Things are finally getting back to normal. Businesses have opened back up, fans can attend sporting events again, and travel is returning to average levels. Of course, the pandemic is far from other — in fact a shit ton of cases, hospitalizations, and deaths have been reported in recent months (largely due to unvaccinated dipshits, but still). Booster shots will be required for those who have gotten vaccinated and even then protection won’t be 100% full proof.
But fuck it, we’ve survived the pandemic so far and now we’ve officially survived the offseason!
Tonight, the 2021 NFL season gets underway just how the previous one ended, with a game I wish both teams could lose. Of course, watching football is only half the fun. Four months of shit talking, shit trading, shit managing, and shitposting begin now. The Epic League of Epic Epicness is now officially in its second decade of existence, which is bringing about a few changes.
The first and most impactful will be the addition of a 17th game — Week 18. Because the NFL doesn’t give a flying shit about player safety unless it impacts their bottom line, the fantasy football regular season will now last from Week 1-14, with the quarter-finals in Week 15, the semi-finals in Week 16, and the Epic Bowl in Week 17 — the new penultimate week of the real life regular season. This isn’t the only change to our fantasy schedule. Each year, Yahoo! schedules us to randomly play each of the other 11 teams in order, then makes the final two (now three) games of the regular season against the first two (now three) teams we played. That has changed. Instead, I came up with a final three-game slate using a random matchup generator. Everyone will be playing against three other people twice (as normal), only this time those opponents were chosen at random. What’s more, one of the main prizes we all fight for has changed — that will be explained shortly.
But there’s one last change I want to talk about now. It won’t happen until the end of the season and honestly is only really going to impact me. Still, it’s one that must be discussed here.
This will be the last year of the newsletter.
Over these past few years, I’ve truly enjoyed doing these newsletters. It was you guys who asked me to write something up each week and I feel like I’ve exceeded those expectations. The newsletter has evolved into something far beyond a weekly fantasy football update email. It’s provided countless inside jokes, memes, shit talking platforms, and overall laughs. It’s also been an excuse for us to text and talk to each other, which is becoming more important as we grow older and our personal lives evolve. I never wanted us to stay out of touch or relegate our conversations to fleeting moments. In addition, the newsletter has provided an outlet for me to work on and flex my creative writing, a skill that otherwise would have been greatly diminished amid the countless hours I’ve had to restrict how I write at work.
But that’s no longer enough of a reason to justify all of the effort I put into this. As I’ve added new items to the newsletter, it’s become much more of a beast to put together every week. Last year, I would literally spend the vast majority of my non-working hours working on the newsletter, which only got completed each week because there was fuck all else to do during the pandemic. Now, with things open and my work life becoming even busier ever since I took over the 10 p.m. newscast, I no longer have that time. Even this year, when I’m cutting certain parts that had been in previous newsletters, it will be a struggle. What’s helped me power through times where I just did not feel like writing anymore was the sense that you guys liked what I wrote and wanted more. Unfortunately, that sense has dulled over the past few years, especially this year.
I’ll be honest –the falling through of the Dallas destination draft had a lot to do with my decision. On the day of the 2021 NFL Draft — FOUR MONTHS before our draft took place — I proposed we all head to Dallas and hold our draft at AT&T Stadium. I chose Dallas because Ewing is doing his ambulance driving residency there and we won’t have an excuse to visit Dallas afterwards. Granted, one of you told me back then that you couldn’t make it and I knew one other person definitely couldn’t make it as well. But the rest of you (at least those who actually gave a shit to respond in the group chat) were quite enthusiastic and said you’d be down for the trip. Fast forward a couple of months and I floated the idea again, this time making sure you guys knew I was serious. Again, some of you respond positively (while others don’t at all). I even speak with some of you in person, receiving word that you would make the trip. Fast forward to a couple weeks before our selected day and — after making one last check that I’m not just doing this by myself — I actually make contact with AT&T Stadium staff, who say they not only can give us a tour of the facility, but have us draft ON THE FUCKING FIELD. I relay the news to the league, only for one by one everyone to say they couldn’t make it — even the ones who had remained silent beforehand. Just like that, a project I had planned for months went up in flames.
In the end, I still went to Dallas and spent a fantastic weekend with Ewing, his lovely girlfriend, Aly, and a shit ton of furballs. But this trip could’ve been so much more. An opportunity for a guys trip we would’ve remembered for the rest of our lives was completely wasted. This isn’t the first time this has happened — remember the would’ve-been trips to watch Stanford-Notre Dame and USC-Texas (both of which ended up being amazing games)? “Ruben,” I was told, “we have the rest of our lives to do this stuff.” Well it’s been more than half a decade since then and what the fuck have we done as a group since then? I know the capacity for us to travel is there. In fact, a few of you even made a separate trip beforehand to Dallas, one that for some reason I was never invited to. But fuck me, right?
So forgive me if I feel underappreciated, if I feel that I’m putting a hell of a lot more into this league and the group dynamic as a whole than anyone else, if I feel that despite all of what I’ve done I feel forgotten. It may not be how you feel, but it’s certainly how I feel.
Now let’s not be too dramatic. Y’all have been my friends for years and will obviously continue to be so for many more. I’m also not stepping down as commissioner or anything. Next year and beyond I will keep putting together this group of assholes for some fantasy football. I’m also committed to finishing out this season — I’ve spent too much time researching ideas for them to completely go to waste. But given that this is the last year of newsletters and I feel I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder, I’m cutting loose. The gloves are coming off. Oh, you thought these past few years of shit talking have been unfiltered? Bitch, I’ve been holding back. Now that I know I’ve only got a certain amount of these soap boxes left, I’m going all out. Prepare for war.
After all, I can’t leave without telling everyone what happened at the Hall of Fame.
A VISIT TO CANTON
Of course, the Dallas trip wasn’t the only adventure of mine this summer (or even the last I have on my schedule). Last month, Dad and I made the journey to football’s holy grail: the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio. It was a hell of a day that only deepened my Raiders fandom, along with my love of football as a whole. But if you guys plan to go, there are definitely some lessons you can take from my experience to make yours even better.
One note before we get to the strictly HOF stuff. Seeing as our beloved Boston Red Sox were going to be playing in Detroit a few days before, we decided to fly into the Motor City and catch a game. Having arrived late at night but still hungry, Dad and I asked our hotel clerk if there were any restaurants open late. Pointing out a nearby Taco Bell, she told us to go right, then take what she called a “Michigan left.” As we could come to find out, this is a Michigan left. Basically, you can’t turn left at a four-way intersection in Michigan. Instead, you have to take a right, then do a u-turn along a small road in the center median, then go straight through the intersection. Alternatively, you take a u-turn through that road, then take a right. Here’s an explanation of this monstrosity. The goal is apparently to reduce pedestrian deaths on left-hand turns, which is like trying to cut down on drownings by banning swimming. This is, for lack of a better term, fucking stupid and should never spread outside of that godforsaken state. Oh, and Comerica Park was cool but the Tigers beating the shit out of the Red Sox kind of spoiled the experience for us.
Anyway, after the Detroit debacle and a couple days in Cleveland (during which time we literally rode circles around FirstEnergy Stadium), we made the hour-long drive south to Canton. The vast majority of that drive was ruined by absolutely torrential rain, which we should’ve seen coming given that the Indians game we went to the day before was delayed by rain for an hour. The rain kept coming when we arrived in Canton, which as it turns out is a typically small Midwest town that exists solely to house the HOF. We needed to pick up our ticket package, which included admission to the HOF, access to a fan party, and entry to the induction ceremony. Unfortunately, the rain somehow got worse and — not knowing where to go — I had to find a nearby parking lot, run across a pedestrian bridge, and find an information tent, where they were able to give me everything at the cost of the rain leaving me soaked. After getting lost for a bit (because the GPS took us to the other side of where we wanted to go), we managed to find the grass/mud-filled parking lot where a bus was going to take us to the HOF. It was there that I began to get a sense of what I would encounter later — several Raiders fans, but also other certain fan bases we’ll get to later. After a bus ride with a surprising amount of turns, we were dumped near a high school about half a mile away from the HOF and forced to walk the rest of the way. Our path led us past things like electrical transmission lines shaped like giant goal posts, which was definitely a sign we were in football country. Soon after, we arrived at Tom Benson Stadium and the HOF.
As soon as we turned the corner past the part of the HOF that looked like a juicer, it was full-on football sensory overload. All around us were fans wearing all different kinds of jerseys. The star of the Class of 2021 was Peyton Manning, which was reflected in the metric shit ton of Colts and Broncos jerseys we saw that day (Denver fans were also given a boost by Steve Atwater’s induction the day before). There was also a massive flock of Steelers fans, who were following up Bill Cowher and Troy Polamalu’s induction the day before with Alan Faneca’s (and Donnie Shell and Bill Nunn’s) that day, along with Cowboys fans honoring Drew Pearson (and Jimmy Johnson). A good amount of Lions fans (Calvin Johnson) and Packers fans (Charles Woodson) were there as well, but I’m proud to say I saw plenty of fellow Raiders fans in attendance. In fact, it became apparent how united Raider Nation is when — after I had posed for the picture above — two other Raiders fans (who were posing for their own picture just out of frame) invited me to take a picture with them as well. This would be far from the only Raider Nation moment.
Outside the grounds was a massive layout of tents and other displays featuring things like game day gear (basically a bunch of tailgating shit), an outdoor bar, mini combine drills, and even an area where past HOFers gathered to sign autographs. I nearly got one from Dave Casper before I realized that not only did I have nothing for him to sign, but it would then cost $50 for that signature. I decided instead to spend my money inside of by far the largest tent on site, one which housed a variety of gear ranging from everything from t-shirts and hats to rugs to wooden carvings to framed uniforms and autographed memorabilia to basically anything that can either be themed around an NFL team or signed by a former player. In the end, I got both a Tom Flores and Charles Woodson HOF shirt, while Dad snagged a general Pro Football HOF shirt. As soon as we stepped outside, the rain began to fall again, signalling to both of us that we should probably sprint inside and see the actual HOF.
The hallway leading to the first set of exhibits was lined by illustrations of various HOFers running onto the field, like a massive conga line of the best football players ever. Fortunately, this allowed Dad the chance to pretend to be standing next to his crush. The end of that hallway, as it turns out, was the inside of the building that looks like a juicer. It contains two circular floors, the bottom one featuring a timeline of the history of pro football in the U.S., the other showcasing various memorable teams/moments along with interactive exhibits that let you compare your hand/leg/shoulder sizes to the average NFL player. At the center of it all was a large statue of Jim Thorpe, which shows just how much the NFL truly values his contributions to football. Most of the rest of the exhibits were on the second floor, including the one many want to see the most.
I am of course referring to the room where all of the bronze busts of the HOFers rest, arranged by class. Sadly, this ended up being the one room where Dad and I did not enter. That’s because the line to get in literally stretched across the second floor of the building — it took about a minute’s walk to reach the end of it. We overheard someone at the end ask an employee how long it would take to get inside. They were told two hours, to which Dad and I said “fuck that” (this ended up being how close we got to the bronze busts). The other exhibits on the second floor ranged from a walk through Super Bowl history, a display of gear from various modern day stars and record-breakers, a chance to take a picture with the Lombardi Trophy (which sadly had been tainted by Broncos fans touching it), and the recently-installed fan section that featured new inductee Wayne “Violator” Mabry. All told, the second floor was much better than the first floor, even though we didn’t get to see the busts. I recommend coming on a non-induction day.
After a walk back down the stairs, we walked into a special row of lockers for each member of the Class of 2021, lined with things like helmets, jerseys, cleats, awards, playbooks, and other items (Faneca’s actual locker from LSU was on display as well). There was also a section featuring the NFL in media (video games, movies, music, etc.) along with a room honoring HBCUs (historically black colleges and universities) and their alumni, which include guys like Art Shell. But before we could get to the exit, we had to get past the gift shop, which was quite frankly the largest single display of NFL merchandise I have ever seen. Each team had their own racks of shirts and other items. Jerseys and hats lined the walls. It was an incredible place that could’ve rivaled a certain business I visited the last time I was in Las Vegas in terms of money spent. In the end, while Dad went on to the next part of our fan experience, I remained standing in line to buy, among other things, a Raiders mini helmet and two ponchos to protect us from whatever wet weather we encountered from now on (side note: it didn’t rain again for the rest of our time in Ohio).
That next part happened to be a fan dinner that was located inside a giant tent in the same parking lot where I had sprinted across the pedestrian bridge poncho-less in the rain just hours beforehand. On either side of the tent were dozens of tables where fans could sit, while the middle featured a buffet of high-end Mexican food (chicken, tortillas, beans, chips, salsa, and a surprisingly good watermelon salad), drinks (water, iced tea, and lemonade), and desserts (pan dulce and brownies), along with both a bar and stage featuring a live DJ. I found Dad shockingly quickly with an already loaded plate, so we looked for a place to sit. After dismissing a suggested spot because there were Broncos fans at it, I instead opted for a table near the entrance. After leaving to get my own food, I returned to find Dad in full conversation with an older man wearing a suit, who was with an older woman and younger man (both in nice clothes as well). Turns out, the man had noticed my Charles Woodson jersey and asked if we were Raiders fans. Dad told him we were and that we were from NorCal, to which he responded that he was as well and that he was there to see Tom Flores. We both then noticed a wristband the three of them were wearing, which was orange with “FLORES” written in black letters. Basically, we had somehow sat down right next to members of Tom fucking Flores’ entourage. I then spent the rest of my time at the table stuffing myself and gushing about Flores/the Raiders/Pacific.
After Dad and I left the tent (and spotted Gorilla Rilla among the crowd), we went back to the HOF with about half an hour to kill before we could go into the stadium. Not knowing what to do, we realized a crowd was gathering around the tiny parking lot outside of the building. Something was going to happen, but what? We joined the pack and gathered around — it wasn’t long before a car arrived and Gil Brandt came walking out. Over the next several minutes, a few other people wearing gold jackets came and went. Some of them we didn’t recognize, others were Marcus Allen and Dan Marino riding in the back of a golf cart. But there was a notable lapse in arrivals, so Dad and I picked up our things and took a few steps towards the stadium. I took one look back over my shoulder — then I saw it. A black bus flanked by motorcycle officers and followed by a series of white SUVs was pulling into the parking lot. We quickly went back to our spots as the cars parked. The doors of the bus opened (facing away from us, naturally) and screams were heard. Seconds later we found out why — Charles Woodson had just stepped out. This was the bus carrying the Class of 2021. Alan Faneca and John Lynch followed, followed by the goddamn Sheriff himself, Peyton Manning. Archie Manning was there as well, as were Calvin Johnson and Drew Pearson. Then, I spotted a familiar awful orange/grey hair cut — Mark fucking Davis was there, with Tom Flores in a wheelchair with him. The stars then walked past the crowd and towards the stadium — it was time for us to follow.
Tom Benson Hall of Fame Stadium isn’t the biggest or fanciest I’ve ever been in, but it would make for a nice college venue. Given that apart from the HOF Game it’s mostly used as a high school stadium (like during the Bishop Sycamore debacle), it’s appropriate. Our seats were towards the lower end of one of the middle sections, just above the field/floor of the stadium itself. It was still going to be tough to make out anyone on stage without the use of a big screen, but it was still a great view. The first part of the program saw the introduction of dozens of HOFers who had returned for the ceremony. There were too many to remember them all, but they included Ray Lewis, Howie Long, Bruce Smith, Art Shell, Dave Casper, Anthony Munoz, Emmitt Smith, and so many more. That’s not even mentioning Kurt Warner and Michael Irvin, both who were part of the NFL Network’s broadcasting desk (along with Rich Eisen) inside the stadium. Then they rolled out the Class of 2021, now decked out in their gold jackets. After a quick intro by HOF President Dave Baker, none other than Chris fucking Berman stepped up to the mic as the MC. I think this was the point it sunk in that I was watching something in person that I always had and probably from now on will only see again on TV.
As far as speeches go, Pearson’s honestly might’ve been the best — he didn’t try to hide his joy and passion about finally getting inducted. Flores had two of the best lines of the night, the first being a joke about how old he is and the second being, “not bad for a couple of grape pickers, huh?” There was also an entire section of the crowd that was basically a mini-black hole going apeshit during Flores’ induction. Manning as expected was tremendous, with his speech bringing the funniest moment of the entire ceremony. While talking shit about the new time limits on speeches, he mentioned Tom Brady, who turns out was in attendance. As soon as Brady popped up on the big screen, every single fan in attendance (who up until this point had been part of their team’s little tribe only) unanimously booed the hell out of him. It was awesome. After that, Lynch and Faneca had solid if not unspectacular speeches, while Johnson spoke a surprising amount about medical marijuana. Woodson capped the night with a banger speech highlighting his mom. Afterwards, Dad and I were able to get out fairly quickly, catch an early bus, get back to our car, and drive back to the hotel in time to get three hours of sleep before our flight home.
Incredibly, our HOF experience didn’t end there. After our carcases dragged themselves to our gate at the Cleveland Airport, we had about half an hour to kill until boarding. Suddenly, this guy sitting in front of us noticed Dad’s Rock & Roll HOF shirt and asked how it was. Dad, noticing the guy’s Raiders shirt, told him it wasn’t as awesome as the Pro Football HOF. That sparked a half hour-long conversation between Dad, the guy (whose name was Mark), and I about football, the Raiders, and sports in general. Turns out, Mark is a construction worker from Stockton who happens to have connections with the new black hole forming in Las Vegas. He offered to help us out if we wanted tickets. After bidding farewell for boarding, Dad and I found our seats, only for Mark to walk up and realize he just happened to be the third and final person in our aisle. What are the chances? We then talked for another hour before falling asleep for the rest of the flight. After landing and disembarking, we exchanged phone numbers and admired the power of Raider Nation to end a trip in such an unexpectedly pleasant way.
Now before we move on, there’s something else I have to mention. I didn’t stand in line for 20 minutes at the HOF gift shop just for a mini helmet and some ponchos. Seeing as I was at the fucking Pro Football HOF, I decided to buy something that would provide a little extra spice to this season. For the past several years, the No. 1 seed at the end of the regular season got a Buffalo Wild Wings gift card, while the person who scored the most points got free beer of their choice. This year however, it will be the No. 1 seed who will receive the free beer. So what will the top scorer get instead? Why, none other than this:
In case you can’t see or the picture doesn’t load, that is a Pro Football HOF mini helmet signed by Marshall fucking Faulk, the key cog of the Greatest Show on Turf. It’s a fitting reward for the architect of the best offense of our league. That means not only beer and $350 are up for grabs this year, but also memorabilia signed by an NFL legend. So, how did all of us do in our pursuit to get at least one of these great items?
DRAFT RECAP
ERIC DECOSTA BEST DRAFT AWARD:
Two years after literally being unable to draft because of technology problems, C’s New Champ Team has — in my eyes — somehow submitted the best draft of the year. After loading up on skill position talent like Dalvin Cook, DeAndre Hopkins, Chris Carson, Robert Woods, T.J. Hockenson, and Chase Edmonds, Chriss managed to snag Matt Stafford in the 8th round. While there are still plenty of questions surrounding Stafford in LA, for Chriss to be able to stock up well while getting a dark horse MVP candidate halfway through the draft is impressive and as a whole worrying.
JORDAN LOVE WTF DRAFT PICK AWARD:
Without question, the most head-scratching pick was the 65th overall. Heading into the middle of the 5th round, Footballdamus already had two nice RBs in Nick Chubb and Josh Jacobs. But instead of taking a QB or a second WR, Riez drafted his third RB. That wasn’t a shocking choice on paper, but it’s who he chose that clinches this award. Riez selected none other than J.K. Dobbins, who not two hours before the draft had just been declared out for the season with a torn ACL. Perhaps sensing his mistake, Riez took Ronald Jones next, making it four RBs in six picks.
TOM BRADY POTENTIAL STEAL AWARD:
Two guys get this award, although I’m putting an emphasis on “potential” here. Corey Davis has balled out during the preseason and I snatched him in the 9th round. For this to live up to the “sleeper” hype, Zach Wilson and the Jets have to not suck — a risky situation for Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell. Then, in the reversal of what happened in real life, the 49ers chose Trey Lance with their final pick. If Kyler Murray takes a step back and Joe Burrow dies again, Gee could have the seemingly future starter for his favorite team ready to go in an offense suited for his abilities.
MATT MILLEN IRRATIONAL LOVE AWARD:
Stockholm syndrome is defined as when abuse/hostage victims have positive feelings towards their abuser/captor. For the third year in a row, self-proclaimed Raiders and 49ers fan Dad drafted Pat Mahomes — leader of Las Vegas’ main rival and architect of San Francisco’s demise in Super Bowl LIV — in the first two rounds for Sleeping Giants. While Mahomes has put up amazing numbers, Dad has yet to win a playoff game during this time. While Dad may complain about injuries (see below paragraph), in the end, ball don’t lie. A QB isn’t worth picking that early.
TREVOR LAWRENCE NOT FUCKING UP THE 1ST PICK AWARD:
Congrats to Yea baby! on turning the first overall pick into the highest overall Yahoo! draft grade. The obvious choice of Christian McCaffrey was there for the taking, which Arik followed up by having an overall solid draft (but in my opinion not the best in the league). There of course is some major risk involved. Just ask Dad, who took McCaffrey first overall last year following his MVP performance for my title-winning side. McCaffrey only played a handful of games as Dad barely made the playoffs. Arik is hoping to avoid a similar fate and not be cursed this year.
BOBBY PETRINO BETRAYAL AWARD:
While I can’t speak for everyone, I can speak for myself — three of you in particular fucked me over during the draft. First, Jop Suey!!! and Dixie Normous stole Aaron Rodgers and Dak Prescott away from me, forcing me to go to the dark side and pick Tom Brady. Taylor also took Deebo Samuel just before me, while Nick got Cooper Kupp one pick ahead of me. Then in the 9th round, Ewing had the audacity to pick Kenyan Drake for Three Eyed Ravens WHILE SITTING LESS THAN TWO FEET AWAY FROM ME!!! That was a backstabbing worthy of Brutus and Caesar.
PAUL GUENTHER WHO NEEDS DEFENSE AWARD:
Stop me if you’ve heard this before — Kyle does not give a single, solitary flying fuck about defense. Not for the first time, Kyle left the draft without drafting a defense (he has since added the Jaguars as a blatant homer), although he did draft Derwin James of all people. Team Name TBD (please pick a fucking name already) waited until the 9th round to pick Ryan Tannehill, who is returning from a bout with COVID-19. Should the Titans’ medical issues remain, Kyle could be forced to rely on Trevor Lawrence, or more likely the plethora of WRs and RBs he took instead.
JA’MARR CHASE BOOM OR BUST AWARD:
Here’s a common prediction in the Epic League: Richard will have a terrible season. Here’s a less common prediction: Richard will have a great season. Somehow, both of these outcomes are equally likely to happen. Derrick Henry, Cylde Edwards-Helaire, A.J. Brown, Tyler Lockett, Raheem Mostert, and Justin Herbert all had tremendous seasons last year. However, given some new additions to their teams, a lack of changes to their teams’ weaknesses, and injury concerns, each of them could take a significant step back. For the Krispy Kritters’ sake, hopefully not.
JON GRUDEN NEEDS TO TURN IT AROUND AWARD:
It’s been nearly ten years since Jimmy won the league and a lot has changed in that time. Jimmy has even brought about a significant change — abandoning the Wild Hogs in favor of the Gruden Grinders. Like their namesake, they’ve been facing pressure to turn it around. Finally, this seems to be the year they could possibly get it done. Ezekiel Elliott, Darren Waller, James Robinson, Amari Cooper, Russell Wilson, and Chase Claypool present a strong front that could bring Jimmy that elusive playoff victory. For both Jimmy and the Raiders, heads will roll if they don’t.
And let’s not forget…
ANTONIO BROWN PUNKASS BITCH AWARD:
With the exception of myself (who planned the trip), Ewing (who lives in Dallas), Kyle (who told me long ago he couldn’t make it), and Dad (who I knew couldn’t make it), all of y’all are bitches for making the Dallas draft idea flop harder than James Harden. I had it lined up where we would get a tour of AT&T Stadium and draft on the fucking field, only for all of you to get cold feet at the last minute. You provided false hope by either telling me you would go or not saying you couldn’t by ghosting the group chat. Either way, you ruined a potentially legendary boys trip. Fuck y’all.
By now we know our Yahoo! draft grades — half the league got C+ or below, most of the rest got Bs, and Arik had the lone A-. But while these grades are funny to go back and look at once the season’s over, for me the draft day projections are even funnier.
Case in point: Yahoo! has Taylor — the defending champion — going winless. If that happens, it will be the funniest moment in the history of our league. In addition, the most consistent player in the league, Gee, is projected to finish just 2-12. I think that’s even less likely than Taylor going winless (which nearly happened once). Apparently there will be a four-way fight to the finish between myself, Ewing, Chriss, and Arik, with the latter winning out for the No. 1 seed. Given how unlikely some of these other finishes are, I’m suddenly nervous about my chances this season. Let’s bookmark this and come back in about 17 weeks.
Anyway, what about those Raiders I was mentioning a couple of paragraphs ago?
WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT
The Action Network recently released a survey showcasing what they call the least liked pro sports teams in the U.S. They analyzed social media posts about every team from July 2020-July 2021 and ranked each team based on how many posts were negative in tone. Looking at the list, you’ll notice some teams — like a certain baseball team from New York and a basketball team from Los Angeles — you’d expect to be among the most hated are not on this list, while teams like the San Jose Earthquakes, Buffalo Bills, Toronto Raptors, Orlando Magic, and Arizona Coyotes are. I think there’s a flaw in the system — they only analyzed posts from fans of each team, instead of fans as a whole. In a sense, this poll is only taking into consideration how negatively each fan base thinks about their team. However, the reason I haven’t completely dismissed the data is because of which team was ranked number one — by a wide margin.
That team, of course, is the Las Vegas Raiders.
There’s a lot to not like, for sure. There’s the defense, which caused me to want to rip out my own eyeballs at times last season. Signings like Yannick Ngakoue and draft picks like Trevon Moehrig provide hope that maybe things will change. But we’ve been fed this lie before and Gus Bradley isn’t exactly an inspiring name as a defensive coordinator. There’s the offense, led by the walking Mendoza line that is Derek Carr. Is he elite? Is he washed? Probably both? But even with the likes of Darren Waller and Josh Jacobs, the offense is still likely not enough to win games alone (although words cannot express how much I love that Kenyan Drake is a Raider). There’s the fact that everyone and their mother has been talking about how Jon Gruden and Mike Mayock are on the hot seat. That’s probably true for Mayock — the self-proclaimed draft guru known for overreaching in the 1st round and having his 3rd round picks never play a snap for the Raiders. It should be true for Gruden and his ancient, uninspiring play calling. But he has a ten-year deal that’s not even halfway through, so he’s sadly gonna be around for a while. That being said, it would be such a Raiders move to fire a coach halfway through a decade-long contract. Now apparently there are tax issues with the team, because of course why not?
Are the Raiders going to be one of the best teams in the league? Probably not. Are they going to be one of the worst? Probably not. We’ve gone from being consistently shit to being consistently mediocre, which is cruel because that means there’s hope. There’s not much hope — in fact the Raiders probably have the least amount of hope of any team in the AFC West. The Kansas City Chiefs are going to be Super Bowl contenders as long as Mahomes and their asshole/child abuser superstars remain. The Los Angeles Chargers have a new franchise QB and will probably take a huge step forward this year. Even the Denver Broncos have an insane defense and will probably get Aaron Rodgers next year. But the Raiders? There are way too many questions to allow fans to rightfully dream big. But sadly, because there’s some hope I can’t not watch..
In a rare optimistic moment, I’m gonna end the Raiders segment with two bits of good news. The first concerns an elementary school in Olathe, Kansas that recently ordered a set of Chiefs footballs for their PE program. Instead, they received Raiders footballs, prompting whining from the ungrateful school community. Everything on the order appeared to be correct, with even the shopping boxes being labeled as containing Chiefs footballs. So now people think it’s Amazon (the supplier) fucking up or some Raiders fan employee with a vendetta. Either way, this is fucking hilarious and those little shits should be thankful they got the better footballs.
Then, we have actual news — it appears the long list of Raiders greats who have been snubbed by the Pro Football HOF is dwindling. After Ray Guy, Tim Brown, and Ken Stabler got in during the 2010’s, Tom Flores finally got the call this year, along with Charles Woodson, who somehow managed to not be fucked over and voted in on his first ballot. Now, we’re close to another Silver and Black icon getting a gold jacket. Cliff Branch was recently selected as the senior player nominee for the Class of 2022. Much like Flores last year as the senior coach nominee (which this year is Dick Vermeil), Branch now must wait until February to see if he gets in, although being named at this stage is largely considered a formality. Still, considering how much the NFL has enjoyed fucking the Raiders over, I’m not saying it’s over until the night before the Super Bowl (when the full Class of 2022 will be announced). If Branch gets in, all of the Raiders’ focus should turn to Lester Hayes, who (depending on how you feel about Jim Plunkett) would be the lone remaining completely bullshit HOF snub in Raiders history.
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 10 PLAYERS NOT IN THE PRO FOOTBALL HOF
All of this talk about HOF snubs got me thinking — what other teams have former players who have a snub case like Branch or Hayes? Turns out, there are quite a few. While there were a couple of names I recognized, the majority of people on this Top 10 list were unknown to me until I did some research. Now, I genuinely can’t believe that all of them aren’t wearing gold jackets. Before we look at their cases, please note that there’s a certain window of time I’m focusing on (which will be explained in a minute). I’ve also decided to limit the list to just one player per franchise, at least per franchise they’re known for playing with for the majority of their career. That honestly was put in to keep me from bogging this list down with Raiders. Sadly, that means one name in particular — who should be in the Top 10 — gets snubbed again.
HONORABLE MENTION: LESTER HAYES
Last year, I ranked Lester Hayes just above Cliff Branch in my “Raiders not in the HOF list.” But after second thought I find Branch’s non-inclusion a little more bullshit than Hayes. Still, this doesn’t mean Hayes’ absence isn’t bullshit. Hayes won two Super Bowls, made five Pro Bowls, was named Defensive POY, and was a five-time second-team All-Pro (and once a first-team All-Pro). More than half of those honors came after the start of the 1981 season, when the NFL banned the use of Stickum, so those who want to make that argument can stick it up their asses.
HONORABLE MENTION: THE COACHES
While this list only includes players, there are several coaches who are more than deserving of a call from the Hall. Chief among them is Don Coryell, architect of the “Air Coryell” offense that produced one of the greatest passing offenses in NFL history. Under Coryell’s offense, Dan Fouts led the league in passing four straight years, which helped his own HOF case. Any time you change the game, you deserve to be in the HOF. Another notable former coach — Dick Vermeil — also got nominated by the Senior Committee, with his hopeful inclusion being deserving as well.
HONORABLE MENTION: GIVE THEM TIME
As mentioned above, this list is for players who have been waiting more than a decade after retirement. Others have only waited for a few years, but should get in soon. That includes Reggie Wayne and Torry Holt, who have to battle the backlog of WRs. Zach Thomas and Patrick Willis each have intriguing cases as LBs, but haven’t been on the board for too long. Richard Seymour will probably get in as well. While Tony Boselli does meet my requirements, I truly believe it’s only a matter of time before he’s inducted, as he just falls short of reaching the Top 10 most deserving.
10. STEVE TASKER
Steve Tasker stood at just 5’9″ and weighed a measly 180 lbs. Yet, he was one of the best tacklers and feared hitters in the NFL during his 12-year career, which was spent getting halfway decent playing time at WR. But it was on special teams where Tasker truly shined, making many key, legitimate contributions to the defense with his coverage on punts and kickoffs. Extremely quick and shockingly powerful, Tasker forced numerous fumbles and was almost always the first player to reach the return man. Make no mistake — Tasker was an important part of the Buffalo Bills’ Super Bowl appearance streak in the early 1990’s. Tasker made seven Pro Bowls and was named a first-team All-Pro seven times. Tasker’s teammate, HOF QB Jim Kelly, insists Tasker is the greatest special teams player of all time. So why isn’t Tasker in the HOF already? Sadly, very few people give a shit about special teams and recognize its importance in the game. But support is growing — Tasker was a semi-finalist in 2021, so at least he remains on the HOF’s radar.
9. ROGER CRAIG
Roger Craig was ahead of his time — he was the first player in NFL history to record 1,000 yards rushing and receiving in the same season. Only HOFer Marshall Faulk (Mr. Helmet Man) and back-to-back Epic League of Epic Epicness first overall pick Christian McCaffrey have done so since. Craig’s ability to catch and run with the ball was prolific — he’s also one of three RBs to ever lead the league in receptions. He also made the playoffs every year of his career, the majority of which was spent with the San Francisco 49ers. During his time in the Bay Area, Craig won three Super Bowls, made four Pro Bowls and a couple of All-Pro squads, and was named the AP Offensive Player of the Year in 1988. However, the main reasons Craig isn’t enshrined in Canton are listed on those title-winning teams. Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, and other HOFers had a lot to do with San Francisco’s success, making it hard to determine how much impact Craig really had on those teams. But look at the data and Craig definitely has a major case to get in.
8. LEROY BUTLER
LeRoy Butler spent his childhood battling various physical problems that at times forced him to get around using leg braces and a wheelchair. Nevertheless, he worked his way to the NFL, spending all of his 11 seasons with the Green Bay Packers. During that time, his strong play at SS helped the Packers win Super Bowl XXXI and brought Butler four Pro Bowl appearances and four first-team All-Pro nods. Butler also earned a starting spot on the 1990’s All-Decade Team. But perhaps Butler’s most notable contribution was leaping into the home crowd after returning a forced fumble for a TD in 1993. That was the first ever Lambeau Leap, a celebration that has since become iconic in Green Bay. However, neither that nor his stellar play and accolades have gotten him into Canton. In fact, Butler is the only starter on that All-Decade Team without a gold jacket. Maybe it’s because he stayed away from the limelight, unlike new inductee John Lynch, who has 12 fewing INTs, 6 1/2 fewer sacks, and three fewer defensive TDs than Butler. Still, Butler’s name has been popping up a lot, which could finally push him over the top for 2022.
7. KEN RILEY
Ken Riley never made an AFL All-Star Game or Pro Bowl and was only named to three All-Pro squads (and only one first-team All-Pro). Yet, he has more of an argument for being in the HOF than the vast majority of players in NFL history. Throughout his 14-year career, Riley was never a popular or even well-known player, largely due to the fact that he spent his entire tenure with the Cincinnati Bengals. But look at the numbers and they tell a much different story. Ruley finished in the Top 10 in INTs four times, recording a total of 65. That’s more than Ed Reed, Ronnie Lott, and Mel Blount and as many as new enshrinee Charles Woodson. Riley’s skill and durability led to him playing in over 200 games — just one of 26 CBs to do so. You can also make the argument Riley aged like fine wine — his lone first-team All-Pro nod game in his final season. Despite his impressive stats, Riley never even really garnered much HOF buzz until his death last year. Sadly, as was the case with Ken Stabler, that elusive honor may finally come — posthumously.
6. JOE JACOBY
Joe Jacoby is largely considered to be the greatest player in Washington franchise history to not be enshrined in Canton, and for good reason. After going undrafted, Jacoby managed to find a spot on Washington’s offensive line. For the next 13 seasons, Jacoby was a rock solid OT, and became a founding member of the iconic Hogs line that led Washington to three Super Bowl titles in the 1980’s and 90’s. In fact, Jacoby is part of one of the NFL’s most iconic plays — he threw the lead block for HOFer John Riggins during his famous TD run in Super Bowl XVII. Interestingly, of the various members of the Hogs, only Russ Grimm is in the HOF. Grimm and Jacoby were two of only four Hogs to win all three Super Bowls. Both also made four Pro Bowls and were named to the 1980’s All-Decade Team. In fact, Jacoby finished with just one fewer first-team All-Pro nod (three) than Grimm (four). So why isn’t Jacoby in despite similar stats and honors? It’s unclear — offensive lineman don’t get much limelight, either. It’s a shame for such a deserving player.
5. CHUCK HOWLEY
Chuck Howley’s case for Canton is so impressive that it ascends him to the top of the Dallas Cowboys’ HOF snubbed case (which had been held by Drew Pearson until this year). Not even Darren Woodson — a three-time Super Bowl champ, five-time Pro Bowler, and four-time first-team All-Pro member — gets the nod over Howley. After returning to the NFL after a two-year absence due to a knee injury that nearly forced him to retire, Howley spent 13 years in Dallas, where he was named to six Pro Bowls and five first-team All-Pro squads (along with two second-team All Pro nods). Despite Howley’s best efforts — two INTs and a forced fumble — the Cowboys lost Super Bowl V. Howley was named MVP, one of just four LBs and the only ever member of the losing team to earn the honor. Fortunately for Howley, Dallas earned redemption by winning Super Bowl VI. Still, all of those accolades have yet to earn Howley a gold jacket, perhaps due to age and a lack of overall team success in his era. But he definitely deserves a spot in the HOF.
4. TOMMY NOBIS
Tommy Nobis was wanted by both the NFL and AFL out of college. Despite efforts from a literal astronaut, Nobis signed with the Atlanta Falcons in 1966. In his first season, Nobis was named ROY and amassed 294 combined tackles, unofficially the most ever credited to one player in a season in NFL history. For the next decade, Nobis continued to be one of the most fearsome LBs in all of football, earning five Pro Bowl nods and two All-Pro honors (including one first-team) while racking up a metric shit ton of tackles. He was also named to the 1960’s All-Decade Team. Nobis was so terrifying, HOFer Larry Csonka said he’d rather play against Duck Butkus, who I once named the scariest player in NFL history (clearly my research was lacking). Ironically, it was Nobis’ loyalty to the Falcons (his nickname was “Mr. Falcon”) that put up the biggest obstacle to his induction into Canton. Atlanta was utter dogshit at the time, failing to make the playoffs even once during Nobis’ career. That shouldn’t be held against him — one guy can’t win a Super Bowl.
3. L.C. GREENWOOD
L.C. Greenwood wore gold shoes so the announcers could identify him when he made a tackle. That happened quite a lot, as Greenwood was a key member of the Steel Curtain defense that led the Pittsburgh Steelers to four Super Bowl titles in the 1970’s. Greenwood played particularly well during the big game — he batted down two passes by Fran Tarkenton in Super Bowl IX and sacked Roger Staubach four times in Super Bowl X. For 12 seasons, Greenwood lined up as DE on that iconic defensive line, collecting six Pro Bowl nods and being named first-team All-Pro twice. Greenwood was also named to the 1970’s All-Decade Team and a finalist for the NFL 100 All-Time Team. While Greenwood was clearly one of the best players on that unit, he was largely overshadowed by HOFer “Mean” Joe Greene, who — along with guys like Jack Lambert and Mel Blount — might make HOF voters wonder just exactly how much Greenwood contributed to those Super Bowl wins. Somehow, the Steelers-loving NFL has snubbed one of Pittsburgh’s best.
2. RANDY GRADISHAR
Randy Gradishar had an exceptional college career, finishing 6th in the 1973 Heisman race as a LB, being inducted into the CFB HOF, and having legendary Ohio State coach Woody Hayes call him the “finest LB I ever coached.” Somehow, his pro career was even better. During his nine years in the NFL, Gradishar spearheaded the Denver Broncos’ Orange Crush defense, leading the team to Super Bowl XII while being named to seven Pro Bowl, seven All-AFC, and six first-team All-Pro squads. Gradishar also took home NFL Defensive POY honors in 1978. Many people from Gradishar’s era compare him to Jack Lambert, one of the greatest defensive players in football history, saying Gradishar was more of a smart tackler and less of a head-hunter (not saying that Gradishar couldn’t hit hard — he did). Maybe Gradishar’s lack of a gold jacket is due to the fact that, unlike Lambert’s teams, his never won a title. But if that’s true it’s ridiculous. I hate the Broncos as much as any Raiders fan should — Gradishar should 1,000% be in the HOF.
1. CLIFF BRANCH
Cliff Branch is No. 1 — of course he is. It’s not just my Raiders bias — Branch was at or near the top of every “Best NFL Players not in the HOF” list I looked at for research. There’s a lot of good reasons why. Branch is one of just six players to be on all three Super Bowl-winning Raiders teams, also earning four Pro Bowls, three first-team All-Pro nods, twice leading the NFL in TDs, and once being the league leader in yards. Branch made his name by being fast as fuck — his blazing speed helped the Raiders’ iconic deep passing game reach legendary heights, changing the way offenses worked as we know them. When he retired, Branch was the NFL’s leader in playoff receiving yards and catches. He now sits 4th and 11th, respectively. Compared to HOFer and contemporary Lynn Swann (336 catches for 5,462 yards and 51 TDs), Branch blows him out of the water — 501 catches for 8,685 yards and 67 TDs). But then again the NFL liked Swann’s team more than Branch’s. It’s time for the bias to end — get Branch into the HOF in 2022.
#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On September 9, 1960, the New England Patriots and Denver Broncos made their professional debuts. However, they were still a decade away from their first NFL games. This particular match saw the then-Boston Patriots host the Broncos in the first ever American Football League game. In the following ten years, the AFL would become the NFL’s biggest rival ever, with its ten clubs eventually joining the NFL as part of the great merger of 1970. But 62 years ago, these two were rookies, especially Denver with their ass ugly uniforms (which they for some reason decided to use as throwbacks a few years ago). Denver’s coach was Frank Filchock, who threw the first 99-yard TD pass in NFL history in 1939, then seven years later was suspended by the NFL for failing to report being bribed to fix the 1946 NFL Championship Game. As for the AFL’s first game, Boston was heavily favored, having beaten Denver 43-6 in an exhibition four weeks earlier. Things looked like they would start strong for the Patriots again, after a kick by Gino Cappelletti (who along with Jim Otto and George Blanda never missed an AFL game) made it 3-0 Boston. But on the next drive, Frank Tripucka found Al Carmichael (a Hollywood stuntman whose filmography includes Spartacus) for a 59-yard strike — the first TD in AFL history. Gene Mingo kicked the extra point, becoming the first African-American to score in the AFL. Mingo made more history by returning a punt for a TD (although he missed the extra point). Boston cut into the lead late, but Denver hold on to win the first ever AFL game 13-10. Neither club would go on to do much in 1960 (both teams finished last in their divisions), although Tripucka became the first QB in AFL and NFL history to throw for over 3,000 yards in a season. Today however, both the Patriots and Broncos have become the scorn of many. Also, this is technically AFL history, so…
On September 9, 2018, the Green Bay Packers and Chicago Bears began the NFL season by adding another memorable chapter to their storied rivalry. Both teams had plenty of buzz surrounding them going into the season. For Green Bay, Aaron Rodgers was returning after a collar bone injury kept him out for the majority of 2017. Meanwhile, Chicago had replaced head coach John Fox with Matt Nagy and — just a week before this game — traded for former DPOY Khalil Mack. The latter move showed results early, as the Bears clamped down on the Packers’ offense, sacking Rodgers several times and forcing him to be carted off with a knee injury. Mitch Trubisky’s TD run and a Cody Parkey FG gave Chicago a 10-0 lead, after which Mack went into god mode, strip sacking DeShone Kizer before picking off a Kizer pass and taking it back 27 yards for a TD. The Bears were up 17-0 at halftime and 20-0 after Parkey kicked another FG to end Chicago’s first drive of the second half. But to the surprise of everyone in Green Bay, Rodgers returned to the field, igniting the Packers’ offense. After a Mason Crosby FG, Rodgers followed a Chicago three-and-out by hitting Geronimo Allison for a 39-yard to make it 20-10 early in the 4th quarter. Another short Bears drive gave way to another Aaron Rodgers TD — this one to Davante Adams. Chicago executed a lengthy drive that ended in a FG, making the count 23-17 with just 2:39 left to play. But that was too much time for Rodgers, who just 20 seconds later found Randall Cobb for a 75-yard TD to make it 24-23. The Bears couldn’t muster a comeback, as the Packers held on to win their first game when trailing by 17 or more points in the 4th quarter in franchise history. This game would be a preview of what each team’s season would be like… at least the first half of the game. Green Bay would soon stumble to a 6-9-1 record and dismiss head coach Mike McCarthy. Chicago meanwhile would win the NFC North at 12-4, only to fall in the playoffs on an unsuccessful FG attempt by Parkey
.STAT OF THE WEEK
This is also the first time every team in a single division will start the season with a QB age 25 or younger since the AFC North in 1973 (Terry Bradshaw [Steelers], Ken Anderson [Bengals], Dan Pastorini [Oilers], and Mike Phipps [Browns]).
Fun fact — two of those QBs have ties to our area. O’Brien was a Jesbian who went to UC Davis, while Eason was Dad’s classmate and teammate at Delta High School. We tend to not bring up Super Bowl XX while Tony’s around.
2021 DUES TALLY
Ruben: $40
Dad: $40
Ewing: $40
Taylor: $40
Gee: $40
Richard: $40
Kyle: $40
Chriss: $40
Nick: $40
Riez: $40
Jimmy: $40
Arik: $0
Arik, you have until Sunday to get the $40 to me or you won’t be able to edit your roster (which I will leave blank).
THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS
JOP SUEY!!! VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS
Out to make Epic League history, Jop Suey!!! begins its quest to win an unprecedented third league title by facing Gruden Grinders. Jimmy will look to get things going early, though Ezekiel Elliott and Amari Cooper will face a tough outing in the defending champions. Come Sunday, all eyes will be on Colts-Seahawks, as Russell Wilson tries to get Jimmy points against Taylor’s Colts defense (and Rodrigo Blankenship). Bobby Wagner could also get some points for Taylor in that game. If Jimmy trails late, Darren Waller will need to come to the rescue on Monday.
49ERS VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS
With back-to-back Epic Bowl losses, 49ers are halfway to becoming our version of the 90’s Buffalo Bills. Gee has fielded a roster that has the potential to make a third straight title game, but may need some help. Kyler Murray, Terry McLaurin, Tee Higgins, Jonathan Taylor, and Joe Mixon are boom or bust. But given Gee’s nature half of these guys will be cut or traded by Week 6. On the other side, Footballdamus has plenty of firepower in Matt Ryan, D.K. Metcalf, Nick Chubb, Josh Jacobs, Ronald Jones, and Kyle Pitts. If Riez gets lucky, he could be in line for the upset.
COLE BEASLEY’S BRAIN CELL VS. TEAM NAME TBD
No matter what names we bestow upon our teams, it’s destiny that Kyle and I must compete in a high-profile match. After three straight playoff encounters (I have a 2-1 record BTW), we now face off in Week 1. Both Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell (Tom Brady, Stefon Diggs, Saquon Barkley) and Team Name TBD (Ryan Tannehill, Davante Adams, Travis Kelce) have the ability to do some damage. In fact, this matchup has the highest projected score for any one predicted to be decided by single digits. It’s fitting that we add another close chapter to a back-and-forth history.
C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM VS. THREE EYED RAVENS
On paper, this may be the best matchup of the week, which should make sense given that these teams had the second (Three Eyed Ravens) and third (C’s New Champ Team) overall picks. Chriss boasts the dark horse MVP favorite (Matt Stafford) along with his top WR (Robert Woods), and a potential top pick next year (Dalvin Cook). Ewing has a former MVP (unvaccinated dipshit Lamar Jackson), last year’s real OROY (Justin Jefferson), and last year’s fantasy playoff MVP (Alvin Kamara). This should be a good one, although Ewing definitely needs to pick up a new K.
YEA BABY! VS. DIXIE NORMOUS
It’s a battle of the Austin Powers jokes, as Yea baby! faces Dixie Normous. Hell bent on taking over the league, Arik has used the No. 1 overall pick to align a pool of sharks with laser beams attached to their heads in the form of Christian McCaffrey, Josh Allen, Calvin Ridley, and Mark Andrews. But Nick has some mojo of his own in Dak Prescott, Tyreek Hill, Mike Evans, and Austin Ekeler. What’s groovy is that this game could come down to defense, with Patrick Queen (Arik) and the Ravens defense (Nick) going on Monday. Whoever loses will feel like a… well…
SLEEPING GIANTS VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS
After a year of wasted potential, Richard finally has access to his team again and can actually play fantasy football! With him able to pick, the Krispy Kritters somehow got a pretty talented roster loaded with Derrick Henry, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, Justin Herbert, and He Who Must Not Be Named. Opposing this is Sleeping Giants, who are in Year 3 of the “Draft Pat Mahomes in the First Two Rounds” experiment. Given Dad hasn’t won a playoff game in the first two years, he’s going to need Aaron Jones, Gus Edwards, Adam Thielen, and CeeDee Lamb to step up.
ONE LAST THING
The Atlanta Falcons begin their season on Sunday by hosting the Philadelphia Eagles. Both clubs are coming off disappointing seasons and have new head coaches. Unless Jalen Hurts comes out and balls the fuck out, the Falcons should be favored to win the game. Apart from Week 2 at Tampa Bay, Atlanta has a pretty decent first month or so, with games against the New York Giants, Washington Football Team, and the New York Jets on the schedule. In fact, throw in the Dallas Cowboys, Jacksonville Jaguars, Detroit Lions, and potential steps back for the Carolina Panthers and New Orleans Saints, and I wouldn’t be totally surprised to see the Falcons return to the playoffs this year (provided they figure out how to maintain a lead). Doing so would be a step in the right direction, towards their goal of ending what will now be 56 years of waiting for the franchise’s first Lombardi Trophy.
The previous 55 years of Falcons history have been beautifully, creatively, meticulously, masterfully catalogued by Jon Bois and Alex Rubenstein in Secret Base’s new seven-part web series — Dorktown presents: The History of the Atlanta Falcons. Much like with their critically-acclaimed History of the Seattle Mariners I surely mentioned at some point last year, Bois and Rubenstein take viewers on a journey throughout the first 55 years of football in Atlanta, one filled with graphs and charts, crazy characters, unbelievable stories, a shit ton of jazz, and plenty heartbreak. They introduce us to the woeful 60’s/70’s Falcons who put up some of the worst passing numbers in NFL history, the Prime Time/Dirty Birds of the late 80’s/early 90’s, the Michael Vick and Bobby Petrino sagas of the 00’s, the high-flying Matt Ryan/Julio Jones era of the 10’s, and, of course, Super Bowl LI and all the collapses before and after. Naturally, the documentary also touches on Atlanta’s legendary, heated rivalry with the New Orleans Saints.
I know I’m recommending you guys watch a nearly seven-hour documentary about the Atlanta Falcons, but guys holy shit this is amazing. I showed the first part (honestly one of the not as good parts of the whole thing) to Ewing and he liked it, so you guys would definitely enjoy it. I know this isn’t the first time I’ve gushed about Bois and Secret Base’s content. But the man keeps putting out high quality content, which you know must be amazing enough for me to forget that he’s a heathen Kansas City Chiefs fan. But at the end of the day, for his (and our) sakes, at least we’re not Falcons fans.
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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