Ruben's Writings

Well, that was an eventful, oddly-connected weekend.

Dad and I spent the vast majority of the weekend in Palm Springs for the wedding between my cousin, Camille, and her new husband, Stephen. It was a lovely service at a small botanical garden full of cacti, one which I do not have pictures from because the bride and groom requested no phones be on during the service. It was good to reconnect with people on Dad’s side of the family and of course awesome to see my little cousin so happy. Palm Springs itself was pretty cool — it seems like the hidden gem for rich, white people in Socal. We stayed at this awesome hotel that had a kickass pool with a swim-up bar and even RedZone on the TV. We only got to stay one night because Dad had to be back in Sacramento by early Monday, so we had to drive through the night and early morning. It was exhausting, especially because I did the vast majority of the driving throughout the trip. 

Of course, it was something that happened shortly after we arrived in Palm Springs that quickly became the talk of the weekend. Because I was driving, I hadn’t checked my phone for a few hours (since the last time we got gas). So after we got checked in and settled into our room, I decided to catch up on social media happenings while taking a shit. It was during this bathroom visit when I checked Instagram and saw something utterly incredible.

Congratu-fucking-lations to Ewing! This is an incredible happening and an amazing personal accomplishment. It was a beautiful moment and one worth celebrating forever. This is likely never to happen again in his lifetime, so soak it all up. That’s right, Ewing actually managed to win a fantasy football game! 

Oh yeah, and he got engaged.

In all seriousness, I speak for everyone when I say how happy we are for the two of you. A few of us have gotten the honor of meeting Ewing’s new fiancee and can attest to how amazing she is and how well the two of them are as a couple. Ewing has always been a fantastic friend and overall great dude who deserves nothing but the best, so it’s so heartwarming to see what must be the happiest moment of his life (so far, anyway) come to pass. We’re also looking forward to seeing what will next become the happiest moment — wedding day. We are going to get biblically drunk during the reception — we’ll enjoy it even more because you two actually know what good beer is and where to get it! It’s gonna be legen-dary!

I’m so happy for you, brother. Congrats again and cheers to a wonderful future.

BTW thanks for giving me an idea for a newsletter theme.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

THREE EYED RAVENS (2-7) DEF. PLEASE GOD WIN (4-5)

146.44 – 75.06

How generous of Kyle — in celebration of Ewing’s engagement, Kyle gifted him a win. Not only that, but Kyle made sure Three Eyed Ravens whooped absolute ass. The Chargers defense, Kadarius Toney, and Zach Moss did jack shit for Please God Win, while Josh Allen (surprisingly) and Davante Adams (not as surprisingly) struggled mightily against inferior defenses. While Kyle finally got to enjoy the services of Chistian McCaffrey, he wasn’t at his best yet ended up as Kyle’s third-highest scorer behind Eric Kendricks (13 points) and Travis Kelce (12 points). None of that truly mattered, because Ewing had the ultimate set of groomsmen ready to support him. Lamar Jackson (32 points) returned to form, while Joe Mixon (23 points) and the Patriots defense (20 points) added enough to beat Kyle by themselves. But then you throw in Ewing’s best man/player, who turned out to be none other than James Conner (35 points). Strange bedfellows, huh? Ewing’s not complaining about his second-most important win of the weekend.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (5-4) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (3-6)

92.54 – 83.72

Overall, this was the second straight weekend of mediocre fantasy football. But somehow this stretch of bad performances has led to the closest matchups of the season. A week after barely winning the closest call all season, the Krispy Kritters took home another narrow victory. If you could look at Richard’s scoring spread, it would look like a giant “W” (fitting, I guess). First, a high point with Nyheim Hines (16 points) on Thursday. Then Sunday was largely flat (bad days from the Ravens defense, Tyler Boyd, Derrick Gore, and Salvon Ahmed), with the exception of another high point in the middle in Justin Herbert (31 points). Finally, Monday concluded with enough of a push from Pat Freiermuth (16 points) to put Richard over the top. Gruden Grinders overall didn’t put up too much of a mountain to overcome, with Ryan Tannehill (15 points) and Devontae Booker (12 points) being the only ones to give Jimmy double-digit points. Most of the rest of the lineup didn’t have awful days, but no one stepped up enough to make sure Jimmy had enough.

YEA BABY! (6-3) DEF. AARON RODGERS’ BRAIN CELL (4-5)

86.80 – 78.66

I knew Weeks 9 and 10 would be rough for Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell, but man was that brutal. Yea baby! had an off-day and left the door wide open for me to get the win. Arik went with Daniel Jones at QB, which went about as well as you’d think. Alvin Kamara (16 points) and Cordarrelle Patterson (13 points) were the only ones to give Arik double-digit points. Everyone else in Arik’s lineup wasn’t terrible, but was average at best. Even so, my lineup wasn’t primed to use this opportunity to my advantage. Tom Brady and D’Andre Swift were on byes. Saquon Barkley was still injured and David Montgomery was too close of a call on Monday for me to feel comfortable putting him in the lineup. Tua Tagovailoa was a late scratch, forcing me to quickly find essentially a third-string QB. The replacements for all of them ranged from mediocre to average, with Trevor Siemian (15 points) being the only person to finish in double-digits. But it was Siemian (rather, my decision to go with him at QB) that led to my ultimate demise (I’ll explain in the next section). 

DIXIE NORMOUS (8-1) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (5-4)

85.88 – 66.04

Am I reading this right? Is Nick… human after all? For the first time this season, Dixie Normous failed to surpass triple-digit points. In fact, they failed to even crack 90, a mark that Sleeping Giants had only failed to reach once before. Guess what happened? Sometimes when it’s your year, it’s just your year — no amount of shitty play can make you lose. Dak Prescott (19 points) redeemed himself for Nick in garbage time, of course without letting CeeDee Lamb get anything good for Dad. Despite playing a QB making his first start in a hostile environment, Pat Mahomes by comparison didn’t do much better. For every Austin Ekeler, Tyreek Hill, Courtland Sutton, and Darrell Henderson that failed to do much for Nick, there was Eli Mitchell, C.J. Uzomah, Adam Thielen, and Aaron Jones to stink it up for Dad. Finally, Nick was able to make things seem more in control than they were with a vintage Monday Night performance from T.J. Watt (17 points). Even when Nick stumbles, his opponent falls harder. You need luck like that to win it all.

49ERS (8-1) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (1-8)

121.38 – 74.00

Speaking of teams who have a shot to win it all and thus have lady luck on their side, 49ers looked at all of us non-Ewing people struggling to put up points and said, “amateurs.” While this won’t reverse last year’s Epic Bowl result or take away the agony of two straight title game defeats, Gee has to feel good after beating the shit out of Jop Suey!!! Gee got off to a perfect start on Thursday thanks to Jonathan Taylor (32 points), then kept the mojo rolling with the likes of Kirk Cousins (21 points), Justin Jefferson (14 points), Najee Harris (13 points), and Roquan Smith (14 points). Gee got nothing from his kicker and barely anything from his defense and still put up more than 120 points. There was no way Taylor could overcome that, especially after learning that Kyler Murray would be a late scratch (the Jordan Love experiment didn’t work). Another awful effort from his lineup (and a Ewing win) means Taylor is once again at the bottom of the standings. I don’t care if you say you won’t do the last place punishment, bitch. It’ll happen.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-5) DEF. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (4-5)

108.88 – 81.46

Hey Footballdamus — want me to stop bitching about the 172-point ass-whooping thing? Play like this more often. Riaz is currently hitting the triple-digit mark about half the time, with the other half producing shit results. This was definitely in the former category, proving Riaz’s slim potential to actually make noise should he qualify for the playoffs. Keep in mind, Riaz did this without the services of D.K. Metcalf, Antonio Brown, or Myles Sanders. Jalen Hurts (16 points). Michael Pittman (12 points), and the Cardinals defense (12 points) helped carry the load. But it was Nick Chubb (28 points) who was the main engine behind Riaz’s offense. Chubb also helped make some separation from C’s New Champ Team, who dropped yet another tough loss. Matt Stafford (15 points) was far from his usual self. The Dolphins defense (17 points) and Dalvin Cook (12 points) were good on their own, but couldn’t make up for a lack of production from Zach Ertz, Khalil Herbert, and the injured Chase Edmonds. Chriss can’t keep racking up losses like this.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. Dixie Normous (8-1)
2. 49ers (8-1)
3. Yea baby! (6-3)
4. The Krispy Kritters (5-4)
5. Sleeping Giants (5-4)
6. Footballdamus (4-5)
7. Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell (4-5)
8. Please God Win (4-5)
9. C’s New Champ Team (4-5)
10. Gruden Grinders (3-6)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (2-7)
12. Jop Suey!!! (1-8)

THE RACE FOR MARSHALL:

1. Dixie Normous (1120.96)
2. 49ers (1062.08)
3. Yea baby! (1024.94)
4. The Krispy Kritters (988.38)
5. Footballdamus (954.34)
6. Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell (937.16)
7. Gruden Grinders (934.56)
8. Please God Win (934.32)
9. Sleeping Giants (923.16)
10. C’s New Champ Team (904.44)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (830.14)
12. Jop Suey!!! (776.80)

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: Sometimes things just fall into place for success. For James Conner, Chase Edmonds got injured during the game and, with Colt McCoy in for Kyler Murray, the Cardinals leaned on their running game. That led to a career day for Conner, who put up a whopping 35 points for Ewing. Even among an uncharacteristically successful week for Ewing, Conner stands above the rest.

WORST: I don’t want to keep harping on this, considering he’ll probably go off against the Raiders this week out of spite. But Pat Mahomes has been playing like shit all season. Even when facing a QB making his first start on the road, Mahomes could only lead the Chiefs to 13 points and a narrow win. Needless to say, Mahomes’ performance was a major reason Dad couldn’t win.

TRANSACTION

BEST: Noah Fant getting COVID-19 might’ve been what gave Richard the victory. Fant’s absence forced Richard to go TE shopping, with him choosing Pat Freiermuth. That would prove to be a good decision, as Freiermuth put up 16 points. Richard managed to slip by Jimmy by just nine points, meaning Freiermuth’s production was necessary for Richard to get a much-needed win.

WORST: When I had to replace Tua Tagovailoa at the last minute, I knew my selection could be the deciding factor in whether I win or lose. I chose Trevor Siemian because I was playing the matchup. Siemian got me just 15 points, when another QB in that same matchup (Matt Ryan) who was also available got 28 points. I lost by just nine points, so I sadly proved my own point.

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: Again, there really wasn’t a worthy award winner this week, so let’s just go with the closest game. Richard didn’t panic in response to Justin Herbert’s recent slide and made the smart choice to keep rolling with him. Nyheim Hines may not have been the choice of many, but it was largely because Richard chose him for his RB corps that he was able to pull out the victory.

WORST: I don’t like doing multiple parters for these sections, but I know what I was thinking going into the weekend. I had been looking at replacing D.J. Moore with Hunter Renfrow and was fighting back-and-forth on starting David Montgomery in my FLEX. I did neither of those things and the result was a ten-point swing that (had it gone the other way) would’ve meant victory.

LUCK

BEST: There has never been a clearer winner of this category than Ewing, who got the ultimate stroke of luck by finding a lifelong partner. That, and having FOUR members of his starting lineup finish with at least 20 points and two of them above 30 points. Even Carson Wentz and DeVonta Smith went off on Ewing’s bench. Literally nothing was standing between Ewing and victory.

WORST: This past weekend was a weird one, where a lot of good teams unexpectedly lost. Two of those teams were the Dallas Cowboys and Cincinnati Bengals, with guys like Amari Cooper and Ja’Marr Chase (who normally are quite productive) having awful days. To have both in your lineup is terrible luck especially when you lose by fewer than ten points. That’s Jimmy’s life now.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

… this fucking team.

I know I said last week that I wouldn’t blame the Raiders if the season went in the tank, given the humongous pile of bullshit the team has had to deal with. I still believe that and I can’t entirely be mad for shit like this. But goddamn we should’ve won that. Honestly, the reason we didn’t was Derek Carr, who’s been one of the most consistent players on the roster. Carr picked an awful time to have his worst game of the season, missing teammates in the end zone and committing costly turnovers (I also blame Josh Dubow for cursing us). Was Carr’s bad game due to the whole lack of a deep threat due to Henry Ruggs’ absence? Maybe the other WRs aren’t as good at creating separation, which led to those two INTs. Perhaps, but Carr did some dumb shit he doesn’t usually do. The Raiders also should’ve run the ball more, but hindsight is always 20/20.

So in terms of the whole “not letting the season slip away” thing, blowing the second-easiest game left on the schedule is not a good start. Now, the Raiders have to right the ship against the Kansas City Chiefs, who conveniently just beat the New York Giants. The Chiefs have honestly looked like shit over the past several weeks, but have still managed to win games. Kansas City is definitely beatable, but Carr has to do better in what’s essentially become a must-win game.

Of course, the Raiders as a whole will look different going into Sunday night’s game. In the third-most headline-making/disappointing roster departure of the season, the Raiders released Damon Arnette, who for some stupid fucking reason decided to post videos of himself waving a gun and threatening to kill people on social media, less than a week after his former teammate literally killed someone in a crash. Arnette, who’s largely been hurt and sucked when he hasn’t, was unsurprisingly released, which could honestly be considered a roster upgrade at this point. This does mean that the Raiders’ 2020 NFL Draft class is now an absolute shitshow. Of Las Vegas’ picks in the first three rounds (Ruggs, Arnette, Lynn Bowden, Bryan Edwards, Tanner Muse), only Edwards is still on the Raiders.

Then of course we have the Ruggs replacement, DeSean Jackson, who is now officially a Raider. Some may see Jackson’s speed and overall WR skills and be thrilled. I am not one of them. I see a player who’s been a dumbass with constant on-field and off-field issues throughout his career. There’s also the fact that Jackson is, you know, an anti-semite — yes he’s allegedly educating himself, but let’s just hope it’s not Aaron Rodgers’ brand of education. I don’t think the solution to solving offensive issues is to throw a guy like that into a locker room already on the verge of collapse. This may end up doing way more harm than good.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 11, 2002, the Oakland Raiders and Denver Broncos added another historic, infamous, hate-filled chapter to their rivalry. The Raiders had begun the season 4-0, but had dropped their next four games going into a Monday Night Football showdown with the Broncos. Denver by contrast was flying high at 6-2 and looking to put the death knell into Oakland’s season at Mile High. While the Raiders jumped ahead 3-0 early, the Broncos drove right down to Oakland’s goal line and looked primed to take the lead. But then, Rod Woodson picked off Brian Griese and took the ball all the way back for a TD, putting the Raiders up 10-0. Oakland was off and running from there, although the majority of the offense came through the air. Rich Gannon was an absolute machine, throwing for 352 yards and three TDs while going 34/38. That included 21 straight completions, which set a new NFL record (the current record is 25). Two of Gannon’s scores went to Jerry Rice, who became the first player in NFL history to surpass 200 career rushing/receiving TDs. This game also saw a notable incident between Shannon Sharpe and Bill Romanowski, who were teammates just the year prior. During an early game tackle, Romanowski dislocated Sharpe’s elbow, forcing him to miss the rest of the game. No one could tell how bad the injury was because Sharpe refused to show pain, saying afterwards that he hated the Raiders so much he didn’t want to show weakness in front of them. Weak or not, the Broncos were battered and bruised by the Raiders 34-10. Denver would continue the downward spiral, finishing 9-7 and missing the playoffs. Oakland meanwhile would only lose once more during the regular season en route to an appearance in Super Bowl XXXVII, where they would be defeated by a racist, misogynistic, homophobic asshole.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Turns out, everyone was right — the only person who can stop Josh Allen is Josh Allen.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

DIXIE NORMOUS (8-1) VS. 49ERS (8-1)

A potential Epic Bowl preview is in the works this weekend, as Dixie Normous and 49ers meet in a much-anticipated showdown. Nick and Gee have been ahead of the pack for pretty much all season, with the winner getting a leg up in the fight for the top overall seed. One major factor is the status of Joe Rogan’s good friend Aaron Rodgers, who may not get his unvaccinated ass cleared from COVID-19 protocol in time for Sunday (Kirk Cousins isn’t a bad backup though). Interestingly, this Top 2 showdown isn’t even my most anticipated showdown of this weekend.

THREE EYED RAVENS (2-7) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (1-8)

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, IT’S TIME FOR THE 2021 TOILET BOWL!

Jop Suey!!! and Three Eyed Ravens have been the two worst teams all season and the loser of this matchup will likely be the favorite to finish dead last in the standings. Ewing is riding high from his engagement-fueled victory this past weekend, but fantasy football is fickle. This showdown could also come down to QB health — Taylor missed Kyler Murray last week thanks to a last-minute scratch. Having a backup QB that isn’t Jordan Love may be smart and perhaps Taylor’s last resort.

YEA BABY! (6-3) VS. PLEASE GOD WIN (4-5)

One team that’s very interested in this weekend’s Top 2 clash is Yea baby!, who could move just a game behind second place if they can pull off a win against Please God Win. Russell Wilson should return from injury, giving Arik a much-needed boost at QB. Kyle meanwhile needs to see some consistency from his all-star lineup of Josh Allen, Davante Adams, Chris Godwin, Damien Harris, Travis Kelce, and, you know, Christian McCaffrey. Arik also has Alexander Mattison stashed on his bench just in case the bizarre Dalvin Cook situation leads to a missed game.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (5-4) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-5)

The Krispy Kritters have managed to start the post-Derrick Henry era strong, but can they keep getting much-needed wins. Justin Herbert, A.J. Brown, Tyler Lockett, Leonard Fournette, and Pat Freiermuth look primed to do work, although Richard’s performance may not matter. That’s because Footballdamus is the most inconsistent team in the league. With guys luke Jalen Hurts, Josh Jacobs, Kyle Pitts, Mike Williams, and Nick Chubb (who’s on COVID-19 watch), Riez can either drop a bomb or lay an egg. One matchup to watch is Hurts against the Broncos defense.

SLEEPING GIANTS (5-4) VS. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (4-5)

Dad is actually going to attend the Monday Night Football matchup between the 49ers and Rams, meaning he gets to see his favorite team lose while likely knowing it means Sleeping Giants fall as well. That’s because C’s New Champ Team employs Matt Stafford and Robert Woods, both looking to bounce back strong. Dad will need a lot from Aaron Jones, Adam Thielen, CeeDee Lamb, and the Colts defense to counter all of that. Chriss meanwhile will need to watch how the aforementioned Dalvin Cook situation plays out — it could mean bad news for his lineup. 

AARON RODGERS’ BRAIN CELL (4-5) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (3-6)

Much like the namesakes of these two teams, Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell and Gruden Grinders are much worse off than they expected to be this year. Jimmy is in must-win mode if he wants to keep his playoff hopes alive, especially since I’m just above him in the standings. Meanwhile, this will likely be the last week I need to hold off before Saquon Barkley returns. Can Adrian Peterson and D’Andre Swift hold down the fort? Also, I’m still struggling to figure out what to do with my WRs. Can I manage to find the right combination to get a much-desired victory? 

ONE LAST THING

As Ewing waits to say, “I do,” the question must be asked — who’s next?

TOP 10 MOST LIKELY LEAGUE MEMBERS TO GET MARRIED

This was one of the easiest lists to narrow down (assuming I’m correct about everyone’s current relationship status), given there are only 12 members in the league, one of whom (Arik) is already married and one of whom (Dad) has already been married. With those two exempt (no further questions on why Dad won’t be included), we already have the ten spots for the Top 10. Now we just need to sort them from least likely to most likely to get a woman to agree to spend the rest of her life with them.

10. RUBEN

Yeah. I mean… yeah. Don’t get me wrong, I still have hope. This would be much more depressing if I’d given up on finding true love. But getting a girlfriend — let alone a wife — is a fucking struggle. The fact that I’m marching towards my fourth decade in life is only making this even more nerve-wracking. Still, if Leicester City can win the Premier League, Buster Douglas can knock out Mike Tyson, the U.S. Men’s Hockey Team can beat the USSR in the 1980 Winter Olympics, and the Detroit Lions can almost win a game, then surely I can be happy, right? Oh god, pretty please.

9. TAYLOR

Now we get to the single guys who aren’t me and therefore have a realistic chance. Taylor has something that none of us can boast — two Epic League trophies. While some women may not give a shit about fantasy football, at the very least the silverware gives Taylor confidence. He can also use his vast movie knowledge to completely nail the traditional first date. Unfortunately, more than anyone else in the league Taylor has to battle one of man’s biggest obstacles when it comes to women: baldness. However, if Ewing can get engaged with his bald head, Taylor can as well. 

8. GEE

The thing about Gee is that he could probably be higher on this list or even off it entirely — he could find someone to tie the knot with if he wanted. An avid crossfit enthusiast, Gee is in shape and regularly is surrounded by beautiful women. He’s also deep into Disney, which women can definitely relate with. However, Gee isn’t currently concerned with such earthly matters. Gee’s only worried about one thing: securing the bag. Whether it’s putting his nose to the grind on the job or surveying the waiver wire to form the top fantasy football team, Gee’s always working.

7. RICHARD

Richard’s strongest weapon is probably his swag. I mean, just look at the photo above. Richard’s swag has to be that powerful in order to execute his master plan: get the woman so into him that he can reveal his biggest, darkest secret. That secret? He’s a Dallas Cowboys fan. But that secret is also a big weapon. You see, being a Cowboys fan is proof that Richard will stick with a partner even if they’re completely fucking terrible. However, the reason Richard isn’t higher is that being a Cowboys fan means any woman — like Dallas — won’t be getting a ring anytime soon.

6. RIAZ

Just like his fantasy football team, I feel like Riaz has one of two outcomes when it comes to attracting women. First, he could completely strike out and underachieve (as his team usually does) or pull someone like Zoe Kravitz (like when he dropped 172 points that one time yes I’m still mad about it). I’ll side with the latter given that Riaz might objectively be the most attractive member of the league. But he was to watch out for exactly who he commits to. Riaz, do your research — you don’t want to pick a recently-declared out for the season J.K. Dobbins again.

5. CHRISS

Without naming names, some of us know that Chriss can advance much higher on this list due to one woman in particular. But fearing for his safety Chriss is smartly holding off on that front. Still, that doesn’t mean Chriss doesn’t have the ability to pull women. Unlike the rest of us who largely pretend to be in shape, Chriss is a legitimate athlete who has also taught other athletes (and won a championship, no less). Growing old together also won’t be an issue for Chriss — he knows how to use a cane and (as the 2019 season showed) doesn’t entirely understand basic technology.

4. JIMMY

Jimmy was by far the most complicated person to place on this list. On one hand, Jimmy has been in the longest relationship out of anyone else on the list. On the other hand, can anyone imagine him settling down? Jimmy could most easily take that next step, but will he? My gut says yes… eventually. But it’s “when” that raises the most questions. Jimmy already has so many stereotypical dad qualities that he must eventually complete his metamorphosis and actually become a father. Maybe he’ll pop the question if the A’s ever win a playoff series?

3. NICK

At this point there’s a sizable gap between the remaining people on this list and everyone who came before. Nick is currently in a long-term relationship and one half of an adorable couple. The big factor is how long things will carry on before the idea of a proposal becomes too great to contain. Perhaps Nick is waiting for this to cap the trifecta. His Dodgers won a ring (a Mickey Mouse one, but still) last year and he currently has the best shot out of anyone at winning the Epic Bowl. The prize money can go to the wedding fund; the beer can help work up the nerve.

2. KYLE

Kyle is kind of in the same boat as Nick — in a nice, long-term relationship but still young enough to wait it out a while before the parents become annoying about grandkids (trust me I’m already there). What gives Kyle a slight edge is that his girlfriend has managed to stick around despite Kyle’s own low-key problems with baldness, cleverly hidden by headbands and long hair in the back. Kyle and his girlfriend are going to Europe this month (including France, no less), so there’s a chance he could rise up even higher. Just don’t do the corny, overrated lovelock bridge thing.   

1. EWING

Of course, the winner by default is Ewing, now officially the only member of the league who’s next relationship step is to literally get married. I’ve only gotten to know your lovely fiancee for less than two days during my visit to Dallas. But I could already tell you two are perfect for each other and will help each other continue to grow. I mean, she’s got to be pretty good to be the one woman to actually get this serial monogamist to actually commit to forever. Ewing, be prepared to always have one more ring than Lamar Jackson will ever win in his entire career. 

Also, please tell your fiancee to invite some hot friends or have single bridesmaids.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness