Today is a memorable day for several reasons. It’s potentially the day I do the last 5 p.m. show for the foreseeable future before I start my new Senior Producer schedule. It’s a day where I get to watch football and playoff baseball. My voice is finally starting to come back after this past weekend. But most importantly, it’s October 10, otherwise known as 10/10.
To mark the duel diez, I will place one of my weekly segments in each section this week. That segment, of course, is Ruben’s Rankings, meaning every part of this newsletter will include a Top 10 list. How will I get this done, and more importantly, why am I forcing myself to do this?
TOP 10 REASONS WHY I’M PUTTING A TOP 10 LIST IN EVERY SECTION OF THE NEWSLETTER
10. Why not?
9. Look at the date — I literally just explained it.
8. If I do it once I don’t have to do it again whenever a newsletter comes out on 10/10 again.
7. I recently learned about Tye Dillinger/Shawn Spears’ old gimmick and I wanted an excuse to play that banger of a theme.
6. I wanted to experiment with different Top 10 formats.
5. I need something to distract me from the Raiders.
4. It’s a way to talk about more stuff in a shorter span.
3. I’ve pre-written a couple of Top 10 lists and I wanted to get at least one of them out.
2. I’m embracing the challenge.
1. Occasionally I have a really dumb idea that sticks with me until I see it through. This is one of those ideas.
This is gonna be a weird-looking newsletter.
RECAP OF LAST WEEK
TOP 10 BEST PERFORMERS OF WEEK 5
Conveniently, the six highest-scoring teams won and the six lowest-scoring teams lost. That almost never happens, but it makes this Top 10 list as straightforward as possible. Welcome to the easiest Top 10 list I’ve ever put together.
HM: HOG WILD (87.42 POINTS)
Honestly, Hog Wild didn’t do that badly. This was an absurdly high scoring week, with a much higher floor than usual. Unfortunately for Jimmy, his squad’s mediocre effort is the weakest link of the week. If Alvin Kamara had done even remotely well, Jimmy would have avoided the drinking punishment. It didn’t help that he was facing the week’s highest-scoring team. More on me later.
HM: CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (87.46 POINTS)
On the other hand, Channel 4 News Team is thankful for Kamara’s bad effort, or else Arik would be drinking alone. Unlike Jimmy’s team, Arik’s lineup was weak on the offense, but solid when it comes to special teams and defense. Again, normally this would’ve been a loss, but not less than a tenth of a point away from the lowest score of the week. That 3-0 start seems like a far memory.
10. HAWK TUA (90.96 POINTS)
What a time for Sam Darnold to finally come back down to earth, huhu? It’s not like a good game from Darnold would’ve given Hawk Tua the win, but at least Nick wouldn’t have been sweating it out when it comes to drinking. The good news? Brock Bowers (16 points) and Garrett Wilson (16 points) had stellar days. The bad news? They led Nick’s roster in scoring, with only the Packers defense also finishing with double-digit points. Nick had gathered some momentum after starting 0-2, but it seems that strong scoring stretch is now just a memory.
9. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (92.94 POINTS)
Let’s look at the good news for the Krispy Kritters first. While Richard had to sweat a little bit when it came to the drinking punishment, he didn’t actually have to drink. What’s more, he finished outside the bottom 25% in scoring this past week. In fact, had Darnell Mooney (22 points) been in the lineup, Richard might’ve actually won. Baby steps, I guess. Now for the bad news. Richard is still winless on the season, with by far the lowest-scoring lineup overall. Unless Pat Mahomes steps it up and someone else in the lineup does well, that won’t change soon.
8. FOOTBALLDAMUS (103.16 POINTS)
After two pretty mediocre weeks to start the season, Footballdamus has put forth three straight weeks of solid, 100-plus point performances. Given the odds of two or three teams sucking each week, that should result in three wins for Riaz. Instead, that record is 1-2, with Riaz going up against some of the week’s top scorers. This past weekend, Riaz went up against five players who either surpassed or got close to their previous season-high weekly total. Throw in a not-good day from Brock Purdy, and Riaz slipped up just enough to keep the bad start going.
7. BONE 2 BONE (107.68 POINTS)
Speaking of bad luck, Bone 2 Bone can’t catch a break this season. If Dad puts up 100-plus points, he faces someone who gets well above that mark. If Dad sucks, his opponent does bad enough to give him hope, but not bad enough to actually lose. Take this week for example. Joe Burrow (34 points) went off, but no one other than D’Andre Swift (18 points) and James Cook (15 points) did well in support. Meanwhile, Dad’s opponent just happened to have Burrow’s top WR, virtually negating his amazing day. Hell, an 0-5 team should not be this high on the list.
6. VELVET THUNDER (110.34 POINTS)
Don’t look now, but Velvet Thunder has won three in a row and is sitting in fifth place. This week was no exception. Despite having Jauan Jennings revert back to typical form, Emilio still easily cleared the triple-digit mark and got a solid (if not spectacular) effort from pretty much everyone else. All of that helped Emilio avoid what would’ve been an embarrassing loss to the worst team in the league. We’ll have to see how Nico Collins’ injury impacts the offense, but Emilio has at least positioned himself well so far (and has a decent enough bench to survive a few weeks).
5. THREE EYED RAVENS (115.34 POINTS)
While I would love to make fun of Ewing for having a losing record and currently being out of the playoffs, Three Eyed Ravens is an extremely solid team that (based on its performance so far) should not only be in the postseason, but win at least one game. Ewing has yet to have a bad week and has scored between 96 and 115 points each time. Each of Ewing’s three losses have come against teams that have scored at least 120 points (including that Week 2 ass-whooping). Surely, that luck will balance out eventually, as long as Ewing’s lineup remains consistent.
4. MAYBE NEXT YEAR (118.50 POINTS)
Ever since Yahoo! predicted the early demise of his season and sparked the new name of Maybe Next Year, Kyle has won two straight. Sure, one of those wins was just because he played the lowest-scoring team in the league that week. Kyle also didn’t get punished for starting DeBilarvey Watsteinsby thanks to season-best or nearly-second-best efforts from Tucker Kraft (20 points), Chase McLaughlin (16 points), Brian Robinson (13 points), Javonte Wlliams (11 points), Rasheed Shahid (15 points), and the Broncos defense (16 points).
3. QUEEN’S GAMBIT (124.14 POINTS)
Are we in store for an Epic Bowl rematch? Queen’s Gambit is doing its part to get back to the title game, putting up another nice effort to remain among the league’s top teams. Josh Allen (14 points) didn’t even play that well, which makes the 124-point total terrifying. If Tank Bigsby (24 points), D.J. Moore (22 points), and Brian Thomas (19 points) can produce more weeks similar to this one, then Aly’s repeat effort will remain incredibly strong. Hell, a lot of Aly’s lineup didn’t even perform up to expectations, meaning her full potential should worry everyone.
2. WELL DAMN (127.78 POINTS)
It takes two to tango, and Well Damn has its dancing shoes on this season. One year after finishing atop the standings, Chriss is… once again atop the standings and the lone unbeaten team in the league. That’s thanks to Ja’Marr Chase (32 points) continuing his hot streak, along with solid days from Kareem Hunt (17 points) and the Vikings defense (16 points). Dak Prescott and Travis Kelce didn’t even play their best, and Chriss nearly had the most points of the entire week. Chriss got so close to the title last year, and looks ready to make the final step this year.
1. THE ANTARCTICANS (141.72 POINTS)
Speaking of recreating old years? Remember two years ago when I fucking dominated the regular season, had one bad week, and failed to win the title I deserved? Well, it looks like the ghost of the Cock Commanders lives on in the Antarcticans. At least that’s what happens when Lamar Jackson (33 points) goes off and Mike Evans (18 points) is his consistently amazing self. On the one hand, I’ll take this over what happened last year. On the other hand, it was terrifying to be in first place all of 2022, so I’m not looking forward to similar fears if my scoring keeps up.
TOP 10 TEAMS IN THE STANDINGS
LEAGUE STANDINGS:
- Well Damn (5-0)
- The Antarcticans (4-1)
- Queen’s Gambit (4-1)
- Hog Wild (3-2)
- Velvet Thunder (3-2)
- Maybe Next Year (3-2)
- Channel 4 News Team (3-2)
- Hawk Tua (2-3)
- Three Eyed Ravens (2-3)
- Footballdamus (1-4)
HM:
- Bone 2 Bone (0-5)
- The Krispy Kritters (0-5)
JOUST FOR THE JERSEY:
- The Antarcticans (600.54)
- Well Damn (579.26)
- Hawk Tua (553.34)
- Hog Wild (550.54)
- Three Eyed Ravens (528.10)
- Queen’s Gambit (525.30)
- Velvet Thunder (519.46)
- Maybe Next Year (518.50)
- Bone 2 Bone (476.48)
- Footballdamus (467.30)
HM:
- Channel 4 News Team (438.66)
- The Krispy Kritters (401.90)
DRINK PUNISHMENT TRACKER:
- Ruben (132.52) –> Emilio (65.62) [two glasses of Croft Purple Velvet wine]
- Kyle (151.02) –> Richard (68.34) & Riaz (69.08) [two shots of tequila]
- Nick (151.96) –> Ruben (64.68) [two cans of Guinness]
- Jimmy (131.62) –> Aly (73.80)** & Richard (74.50) [Device Curious Haze]*
- Ruben (141.72) –> Jimmy (87.42) [Liquid Gravity Miami Heist Hazy] & Arik (87.46) [Voodoo Ranger Atomic Pumpkin]
* Aly was given the option to drink a buzz ball, due to not having access to Curious Haze
** Ewing also drank a buzz ball because yolo
BEST & WORST
TOP 10 BEST & WORST OF THE WEEKEND
Somehow, even though there are ten entries on this list, I give a combined 12 awards here. You’ll have to read it all to figure out what the hell.
10. BEST UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE
Ja’Marr Chase has been playing well and is one of the best WRs in the league, but no one saw him dropping 32 points. That pile of points not only gave Chriss the boost he needed to get past Dad, but negated the best performance this season from Joe Burrow, who was in Dad’s lineup. Given that Chase plays the Giants this week, a great performance will not be unexpected.
9. WORST UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE
I’m not sure what’s more expected, Sam Darnold’s single-point performance against the Jets, or the fact that Darnold even had high expectations against what was seen as a preseason favorite. A (hopefully temporary) pause in Darnold’s renaissance basically gave Nick no shot at pulling off the upset, especially since that spread into a poor season debut for teammade Jordan Addison.
8. BEST LINEUP DECISION
Going into the season, guys like George Pickens, Courtland Sutton, and Jerry Jeudy were seen as likely must-starts. Many owners are still stubbornly sticking with them, but not Aly, who instead is starting guys like D.J. Moore, Brian Thomas, and Tank Bigsby. While those moves aren’t quite the boldest, it still resulted in a notable swing in points (66 to seven, respectively).
7. BEST TRANSACTION (PART 1)
Riaz made a couple of small but smart transactions before last weekend. Perhaps the best was dropping Romeo Doubs (who was suspended) for Trey Sermon, who had his best game of the season with 12 points. That was after Riaz picked up the free agent JuJu Smith-Schuster, who also had his best game with 13 points. So, why did these moves go under the radar?
6. WORST LINEUP DECISION (PART 1)
Because Riaz left them on his bench, that’s why. Tutu Atwell and Tank Dell fetched Riaz a combined nine points, 15 fewer than Sermon and Smith-Schuster. While that would’ve gotten Riaz a hell of a lot closer to victory (but maybe not over the line), Alec Pierce (19 points) and Tyrone Tracy (13 points) were also on the bench. Point is, Riaz had a shot to win, but blew it.
5. WORST LINEUP DECISION (PART 2)
While I’m not sure if I would’ve made the move without hindsight, the decision to start Darnell Mooney over Dontayvion Wicks was the only one that would’ve not only been reasonable, but also seen a flipped result. In fact, the 20-point swing would’ve been enough to give Richard his first win of the season. Trust me, Richard, you have to take advantage of BS to not finish last.
4. BEST TRANSACTION (PART 2)/WORST TRANSACTION
While he still would’ve won by fractions of a point, Kyle turning Tyler Conklin into Tucker Kraft gave him the 15-point margin of victory he needed. But that margin could’ve been even larger had Kyle not made the objectively (and morally) poor decision to add Deshaun Watson. Joe Flacco, Bo Nix (fuck), Derek Carr, and even Gardner Minshew would’ve done a better job.
3. BEST LUCK
Given all of the above (Riaz’s lineup decisions and Kyle’s transactions), the fact that Kyle still got the win is a sign of some good luck. Kyle has just the eighth-highest point total, yet sits tied for the fourth-best record in the league. If you still don’t think Kyle deserves this award, consider that the week before, Kyle managed to (narrowly) defeat Dad despite scoring just 75 points.
2. WORST LUCK (PART 1)
Speaking of Dad, there’s no way he should be 0-5. Sure, there have been two weeks where he scored fewer than 85 points. But both of those games were lost by a combined six points, so his bad luck was also good luck for his opponents. Dad has reached triple digits in the other three weeks, losing one game by two points and the other two each by 20-points. He literally can’t win.
1. WORST LUCK (PART 2)
Let me put just how well everyone collectively played this past weekend into perspective. Over the past two seasons (since we’ve been doing the drinking punishment), the lowest scoring team in non-playoff matchups surpassed 80 points just twice, with the highest total being 83 points. Congrats to Jimmy and Arik for both breaking that record by scoring 87 points, yet still drinking.
MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT
Before (again, before) Sunday’s game, Charles Woodson asked one simple question: Why can’t the Raiders have nice things? Keep in mind, Las Vegas was coming off a win and about to play a team they had beaten eight times in a row. Still, this was how Woodson felt. Even if the Raiders didn’t proceed to get shitcanned by arguably the worst rookie QB in the draft (taken one pick before theirs) and see that winning streak (pretty much the one good thing the Raiders had going for them in recent years) snapped, I wouldn’t have blamed Woodson for being that pessimistic about the franchise.
Then the Raiders actually proceeded to get shitcanned by arguably the worst QB in the draft and saw that winning streak snapped.
Imagine driving several hours to go watch your favorite college football team blow a 35-10 lead against the No. 8 team in the country (more on that later), getting home around 4 a.m., and then waking up just in time to watch your favorite NFL team give up 34 straight points (that’s right, I missed the Raiders going up 10-0) and get their fucking asses handed to them by a team they had won EIGHT STRAIGHT GAMES against. I ask again, why do I like football? It has done absolutely nothing for me while giving me fleeting moments of hope in between prolonged bouts of frustration and humiliation.
So, given that we’ve now gotten dog-walked by two division rivals (and have yet to even play the two-time defending Super Bowl champs), we can officially say that the years of being good enough to possibly make the playoffs but bad enough to miss out on the best draft picks are finally over. The Raiders officially suck again. Yes, their record is just 2-3, with more than two-thirds of the season still remaining. But honestly, do you expect them to even have a shot at beating all but maybe two or three teams from here on out? Even if you did, the Raiders have beaten the Ravens but lost to the Panthers and Broncos. How the fuck do you even predict this team, other than going with the standard-issue pessimism?
The offense is a fucking disaster. Gardner Minshew is clearly not the answer and I’m not sure Aidan O’Connell will do any better. The offense is so bad that it’s become a legitimate enough excuse to gloss over poor efforts by both Antonio Pierce and the defense. I don’t know how you fix this other than a rebuild, and I don’t trust the Raiders’ front office to pull off a successful one. We’re probably looking at a future of Shedeur “Throwing My O-Line Under the Bus and Bringing the Worst Sports Father Since Lavar Ball with Me” Sanders in Vegas. Hell, maybe the Raiders should just punt the next few seasons until Arch Manning turns pro. All I know is I need more alcohol to get through this year.
I mean, what else can go wrong? It’s not like arguably the best player on our team and the reason we gave up multiple high picks is demanding to be sent elsewhere, right?
Alright, let’s talk about it.
TOP 10 POTENTIAL TRADE PARTNERS FOR DAVANTE ADAMS
In 2021, the Raiders survived one of the most insane seasons an NFL franchise has ever experienced and improbably made the playoffs, going toe-to-toe with the eventual AFC champs. They then proceeded to add Davante Adams in the offseason, pairing arguably the best WR in the NFL with his beloved college QB. If you ever want an example of why any realistic Raiders fans are pessimists, less than three years later, Adams has requested a trade out of Las Vegas.
Honestly, even though Adams can’t completely cover himself in glory with how he’s conducted himself recently, can you blame him? Any chances of success for the revival of Adams’ connection with Derek Carr were tanked thanks to Josh McFuckface’s horrific coaching, while Carr (pretty much the only reason Adams even wanted to come to Vegas) was cut in quite unceremonious fashion later that year. Since then, Adams has had to deal with QBs with (at most) half of Carr’s passing ability, significantly limiting his and the offense’s production. I get it.
Don’t get me wrong, it will fucking suck when the Las Vegas inevitably trade Adams, who will go on to have immediate success with wherever he lands with, because Raiders. But who will be that lucky team that gets to revive Adams’ career? Let’s go through the most likely contenders.
HONORABLE MENTION: ANYONE BUT THE FUCKING CHIEFS
There’s no way in hell the Raiders would be this dumb, right? There’s no way Las Vegas would trade their best non-Maxx Crosby player to a division rival that has won back-to-back Super Bowls, right? If this somehow ends up happening, I might consider reevaluating my fandom.
HONORABLE MENTION: OR THE 49ERS, TOO
Because the 49ers don’t have enough weapons, many people are pushing for Davante Adams to return to the Bay Area. Fuck that. I work with too many Niners fans to deal with the blowout. Plus, San Francisco doesn’t need any more help with losing to the Chiefs in the Super Bowl.
10. GREEN BAY PACKERS
There’s probably no way this happens, but I put the Packers here for the sheer hilarity of this scenario. Of course, Adams made his bones in Green Bay before being traded to Las Vegas two years ago. Going back to the Frozen Tundra would not only prove that time is a flat circle, but also provide a young, up-and-coming QB in Jordan Love with the best weapon he’s ever had. There’s also no way that Green Bay would pay the same price Las Vegas did for getting Adams in the first place. But honestly that’s just par for the course for this franchise.
9. ARIZONA CARDINALS
Though the Cardinals are a long shot to get or even consider getting Adams, there could be potential seeds for a move. Kyler Murray had his best season after Arizona got DeAndre Hopkins, so maybe another big WR trade could bring his stats up again. Granted, there’s already a new No. 1 WR in Arizona in Marvin Harrison Jr. But imagine pairing the promising rookie with a talented vet like Adams. Not only would that pairing be arguably the best in all of football, but Harrison Jr. would get some incredibly valuable mentorship, which could lead to a brighter future.
8. CHICAGO BEARS
In a similar vein to the entry above, the Bears used the trade that brought them Caleb Williams to also bring him a solid target in D.J. Moore. However, while Williams has shown some flashes, Moore has largely seen a drop in production. Perhaps swapping Adams for Moore could prove to be beneficial for both Chicago and Las Vegas. Not only would Adams be a much better target for Williams, but help draw attention from Rome Odunze and give him more open space. On the other hand, Moore surely can’t do worse with the Raiders than he has done with the Bears.
7. WASHINGTON COMMANDERS
Given how not even the money-hungry Brandon Aiyuk would entertain a trade to Washington, it may seem surprising that they could be in on Davante Adams. But then the season began and the Commanders… might… be good? Jayden Daniels is the clear favorite to be NFL ROY and only seems to be getting better each week. Perhaps Washington decides to take advantage of their strong start (as well as a seemingly weakened NFC East) and bring in a new weapon for their promising signal-caller. They’ve also got plenty of cap room to make the trade happen.
6. DALLAS COWBOYS
Speaking of that weakening NFC East, the Cowboys’ whole “All In” thing hasn’t really worked out, has it? Dallas has gotten off to a sluggish start, with both the offense and defense taking steps back. Even with paying Dak Prescott all of the money, the Cowboys have enough cap to take on Adams’ own huge deal. Does Jerry Jones actually want to go all in on the current Cowboys roster before their window finally closes? Trading for Adams would certainly shut up those who doubt his dedication. At the very least, it would be hilarious when Dallas loses again.
5. PITTSBURGH STEELERS
In the never-ending quest to give Justin Fields enough offense to make something of himself, could the Steelers bring in Adams to be the new No. 1 WR in Pittsburgh? Pairing Adams with George Pickens would certainly give the Steelers some more ammo. If that isn’t enough to turn Pittsburgh’s offense into something more potent — and Fields is the problem — would it be enough to make the Steelers turn to Russell Wilson? Could you imagine that scenario — Wilson heaving it to Adams — last year, or even the year before? That may be close to reality soon.
4. BUFFALO BILLS
After a hot start to the season, the Bills have suddenly gone ice cold. While both losses have come against fellow contenders, Buffalo can’t afford to slide too much. Josh Allen may not be able to go full Fire God forever, so adding a Stefon Diggs replacement (a new No. 1 guy) might be the one option to keep the Bills among the AFC’s top teams. Yeah, defense is probably still an issue, with injuries and suspensions and everything. But offense must remain a top priority, given the decrease in production over the last two weeks. Buffalo may not be able to wait.
3. BALTIMORE RAVENS
Having apparently now gotten through their own slow start, the Ravens appear to be back on track, though their defense still leaves something to be desired. That being said, Baltimore still has yet to answer the question, “what if Lamar Jackson actually had a No. 1 WR?”. That can finally be determined if the Ravens decide to say “fuck it” and go in in Adams. Imagine a new set of “triplets” featuring Jackson, Adams, and Derrick Henry. Would that be enough to finally make it to the Super Bowl in the Jackson era, or will a new postseason choke take hold?
2. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
Remember how Adams wanted to come to Vegas to catch passes from his college QB, Derek Carr? Well, Carr is now with the Saints, who lit up the league over the first two weeks, only to have seemingly come back to earth. Maybe pairing Adams with Carr once again can provide the spark that offense has recently been lacking. Although the Carr-Adams connection didn’t quite light up the world in Sin City, Adams still led the NFL in receiving TDs and made the All-Pro/Pro Bowl rosters. Now imagine that connection in an offense not hampered by a fucking moron.
1. NEW YORK JETS
After years of seemingly being a QB away from contention, the Jets are still struggling on offense despite actually having Aaron Rodgers playing this season. Is this due to a potentially washed QB struggling behind an iffy o-line while returning from a major injury? Probably, but New York might just pretend that Rodgers needs more help, specifically in the form of the top WR from when he won back-to-back MVPs. If Adams can’t fix Rodgers, the Jets might actually be screwed. But at least New York can take solace in the fact that they won’t be as screwed as the Raiders.
STAT OF THE MONTH
TOP 10 STATS OF THE WEEK (OR MONTH)
This will be the easiest Top 10 to write, given that I don’t have to write anything.
10. THEY LIKE THAT (WELL, MAYBE NOT MATT RYAN)
9. HIS DEATH MAY HAVE BEEN GREATLY EXAGGERATED
8. THE BENGALS MIGHT NEED A DEFENSE
7. REVENGE OF THE NORTH
6. THE OROY RACE MAY ALREADY BE OVER
5. UNLESS…
4. MAYBE HE’S ACTUALLY JUST BAD
3. IT’S THE GM’S JOB TO GET A QB
2. DON’T WORRY, RODGERS WILL FIX EVERYTHING
1. IT CAN ALWAYS BE WORSE, SOMEHOW
#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
TOP 10 NFL EVENTS THAT HAPPENED ON OCTOBER 10
Yep, even this. Thank fucking goodness there were ten events for me to use.
HONORABLE MENTION: BIRTHDAYS
I don’t typically include birthdays when doing #ThrowbackThursday, mostly because I’d just be listing names and their accomplishments. That would be boring. Also, by far the most notable NFL figure born on October 10 is Brett Favre, who I don’t care to highlight. Other birthday boys include Geno Smith, Marquez Valdes-Scantling, Courtland Sutton, and Ryan Matthews.
HONORABLE MENTION: DEATHS
Similar to birthdays, I don’t usually include deaths in this section. Not only will it result in the same kind of writing, but it would be with a sad tone. Unless they died on the field or in a notable way, they won’t be included. NFL figures who died on October 10 include Alex Karras, who (as pointed out during Trivia Night) famously played Mongo in the film Blazing Saddles.
HONORABLE MENTION: FAREWELL TO 56
Speaking of people I don’t care to highlight, Lawrence Taylor’s No. 56 was officially retired by the New York Giants on this day 30 years ago. While Taylor is largely considered the greatest defensive player in NFL history, it’s tough to wax poetic about him and his career, given the numerous controversies he was involved in as a player and in the wake of his retirement.
10. THE FIRST OF FEW STARTS
On October 10, 2021, the San Francisco 49ers’ alleged QB of the future made his first NFL start. The 49ers made one of the boldest moves in NFL Draft history, trading three 1st round picks and a 3rd round pick to the Miami Dolphins for the 3rd overall pick in 2021, which they used to select Trey Lance. In Week 5 of that year, Lance made his first career start in place of an injured Jimmy Garoppolo, going 15/29 for 192 yards and an INT in a 17-10 road loss to the Arizona Cardinals. All told, Lance had more injuries than wins as a starter (two in four games) before being traded to the Dallas Cowboys before last season. To add insult to injury, Lance’s NFL starting debut wasn’t even the most interesting thing that happened on October 10, 2021.
9. CHUCKY’S LAST STAND
On October 10, 2021, the Las Vegas Raiders embarrassed themselves in a 20-9 home loss to the Chicago Bears. Going into the game, the major story was Khalil Mack facing his old team for the first time (and then sticking it to them). But looking back now, the most notable aspect about that game is it being Jon Gruden’s last as head coach of the Raiders (and as of now the last of his coaching career). Just before the game, emails written by Gruden and containing racist, misogynistic, and homophobic remarks were leaked. Although Gruden was allowed to coach against Chicago, Gruden resigned the following day. Gruden has remained in disgrace ever since, while interim coach Rich Bisaccia somehow led Las Vegas to the playoffs that year.
8. FROM DECATUR TO CHICAGO
On October 10, 1921, one of the most unusual seasons in the history of one of the NFL’s oldest franchises began. 100 years before Khalil Mack ate the Raiders alive, the Chicago Bears added the first part of that name. The Decatur Staleys began play in 1919, joining the NFL (known then as the American Professional Football Association) for its first season the following year. For the 1921 season, owner A.E. Staley turned the team over to George Halas and Dutch Sternaman, who moved them to Chicago. Their first league game in 1921 (played on October 10) was a 14-10 win over the Rock Island Independence. Chicago would go 10-1-1, win the APFA, and then change their name to the Bears, making 1921 the only year the “Chicago Staleys” existed.
7. LAMBEAU LOSES TEMPER, MORALE
On October 10, 1948, the first great slide of the Green Bay Packers began. Going into the 1948 season, the franchise was struggling financially, but the Packers kept finishing with a winning record. In Week 4, Green Bay fell to the defending champion Chicago Cardinals 17-7. After the game, incensed Packers head coach Curly Lambeau chastised his team for what he called a poor effort, withholding half their game checks. Lambeau would soon lose the locker room, with the Packers going on a seven-game losing streak. Green Bay finished 3-9 (their first losing season since 1933) and wouldn’t have a winning record until Vince Lombardi’s first year in 1959. Lambeau would resign after the following season, moving on to coach the Cardinals.
6. FITZGERALD’S FIRST
On October 10, 2004, the greatest player in Arizona Cardinals history opened his scoring account. The No. 3 overall pick from that year’s draft, Larry Fitzgerald, hauled in his first TD reception of his career (which would finish with 121 TD catches, 6th most all-time). The rookie snagged a 24-yard pass from Josh McCown about halfway through the 4th quarter to give the Cardinals a 28-12 lead against the San Francisco 49ers. But while Fitzgerald found the end zone for the first time, he also had his first time watching the Cardinals choke. San Francisco rallied late to tie the game before winning it 31-28 in OT. The 49ers were utterly terrible in 2004, going 2-14. Both victories came against Arizona, with both games ending 31-28 in OT. Weird.
5. SCORELESS START
On October 10, 1920, the NFL’s oldest team played its first official league game. The Chicago Cardinals (then known as the Racine Cardinals) are one of two teams (along with the Chicago Bears) who have played every NFL season, with the Cardinals opening their NFL tenure against another Windy City-based team. Facing the Chicago Tigers, the Cardinals battled to a “thrilling” 0-0 tie. The Cardinals would have to wait until the following week to score their first points and get their first win, defeating the Moline Universal Tractors 33-0. The Tigers and Cardinals had a rematch weeks later — according to legend, the teams’ owners agreed to have the right to represent Chicago in the league on the line. The Cardinals won 6-3 and the Tigers later folded.
4. FIRST TO 60
On October 10, 1920, the 60-point threshold was surpassed for the first time by an NFL team. According to my calculations (which may be incorrect), there have been 29 instances of an NFL team scoring 60+ points in a single game (most recently when the Las Vegas Raiders put up 63 points on the Los Angeles Chargers last year). The first of those games came on the same day the Cardinals and Tigers (as well as the Cleveland Tigers and Dayton Triangles) failed to put up a single point against each other, the Rochester Jeffersons spanked Fort Porter 66-0. While Fort Porter wasn’t a league member, the Jeffersons were, so the distinction technically counts. Also, look at the Jeffersons’ uniforms in this photo. I know what I’m getting Dad for Christmas.
3. ONE GIANT LEAP
On October 10, 1976, the historic former home of two NFL franchises hosted its first game. The New York Giants had been looking for a home of their own in the 1970’s, eventually striking a deal to build what would become known as Giants Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey. Construction was completed in 1976 and, after playing their first four games on the road, the Giants finally welcomed fans to their new home in Week 5. Sadly for Giants fans, New York fell to the Dallas Cowboys 24-14. Eight years later, the Giants would gain a roommate in the New York Jets, with both teams sharing the venue until 2010, when they moved to MetLife Stadium. All told, Giants Stadium hosted more NFL games than any other venue in league history.
2. STILL GOT IT
On October 10, 1964, one of the NFL’s now-forgotten legends proved he still had it. John Henry Johnson was an excellent rusher and even better blocker, performing at a high level throughout his nearly 15-year pro career, some of which spent in San Francisco as part of the 49ers’ Million Dollar Backfield. Johnson spent the most time in Pittsburgh, where the future HOFer etched his name in NFL history. At the age of 34, Johnson rushed for 200 yards and three TDs in a 23-7 win over the eventual NFL champion Cleveland Browns, becoming the oldest player to rush for 200 yards in a single game (a record that still stands). At the time of his retirement, Johnson was pro football’s fourth all-time leading rusher. He remains the fifth all-time rusher in Steelers history.
1. A RECORD STREAK
On October 10, 2004, the New England Patriots set an NFL record for dominance. In 2003, the Patriots had won their final 12 regular season games before winning Super Bowl XXXVIII. With three victories to begin 2004, New England tied the NFL record for most wins in a row with 18. Facing the winless Miami Dolphins, there was no doubt that No. 19 would follow. Indeed, despite the efforts of Wes Welker and Pat Surtain, the Patriots steamrolled Miami 24-10. Two victories followed, before a loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers snapped the 21-game winning streak (still a record). Unfortunately, New England would still go on to win Super Bowl XXXIX. That was the last time a team won back-to-back Super Bow–wait. Goddamn it. Fuck the Chiefs.
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 10 NFL PLAYERS TO HAVE WORN NO. 10
Out of all the Top 10 lists, this one’s for the actual Top 10 section where the Top 10 would normally go. Naturally, it had to be about the number 10. I typically avoid these kinds of Top 10 lists for something more unique, but, you know, 10 and all that…
HONORABLE MENTION: CHAD PENNINGTON
While he was never among the best QBs in the league, Chad Pennington was one of the most accurate (in terms of completions and passer rating) and toughest, having won NFL Comeback Player of the Year twice (the only player to do so). He also once had a “perfect” 158.3 passer rating in a game. Pennington was underrated and probably should’ve done better, but didn’t.
HONORABLE MENTION: KORDELL STEWART
One of the forgotten QBs of the late 90’s/early 00’s, Kordell Stewart’s prime was relatively brief but notable. During his five or so years as a starter. Steward led the Pittsburgh Steelers to two AFC Championship Game appearances, losing to the eventual Super Bowl winner each time. Stewart was a true dual threat, being the first NFL QB to throw 20 TDs and rush for ten more.
HONORABLE MENTION: THE YOUNG GUNS
NFL history is being written every game, so there’s every chance we haven’t seen the greatest No. 10 in NFL history. For example, Jordan Love and Justin Herbert have promising primes in front of them, while Isiah Pacheco already has two rings and runs like he wants to kill everyone. None of these young players are worthy to get on the list right now, but just wait and see…
10. JIM ZORN
Before he became known for orchestrating one of the dumbest plays an NFL head coach has ever called, Jim Zorn made his name as a solid if not spectacular QB for the Seahawks. What gets Zorn onto the main Top 10 list is his impact on Seattle. Zorn was the first starting QB in franchise history, forming a connection with future HOF WR Steve Largent that remains one of most prolific in NFL history. Although he was a relatively okay QB, Zorn was easily Seattle’s best QB before Matt Hasselbeck and was later inducted into the Seahawks’ Ring of Honor.
9. STEVE BARTKOWSKI
Among the great players left forgotten on mostly dogshit Falcons teams of the 20th century was Steve Bartkowski. The first great QB Atlanta ever had, Bartkowski was a true gunslinger, a Brett Favre before his time. Bartkowski was the first QB to lead the Falcons to the playoffs, doing so three times (and once as the NFC’s No. 1 seed). After Bartkowski left, Atlanta wouldn’t return to the postseason until the 90’s. A two-time Pro Bowler and former NFL leader in passing TDs, passer rating, and completion percentage, Bartkowski is also in the Falcons Ring of Honor.
8. DESEAN JACKSON
With the possible exception of someone else on this list, DeSean Jackson may be the most prolific deep threat in NFL history. After all, he holds the NFL record for most TDs of 60+ and 80+ yards. Lightning quick and with prolific athletic agility, Jackson was one of the top WRs of the late 00’s and early 10’s. However, two things ultimately stopped him from stepping into the “great” tier. First, he kept getting injured. Second, he was a fucking idiot, having multiple instances where he dropped the ball before crossing the goal line (among other idiotic things).
7. TRENT GREEN
Trent Green’s career likely would have been better, had he not been one of the unluckiest players in NFL history. After a breakout year in Washington in 1998, Green signed with the St. Louis Rams, only to be lost due to a preseason injury, and then have his backup (Kurt Warner) lead his team to an improbable Super Bowl win. That was pretty much the pattern for his career: show that he could truly ball, then be sidelined with a devastating injury. While calling Green a glass cannon might be harsh, just know that he was one of the better talents gone to waste.
6. DEANDRE HOPKINS
We still haven’t closed the door on the career of DeAndre Hopkins, he’s well into his 30’s and is getting the ball thrown to him by someone known better for liking mayonnaise than being a competent QB. Sadly, this has been the theme for Hopkins’ career, having proven to be one of the greatest pure pass catchers the league has ever seen, but never being part of a team that made a deep playoff run. His best QB has either been Kyler “Tons of Hype but Little Living Up to It” or. Deshaun “Bill Cosby” Watson. Put him on an elite team and he’d have won rings
5. COOPER KUPP
This may be a controversial placement, given recency bias and the fact that many think Cooper Kupp may be a worse WR than the one who just came before him. But you cannot deny Kupp’s skillset, statistics, and accomplishments. After all, a ring (along with a Super Bowl MVP award) has to count for something, right? While Kupp is younger than Hopkins, his past couple of seasons have been hampered by injury, which could mark the start of a decline. But it would be foolish to count Kupp out until he can longer get on the field. Just ask my fantasy team last year.
4. TYREEK HILL
The third of three current WRs whose overall legacies have yet to be set in stone, Tyreek Hill may be the most talented among them and have the most complicated legacy. Arguably the fastest player in league history, Hill is damn near impossible to cover or tackle (or be properly punished for his actions) and has won a Super Bowl. But while Hill has remained individually productive since his big move (as long he has a good QB to throw to him), his old team has won every title since his departure. Plus you’ve got the aforementioned offseason controversies.
3. BRAD VAN PELT
Not only is Brad Van Pelt the one player no one outside of Dad has ever heard of, but he’s also the only defensive player on this list. A member of the New York Giants’ Crunch Bunch, Van Pelt was one of the most underrated LBs in NFL history, even if he did reach five Pro Bowls. While Van Pelt was named the franchise’s player of the decade (the 70’s) and is a part of the Giants Ring of Honor, it was his move out of New York (just before the Giants won the Super Bowl) that many say turned what might’ve been (or should still be) a HOF career into a “very good” one.
2. ELI MANNING
Only one modern era player who primarily wore No. 10 is in the HOF. Eli Manning could double that this season, and he’s got a good case. The best QB in Giants history, Manning had very good stats, boosted by New York’s upsets of the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl. But here’s one stat you may not know. Manning (whose No. 10 has been retired by New York) has the second-highest Approximate Value of any NFL player to wear number 10, with his AV of 169 being 60 higher than third. That’s nearly the same gap as the one between third and 17th.
1. FRAN TARKENTON
The biggest gap on that list is between first and second, with the top AV of 233 belonging to Fran Tarkenton, the only HOFer displaying the number 10 on his uniform. While Tarketon famously never won the big game, he did lead the Minnesota Vikings to three Super Bowls (including the most recent one, nearly 50 years ago). He also won MVP and OPOY, was named as an All-Pro and to nine Pro Bowls, and led the league in TDs, yards, and completion percentage. Not only is Tarkenton in the Vikings Ring of Honor, but his No. 10 has been long retired in Minnesota.
BACK TO SCHOOL
Speaking of ten, next month will mark ten years since a group of us played beer pong in an underground church parking lot, Ewing got his shirt literally ripped from his back, and we got sandwiches in a restaurant that had Mario Kart 64 available to play, all in the name of Cal vs. Stanford. Although I’ve been back to Cal Memorial Stadium a couple of times since then, it’s been a minute since I’ve experienced a “first” at the one non-Pacific/Sac State university I’ve ever given a shit about. But that came to an end this past weekend, when ESPN’s landmark college football pregame show, College GameDay, came to Berkeley for the first time in its 20+ year history. I knew that I couldn’t miss it, even if it meant getting up at the ass crack of dawn and going by myself, which is exactly what I did.
Trying to maximize my sleep (GameDay starts at 6 a.m.) and minimize the distance I’d have to travel in the morning, I came up with a game plan. After leaving work on Friday, I went home to grab some things and let traffic die down, before making my way to Kyle and Alli’s place in Campbell. After being introduced to their bird army and chatting for a bit, I managed to get about four hours of sleep before waking up Saturday morning. Once I shook off the grogginess and got ready, I made the hour-long drive to Berkeley. The school had opened up several parking lots for free (until 11 a.m.), so I made my way inside one of them. Less than 30 seconds after leaving my car, I walked past a middle aged couple decked in Cal gear who asked me if I was a “burner.” Not wanting to make it easier for me to fall asleep, I politely declined their offer of free herbs, but the fact that I was offered weed so shortly after entering Berkeley is fucking hilarious.
I got onto campus around 5:30 and immediately felt the vibe change. There was a murmur, a sense of presence, and I hadn’t even seen more than a handful of people walking around. Then I got to Memorial Glade, saw the GameDay bus, and everything became clear. I would later find out that people had been camping out as early as 5:30 p.m. the previous day and had even broken through the entrance before it was set to open at midnight. Hundreds upon hundreds of people, the vast majority of them in blue and gold, were packed in the “pit” next to the stage, with many more waving flags and holding signs. The tower on campus was lit up in Cal Colors, with the marching band and cheer squad leading the crowd in cheers. I heard the “Bear Territory” chant for the first five of what would be some 55 times before the show began. This was an atmosphere I had rarely seen at a football game, and this was before sunrise at a preview show.
The energy only picked up once the show finally began. As I settled into my spot off-camera, to the right of the DJ booth (which is to the right when looking at the broadcast), the GameDay crew fully leaned into their amazement over what they were seeing from the Cal faithful. I had a slim view of the panelists, whose every word was mic’d up for the audience to hear and react to. As Reece Davis tried to get through each talking point, he could barely be heard over the noise from the fans. Pat McAfee kept hyping up the crowd and singing along, while Kirk Herbstreit and Desmond Howard seemed to be beside themselves. Only Nick Saban seemed to be largely unfazed, which makes sense.
I hadn’t watched a full GameDay episode in years, so I was eager to see how each segment would play out (while geeking out at seeing a fellow TV production crew do their thing). As the day rolled on, the energy kept growing and the hosts leaned more and more into it and got looser and looser. One part I didn’t expect was Stanford Steve, who was booed mercilessly due to the first part of his name. Steve gave as good as he got, though Saban of all people got a good shot in at his expense. Saban would be the host of the day, as the crowd kept yelling at him to change his red tie (Ewing understands). Eventually, he relented, waving his tie around before McAfee found a blue and yellow one to replace it. Side note: hearing a bunch of college students yelling “take it off” at Nick Saban was a bizarre experience. All in all, it was a good show, though I didn’t appreciate the fun fact about the cannon during the Tightwad Hill segment.
While I actually had a good spot, with neighbors including Ron Rivera and a guy in a Raiders jersey with the number 0 and name “Days Sober,” I eventually moved towards the back of the crowd when it came time for the FG attempt. After narrowly missing his first attempt, the student, named Daniel, converted his second attempt and the crowd went absolutely apeshit. I also got to see the hosts interact with Cal head coach Justin Wilcox, and it was fascinating to hear him and Saban talk shop. Things wrapped up when Marshawn Lynch himself came to the stage as the celebrity guest picker, doing Beast Mode things and being on the end of another unexpected zinger from Saban. After the show wrapped up, Davis got on the mic and thanked the crowd for a wonderful display, saying that he often gets asked which school has the best atmosphere and adding that after that day, he might just answer Cal. That sentiment was echoed by McAfee, who told the crowd that they “kicked fucking ass.” All in all, Berkeley more than answered the call and proved once and for all that they (and West Coast fans) can hang with the rowdiest of them.
To serve as a transition (and to fulfill the Top 10 requirement), here are my favorite fan signs from College GameDay in Berkeley:
TOP 10 FAVORITE FAN SIGNS FROM COLLEGE GAMEDAY IN BERKELEY
HM: “IF YOU WATCHED THE 2018 CHEEZ-IT BOWL, YOU ARE ENTITLED TO COMPENSATION”
That game was hot booty buttcheeks. Can’t believe Justin Wilcox went from that to this team.
10. “WOKE BUT NOT AWAKE”
Again, hundreds of people who got to campus SIX HOURS before I did. The fucking madmen…
9. “CAM WARD HATES ORPHANS”
I also saw a sign that said “Cam Ward, you are a Raider.” Not sure how to feel about that.
8. “MIAMI CITES WIKIPEDIA”
A somewhat common insult elevated due to the academic imbalance between Cal and Miami.
7. “MIAMI’S PLAYBOOK IS SHORTER THAN MY SYLLABUS”
Like the one above, except more unique and (in some cases) probably accurate.
6. “THERE IS NO ‘U’ IN SOCIALISM”
Embracing the online Cal discourse while mocking your opponent? Well done.
5. “THE REAL CONVICTS ARE AT STANFORD”
Always gotta shit on your rival. Several “Stanford sucks” chants broke out that morning.
4. “YOU PEOPLE ARE BLOCKING THE LIBRARY”
Honestly, any one of the Top 4 are deserving of first place on this list.
3. “I THOUGHT THIS WAS A PROTEST”
People thought Cal students wouldn’t show up at a place to hold signs and yell for hours…
2. “THE ONLY LINES I DO IS CODE”
Of all the cocaine references I saw Saturday morning, this was by far the funniest.
1. “THE ADAMS-ONIS TREATY WAS A MISTAKE”
A perfect historical reference that only someone at a school like Cal could make. Incredible.
After making a hasty exit, I drove back to Kyle’s place (with a stop at McDonald’s beforehand) and managed to cram in another four hours of sleep, which would prove useful. Now with Kyle in tow, I drove back to Berkeley to watch the actual game between Cal and No. 8 Miami. After some parking struggles, we met up with Jimmy (who had arrived via train), consumed a non-small amount of food and alcohol, and made our way to Cal Memorial Stadium. The atmosphere was fucking electric, with the crowd only getting louder as the Golden Bears found themselves up 35-10 in the 3rd quarter against the Hurricanes. Then weirdly the game got called right after that and everyone left after that, no questions asked. Don’t look up what some people say actually happened — that would be too painful.
Speaking of painful, Kyle took a tumble on our walk back to the car, tearing up his pants, hurting his ankle, and adding injury to insult. It took until after midnight to get out of Berkeley, after 1 a.m. to drop Kyle off, and after 4 a.m. (following a lot of singing to classic rock, a late/early stop at Jack in the Box, and a very confused gas station attendant in Tracy) to finally get home. I slept until 2:30 p.m., meaning that I missed the one part of the Raiders-Broncos game when Las Vegas actually did well (adding insult to injury). My voice still hasn’t recovered.
Despite all of this, along with the alleged Falcons-esque choke job that I refuse to acknowledge, it was an awesome day and I don’t regret a second of it. If you’re a college football fan, going to GameDay at least once in your life is a must.
THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS
TOP 10 MATCHUPS FOR WEEK 6
Totally not stretching things out just to commit to the bit…
10. JIMMY & ARIK VS. ALCOHOL
Still waiting on that punishment proof, boys!
9. ME VS. AIR TRAVEL
I have three flights that combine for 14-and-a-half hours of air time (not to mention a bus ride) before I get to my first destination. Keep me in your thoughts.
8. CHRISS VS. DEFEAT
How long can Chriss keep up his unbeaten start to the season?
7. DAD & RICHARD VS. VICTORY
Will the league’s two winless teams finally find victory? Let’s find out…
6. FOOTBALLDAMUS (1-4) VS. BONE TO BONE (0-5)
One of these teams is about to get a much-needed win. For Bone 2 Bone, this is as good of a shot at victory outside of playing Richard. Not only is Joe Burrow facing a weak opponent in the Giants, but Footballdamus is dealing with challenges. Several of Riaz’s players are on a bye, and while A.J. Brown should be among the reinforcements, the Eagles have left much to be desired. Meanwhile, Brock Purdy and the 49ers defense are coming off bad days and must deal with a short week on the road against a rival. I guess that’s bad luck for Dad on a personal level.
5. MAYBE NEXT YEAR (3-2) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-5)
On first glance, this shouldn’t exactly be the best matchup. But this one might actually be good. Maybe Next Year should actually get some good production from Jalen Hurts against the Browns, while the rest of Kyle’s lineup is filled with “boom or bust” matchups. As for The Krispy Kritters, losing Pat Mahomes to the bye may actually be a good thing, as Caleb Williams (and the Bears defense) get to face the Jaguars. If other lineup decisions are made and some breaks go Richard’s way, at least one of the league’s winless teams may actually taste victory soon.
4. HOG WILD (3-2) VS. HAWK TUA (2-3)
Hawk Tua’s start to the season, which has been as shaky as the reasoning behind their team name, is only getting rougher. Sam Darnold is on a bye and Tua Tagovailoa is still hurt, meaning that (as of this writing) Nick doesn’t have a QB in place (he also needs a K). Brock Bowers may genuinely be the most surefire player in his lineup. Hog Wild meanwhile has its own problems. Though the Ravens defense has been susceptible to big games, they will still be a tough test for Jayden Daniels. Given that Jimmy also has Terry McLaurin, his overall ceiling could be limited.
3. WELL DAMN (5-0) VS. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (3-2)
In a game where both offenses could thrive, each team is missing some top weapons. Well Damn will be without Travis Kelce and Kareem Hunt, while Channel 4 News Team will not have Justin Jefferson and Ty Chandler (though a potentially returning Joe Mixon could help with that). Arik also has Jordan Love, Bijan Robinson, and the Eagles defense in good matchups, while Chriss counters with the likes of Ja’Marr Chase, Jahmyr Gibbs, and the Texans defense. Arik will need all the firepower he can get if he wants to be the first to take down first place.
2. THE ANTARCTICANS (4-1) VS. VELVET THUNDER (3-2)
Given that I’m about to go on vacation and have much more important things to do than check my lineup, we’re entering a three-week vulnerable period for the Antarcticans. I’m gonna have to rely on Lamar Jackson, CeeDee Lamb, Mike Evans, and Kenneth Walker (please stay healthy) to maintain my strong start to the season. Velvet Thunder has been on a roll lately, which could be extended given that both Justin Fields and J.J. Watt are facing the Raiders. While Emilio watches the points roll in, I’m gonna try to ignore the pain by sleeping once I finally get to Europe.
1. QUEEN’S GAMBIT (4-1) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (2-3)
The past two Epic League champions. A semi-finals rematch. A marriage that has resulted in a child. Defenses going against each other. Two teams that have already lost to me this season. The Ewing Bowl has everything! According to Yahoo!, Queen’s Gambit and Three Eyed Ravens have the closest point projection out of any matchup this week. With the likes of Josh Allen, D.K. Metcalf, D.J. Moore, and Tank Bigsby going for Aly and C.J. Stroud, Derrick Henry, Chris Godwin, and Brandon Aiyuk going for Ewing, this matchup could tear apart their new Newport home.
ONE LAST THING
The last place punishment saga continues. While some of you very kindly submitted your votes shortly after the last newsletter was published, I had to chase others to hell and back for their votes. But somehow, we have our final two nominees, which are as follows:
- The Beer Mile: in 20 minutes, you must consume four beers and run four laps around a track. You cannot run and drink at the same time, ideally drinking a beer each time you reach the start/end of a lap. If you cannot go 4/4 in 20 minutes, you must both run another lap and drink another beer before you finish
- The License Plate Frame: for the entire 2025 playoffs and offseason, you must display a license plate frame that says something along the lines of “I suck at fantasy football.” This was the example I mentioned earlier. Horses to water, and all that…
So now what you know what to do: vote one more time. Whichever gets more votes will be our last place punishment this season. If there’s a tie, I’m going to jump off a fucking cliff, and then use my special commissioner’s privilege to pick one. I’m not going to give away which choice I’d prefer, but let me just say this: after all I’ve gone through to make this happen and all of the prodding and poking (of me) to do it, y’all are some bitches if you pick the license plate frame. The voting period lasts from now until the next newsletter is published, which will happen after I return from vacation.
Now, because this needs a Top 10 spin, here are the Top 10 things I’m looking forward to doing during my two-and-a-half week trip.
TOP 10 THINGS I’M GONNA DO WHILE IN EUROPE/MOROCCO
HM: Not get sick while in Morocco again (please for the love of god)
10. Visit a mystery country I’m going to (and have only told one person I’m doing this). That person, please don’t spoil it before I get there.
9. Ride a train across Eastern Spain. I’ll be using about seven hours’ worth of public transportation across Spain, including a train ride from Barcelona to Madrid. There’s some seriously beautiful country along that route, which I’m going to enjoy watching roll by.
8. Chill on the coast. During my travels, I’ve discovered that I truly love being on the coast, no matter what coast it is. While in Barcelona and Lisbon, I’m gonna enjoy coastal life again.
7. Admire some historic architecture. Portugal and Spain (particularly Barcelona) have some fantastic old streets and buildings that I’m looking forward to walking along through.
6. Eat a bunch of delicious food. There’s a specific place I want to visit (I’ll get to that in a sec), but in general I’m gonna enjoy some delicious Spanish and Portuguese food..
5. Watch world class sailing. Remember that segment I wrote about the America’s Cup in the last newsletter? Turns out, this year’s competition is taking place in Barcelona, while I’m there. I honestly had no idea until after I started writing that section.
4. Cross Portugal off the list. Portugal has been on my must-visit list for a while and (looking at a map of the European countries I’ve been to) is arguably the largest hole I have yet to fill (phrasing). Also, I must eat a Francesinha. I don’t even like eggs and that looks amazing.
3. Catch some of the world’s best soccer. I’m planning on attending at least three games while in Europe, including a Champions League game. Naturally, I’ll be bringing back a scarf or two.
2. Sample the offerings at Boqueria Market Barcelona. This world-renowned market has so much delicious, unique, fresh food, none of which I could enjoy the last time I was there because I was shitting my guts out. I’ve been wanting to return for six years just to go to that market. I’m gonna eat so much damn food in Barcelona.
1. Spend time with my good friends I met on the trip to Antarctica. We made a real connection and made plans to meet before we got back to civilization. I can’t wait to see them again. But why in the living fuck did they have to pick Morocco?
Peace out, bitches.
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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