be completed, for the last place team to change for the first time in several months. Guess what happened…
FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-9) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (5-9)
79.34 – 75.30
It happened. It actually freaking happened. One year after Dad completed his own great escape from last place after starting 0-8, Footballdamus made an arguably more improbable comeback. Riaz started 0-7, had the perfect mix of roster injuries and poor performances, and scored by far the fewest points out of anyone in the league. But then a shocking streak of his opponents playing down to competition gave Riaz life, leading to a scenario where a loss by Aly and a win over her husband would mean he didn’t have to run a beer mile. With the former taken care of, Riaz’s lineup once again shat the bed. Just three of Riaz’s players finished in double-digits and he once again failed to crack 80 points. Yet, Riaz still had the lead, with Three Eyed Ravens somehow performing even worse. Even then, Ewing still had Jalen Hurts to close a ten-point gap on Monday. But Hurts had five more turnovers (two of them on the same play) than TDs and Ewing failed to mount a comeback, sending himself onto the track in Riaz’s place.
STANDINGS
FINAL LEAGUE STANDINGS:
- The Antarcticans (10-4)
- Spider 2 Y Banana (9-5)
- Bone 2 Bone (8-6)
- Bijan Mustard (8-6)
- Don’t Draft and Drive (7-7)
- The Injured Reserves (7-7)
- The Krispy Kritters (7-7)
- Let Me Whisper In Jahmyr (7-7)
- Third Time’s A Charm (7-7)
- Three Eyed Ravens (5-9)
- Footballdamus (5-9)
- Queen’s Gambit (4-10)
BATTLE FOR THE BOBBLEHEAD RESULTS:
- Don’t Draft and Drive (1517.82)
- Bone 2 Bone (1482.64)
- Spider 2 Y Banana (1467.72)
- The Antarcticans (1459.40)
- The Injured Reserves (1440.10)
- Three Eyed Ravens (1433.96)
- The Krispy Kritters (1422.44)
- Let Me Whisper in Jahmyr (1416.62)
- Third Time’s A Charm (1412.42)
- Bijan Mustard (1380.52)
- Queen’s Gambit (1274.36)
- Footballdamus (1180.96)
DRINK PUNISHMENT TRACKER:
- Aly (125.16) –> Nick (68.34) [Buzzballz of Nick’s choice]*
- Emilio (128.00) –> Aly (68.32) [Southern Tier Pumpking Imperial Pumpkin Ale]**
- Ewing (155.94) –> Richard (81.44) [Boilermaker]***
- Nick (132.84) –> Arik (69.06) [Happy Dad Seltzer]
- Kyle (123.82) –> Riaz (87.40) [Shot of Fireball]****
- Ruben (133.28) –> Riaz (66.26) [Sake Bomb]****
- Nick (141.86) –> Riaz (49.46) [Coors Light]****
- Chriss (142.98) –> Arik (66.98) [Golden State Cider]
- Chriss (133.80) –> Emilio (59.22) [Twisted Tea]
- Emilio (153.88) –> Chriss (64.50) [Alesmith Speedway Stout]*****
- Richard (126.52) –> Chriss (57.14) [Sierra Nevada Pale Ale]
- Ruben (123.88) –> Aly (83.72) [Hangar 24 Orange Wheat]
- Ruben (140.34) –> Aly (63.92) [Shot of Whiskey]******
- Arik (134.54) –> Ewing (75.30) [Lagunitas Maximus Hazy IPA]
* Nick chose Watermelon Splash — two of them for some reason
** Aly was offered a choice between that and Altamont Maui Waui IPA
*** Richard consumed a shot of tequila and a glass of beer separately, despite a Boilermaker being a shot of whiskey dropped into a glass of beer and chugged. However, Ewing accepted the alternative, so Richard’s punishment was considered fulfilled
**** The punishment was delayed until November due to Riaz partaking in Sober October
***** Chriss had a choice between that and Victoria Vicky Chamoy
****** Aly was allowed to choose whichever whiskey she wanted
BEST & WORST
UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE
BEST: When a team has had such poor luck that they literally change their name to the Injured Reserves, you’d expect them to be well out of the playoff push. Instead, Arik not only ended the season with about 260 points in the past two weeks, but managed to finish as the No. 6 seed. I’m not even sure Arik expected himself to still have a shot at the championship at this moment.WORST: Jalen Hurts’ five-turnover Monday night meltdown is one of the most un-clutch efforts I’ve ever seen and the perfect cap on Ewing’s meek effort to not sleep on the couch. But throw in the rest of his lineup generally being awful — including his own beloved TE Mark Andrews putting up a goose egg after signing a new contract — and Ewing sunk to new lows this past weekend.
TRANSACTION
BEST: With the Patriots defense on a bye, Jimmy needed a new one to fill its place. Playing the matchups, Jimmy chose the Dolphins defense, thinking they would dominate the Jets. Not only was Jimmy correct, but Miami put up just enough points to help him eke out the win over Kyle and secure the No. 2 seed in the playoffs (on top of other, larger impacts on the seeding).
WORST: Perhaps suffering as an actual Dolphins fan, Emilio swapped out Tua Tagovailoa for Tyrod Taylor. While Tagovailoa failed to crack double-digits, Taylor got hurt after putting up negative points. But Emilio wasn’t punished in part due to Nick adding the Commanders defense (who got killed by the Vikings) when other defenses (like the Dolphins) were still available.
LINEUP DECISION
BEST: Despite losing Joe Burrow for a huge part of the season, Dad has hung on thanks in part to the effort of Daniel Jones. But with Burrow back on the field, Dad suddenly had a choice to make at QB. That choice was Jones, until hours before the early Sunday slate, when Dad made a change. Burrow had 25 points, Jones got hurt, and Dad won by a single point. Good choice.
WORST: Oh, where do we begin? Ewing putting Tony Pollard (28 points) in over Chris Rodriguez would’ve kept Riaz in last place. Chriss swapping in David Montgomery or Omarion Hampton over Kareem Hunt would’ve had him in the playoffs and sent Nick home. Kyle putting Amon-Ra St. Brown in over DeVonta Smith would’ve given him the No. 2 seed. There’s a lot to go on here.
LUCK
BEST: After starting 0-7, Riaz rallied to finish 5-2 and not finish in last place. That being said, Riaz scored over 100 points in just one of those five wins, the majority came despite him failing to break the 80-point barrier. Yet, Riaz took advantage of his opponents playing down to their competition, riding an incredible reversal of luck to make the improbable escape from death.
WORST: Ewing has to run a beer mile because Jalen Hurts has one of the worst games by a QB in history. But even then, this section has to go to Chriss. After all, finishing just five points out of a playoff spot and even being in that position in the first place because he lost to Dad just by a single point just seems like some terrible luck, which is all Chriss seems to know at this point.
SWINGING FOR THE TROPHY
14 weeks later, the field of 12 has been narrowed to eight. Let’s see who made the cut.
1. THE ANTARCTICANS
Oh shit oh fuck oh no how the hell did I finish on top of the standings? The Antarcticans spent the first overall pick on the most inconsistent Pat Mahomes of all-time (yet somehow more consistent than A.J. Brown), lost their most productive RB halfway through the season, still doesn’t have a TE, and surpassed the 100-point mark barely half the time in the regular season. Sure, Puka Nacua has been amazing. But how am I 10-4? This isn’t like three years ago, when I had by far the best team in the league. I’m as confused as you are. The worst part about all of this is that as the No. 1 seed and the reigning champ, I have a massive target on my back and have to deal with the curse of being the top overall seed (which rarely wins the championship). Fantastic.
2. SPIDER 2 Y BANANA
As the man himself will tell you, it’s been a long time since Jimmy first put his name on the trophy. While the gap between now and then threatens to get bigger, Jimmy may finally be back with his best shot at winning the league in 13 years. Spider 2 Y Banana has deservedly earned the No.2 seed thanks to a combination of good drafting, dealing, and signing. Davante Adams, Javonte Williams, Trey McBride, RJ Harvey, Nico Collins — all have been productive this season. Plus, Jimmy also somehow ended up with both Lamar Jackson and Saquon Barkely. While both have been underwhelming this season, consider that Jimmy still went 9-5 despite those struggles. Imagine if they get their shit together. That’s what Jimmy is hoping for as the playoffs begin.
3. BONE 2 BONE
When Bone 2 Bone started 0-3 for the second straight season, it seemed like Dad was in for another battle to not finish in last place. But then suddenly things clicked into gear and Dad has never looked back, scoring at least 90 points in each of the past six weeks and ten of the past 11 weeks. How did he do this? Christian McCaffrey for once is healthy. Quinshon Judkins and Tetairoa McMillan were inspired picks. Daniel Jones was a smart replacement for Joe Burrow. Now, Dad could get even better, thanks to the return of Burrow (just in time to recover from Jones’ injury) and the potential of Justin Jefferson benefiting from J.J. McCarthy (also on Dad’s roster) not playing like historic dog shit. Dad is hoping to finally take the final step.
4. BIJAN MUSTARD
With all of the teams with the same record at the end of the season, there were bound to be some late swings in the standings. Perhaps no one took advantage of this as much as Bijan Mustard, which rocketed up to the No. 4 seed. But this doesn’t mean Emilio doesn’t deserve to have a high spot in the standings. While the majority of the first part of the season was mediocre for him, Emilio has been secretly scorching over the past month or so. The key to Emilio’s rise has been his running game, led by Jahmyr Gibbs and TreVeyon Henderson and recently aided by Woody Marks and Devin Neal. The QB position has been shaky, but Jaxson Dart at least promises to provide some points. But Emilio faces a tough challenge right out of the gate.
5. DON’T DRAFT AND DRIVE
Remember when Don’t Draft and Drive started 0-3 and we thought there was a shot that Kyle wouldn’t make the playoffs? Yeah, that was an interesting few weeks. All Kyle has done since then is score more points than anyone in the league and become the team no one wants to face in the postseason (myself included). Kyle can choose between Drake Maye or Jared Goff at QB, while also boasting an arsenal (heh) of skill players like Amon-Ra St. Brown, Chase Brown, De’Von Achane, DeVonta Smith, and Emeka Egbuka. Hell, there’s even Travis Kelce (or at least the shell of him). For someone who doesn’t believe in defense, Kyle also happened to snag the Broncos defense as well. No matter what, Kyle will be a hazard for any team in the playoffs.
6. THE INJURED RESERVES
For a team that has lost so many players to short-term and long-term injuries that they were literally renamed the Injured Reserves, anything but last place would’ve been a notable accomplishment. But Arik went a few steps further and managed to not only make the playoffs, but nab the No. 6 seed. Arik has been forced to adjust, and adjust well he has. His roster now boasts both the MVP QB (Matthew Stafford) and RB corps (Kyren Williams and Blake Corum) of the top seed in the NFC. Rico Dowdle, CeeDee Lamb, Kyle Monangai, and the Seahawks defense have also been productive. Somehow, despite everything that’s gone wrong, Arik has gotten a ticket to the dance. Now, he might as well just win the whole thing while he’s here.
7. THE KRISPY KRITTERS
For the Krispy Kritters, this season has been a mixed bag, one that ended with him barely scraping into the playoffs. For Richard, previously two-time reigning last place finisher, that’s a hell of an improvement. Things have been largely boom or bust for Richard, where he either scores a lot and (mostly) wins or scores a little and loses. But Richard got enough wins and is unexpectedly three more wins away from winning the title. Dak Prescott and the Cowboys’ pursuit of a playoff spot will be key to Richard’s future success, as are the hopes of Jameson Williams, Bijan Robinson, Kenneth Walker, Tyler Warren, Terry McLaurin, and the Rams defense being consistently good instead of inconsistent. It would complete quite a remarkable turnaround.
8. LET ME WHISPER IN JAHMYR
Nick has seen seasons of swings and sharp turns, and this one was no exception. Despite a rough first two weeks, Let Me Whisper in Jahmyr quickly established themselves as contenders, at one point claiming the top spot in the standings. Then the second half of the season began and Nick went 2-5, finishing above 90 points just once in the final four weeks. Still, Nick did enough early on to ensure his ticket. Like the team as a whole, Nick’s players reflect both extremes. Bo Nix, Jauan Jennings, Ladd McConkey, Josh Jacobs, Ashon Jeanty, and Kyle Pitts can both do well and do poorly (Jaxon Smith-Njigba is amazing, though). While Nick might have made the playoffs by a mere four-and-a-half points, at least he made it in the end. It could be worse.
While eight teams still have a shot at acing the season, four teams are going home early. Let’s look at those who would like a mulligan or two.
9. THIRD TIME’S A CHARM
Rarely does a team have such bad luck that I openly feel bad for them. But damn, Chriss. I’m sorry, man. You did not deserve this. Two weeks aside, Third Time’s A Charm had scored enough to give Chriss a shot at his ultimate goal: return to the Epic Bowl for a third straight season and win it this time. But a combination of close losses and bad luck kept him from reaching his true potential. Despite good play from Sam Darnold and Justin Herbert, the likes of Rashee Rice, James Cook, Brock Bowser, and Ja’Marr Chase were too inconsistent. But Chriss still had a good shot at the end of the season and in fact did well — just not well enough. Missing out on both the final win and the final playoff spot by fewer than a combined five points is quite heartbreaking.
10. THREE EYED RAVENS
I could do a quick recap of the Three Eyed Ravens’ season, but I’d rather paraphrase what Ewing told me when I called him immediately following the Eagles-Chargers game. And I quote, “Fuck this fucking shit. Fuck this stupid game. I hate his fucking sport. Seriously, what has football done for me this year? For years? I can’t win in fantasy. The Ravens can’t fucking win. Fuck football. I’m just going to be a golf fan from now on.” Well, hopefully the theme of the newsletter will help ease that pain a little bit. Also, yeah, missing the playoffs yourself while your QB has a historic meltdown on primetime and ensures that your wife finishes in last place and you have to run a beer mile (not to mention the Baltimore Ravens’ own struggles) will do that to anyone.
11. FOOTBALLDAMUS
One year after Dad managed to not finish in last place despite starting 0-8, Riaz might’ve pulled off an even greater escape. Footballdamus lost every game in the first half of the season. Riaz only managed to score triple-digits twice all year, including the first week (which he lost to Aly of all people). Yet despite all of that, Riaz went on an inconceivable 5-2 run in the second half of the season, which weirdly began by beating Jimmy, who scored 130 points. But after that, Riaz’s wins came in fantasy football equivalents of the Colts-Broncos and Commanders-Bears Thursday games from a few years ago. Make no mistake about it, Riaz not finishing last was an absolute fluke. But it was a fluke we all were rooting for at the end of the year. Well, maybe not everyone.
12. QUEEN’S GAMBIT
For someone who had never played fantasy football until a few years ago, Aly has truly run the gamut here in the Epic League. In her first season, Queen’s Gambit was mediocre in the regular season but ended up winning the whole thing. The following year, Aly was the league’s top scorer and top playoff seed, only to crash out in the quarter-finals. This year, Aly checked off the only remaining finish: dead last. While on paper her squad wasn’t the worst team (technically she scored only the second-fewest points), they were bad enough to turn a 2-2 start into two wins in their final ten games. One of those losses came against Riaz, allowing fate to ultimately come to pass. In the end, Aly did make history: the first person to win both trophies in our league.
GRANDPA FOOTBALL
For once, I actually had time to react to insane breaking news in the NFL!
The Indianapolis Colts were arguably the greatest story of the first half of the NFL season, improbably embarking on a 7-1 start behind the engine that is Jonathan Taylor and the redemption story of Daniel Jones. The Colts decided to go all in and traded for Sauce Gardner, hoping to capitalize on their hot start and a year of normal contenders taking a step back. But then the bad luck and injuries started to pile up, with the latest being Jones himself, out for the rest of the season with a torn Achilles. So, still holding an 8-5 record but currently out of the playoff picture and teetering on the brink of a collapse, the Colts are desperate to now have this once-promising season turn into a wasted year.
So naturally, they turned to a 44-year-old HOF semi-finalist and grandfather who hasn’t played in nearly five years.
With Jones out for the year, Anthony Richardson on IR, third stringer Riley Leonard dealing with an injury as well, and Brett Rypien as the only other QB left on the roster, the Colts have signed Philip Rivers to their practice squad. You are reading that correctly. Rivers worked out for Indianapolis on Monday and apparently impressed enough for the deal to be made. While Rypien (or Leonard if he’s healthy) will likely start this week against the Seattle Seahawks, the fact that Rivers even has a chance of playing another down in the NFL is absolutely insane and might just be the perfect cherry to go on top of this already bizarre season.
It would be one thing if Rivers was relatively young or at least in his 30s. Instead, he just turned 44 this week, making him the oldest player in the league (and taking that title away from comparative youngin, 41-year-old Aaron Rodgers). It would also be one thing if Rivers had just played last season. But, he actually last played on January 9, 2021, having since become a multi-year head coach in Fairhope, Alabama. In fact, should he see the field, Rivers would become the first QB 40 years or older to go at least 1,800 days between starts in NFL history. The only other QB to even be in the same scope in terms of time and age started just one game, a 28-7 loss in which he threw for just 117 yards, no TDs, and an INT (more on him later). It would also be one thing if Rivers was just some journeyman getting another chance thanks to a good relationship with a coach or coordinator. But Rivers was recently announced as a HOF semi-finalist and is projected to get in eventually. That being said, if he takes a snap, Rivers’ HOF eligibility gets pushed back by another five years.
Simply put, there is no precedent for someone of Rivers’ age, rust, and ability in the NFL.
That being said, what could we possibly expect from Rivers should he eventually see the field? In his final season (with the Colts, as it turns out), Rivers went 11-5, while throwing for 4,169 yards, 24 TDs, 11 INTs, and a 68% completion rate, and led Indianapolis to the playoffs. In his final game, Rivers went 27/46 for 309 yards and two TDs and nearly brought the Colts back from an eventual 27-24 road defeat to the Buffalo Bills. While those stats were certainly not the best of Rivers’ career, they were also far from his worst and honestly not bad for a modern QB (especially for the Chicago Bears). That being said, it was also nearly five full regular seasons ago. For some perspective, five years before his final season (2015), Rivers threw for career highs in passing yards (on career high completions and attempts) and six more TDs (as well as two more INTs). It would be reasonable to expect another decline, especially given the fact that, you know, he’s 44 and hasn’t played in five years. Then again, Colts head coach Shane Steichen not only worked with Rivers as the Chargers QB coach, but Rivers runs Steichen’s offense for the high school team he coaches.
We also have to look at the current Colts squad. Somewhere in there is the team that started 7-1 with an MVP candidate RB. The defense is still solid and all of their losses which didn’t include a season-ending injury to their starting QB were by one score to teams still in playoff contention. While they’re on a losing streak, the Colts are certainly not a bad team. That being said, they pretty much have no margin for error. While they’re still in the playoff race, there are only four games left on the schedule. Two are against the two teams ahead of them in the AFC South. The other two are against two current NFL playoff teams who boast two of the best defenses in the league. Even if Rivers has some ability left, there’s no guarantee a whopping hit by the San Francisco 49ers or Houston Texans won’t break him in half. Ultimately, Indianapolis’ best hope might be for Rivers’ old team, the Chargers — who he signed a one-day contract to retire with officially this year — to collapse and allow the Colts to nab a Wild Card spot.
Especially with Rivers unlikely to play the first game, I wouldn’t expect much. Unless Rivers can pull a rabbit out of his hat, there’s little shot this insane grasp at straws actually works. But goddamn it, I want it to happen so badly. I mean, Rivers has spent the past five years as a pretty good high school football coach, waiting for his eventual gold jacket. What’s more, Rivers has been coaching his son, Gunner, who’s a QB prospect for the Class of 2027. If you thought that made you old, Rivers’ oldest child, Halle, is the same age as Anthony Richardson. Halle recently gave birth to Rivers’ first grandchild, meaning we’re about to get a grandfather playing in the NFL in 2025. If you remember, this has happened before, with Brett Favre back in 2010.
Anyway, Rivers’ return got me thinking…
TOP 10 CRAZIEST NFL RETURNS FROM RETIREMENT
Rivers may be the latest — and, if he actually plays — craziest return from retirement in NFL history, but he’s far from the only one. Several players notable for various reasons have come out of retirement for an extra season or few. Hell, some of these are already taking place, like Brandon Graham, Darren Waller, and Frank Ragnow (whoops, not Frank Ragnow after all). Like Rivers, many of these were eventual HOFers. But while we can rank these returns based on the player, I’m more interested in the crazy stories behind their return, as well as how well they did after returning. Charles Haley might’ve come back from retirement for the San Francisco 49ers, but was little more than a depth piece. James Harrison might’ve been productive in his return from retirement, but he came back to the same team and wasn’t officially retired for much time. Tom Brady might have caused a stir by retiring for a few fortnights and then returning, but he basically never left and his last season sucked, unlike another member of the QB pantheon who also has seven championships.
HONORABLE MENTION: OTTO GRAHAM
In the 1954 NFL Championship Game between the Browns and Lions (seriously), Otto Graham passed and ran for three TDs each (becoming the only QB to do so in NFL history until Josh Allen last season) as Cleveland won 56-10. Graham retired after the game, but as the 1955 preseason began and potential replacements proved lackluster, Cleveland convinced Graham to return for one more year. All Graham did was lead the NFL in passing yards, win league MVP, and carry the Browns to a second straight NFL title victory before retiring again — for good.
HONORABLE MENTION: ROB GRONKOWSKI
While Tom Brady doesn’t get an honorable mention, his most productive receiving partner does. After the New England Patriots’ victory in Super Bowl LII, Rob Grownkowski unexpectedly retired at age 29, citing the toll pain and injuries had taken on his mental health. After sitting out all of 2019, questions began to swirl about a potential comeback after Brady signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in 2020. Sure enough, Gronkowski decided to suit up again, He played in Tampa Bay for two productive seasons, winning Super Bowl LV before retiring once again.
HONORABLE MENTION: RANDY MOSS
From one Tom Brady pass catcher to another, Randy Moss seemed to be at the end of his HOF career after a short and unproductive return to the Minnesota Vikings in 2009. After spending 2010 with the Tennessee Titans of all teams, Moss decided to call it quits and missed the entire 2011 season. But Moss said he would be willing to come out of retirement in 2012, doing so for a team with which he had no history: the San Francisco 49ers. Moss was decent and actually made some catches in Super Bowl XLVII, but hung it up for good after the 49ers lost that game.
HONORABLE MENTION: REGGIE WHITE
In 1998, Reggie White tallied 16 sacks for the Green Bay Packers and finished as a 1st Team All-Pro and NFL DPOY. It would’ve been arguably the greatest final season for a player in NFL history, had White stayed retired. But after missing all of the 1999 season, White was lured back into the NFL by, of all teams, the Carolina Panthers, who were looking to bolster their pass rush. A 38-year-old White started all 16 games, but finished with only 5.5 sacks, failed to reach the Pro Bowl for the first time since 1985, and retired for good just one year into a five-year deal.
HONORABLE MENTION: JASON WITTEN
Jason Witten will go down as one of the best TEs of his era, retiring in 2018 after 15 incredibly productive seasons with the Dallas Cowboys. But for as good as Witten was as a player, he failed to live up to expectations as an ESPN analyst for Monday Night Football. In fact, Witten was so greatly panned by fans and critics that he decided that being an NFL player was easier. He returned for two more seasons, the first with Dallas and the second for some reason as a member of the inaugural Las Vegas Raiders squad in 2020. He retired again in 2021.
10. ERIC WEDDLE
During the 2010’s, Eric Weddle was one of the best defensive backs in the NFL. A six-time Pro Bowler and five-time All-Pro member, the hard-hitting Weddle mainly played for the San Diego Chargers before spending a few years with the Baltimore Ravens. Weddle’s final full season came with the Los Angeles Rams in 2019, after which Weddle announced his retirement after 13 years in the league. But after missing the 2020 season and 2021 regular season, Weddle was contacted by the Rams, who were desperate for help in the backfield after injuries to Jordan Fuller and Taylor Rapp. Taking a reduced contract against his agent’s wishes, Weddle learned the Rams’ new defense in a matter of days, returning for the team’s playoff run, which ended in Super Bowl LVI. Weddle called plays for the defense and — despite suffering a ruptured pec in the 1st quarter — played the entire game as Los Angeles won 23-20. Weddle retired for good after finally winning a ring (and shitting on the Chargers in the process).
9. MARSHAWN LYNCH
It may be a controversial take, but Marshawn Lynch is one of the most random players in NFL history. Coupled with his somewhat eccentric personality and Lynch marched to the beat of his own drum on and off the field. Such was the case the day of Super Bowl 50 (which his Seattle Seahawks weren’t even playing in), when Lynch stole the headlines by announcing his unexpected retirement at age 29 by posting a pitcure of his cleats hung on telephone wire onto Twitter. But after missing the 2016 season, Lynch returned to the NFL in 2017 — as a member of the Oakland Raiders, having expressed a desire for young fans to see a home-grown foot.ball star play for the team before their move to Las Vegas. After two seasons with the Silver & Black, Lynch retired again, only to resign with the Seahawks for their 2018 regular season finale due to a plethora of RB injuries. Lynch remained with Seattle for the playoffs, scoring two TDs in their Divisonal Round loss to the GreenBay Packers, which would end up being Lynch’s final game.
8. RICKY WILLIAMS
After famously flaming out with the New Orleans Saints, Ricky Williams seemed to have found his groove after being traded to the Miami Dolphins in 2002. That season, Williams led the NFL in rushing and earned 1st Team All-Pro honors. But after the 2003 season, Williams tested positive for marijuana and was facing a four-game suspension. Instead, Williams decided to straight up retire from the NFL at age 27. Like most people after they retire, Williams spent 2004 studying Ayurveda, an ancient Indian system of holistic medicine. Apparently, the year off helped, as Williams not only returned in 2005 and served his suspension, but also paid back part of his signing bonus. Williams was also suspended for the 2006 season for another drug violation, but instead of retiring chose to play for the Toronto Argonauts of the CFL. Williams again returned to the Dolphins in 2007, set the NFL record for longest time between 1,000-yard seasons (six years) in 2009, and finally retired for good in 2012 after a short stint with the Baltimore Ravens.
7. RANDALL CUNNINGHAM
Before Michael Vick, Cam Newton, and Lamar Jackson, there was Randall Cunningham, an electric QB who could launch the ball downfield with accuracy as well as he could put defenders on the floor with his feet. Cunningham became a star with the Philadelphia Eagles, but suffered a torn ACL during the 1991 season opener. While Cunningham returned and was productive, it was clear that the injury had slowed him down. By the time the 1995 season ended, it seemed Cunningham was done. He retired and got into the granite, marble, and tile business, often cutting and installing tabletops and countertops himself. But in 1997, the Minnesota Vikings came calling, reuniting Cunningham with former teammate Cris Carter. When a rookie named Randy Moss joined the WR corps in 1998, Cunningham had the best season of his career, leading the Vikings to a 15-1 record and the NFC title game. His production fell off after that, as Cunningham quit for good in 2001 after stints with the Dallas Cowboys and Baltimore Ravens.
6. ED “TOO TALL” JONES
Earning his nickname due to perceived concerns about his productivity due to his 6’9″ height, Ed “Too Tall” Jones helped the Dallas Cowboys win Super Bowl XII and was in the prime of his athletic career after the 1978 season. That’s when, at age 28, he shockingly decided to retire from football to attempt a professional boxing career. From 1979 to early 1980, Jones — a former Golden Gloves fighter — fought and won six bouts (five of them by knockout). But after his final fight, Jones announced that he would return to the NFL. He later called the decision to be a boxer the best of his career, claiming the boxing training regimen helped him become a better football player. Rejoining the Cowboys in 1980, Jones reflected that claim with his improved play, becoming one of the most dominant defensive linemen of the decade. Never missing a game while an active member of the roster, Jones earned multiple All-Pro and Pro Bowl nods before retiring for good after the 1989 season, his 15th in total as a Cowboy.
5. JOHN RIGGINS
Many things are certain about John Riggins, including that he was one of the greatest RBs of all-time and had even better hair. What’s not certain is whether or not Riggins actually retired from the NFL the first time around. You see, going into the 1980 season, Riggins was in a contract dispute with Washington, who refused to renegotiate his deal. So, Riggins refused to play, with Washington placing him on the left camp/retired list and making him ineligible to play in 1980. Before the following season, new Washington coach Joe Gibbs visited Riggins at his home and made him a peace offering. Riggins asked for and was granted a no-trade clause, signed his deal, and returned to D.C. Though Riggins only played five more seasons, that was arguably the best stretch of his career, as he twice led the league in rushing and was named a 1st Team All-Pro. He also led Washington to a victory in Super Bowl XVII, being named the MVP of that game as well. Those five years were the difference as Riggins became a HOFer.
4. DEION SANDERS
After a lengthy career with the San Francisco 49ers and Dallas Cowboys — not to mention four different MLB teams — Deion Sanders suddenly called it quits after the 2000 season, just one year into a seven-year contract with Washington. Sanders nearly came back in 2002, having been released by Washington with the hopes of signing with the Oakland Raiders for a playoff run (really). But because the Raiders can’t have nice things, Sanders was claimed by the San Diego Chargers, though it was too late for him to play. Instead, Sanders had to wait until 2004, when a conversation with Ray Lewis (among others) led him to signing with the Baltimore Ravens. Sanders, wearing No. 37 in honor of his age (and because Chris McAlister was already wearing No. 21), played with the Ravens for two seasons, and even recorded his ninth career pick six (tying him for second-most in NFL history) with Baltimore. Ultimately, Sanders retired for good in 2006 and has largely remained out of the football and general media spotlight since.
3. BRETT FAVRE
You knew Brett Favre would come up here, or on any kind of list about unusual retirements. There’s even an entire section on Favre’s Wikipedia page called “retirement speculation,” showing that kind of talk began all the way back in 2002. Things ramped up in 2005, when the Green Bay Packers drafted Favre’s heir apparent, Aaron Rodgers. Three years later, it seemed Favre was finally ready to pass the torch, declaring his retirement in March 2008. But later that month, Favre began to backpedal, eventually signaling his desire to return for another year. However, the Packers had moved on, causing a major rift between the team and their now former QB. After tons of drama and back-and-forth, Favre was traded to the New York Jets, where he played for one season. After even more offseason drama, Favre did the unthinkable and signed with the Minnesota Vikings, whom he played for during his final two seasons. Fortunately, that was it when it comes to drama involving Favre or aging Packers QBs.
2. BRONKO NAGURSKI
One of the great players in the early days of the NFL, Bronko Nagurski was simply massive for his time. Often bigger than the linemen blocking for him, Nagurski was a bruising FB akin to an early 20th century version of Derrick Henry. In fact, he didn’t even sit when he got hurt, joining the offensive line instead. Nagurski spent his whole career with the Chicago Bears and initially retired after the 1937 season as a two-time NFL champ. Nagurski stayed retired for five years, until a little event known as World War II started impacting NFL rosters. The Bears had a shortage of players in 1943 and managed to lure Nagurski out of retirement (the whole story is hilarious). Late in the season, needing to defeat the Chicago Cardinals to advance to the title game, the Bears moved Nagurski back to FB, resulting in a score that sparked a 21-point comeback and victory. In the title game against Washington, Nagurski found the end zone early to give the Bears the lead. Chicago never looked back and won 41-21, as Nagurski went back into retirement.
1. STEVE DEBERG
What Philip Rivers is attempting to do is amazing, but not totally unprecedented. Steve DeBerg’s career began as a 10th round pick by the Dallas Cowboys in 1977. He spent the next 17 years as a journeyman QB (who still got some decent playing time) for the San Francisco 49ers, Denver Broncos, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Kansas City Chiefs, and Miami Dolphins. In fact, DeBerg was Miami’s QB in the infamous Leon Lett Thanksgiving Day game. After the 1993 season ended, DeBerg retired after a nearly two-decade career. Turns out, it wasn’t quite over. In 1998, DeBerg got a call from Dan Reeves, his former coach in Denver, now with the Atlanta Falcons. He was not only back in the NFL, but when Chris Chandler got hurt that season, DeBerg filled in and became the oldest starting QB in NFL history at 44 years and 279 days (since surpassed by Tom Brady). DeBerg also became the oldest player on a Super Bowl roster when Atlanta made Super Bowl XXXIII. He retired for good afterwards in the most notable QB retirement after that game.
STAT OF THE MONTH
Remember where you all were on Monday, because that was one of the most batshit insane yet incredibly impactful fantasy-wise football games of all-time. From the top of the standings to the final playoff race to the fight to avoid finishing last, Eagles-Chargers left a major mark on the Epic League. It was also full of more turnovers, mistakes, and otherwise questionable plays than your average Raiders season. As someone who had already locked in his playoff standing, I could only imagine what you all were going through (although to be fair Jake Elliott gave me quite a scare). This is especially true for Ewing, forced to watch and root for the main facilitator of those turnovers, Jalen Hurts, who finished with four INTs and a lost fumble. Although, he technically lost two fumbles… on the same play.
That play broke the “Monsters Funday Football” broadcast (and helped cement Sully’s case for DPOW). The only thing I can remotely compare to it was the time James Jones infamously fumbled twice on the same play (fun fact: I was in attendance for this). I think this play might’ve actually given Ewing a heart attack, or at least put him on the list for another head surgery to repair the two holes in his skull made by the daggers Aly stared at him with.
So, what the hell happens to Hurts and the Philadelphia Eagles now? Their offense is stuck in gear as they freefall and the Dallas Cowboys nip at their heels. They need to bounce back quickly and easily. Who’s next on their schedule? Oh, the Raiders. Yeah, nothing to worry about. Let’s see if Saquon Barkley can step it up as well.
Fun fact: Barkley is also about 1,000 yards shy of where he was last at this time last year.
Speaking of RBs on an insane pace, behold: the reason Emilio even made the playoffs, and the leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. But seriously, the way Jahmyr Gibbs can take over a game is simply amazing, and doing anything as well as Barry Sanders (especially as a Detroit Lions QB) is impressive as hell. The fact that he can do that all while dealing with Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping as neighbors is even more astounding.
So, I know that this was against the Tennessee Titans, but…
Shedeur Sanders seems to be taking the first steps towards proving a lot of people wrong. How many? At least this much.
Packers-Lions was No. 2 all-time with 47.7M viewers. Man, we really did not want to interact with any family members during Thanksgiving.
See, Philip Rivers isn’t the only old QB making history! That “catch” was definitely the most controversial ruling of the Steelers-Ravens game.
(sigh)…
MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT
A couple of weeks ago, Washington, D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser announced that she would not be running for reelection next year. I saw the Associated Press alert about the announcement and sent the information into our Teams chat at work. In one of my classic attempts to be funny (often in vain) I searched through Teams for a gif of Bowser (the Super Mario villain) to follow up the news. As I scoured the catalogue, I happened to find a gif of Brock Bowers among the rows of images of giant, fire-breathing lizards. I wondered how the Raiders’ TE got in the mix before realizing that it must be due to the system thinking “Bowers” is just “Bowser” misspelled. So, I will be referring to him as Brock Bowser from now on.
Anyway, I wanted to include that story for two reasons. First, I wanted to break up the routine for this section. Also, I wanted to make this section not completely negative, because what the hell else do I have to go on? Apart from our Silver & Black Koopa King and the occasional reminder of how productive Ashton Jeanty could be with even an average offensive line, the Raiders continue a backwards slide few fans could have imagined at the start of the season.
I’ll save my larger remarks for the season finale newsletter, when we have a more accurate assessment of where the team stands in terms of the draft after the Tank Bowl vs. the New York Giants. But man, this shit sucks. I actually go out of my way not to watch Raiders games now, because what’s the point if we know they’re going to lose? That includes the loss to Shedeur Sanders and the also terrible Cleveland Browns. This is what I said in the last newsletter:
“That being said, I will give one prediction: the Raiders will lose to the Cleveland Browns this weekend. The Browns are arguably one of the few teams worse than the Raiders and are being forced to give Shedeur Sanders (who has looked like dog crap during the entirety of his time in the NFL) his first career start. But they have a defense good enough to keep even a terrible offense in any game and the Raiders have done this before. Just a few years ago, the Raiders gave Jeff Saturday the first (and only) win of his head coaching career in his first game in charge. Plus, Sanders is going to be pissed off after someone broke into his house. History will happen again — I just dread the countdown to it happening.”
My pessimism has transformed me into Nostradamus, apparently. Rather, the Raiders have become so predictable that their awfulness is about as subtle as a dumpster fire, which is a perfect metaphor for the organization as a whole.
But apparently that predictability hasn’t isn’t as obvious to the nationwide audience as I thought. Because the Raiders can never be normal, they decided to kick a FG with just a few seconds to go while down by ten. That seemed pointless and in fact turned out to be so. But hearing from Pete Carroll about trying to get a few seconds back beforehand and knowing that the only (incredibly slim) shot at victory was a quick FG, onside kick recovery, and Hail Mary TD, I get it. Of course, the kick wasn’t quick enough and the Raiders ran out of time, making the final score 24-17 for no real reason.
To paraphrase Douglas Adams, that decision to kick a FG to end the game made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move. Turns out, the spread for the game was somewhere between 7.5 and 8.5, meaning that meaningless FG ensured the Raiders covered and flipped a lot of bets at the last possible second. One of those bets was apparently made by Barstool Sports founder and notable douchebag Dave Portnoy, who went on a profane tirade after losing $250K on the game. That rant included the following: “Murder Pete Carroll. I want Pete Carroll murdered.”
Now, I’m going to say what should be obvious to everyone, even those who aren’t notable media personalities: don’t openly call for anyone, let alone a sitting NFL head coach, to be murdered and don’t get to the point where you’re gambling so much and investing so much money, time, and emotion into sports betting that you’re openly calling for murder due to a team covering the spread. Portnoy has since apologized, clarifying that he does not in fact actually want Carroll murdered and that the ending of the game was a “metaphorical murder.” Still, put another mark on the “Dave Portnoy is a fucking tool” tally and let this serve as another reminder that gambling has gotten a way, way too large foothold on sports and our collective psyche.
After all, if you’re going to bet on anything, why not bet on whether or not you and your golf group can take down dozens of tacos on the Back 9? I’ll explain that in a minute.
#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On December 11, 1977, the franchise with (to this day) the worst winning percentage in the NFL got its first victory after 27 attempts. That franchise would be the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who entered the NFL as an expansion team (along with the Seattle Seahawks) in 1976. Led by legendary USC head coach John McKay and having drafted future HOF DE Lee Roy Selmon with their first ever pick, the Buccaneers had some hope going into their inaugural season. That hope was misplaced. Legends have been told and countless documentaries have been made about Tampa Bay’s 1976 season, which has gone down as arguably the worst in NFL history. Behind an anemic offense that only managed 20 points once and was shut out in more than a third of its games, the Buccaneers became the league’s first 0-14 team, finishing with a -287 point differential (which remains the worst by a team in one season since the AFL-NFL merger). Tampa Bay became more known as a punchline for both Tonight Show host Johnny Carson as well as McKay, whose humorous anecdotes to cope with losses became the stuff of legend. Despite moving from the AFC to the NFC, things did not get much better in 1977, as the losses continued to pile up. Having been shut out in six of their previous nine games, the Buccaneers entered their Week 13 contest with a 0-12 record, a 0-26 start to their existence, and just two games left to avoid the indignity of going winless in consecutive seasons.
Things were just barely going better for their opponents. Since entering the NFL themselves ten years earlier, the New Orleans Saints had firmly established themselves as bottom feeders. Not once in their first decade in the NFL had New Orleans finished with more than five wins in a season, despite the best efforts of franchise QB Archie Manning, who frequently had to carry his team to any success while running for his life behind a porous offensive line. Hoping to turn things around, the Saints managed what they thought was a coup in 1976 by hiring iconic and Super Bowl winning head coach Hank Stram, who had been let go by the Kansas City Chiefs in 1974. Although Stram managed to beat his former team on the road, New Orleans’ 1976 season did not go as planned, as the Saints struggled to a 4-10 record with Manning lost for the year with an elbow injury. While Manning returned in 1977, success did not follow, as the Saints trudged to a 3-9 record going into Week 13. But as bad as New Orleans was, everyone had them pegged for a much-needed win against Tampa Bay. The Saints were a whopping 11-point favorite against the Buccaneers in the first ever meeting of the franchises. In fact, Manning had been quoted before the game as saying it would be “disgraceful” to lose to Tampa Bay, especially with the game taking place at the Superdome in New Orleans.
Cue the theme from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, because not only did the Saints lose to the Buccaneers, it wasn’t even close. Tampa Bay’s defense dominated the contest, recovering a fumble and snagging six INTs, three of which were returned for TDs (an NFL record). Each of the Buccaneers’ first five drives began in New Orleans territory, allowing them to build a 13-0 lead at halftime. Pick sixes by Mike Washington and Richard wood made the score an ironic 26-0 in the 4th quarter before the Saints finally managed to find the end zone. But it would be all for naught, as another defensive score (this one by Greg Johnson) and a garbage time TD by New Orleans cemented the final count as a 33-14 win — yes, a win — for the previously winless Buccaneers. The end of the second-longest losing streak in NFL history and the franchise’s first ever victory was met with jubilation in Tampa Bay. McKay, who had told his players about Manning’s comments ahead of time (causing them to shout “disgraceful” at Manning towards the end of the game), called it the “greatest win in the history of the world.” Herbert Mizell of the St. Petersburg Times wrote “Hell can now freeze over,” while the Associated Press cheekily ran the headline “Tampa Bay Wins: Is Super Bowl Next?”. More than 10,000 fans welcomed the team back home when they flew in, with two seasons of torment over. Things were not as happy back in New Orleans. Safety Tom Myers said his team was the “laughingstock” of the NFL, while owner John Mecom called the Saints a “poorly coached team.” As for that coach, Stram called it the worst experience of his coaching career, going as far as to burn the game tape.
Tampa Bay would follow its inaugural win with something unthinkable earlier that month: a winning streak. The Buccaneers scored their first ever home victory, a 17-7 defeat of the St. Louis Cardinals, who promptly fired head coach Don Coryell (who would go on to have a bit of a better tenure with the San Diego Chargers). Joining Coryell on the unemployment line after the 1977 season was Stram, who was let go after New Orleans’ 35-7 trouncing by the rival Atlanta Falcons the week after their defeat to Tampa Bay. Stram, who tallied just seven wins in charge of the Saints, never coached again and was elected to the HOF in 2003. New Orleans improved under his replacement, Dick Nolan, with the franchise posting a .500 record for the first time in 1979. However, the Saints started 0-12 the following season and Nolan was fired. New Orleans would not get back to .500 until 1983 and would have to wait until 1987 for its first winning season. 1979 would also prove to be a banner year for the Buccaneers. Behind a DPOY campaign from Selmon, Tampa Bay (two years removed from 0-26) finished with its first winning record at 10-6, won the NFC Central and a playoff game, and reached the NFC Championship Game. The Buccaneers would make the playoffs in two of the next three seasons before falling back down to the cellar, with McKay leaving in 1984. Tampa Bay wouldn’t post a winning record again until after the arrival of Tony Dungy in 1996. With the NFL realignment in 2002 and the creation of the NFC South, Tampa Bay and New Orleans are now division rivals and play each other at least twice a year (and are the only teams in the division to have won a Super Bowl). While the Saints currently own a 40-28 all-time edge in the rivalry, the Buccaneers (in addition to owning the only playoff win between the two teams) have the distinction of winning the first meeting, which proved to be their first ever NFL victory after a historically awful start.
OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:
— 2022: In his first career start, Brock Purdy throws for 185 yards and two TDs while rushing for a TD in a 35-7 victory for the San Francisco 49ers against Tom Brady’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers
— 1972: Don Maynard surpasses Raymond Berry as the NFL’s all-time receptions leader (632) at that point in time in the New York Jets’ 24-16 loss to the Oakland Raiders
— 1949: The Cleveland Browns defeat the San Francisco 49ers 21-9 in the final All-America Football Conference title game before both teams moved to the NFL the following year
— 1938: The New York Giants defeat the Green Bay Packers 23-17 in the NFL Championship Game to become the first two-time champs since the league was split into two divisions
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 10 TOUGHEST ‘BOB DOES SPORTS’ FOOD/DRINK RELATED CHALLENGES
A big part of my conversion into a golf supporter has been the rise of YouTube golf, which has grown into such a massive market that certain channels, creators, and brands are hosting large events, competing to play in actual pro tournaments, and even hosting their own invitationals. While most of them are just the occasional watch or browse to me, one has clearly become my favorite. Originally introduced to me by a coworker who is way more into and better at golf than me or any of us (who also lost to me twice in fantasy football this year — hi, Alex!), Bob Does Sports has quickly risen up the rankings of my favorite YouTube channels and content creators. Also, it was because of them I learned what Long Drinks are, so be thankful for that at least.
The brainchild of Robby Berger, a former guest services manager at the Four Seasons Beverly Hills, Bob Does Sports began as a way for Berger to try to break into the sports media scene. He would do everything from interview fans at NFL tailgates (including the Las Vegas Raiders and Buffalo Bills), attend MLB playoff games and heckle the players, and even officiate a pro wrestling match between two little people. But even back then, his most popular videos were focused on golf, often teaming up with his best friend and coworker Joseph Demare (AKA “Joey Cold Cuts”) in matches. To be clear, neither Berger nor Demare were (or if we’re honest currently are) good golfers. But both of them have great personalities and have hilarious chemistry.
All of that was on full display in the channel’s first viral video, which saw Berger promise Demare a round at Torrey Pines, only to take him instead to the Links at Victoria, one of the worst courses in the country. It was their first video to break the one million view mark, and a clear sign that golf was where they should focus their efforts. They later had another big hit: could Berger and Demare finish 17 Fireball shots in nine holes? While they had clearly found their niche, they were also about to add an unexpected new member to their roster.
During the pandemic, Bob Does Sports hosted a Zoom happy hour with their Patreon members. One of those members was Nick Stubbe, a former DIII golfer turned office worker. When he joined the event, instead of using his actual name, Stubbe (a stout man in the non-beer sense) decided to use a nickname he had gotten while playing: Fat Perez. Berger and Demare saw the name and thought it was hilarious. They got to talking with Stubbe and talks lasted well after the happy hour ended. In time, they agreed to meet up for an actual video for the channel. Turns out, not only was Stubbe an excellent scratch golfer, but he had a great personality and instant chemistry with Berger and Demare. Eventually, the duo became a trio, with Stubbe joining the channel for good.
Over the next few years, Bob Does Sports transformed from a plucky channel into a major force in the golf media and YouTube sports worlds. They have traveled to play some of the best courses in the country — as well as other parts of the world (including St. Andrews). They have not only teamed up with other golf channels/creators like Grant Horvat, Rick Shiels, Paige Spiranac, Good Good Golf, and Fore Play Golf, but also actual pros like Max Homa, Jon Rahm, Bryson DeChambeau, Keegan Bradley, Xander Schauffele, and Dustin Johnson. They’ve also featured other athletes and celebrities, like Josh Allen, Larry Fitzgerald, J.J. Watt, Sam Darnold, Christian Kirk, Johnny Manziel, Christian Pulisic, Anthony Rizzo, and members of Barstool and the Dan Le Batard show. They’ve created their own drink (Have A Day) and line of golf merch (Breezy Golf). They’ve started their own podcast. They have surpassed the one million subscriber mark on YouTube. They’ve done it all in a pretty short time.
So what makes Bob Does Sports different from the other golf channels or content creators, apart from the fact that they’re hilarious? The main reasons are the ones you can’t plan or create, the ones that just happen by chance. Berger, the most extroverted and fun-loving New Jersey native you will ever find, Demare, a boisterous Canadian as prone to launching a deep drive as he is to hacking a horrific shank, and Stubbe, the straight man and only actually talented golfer who bounces off everyone, form a fantastic trio of personalities. They are my favorite trio since the Top Gear/Grand Tour trio of Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, and James May — and that’s quite the praise coming from me. A typical episode will feature Stubbe making an amazing birdie putt and hitting his famous “eurostep” celebration, Demare throwing clubs and profanely ranting as he scores a 12 on the same hole, and Berger stirring the pot and egging them both on, only to promptly ask for their Top 5 favorite candy bars or college football athletes on the cart ride to the next hole. The chemistry also extends to their crew members and occasional partners/opponents — the Jet, Big Ticket, and Jensen, who bring their own personalities and minimal golf skills into the equation. No member of Bob Does Sports takes themselves seriously, evident in the fact that decent chunks of episodes are dedicated to eating, drinking, or just generally shooting the shit. They’re all more than willing to be the butt of the joke as they are to give praise to someone when they earn it. For as much success as they’ve had, they bring themselves back down to earth and remain relatable. In the end, Bob Does Sports isn’t even really about golf — it’s about having fun with your friends, while just happening to play golf.
That is all partially reflected in the kinds of videos they do. Of course, they have plenty of golf-specific videos: match plays, stroke plays, skins, Berger and Demare vs. Stubbe (by himself or with Jet and/or Ticket), the trio vs. a pro or another team, trying to birdie every hole, Berger trying to break 80, playing until the group collectively shoots -18, imposing certain club restrictions, etc. But it’s their challenges — specifically involving alcohol or food — that set them apart. Here’s how it usually works: the trio must collectively consume a certain amount of food or drink in nine holes. They play “best ball” rules, but must also as a group finish at a minimum of four/five under par. It’s these types of videos that often produce the most humor, whether it be from the items they’re consuming (usually the alcohol) making them play even worse, them underestimating how much food they agreed to try to finish, or various drunken shenanigans. While the trio usually finds a way to get the job done (usually a carry job by Stubbe), they don’t have a perfect record.
Now, the question must be asked: how would we do if we were in their place?
As it turns out, Bob Does Sports has done (sort of) exactly ten different varieties of this kind of challenge. I have ranked them in order of easiest to hardest, at least in my perception. For each entry, I have also assembled a three-person team consisting of members of our league, who I feel would have the best odds at taking down each specific challenge. Again, our trio must be able to complete each challenge in nine holes, while shooting a collective -4 (being nice, compared to -5) — best ball rules. Now, even though the Bob Does Sports crew (minus Stubbe) is not good at golf, they’re at least better than all of us (except Ewing). However, we don’t have the ability to play at some of the best and most beautiful courses in the country like they do. So to make things easier, we’ll imagine our attempts at the challenges will take place on a course like Land Park or Bing Maloney (not the E-9 — that would be too easy). But don’t get too confident — the golf may not be the toughest part of some of these challenges.
For the record, I’m not including any of the “Wheel of Drinks” challenges. What’s on the wheel changes depending on the episode and we’d have to have the exact same spins in order to do a fair comparison, which would take the fun out of it. I’m also not including the 18 holes, 18 drinks challenge (where every birdie removes a drink) or the McDonalds cheeseburger battle with Good Good. That being said, those are hilarious and you should check them out. Without further ado…
11. BEER ME
First up is the one we’d probably think of first — each person must finish a beer every hole, totalling nine beers on the round (27 collectively). This is, in my opinion, the easiest one for us to achieve. I mean, look at us — some of us have already probably consumed nine beers in a single round of golf. Even though we’re getting older, the vast majority of us should be able to not get too shitfaced, even nine beers deep. Plus, these are just cans of beer — not pints or anything — so we’re in the best case scenario when it comes to volume. I could go for anyone, but I want to start strong and don’t want to use Ewing for everything. I’ll go for a good mix of people who are not completely terrible at golf and those who have a solid foothold in beer.
TEAM: Aly, Richard, & Jimmy
10. HOT DOG
When deciding on the potential impact on our stomachs of what we consume, food has a major disadvantage compared to alcohol: it’s tougher to rebound from being overly full than it is to rebound from being drunk, and it’s much less pleasant. That being said, hot dogs are probably the easiest on this list when it comes to pure volume (with one exception, and that one has a major catch). Looking at the hot dogs they used in the video, they’re not tiny but far from a foot long, like the majority of men in the world. With these kinds of hot dogs, I know I can put a lot of them down in one sitting, let alone with breaks in between. As long as we use quality dogs and I get to top them off with ketchup (and my teammates can do so with mustard), I’ll be fine.
TEAM: Ruben, Kyle, Nick
9. FIRE AWAY
Out of all of these specific challenges, this is the one the Bob Does Sports crew has done the most, and they’ve been successful every time. Naturally, it’s the one I might want to do the least. Imagine the beer challenge, but replace cans of beer with shots of Fireball. Each person must consume nine shots of Fireball. For two reasons, this is more challenging than the beer one. First, despite the lesser volume, whiskey has a greater impact on the body than beer. But the biggest issue: Fireball is fucking disgusting. Here’s the thing though: some people in this league actually think Fireball tastes good. Crazy, I know. So for this challenge, let me line up the sick fucks who would actually look forward to Fireball, and let them take the bullet for the rest of us.
TEAM: Jimmy, Nick, Riaz
8. SLICE IT UP
Even compared to the beer challenge, this is the one I feel the most confident in my own ability to complete. In terms of actual items, this is technically the least amount we have to worry about. But that one item is also pretty big. Each player must consume an entire decently-sized cheese pizza (a large cut up into eight slices). Now, if there’s any food I can put down en masse, it’s pizza, and cheese pizza happens to be my favorite. I know for a fact that when pushed to action, I can eat a whole pizza in a sitting. Given the stakes, I can push myself to eat 12 slices, or half of the total. My teammates would only have to eat six slices each. As for those teammates, give me Ewing and Aly. Ewing will actually try, both to look good for his wife and to make me look bad.
TEAM: Ruben, Ewing, Aly
7. WINING AND DINING
Alright I take it back, I would rather do the Fireball challenge than any of these next two. For this one, all players must consume an entire bottle of wine in nine holes. Now, even though this may be less volume compared to the beer challenge, wine is an entirely different enemy. Wine tastes different, hits different, and is consumed differently than most alcohols we’re used to. While I can’t remember which kind of wine the Bob Does Sports crew consumed (red, white, dessert, etc.) and I can’t be bothered to look it up, I’ll allow participants to choose whichever kind they prefer. Here’s the thing: I honestly don’t know which of us like wine and which of us don’t. All I know is that I probably can’t either put down a bottle of wine or shoot -4, so I’m out.
TEAM: Aly, Kyle, Chriss
6. STOUT GENTLEMEN
So you know how I said there were exactly ten kinds of challenges but there are 11 entries in this list? This is why. Technically, this challenge can be folded into the greater beer challenge folder. But I felt like this was too different and had to have its own entry. You see, this challenge was a special one, which saw the Bob Does Sports crew go to Scotland. Each participant had to not just down nine beers, but nine pints of Guinness. That’s both more volume and an entirely different, heavier type of beer. As Ewing’s bachelor party proved, I do not fuck with stouts, and I know I’m not the only one. Simply put, I need our finest beer people. By the way, the BDS crew had a guest with them for this challenge, so I’m including an extra fourth member of our team.
TEAM: Richard, Ewing, Jimmy, Chriss
5. HOT IN HERE
We’ve only got food challenges from here on out, and we’re taking a big step up in difficulty. But this challenge isn’t tough thanks to the volume of food needing to be consumed, but what’s being eaten. You see, the Bob Does Sports crew purchased the Hot Ones catalogue of hot sauces and had to eat a chicken wing covered in each sauce. For those who’ve never seen Hot Ones, it’s a YouTube celebrity interview show in which guests must eat chicken wings covered in gradually more intense hot sauce. Those aren’t just Tapatio: the hotter sauces are some truly diabolical shit. Those sauces damn near killed the BDS crew, who each downed an entire gallon of milk to survive. We’re going to need those best at dealing with spice, and a whole lot of it.
TEAM: Riaz, Emilio, Arik
4. CHICKENING OUT
In terms of the sheer number of items needing to be consumed, this is the highest on the list. That number is 150 — the amount of chicken nuggets (specifically from Chick-fil-A) each player will need to eat in nine holes. Can you imagine the Bod Does Sports crew going into the restaurant and asking the poor employees for 150 chicken nuggets and enough sauce to compensate for them all (though to be fair that’s the usual amount they give you). Now, don’t let the small size of the chicken nuggets fool you. 150 is a lot of chicken nuggets. To be honest, I’m not even sure what strategy we as a group should use going into this one. So, I’m just going to go with the plan of having two tanks pair up with an actually good golfer (who’s also a tank).
TEAM: Ewing, Jimmy, Nick
3. A MEAL FIT FOR SANTA
For one of their Christmas specials, the Bob Does Sports crew took a page out of Santa Claus’ playbook and went for the milk and cookies. Specifically, 50 cookies and three gallons of milk in total. To be fair, these cookies aren’t exactly the biggest and for the length of nine holes of golf, 16/17 per person isn’t as big of a challenge as you’d think. But here’s the thing: we’re now entering dessert territory. Eating a lot of lunch/dinner food isn’t exactly abnormal. But trying to put down a lot of desserts is a tough task. Then there’s the milk — a lot of it. You also need to get all of it down before it gets warm and undrinkable, which means you’d have to also eat the cookies quickly or deal with a lot of dry mouth once the milk’s gone. Either way, it’s not easy.
TEAM: Chriss, Dad, Kyle
2. TACO BOUT IT
Has anyone ever tried to finish a Taco Bell 12-pack? I did once during the pandemic — I got eight tacos in and then threw up. Now, imagine having to put away twice as many as that. That’s the problem at the heart of this challenge. As a trio, you must consume 50 tacos in nine holes. These aren’t street tacos, either — they’re from Taco Bell and are actually sizable. Plus, sauce will be necessary in order to provide some kind of flavor. For this challenge, I call upon the kings of taco consumption: the Mexicans. Now, the Bob Does Sports crew actually did a slightly different sequel involving a fourth person (Jon Rahm of all people) and 60 total tacos, which are from Jack in the Box. I’ll include an extra Mexican who I know for a fact loves Jack in the Box tacos.
TEAM: Emilio, Arik, Jimmy/Nick, Dad
1. DONUT ATTEMPT
When it comes to the toughest challenge on the list, we’re actually dealing with the sweetest food. Participants must consume an entire dozen donuts in nine holes of golf. I love donuts, but the most I’ve had in one sitting is three. After that, the amount I enjoy each bite sinks like a boulder in a lake. I cannot fathom having four times that amount. Donuts straight up fill you up and can slow you down, really impacting performance. Plus, milk will have to be a factor in order to make the donuts easier to eat, with the warmness factor playing a role once again. Out of all of these challenges, this is the one I genuinely don’t think can be done. Hell, the Bob Does Sports crew have attempted and failed this challenge twice. Time for the tank strategy once again.
TEAM: Ewing, Jimmy, Nick
TURKEYS TEE OFF
Even if we managed to get through the food/drink parts of the above challenges, I’m still not sure we’d be able to even make -4 as a trio. Why am I worried? Because I just saw us all play golf.
For those of you who couldn’t make it this past Thanksgiving, Jimmy once again gathered a group to play a round of holiday golf at Land Park. The last time we were all out there for a holiday was the famous Christmas round where Riaz won it all the same day he got the last place trophy and I managed to beat Ewing in a round of golf. While Ewing couldn’t make it out to attempt to get his revenge, the field was as follows: me, Jimmy, Chriss (who, due to the cold, wore a face that made Jimmy call him “ICE” for the entire day), Nick, Riaz, and Richard. In addition, we had Jimmy’s friend Nijal (an actually good golfer) and the surprise return of Gee, who ended up arriving late and forcing Richard to join the first foursome as a result. In the end, the groups were as follows:
Jimmy/Nick/Nijal/Richard
Ruben/Chriss/Riaz/Gee
Things got started strong when Jimmy’s first swing barely connected with his ball, which barely went an inch or so to the right, forcing him to take his mulligan early. After some decent if not spectacular play from the others, the first group finished the first hole and at that point were pretty much too far away for me to document their adventures, save for the occasional group guffah we heard in the distance. But that doesn’t mean my group didn’t have its fair share of moments.
Trying his best to emulate Jimmy, Chriss’ tee shot went straight into a divot maybe an inch to the right, also forcing a mulligan. Gee’s first shot didn’t go far, either, so maybe Riaz felt the need to compensate. That must be why he blasted his tee shot so far, the ball landed in the curb of the street behind Hole 1. Then, as we took off in our carts, I heard a loud thud behind us. Turns out, Chriss had forgotten to strap his bag into the cart. Truly, we were off to a historic start.
After convincing Riaz to not actually take his second swing from the street curb, we managed to finish Hole 1. None of the four of us could even hit the fairway of Hole 2, but at least I managed to make a decent recovery. Though there was some minor ball controversy in the rough, we managed to finish up the hole without putting us in too much trouble when it comes to time. That being said, I knew we needed to pick up the pace. With Hole 3 being a Par 3, we had the perfect chance. At least, that’s what I thought.
Both Chriss and Riaz managed to hit their tee shots smack into the tree in the middle of Hole 3. Gee somehow outdid both of them, hitting a worm burner straight into the concrete path, but managing to squeak out due to the ball somehow finding the one part of the path that didn’t have an edge. As Chriss and Riaz worked to get around the tree, the former ended up in a worse spot: the bunker. Though Gee and I laughed, both of our second shots ended up in that same bunker. That being said, both Gee and I were able to escape without much trouble. Riaz on the other hand seemed to be trapped, hitting shot after shot that just couldn’t get out of the sand. At one point, Gee suggested that Riaz put more power into it. Riaz obliged, then promptly made the smoothest contact on a ball in his life. I swear, I didn’t even see sand fly around. The ball just rocketed out of the bunker, sailed over the green, and disappeared over the fence behind the hole. After we all laughed for a minute straight, Riaz gentlemened to a 10 for the hole and the rest of us quickly finished putting.
SCORE AFTER 3: Ruben 16, Chriss 19, Gee 21, Riaz 24
Slowly but surely we made our way through Hole 4, even crossing paths with the other group as they began Hole 5. Already with a decent lead and with Chriss playing poorly on Hole 4, perhaps I got too confident as I hit my approach shot, which promptly sailed well over the green. I went to search for it, but couldn’t find it amid any of the bright leaves on the ground. However, I managed to find an orange ball in the same area. After asking and receiving permission from the rest of the group to use that orange ball instead of taking a drop, I proceeded to take three strokes to get onto the green and finished the hole with a 10. Then, as we were wrapping up the hole, a random woman walking by picked up a white ball and tossed it in our general direction (I swear this actually happened). That just happened to be my original ball. I quickly played it and re-finished Hole 4, ending up with an 8 instead. However, the rest of the group was steadfast in that I had already used the orange ball. So, outvoted, I had to take the 10.
Hole 5 began with both Riaz and I scuffing our tee shots, forcing mulligans from both of us. But while I redeemed myself with a nice drive, Riaz’s makeup shot went almost exactly as far as his first. Gee had hit a short drive as well, and for whatever reason he and Riaz could not get a good hit for a while. In fact, it took so long for them to catch up to where Chriss and I were waiting that we had a legitimate three-minute conversation about NBA prop bets before they got to us. We eventually finished up the hole, with Riaz joking that he was playing the worst golf of his life.
SCORE AFTER 5: Ruben 31, Chriss 33, Gee 36, Riaz 39
Trying a quick remedy for his golf game, Riaz decided to consume a decent amount of White Claw before beginning Hole 6. To the shock of everyone (including Riaz), he launched an absolute nuke for the best drive any of us had made all day. As Chriss failed to recover from hitting his tee shot into a fenced off equipment storage area, Riaz hit solid shots and managed to finish the hole with a bogey. But that was just the beginning. Riaz then proceeded to hit the absolute perfect tee shot on Hole 7, placing the ball about ten feet from the cup. Though he missed the birdie by inches, Riaz still tapped in the only par any of us would get all day. As we drove back to Hole 8, Riaz appeared to be on the rebound, with the rest of us chanting, “the power of the White Claw compels you!”
Then, Riaz fucked up his tee shot not once, not twice, but three times, putting an abrupt end to his comeback chances. In fact, Chriss and Gee messed up their tee shots as well. As we trudged along the longest hole on the course, a thought began to creep into my mind. I was well in the lead at that point, and I realized that barring a catastrophic collapse, I would win the foursome. That would be a first for me, someone who generally sucks at golf. Apart from Hole 4, I had been relatively consistent and the only one keeping the pace of play (something our carts kept reminding us about). I was kind of speechless. I had never been in this position before. I was actually the best golfer in my group? What the hell was this feeling? Pride?
Naturally, that all went away on Hole 9.
When we all first teed off, we dished out some minor trash talk to the group ahead of us, but overall we were respectful towards them. Let’s just say the favor was not repaid in kind. As we began Hole 9, we began to hear shouts from the clubhouse. The other group had finished and had enough time to get beers, so those bastards felt like a productive use of their time would be to form a profane peanut gallery and loudly heckle us during the entire hole. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t affect the four of us, who just wanted to finish the damn hole. I won’t make excuses and say they were the reason the lowest score any of us got on Hole 9 was an 8. But I will say the yelling ventured a bit into bush league territory and I might’ve been inclined to complain to the organizer and demand some punishment, if the organizer wasn’t part of the problem.
Anyway, whatever confidence I had remaining was shattered the instant I found out that my final score was the same as the last place person in the other group.
FINAL SCORE: Jimmy & Nick 53, Ruben & Richard 57, Riaz 63, Chriss 65, Gee 66
Afterwards, we all gathered to talk about the round, the upcoming fantasy football week, and celebrate the fact that Richard finally received the last place trophy from Riaz. We joked that he would soon have to give it right back, but it turns out the trophy’s new home is actually the Ewing residence. In the end, we agreed to do it again soon (maybe another Christmas round, anyone?) and posed for a picture, with me in the center as both the defending champ and top seed.
Wait, karma won’t get me for talking shit about that, right?
QUARTER-FINAL PREVIEW
1. THE ANTARCTICANS VS. 8. LET ME WHISPER IN JAHMYR
So let me get this straight, one year after the defending champ and top overall seed was upset in the quarter-finals, the Antarcticans are now the defending champ and top overall seed. Plus, the supposed underdog, Let Me Whisper in Jahmyr, not only beat me this season (the same thing that happened to last year’s top seed) but is in fact my most recent loss. Do I have that all correct? Well, congrats on the berth in the semi-finals, Nick! Granted, Bo Nix, Josh Jacobs, Ashton Jeanty, and Kyle Pitts all have tough matchups this week. In addition, I should actually get production from A.J. Brown and the Eagles defense, who are facing the Raiders. But it would be the most Raiders/me thing ever for the Silver & Black to actually do well for once when I absolutely need them not to. Plus, Pat Mahomes has not been playing well and Breece Hall might be injured. I never expected Saints-Panthers to have such an impact on this or any playoff game, but I supposed this is just another sign of another 8 over 1 playoff upset.
4. BIJAN MUSTARD VS. 5. DON’T DRAFT AND DRIVE
Bijan Mustard may have benefited the most from the pre-playoffs standings shakeup, but the gift of a Top 4 seed may have been a Trojan Horse. That’s because Emilio is now locked into a quarter-final matchup with the highest-scoring team in the league, and someone who has beaten him already this season. Don’t Draft and Drive may have fallen down from the top of the standings to the No. 5 seed, but don’t let that fool you. Kyle’s current three-game losing streak has come despite him finishing in the triple-digits every week, and against three playoff teams (including the top two seeds). With a lineup loaded with the likes of Drake Maye, Amon-Ra St. Brown, Chase Brown, De’Von Achane, and the potential of DeVonta Smith and Travis Kelce, it’s no coincidence Kyle has been able to consistently put up points. But this doesn’t mean Emilio will be a tough out. Jahmyr Gibbs can score TDs in a hurry and TreVeyon Henderson could offset some of Maye’s production. Plus, Jaxson Dart could go off against the Commanders.
2. SPIDER 2 Y BANANA VS. 7. THE KRISPY KRITTERS
Consider this: Lamar Jackson is having one of the worst seasons of his career and Saquon Barkley is nearly 1,000 yards off his pace from last season, yet Spider 2 Y Banana still snagged the No. 2 seed and finished with the third-most points in the league. That’s largely due to the acquisition of Davante Adams, as well as good draft picks like Trey McBride, RJ Harvey, Nico Collins, Javonte Williams, and Jakobi Meyers. If Jackson and Barkley manage to get their acts together for the postseason, Jimmy may just be the favorite to win it all. But he could also be in for a rough start, depending on which version of the Krispy Kritters shows up. Richard’s lineup has been the most inconsistent in the entire league, only finishing in the typical “good” scoring range of 90-105 points just twice in the regular season. This “boom or bust” roster has been led by Dak Prescott, Jameson Williams, Tee Higgins, Bijan Robinson, and Kenneth Walker. If they all play up to their potential, Richard will be a tough out. But if not, it could all be over quickly.
3. BONE 2 BONE VS. 6. THE INJURED RESERVES
Both Bone 2 Bone and the Injured Reserves are examples of the big difference time can make. At this time last year, Dad had just survived a narrow battle to not finish in last place. Now, he’s the No. 3 seed and the second-highest scoring team in the league. At the start of this season, Arik suffered so much bad luck and injuries that he literally changed his team name to reflect it. Now, he’s arguably the hottest team going into the postseason. Part of Arik’s surge is due to half his lineup (including Matthew Stafford, Kyren Williams, and the Seahawks defense) being from two of the best and most productive teams in the NFL. Rico Dowdle and Kyle Monangai have been great pick-ups, while CeeDee Lamb can add a lot of points on a good day. As for Dad, Christian McCaffrey has somehow managed to be the only 49er who hasn’t gotten injured this year, while Joe Burrow is returning from injury at seemingly the perfect time. Justin Jefferson and Quinshon Judkins can each also put up plenty of points, which could be crucial here.
ONE LAST THING
Sometimes, I get an idea and just have to run with it. From putting the 2022 NFL head coach roster into the Hunger Games to taking a deep dive into the Federer/Nadal/Djokovic dominance of men’s pro tennis to having every section include a Top 10 list, some of the more memorable moments in newsletter history have been sparked by this kind of brain rot. This is another of those times. Let’s see what happens.
There have been debates over the best golf courses in the world. There have been debates over the best holes of golf in the world. But as far as I can tell there have never been debates about what would be the best golf course you could create with the best holes in the world, at least how I’m going about it. Imagine you could pluck holes from any course and put them into one ultimate course. That’s what I’m getting at here. That’s the course I have created.
Only, it’s not so simple. Most of the time you talk about the best or most memorable holes, those are Par 3 for the most part, with some Par 4 holes thrown in. This is not a Par 3 course — it actually works as a legit golf course, adding up to a Par 72 over its 18 holes, with five Par 3s, eight Par 4s, and five Par 5s.
There were two additional limitations I put upon myself when creating this hypothetical course. First, I restricted myself to choosing just one hole per actual course. This meant I had to be careful with holes with multiple amazing, notable holes, like Augusta National, the Old Course at St. Andrews, and basically every course along the coast of California.
But it’s my second restriction which I believe sets my course apart from any made by anyone else — something I could not find in my entire research of similar lists. You see, every hole in my course is in the same order it is at its actual course. That means for my first hole I could only choose from Hole 1s, and so on and so forth for the other 17 holes.
So, this course I have painstakingly put together consists of the best, most unique, and most beautiful holes in the world — in the same order as they are in their home courses — with one hole per course all adding up to a regulation-abiding Par 72. It is, by all make and measure, the Ultimate Golf Course. Let’s see what you think of it, and how you think you’d do if you got to take a swing at it yourselves. Let’s tee off.
Hole 1: Par 5, 718 yards (Promontory Nicklaus Painted Valley Golf Course)
So how does the Ultimate Golf Course begin? By punching you in the face. First, we head to Park City, Utah — just outside of Salt Lake City. Promontory Golf Club lies in gorgeous mountain territory at a high altitude. Its Painted Valley Golf Course — designed by none other than Jack Nicklaus himself — is one of the longest in the country at a combined 8,098 yards. At a whopping 718 yards, Hole 1 — a mammoth stretch that goes downhill and veers slightly left before turning back right — is the longest hole on the course. For its beauty, stupendous length, and unique challenge, this was the most unique Hole 1 I could find and the natural choice for the opener.
Hole 2: Par 4, 395 yards (Foxy, Chambers Bay Golf Course)
From Utah we head west to University Place, Washington — southwest of Tacoma — for Chambers Bay Golf Course, a links-style course that hosted the U.S. Open in 2015. Named “Foxy” after the iconic Par 4 at Royal Dornoch, Hole 2 spans 395 yards and stretches along the coast for a beautiful view of Puget Sound. While the scenery may appear welcoming, a span of bunkers about 100 yards from the hole — not to mention a steep slope off the left of the green — will test your precision from tee box to tap-in. So basically, we’re all screwed.
Hole 3: Par 3, 272 yards (Mauna Kea Golf Course)
From one coast to another, Hole 3 of the Ultimate Golf Course might be the most photographed third hole at any course (and one of the most photographed anywhere in the world). Mauna Kea Golf Course on the Big Island of Hawaii sits on what was once a lava field. It now features lush fairways and greens and sits alongside the beautiful blue ocean. Hole 3 sits on the shoreline, tempting players to try to hit it over the water, risking adding their ball to those littering the rocky coast. Let’s be real: this is the most beautiful hole on arguably the most beautiful course in freaking Hawaii of all places. You really can’t do much better than that.
Hole 4: Par 4, 427 yards (Old Head Golf Links)
Our first international hole on the course sees us on the shores of the Atlantic. While other countries may get the headlines, Ireland boasts some of the prettiest golf courses you’ll ever see. Such is the case with Old Head Golf Links in County Cork, whose signature hole we’re stealing for our Hole 4. Nicknamed “The Razor’s Edge,” the 427-yard Par 4 hole sits alongside a cliff edge to the left, with the ocean 300 feet below. That means you won’t be recovering any lost balls, with this hole requiring precision as it takes a turn to the left. The hole is also the closest of the lot to the course’s iconic lighthouse, which adds to the incredible backdrop.
Hole 5: Par 5, 576 yards (Pinehurst No. 2)
While Hole 5 may not be on a coast, it’s nonetheless part of a beautiful, iconic course. Pinehurst Resort, located in North Carolina, is a massive complex with ten courses. But Course No. 2 is the jewel of the region, having hosted four U.S. Opens since 1999 (including last year’s). Surrounded by trees and filled with holes (and greens) that demand a surprising amount of difficulty, the course boasts several world class holes. That includes the 576-yard Hole 5 — recently converted to a Par 5 — whose second shot may be the most memorable of the whole thing.
Hole 6: Par 4, 428 yards (Royal Melbourne Golf Club West Course)
If you’ve ever wanted to golf in Australia, your best bet is most likely the Royal Melbourne Golf Club in Victoria. Located in Black Rock — a suburb of Melbourne — the club is split into an East and West course. While the East course is certainly no slouch, the West course is not only ranked the best in Australia, but is consistently among the best courses in the whole world. Not wanting to leave this course off the list and needing a sixth hole, I took the Par 4, 428-yard Hole 6, which features some precariously-placed bunkers as the hole doglegs to the right. Hitting along the slopes, you’ll be taken in by the scenery — if the drop bears don’t get you.
Hole 7: Par 4, 331 yards (Crans-sur-Sierre Seve Ballesteros Course)
The second third of the Ultimate Golf Course begins in one of the most beautiful areas of the world: the Alps. Located in Valais, Switzerland, Crans-sur-Sierra Golf Club is nearly 5,000 feet above sea level and boasts both the Matterhorn (the actual mountain, not the Disneyland ride) and Mont Blanc in the background. But its beauty hides an almost equally steep spike in difficulty, particularly with the course named after former No. 1 golfer Seve Ballesteros. The Par 4, 331-yard Hole 7 is a perfect example of this, thinning and turning to the right as the downhill path progresses. If your breath isn’t taken away by the scenery, it will be by the toughness.
Hole 8: Par 4, 427 yards (Pebble Beach Golf Links)
Pebble Beach goes without saying — it’s one of the best if not the best golf course in the world, hosted several major events, and is almost painfully beautiful. There are several holes that could’ve featured in the Ultimate Golf Course, including the short but stunning Hole 7 and the iconic Hole 18 is arguably the best closing hole in golf (don’t worry, I have a plan for that one). In the end, I decided the 427-yard, Par 4 Hole 8 was the best fit in the grand scheme of things. The approach shot — taken across an 80-foot deep chasm — was Jack Nicklaus’ favorite in all of golf.
Hole 9: Par 3, 201 yards (Biarritz, Yale Golf Course)
When assembling the Ultimate Golf Course, I never thought I’d include a hole on a course run by a college. But not only is Yale Golf Course in New Haven County, Connecticut, considered one of the best in the entire country, but Hole 9 was named by Golf Digest as one of the 100 greatest golf holes in America. Nicknamed “Biarritz” after a course in France, the 201-yard Par 3 has a massive green, stretching as far as 90 yards. It also has a three-to-five foot deep swale in the middle. Looking like something out of a mini golf course, getting from the green to the hole may be your biggest challenge. It’s over the water for a unique obstacle to end the Front 9.
Hole 10: Par 4, 315 yards (Riviera Country Club)
Going back to SoCal to start the Back 9, the choice for Hole 10 was pretty obvious, as the tenth hole at Riviera Country Club is frequently described by players and experts as the greatest short Par 4 in the world. The 315-yard hole is short enough to tempt players into driving the green, but doing so comes with potential danger. The green is surrounded by tough bunkers which invite playing short and can greatly punish those who don’t. The risk/reward ration for this hole is through the roof on both sides. Throw in the absolutely beautiful scenery in the Los Angeles area (the course will host golf at the 2028 Summer Olympics) and this hole is a can’t miss.
Hole 11: Par 5, 633 yards (Arcadia Bluffs Golf Course)
From a short-ish Par 3 to a short Par 4 to a 633-yard whopper of a Par 5, Hole 11 of the Bluffs Golf Course at Arcadia Bluffs in Michigan is as scenic as it is intimidating. It’s Part 1 of a three-part series of holes that take a dramatic dip in elevation and provide a picturesque view. A long drive down the hillside leads to a fairway that gets thinner as it goes on, culminating in a left turn and a green that sits alongside Lake Michigan. Hopefully the feeling of zooming into an amazing picture as you go through the hole makes up for it being well of 600 yards long.
Hole 12: Par 4, 461 yards (Southern Hills Country Club)
If you thought Michigan was an unusual place to find good golf courses, how about Tulsa, Oklahoma? That is the home of Southern Hills Country Club, which is home to one of the greatest Par 4s in the entire country — at least according to guys like Arnold Palmer and Ben Hogan. Fortunately for us, that Par 4 is the 461-yard Hole 12, making it a perfect fit for the Ultimate Golf Course. With a tee shot playing into a raised fairway framed by trees, the hole slopes slightly dogleg left before heading towards the green, which is protected on the left side by a bunker and the right side by a creek. It’s a challenging but beautiful hole.
Hole 13: Par 5, 545 yards (Azalea, Augusta National Golf Course)
You knew Augusta National would feature at some point in this course. Arguably the best and most famous golf course in the world, seemingly every hole at the home of the Masters is worthy of inclusion. I managed to narrow it down to the holes that make up Amen Corner, specifically Golden Bell (Hole 12) and Azalea (Hole 13). I ultimately went with the latter, even though I would’ve preferred to include the former. That being said, no other Hole 13 I found could measure up to the one I picked for Hole 12, meaning I needed to make the decision for a better overall gain. Plus, Azalea — a 545-yard risk/reward Par 5 — is more than worthy of inclusion.
Hole 14: Par 3, 170-220 yards (The Golf Course at Coeur d’Alene Resort)
From a classic, traditional hole to one that’s anything but. You may look at the 170-220 yardage of this Par 3 and wonder how the hell yardage can vary, and by that much. Well, at the Golf Course at Coeur d’Alene Resort in Idaho, Hole 14 has players shooting onto a 2,200-ton, movable island green that floats off the northern coast of Coeur d’Alene Lake. If you make it onto the green, you get onto a boat, which takes you to the island to finish off the hole. As soon as I saw this hole I knew I had to include it in the Ultimate Golf Course. This is incredible.
Hole 15: Par 5, 560 yards (Cabot Cliffs Golf Course, Cabot Cape Breton)
If you thought Idaho was an unusual spot to find a hole, how about this? Our next hole takes us to the rural community of Inverness of the Gulf of St. Lawrence, on the northwest coast of Nova Scotia. That’s where we find Cabot Cape Breton, home of two golf courses. The one we’re after is the Cabot Cliffs Course, which is considered to be one of the top courses in Canada, let alone the world. Perhaps the signature hole is the 560-yard Par 5 Hole 15, which boasts a massive fairway and a spectacular view as you make your way towards the green and the coast. But that’s not the only good news — this hole marks the final Par 5 of the whole course.
Hole 16: Par 3, 233 yards (Cypress Point Club)
For those wondering why I didn’t include Hole 16 at TPC Scottsdale, it’s because what makes the hole special only happens during a specific event (the WM Phoenix Open), not during a round by the average joe. That being said, I think I’ve found a good replacement. For the second time on the Ultimate Golf Course, we return to Pebble Beach — but crucially, not the same golf course. Instead, we head to Cypress Point Club, which is up there with Pebble Beach among the best and most beautiful courses in the world. The 223-yard Par 3 Hole 16 in particular is considered one of the greatest golf holes in all of America, and you’ll understand with just one glance.
Hole 17: Par 3, 137 yards (TPC Sawgrass)
There will be a TPC course here — TPC Sawgrass, that is. You know which hole I’m talking about — it’s the only reason anyone heads to Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. Hole 17 is one of the most iconic holes in all of golf, and the very first hole locked into the Ultimate Golf Course. The 137-yard Par 3 is famous for its massive “island green” (which is technically a peninsula) that’s as salivating to golfers as Pat Mahomes making a checkdown throw is to Cris Collinsworth and Tony Romo. The temptation to ace this hole has led to hundreds of thousands of balls being lost.
Hole 18: Par 4, 357 yards (Tom Morris, the Old Course at St. Andrews)
It would feel sacrilegious to not include the birthplace of golf, but choosing a hole from the Old Course at St. Andrews to include was a tough cut. In the end, I had to pick Hole 18, nicknamed “Tom Morris.” The Par 4, 357-yard hole is one of the best holes in Fife, Scotland, but it’s also significant for another reason. The final stretch of the course — which you access by crossing the famous Swilcan Bridge, is one of the most iconic scenes in all of golf. After all we’ve been through — traveling across multiple states and continents and playing some of the most challenging, diverse, beautiful courses in the world — it’s fitting to end up where this crazy sport began.
Except, we’re not quite done yet.
Hole 19: Par 3, 395 yards (Legend Golf and Safari Resort)
That’s right, the Ultimate Golf Course has a Hole 19. Not only that, but it’s one of the most insane holes of golf in the world. Located at Legend Golf and Safari Resort in Mokopane, Limpopo, South Africa, the Legends Golf Course includes an extra 395-yard Par 3. You may look at the yardage and wonder how the hell a Par 3 can be nearly 400 yards. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The hole is only accessible via helicopter, which takes players to the top of Hanglip Mountain (more than a quarter-mile high). You stand on the ledge and see a green in the shape of the African continent — that’s your target. You take a swing and wait 26 seconds for the ball to hit the ground. Of course, this (along with a $1M prize) presents the ultimate Hole-in-1 chance. But given the sheer velocity of the ball when it lands, it will likely just plug into the ground or bounce out of the cup if you happen to hit it. Now that’s a proper way to end your day of golf.
FRONT 9: Par 36, 3,775 yards
BACK 9: Par 36, 3,461 yards
WHOLE 18: Par 72, 7,236 yards
So, having tackled the Ultimate Golf Course, it’s time to relax and have a beer or two in the clubhouse — specifically, at the Martis Camp clubhouse in Truckee. We’re also staying local when it comes to the clubhouse food, which will be from Cordova Golf Club. You may be wondering why out of all of the incredible food and drinks I could get at golf courses from around the world I would choose the menu at a place within a short drive of my house. The answer is simple: Cordova Golf Club is catered by Beach Hut Deli. You’re telling me a shark bite wouldn’t hit the spot, especially after hitting the green from the top of a mountain?
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epicness
2019 & 2024 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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