Ruben's Writings

Wait a minute, it’s Wednesday. Why the hell is the newsletter coming out on a Wednesday?

(checks schedule)

What do you mean the NFL season starts on a Wednesday this year?

Yeah, this is pretty weird. Then again, football on a Wednesday is just the latest in the series of recent changes to the NFL and the sport as a whole. I mean, the Pro Bowl is dead! What’s that? Oh, no one cares. That being said, I will write up something on that at the end of the year. 

Change, of course, is the one constant in life, not just football. Dad gets his blood changed seemingly every week due to issues with his cancer medication. But the more things change, the more they stay the same, and Dad’s still as stubborn as ever, trying to finally win the league and not have me be the only Dominguez whose name is on the trophy.

Both change and similarity can be felt throughout the league. This is true for the biggest headline of the offseason. Ewing and Aly are both still parents, but they’re now parents of two, thanks to the arrival of Rhett last week! While we’ve all wished them both well over the past several days, it’s worth repeating: congrats to the both of you and your healthy family of four! I must say though, two boys with “R” names and none of them are Ruben? What the hell did I do to piss you off? Arik and Nick are both having enough of an adventure with one boy each.

Change and similarity are also felt with Emilio, who moved his family back to West Sacramento. He’s now once again within striking distance of where Chriss works, meaning he can challenge him to that race! In case you weren’t in the draft order Zoom meeting, Emilio stated that he can beat Chriss in a 100-yard dash. Now I would pay a lot of money to see that! Emilio might even have a chance, given Chriss may be distracted with his wedding preparations. 

Kyle managed to sneak in a cruise to Alaska amid his own wedding preparations, as did Jimmy, and as did my mother. This means if I had a nickel for everyone I know who made a trip to Alaska this year, I’d have several nickels. Speaking of money, Richard actually paid before the start of the season! It’s a minor miracle, as was something good actually happening to Riaz in fantasy football. But before we get to who he selected with the first overall pick — and who you all chose with your picks — it’s time to reveal what I’ve been up to since April.

Nothing much, honestly.

Yeah, it’s been pretty quiet on the Ruben front this summer. I’ve mainly been hunkering down since I went 30/30, and I don’t even have an overseas trip planned for the fall or winter (I do have multiple planned for next year, though). I will be taking one small trip next month, though it’s for something that I have discussed before but never seriously thought possible until this year. I’m going back to Las Vegas, not to hit up the casinos or revisit our old haunts from Emilio’s bachelor party or even attend a Raiders game. Nope, I’m going to Vegas for one reason and one reason only. 

It’s time to watch my first NASCAR race in person!

I mentioned in the draft newsletter that I’ve been actively following NASCAR this year and wanted to go to the Toyota/Save Mart 350 in Sonoma. But then AEW Forbidden Door was scheduled for San Jose on the same day and I was left with a dilemma. To answer the cliffhanger of a question I ended the previous newsletter on, I ended up going to the AEW show, and goodness me did I make the wrong call. Forbidden Door was absolutely incredible and the seats I had were right by the entrance ramp. It was electric and an unforgettable night of sports entertainment. Meanwhile, had I gone to Sonoma, I would’ve seen the same person who wins almost every Cup Series road course win again, with the one driver I’m kind of rooting for finishing in dead last after his engine crapped itself.

Still, I was determined to get to a race at some point, and Vegas has the closest Cup Series track besides Sonoma (Phoenix is pretty close as well). So, I bought my ticket and am set to bring you my full report after I return. But if I’m following NASCAR closely and even going to a race, I’d better fully commit to the bit. This year, I’m trying something new for these newsletters. Instead of having to rack my brain for a new theme each week, I’m instead opting for a season-long theme, with slight alterations for each newsletter. To reflect that, this year’s theme will be the sport with the longest regular season in sports, running from February to November. 

It’s time to buckle up, put on your helmets, and get ready to put the pedal to the metal. The NFL is back, and so is fantasy football! Drivers, start your engines — and in the words of Darrell Waltrip, “Boogity Boogity Boogity, let’s go racing, boys (and Aly!)”

(cue theme music)

DRAFT RECAP

JOEY LOGANO “GOLDEN HORSESHOE” AWARD

Joey Logano is one of just ten drivers to win three or more NASCAR Cup Series titles. But while the other nine are renowned legends, many fans claim Logano only won those championships due to the “golden horseshoe” he seemingly has stuck up his ass, lucking his way into glory his competitors should have earned instead. If Riaz is able to join the list of Epic League winners, many salty league members will complain that it’s only because he had the luck (rather, a golden horseshoe) to land the first overall draft pick via 100 Yard Rush. So, how did Footballdamus do with the top choice? Jahmyr Gibbs was the clear prize, forming a nice RB pairing with  Bucky Irving. A.J. Brown should also be a strong source of points, while DK Metcalf could produce well, but will likely be streaky. But then there are a couple of mind-bottling choices, like Dak Prescott being the third QB taken and Mark Andrews going much higher than expected. Yahoo! gave Riaz a D+, so perhaps he wasted his opportunity. Then again, Yahoo!’s projections are famously awful.

RILEY HERBST “WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?” AWARD

You can make the argument (and, in fact, I will) that Flock Around and Find Out and 23XI Racing have a lot in common. Both are being run by a multi-time champion (Ewing/Michael Jordan) and have a roster featuring one of the best performers in the entire league (Bijan Robinson/Tyler Reddick), an accomplished yet often overshadowed veteran (Keenan Allen/Bubba Wallace), and a young star who could grow to become one of the faces of their sport (Jayden Daniels/Corey Heim). They’re also attached to someone who doesn’t belong on their rosters based on talent and were only there thanks to their name. Ewing shocked the league by picking Ameer Abdullah in the fourth round, a mistake confirmed by Ewing, who claimed he accidentally sorted players by alphabetical order before making the pick. 23XI employs Riley Herbst not because of his (lack of) talent, but because his family owns a lot of gas stations and is rich. Fortunately, it seems Herbst will soon go the way of Abdullah, who was literally cut by Ewing the minute the draft ended.

SHANE VAN GISBERGEN “KICKING IT” AWARD

Rugby is considered the national sport of New Zealand, where Shane van Gisbergen is from. To celebrate every victory (AKA almost every time NASCAR goes to a road course), van Gisbergen kicks a rugby ball into the crowd. That’s pretty much the only connection between NASCAR and “kicking,” but it’s still good enough to make for the Krispy Kritters’ section. That’s because Richard stunned the entire league by picking Brandon Aubrey — a kicker — in the seventh round. That is, to put it mildly, stupidly high. Richard’s defense was that Aubrey is (in his words) the best K in the league. Richard didn’t add that Aubrey’s the K for his favorite team, but that has to be part of the reason. Hell, Richard drafted Aubrey before he even took a TE (Jake Ferguson, also a member of the Dallas Cowboys). It doesn’t matter if — between Jonathan Taylor, George Pickens, Lamar Jackson, Travis Etienne Jr., etc. — Richard actually has kind of a solid team. Aubrey is the face of his team and picking him will ultimately be the symbol of Richard’s season, for better or worse.

AUSTIN DILLON “BLIND LOYALTY” AWARD

This was originally going to be the Kyle Busch “Bugatti in a Trailer Park” award due to having one elite star among a bad team overall. But then I thought better of it — RIP Rowdy. But we can still stay with Richard Childress Racing for this award, which still goes to Mom Against the Machine. That’s because Aly, picking fourth overall, chose Josh Allen, someone she could’ve picked at least two rounds later. Yes, Allen has been one of the most productive fantasy QBs of his era. Yes, Aly has gotten a lot of points from him. But this is too much. After all, that was Aly’s strategy last year, when she finished in last place. Finishing last is something closer to Austin Dillion, a grandson of Richard Childress. As such, Dillon has a guaranteed Cup Series ride — in the No. 3 car no less — for the rest of his career. Childress loves his grandson as much as Aly loves Allen (enough to make both Ewing and Hailee Steinfeld jealous), being blindly loyal at the cost of making their own teams better. Allen might have to go god mode each week for Aly to win.

ROSS CHASTAIN “FLUKE OR PHENOM?” AWARD

Perhaps more than any other NASCAR driver, Ross Chastain has a lot of untapped potential. Clearly talented if a bit of a magnet for ire from his competitors, Chastain constantly outruns his equipment, which largely has been disappointing (in particular this season). Chastain has gotten off to good starts, only to falter late in the season. He has made a championship race, though that was due to essentially defying logic and physics in the race before. Still, what Chastain did with the Hail Melon was more likely than what Kyle Pitts did for Nick last season, enabling his own run to the Epic Bowl (which he lost, but still). Nick has mostly been good in the league, but has yet to truly take that next step up into the top tier. That will have to be done with the likes of Christian McCaffrey, Justin Jefferson, Brock Bowers, and Josh Jacobs (if the latter isn’t in jail soon). But because McCaffrey’s on his roster, the namesake of Nick’s team, Substation Truther, might end up being the biggest factor of them all. McCaffrey was healthy last year. This year? We’ll see…

DENNY HAMLIN “OLD AND UNTITLED” AWARD

Yeah, any league member with a passing knowledge of NASCAR saw this comparison coming. Denny Hamlin is the oldest driver in the current field and arguably the greatest Cup Series driver to never win the title, and at 45 years old (he turns 46 in November) he’s running out of chances to do so. Hmm… old? Never won the title? Hi, Dad! Once again, I enter a season as the only Dominguez family member to have won an Epic Bowl, despite Dad’s so-called best attempts to add his own name to the trophy. The good news for Dad in this comparison is that Hamlin currently leads the Cup Series in points and may actually be the favorite to finally win it all this year. Of course, something could happen to add to Hamlin’s heartbreak. But at least he’s in a good position. Does having Ja’Marr Chase, Ashton Jeanty, Breece Hall, Ladd McConkey, and Dad’s lover Pat Mahomes on Cabometyx (the team, not the drug) put Dad in a good position as well? Yahoo! says… maybe? Honestly, that’s not a bad position to be in, heading into Week 1.

WILLIAM BYRON “IS HE A TRUE CONTENDER?” AWARD

All things considered, Arik probably should’ve made at least one Epic Bowl at this point, or even won a championship. Alas, his third place finish last season is his best result so far. Arik has put together some solid teams in the past. However, more often than not Arik is the victim of some awful injury luck or other bad juju, so much so that he named his team the Injured Reserves. It’s kind of similar to the position William Byron finds himself in. Since taking over full-time driving in the legendary No. 24 car, Byron has been one of the better drivers in the Cup Series, winning back-to-back Daytona 500s and reaching the championship race each of the past three years. But whether through bad luck or mechanical issues or something else, Byron has yet to add to his team’s championship collection. Bryon likely won’t have a good shot this year, but Arik just might. His roster features the likes of James Cook, Omarion Hampton, Emeka Ebguka, and Drake London, which looks good on paper. We’ll have to see what happens to mess it up.

AUSTIN CINDRIC “DO SOMETHING” AWARD

The current three-man Team Penske driver lineup has won a combined four Cup Series titles. None of them have been won by Austin Cindric, the son of Penske’s former president. While he’s certainly not a bad driver, having won the 2022 Daytona 500 and made the Playoffs/Chase in multiple seasons, he’s also performed far below the bar his teammates have set. His fans keep wishing for him to do something great, while his detractors claim he’s taking a seat from a more qualified driver. While there are no “qualifications” for fantasy football (in fact, the less you know the better you’ll likely do), it remains to be seen whether Emilio can actually do something in this league. Since his return, Emilio has yet to win a playoff game and has made the postseason only half the time. While Ewing, Aly, Jimmy, and myself have been happy to take Emilio’s money, Bijan Mustard surely must be dying to hold onto it this time. Taking some risks to draft Puka Nacua (jail), Caleb Williams (dropoff), and Cam Skattebo (injury) may lead to that, or to more misery.

RYAN BLANEY “EXCELLENT FACIAL HAIR” AWARD

Look, just because I can come up with a theme for this newsletter and therefore this section, it doesn’t mean that every piece fits neatly. Sometimes, I have to take creative liberties. So, this is how the only connection between my team and Ryan Blaney comes to pass. Blaney has an absolutely spectacular mustache, while I haven’t shaved since before Nick’s wedding. Blaney is also a former Cup Series champ and one of the favorites to win it this year. Meantime, Can You Hear The Drums? is one of the favorites to finish first in the Epic League, at least on paper. Yep, after years of clowning on Yahoo!’s draft rankings, I have finally received the dreaded “A+” top grade this season. Naturally, the only kiss my perpetually single ass is getting is the kiss of death. On paper, I think I have a decent team, with Jaxon Smith-Njigba, Derrick Henry, Trey McBride, and a (hopefully) healthy Joe Burrow. But better teams on paper have failed to overcome the curse of the great draft grade before. Is a “first to worst” fall in the cards? I frantically hope not.

CHRISTOPHER BELL “SECOND PLACE” AWARD

Then again, some pieces fit nicely together. When it comes to Chriss, the jokes typically center on heartbreak. After all, the past three years have seen him lose back-to-back Epic Bowls before losing the regular season finale and being eliminated from playoff contention by about ten combined points last year. There’s no question that Chriss has been one of the top players, just also the recipient of some incredibly poor luck. It’s similar to a driver of the same name (with one fewer “s”). Christopher Bell has been one of the better drivers in the Cup Series for years, but has yet to win the title. From mechanical issues in the 2023 championship race to being excluded from the 2024 championship race due to a technicality to his current winless stretch — seven second place finishes this season with no victories — Bell has been unable to get that “turning point” first place finish to get himself over the hump. As he works to do so, so will Chest in my Hole, hoping Saquon Barkley, CeeDee Lamb, and Brock Purdy can finally make it happen.

[NOTE: Christopher Bell won the most recent race three days ago, but I don’t feel like changing Chriss’ entry. Maybe a good sign?]

CARSON HOCEVAR “ALL GAS NO BREAKS” AWARD

Kyle has a philosophy when it comes to fantasy football: offense is the only thing that matters. Forget the fact that a defense, defensive player, and kicker are required parts of your lineup . Instead of simply saving those picks for the end of the draft, Kyle opts to draft skill players he will likely cut anyway due to needing a defense, defensive player, or kicker. Simply put, it’s “all gas, no breaks,” a similar philosophy to the one Carson Hocevar takes to the track every day. Hocevar — a young driver whose reckless style has earned him the nickname “Hurricane” — sees a gap between cars and goes for it, even when the gap isn’t big enough for his own car to fit. He finally got his first win this year, so maybe the likes of Amon-Ra St. Brown, Kenneth Walker, and Jeremiah Love can help Kyle win the trophy again. Also, Kyle’s friend Cameron gets the Matt Kenseth “Filling in for a Kyle” award, though the circumstances of why Cameron had to draft for Big Beefy Boy Battalion and why Kenseth filled in for Kyle Larson are different. Speaking of…

KYLE LARSON “DEFENDING CHAMP” AWARD

Before you say anything, no, I did not pick Kyle Larson for Jimmy due to any of the racism stuff that got Larson kicked out of Chip Ganassi Racing (why Matt Kenseth had to fill in for him in the first place). No, it’s because Larson is the defending Cup Series champion, like Jimmy is the defending Epic League champion. Jimmy’s second title (the same number Larson has) came after more than a decade of him lingering in the middle-to-bottom of the standings. It seems that anytime Jimmy wins it all, it’s not as an underdog — he’s just straight up one of the best in the league, if not the best. It’s a similar story with Larson, who has been a consistently good Cup Series driver his whole career. But during his two title-winning years, Larson was clearly the best driver statistically, leaving no doubt as to whether or not he earned it. As Larson tries for title No. 3 this year, Spider 2 Y Banana will also look to go back-to-back behind the likes of Chase Brown, De’von Achane, and the crapload of WRs he drafted afterwards. Can he get it done?

Who knows? Quite frankly, none of us. Fantasy football is as unpredictable as the 49ers’ injury future. Anything can happen over these next 17 weeks, with the only certainty being that somehow, one team will be left standing. Who will that be? Well, as usual, Yahoo! thinks it knows, offering up its famously terrible preseason predictions. Remember the year it had Dad going 14-0, only for him to narrowly avoid finishing last? Those are the kind of awful, hilariously terrible in hindsight predictions we’re talking about. You can pretty much guarantee that whoever Yahoo! predicts to finish first before the season will instead have a year of pain and suffering. Anyway, for prosperity’s sake, let’s look at the poor schmuck who will be the victim of Yahoo!’s preseason prediction curse…

…REALLY?!?

STARTING & FINISHING

Before we start the season, we have to talk about how we’re going to end it, and how this one started. Trust me, it’ll make sense.

Early in our league’s history, I tried to come up with a unique way to determine draft order, which was easy given that we were all able to make it in person. But life has since gotten in the way and we now live all over California. So, in the hope of ease, I’ve just opted to let Yahoo! randomly generate the order before each draft. But I had been wanting to get back to the unique method, while still letting us stay where we are. That’s why I jumped at the chance to implement that 100-yard rush program I found online. I think it got a good reception, and it was fun knowing your position a week ahead of time. 

I want to do this sort of thing again, but I won’t reuse the same thing more than once. So I’ll try to come up with a new idea I can implement in the weeks or months leading up to the season each year. For next year, the leading theory is to have everyone take the Wonderlic test (like NFL draft prospects do) and have your scores determine the order. If you come up with a better idea, let me know!

Of course, this also leads to the most contentious debate of the year: the last place punishment. To avoid as much contention as possible, I’m going to keep things simple. I’ve gathered a list of potential punishments below:

This season, the last place finisher must…

• Eat every food consumed by the Very Hungry Caterpillar in one sitting
• Take and get an above average score on the SAT
• Complete the 24-hour IHOP challenge
• Run a lemonade stand in the winter until you make $50
• Treat the other league members to a round while wearing an “I suck at fantasy football” shirt
• Perform a comedy routine during open mic night
• Trick-or-treat during the spring until you get ten pieces of candy
• Enter a bodybuilding competition
• Play golf with a random group without bringing a ball
• Record a front-facing video listening to Pat McAfee’s entire album
• Throw the league leader in passing yards’ total while fully suited up
• Spend the entirety of next year’s draft in a dog cage
• Shave your head (if hairy) or wear a toupee for a prolonged time (if bald/balding)

I now leave this up to you all. Pick one of the above (or if another one becomes popular go ahead). Discuss amongst yourselves. You have a month. If you really want to do something fun and not just suggest ideas without backing them up, here’s your chance. If one idea gets six or more people backing it by the time of the next newsletter, that will be the punishment. If there is no consensus, we will do the lame license plate frame punishment just to get it out of the way.

One more note: I mentioned in the draft newsletter that this year’s most points prize is an AEW lucha mask themed around your favorite team. Well, it turns out that AEW has sold out of several teams’ masks, including the Raiders. Given that our league is mostly up of Raiders fans, and we have a problem. I’ll try to come up with something as a potential replacement. I am going to Vegas after all — maybe I’ll find something Raiders-themed there. Speaking of…

MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT

For a No. 1 overall pick bringing so much promise to a team filled with a mix of massive pessimists and hopeful romantics, Fernando Mendoza did pretty decently in the preseason. He looked like a rookie QB who made typical rookie QB mistakes but also made plays worthy of elite veterans. Overall, Mendoza did nothing to bring worry to Raiders fans and the future looks very bright for the eventual franchise QB.

Now please for the love of everything holy do not let him see the field again this season unless the outcome is already decided. The last thing Mendoza needs is to be thrown to the wolves, especially against some of the defenses Las Vegas will have to face. Nope, instead he needs the Aaron Rodgers treatment — sit for a year and learn from a respected veteran like Kirk Cousins (who actually looked pretty good himself). 

Apart from this, Brock Bowers continuing to truck the NFL, and Maxx Crosby’s revenge tour, there’s not really much to look forward to this year. Ashton Jeanty still has at least a year before we get really worried about him (and it’s honestly two years given the state of the offensive line). No one is expecting anything this year. Just let Mendoza get used to the NFL and Klint Kubiak implement his system and we’ll be fine. I’d honestly be okay with another season like last year. After all, the Raiders still need a No. 1 WR, or a stud prospect on the offensive line or defense. 

So, is this another lame duck year? Probably. Then why am I so much more optimistic going into this year than last year? To be fair, I had been tricked by the fool’s gold that was Pete Carroll and Geno Smith. But for the first time I can remember, the Raiders made objectively competent moves and were universally praised for their drafting and free agency signings. When the hell has that ever happened? 

Am I expecting to even compete for the playoffs? No — after all, just look at the rest of the AFC West. I don’t even expect to be mediocre. But at the very least, I expect the Silver & Black to take at least one step forward, starting Sunday against Miami. Come on now, Raiders, I can’t lose to Emilio and have the Dolphins win in the same week! 

There’s at least one other team I’d like for the Raiders to beat this season, unlikely as they are to do so. But at least that team seems to be beating themselves… 

STAT OF THE MONTH

There are terrible offseasons, there are eventful offseason, and then there’s whatever the hell the San Francisco 49ers offseason has been. Having just one of — your head coach getting into a serious car crash (which the media doesn’t report on for like a week), your top WR doing whatever the hell Brandon Aiyuk is doing on social media, your top WR prospect missing the season after coming back from being shot, one of your players getting shot at a Super Bowl party (which didn’t even make the above list), your owner get arrested on prostitution chargers, some random guy scamming women out of money by pretending to be on your team — would be the undisputed top story of the offseason. The 49ers have had every single one of these things happen to them, in addition to your now typical Niners injuries and the substation next to their practice facility becoming one of the biggest memes in the league.

Oh yeah, and literally the day I wrote this section, DT Alfred Collins was ruled out for the season after tearing his patella tendon during practice. Also, Brayden Willis was cut from the team… after flying 16 hours to Australia for Week 1. You can’t make this shit up.

Incredibly, lest we forget, none of the above was the biggest story of the season…

So, remember how an NFL head coach (who is married with kids) was found to be involved romantically with a veteran NFL reporter (also married with kids)? That was an unforgettable time, and the memes that have come from that are the stuff of legend. I was going to contribute my own piece on the subject, though in doing so I would have to compare it to the several other scandals the New England Patriots have been involved in. Then I did the math…

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS SCANDALS

It’s actually kind of insane that one team has had enough major scandals to not only come up with a full Top 10 list, but also include some honorable mentions. But what else do you expect with his shady franchise? I mean, literally a week ago today, it was found that the New England Patriots used their video board in a sneaky way to try to make opposing teams miss FGs. Who else would even think of this stuff?

HONORABLE MENTION: NOT SO CHEERFUL

In 2008, 18-year-old Caitlin Davis became the youngest cheerleader ever to make an NFL squad. Later that year, Davis was kicked off New England’s cheer squad, after pictures of her holding a sharpie while crouched over a seemingly unconscious man surfaced. On paper, that doesn’t sound too bad. But the man was covered in sharpie-drawn graffiti, which included two swastikas. Even though there was no proof Davis was behind the drawings, the optics of the photos were pretty bad, 

without even considering that Patriots owner Robert Kraft is Jewish.

HONORABLE MENTION: BOB THE PAT IS A JOHN ON CRAIG

That title might be a bit confusing, so let me break it down. In 2009, police in Rhode Island conducted a sting operation, after a new law went into effect banning indoor prostitution in the state. One of the nearly 15 people arrested in the sting was a man named Robert Sormanti, who at the time was one of the portrayers of New England’s mascot, Pat the Patriot, at home games. Sormanti was allegedly one of the johns who tried to arrange sex with a prostitute over Craigslist. He was facing a year in prison, but I couldn’t verify whether that time was served.

HONORABLE MENTION: OUT OF HIS LANE

In November 1997, the band Everclear was playing at the Paradise Rock Club in Boston. The band invited three Patriots players — QBs Drew Bledsoe and Scott Zolak and OT Max Lane — onstage, and each of them decided to exit via stage dive. That didn’t work out so well for Lane, with the lineman crashing into a female patron, who was hospitalized with neck, shoulder, and arm injuries. A lawsuit and settlement would follow. By the way, this all took place just three days before a road game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, which New England lost 27-7.

HONORABLE MENTION: A STEP TOO FAR

This one is much less harmless and more hilarious than the previous three, but it’s still worth sharing. Ahead of the Patriots’ AFC Divisional Round matchup with the Jets in 2011, receiver Wes Welker held a nine-minute press conference, during which time he made no fewer than 11 references to feet. This, of course, was an attempt to mock New York coach Rex Ryan’s reported foot fetish. Failing to toe the line may have backfired, as New England was eliminated by the Jets 28-21, with Welker, foot in mouth, apologizing for his remarks after the defeat.

HONORABLE MENTION: GENERAL SHADINESS

There are plenty of instances of spying and general cheating allegations against the Patriots, most of which we’ll get into later. But in general, all of those have created paranoia among New England’s opponents. Patriots staff have been accused of rifling through trash cans in visitors’ hotel and locker rooms for information, and opposing teams have gone as far as to stack piles of equipment in front of doors to block Patriots employees from sneaking in. While these remain just accusations, teams wouldn’t take these extreme steps if there wasn’t any truth involved.

10. FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

For example: our first “gate” incident of this list. This one dates back to the 2015 NFL season-opener, in which the Patriots beat the visiting Pittsburgh Steelers 28-21. Afterwards, Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin said that throughout much of the first half — during which New England outscored Pittsburgh, who largely looked out-of-sync, 14-3 — his team’s headsets were picking up the Patriots’ local radio broadcast instead of their own signals. The league did look into the accusations and later said the problems was due to power infrastructure issues at Gillette Stadium, which were made worse by bad weather. Patriots head coach Bill Belichick said his team had issues as well, and at one point was considering switching QB helmets. Ultimately, “HeadsetGate” was largely left to the history books, despite the fact that in the aftermath, Tomin also noted that the Steelers always had communication system issues when visiting New England. In addition, other teams had reported headset problems while at Gillette Stadium. 

9. SIDELINE CHILI

You knew this list would include an entry about the Patriots inappropriately filming another team. But this isn’t it — rather, this entry is an incident many fans don’t remember. In 2019, a freelance videographer hired by New England was caught filming the Bengals sideline from the press box during a game between Cincinnati and the Browns. The videographer had been credentialed by Cleveland to shoot video for a Patriots web series called “Do Your Job” on an advance scout for the team. However, he didn’t get permission from the Bengals, whose security team reported the footage (which showed about eight minutes of sideline activity, including play calling). New England acknowledged what happened, calling it an “unintended oversight.” While some asked how the 10-3 Patriots would benefit from filming the 1-12 Bengals before their matchup (which New England won 34-13), memories of the previous Patriots filming incident (which will be covered) left a sour taste. Ultimately, the Patriots were fined $1.1M and a 3rd round draft pick. 

8. THE BRADY-BRIDGET SPLIT

Taking a break from the football-specific scandals, we now go to the greatest player in Patriots history leaving his pregnant girlfriend. To be fair, Bridget Moynahan didn’t realize she was pregnant with Tom Brady’s child until after the two had split. However, given the nature of the break-up and Brady’s quick rebound with Gisele Bundchen, fans were quick to jump on Brady for the break-up. Now, I don’t know how well Brady and Moynahan have worked to raise their son in the years that have followed, nor do I care to find out. But given Brady’s split with Bundchen whilst contemplating (and ultimately returning from) retirement and the general nature of anything family-related from Brady, there’s enough to question. Plus, the fact that Moynahan named their son in a way that his initials spell out “JET” is at minimum hilariously coincidental and at worst incredibly petty. Either way, headlines were generated. It doesn’t help that the birth happened in 2007, while Brady was dealing with another Jet-related controversy (more on that later).

7. SNOWPLOW SHENANIGANS

I’ve written about this incident a few times, but in case you don’t remember or can’t be bothered to look it up: in 1982, the Patriots defeated the Miami Dolphins 3-0 in extremely controversial fashion. The game was played in a snowstorm, and a snowplow was used to clear away snow from the hash marks. With less than five minutes left in a scoreless game, New England had a shot at a 33-yard FG, with the ball near the left hash. So, Patriots head coach Ron Meyer told snowplow operator Mark Henderson, a convict on work release, to find a way to clear the snow away. As Henderson was clearing the hash marks, he veered to the left — directly to where the Patriots had the ball — clearing the snow in the process. With clean footing, K John Smith was able to make the decisive FG. The Dolphins were pissed, but were told by then-commissioner Pete Rozelle that there wasn’t a rule against it, so there was nothing he could do. A rule was made shortly after, and New England’s first major cheating moment is now part of NFL history.

6. BILLY AND THE JETS

Some may say this entry is too high, or doesn’t even qualify as a Patriots scandal. I disagree with both. For starters, Bill Belichick’s shocking resignation after just one day as head coach of the New York Jets ended with him accepting the job in New England. By default, the Patriots are involved as the main reason why he resigned in the first place. That’s also not to mention the fact that Belichick’s predecessor, Bill Parcells, had taken the job after leaving the same position in New England. Also, while this story is well known, I don’t think it’s talked about or rated highly enough. An NFL head coach resigned after just one day in charge to take a job with a rival team. That is objectively insane. It may have been just lumped in with the typical “LOL Jets” shenanigans over the past quarter-century, but that shouldn’t take away from its impact. Lest we forget, New York was competently run in the 2000’s, even beating New England in the playoffs. Tipping the scales like Belichick’s decision did have a massive impact on NFL history.

[NUMBER REDACTED OUT OF RESPECT FOR JAYDEN DANIELS] LOVE-KRAFTIAN HORROR

Turns out, that Pat the Patriot portrayer was ahead of his time! Ten years after the Patriots’ mascot was charged with solicitation, team owner Robert Kraft was among 25 people charged in a prostitution sting at a day spa in Fort Lauderdale. Aside from the mental image of Kraft in such a position with those workers, the fact that an NFL owner was involved in something like this was a (white?) stain on the league. The charges were eventually dropped, but only after video of Kraft at the massage parlor, obtained by investigators, was ruled inadmissible at trial. Throw in the later revelations of Kraft’s friendship with Jeffrey Epstein (who had recommended the lawyers Kraft used for the case), and the New England owner’s reputation has forever been tarnished. This scandal had a major impact on another football league: ours. For some reason, I was compelled to name my team Orchids of Asia, after the day spa involved in the scandal. I then went on to win the Epic League for the first time. So thanks for giving me a hand with that.

4. LETTING THE AIR OUT

Ah, DeflateGate, the most dragged-out, overrated, underrated, headline-dominant, insufferable sports-related scandal I can remember. I’ll try to simplify what happened, which is tough — I mean, look at the length of the Wikipedia page. Tom Brady was accused of ordering Patriots staffers to intentionally deflate several footballs ahead of the 2014 AFC title game, which New England won 45-7 against the Indianapolis Colts. There was a smashed cell phone, incorrect referee allegations, and deleted NFL data. In the end, after a process that reached the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Second District, Brady was suspended for the first four games of the 2016 NFL season. It was a huge scandal, but also one that got so big and complicated that it created a belief among some (especially Patriots fans) that the NFL was trying to find a way to punish Brady and the team. It created an “us vs. them” mentality, which may have motivated New England to win the Super Bowl that season (the Atlanta Falcons choking also helped).

3. AARON HERNANDEZ

Yeah, no puns or jokes in this entry. Aaron Hernandez overcame a rough childhood to become a star at Florida before forming a seemingly unstoppable TE partnership with Rob Grownkowski on the Patriots. But his demons followed him everywhere he went, with multiple violent incidents and run-ins with the law in Gainesville, New England, and beyond. Then in 2013, Hernandez was arrested and charged with murder for the shooting death of a friend, Odin Lloyd. Hernandez was released by the Patriots shortly afterwards, and two years later, he was found guilty of the murder in the first degree, which in Massachusetts carries an automatic sentence of life in prison without parole. While in prison, he was also indicted for a double homicide that took place in Boston back in 2012. When it comes to that case, Hernandez was eventually acquitted of their murders and most of their charges in 2017. However, just five days later, Hernandez was found dead in his cell of suspected suicide at only 27 years old. He was posthumously diagnosed with CTE.

2. I SPY

Ah, the original insane, all-encompassing controversy surrounding the Brady/Belichick Patriots. After New England’s 38-14 win over the Jets to kick off the 2007 season, New York head coach Eric Mangini — the Patriots’ former defensive coordinator — accused his old head coach, Bill Belichick, of ordering his staff to film the Jets’ offensive signals from the field, an attempt to circumvent the NFL’s rules. Belichick admitted the order, but claimed he had misunderstood the rules and thought they could film as instructed. As a result, Belichick was fined $500K, while New England was fined $250K and stripped of its 1st round draft pick in the 2008 NFL Draft. But despite the relatively swift ending, the drama lingered long after, largely because of the Mangini-Belichick relationship and because the Patriots would go on to post the NFL’s first ever 16-0 regular season. The scandal, which became known as SpyGate, overshadowed everything New England did and was the reason why the Patriots dynasty has an air of illegal activity around it.

1. THE VRABEL RUSSINI AFFAIR

Part of me feels like this is a bit of recency bias, especially because this doesn’t involve any on-field activity. Then again, this is the only entry on this list that touches on a major part of the sports industry: journalism. As a journalist, you’re expected to be unbiased in your reporting so people can trust what you’re telling them as the unvarnished truth. In this current era of social media and podcasts and whatnot, that line has been blurred. What allegedly happened between Patriots coach Mike Vrabel and now-former journalist Dianna Russini steps so drastically over that line that it puts everything the latter has reported about New England and other teams into question (with this context, a lot of comments Russini made are being seen in a whole new light). Then there’s the whole, you know, affair thing, with the personal lives and marriages of both families potentially ruined or at best thrown into chaos. As much as Vrabel and the Patriots keep trying to sweep this under the rug, we haven’t heard the last of this latest scandal.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On September 9, 2018, Mother Nature turned a seemingly inconspicuous contest between the Miami Dolphins and Tennessee Titans into a game for the history books. Going into the 2018 season, both teams were looking to build upon previous playoff success. In 2016, the Dolphins reached the playoffs under first year head coach Adam Gase thanks to a 9-2 run to end the season, though they lost Ryan Tannehill to a sprained ACL. Unfortunately, Tannehill would miss the entire 2017 season with another ACL injury — a tear this time — as Miami finished just 6-10 and traded Jay Ajayi to the eventual Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles. Meanwhile, the Titans finished 2017 with a second straight 9-7 record. This was good enough for a playoff berth, as Marcus Mariota caught his own pass for TD in a Wild Card rally over the Kansas City Chiefs in the final pre-Pat Mahomes season. However, this was not enough to save Mike Mularkey’s job, as he was fired and replaced as head coach by Mike Vrabel. That wasn’t the only big change made ahead of the 2018 season, as Tennessee introduced brand new uniforms, complete with blue helmets. Vrabel — a former Patriot — brought in a couple of fellow ex-New England players, namely Malcolm Butler and Dion Lewis. The new era of Titans football would begin in Miami, which had also changed up their uniform/logo (tweaking the orange a bit). Tannehill would be making his first start in nearly two years and would have a new target to throw to, as the Dolphins also signed ex-Patriots player Danny Amendola. But while both teams were hoping for a sunny future, the clouds above Hard Rock Stadium would steal the show.

The game began innocently enough as a low-scoring affair, with a TD from Tannehill to Kenny Stills and FG by Ryan Succop seeing the Dolphins ahead 7-3 in the 2nd quarter. But as the Titans tried to mount one last drive before halftime, a flash in the sky brought everything to a half. Lightning had struck, putting the game in an immediate delay. Although these kinds of delays end relatively quickly, this one went on for just under two hours. With other morning slate games ending, both teams took the field for the final 1:11 of the half. Even though they had waited for almost two hours, they still had to take the halftime break. Then, with more than six minutes remaining in the 3rd quarter, it happened again — another nearby lightning strike sparked another delay. This one lasted even longer at just over two hours. During this time, players tried to do what they could to stay focused, from watching tape to using exercise equipment. Others listened to music or got some nutrition, with at least one locker room reportedly running out of snacks. In total the two lightning delays lasted a combined three hours, 59 minutes — longer than the entire rest of the game (including the halftime break). When the game finally resumed, most simply wanted it to end — especially the Titans, who had lost Mariota, Taylor Lewan, and Delanie Walker to injury. But with Miami now up 10-3 thanks to a Jason Sanders FG, a game that couldn’t end would conclude in a way no one would forget. 

Just two plays into the 4th quarter, Lewis plunged into the end zone to tie the game at 10-10. It would stay that way for all of 13 seconds, as Jakeem Grant returned the ensuing kickoff 102 yards for a TD to put Miami up 17-10. Then, after the Titans were forced to punt, Tannehill hit Kenny Stills for a 75-yard bomb to increase the lead to 24-10. Just when the Dolphins thought they could breathe, Darius Jennings took back the ensuing kickoff 94 yards for his own TD to make it 24-17. All of this happened in a snap of less than five minutes, by the way, waking up what little was left of the crowd at that point. As if dual 4th quarter kickoff return TDs weren’t enough, both teams would trade INTs on the next two drives. Miami would at least turn their turnover into points, with another Sanders FG pushing the lead to 27-17. After a turnover on downs and a Dolphins punt, Blaine Gabbert would lead a late rally attempt, with a Succop FG making it a one-score game with 11 seconds left. But the Titans couldn’t recover the ensuing onside kick, as Miami took a knee, won 27-20, and — at long last — the clock hit 0:00. From kickoff to final whistle, the game lasted a whopping seven hours, ten minutes. A new record had been set: the longest game (total time) in NFL history, shattering the previous mark of five hours, 13 minutes set by the Chicago Bears and Baltimore Ravens five years earlier. Some afternoon kickoff games had already ended and Sunday Night Football was close to kickoff. For some perspective, the following month, Game 3 of the 2018 World Series (eventually won by the Boston Red Sox, in case you forgot) would go 18 innings and last seven hours, 20 minutes — just ten minutes longer than this game between the Titans and Dolphins.

Both teams would get off to promising starts to the 2018 season — 3-0 and 3-1 — before coming back down to earth. Tennessee would finish 9-7, missing out on the playoffs with a loss to the Indianapolis Colts in the final regular season game of Andrew Luck’s career. Meanwhile, despite giving their fans an all-time moment in the Miracle at Miami multiple-lateral win over New England, the Dolphins lost their final three games to finish 7-9. 2018 would be the last season in Miami for both Gase (who was replaced by Brian Flores) and Tannehill. The latter would be traded before the 2019 season, which the Dolphins spent in the infamous “Tank for Tua” mode, which both failed and worked at the same time. Coincidentally, the team Tannehill was traded to would be the Titans, serving as Mariota’s backup to start 2019. Then, in Week 6, Tannehill took over for an injured Mariota, leading Tennessee to another 9-7 finish. Like in 2017, this was enough for a playoff berth, which Tannehill (not to mention now-full time starter Derrick Henry) turned into a surprise run to the AFC title game. Tannehill would be named NFL Comeback POY and supplant Mariota (who would leave for the Las Vegas Raiders in the offseason) as the Titans’ starter. Tannehill would stay in Tennessee until the end of the 2023 season, which would also be the last for Vrabel. In 2025 (the same year Tannehill retired from the NFL), Vrabel rejoined the Patriots, this time as head coach. Vrabel would lead New England to a berth in Super Bowl LX and has had a pretty quiet offseason since then, staying out of the headlines. 

OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:
— 2021: Tom Brady becomes the first player in NFL history to start 300 regular season games, as the Tampa Bay Buccaneers outlast the Dallas Cowboys in a wild 31-29 shootout

— 2010: The defending Super Bowl champion New Orleans Saints win another close one against the Minnesota Vikings 14-9 in a rematch of the previous season’s NFC title game

— 2004: Mike Vanderjagt misses a late FG to tie the game (after taunting the opposition), as the Indianapolis Colts fall to the defending Super Bowl champion New England Patriots 27-24

— 1960: The Denver Broncos defeat the Boston Patriots 13-10 in the first game in the history of the American Football League, which would merge with the NFL several years later

A DRIVE THROUGH HISTORY, PART 1

In addition to making NASCAR the season-long theme, I’m also providing a peek behind the curtain as to why I have developed a curious fascination with NASCAR. In revealing so, I’m also going to take a multi-part look back at NASCAR history, trying to both educate you all on a sport you may not be familiar with and share some genuinely incredible sports stories. For example: the race that put NASCAR on the map, and the many different, specific things that had to go right for it to happen.

While many sports can trace their origins through the evolution of some kind of child’s game, military exercise, or otherwise traditional activity, other sports have more unconventional beginnings. Basketball was created as a way to keep students busy during gym class on rainy days. Skateboarding was invented by surfers looking to practice their craft on days the oceans were calm. Pickleball was accidentally born when a couple of friends couldn’t find a complete badminton set and had to use mismatched equipment. But for my money, no sport or governing body has a more interesting beginning than stock car racing and NASCAR.

Unlike other popular auto racing classes — like the open-wheel series of Formula One and IndyCar, which have always seen teams compete with cars built and customized specifically for racing — stock car racing’s name comes from using production models, cars available to the general public. While the cars today’s NASCAR drivers use have little to do with actual production models other than name and vague shape, back in the day drivers were only allowed to use production models, which were of course suped up. But why were there so many modified production cars to begin with? 

From the 1920’s to the early 1930’s, Prohibition banned the sale of alcohol across the country, though that didn’t mean people didn’t want their fix. The bootleg alcohol industry was huge, with people smuggling in booze from Canada and the Caribbean. In order to be able to outrun the authorities, moonshine runners had to upgrade their cars while keeping them as ordinary-looking as normal to avoid suspicion. These drivers gained particular fame in the south, specifically in and around the Appalachia area. When Prohibition was repealed in 1933, there was still some running to be done, but a lot of the reason for the running had dried up. With drivers having little reason to go pedal to the metal, they decided to organize races to see whose cars were the fastest out of pure pride. In the 1940’s competitions began to spring up, though there was little organization or uniformity when it came to rules at various tracks. 

As this was all unfolding, something else was happening a bit further south. In the early stages of land speed record attempts, Europe (namely France, Belgium, and the United Kingdom) was a popular location for speedsters, who were seeking long stretches of flat, dry surfaces. But in the 1920’s, the scene began to shift to the United States, specifically to Daytona Beach, Florida. From 1927-1935, eight new land speed records were set on the beaches of Daytona, which quickly gained a reputation as the home of all things speed. When land speed record attempts moved to the Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah (where they remain today), officials in Daytona were determined to keep their reputation, propping up the Daytona Beach and Road Course as a popular place for drivers to compete. Indeed, some of those old bootleggers made their way down to Daytona, though many of the same problems remained for both sides. 

Enter Bill France Sr., an auto worker who moved his family from Washington, D.C. to Daytona in 1935 to escape the Great Depression. France took over running the Daytona course in 1938 and spent several years both promoting and competing in events at the track. Most stock car racing stopped during World War II, though once the fighting ended and things picked back up, many of the same problems persisted, with drivers often getting shafted by unscrupulous track owners and the sport as a whole being held back by a lack of an organized and uniform competition. So, in December of 1947, France invited the most prominent drivers, mechanics, and car owners to Daytona for a series of talks. Those discussions would end on February 21, 1948, with the formation of NASCAR (National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing, LLC), the first ever governing body of stock car racing, with multiple classes of competition. The top level of competition, known today as the NASCAR Cup Series, didn’t begin until the following year due to needing to wait for the supply of stock cars to replenish in the aftermath of the war. 

While the formation of NASCAR had brought some much-needed consistency to the stock car racing, there were still a few rough patches to get through. From just eight races in 1949 and 18 in 1950 to regularly in the 50s later on (including a record 62 races in 1964), seasons varied in size and sometimes drivers who couldn’t afford to make all of the races suffered in the points standings. Some of the tracks themselves weren’t exactly uniform, most of them on dirt and many of them varying in terms of length, shape, and danger for the drivers. Still, things eventually settled and the sport began to evolve, with great action and rivalries becoming the stuff of legend and cars from the era (such as the iconic Hudson Hornet) becoming folklore for modern fans. NASCAR also began to produce their own racing icons, such as Junior Johnson, Bobby Isaac, Buck Baker, Ned Jarrett, “Fireball” Roberts, Benny Parsons, and David Pearson. In 1959, Lee Petty became the first driver to win three NASCAR championships, though it would be his son who would make a larger mark on the sport. 

When the debate over the greatest NASCAR driver is brought up, one of the first two names people often bring up is Richard Petty. He’s known as “The King,” and for good reason — his name is written at the top of the NASCAR record books. While I’ll go more into those records in the next entry, Petty’s two most notable achievements are likely winning the most races in NASCAR’s top division and winning the most overall NASCAR championships. The first of those came in 1964, the second in 1967 and, thanks to his toughness and incredible consistency, Petty won four more in five seasons from 1971-75. But in the few years since, Petty’s streak had been supplanted by another. The next three NASCAR titles were all won by Cale Yarborough, who became the first ever driver to go back-to-back-to-back. Although Petty had finished second in two of those seasons, a disappointing (by his standards) sixth place finish in 1978 where he didn’t win at all had some wondering if Yarborough could make a run at Petty’s championship record, while chipping away at another mark held by The King.

While NASCAR was still in its early years, its regional popularity was growing rapidly. At some point, it became apparent that the old wooden stands along dirt tracks would soon be outdated. Nowhere was that more apparent than Daytona, where crowds were swelling and beachfront property was getting more expensive. In 1953, France proposed a permanent track to be built, a 2.5-mile superspeedway. Construction began in 1956 and by the time the 1959 season rolled around, the behemoth Daytona International Speedway was set to host its first event, an early season race that would become known as the Daytona 500. Given Daytona’s history and significance when it comes to NASCAR, stock car racing, and speed in general, the event (held at the start of the NASCAR schedule) has since grown into the most important single race in NASCAR, with the highest purse, biggest media attention, and most prestige. Even drivers who have won a championship are often left disappointed if they never win a Daytona 500. 

Thus, we come to the 1979 Daytona 500, the start of the 1979 NASCAR season (now known as the Winston Cup Series) and the real start of our story. In addition to holding the record for most championships (six) at the time, Petty had also won the most Daytona 500s with five. Though Yarborough had won the three most recent championships, he had only won two Daytona 500s, and he was hoping to climb a bit closer to Petty in the standings for each of them. But Petty and Yarborough were far from the only two threats to win the race. A young driver with a car almost as fast as his mouth, Darrell Waltrip had finished 3rd in 1978 and was looking for both his first title and first Daytona 500 win. Bobby Allison was the defending Daytona 500 winner and had finished runner-up to Yarborough in the standings in 1978, looking to take that final step towards his first championship. Also in the field was Bobby’s brother and fellow “Alabama Gang” member Donnie Allison, as well as Parsons, who was still threatening both Petty and Yarborough in the standings. Buddy Baker might’ve been the favorite going in, having won the pole and the qualifier going into the weekend. This race also saw the inclusion of that year’s rookie class, whose cast included future champions Bill Elliott (much more on him next time) and Terry Labonte, as well as Geoff Bodine, Harry Gant, and another driver we’ll come back to shortly.

As exciting as all of those storylines sounded and as stacked as that field was, few outside of the South truly knew about it. While NASCAR had grown in many ways over the past 30 years, it was still mainly based and seen in its home region, and had little fanfare nationally. During this time, only the NFL and MLB had mass appeal (the NBA was still on tape delay), and many other sports were relegated to highlights on ABC’s Wide World of Sports. The likes of tennis and golf dwarfed NASCAR in popularity nationwide, with little chance for stock car racing to show itself off to a larger audience. That, however, was about to change.

The 1979 Daytona 500 would be the first ever NASCAR race to be broadcast live “flag to flag” on national TV, thanks to a new deal with CBS. It was a hard sell on both sides — executives at CBS were worried about the national appeal of a sport like stock car racing, while France was worried that a large TV audience could hurt the Daytona 500’s typically sensational ticket sales. However, a deal was eventually struck, thanks in large part to Ken Squier, a sportscaster from Vermont who had worked with NASCAR before and bridged the gap between the two sides. It didn’t hurt that Squier brought Waltrip along to help seal the deal. But even though it would be broadcast nationwide, would viewers across the country even watch it? To that end, NASCAR caught a monumental break. The day of the race saw a massive winter storm that stretched across the East Coast and Midwest, leaving millions of people with nothing to do but stay at home and watch TV. The weather luck also applied to Daytona, which saw an oncoming storm completely clear up just before the race. So, with some of the greatest NASCAR drivers ever competing in stock car racing’s marquee event, viewers tuned in to see Squier call the action from the birthplace of speed. No one would forget what they saw.  

For as legendary as this race has become, the start was pretty boring. While the rain had stopped, the track was still damp, forcing the first 15 of the 200 laps to be run under green and yellow flag conditions to allow it to dry (and unintentionally leading to Waltrip losing a cylinder due to a critical engine component being worn down). But once the green flag dropped on lap 16, the action picked up, with Donnie Allison going inside and passing Baker for the lead. The lead would shortly be rotated among the likes of Parsons, Yarborough, and Bobby Allison. Around lap 30, the trio of Yarborough and the Allison brothers were fighting for the lead when Bobby got loose and Donnie got a bit too low. The two collided, spinning out and catching Yarborough in the mess. All three spilled into the infield grass, which was soaked from the rain. As a result, all three would have to be pushed back into the infield and lose laps. Meantime, the race went under caution once again, remaining so until lap 41. However, during the caution, Baker would be forced to drop out of the race due to ignition problems. With the perceived favorite now eliminated, the race seemed truly up for grabs. 

Once the green flag is waved, Neil Bonnett and A.J. Foyt (a four-time winner of the Indianapolis 500) proceeded to duel for the lead. But then something happens that no one could’ve expected. A rookie driver who at the time was in the No. 2 car passes both of them and proceeds to take the lead. In total, he led ten laps on the day and finished in eighth place. It was a fantastic start for his first race at NASCAR’s top level, let alone at the Daytona 500. What no one could have predicted was that this was just the beginning of one of the most legendary careers in auto racing history, as well as one of the greatest battles between a driver and a track we’ve ever seen. But for now, it’s just the first of many moments for a young Dale Earnhardt.

On lap 53, a six-car crash eliminated the likes of Pearson, while Bonnett eventually blew a tire and spun in traffic. This allowed a previously left for dead Donnie Allison to get back on the lead lap. Allison kept advancing through traffic thanks to some more crashes, eventually retaking the lead just over halfway through the race. As Allison fights off Foyt, Petty, Waltrip, and the others, Yarborough begins to claw his way back into the race, taking advantage of cautions to move up the field. By the time lap 178 rolls around, Allison uses a fantastic pit stop to take the lead outright, though Yarborough has also done his work and slips behind him for second. With the likes of Petty and Waltrip half a lap behind, the rest of the race becomes a duel between Allison’s No. 1 and Yarborough’s No. 11 cars. Over the next 22 laps, Yarborough waits patiently for an opening to pass Allison, who manages to hold onto the lead, trying to win and have the Allison brothers go back-to-back at Daytona. 

As the white flag waves and the race enters its final lap, it’s now or never — Yarborough has to make a move. Yarborough gets a good run off Turn 2 and goes inside to attempt the pass. Allison crowds him to the inside, but Yarborough manages to straighten out. Allison makes contact with Yarborough, forcing him into the infield. Yarborough loses control, drifts back up, and slams into Allison. The No. 1 and No. 11 bounce off each other before slamming into one another again — this time the momentum takes both cars to the outside, where they slam into the wall and then drift into the infield. Just like that, both of the top two cars are out of the race. 

The broadcast scrambles to find the rest of the field, which is back on Turn 1, where Petty has just passed Waltrip and Foyt to take third place. But because of the wreck half a lap ahead of him, Petty has suddenly gone from third to first. The cameras finally manage to catch the field as they head for Turn 4, Petty out in front and Waltrip trying desperately to get in front of him. Waltrip made one last move to the inside, but to no avail, as Petty’s No. 43 car crossed the finish line to win the Daytona 500 for a sixth time. Waltrip finished second by just one car length, while Foyt nabbed third and Allison and Yarborough ended fourth and fifth, respectively. 

As the crowd roared with happiness, Petty eventually found his way onto pit road, where his crew piled onto his car as he drove to victory lane. But suddenly, the feed cut to the Goodyear blimp camera, which was picking up something happening in the infield. Bobby Allison had reached the wreck in an effort to make sure his brother was okay and offer him a ride back to the garage. However, Yarborough, who blamed Bobby for his defeat due to the earlier wreck, struck him with his helmet. Enraged, Bobby jumped out of his car and struck Yarborough, who managed to knock Bobby to the ground. But Donnie had arrived to help his brother, turning the brawl into a two-on-one contest. The melee lasted about 16 seconds and was broadcast by the CBS cameras. It was also captured perfectly by Squier, with his call going down in NASCAR history (you can watch a replay of the last lap and aftermath here).

“And there’s a fight between Cale Yarborough and Donnie Allison! The tempers, overflowing. They’re angry. They know they have lost, and what a bitter defeat.”

To recap: in the first ever live lap-to-lap nationwide broadcast of a NASCAR race, viewers got to see a fantastic race that saw 36 lead changes, a last lap battle and wreck, another triumph by the sport’s greatest driver, and a bare knuckle fistfight between three drivers. Despite (or perhaps due to) their hesitancy over how the national audience would take to NASCAR, CBS reportedly expected an audience of between two-three million. As it turns out, the 1979 Daytona 500 had an estimated 15-16 million viewers, absolutely shattering any preconceived notions. The race drew a TV rating of 10.5 (meaning that more than 10% of all TVs in the system were tuned into the action), a record for the Daytona 500 that would last until 2002. Coincidentally, that would be the year FOX took over from CBS as the broadcaster for the Daytona 500. The photos of what happened — especially the brawl between Yarborough and the Allison brothers — even made the front page of the New York Times.

While the Daytona 500 proved to be one of the more eventful and consequential races in NASCAR history, it was also just the beginning of the 1979 season. Incredibly, despite being fined $6,000 each for their actions, both Yarborough and Donnie Allison would wreck each other again the following week. Bobby Allison would rebound strongly, finishing in the Top 2 of the five post-Daytona races, winning two of them and taking the points lead. After Earnhardt scored the first win of his career, Waltrip and Petty got back in the win column, with the former race being the last for Pearson in the iconic No. 21 Wood Brothers car. Allison and Yarborough (the latter somewhat controversially) got the next two wins before Bonnett got a victory in Pearson’s old car. Bonnett would get another win a few weeks later, though despite the efforts of him and Allison, two wins from Waltrip had given him the points lead at the halfway mark.

That lead would only grow in the weeks to come, with Waltrip up by about 200 points after the 18th of 31 races. However, the following week saw an ill-timed pit stop right before a rain stoppage. Waltrip dropped five spots (the equivalent of 19 points) in the race finish as a result. That race would see Earnhardt break his collarbone and miss several weeks, with Pearson of all people replacing him in the No. 2 car (Earnhardt would still go on to win Rookie of the Year). The next three races went Waltrip-Petty-Waltrip, with Waltrip’s points lead at a whopping 160 over Petty with nine races left and then 187 with seven races to go. However, a bad wreck by Waltrip and a win by Petty took more than 100 points off the deficit. The choke was on from there, as Petty whittled down the lead before surpassing Waltrip with a win in the third-to-last race. Waltrip fought back, winning the penultimate race to take the lead back. It all came down to the final race, which included a photo shoot between Petty and Waltrip’s crews using actual pistols. In the final duel of the year, it would be Waltrip who blinked first, spinning out to avoid another car. That put Waltrip a lap down, which he couldn’t make up as Petty earned his record-extending seventh NASCAR title by just 11 points.

Petty would get one more Daytona 500 triumph in 1981, bringing the final total to seven, the same as his astounding championship tally. That tally seemed unapproachable, though one driver would take his first step towards equaling the mark in 1980. In just his second year in NASCAR’s top division, Earnhardt would win his first title. Waltrip would finally get the monkey off his back in 1981, winning three titles in a five-year stretch (broken up by Labonte and Bobby Allison). Baker would redeem himself by winning the 1980 Daytona 500, while Bobby Allison got another in 1982 and Yarborough won two more in 1983-84 (Donnie Allison would never end up winning the Great American Race). But that would prove to be the last gasp of the old guard, as only Petty and Waltrip would remain racing through the late 1980’s and early 1990’s, during which time Earnhardt went from the blue and yellow No. 2 to the black No. 3, became the Intimidator, and began his reign atop the auto racing world.

Going back to the 1979 Daytona 500, CBS certainly liked what they saw. Viewers did, too, with CBS being inundated with calls from people wondering what they had just seen and when and where they could watch the next race. Thus, a lengthy partnership was struck and more NASCAR races were broadcast on CBS, as well as other networks like ABC and ESPN. Squier would be there through it all, becoming the first great voice (and arguably the greatest voice) of NASCAR. As NASCAR’s audience grew throughout the 1980’s and into the 1990’s, so did its popularity. In fact, in some parts of the 90’s, you could make the argument that NASCAR was one of the most popular (if not the most) in the entire country. At the peak of its powers in the 90’s, NASCAR would give us many iconic moments, including arguably the greatest, most story-filled, most incredible end to a season in its history. But that’s for another time.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

SPIDER 2 Y BANANA VS. CHEST IN MY HOLE

There’s an old phrase that goes like “I feel like a man dying of thirst watching another man drown.” That’s gotta be how Chriss feels towards Jimmy. After two Epic Bowl losses, Chriss barely missed the playoffs and watched Jimmy waltz his way to a second title. While Jimmy picked last this year, the Spider 2 Y Banana roster — Justin Herbert, Chase Brown, De’Von Achane — gives him a solid chance of going back-to-back. Chriss wants just one, and Chest In My Hole needs Brock Purdy, CeeDee Lamb, and Saquon Barkley to do well to stop him.

SUBSTATION TRUTHER VS. FLOCK AROUND AND FIND OUT

Another multi-time Epic Bowl loser, Nick is also hoping for a strong start to redemption. He’s even gone as far as to go full electric — Substation Truther — and roll out Christian McCaffrey. But can he avoid the ironic injury bug that has plagued so many 49ers, McCaffrey included? Flock Around and Find Out has some of its own injury concerns, not to mention worries over whether Jayden Daniels can recover his pre-injury form. But honestly the biggest thing Ewing will struggle with as a new father of two is sleep. At least he won’t be the only one on that front…

MOM AGAINST THE MACHINE VS. THE INJURED RESERVES

Fresh off bringing Baby No. 2 into the world, Aly now goes back to her main fantasy squeeze, Josh Allen, whose franchise is fresh off bringing a new stadium into the world. Fortunately, Rhett has gotten a warmer reception than Highmark Stadium. Still, Mom Against the Machine is dealing with several injury concerns. That being said, frankly, my dear, Arik doesn’t give a damn. He was so plagued by injuries last season that he named his team The Injured Reserves. Arik is hoping old age is kind to Matthew Stafford and James Cook avoids injuries of his own. 

CABOMETYX VS. SPIDER 2 Y BANANA

Completing our trilogy of medical-themed matchup previews, as of this writing, literally half of Cabometyx’s roster is dealing with some kind of injury. I haven’t seen this much red since… holy crap was I about to make a joke about the state of Dad’s battle with cancer? Let’s just move on. Injury worries aside, I can’t properly preview this matchup, and it’s thanks to Big Beefy Boy Battalion. As of this writing, Kyle’s totally phenomenal draft strategy means he still doesn’t have a K or defensive player. Weirdly though, he does have a defense: the Raiders. WHAT!?!? 

CAN YOU HEAR THE DRUMS? VS. BIJAN MUSTARD

Let me get this straight — in addition to Can You Hear The Drums? receiving the dreaded Yahoo! vote of confidence, I also have to deal with another recent trend. Over the past three years, Aly has won the league, finished first in the regular season (losing in the first round), and finished last. I have done the first two and am now terrified of completing the third. Emilio can put the first nail in my coffin with an early win, which would come with a spirited effort from the Williams’ (Caleb and Kyren), not to mention the return of Cam Skattebo to Bijan Mustard.

FOOTBALLDAMUS VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS

Speaking of recent seasons, two years ago, Richard finished at the bottom of the standings, while Riaz made his way to the playoffs. Last year, Riaz narrowly avoided his own last place finish, while Richard made it into the postseason. Having recently experienced both sides of the coin, both Footballdamus and the Krispy Kritters are hoping to get a head start on a return to the playoffs while avoiding heading to the tail end of the standings. Both teams have potentially explosive offenses, but are dealing with injury concerns. Also, both of their names start with “R.”

ONE LAST THING

In the movie Shanghai Noon, the quote “that which you have promised you must perform” is said multiple times. It’s that movie’s version of saying that you’d better keep your promise, and given that I love that movie and try not to lie if I can avoid it, I take it to heart. In my job, you’re not allowed to tease a story that’s not in your show — you can’t lie to the viewers. All of this is to say that whenever I tell you I’m going to do something, whether it be for the league or the newsletter. If I say something will be in it, it’s going in there. On very rare occasions, I end up breaking that promise, though I provide an explanation. Still, even if it’s a perfectly valid and accepted explanation, I don’t like to abandon an idea or a project.

So imagine me telling you that a segment I had planned for this newsletter — one I had promised multiple times and even jokingly hyped up to be something like a magnum opus of sorts — is not ever going to be finished, and I’m thrilled about it. Well, you don’t have to imagine it, because I’m actually telling you. Right now. As you’re reading this. Do I need to continue this elaborate setup?

That segment in question is a dive into who’s more responsible for the vast majority of my sports fandom misery — which team has caused me more pain as a fan, the Sacramento Kings or Las Vegas Raiders? As many of you are also Kings and Raiders fans, you know that’s not an easy question to answer. Both teams are gargantuan pits of awfulness deeper than the Mariana Trench, littered with moments of positivity and success like my life is littered with women who have been sexually attracted to me. This was going to be a deep dive into each team’s pathetic history since I’ve been a fan of them, sifting through the worst losses, draft picks, trades, front office decisions, embarrassing moments, and other factors related to those teams sucking and their rival teams succeeding, using a points-based system. I had already written a good chunk of it, and after I published the draft newsletter my goal was to have it ready by today, ahead of both the upcoming Raiders and Kings seasons. But that is not going to happen, and my already completed work will remain unpublished forever. Probably.

So, why have I decided to call it quits on this project? You may think it’s because I don’t want to relive and thoroughly examine every bad thing the Raiders and Kings have done since I’ve been a fan of them. I’m not going to lie, that was a factor. I hadn’t yet gotten to the section covering heartbreak and was dreading writing about the 2002 NBA Western Conference Finals and Derek Carr breaking his leg in 2016. Overall, my mental health is going to be better (not good, but better) without having to do any of that. 

But really, I’m not doing it anymore because I figured out the answer. I hadn’t when I started the project and was going to just use the final points tally as my personal conclusion. Instead, the answer kind of just came to me one day. I looked back at everything I had already written and looked at what I had yet to cover and figured that all of the work would just come up with the same result.

The team that caused me the most pain and misery as a fan is in fact: the Sacramento Kings.

This conclusion came from multiple ways of thinking. In what I had already completed, the  screw-ups centered on the Kings pained me to write about more than the Raiders’. What I had left to write seemed to be more painful when focused on the Kings. I also made a realization: no matter what happened before, I would somehow find it easier to get myself hyped up and even (at times) optimistic for the Raiders each season than the Kings. The Kings’ prolonged awfulness/mediocrity is generally worse and more prolonged than that of the Raiders. The positives tended to last shorter as well. Those positives might’ve been (at least on paper) higher than that of the Raiders, but they’re also linked to one of the most controversial, heartbreaking, and infamous moments in American sports history. 

Some of this has to do with the nature of basketball compared to the nature of football. But much of it also has to do with the fact that I’m proud of being from Sacramento and thus extremely prideful of the only major pro sports team to call my city home. So, anything that happens to them means more than what happens to other teams. Throw in the whole general perception of Sacramento by the national sports media, and I get extra pissed off at all of the negativity surrounding the Kings. This isn’t as relevant to the Raiders, as while I did become a fan in part due to their proximity, I mostly did so because of the Silver & Black mystique. Whatever local connection there was severed due to the team’s move to Las Vegas and wasn’t strong enough for the move to be a dealbreaker, as it would’ve for the Kings a decade ago.

The events of this past offseason also had a bit to do with it. The Raiders spent their time not in the playoffs actually getting better and doing smart things (at least on paper) like hiring a young and promising coaching prospect, drafting the potential franchise QB, and generally making smart roster moves. The Kings, meanwhile, did have a solid draft. But that also followed the third consecutive season in which a former star player or player they could’ve drafted appeared in the NBA Finals and preceded much ridicule by the media and a former trainer suing the team for discriminating against pregnant women (my favorite basketball player of all-time being named in the suit as an alleged sexual harasser). Ultimately, it just reinforced everything I had been feeling, and rather than doing all of that work to most likely get to that same conclusion, I just called it quits. I only have so much of my sanity left, after all. I need to preserve it. After all, I’m about to watch another season of Raiders football! 

And on that note, FOOTBALL IS BACK!!!

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 & 2024 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness