Last year, two major events took place within two weeks of each other. First, Donald Trump was inaugurated as the 47th President of the United States. Then — in a much more important and slightly less popular happening — Jey Uso won the WWE Men’s Royal Rumble. Although these two events have absolutely nothing to do with each other (outside of a common audience), their borders became blurred on the internet.
Having only been a wrestling fan since 2022, I’m not sure if this kind of discourse is common every four years. But both during and after the Royal Rumble, I kept finding posts and threads full of people imagining what would happen if there were a Royal Rumble-style match involving U.S. presidents, including who would win. Naturally, I got swooped in, as did my coworker, Alex. In fact, the two of us spent a solid hour during the first day back at work after the Rumble mapping out exactly how a presidential version would go, using a random number generator to determine the order of entry. We somehow got our work done, but the work on this red, white, and blue battle show had only just begun.
I only changed the order of a few presidents, with the result below being pretty much the scenario he and I envisioned. I would’ve been more motivated to get this out last year, what with it happening then and all. But it would’ve been after the event — and the ensuing buzz online — had ended. So, with the 2026 Royal Rumble just a few days away, I figured now would be a good time to publish it. Plus, given that this year’s Rumble will be taking place in Saudi Arabia — a decision that made Uso’s crowning seem as popular as Cody Rhodes finishing the story in comparison — we could use a transfusion of bald eagles, fireworks, and incredibly unhealthy food.
First, a few clarifications. Each president who is dead will be brought back from the grave at the age and shape they were in while in office. Each living president will be reverted back to those same stats for themselves as well. Trump, the current president, will be entered as he is now. Speaking of Trump, he and Grover Cleveland have the distinction of being the two presidents elected in non-consecutive terms. However, they will be limited to just one entry each — no “three faces of Foley” homage here. Each president will be fully caught up on history and current events, being aware of and well familiar to each of their competitors. Finally, this is going to be a bit longer than some might expect, given that there are 45 presidents compared to the normal 30 participants of a Royal Rumble. It’s almost like 30 is the best amount for this match style and anything more — like 50, per se — would be too much, especially for a so-called “greatest” event.
We head to Washington, D.C. for this historic occasion. Fans from all sides of the political spectrum have packed a sold out Nationals Park to watch this once-in-a-lifetime action in the squared circle. Even the ring ropes have been turned red, white, and blue Saturday Night’s Main Event style. In the opener, the First Ladies threatened to steal the show with their own Royal Rumble match, which saw Michelle Obama outlast Edith Wilson, Dolley Madison, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Jackie Kennedy to take the crown. Then, Alexander Hamilton got his long-awaited revenge by taking down Aaron Burr in a New York Death Match, followed by the Bush family defeating the Adams family to earn a shot at the Kennedy family for the tag team championship.
Now, with the main event of the evening upon them, the crowd roars in anticipation of what’s to come. 45 presidents, battling in the ring and throwing each other over the ropes until there’s only one left standing. The winner receives an automatic spot in the 2028 general election. If Trump, the current president, wins, then he gets to run for another term. The stakes could not be higher for those involved.
As the timekeeper rings the bell, the National Anthem begins playing. Although fans begin to stand up in a confused manner (they had played the Anthem before the first match of the night), they soon realize this marks the entrance of the first competitor. Who more fitting to be the first entrant in the Presidential Rumble than the first ever president? Fans erupt in applause as George Washington glides to the ring, riding a boat filled with replica Continental Army soldiers — a homage to his crossing of the Delaware River. The Father of the Nation disembarks and enters the ring, basking in the well-deserved cheers as fans give him his flowers.
The praise gives way to the first countdown of the match, which is followed by an unusual choice of music: “Round a World Girls” by Uncle Sam. But Washington knows exactly what this is: dubstep, which can only mean the emergence of Dubya. Indeed, George W. Bush makes his way to the ring to a surprisingly mixed response. The music fades and the Presidential Rumble kicks off with an all-George showdown, with both presidents tying up in the center of the ring. Washington gets the better of the exchange, tossing Bush to the corner and landing some shoulder checks. Bush manages to counter and seems to have Washington set up for an early exit, only for the latter to land a dropkick and send Bush crashing to the canvas. However, Washington can’t get Bush over the ropes and the countdown begins again.
As “Blue Moon of Kentucky” blasts over the venue, Zachary Taylor strides down the ramp and jumps into the ring. Taylor takes advantage of the prior scuffle and sends Washington and Bush into opposite corners. He alternates back and forth, hitting one with a splash before running to the other side and hitting the other. While many expect Taylor to pick one side of the ring, he instead keeps up this vague strategy until the buzzer sounds again and the saxophone riff of “Careless Whisper” plays across the venue. Bill Clinton enters to a chorus of boos that probably would’ve been cheers a year or so ago. As the crowd breaks into chants of “EPSTEIN!,” Clinton ducks a lariat attempt by Taylor, runs the ropes, and hits Taylor with a spear. As Clinton tries (and fails) to appease to the crowd, Taylor struggles to get to his feet, clutching his stomach. Washington and Bush, having recovered enough, decide to compromise and hit Taylor with a double clothesline, sending him over the ropes for the first elimination of the match.
The trio continue to tango until the buzzer sounds, followed by the tones of “Tales of Brave Ulysses” by Cream. Ulysses S. Grant enters the ring and goes right after Clinton, with the two trading blows. Grant starts to get the better of the exchanges, only for Clinton to counter with an eye poke, prompting even more boos. As Grant turns away to recover, Clinton tries to lock in a sleeper hold. Desperate to escape, Grant hits Clinton down low with the back of his heel, breaking the hold. Grant then turns around, grabs Clinton, and hurls him over the ropes, earning the praise of the crowd, who ignore the blatant low blow.
“Father & Son” by Cat Stevens follows the next buzzer, signaling the arrival of John Quincy Adams. With the two generals — Washington and Grant — tangled up in one corner, Bush rises to meet the arriving Adams. As the lyrics fade, the crowd realizes the significance of this staredown; these are the only two sons of presidents who went on to become presidents themselves. After a few moments, Adams appeals to Bush, suggesting that as the only two presidents who had to live up to their fathers’ legacy, they should work together. Bush, however, just wants to fight. Seeing no other option, Adams aims a Big Boot at Bush, who ducks out of the way and grabs Adams from behind, hitting a German suplex. As Adams tumbles into an empty corner, Bush lines himself up on the other end of the ring and goes for a big splash. But Adams manages to get out of the way, with Bush hitting his head on the top turnbuckle. Adams is able to capitalize on a dazed Bush, tossing him over the ropes and out of the ring.
“Skull and Bones” by Home Free blasts over the loudspeakers, marking the arrival of William Howard Taft. The ring shakes Taft steps through the ropes. He’s met by Adams, who flings himself at Taft, only to bounce off harmlessly. Adams gets up and hits Taft repeatedly in the chest, to no effect. Taft then winds up and flattens Adams with a lariat. Washington and Grant take a break from their tussle to go at Taft, almost working in tandem and landing strikes that actually seem to do some damage. They both then attempt to send Taft over the ropes, but it’s in vain, as Taft throws them off before giving a mighty bellow.
His roar is matched only by the sound of the buzzer, which is followed by “I’ll Remember Tonight” by the Mugwumps, signaling the arrival of Grover Cleveland. He steps in the ring, which continues to tremble as the two heaviest presidents in history face off. Taft and Cleveland trade thunderous blows, culminating when both of them run the ropes — which strain upon the dual impact — before colliding in a thunderous clash that sends tremors across the ring and the venue. As the two giants engage in a standoff, their snarls suddenly turn into smiles. The crowd gasps in shock as the pair shake hands, turning this hoss fight into a temporary partnership that crosses party lines. Their first victim is Adams, who is just now picking himself off the floor. Taft and Cleveland lift Adams up and toss him over the ropes with ease.
The first fresh attempt to tackle the “Presidential Disasters” comes from James Monroe, who enters to the tune of “Bloodline” by Mon Rovîa. Monroe gives it a good effort, but it’s clear he’s outmatched by the combined efforts of Taft and Cleveland. Seeing his fellow Founding Father in danger, Washington gets to his feet manages to distract the pair long enough for Monroe to recover. In fact, Washington and Monroe manage to get some offense in, seemingly turning the tide. However, Taft manages to avoid a dropkick by Washington, who is then left victim to a Standing Moonsault by Cleveland. Taft then hits an outmatched Monroe with another vicious lariat, before he and Cleveland throw Monroe over the ropes.
With Washington and Grant opting to rest in the corner, Taft and Cleveland proceed to run riot over the next few competitors. William McKinley (walking out to “Pink Elephants on Parade” from the Dumbo soundtrack) is spared no mercy by Taft, despite McKinley paving the way for dominance by Republicans like Taft in the early 1900’s. McKinley fights valiantly, but is ultimately overmatched and sent over the top rope. Martin Van Buren (“Good Night Mr. President” by Boudewijn de Groot) fares no better, as Taft and Cleveland simply toss Van Buren back and forth like a football. Cleveland spares no mercy for the man who helped found his Democratic party, as he throws Van Buren over the ropes. Franklin Pierce (“Bleeding Kansas” by Bartlett) somehow does even worse, as Taft and Cleveland decide to flex by hitting back-to-back splashes on Pierce before sending him over the top rope.
Chester A. Arthur (“The Sideburns Song” by Toby Turner) is a bit more successful, with his solid frame providing enough of a resistance to last until the next buzzer. In comes John F. Kennedy (“Happy Birthday, Mr. President” by Marilyn Monroe), who rushes in to try to save the man who massively expanded the very U.S. Navy Kennedy would later enlist in. Kennedy’s youthfulness and energy manage to keep Taft and Cleveland at bay for a while, as he and Arthur even get some offense of their own in. However, Kennedy goes a little too heavy on the offense, as an attempted Cuban Destroyer on Taft is blocked by the sheer size difference between the two. Taft then hits a Banzai drop on Kennedy, before joining Cleveland to turn the tide against Arthur, who is eventually sent over top rope. Taft and Cleveland, well in control, attempt to do the same to Kennedy, who desperately clings to the rope as the buzzer sounds to mark the 15th entry and the third-way mark of the Presidential Rumble.
As “Ruff Ryders’ Anthem” by DMX blares throughout the venue, Taft and Cleveland suddenly freeze, their eyes bulging with fear at the sight before them. Theodore Roosevelt walks slowly to the ring, eyeing his first two victims as the crowd chants “TEDDY!” at him. As he steps through the ropes, Roosevelt is met by Taft and Cleveland in the middle of the ring, his gaze at the two hosses unflinching. Taft and Cleveland attempt a double clothesline, only for Roosevelt to duck underneath, bounce off the ropes, then hit both of them with a clothesline of his own. The Presidential Disasters crash to the ground, shocked that someone managed to put both of them down. They both get back up and go after Roosevelt, who manages to fend off both of their strikes. But the two-on-one advantage eventually turns the tide, with Taft and Cleveland pushing Roosevelt to the ropes. They both go to tip over Roosevelt, who manages to use his legs to hang onto his attackers. Just as they slightly loosen their grip, Roosevelt suddenly pushes himself off the ropes and springs behind Taft and Cleveland. He then grabs one of each of their legs and, using immense strength, hoists both Taft and Cleveland into the air and tosses them both over the ropes. The Presidential Disasters crash to the floor with a massive thud, looking stunned as Roosevelt stands on the ropes arms raised as the crowd roars in excitement.
Their cheers are interrupted by the buzzer, followed by James A. Garfield entering to the theme of Here Comes Garfield. However, before Garfield can get to the ring, he’s interrupted by Taft and Cleveland, who are upset at each other for their elimination. As the two brawl their way to the back, Garfield is caught in the crossfire, Taft and Cleveland each landing big shots that send Garfield to the ground. Not content to wait for Garfield to arrive in the ring, Roosevelt turns around just in time to see Kennedy lunging at him. Roosevelt gets out of the way as Kennedy bounces off the ropes, right into a Pop Up Powerbomb. As Kennedy lays dazed on the mat, Roosevelt turns his attention to Washington and Grant, forced back into the action. Washington is the first to meet Roosevelt, as the two begin to brawl. Meantime, a wounded Garfield finally makes it to the ring, only to met by Grant, who lands a shot to the stomach to further stagger Garfield. Grant then throws Garfield over the ropes.
Rutherford B. Hayes enters next, to “Half-Breed” by Cher. Hayes, not one to back down from a challenge, goes right at Roosevelt, who has just landed a big chop on Washington. As Roosevelt and Hayes start to scrap, Grant sees an opportunity to eliminate Washington and take the Iron Man position for himself. Grant gets Washington up and sends him over the top rope, though Washington manages to hold on, his feet narrowly avoiding the floor. As Grant desperately tries to break Washington’s grip, he’s unaware that Kennedy has staggered to his feet. Seeing Grant distracted, Kennedy stumbles over and summons enough strength to grab Grant from behind and flip him over the ropes and onto the floor. As Grant fumes, Washington rolls back under the ropes, rises to his feet, and gives Kennedy a pat on the back.
As Kennedy slumps into a corner to rest, the buzzer followed by “Here Comes the Boom” by Nelly signals the arrival of Harry S. Truman. The newcomer decides to go after Hayes, leaving Roosevelt to tango with Washington once again. While Truman’s explosive move set gets the better of Hayes, it’s still not enough to force an elimination. The next buzzer is followed up “Georgia on My Mind” by Ray Charles, as well as loud cheers for the arriving Jimmy Carter. Surprisingly, Carter goes straight for the big dog in Roosevelt, who stops what was looking like to be Washington’s elimination to handle the newest arrival. Carter throws some chops (to no effect) and tries a shoulder tackle, only to be knocked down to the ground. Carter gets back up, only to be dropped by a lariat from Roosevelt. After a few more heavy blows, Roosevelt appears to be on the verge of another elimination, throwing Carter over the ropes. However, Carter manages to hang on, with Roosevelt only stopping his effort to finish the job to look up at the entrance to see who the next entrant will be.
The buzzer sounds, and “Ain’t No Grave” by Johnny Cash plays on the loudspeakers. A tall figure in a tall hat emerges from the shadows, and the crowd goes wild as they realize it’s Abraham Lincoln. His long strides carry him slowly but menacingly down towards the ring. Lincoln tosses his hat into the crowd before stepping over the ropes. He stops to offer Carter a hand back to his feet, before turning around and coming face-to-face with Roosevelt. The crowd is at a fever pitch as arguably the two favorites to win the match size each other up. But, before either of them can move first, each are ambushed — Hayes comes out of nowhere to catch Lincoln off guard, while Truman launches a flurry of strikes against Roosevelt. Still, Lincoln is able to quickly recover and launch Hayes over the top ropes, while Roosevelt uses Truman’s momentum against him and sends him over the ropes as well.
Before the Lincoln and Roosevelt can throw down, the buzzer sounds once again. “Tearing Us Apart” by Eric Clapton plays in the venue, with James Buchannan making his way to the ring. As Roosevelt steps forward to face him, Lincoln puts his arm in front of Roosevelt, wanting to handle Buchannan by himself and get revenge on his predecessor for failing to do anything to stop the oncoming Civil War before Lincoln took office. Roosevelt concedes and turns his attention back to Washington and Kennedy. Buchannan pulls back to swing, but Lincoln grabs his neck before lifting him up for a chokeslam. Buchannan painfully rolls to the ropes and tries to pull himself up, only for Lincoln to deliver a series of strikes to his body. As Buchannan staggers and fruitlessly attempts to take Lincoln down, Lincoln counters with a Last Ride, flattening Buchannan to the canvas with a thud. Lincoln scrapes Buchannan off the mat and tosses him over the ropes, revenge completed.
Revenge takes long enough for the buzzer to ring again, with “I Like Ike” by The Promenade Band serenading Dwight D. Eisenhower to the ring. Unlike Buchannan, Eisenhower proves to be a challenge for Lincoln, with the two of them becoming dance partners for the next couple of minutes. The six competitors in the ring are split into pairs, with Lincoln and Eisenhower going blow for blow, Roosevelt still trying (and failing) to get Washington over the ropes, and the underdogs Kennedy and Carter facing off. The latter matchup appears to be going the way of Kennedy until the buzzer rings.
“Been Caught Stealing” by Jane’s Addiction signals the halfway point of the Presidential Rumble, as well as the entrance of Richard Nixon, who makes a bee line right for Kennedy. Wanting revenge for the 1960 Presidential Election and determined not to embarrass himself under the bright lights again, Nixon goes right after Kennedy with strikes and puts Kennedy on the ropes. Kennedy tries valiantly to fight back, but the wear and tear suffered throughout the match so far is catching up to him. Unable to stand, Kennedy is brought to his knees in the center of the ring, where Nixon hits a Bomaye that sends Kennedy down the rest of the way to the mat. Nixon then picks Kennedy up and throws him over the ropes, celebrating by putting up his infamous peace sign pose.
However, Nixon’s smile turns to a frown upon seeing the next entrant: Lyndon Johnson, backed by the tune of “Jumbo” by the Bee Gees. Determined to avenge Kennedy once again, Johnson goes right for Nixon, who slides underneath the ropes and tries to flee into the crowd. Johnson gives chase, catching up to Nixon before wailing on him with punches. Johnson grabs Nixon and throws him back over the barricade, narrowly avoiding a stack of water bottles that had been arranged for sponsorship reasons. As Johnson climbs back over himself, Nixon reaches down by the barricade and picks up a steel grate, swinging it right at Johnson’s head. Johnson manages to duck in time, with the grate slamming right into the stack of bottles, sending water spraying and several bottles flying at fans in the front row — some of them children. While most would avoid serious injury, the “Water-Grate Scandal” would be a blemish on the overall match.
Amid the commotion, the buzzer sounds again, followed by “California Here I Come” by Al Jolson. A mixed response — but overall positive — is what greets the next entrant: Ronald Reagan, who makes his way into the ring. But before Reagan can take any action, he’s halted by Nixon sliding back into the ring, followed closely by Johnson. Nixon looks up and sees Reagan ready to throw down, then turns around to see Johnson frothing at the mouth. Sensing his time in the match is about to come to an end, Nixon decides to simply step back and jump over the ropes, eliminating himself from competition. Still itching to scrap, Johnson eyes up Reagan, who is eager to make his own mark on the match. The two then begin to throw down.
Having tried and failed once again to get Washington over the ropes, Roosevelt steps away in frustration to catch his breath. At the same time, the buzzer sounds, followed by “Wig” by the B-52’s. William Henry Harrison runs to the ring, eager to begin his involvement in the match. Unfortunately for him, as soon as he slides under the ropes, he’s met by an enraged Roosevelt, who clubs him back over the top rope in a matter of seconds. Roosevelt then turns his attention back to Washington, who manages to survive until the next buzzer. That’s when he finally gets some help, with “What He Wrote” by Jonathan Sprout hailing the arrival of Thomas Jefferson. The Founding Father goes to help the other, pulling Roosevelt off Washington and turning the tide. But just when it seems like Washington and Jefferson may be able to put Roosevelt over the top, he instead holds on.
The buzzer sounds again, this time followed by the theme for John Adams. Of course, who enters the match is none other than John Adams himself, although he and the rest other Founding Fathers aren’t exactly thrilled to see each other. In fact, it’s Jefferson — the Sami Zayn to his Kevin Owens — that Adams is eyeing in particular. In the middle of the ring, the two former friends turned foes have an intense staredown as the crowd goes wild. The two then engage in a hockey fight, trading big shot after big shot as neither appears ready to give an inch. They both run the ropes and shoulder check each other to the mat, struggling to get back up afterwards.
Their battle is interrupted by the buzzer, as well as “Deep in the Heart of Texas” by Gene Autry. George H. W. Bush storms out of the back and sprints to the ring, hell bent on getting his hands on someone. As it turns out, that someone is Adams, as Bush hits him with a Lou Thesz Press before wailing on him with punches in front of a stunned Jefferson (who does nothing to help his fellow Founding Father). Turns out, Bush is motivated to avenge his son, who was eliminated by Adams’ son earlier in the match. Bush gets up and runs to the other side of the ring, as Adams uses the ropes to struggle to his feet. Just as he does so, Bush runs full speed ahead and tackles Adams, sending both of them tumbling over the top rope.
As the second third of the match comes to a close, “Old Hickory” by Old Crow Medicine Show signals the arrival of a new heel. Andrew Jackson makes his way to the ring through a chorus of boos, but is undaunted, even gesturing to the audience to turn the noise up. Jackson steps into the ring and goes straight for Johnson, who appears to be finally getting the better of Reagan. However, that momentum is brought to a halt by a low blow from Jackson, who promptly sends the rubber-legged Johnson over the top rope. He then turns to a recovering Reagan and promptly unleashes a vicious chop at him. Several more chops follow, the last of which send Reagan crashing to the canvas. Jackson picks him up again and, with one more chop, sends Reagan over the top rope as well, with Reagan crashing into the rest of the water bottle display, droplets trickling down onto his head. Jackson then breaks up the scuffle between Lincoln and Eisenhower, hitting both with chops, which somewhat drown out the sound of the next buzzer.
The University of Michigan theme song “The Victors” begins to play, as Gerald Ford runs to the ring. Wanting to leave Jackson to Lincoln and thinking Ford will be an easy elimination, Eisenhower waits for Ford to enter the ring before attempting a clothesline. However, Ford ducks under, runs the ropes, then spears Eisenhower (who forgot that Ford played college football) out of his shoes. Thinking quickly, Ford follows up on his momentum and sends Eisenhower over the top rope, posing afterwards. At this time, Jackson temporarily immobilizes Lincoln with a big chop, then perfectly times Ford descending from the ropes and turning around to deliver another low blow. Ford is powerless to avoid being sent over the top ropes himself afterwards.
Jackson smiles upon hearing “Mexico Fight” from the Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood soundtrack. That’s because the president making his way to the ring, James K. Polk, is a protege of his. Sure enough, Jackson and Polk soon start wreaking havoc, first on Jefferson and then on Lincoln, for whom they save their strongest attacks yet. But just when Lincoln is brought to his knees, the buzzer sounds again, followed by “Tennessee Waltz” by Patti Page. This time, it’s Lincoln who has backup, with one of his vice presidents, Andrew Johnson, sprinting to the ring. With a furry of strikes, Johnson manages to push Jackson away before focusing his full attack on Polk, pushing him to the edge of the ring. One more running of the ropes and a clothesline later, Polk is sent over the top rope, with Johnson staring down at him in defiance. However, Jackson takes advantage and — with Lincoln still too hurt to stop him — rushes over to tip Johnson over the ropes as well. Enraged, Lincoln gets up and goes after Jackson, getting his best offense in and nearly eliminating Jackson, who just manages to hang on.
“Hoover” by Yung Lean brings Herbert Hoover into the fray, two sprints to the ring faster than the stock market crashed during his presidency. Given his relative freshness compared to the other presidents, Hoover lands a few good blows to everyone before “The Warrior” by Scandal sees Warren Harding enter as well. Not much later, “Cool” by the Jonas Brothers plays Calvin Coolidge to the ring. Once inside, Coolidge brings Hoover and Harding together, proposing an alliance between the three Republicans who succeeded each other in the 1920’s. The other two agree, and the trio proceeds to beat up pretty much every other competitor in the match. However, they can’t manage to outright eliminate anyone, even Carter, though his elimination was only spared by a distraction by Lincoln, allowing Carter to escape. Undeterred, the trio decide to wait for the buzzer to sound, with the next entrant being their first victim.
“Not Like Us” by Kendrick Lamar blares across the venue, causing the audience to lose their minds, knowing there’s only one president who can walk out to that song. Chants of “YES WE CAN!” break out, as Barack Obama makes his way to the ring. But upon stepping through the ropes, his smile disappears — not in favor of a look of fear, but rather one of determination. Seeing the presidents mainly responsible for the Great Depression and having to deal with the Great Recession himself, Obama decides to take out some frustrations on the trio in front of him. Harding and Hoover both go after Obama at once, but the latter gets out of the way before hitting both with a clothesline. As Harding and Hoover bounce back up, Obama proceeds to alternate between them as he kicks them in the chest, the crowd chanting “YES!” every time connects. Once both are stunned, Obama first sends Harding over the top rope, followed by Hoover. As Obama turns towards him, Coolidge backs up and attempts to run the ropes, only to be met by a Busaiku Knee from Obama. A stunned Coolidge is then picked up by Obama and tossed over the top rope to a chorus of cheers.
The next buzzer sounds and Millard Filmore walks to the ring to the tune of “Buffalo Soldier” by Bob Marley & The Wailers, unaware of the song’s true meaning. Naturally, Fillmore goes right for Obama, swinging wildly in an attempt to take down his foe and get rid of the anger he had hoped to take out on Taylor. However, Obama remains calm and collected, baiting Fillmore into a spear attempt that he sidesteps, causing Fillmore to ram into the ring post. Obama wastes little time in chucking a dazed Fillmore over the top rope. A similar fate is suffered by John Tyler, entering to “Earfquake” by Tyler, the Creator. Trying to get the best of Obama, Tyler is sent into the ropes. As he gets ready to launch a counter-attack, Jefferson is struck by a blow from Roosevelt, causing his wig to fly off. The wig accidentally hits Tyler right in the face, discombobulating him for several seconds. By the time he recovers, it’s too late — Obama swoops in with a clothesline and sends Tyler over the top rope.
Benjamin Harrison is the next president to the ring, walking out to Jim Nabors’ version of “Back Home Again in Indiana” and rocking a Fernando Mendoza jersey. Harrison enters the ring, but instead of rushing at Obama, he acts methodically and carefully plans his attack. Obama gives Harrison a sly smile as the two circle each other. They engage in a spirited back-and-forth, Harrison’s experience and raw strength able to to counter Obama’s height and reach advantage. While Harrison manages to last until the next buzzer, help for Obama is on the way.
Joe Biden kicks off the final five entrants, running to the ring as “Biden” by Bo Burnham plays in the venue, without a hint of irony. Biden goes right for Harrison, who is able to reverse his attempted lariat into an arm drag. Harrison nearly gets Biden over the ropes, but the latter manages to hang on. Meanwhile, Obama’s reprieve is interrupted by Jackson, who delivers a vicious chop to the back before further engaging him. Lincoln and Jefferson are now facing off, while Washington and Roosevelt continue their duel and Carter (Jackson’s previous chop victim) recovers in a corner.
“Nothing Left” by 14 Points signals the arrival of Woodrow Wilson, who tries to find a dance partner. He looks at Jackson and Obama trading blows and wants none of that. But Carter looks vulnerable, and Wilson immediately tries to get him over the ropes. As Carter tries to hang on, Biden disengages with Harrison, forgetting what he was doing and suddenly deciding to try his luck with Wilson. As Carter scampers away, Biden and Wilson struggle to get the other over the top rope.
In all of the commotion, the buzzer sounds, followed by the “JMU Fight Song” from James Madison University. But as James Madison makes his way to the ring, Biden appears to win the scuffle, sending Wilson over the top rope — though he manages to hang on. As Biden takes a second to recover, Harrison — wanting to pick up where he and Biden left off — aims a Superkick for Biden. However, Biden manages to duck just in time, right as Wilson is finally able to stand up on the apron. Wilson turns around right as the bottom of Harrison’s foot connects with his face, sending him sprawling to the canvas. As Harrison steps forward to confusedly look at both Biden and an eliminated Wilson, Madison finally enters the ring. Sensing the opportunity, Madison grabs the legs of a distracted Harrison and heaves him over the top rope as well.
Before Madison can turn around, he’s cracked in the back with a big shot from Lincoln. Washington — seeing his fellow Founding Father go down — steps away from Roosevelt to confront Lincoln. However, Roosevelt still wants to scrap, standing by Lincoln and in front of Washington. Looking as if Washington may be outnumbered, Jefferson walks over to stand next to Washington, facing Roosevelt. With Madison down, Carter recovering, and Biden helping Obama tango with Jackson in the corner, the foursome of Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, and Lincoln stand together in the middle of the ring. After a few seconds, the crowd realizes this is no ordinary aura farming — these are the same faces carved onto the granite which was once called the Six Grandfathers and wrongfully stolen by the U.S. government from the Sioux Nation. But not even the Mount Rushmore spot could’ve prepared those in attendance for what was to come next.
The buzzer sounds for the second-to-last time, and “Then and Now” by The New Deal echoes across the venue. Franklin D. Roosevelt makes his way to the ring, but unlike the other presidents, he’s not using his feet. Paralyzed from the waist down due to polio, Roosevelt rolls himself down the entrance in his wheelchair. Due to his condition, there’s no way he can win. But that’s not going to stop him from giving it a go. The presidents in the ring stop what they’re doing and give their attention to Roosevelt, who pulls up to the apron. By the sheer force of will, Roosevelt grabs the ropes and hoists himself into the ring, going under the ropes. Washington and the elder Roosevelt walk over, pick him up by the shoulders, and carry him to the center of the ring, where the audience and the rest of the presidents give him a round of applause. Roosevelt is then led back to the ropes and gently positioned on the apron. As the other presidents back away, Roosevelt lowers himself down the ropes and, finally, to his wheelchair, eliminating himself from the competition. As Roosevelt wheels himself back up the ramp, more cheers and applause fill the air, so much so that the countdown is completely drowned out. However, the final buzzer of the evening rings, its shrill noise bringing everyone sharply back to reality.
The chorus for “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice starts to play, before giving way to “For the Love of Money” by the O’Jays — the theme of The Apprentice. At last, Donald J. Trump makes his entrance, getting the privilege of being the final competitor due to champion’s advantage. As Trump walks to the ring and breaks out his dance a couple of times (once in front of the wheelchair-bound Roosevelt), the audience greets him with a deafening chorus of boos, giving Trump a level of nuclear heat not achieved by even Roman Reigns post-Wrestlemania 33, Gunther after retiring John Cena, or Shawn Michaels in Montreal. As Trump reaches the ring, the rest of the presidents — who hadn’t resumed action since stopping for Roosevelt’s entrance — brace for him to enter. However, Trump just stands there, not technically needing to enter just yet. With no other competitors left, there’s no rush. Trump has decided to just bide his time and wait for the rest of the field to whittle themselves down. As the yelling continues, Jackson finally has enough and delivers a chop to Carter, causing a pissed off Lincoln to deliver a receipt at Jackson, which sparks the action in the ring once again.
As Trump walks around the ring to sit on the announcer’s table (even offering to do commentary at one point), the intensity in the squared circle ramps up. Obama and Biden team up to go after Washington and Jefferson. Lincoln and Jackson continue their brawl. Roosevelt and Madison decide to face off. Carter, meanwhile, tries to stay away from the conflict. But too many presidents are in the ring to do so for long. Washington and Jefferson manage to send Biden across the ring, with Jefferson turning his attention to Obama. Biden collides with Roosevelt, sending the latter tumbling into Jackson. Roosevelt and Jackson then decide to go at it, with a now free Madison deciding to target Carter. But just when Carter is against the ropes, Madison is decked from behind by Lincoln, who scoops Madison up and tosses him over the top rope. Trump cracks a smile — one fewer enemy left.
Lincoln smiles at a weary Carter, then senses something and looks across the ring. Standing in front of him is none other than Washington. Somehow, arguably the two most iconic and beloved presidents of all-time have yet to square off one-on-one in this encounter. That changes now, as Washington and Lincoln begin to circle each other as the crowd cheers them on. The generational clash does not disappoint, with Washington ducking a Big Boot, bouncing off the ropes, and hitting Lincoln with a Disaster Kick. Washington follows up with a Drop Down Punch attack, but another running of the ropes is countered by a jumping clothesline. Lincoln then follows up with a choke slam attempt, but Washington escapes and climbs to the top of the ring post. But before he can launch his attack, Lincoln recovers, grabs his throat, and gets off a super chokeslam. As Lincoln stands over him, Washington sweeps the leg and goes for a Figure-Four Leglock, only for Lincoln to counter with a strike and attempted Hell’s Gate. Washington escapes, but as they both rise Lincoln goes for another chokeslam. As Lincoln lifts him up, Washington lands a desperate dropkick, sending Lincoln into the ropes by the ramp, with his own momentum putting him at the rope near the announcer’s table.
As the crowd roars in approval, Washington and Lincoln slowly rise to their feet, breathing heavily and staring at each other. As they respectfully nod at each other, they both get ready to go at it again. Suddenly, a pair of hands reach up from behind Washington and grab him around the throat. Trump has taken advantage of the distraction and pulled Washington over the top rope, eliminating him from the competition. The crowd’s cheers turn to boos, furious at the iron man of the match being taken out in this fashion. An exhausted and defeated Washington leaves as Trump dances behind him.
Enraged at his dance partner and fellow Mt. Rushmore mate being eliminated so sneakily, Lincoln walks across the ring and slides under the ropes. Roosevelt, having seen Washington’s elimination (something he tried and failed to do many times), breaks away from the pack and slides under the ropes as well. Lincoln and Roosevelt confront Trump, demanding he get in the ring and officially enter the match. Trump refuses, insisting that his way is the smartest way and telling his competitors to go back themselves. Lincoln and Roosevelt turn to leave, but double back and start pummeling Trump, much to the crowd’s delight. After both hit a series of chops and strikes, Lincoln and Roosevelt leave a dazed Trump sprawled out on the announcer’s table before they get back in the ring. Meanwhile, Biden, seeing a prone Trump lying on the table and wanting to join in on the fun, climbs up to the top rope and leaps into the air, hitting Trump with a flying elbow drop that smashes both of them through the table. After a few seconds, Biden gets to his feet and roars in triumph, only for the referee to inform him that due to this being a Royal Rumble-type match, Biden has just eliminated himself, much to Obama’s exasperation.
As Carter slides under the ropes to try to lug Trump into the ring himself (to no avail), back inside, Roosevelt goes after Jefferson, while Lincoln and Obama take on Jackson. Jefferson manages to land a series of spinning strikes and kicks to Roosevelt, before climbing over the ropes and then launching himself off them for a Phenomenal Forearm. But Roosevelt manages to catch Jefferson mid-air, before hoisting him up and hitting a spinebuster. Roosevelt picks Jefferson up off the ground and tosses him over the ropes, but Jefferson manages to just hang on, his hands gripping the top rope and feet dangling precariously close to the floor. Roosevelt — who thought Jefferson had been eliminated — pauses for a few seconds, unsure what to do next. Obama sees this and tries to take advantage, breaking away from an attempt be he and Lincoln to lift Jackson over the ropes by trying to do the same to Roosevelt. Obama’s effort is in vain, as Roosevelt recovers and the two of them trade blows. Meanwhile, Trump finally staggers to his feet outside the ring. Looking up and seeing Jefferson struggle to get back onto the apron, he pushes Carter aside, slides under the ropes, runs across the ring, and pushes Jefferson off the apron onto the floor. Trump stands back up and dances above an eliminated Jefferson.
However, Trump soon realizes that he has now officially entered the match and is now fair game for everyone else. He turns around to see an irate Roosevelt, who pushes Obama away and squares up to Trump, furious at having another elimination stolen from him. Trump slides under the ropes and out of the ring, with Roosevelt giving chase. Meanwhile, without Obama’s help, Lincoln cannot get Jackson over the ropes. As Lincoln yells at Obama to return, Jackson takes advantage by hoofing Lincoln between the legs. He gets back in the ring and then turns to Obama, who runs right into a vicious chop from Jackson. As Obama rolls under the ropes to recover, Jackson turns his full attention to a downed Lincoln, delivering several more chops that send him further down to the floor. With no one else in the ring, it seems that nothing can stop Jackson from eliminating Lincoln.
But Carter can’t just stand idly by as the president who’s saved him several times in this match is in this much trouble. Carter sprints back into the ring and aims right at Jackson, catching him off guard with a tackle. Jackson staggers back to his feet, only to be met by a shoulder check from Carter. Again and again and again, Carter springs off the ropes and collides with Jackson, knocking him to the floor. Carter grabs Jackson’s wrists and throws him into the post, before hitting a splash of his own. As Jackson tries to limp away, Carter roars for the crowd, who cheer as he mimics removing his straps. Carter then runs at full speed towards Jackson, hitting him with a clothesline and sending him tumbling over the top rope, to the thunderous applause of the audience. Looking up at Carter, Lincoln gives a huge smile.
Just then, Trump slides under the ropes and back into the ring, trying to get away from Roosevelt. Carter, now fully a house of fire, turns his attention to Trump, running the ropes and sending Trump to the canvas. Trump gets back to his feet, only to be sent back down again by Carter. The sequence repeats again and again, Trump taking longer and longer to get up each time. Finally, Carter has Trump slumped against the ropes as well, trying to grab onto the top rope and pull himself up. Totally feeling himself, Carter mimics putting his straps back on, before removing them again, much to the delight of the delirious crowd. Carter runs the ropes and aims one final attack on Trump. But as as Carter leaps into the air, Trump manages to pull the top rope down, with Carter sailing over it and onto the floor for an elimination.
As Trump gets back to his feet, he turns to find Roosevelt, who had followed him into the ring at last. He also sees Lincoln, irate at seeing his friend eliminated and wanting revenge. On the other side of the ring, a now-recovered Obama climbs back under the ropes and gets to his feet as well. Trump backs into the remaining corner and the final four competitors — Roosevelt, Lincoln, Obama, Trump — get an ovation from the crowd. But as Trump revels in being cheered for the first time all night, his smile fades as he realizes that each of his three opponents — Roosevelt (Washington & Jefferson), Lincoln (Carter), and Obama (goodness, where do we begin?) — all have their eyes on him.
Sure enough, the four-way turns into a three-on-one, as Roosevelt, Lincoln, and Obama wail on Trump in the corner. Obama then backs up before running at Trump and hitting him a Busaiku Knee. As Trump falls to the ground, Roosevelt begins stomping a mudhole, which Trump tries to escape from by rolling to the center of the ring. Unfortunately for Trump, he rolls right towards Lincoln, who hoists him up and turns him upside-down before hitting a Tombstone Piledriver. Obama then runs over, picks up Trump, guides him to the ropes, and dumps him over the top for a thunderous elimination. The crowd goes berserk for Trump’s elimination, as Obama stands on the ropes and gloats at Trump, unleashing more than a decade of pent up frustration. Unfortunately for Obama, the one time he loses his cool it’s costly, as he celebrates too long and allows Roosevelt to come up from behind and dump him over the ropes as well.
Just like that, we have our final pair. After their original faceoff got interrupted earlier in the match, only Roosevelt and Lincoln — arguably the two best pure wrestlers out of all the presidents — are left standing. But as the crowd cheers in excitement for these two combatants, a commotion stirs ringside. Obama and Trump are going at it, as they break out into a street fight. Trump grabs his presidential championship belt (which he had taken off prior to entering the ring) and hurls it at Obama. However, Obama ducks and the belt flies into the ring, knocking Roosevelt in the back of the head. With his final opponent stunned, Lincoln has the chance to secure an easy victory. But he stops, unable to let himself win the match in such a dishonest way. As Obama and Trump brawl to the back, Lincoln allows Roosevelt time to recover from the belt shot.
Suddenly, the lights go out. When they come back on, Jefferson Davis — the only president of the Confederate States of America — is standing behind Lincoln, holding a steel chair. Davis cracks Lincoln in the back of the head with the chair, causing Lincoln to crash to the ground. Now, it’s Roosevelt who has a chance at a quick and easy victory. Roosevelt looks at Davis, who offers him the chair. Roosevelt thinks for a moment, then smiles and takes the chair, much to the crowd’s shock. As the boos rain down, Roosevelt lifts the chair up and prepares to strike Lincoln, with Davis turning to face the crowd to see their reaction. Roosevelt swings the chair — but aims at Davis, hitting him the back to a massive cheer. Davis slumps against the ropes before rising to his feet, only to turn around into a kick to the abdomen, followed by a Stone Cold Stunner from Roosevelt. As Davis flies out of the ring, Lincoln sits up on the ground. Roosevelt then helps Lincoln back to his feet, repaying the gesture he showed him and wanting to win this contest properly.
With Lincoln now recovered and all distractions out of the way, the much-anticipated matchup can finally begin. The two circle each other before engaging for the first time, Lincoln’s length and technique trying to deal with Roosevelt’s raw power. Lincoln is eventually able to use Roosevelt’s momentum to fling him into the corner. Lincoln then gets on the bottom rope and delivers a series of strikes, before Roosevelt is able to push Lincoln off the ropes and onto the mat. Lincoln rolls over, avoiding an attempted stomp from Roosevelt. Lincoln tries to keep the distance with strikes, but Roosevelt is able to duck around Lincoln’s limbs and force him into the corner, ramming his shoulder repeatedly into Lincoln’s abdomen. Lincoln is able to jump over the last shoulder strike, as Roosevelt hits the ring post instead. Lincoln grabs Roosevelt and tries to lift him over the ropes, but Roosevelt quickly spins and sends Lincoln face first into the post himself. Roosevelt tries to push Lincoln over the top rope, but Lincoln uses his long legs to hold onto Roosevelt. Both of them teeter on the top rope for a bit, before crashing to the mat.
The two separate and get back to their feet, Lincoln taking advantage by landing a series of strikes. Lincoln then grabs Roosevelt’s wrists and flings him into the ropes, but a Big Boot attempt is missed, with Roosevelt hitting the ropes again and jumping onto Lincoln with a Lou Thesz Press. After some follow up strikes, Roosevelt leans down over Lincoln, preparing to stomp a mudhole. However, Lincoln suddenly reaches up and grabs Roosevelt’s throat, before rising up and hitting a massive choke slam. Lincoln stands Roosevelt back up and tries to throw him over, but Roosevelt manages to spin Lincoln around and against the ropes, catching him with a spinebuster on the return. Lincoln manages to stand up, but Roosevelt goes to send him over the ropes. This time, Lincoln reverses Roosevelt, sending him into the ropes and catching him with a Big Boot in return. Roosevelt is still standing, though Lincoln picks him up and goes for a Tombstone Piledriver. However, Roosevelt manages to reverse the move and hits Lincoln with a vertical suplex. Lincoln stays down, but Roosevelt is too exhausted to capitalize and collapses to the ground. The crowd roars in approval, and after about 30 seconds, Lincoln sits up on the ground, while Roosevelt does a kip-up. Both men are just about on their last legs, ready to give it one last effort.
The two men stagger to the center of the ring, exchanging blows hockey fight style. The punches go from quick and plentiful to slow, swinging strikes. The crowd oohs and ahs with each shot landed back-and-forth. Finally, Lincoln manages to land a few punches in a row, only for Roosevelt to simply bum rush him into the ropes. Both men try to lift the other up and over the rope, with the pair once again teetering on the edge. This time, they both go over, but land on the apron. The two of them rise and trade blows again, each strike landed threatening to send one of them off the side. Both of them dangle off the edge at one point, but manage to hand on. Of all things, Roosevelt goes for a Superkick, only to the caught mid-air by Lincoln, who picks Roosevelt up and goes for a Tombstone Piledriver. But Roosevelt is able to get out of it, landing on his feet before landing the Superkick this time, followed by a headbutt. This causes Lincoln to slip on the apron, though the still manages to hold onto the top rope, his feet inches from the floor. Roosevelt works manically to break Lincoln’s grip, failing to notice Lincoln seemingly trying to skin the cat. But instead, Lincoln uses his legs to grab Roosevelt’s head, swinging them forward and tossing Roosevelt off the apron and onto the floor.
As Roosevelt tries to process what just happened, the crowd roars for Lincoln’s victory. Lincoln manages to pull himself back into the ring, before slowly rising to his feet in triumph. Fireworks go off as Lincoln takes in the honor of winning the first ever Presidential Rumble. Roosevelt slides back into the ring and stares Lincoln down, before offering his hand to shake. Lincoln accepts, and after the handshake Roosevelt raises Lincoln’s hand before exiting the ring for good. Is this political positioning to gain favor as Lincoln’s running mate, with the latter now guaranteed a spot in the 2028 election? Who knows who Lincoln will choose. For now, as the crowd cheers in applause and Trump claims on social media that the outcome was rigged because he didn’t win (you can bet he’ll be launching an investigation), Lincoln starts to think about how he’ll celebrate. Maybe he’ll take his wife to go see a play.
Below is a breakdown of the Presidential Rumble, along with some stats.
| ORDER | PRESIDENT | ELIMINATED BY | ELIMATION ORDER |
| 1 | G. Washington | Trump | 37 |
| 2 | G. W. Bush | J. Q. Adams | 3 |
| 3 | Z. Taylor | Washington/ G. W. Bush | 1 |
| 4 | B. Clinton | Grant | 2 |
| 5 | U. Grant | Kennedy | 13 |
| 6 | J. Q. Adams | Taft/Cleveland | 4 |
| 7 | W. Taft | T. Roosevelt | 10/11 |
| 8 | G. Cleveland | T. Roosevelt | 10/11 |
| 9 | J. Monroe | Taft/Cleveland | 5 |
| 10 | W. McKinley | Taft/Cleveland | 6 |
| 11 | M. Van Buren | Taft/Cleveland | 7 |
| 12 | F. Pierce | Taft/Cleveland | 8 |
| 13 | C. Arthur | Taft/Cleveland | 9 |
| 14 | J. Kennedy | Nixon | 17 |
| 15 | T. Roosevelt | Lincoln | 44 |
| 16 | J. Garfield | Grant | 12 |
| 17 | R. Hayes | T. Roosevelt | 15 |
| 18 | H. Truman | Lincoln | 14 |
| 19 | J. Carter | (self) | 41 |
| 20 | A. Lincoln | WINNER | XX |
| 21 | J. Buchannan | Lincoln | 16 |
| 22 | D. Eisenhower | Ford | 24 |
| 23 | R. Nixon | (self) | 18 |
| 24 | L. Johnson | Jackson | 22 |
| 25 | R. Reagan | Jackson | 23 |
| 26 | W. Harrison | T. Roosevelt | 19 |
| 27 | T. Jefferson | Trump | 39 |
| 28 | J. Adams | G. W. Bush | 20/21 |
| 29 | G. W. Bush | (self) | 20/21 |
| 30 | A. Jackson | Carter | 40 |
| 31 | G. Ford | Jackson | 25 |
| 32 | J. Polk | Johnson | 26 |
| 33 | A. Johnson | Jackson | 27 |
| 34 | H. Hoover | Obama | 28 |
| 35 | W. Harding | Obama | 29 |
| 36 | C. Coolidge | Obama | 30 |
| 37 | B. Obama | T. Roosevelt | 43 |
| 38 | M. Fillmore | Obama | 31 |
| 39 | J. Tyler | Obama | 32 |
| 40 | B. Harrison | Madison | 34 |
| 41 | J. Biden | (self) | 38 |
| 42 | W. Wilson | B. Harrison | 33 |
| 43 | J. Madison | Lincoln | 36 |
| 44 | F. Roosevelt | (self) | 35 |
| 45 | D. Trump | Obama | 42 |
Most eliminations:
Taft/Cleveland/Obama (6)
T. Roosevelt (5)
Lincoln/Jackson (4)
Self eliminations:
Carter, Nixon, G. W. Bush, Biden, F. Roosevelt
Longest time in match:
Washington
Shortest time in match:
W. Harrison
Longest time in match without an elimination:
Jefferson
Well, hopefully you all enjoyed that. Let’s hope the actual 2026 Royal Rumble is that good. Who’s going to win? Probably one of Bron Breakker, Roman Reigns, or Sami Zayn. But there’s one outcome we should all be rooting for for maximum insanity: a Cody Rhodes trifecta. Come on, you know it would be funny.
Happy rumble, everyone!
Ruben's Writings 
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