Ruben's Writings

Fantasy football is weird, particularly in the sense that we have some sort of Pavlovian expectation for things to go terribly wrong. Sports in general is full of upsets, but on the digital gridiron, people expect the unexpected. That’s why, when everything goes exactly as it should, people get freaked out.

Take the Epic League for example. Over the past two seasons, the No. 1 seed has lost in the first round of the playoffs. In fact, it’s happened nearly half of the time. So naturally, we probably expected some chaos. Instead, each of the top four seeds advanced to the semi-finals for just the second time in league history. While this mean’s we’re probably set for some fantastic finishes in the later rounds, it’s also left us with something we’re not used to seeing: chalk.

Anyway, this convoluted reasoning is an excuse enough to pull this theme out of my ass.

No one else probably remembers this, but ChalkZone was one of my favorite Nickelodeon shows as a kid. It centers around a kid named Rudy, his friend Penny, and his cartoon friend Snap as they have adventures in ChalkZone, a realm where everything is made up of chalk. The episodic problems and solutions come from Rudy’s magic chalk, which turns anything he draws to life. To this day, I think it’s a unique concept for a show which doesn’t take itself too seriously, has some genuinely funny moments, and features some catchy as hell songs. It often gets bogged down by some of the more well-known and longer-lasting Nick shows, but ChalkZone can certainly hold a candle (or in this case a piece of chalk) to any other as a solid, fun option for kids to tune into every weekend.

You know what, coming up with a unique theme each week is pretty fucking tough. Just shut up and enjoy the damn newsletter

(cue theme music)

QUARTER-FINAL RECAP

1. 49ERS DEF. 8. THREE EYED RAVENS

141.14 – 81.60

I’m afraid, Three Eyed Ravens, that the 49ers battle station is fully operational. Much like the real life niners, Gee’s guys responded from a tough loss with an incredible offensive performance. Unlike that shootout in the Superdome, Gee didn’t have to worry about defense, even though the Vikings (13 points) did well. The star of the show was the TD and INT machine, Jameis Wintson (37 points), who nearly matched half of Ewing’s total by himself. Throw on a cherry picked performance by Ezekiel Elliott (21 points) and an incredible day from Younghoe Koo (20 points), and Gee had more than enough to take down Ewing. In fact, both Elliott and Koo alone matched Ewing’s MVP/only player worth a damn, Lamar Jackson (20 points). Apart from Jaylon Smith, no one in Ewing’s lineup even scored more than ten points. John Brown, Jamison Crowder, Mike Gesicki, and James Washington in particular were disappointing. The end result is everything the thought would happen: the best team moves on and the one-man band is done playing.

4. DARTH RAIDER DEF. 5. FOOTBALLDAMUS

132.34 – 67.24

Almost as big of an ass whooping was the matchup that, based on seeding, should’ve been the closest of the quarter-finals. Instead, Darth Raider choked the life out of Footballdamus. The keys to Arik’s success might’ve hurt him in real life — especially Ryan Tannehill (29 points) and his evisceration of the Raiders defense — but I think he’ll take it. Tack on Austin Ekeler (27 points) and Robert Woods (18 points) and Arik was in the clear, although Riez has shown to be potent on offense in the past. The points were simply not there this time, a perfect ending to Riez’s have or have not season (more on that later). Only three players finished in double digits for Riez, and only one of them — Todd Gurley (17 points) — even got above ten points. Riez got just as many players to finish with fewer than three points as those with two digits in their total. One of those was the Saints defense, which got destroyed in the aforementioned scoring bonanza against San Francisco. Even if New Orleans had shown up, it wouldn’t have saved Riez. 

2. GOOD HOME COOKIN DEF. 7. DIXIE NORMOUS

116.96 – 85.76

Unlike the first two matchups, this one was one by the team whose QB DIDN’T go off for a shit ton of points. Although Jimmy G (29 points) did work for Dixie Normous, it was Good Home COOKin, led by Dak Prescott (17 points), who easily took home the win. Nick was afflicted by a similar disease as Ewing: his QB was the only one who did anything. Mike Williams, Dan Bailey, and Devin Singletary were the only other players to get into double digits, and I’m starting to run out of ways to say the guy with only one good player got his ass kicked by a superior team. For real, the first three matchups are pretty much the same. In this case, Kyle (shocker) had the better overall roster. Guys like DeAndre Hopkins (19 points), Jared Cook (18 points), Melvin Gordon (14 points), and Dalvin Cook (13 points) provided more than enough support to make up for Prescott and other holes in the lineup (like the Eagles defense). In the end, Nick’s downfall was the very thing he struggled with all season: scoring more points than an average team.

3. ORCHIDS OF ASIA DEF. 6. GRUDEN GRINDERS

110.98 – 93.30

I wasn’t worried about this one bit. Nope. No sweat whatsoever. It’s not like when Aaron Jones (25 points) got an early TD and Deshaun Watson and the Texans got destroyed in the 1st half against the Broncos, Gruden Grinders was projected to beat Orchids of Asia by 30 points. But then, some unusual things began to happen. Aaron Rodgers and the non-Jones Packers offense simply stopped doing anything productive. Christian McCaffrey (13 points) overcame the Panthers and did a little something. George Kittle (13 points) went beast mode on any poor Saints that tried to tackle him. Most importantly, Watson (30 points) finally woke up in the 2nd half. Despite nice days from Calvin Ridley (13 points) and Tremaine Edwards (14 points), Jimmy was suddenly in the review mirror. While Jimmy lost Josh Jacobs due to injury, Julian Edelman (16 points) gave me as many points as the real life Patriots scored. It was a stunning turnaround, one which I’m now terrified used up all of my good luck I had gathered during this season.

IN MEMORIAM

THREE EYED RAVENS (EWING)

No one man is an island, and no one player can bring about fantasy football success. It takes a team effort, which makes it amazing Three Eyed Ravens couldn’t use their Game of Thrones future-seeing powers to either avoid their doomed fantasy fate or the disappointment the final season of the HBO show provided for its loyal fans. Of course, the team’s true king was Lamar Jackson, who dropped points aplenty throughout the year. Unfortunately, those amazing games were usually wasted by a weak roster. While Ewing may seek praise for drafting Jackson as a steal in the 8th round, let’s see who he picked with those prior seven selections. In order: Juju Smith-Schuster (disappointing), Adam Thielen (got hurt), Marlon Mack (got hurt), Baker Mayfield (yikes), Jordan Howard (very good or very bad, often the latter), John Brown (good), and Jared Cook (mediocre but got good after Ewing dropped him). That’s a terrible batting average, let alone draft success rate. Ewing might’ve had the best shitty team, but it’s still a shitty team.  

DIXIE NORMOUS (NICK)

Dixie Normous scored the fewest points in the league, fewer than the last place team and the team whose lineup literally could not be changed. This review could end here, but Nick somehow managed to overcome this scoring impotence and actually make the goddamn playoffs — and not just as the final seed. I can’t even bitch about this that much, because I unfortunately was one of Nick’s six wins on the season in a game. In fact, only two of Nick’s wins came when he scored over 100 points, which were also the only two times he hit triple digits all season. Nick never finished with anywhere between 100 and 126 points, which honestly is really weird. He was either less terrible than the competition, got blown out, or randomly destroyed his opponent. The third option was selected much less frequently than Nick desired, but a combination of out of nowhere wins and other teams fucking up got him into the postseason. Unfortunately for Nick, that’s where the unexpected journey ended. Given how the scoring worked out, I think he’ll take it.

GRUDEN GRINDERS (JIMMY)

Through the first third of the season, Gruden Grinders seemed much more of a lock for last place than a playoff berth. But after four straight losses without hitting triple digits, Jimmy finally got a big win. It was around this time he pulled Taylor’s pants down and trade raped him, making off with Aaron Rodgers, Josh Jacobs, and Calvin Ridley in exchange for Adrian Peterson, Tyrell Williams, Devonta Freeman, and Tyler Boyd. Unsurprisingly, Jimmy soon had a four-game winning streak on his hands. But although he had chances to right the ship, Jimmy never quite got on a good foot, never being above .500 once all season. With an over-reliance on Packers and Raiders, Jimmy was in the driver’s seat when both offenses flew. But combine some of Green Bay’s recent struggles with Oakland’s complete free fall (more on that later, unfortunately) and Jimmy just lost his edge at the end of the season. While his moves were savvy, they couldn’t make up for a poor start and almost as poor finish to a disappointing year for Jimmy.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (RIEZ)

The season started innocently enough for Footballdamus, with a 109-point total and a nice win. Then Riez’s season began to fluctuate, alternating wins and losses before Week 7. That’s when he went on a four-game losing streak. Dropping from a solid spot in the standings to seemingly out of contention. From Weeks 2-10, Riez did not score more than 99 points, with his last two efforts not even breaking the 75-point plane. But then, just when his season seemed to have slipped away, Riez broke out, hitting triple digits in each of the last three weeks (all wins) to not only make the playoffs, but finish within a game or so from being in the top half of the standings. Naturally, when Riez seemed to have one of the hottest teams in the league, he got blown the fuck out in the quarter-finals after putting up his second-lowest point total of the year. How do you honestly attempt to figure out a team like that? I’m not sure whether or not Riez is happy with his season, but for the sake of his sanity, he has to be a little relieved it’s finally over.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Here’s a riddle: how long does it take to exterminate any and all hope for a team’s postseason chances? The answer: seven minutes and 24 seconds.

With 5:36 left in the 3rd quarter, Derrick Henry gave the Tennessee Titans a 28-21 lead over the Oakland Raiders. After an Oakland three-and-out, Tennessee drove 84 yards in nine plays, the last one a 17-yard Jonnu Smith TD catch. Two plays into the Raiders’ next drive, Darren Waller fumbled the ball, which was picked up by Jayon Brown and returned to the end zone. In less than half a quarter (or an eighth for you math majors), a close 21-21 game had turned into a 42-21 laughter. In that same time, Oakland went from a having some playoff hope to being doomed to another wasted season. Amazing, isn’t it?

Sure, Josh Jacobs was a late scratch from a somewhat depleted lineup. But even so, the Raiders offense lacked any sense of potency in the second half. Is Jon Gruden even trying to make any 2nd half adjustments? I’m not one to typically defend the defense (which got ripped the fuck apart by Henry and Ryan Tannehill), but even then there’s only so much they can do. Tyrell Williams is clearly not a No. 1 WR. While he wasn’t signed to be the top guy, there’s a point where you simply have to catch the damn ball. 

But the belle of this barf ball was Derek Carr. I have defended Carr for years, despite the mediocre play. But this game was the straw which broke the camel’s back. With the season essentially on the line, throwing the ball away on 4th down is not how you come through in the clutch. It saddens me to think of how good Carr could’ve been if he hadn’t broken his leg in 2016. Ever since, he’s been a shell of himself. Sure, you can point to his stellar accuracy and efficiency as positives. But Derek Carr can no longer win a game for the team — he can only fuck it up. Carr is nothing more than a glorified game manager at this point, someone not worth all of this money. Get Mike Glennon the fuck out of here, keep Nathan Peterman for the lols, and draft someone like Jalen Hurts or Justin Herbert in the 2nd or 3rd round (after taking Ceedee Lamb or Jerry Jeudy in the 1st round). It’s time to to think about the future, one where we trade in our old, once great car for something without wasted potential that we can be proud to drive…

… I think I need to turn my Volvo in and get a new car.

Anyway, back to the Raiders, who are as close to fucked without the actual insertion. Don’t worry, the blue balls will be over next week. Unless Oakland wins out and Tennessee, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and pretty much every other Wild Card contender lose out, the Raiders will once again miss the playoffs. Even if the impossible happens, the Raiders will at best get the second Wild Card spot, meaning no home playoff games. This means Sunday’s game against the Jacksonville Jaguars will be the last home game of the season. 

This is important for one pretty big reason…

… yeah, the Raiders are going to Vegas next year. So after all of the decades of history, winning, and legendary moments, the final game for the Raiders as the Oakland Raiders, the last contest the Silver and Black will play in the East Bay, will be a random day game against the goddamn Jags. That’s a crying shame. Oakland deserves better than this. The fans deserve better than this. Even though it’s their fault, the Raiders deserve better than this, especially after all of the incredibly history the city and team have been through.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 21 RAIDERS MOMENTS IN OAKLAND

No matter where they’ve played, the Raiders have found themselves making NFL history. For the purposes of this list, we’ll be focusing on those moments which took place on Oakland soil, both before and after the move to Los Angeles. There was only one other requirement for these moments to make the list. In the words of Al Davis, “Just win, baby!”HONORABLE MENTION: TAILGATING

I’m not sure what the tailgating situation will be in Vegas, but I guarantee it won’t be anything like it was in Oakland. The parking lot at a Raiders game is the only place you could find the best Mexican food and hot dogs, get into a life-or-death street fight, and make friends over drugs. There is no “chill” at Raiders tailgates. Raider Nation goes hard, and it always will. HONORABLE MENTION: THE BLACK HOLE

Then, you get inside the Coliseum, where you’re greeted by anything ranging from spiked monsters to Darth Vader to Pinhead to a blinged out gorilla. At the center of it all: the Black Hole, a wretched hive of scum and villainy that would make Mos Eisley blush. Only the most hardcore and insane Raiders fans dare to venture into those seats There’s nothing in sports like it.  

21. THE ALMOST LAST GAME

If last year would’ve been the finale in Oakland, it would’ve been a hell of a better farewell. Taking on the rival Denver Broncos on Monday Night on Christmas Eve, the Raiders put forth one of the few bright spots of the season, jumping out to a 17-0 lead en route to a 27-14 win. The highlight was Dwayne Harris turning a bonehead move into a 99-yard punt return for the opening score. The win also gave Denver its first back-to-back losing seasons since 1971-72. All things considered, a Broncos beating In a holiday prime time game would’ve been a nice goodbye.

20. BEAST MODE COMES HOME

Perhaps no single player has represented Oakland like Marshawn Lynch. So when the Oaktown native came out of retirement in 2017, it seemed perfect for him to put on the Silver and Black. 

In one of the most hyped home openers ever, Beast Mode had a TD in a 45-20 Raiders win over the New York Jets. The offensive explosion made Lynch feel so good, he busted a few moves on the sidelines for the cameras to see. The Raiders had reason to be happy, as the victory left them 2-0 for the first time since 2002. Let’s not talk about how the rest of the season went.

19. COMEBACK TAKES FLIGHT

In 1997, the Raiders were close to suffering a bad loss to the woeful New York Jets, who had come into Oakland and grabbed a 20-3 lead. But with time running out in the 3rd quarter, the Raiders finally came alive. A 45-yard strike to Tim Brown and a short rush by Zack Crockett cut the deficit to just three points, but the Jets kicked a FG to go up 23-17 with less than two minutes remaining. But Oakland was undeterred, as Rich Gannon drove the team downfield and hit James Jett in the end zone with 26 seconds left, giving the Raiders a 24-23 comeback victory.

18. WOODSON OWNS MCNAIR

When Rod Woodson made Oakland the final stop of his HOF career, he quickly proved that he clearly still had it. Taking on the Tennessee Titans early in the 2002 season, Woodson apparently wore light blue and white in the eyes of Steve McNair. Woodson picked off McNair a career high three times, taking one of them 82 yards the other way for a TD. Woodson’s amazing defensive performance helped the Raiders cruise to a 52-25 win over the Titans in a what would be a sign of things to come in that season’s AFC Championship Game (more on that later).

17 LIGHTING THE TORCH

When the Raiders hosted the Cleveland Browns in 2011, it was one of the most emotional home games in team history. The week prior, longtime team owner and NFL icon Al Davis had passed away. At the first game in Oakland since his death, the team unveiled the Al Davis Torch, which would be lit by a former player/coach/figure before each future home game. The first to do it was, naturally, John Madden. The Raiders would complete the occasion by beating the Browns 24-17, but QB Jason Campbell was injured, paving the way for the infamous Carson Palmer trade.

16. NAPOLEON CONQUERS DENVER

No one expected the Raiders to spring the upset when the then-undefeated, eventual Super Bowl champion Denver Broncos came to Oakland in 1997. But the Raiders did indeed shock the NFL with a 28-25 victory. The game-winning score was an 83-yard TD by Napoleon Kaufman, which was just part of a record-setting day by the RB. Kaufman absolutely tore through the Broncos on the ground, rushing for 227 yards, breaking the all-time franchise mark set by Bo Jackson during his famous Monday Night performance ten years earlier. Kaufman’s total still stands today.

15. SHOOTOUT WITH HOUSTON

The first of two games on this list played at Frank Youell Field, this 1963 Oakland Raiders-Houston Oilers is tied for the fourth-highest scoring game in NFL history. I went into detail about the Raiders’ 52-49 triumph in an earlier newsletter, but this game was part of arguably the most important season in Raiders history. After finishing with a 1-13 record the year before, Oakland brought in Al Davis to be coach/GM, a move which transformed the team. In addition to changing the Raiders’ colors to Silver and Black, Davis turned around the team and put up a 10-4 record.

14. CHARGED IN THE 4TH QUARTER

Two of those wins came against the eventual AFL champions (and Davis’ former team). After a close 34-33 Raiders win in San Diego, the Chargers came into Oakland looking for revenge. They appeared well on their way, holding a 27-10 lead going into the 4th quarter. But then the Raiders exploded. The defense forced two turnovers and contributed to a muffed Chargers punt. Oakland’s offense took advantage, scoring 31 points in the final frame to secure a 41-27 win. It was the first in what would be many legendary comeback wins in Raiders history.

13. A WILD THURSDAY NIGHT

This 2017 Thursday Night matchup between rivals turned into one of the craziest endings I’ve ever seen. In a back-and-forth battle which saw two long Amari Cooper TDs and Marshawn Lynch ejected for shoving an official, the Oakland Raiders were down 30-24 with seconds left, but had the ball just outside the Kansas City Chiefs’ end zone. The Raiders then won the game, lost the game, and lost the game again, each play being called back due to penalties. Oakland finally pulled out the 31-30 win with a Michael Crabtree TD on the second untimed down of the drive.

12. MACK ATTACK

The Oakland Raiders have been terrible for most of my fandom, except for one glorious season in 2016. Perhaps the most amazing game that year was a wild win over the Carolina Panthers. In a contest which saw the Raiders give up a huge lead before pulling out a late 35-32 victory, the biggest plays were made by Khalil Mack. After picking off Cam Newton for a TD at the end of the first half, Mack sealed the game with a strip sack on the Panthers’ final drive. The win not only solidified Mack’s DPOY campaign, but clinched the Raiders’ first winning season since 2002.

11. BACK IN THE PLAYOFFS

In 2000, the Oakland Raiders finally returned to the NFL’s elite. In a year which saw the team draft both Sebastian Janikowski and Shane Lechler, the Raiders went 12-4, made the playoffs for the first time since their return to Oakland, and won their first AFC West title since 1990. In the first postseason contest in Oakland in 20 years, the Raiders dominated the Miami Dolphins 27-0. Tory James started the game off with a 90-yard pick six, sparking the rout. The Dolphins never troubled the Raiders after that, with the home crowd finally enjoying a playoff win again.

10. RAIDER RETURN

Of course, this isn’t the first time the Raiders have left Oakland. After playing in Los Angeles for more than a decade, the Raiders returned to Oakland in 1995. Throngs of long-waiting fans packed the Coliseum to see their beloved Silver and Black, and the Raiders responded. In a perfect day for football, Tim Brown caught the first TD in the East Bay since the early 80’s and the Oakland defense was stellar in a 17-7 win over the San Diego Chargers. It was a long time coming — the Chargers were also the last team the Raiders played in Oakland before moving.

9. WOODSON WAVES GOODBYE

2015 was the last year for Raiders great Charles Woodson, who had a hell of a final season. Woodson made the Pro Bowl, finally intercepted Peyton Manning, and helped lead an upset of the eventual Super Bowl champions. But the most memorable moment was Woodson’s last game in Oakland, a thrilling 23-20 OT win over the San Diego Chargers on Christmas Eve. After the final whistle, Woodson addressed the Coliseum crowd, giving a farewell speech and leading a “RRRRAAAAAAAAAIIIIDDDDDEEEEERRRSS” chant that would make our group text proud.

8. THE FIRST TITLE

Five years after finishing 1-13, the Raiders claimed the first championship in franchise history. Having ended up second in the Western Division for three of the past four seasons, the Raiders finally broke through in 1967 thanks to the additions of Daryle Lamonica, Gene Upshaw, Willie Brown, and George Blanda. The Raiders went 13-1 and got to host the AFL title game, sending the Oakland crowd into a frenzy by whooping the Houston Oilers 40-7. While they would lose Super Bowl II, that AFL title meant the Raiders had finally arrived in football’s spotlight.

7. STEEL RESOLVE IN SEASON OPENER

Going into the 1976 season, the Oakland knew if they wanted to finally get over the hump, they had to go through the two-time champion Pittsburgh Steelers. But in the very first game of the year, the Raiders found themselves trailing the Steelers 28-14 with just over five minutes to play. But a Franco Harris fumble and blocked punt led to a Dave Casper catch and Ken Stabler run that tied the game. Then, a Terry Bradshaw INT gave way to Fred Steinfort’s game-winning FG, capping a 31-28 victory that set the tone for the season (more on that later).

6. PRESENT MEETS PAST IN THE PLAYOFFS

The 1980 Raiders won the franchise’s second Super Bowl, but they had to get through several figures who helped bring home Lombardi Trophy for the first time. In the Wild Card game, the Raiders welcomed icons Ken Stabler, Dave Casper, and Jack Tatum back to Oakland as members of the Houston Oilers. It wasn’t a warm welcome, as the Raiders easily won 27-7. Lester Hayes had two sacks and two INTs, the last one a pick six to seal the game. This seminal victory would also be the last playoff game in Oakland until the aforementioned 2000 game.

5. LONE LOSS AVENGED

The 1976 Oakland Raiders were one of the best teams in NFL history, with only one blemish on their record. That was a random 48-17 beatdown by the New England Patriots, who were the Raiders’ first opponents in the playoffs. With New England up 21-10 in the 4th quarter, it seemed history would repeat itself. But after a quick TD, a missed Patriots FG, and a not controversial at all roughing the passer call on Ray Hamilton, Ken Stabler scrambled into the end zone for the winning TD with 13 seconds left. Oakland had somehow won 24-21 and avenged its only loss.

4. LAST PLAYOFF WIN

Behold, the most recent playoff win in Raiders history. At least it was a good one, being that it sent Oakland to the Super Bowl and everything. In a rematch of the earlier Rod Woodson 3-INT game, the Tennessee Titans actually were leading 17-14 just before halftime. But then the Raiders went full Raiders (when that was a good thing), as Rich Gannon lit up the Titans to lift Oakland to a 41-24 win in the 2002 AFC Championship Game. The Raiders have not won a playoff game since and have only appeared in one after that season. Looks like it’s time to drink.

3. FINALLY GETTING PAST PITTSBURGH

For years, the Pittsburgh Steelers had tormented the Raiders, single-handedly preventing them from reaching several Super Bowls. But that came to an end in 1976, when Oakland finally got over the hump. Ken Stabler torched the Steel Curtain and the Raiders defense dominated a Pittsburgh offense missing Franco Harris and Rocky Bleier, propelling Oakland to a 24-7 win for the first AFC title in franchise history. The Raiders would go on to claim their first Lombardi Trophy a couple of weeks later, triumphantly completing a years-long struggle.

2. SEA OF HANDS

The 1974 playoff game between the Raiders and the two-time defending Super Bowl champion Miami Dolphins was billed as a clash of titans, which lived up to the hype. Down 19-14 with less than five minutes left, Cliff Branch gave Oakland the lead with a 72-yard score. But after a Miami TD, Ken Stabler led the Raiders on a last gasp drive. With seconds left and a defender dragging him down, Stabler threw the ball into a “sea of hands” in the end zone. Clarence Davis somehow fought off several Dolphins and came down with the ball, giving Oakland a 28-26 win.

1. THE HEIDI GAME

Much more than just an iconic Raiders moment, the Heidi Game is a landmark moment in sports broadcasting. The New York Jets had just kicked off to Oakland, having taken a 32-29 lead with about a minute remaining. But because the game ran long, NBC switched to show the TV film Heidi, which was scheduled to air at precisely 7 p.m. ET. 1958 was definitely a different time. But it’s not like the audience missed much, just the Raiders scoring two late TDs to pull off a stunning 43-32 victory. Thanks to some Raider magic, televised football was forever changed.

STAT OF THE WEEK

The Buffalo Bills are going to kick the shit out of the Houston Texans in the Wild Card game. 

NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN

Remember when the New England Patriots got embarrassed by the Kansas City Chiefs in 2014? After that ass whooping at Arrowhead Stadium, everyone thought New England was done and all Bill Belichick wanted to focus on was the Patriots’ next game: a home contest against the Bengals. In short, they were on to Cincinnati. New England would set the Jungle on fire, destroying the Bengals en route to winning another goddamn Super Bowl.

Five years later, history is showing signs of repeating itself. The Patriots looked like shit against the Chiefs, this time at home. Everyone thinks New England’s dynasty is finally over. The next opponent: the Bengals, this time on the road. Tom Brady seems to be echoing that same prevailing thought: the Patriots are on to Cincinnati.

But this time, it seems Cincinnati is on to the Patriots.

In a nutshell, the Bengals spotted a Patriots employee videotaping the Cincinnati sidelines during their game against the Cleveland Browns. New England quickly put out a statement saying this was part of a video series called “Do Your Job” focusing on scouts and behind-the-scenes personnel and totally not cheating at all. But then Tuesday came a new report…

I mean… that’s pretty damning. Even if the purpose was to shoot for the video series, there could easily be a second, more nefarious purpose. Naturally, this is all bringing back memories of the infamous Spygate, when the Patriots were caught videotaping the New York Jets sidelines during Week 1 of the 2007 season. What doesn’t make sense about this incident, as the case was with Spygate, was that it came against a terrible team. The Jets went 4-12 in 2007, while the Bengals are currently 1-12. How is New England getting caught doing this shit by the worst teams in football, and why the hell to they feel the need to try and get an advantage against the worst teams in football? They are literally the Patriots. They can often just show up and win.

While the fallout surrounding this incident will continue in the coming weeks, one thing is clear: the Patriots are cheaters. You can (accurately) call me a hater, but is there any other team with this kind of controversy in this amount of volume? We can’t forget Deflategate from a few years ago, which took place in another season where New England went on to win the Super Bowl. There have been dynasties throughout NFL history, from the 60’s Packers and 70’s Steelers to the 80’s 49ers and 90’s Cowboys. But there’s never been actual, documented cheating like this with those teams of the past. Those teams, like the Patriots, also had plenty of haters. Angry Patriots fans I’m sure are calling all of this overblown and dismissing everything as conspiracy theories made up by people mad at their “winning.” Come to think about it, it’s almost like another group of people who blindly support a controversial figure embroidered in a cheating scandal and think any media not sucking the dick of their dear leader are pot smoking lunatics. I think I realize why Robert Kraft and Tom Brady are Trump supporters…

By the way, the whole Patriots cheating thing started way before most people realize.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On December 12, 1982, the first major cheating controversy involving the New England Patriots took place. The Patriots were hosting the Miami Dolphins in some of the worst conditions that have ever impacted a football game. Heavy rains had soaked the AstroTurf surface at Schaefer Stadium, which had frozen over during the night. A snowstorm hitting during the game didn’t exactly improve things. As a result of all of the frozen water, an emergency rule was put into play where the officials could allow the grounds crew to use a snowplow to clear the yard markers. Despite this, the field couldn’t be plowed fast enough for the ground to clear. All of this made if damn near impossible to move the ball, as evident by the Patriots and Dolphins not scoring a single point until 4:45 left in the game. That’s when New England coach Ron Meyer decided to try a FG attempt. But before John Smith could attempt the kick, Meyer motioned for snowplow operator Mark Henderson to clear a spot on the field for him. As Henderson went to clear the yard markers, he veered left, creating enough of a clear spot for Matt Cavanaugh to hold the ball and Smith to put the 33-yard FG through the uprights. It would be the only score in a 3-0 New England win. Dolphins coach Don Shula, naturally pissed about what happened, filed a protest to the league to have the result overturned. While commissioner Pete Rozelle agreed that the snowplow had given the Patriots an unfair advantage, he wouldn’t overturn a game result. But, the NFL did implement a rule that no snowplows would be allowed on the field during a game. The cherry on top of all this was Henderson (who was awarded a game ball for his efforts) being a convicted felon who was out on work release at the time. When asked about his potential punishment, Henderson joked, “What are they gonna do, throw me in jail?” Miami would get their revenge, beating New England in the playoffs en route to an appearance in Super Bowl XVII. Of course, this wasn’t the only controversial game involving the Patriots, snow, and a game-winning FG. But any mention of that cursed event by non-Oakland Raiders fans will result in a ban from the league.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2015 — The Paris Agreement, relating to U.N. Framework Convention on Climate Change, is adopted.
• 2000 — The Supreme Court releases its decision in Bush v. Gore.
• 1965 — Gale Sayers has the best game of his career, tying the NFL record with six TDs in a 61-20 win over the San Francisco 49ers.
• 1950 — Paula Ackerman, the first woman appointed to perform rabbinical functions in the U.S., leads the congregation in her first service.
• 1941 —  Hungary and Romania declare war on the U.S., the U.K. declares war on Bulgaria, and India declares war on Japan in World War II.
• 1937 — The Washington Redskins defeat the Chicago Bears 28-21 to win the NFL Championship Game.
• 1930 — MLB rules that a ball that bounces over the outfield fence is no longer a HR, but a double, creating the ground rule double.
• 1901 — Guglielmo Marconi receives the first transatlantic radio signal (the letter “S” [***] in Morse Code).
• 1862 — In the Civil War, the USS Cairo sinks on the Yazoo River, becoming the first armored ship to be sunk by a controlled mine.
• 1787 — Pennsylvania becomes the second state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1970 — Jennifer Connelly, actress and all-time smokeshow.
• 1967 — John Randle, HOF DT and all-time football personality.
• 1966 — Royce Gracie, UFC HOFer, pioneer martial artist, and winner of UFC 1.
• 1962 — Mike Golic, former NFL DE and ESPN personality.
• 1949 — Bill Nighy, award-winning actor best known as Billy Mack in Love Actually, Davy Jones in the Pirates of the Caribbean series, and various roles in the Three Flavours Cornetto trilogy.
• 1932 — Bob Pettit, HOF center/power forward, recipient of the first NBA MVP award, and the first player to score 20,000 points in NBA history.
• 1923 — Bob Barker, iconic game show host best known as the face of The Price is Right from 1972-2007 and for kicking Happy Gilmore’s ass.
• 1915 — Frank Sinatra, legendary singer/actor.

DEATHS:

• 2017 — Ed Lee, politician and Mayor of San Francisco.
• 2014 — Norman Bridwell, author/cartoonist who created the Clifford the Big Red Dog series.
• 2006 — Peter Boyle, actor best known as Marvin Lucas in The Candidate, the monster in Young Frankenstein, and Frank Barone in Everybody Loves Raymond.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Ding-a-Ling Day! This day serves as a reminder to call that old friend, family member, co-worker, etc. you haven’t spoken to in a while, and is not about, you know, about the thing you’re thinking about. Come on, don’t be dicks about it.

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

WORLD AXE THROWING CHAMPIONSHIP WRAPS UP

MARANA, Ariz. — It’s a sport sweeping the globe — axe throwing.

Now, the world championships came to Marana.

It was standing room only as Splitting Timbers Axe Range hosted the world event from their space at the Tucson Premium Outlets. It’s the first year the range has been open — run by mother-daughter duo AJ Hughes and Bee Buckmaster.

“At first she told me I was crazy,” said AJ Hughes, co-owner of Splitting Timbers Axe Range. “Well yeah, but we do crazy really well together,” said Bee Buckmaster, co-owner of Splitting Timbers Axe Range.

The two call this the “Super Bowl” of axe throwing, bringing people from at least five countries to Marana. They said their shop beat out around 250 applicants wanting to host.

“We are women, so we always go a little extra,” Buckmaster said.

READ MORE

I’m pretty sure you’re legally required to have a beard to compete in these games.

Also, you probably thought I’d go with Banana Guy. But no. Fuck Banana Guy.

CAN IT WITH THE COMMERCIALS

There is one good holiday commercial on air right now (apart from the classic Corona Christmas palm tree light spot) is the NFL shop one featuring a bunch of people wearing a bunch of teams’ clothes. On its own, it’s very basic and not good. But what makes it so much better is that it’s a re-cut version of the “The Champ is Here” commercial featuring an incredibly annoying chant-like tune. I hate it so much I’m not even linking it in the section. Thankfully, it seems to be gone

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But like I said, it’s the one good thing about holiday commercials. Not only are they annoying in the sense that we see them every goddamn break, but many of them are also stupid and don’t make any sense. There are three types of holiday commercials: ones that are annoying, ones that tug on the heartstrings too much, and ones which don’t make sense once you think about them. All are made even more unbearable by us seeing them every five minutes. The Champ is Here is an example of the first case, but there are some other notable ones this year.

Apple’s holiday commercial, “The Surprise,” is an emotional one. It shows a pair of young girls using the new iPad to make a surprise video for their recently widowed grandpa. This is by far the objectively best commercial I’ll be talking about, but there are definitely some problems. The first is how this promotes a lazy style of parenting. Are the kids fighting? Give them the iPad. Are they bored? Give them the iPad. Don’t feel like doing work and want the easy way out with raising your kids? Give them the iPad. I mean shit, the kids even seek out old technology, which of course becomes driving force behind their creation. Also, the video itself sucked. I know they’re kids, so I shouldn’t expect Academy Award-winning content. But come on, do better than that. Still, the video gets the job done with making people emotional. However, that emotion gradually goes down the shitter with every repeat. We know how the story ends. The impact is lost.

Then, we have GMC’s “One for Me, One for You” spot, where a couple surprises each other with early Christmas gifts. The woman presents her guy with Fitbit-like watch things. A little expensive, but it’s the holidays. Then the man returns the favor by revealing surprise… cars? You’re telling me that schlub thought it was a good idea to drop tens of thousands of dollars on two (presumably) unnecessary cars without his partner’s consent? Bullshit. “Hey honey, guess what. I made a massive financial investment without your approval! Wait, what do you mean you want a divorce?” But instead of that natural reaction, she’s excited, taking the pickup clearly meant to be her man’s car (defying stereotypes, am I right?). How insanely rick do these fucks have to be to brush this off like a drop in the bucket? Judging by their house, probably a lot. 99.9% of the people who will see this commercial can’t come close to this kind of cash flow.

So we have the annoying (The Champ is Here), the emotional (The Surprise), and the illogical (One for Me, One for you). What about one that combines all three?

Oh boy, what has Peloton done?

Their holiday commercial is… bizarre to say the least. It seems innocent enough on the surface. A husband buys his wife an exercise bike and she gratefully puts together a montage of her progress across the year to show her husband. There are some problems with this. It’s making people emotional, but not the kind of emotion Peloton wanted to elicit. The ad has been called sexist because the husband is seemingly fat shaming his wife by getting her an exercise bike (even though we have no context as to how this came to pass — maybe she asked for one?). There’s also the fact they she looks like she’s in a hostage crisis as she’s filming herself during these workouts, like a mix of “I must be as thin as possible to please my husband” and “I’m in an abusive relationship someone please help me.” It’s illogical because the woman is in the 1% of people who don’t need an exercise bike. She’s thin and gorgeous already, so why the hell is she even the one being used. She doesn’t even seem to physically change throughout the alleged months of progress. All of this, along with the repetition of the commercial, makes it incredibly annoying, and the backlash has been severe. People have been so angry at this ad that it’s caused Peloton’s stocks to tumble. The actor who played the husband got so much hate that he had to publicly come out and say he’s not sexist. The actress who played the wife has also had to speak about this whole thing, even though she ended up starring in a Ryan Reynolds-directed gin commercial that featured her character and served as sort of a sequel. In short, it’s arguably the worst holiday commercial of all time. How this whole thing was green lit is beyond me.

I’m probably going to see these at least five times while I’m watching football on Sunday, aren’t I?

SEMI-FINAL PREVIEW

I know this doesn’t fit with the weekly theme, but I really like the comparison of our remaining teams and the CFB Playoff finalists. Each are unquestionably the top four contenders who deserve to be in this spot. You’ve got the two clear favorites who have gone back and forth for the No. 1 seed and can outscore anyone. You’ve got the third seed with the same record as the two top dogs, but a somewhat fluky schedule and a reputation as being in a class slightly below. You’ve got the underdog who would normally be the favorite, somewhat inconsistent but with the ability to knock off anyone in front of them. While I think any one of these teams is capable of winning the national championship, it seems clear that LSU and Ohio State will reach the title game, with their eventual clash going down in the history books. Unfortunately for me, this is also how I honestly seeing the rest of our fantasy football playoffs going. Anyway, onto a deeper dive into the semi-final matchups, and back to our spotlight on the zone of chalk.

1. 49ERS VS. 4. DARTH RAIDER

Although far from the favorite to win it all, Darth Raider is (as of this writing) predicted by Yahoo! to score more points than and of the Final Four this week. Ryan Tannehill has been on a goddamn tear, but whether or not he continues to put up points for Arik will depend on if the Texans defense he faces is the one that shut down the Patriots and Chiefs, or the one that got blown out at home by the Broncos. Even if there’s an off game, Tyreek Kill and Travis Kelce should have productive days against Denver. Arik’s diamond in the rough, Austin Ekeler, might run into a tough Vikings defense, but Chris Carson and (possibly) Saquon Barkley are likely to pick up the slack. Will this be enough against the top scoring offense in the league? The success of the 49ers depends on Jameis Winston and Chris Godwin have it going on. They’re playing the Lions? Oh yeah, Gee will be fine, especially with some favorable matchups for Nick Chubb, Ezekiel Elliott, and the Patriots defense. This one could turn into a 49ers-Saints style shootout. 

2. GOOD HOME COOKIN VS. 3. ORCHIDS OF ASIA

Goddamn it, here we go again. I suppose it’s fitting my season will likely end against the same opponent that broke my heart last year. But does Good Home COOKin have to twist the knife by starting Baker Mayfield, the same QB I turned to in my post-Cam Newton hour of need? Kyle already has the likes of Cooper Kupp, Mark Ingram, Dalvin Cook, and Jared Cook to keep the offense going. Meantime, I have no fucking clue what to expect from Deshaun Watson anymore. But even if he doesn’t shit the bed for Orchids of Asia, anything targeting DeAndre Hopkins will give Kyle a boost. While Julian Edelman should do well against the team his team videotaped and Blake Martinez and the Ravens defense should feast on the Bears and Jets, respectively, I will likely need Christian McCaffrey or George Kittle to have another one of their killer outings. Mark Andrews is also questionable (as of this writing), but I’m not confident in anyone else on my bench. This might be the difference between a win and a loss, and I’ll probably fuck it up.

ONE LAST THING

One time, I was playing golf at the Land Park course. This was probably at least five years ago, because I haven’t golfed in a long damn time. Anyway, I was on the fifth hole, the one which goes by the old fountain. That hole happened to be the worst of my life. I immediately sliced it to the right, directly in front of a low-hanging branch. To avoid hitting the tree, I aimed it too far, going over the fairway and landing on the left side, by the fountain. Because I’d gone wide in each of my swings, I decided to aim for the left so I would get it back on center. Naturally, I hit it straight and into the fountain area. I had no idea where it went, so I asked an old couple nearby if they’d seen it. The woman told me not only had she seen it, it had hit her in the ass. That’s right, I plunked an old lady with a golf ball. I just dropped another ball after that.

By the time I got near the hole, I was approaching double digits. My last shot had just landed in the bunker, so I was feeling pretty pissed at that point. I walked into the sand, swung without practicing, and hit it somewhere near the hole. In fact, it ended up being exactly at the whole. I had chipped it in from the bunker. I had ended the worst hole of my golfing career with objectively the best shot of my life. Just when I was ready to give up on golf, after playing like shit and literally injuring an old lady in the process, I had found the high and reached a rare bright spot when I least expected it.

That’s what it’s like being a Sacramento Kings fan, especially on Monday.

Like Nemanja Bjelica said after the game, “Fuck it, we deserve this win.” This team is going to give me a fucking heart attack.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Probably the only person on the planet who remembers ChalkZone